It was Christmas Eve and Jennifer looked across the great room, through the other people, to where Justin and Brian were sitting together on the sofa by the fireplace. She was trying to maintain some of the family traditions for Mollys sake, now that she and Craig were not longer together. Truth be known, she needed the connection, herself.
She had always loved the holiday and the small habits and traditions, the consistency that could always be counted on and later remembered. When Molly and Justin were grown, on their own with their own families, they would have the security of knowing that they were part of something and of a group of people who cared desperately about them.
They had been coming up to Killington for almost twenty years, for the last fifteen, they had rented the same condo on the slopes. Jens parents stayed with them and her sisters family were in the unit next door. Sometimes friends would join them too, skiing, going out to dinner and enjoying being together.
This was the first year Brian had joined them.
Hearing that Justins partner would be with them, Craig had elected to spend the time with his new girlfriend in the Caribbean.
She hadnt been at all surprised when the boy had asked if Brian could join them but she had been very surprised when the older man had accepted the invitation. When questioned Justin had explained, simply, that Brians family was a nightmare and he generally skipped the entire thing as much as he could. Oh, for years he had gone over to Debbies to spend time with the people who he considered his real family, but this time was different. This year they were together.
About a week before they were scheduled to leave, Brian had shown up at her real estate office, asking if they could get some coffee. As they sat in the booth at the local luncheonette, he had asked her to tell him honestly if she minded him going to Vermont with her family. He would completely understand if she was uncomfortable with his being there and would rather make an excuse to Justin than upset her or her family. She shouldnt worry about him as he had a standing invitation to spend the holiday with friends and would be fine if he stayed home.
The question and the offer had surprised her.
Brian, she realized, often surprised her.
No, she had told him. Please come, Justin would be disappointed if he didnt and she looked forward to getting to know him better.
Refraining from laughing out loud, he merely smiled and said, Ill bet.
No, really, but she was smiling, as she said it.
So she had arrived with Molly four days ago to get in the supplies and set up the smallish tree they always had. The rest of the family would be getting there as their schedules allowed. Brian and Justin had driven up two days after she had settled in and been given the second largest bedroom.
She was going to give them the master suite, but that was where she and Craig had always stayed and Justin felt it was it was just too strange to share his parents bed with Brian. They would be fine sharing the smaller room. Brian had even offered to rent them a hotel room to stay in, so that they would cause no embarrassment or awkwardness.
It wasnt that he cared himself, of course, but he didnt want to make any trouble for Justin or Jennifer.
Justin had refused point blank, claiming that would defeat the point of their being there. Keeping whatever doubts he had about the stay to himself, Brian had agreed, figuring that he could stand it for a weekwhatever happened. Besides, he could always have Justin make it up to him later.
Both yesterday and today had been spent with Justin teaching Brian the basics of snowboarding. Being a natural athlete in good shape, he had picked it up quickly, moving up to the intermediate slopes the first afternoon. Justin was better at it than he was, but since he hadnt been on the snow in over two years, he was doing his share of falling. Brian wasnt completely outclassed.
So, they were sitting on the couch, Justin leaning against Brian, the two of them laughing at some private joke and occasionally kissing while Bill and ClaudiaJens parentswere telling Molly about the new boat they were thinking about getting for the summer house in Canada. The dinner reservations were made for seven, giving everyone a chance to warm up and thaw out. It was a quiet late afternoon after the days skiing was finished and they were all relaxing with beer or hot chocolate after the warming showers. There had been some looks when Brian and Justin had disappeared into the bathroom together for forty-five minutes, but no one had the nerve to say anything.
The younger kids, Molly and her cousins, went next door to play with some new computer game, and it was almost silent other than the crackling of the log fireplace and the carols on the radio, turned down low.
Jen noticed that her parents were both stealing concerned glances at the two men, but were saying nothing. They had met Brian the last summer when he had shown up at a cookout at the condo while they were visiting. They had appeared to like him just fine, her father even commenting on his obvious intelligence. Her mother had asked Jennifer how she felt about Justin being with someone so much older but hadnt pressed when Jen had glazed over an answer with platitudes about how Brian looked after him and how kind and generous he was to the youngster.
Nothing more than small talk had been exchanged that visit and it had all gone smoothly, if superficially. They had all gotten along well. Her parents hadnt made any real comments, but she knew that they were worried about Justin.
She had been trying to find out their real feelings about Justins homosexuality and about his being with Brian, but they politely covered their feelingswhatever they might bewith good manners and murmurs of concern for Justins happiness in a difficult world.
Walking into the great room where the adults were gathered Jen heard her mother ask Brian what his favorite Christmas memory was.
Oh, good Lord. From what she had heard about his family and their relationships with one another, this was about as dangerous a subject as hey could have come up with. Justins smile became a little strained and Brian paused a second before he managed his answer.
Probably the last two years. It was my sons first Christmas and his mother wanted to make it special for him. He smiled as he answered and Justin gave him a look, squeezing his hand as he did so. That was as tactful an answer from Brian as hed ever heard.
That sounds lovely, Brian. Do you see him often?
I see him every couple of weeks. Justin was pressing closer against him, trying to offer support.
Your family must have had your own traditionsis there anything you miss being here with us instead? Justins Aunt Susan was attempting to draw Brian out, but she didnt realize that she was walking on glass.
Brian was determined to not make waves. Hed promised to behave. We were raised Catholic, so my sister and I would usually go to Mass with our mother.
OhI didnt know. Would you like to go to the church here in town later?
His mask was dropping into place. No, thank you for asking. I dont go too often any more.
Claudia gave him a curious look. I didnt know that you have a son. Were you married?
Justin could feel Brians body tensing under what was starting to look like the start of an inquisition; he rubbed his fingers along Brians thumb. Grandma, thats Brians business. She knew he wanted her to drop the subject, but she wanted to know what Justin was getting himself involved with in this man.
Brian subtly squeezed Justins fingers, letting him know that it was alright. A close friend of mine wanted a child, she asked me and no, we didnt get married. Gus is almost three now.
Justin wasnt going to let the WASP grilling continue unchallenged. Hes set up a college fund and Gus is listed in his will and on his company benefits. He gave Brian a smile. Hes really great. It was unclear if he was talking about Gus or Brian.
Jennifer came into the main room. If the reservations are for seven, we should get going. Everyone ready? Justin and Brian both breathed a small sigh of relief at the interruption. Thank God the dinner conversation was entirely about snow conditions.
Three hours later Justin was in the kitchen of the condo putting a couple of glasses in the sink when his grandfather wandered in.
Im glad that you had Brian join us this year. I like him. Good head on his shoulders, that one, and theres more to him than just his looksof course, thats what your grandmother keeps harping on.
Justin smiled. Hes a beauty alright.
I understand that Brian is quite good at his job, too. He seems to have earned himself a pretty good reputation. Bill looked at Justin, obviously wanting more details.
Fine. Hed oblige. Hes amazing. Last year when I was interning at Vanguard I got to see him work. He poured himself a beer as he was talking. I knew he was a partner and all that, but Id never really understood what that meant. He leaned against the counter as he talked, gathering his thoughts. I knew that the employees there are afraid of him because hell ream you out as soon as look at you if you screw up somehow, but hes so fucking good. God, Grandpa, you cant believe how good he is at what he does. Everyone would be beating their head against a wall trying to figure out some problem and hed just look at us like were idiots and in two sentences solve everything brilliantly. I cant tell you how many times I saw him do that.
Bill had a slight smile on his face. I have a confession to make to you.
Justin looked a question at him.
After we met Brian last summer and it was apparent that you two were involved, I thought that it would be a good idea to see what I could find out about himnow, dont give me one of your looks, I was just looking out for you.
You had no right
I had every right, so you behave yourself. He opened his own beer, moving deliberately to give himself some time. I asked a friend of mine who owns an ad agency in New York if he could tell me anything about Vanguard and Brian in particular. He told me that Vanguard has an impeccable reputation, even if they do sometimes go for the low-end accounts. Brian is known as one of the young Turks who is actually surpassing his reputation.
Justin smiled to himself. He knew Brian was hotshit.
Did he ever tell you that he gets headhunted as often as he does?
Brianno. He never said anything about that. He gets headhunted?
Adrian told me that hed heard Brian turned down a good offer for a partnership at a big agency in San Francisco just last week, citing personal reasons.
Justin glanced towards the bedroom where Brian was reading, craving some quiet after four days surrounded by Justins family. He turned down an offer because of me?
I dont know that, but you might want to ask him.
What sort of offer? I mean, was it a good career move for him?
Adrian said that it was a partnership at one of the biggest agencies in the country. They wanted to bring him in, get him familiar with the company and their clients then open and run a New York office for them.
Shit.
He can get away with turning down offers like that for a while, but not forever. If he wants to move or advance beyond the heartland, hes got to do it before hes much older. Theres always new blood coming up.
But hes always said he wants to move out of Pittsburgh.
Then he needs to accept one of these offers hes getting. I thought that you should know. If you two are as involved as you seem to be, you should know the situation hes dealing with. Justin didnt answer, just looked at his grandfather, as he put his glass in the sink and went to the master bedroom.
Just turned off the condo lights as he joined Brian in the room they were sharing. He was stretched out on the bed, shirtless and wearing a pair of sweats in case he had to walk around with everyone there. A book was propped up on his stomach.
Taking off his own shirt, he snuggled in beside his lover, taking his arm and wrapping it around his shoulders. Brian gave him a smile and a kiss, but seemed intent on finishing the chapter he was on. After a moment Justin spoke up.
Were you going to tell me about the offer to head that New York office?
There was a pause as Brian finished the sentence he was reading. I didnt see any reason to. I turned it down.
He turned to stare Brian in the face. Why the fuck did you do that?
Slightly surprised by the outburst, Brian closed his book, putting it down. Because it would have meant that either youd have had to transfer or wed have be separated for a couple of years until you finished your school.
Jesus, Brian
There will be more offers.
But you were always talking about how much you wanted to move, to get away from Pittsburgh.
Sighing with some exasperation, Brian waited until his steam ran out. Im not ready to make the move yet.
Because of me. I could transfer to New York. Its not that big a deal.
He looked at Justin. Obviously this was about more than just a job offer. He got a couple of them a month. I dont tell you about everything that happens any more than you tell me every detail about you. Whats the real problem here?
Just what you said. You dont talk to me, Im just some little twat who wouldnt understand.
Brian calmly looked at him. You know thats not true. Im not going to ask you to uproot from your friends and family and the school you enjoy to follow me. There will be other offers in a couple of years, like I said.
You mean when Im older and we know whether or not were going to stay together.
Brian chose to say nothing. Obviously that was what he was thinking.
My grandfather said
Excuse me?
Caught, Justin moved ahead anyway. He said that youd have to accept one of the offers you get or theyll stop coming.
And what the fuck does he know about it?
Justin hesitated. Brian was bound to find out one way or another. He was asking some advertising friend he has about it.
About me, you mean? Brians expression was pissed.
It not like that. He was concerned about me, thats all. He asked about you and
To see just how big an asshole I am? Did he pull some legal strings to check my police record, too?
Fuck you. He just wanted to find out about you and
Brian got up, giving Justin a hard look. And did I pass the inspection?
BrianChrist. Hes concerned about me, thats all.
Brian was looking out the window, for once containing his anger. Justin stood behind him, his arms going around his waist, his chest and face pressing against Brians back. Justinthis is suchI dont need their fucking approval and youre going to be fucked if you think you do. You cant try to make them happy. What you do and who you do it with is your decision, not theirs.
I know that, but they love me and worry about me. I cant ignore that. I love them, too.
Starting to say something, Brian changed his mind. He took Justins hands away, walking out of the room and going through to the kitchen. He got a glass from the cabinet and rummaged around under the counter until he found the bottle of Chivas hed noticed earlier. Fuck it. He poured himself most of a tumbler, taking it out to the dark great room, sitting down in front of the still faintly burning fireplace.
You drink alone in the dark, youve got a problem.
You sit alone in the dark, so have you.
Its the same problem.
Let me guess. Me?
Justin told you about the talk we had a little while ago. Bill stated it as a given.
Brian leaned back against the cushions, took a large swallow of the liquor, wincing slightly as it went down. Is the problem that youre grandson is a fag, or my age or simply me? Or is it a combination of all of the above?
All of the above and a couple more, to boot.
Of course.
Justins life will be harder as an open homosexual, you certainly know that. Its just natural wed be concerned about that part of things.
You mean like getting his skull bashed in, I take it? It was said mildly. Brian wasnt looking at Bill. His attention was on the fire.
You did have some part in that, theres no getting around it. You did flaunt yourselves. You wanted to tell all those people to fuck themselves and you came damn close.
Close doesnt count except in horseshoes.
Bill ignored the lame humor. Youre older than he isage may just be a number but numbers can matter. Youre established in your field, respected and in demand. You make decent money. Youre expected to maintain a professional demeanor and you can hardly expect to do that with a teenager in tow. Brians eyes shifted to the old man. Would you really take him to some awards dinner or a company party? That would be career suicide, you know better than me how conservative clients would react.
I dont hide that fact at work that Im gay. Its not an issue.
And youre not that naïve. Beyond that, Ive met you a few times now, talked with youyoure an intelligent, sophisticated man in your thirties. How long can a child like Justin hold your interest? What will happen to him when you tire of him, when you move on?
I wouldnt hurt him.
Perhaps not intentionally, but of course you will.
Brian took another swallow. I think its more likely that hell leave me.
The way he looks at you? He wont leave.
Thats now. In a year, maybe two or threehell go.
Bill paused for a moment. Why do you think that? Right now hed follow you to the ends of the earth.
Im his first love. Hell learn from me what he can then move on. One day hell wake up and look at me and see lines on my face and some gray hair and hell see that hes twenty-two or something and hell find someone else.
You think hes that shallow?
No, Justin isnt shallow. Hesyoung and he thinks that this can work. Some day hell realize that its a close ended proposition.
And what do you expect him to do then?
Grieve and move on. Maybe hell hate me, maybe he wont. It will depend on how it goes.
There was silence for a couple of minutes and Brian was beginning to think the conversation was over when Bill spoke up again. When that happensif that happenshave you thought about what youll do?
Ill do without.
Brian, I hope that youre wrong. For that matter, I hope that Im wrong and that you two end up growing old together but if were both rightbe careful, alright?
Brian turned to look at the old man in the dim firelight. Saying nothing, he just nodded as Bill got up, going back to the room he was sharing with his wife.
Be careful. Of what? This was love they were talking about, human emotions. There wasnt any way to be careful and still play. He took another long swallow, draining the glass. It was true; the good stuff did go down smoother. He felt warm hands on his bare shoulders and heard the quiet voice.
Brian, are you coming back?
He raised his right hand, taking Justins hand in his. Standing, putting his glass on the table he nodded, then paused. Pulling Justin to him, he bent enough to kiss him. It was a gentle kiss, tender, not really sexual. Drawing back he looked down at the youngster for a moment then led him back to bed.
* * * * * *
Christmas morning Brian hung back a bit, sitting on the edges, not wanting to intrude on the real family celebration that was going on. He enjoyed watching the youngest Taylors and assorted cousins opening numerous packages, unable to avoid comparing it to the miserable farce that passed for Christmas morning at his childhood home. They hadnt been allowed to come down before nine. They had to eat breakfast and do the dishes. They were handed one present at a time, opening itneatlywhile the others pretended to be interested. There was always silence, other than polite thank yous. After, they would go to both the eleven and twelve oclock services, take communion and then go home. Jack would be passed out drunk when they got back. When he was a teenager, Brian would escape to Mikeys, always an outsider, much as Deb tried to make him welcome.
This was a revelation to him.
They were all happy. There was no artifice, they actually liked one another and enjoyed being together.
Hed never seen this, not really, and had certainly never been party to such a thing. Oh, sure, Deb had tried, and she made a big deal over the holidays, but this was a calm that hed not seen before. It was as though they all knew to the marrow of their bones that they belonged here and it wouldnt changeor if it did, it would only get better and if it didnt theyd still handle it and be fine. There was a confidence and sureness about the strength of their connection that amazed him.
Without fireworks or display, they were a unit, all of them, and they knew it. The others could be counted on, depended on and whatever else happened, that wouldnt change.
Hed never felt more like an outsider in his life.
After a gesture, Molly handed Justin a wrapped tube, which he handed to Brian. Shyly he said, quietly enough that the others didnt hear, I hope you like it. Pulling off the ribbon, removing the paper without tearing it as hed been taught all those years ago, he saw the rolled up paper inside.
It was a smallish pastel of him and Gus, measuring maybe fifteen by twenty inches. Impressionistic in style, it was an idealized view of a father, shirtless and in jeans, holding a newborn, the look on his face one of adoration and wonder.
It was beautiful, the rendering expertly done.
Brian stared at it, loving it, knowing it was a partial lie about his involvement with his son, but loving what it said about how Justin saw himkind and strong and gentle.
Jennifer was looking over their shoulders. Its lovely, sweetie. Her hand rested briefly on Justins hair before she moved away.
I was going to frame it, but I thought that youd like to have that done yourself so you can decide on the mat and all.
Brian looked at him, moving so he could kiss his thanks. Its perfect.
A look from Brian and Molly handed Justin the small, flat box he had gotten the young man. Opening it Justin looked confused for a moment. Brian?
It was two airline tickets to Paris with connections to Rome, Athens and London. I thought that since you have almost a month before you have to be back at school, we could take a tripI mean, if youd like to. Didnt you tell me youd never been to Europe?
The look on Justins face was classic. Are you shitting me? Really? His arms around Brians neck in a strangle hold, mouths together he whispered, I love you. The others didnt have to hear the second part of what hed said, it was obvious.
Brian noticed the look on Bills face, the concern on his face as he studied the two men obvious. He seemed to be making some kind of assessment, as though he were weighing evidence for a case. Leaning into Justins tongue as it entered his mouth, he filed the look into the back of his mind. It looked to him that the old man seemed to be making some sort of decision.
The rest of the day was the usual Christmas routine for the Taylor/ Breiner clan. They had a lazy morning followed by afternoon skiing, back to the rooms to warm up and change and dinner at the best restaurant they could find. This year, bowing to the number of kids with them, they had agreed on a good family place that would offer things the youngsters would not just eat, but enjoy. The adults didnt care all that much about the food itselfat least not enough to make an issue of it, so the French place Jennifers sister had been hoping for would wait for either another day or another year.
Everyone seated at the table, the meals ordered and served, the wine poured, Bill proposed the usual toast for the New Year to be happy and healthy for them all. Justin looked from his grandfather to Brian, wondering at the look they seemed to exchange. After that, the conversation settled in general talk until Susan, Jens sister, turned to Brian and asked, So, are you two planning on getting married? You know its legal up in Canada now.
All talk stopped. Brian just stared at the woman wondering how the fuck, in an obviously intelligent family, she had managed to avoid getting a brain. Justin was the one who finally broke the silence with an attempt to lighten things. Oh, we havent talked about anything like that, Aunt Susan. Im too young to get married
But you could and then youd be on his insurance and youre not at all too young. Heavens! I was only eighteen when I married John and weve been wonderfully happy. Besides, the way you two feel about one another, it would make sense.
Well, maybe one of these days. Theres no hurry. Im still in school and we dont really know
Oh, Justin, of course you do! Ive been watching both of you all week and youre like newlyweds already, the way you are together.
Jen jumped in before Brian could open his mouthnot an accident. Sue, Im sure they know the laws and if they decide anything Im sure well know soon enough. Theres no rush.
Well, yes, but Id have thought youd want Justin protected legally if theyre living together and after what happened. He cant be on your insurance forever and if something were to happen, well, you cant be too careful. Goodness, you thought that you and Craig would be together forever and look how that turned out and after what you told me about some of the times youve walked in on the two of them, Id have thought that an announcement would be coming any minute.
Momyou told them about that? God, you swore to me that you wouldnt Justin had his hand on Brians leg, trying to diffuse the explosion likely to come. Claudia came to the rescue.
Justin, I didnt mean to say anything, but we were talking one day and it came up in the conversation.
In conversation? What the Hell were you talking about? Mom, Jesus.
I swear, Susan Helen, if you dont stick a sock in that mouth of yours for once, Ill do it for you. These boys will do what they want to do when they want to do it and thats the end of the subject. Now what is everyone having for dessert? Im looking at that cheesecakeBill? What would you like tonight?
Though his glare stayed in place, Brian visibly relaxed, the muscles in his thigh slowly releasing their knots as he, for once, ate the entire portion of chocolate mousse placed in front of him and ignored Susans comment that he didnt eat enough to keep a fly alive.
Later, back at the rooms, Brian and Justin were sitting together on the couch, fire burning, talking quietly together. They were going over the plans Brian had made for the trip, looking at the complete itinerary and planning what they would do, what they would see. To get to New York to catch the flight to Paris, they would have to leave the day after tomorrow. Susan and family were next door, having been duly chastised by the grandparents and Jennifer and having given the two young men a seemingly heartfelt, if not completely understood, apology.
Finally Justin leaned back in Brians arms, just looking at the fire, lost in thought, Brian now reading through some of the work hed brought with him. Bill was reading the biography of John Adams hed been meaning to get to and which hed received as one of his presents.
Would you ever want to get married? We could, its legal in some places now.
Brian didnt shift his eyes from his report. I have no need to do it. Most of the married people I know are pretty fucking miserable.
Were happy now. Why would it change?
It does.
Justin took hold of the hand draped over his shoulder, rubbing the fingers. Bill was listening, pretending to still be reading. Just because your parents were unhappy
And yours are divorced.
But my grandparents
Are exceptions.
We would be, too.
He put down the folder, turning his head to look at Justin. Are you bringing this up now because of your aunt? Justin didnt answer. Youve been thinking about this since the munchers little ceremony, havent you? That was a year ago. Why havent you said anything?
Because I knew how youd feel about it.
And you thought that our coming here and seeing a nice big family Christmas would change my mind? Ive told you before. Were not straight and were not dykes. There isnt a chance in Hell that Id go along with some pathetic imitation of a meaningless breeder ritual, now fucking drop it. With a look, Justin got up, disappearing into their bedroom, closing the door behind him. Bill caught Brians eye.
You hurt him just now.
No, I was honest with him. Lying to him would have been cruel. He knows how I feel about this.
It could be that you two are looking for different things.
Brian was about to give one of his snide comebacks when he thought better of it. Whether we are or not, a license wont make any difference.
In fact it will, and you know that as well as I do. Hell be protected legally, hell probably be able to be on your benefits and hell have a degree of security that he doesnt have nowas will you.
He looked into the fire as he considered how much, and what to say. Hes already listed on my benefits as my domestic partner. Jennifer knows that, she dropped him from her policy almost a year ago. Hes also in my will along with my son. As for the emotional security, thats up to him. He knows how I feel. A ring or a contract wont change it.
Does Justin know this?
I was going to discuss it with him when we get to Europe. He seemed about to end the conversation, about to get up and leave when he paused. It has nothing to do with being gay. I wouldnt want to get married no matter who I was fusleeping with.
Because of your parents?
He spread his hands in a gesture of resignation. Whatever.
What about what you were saying the other night? That you expect him to leave you in a couple of years?
The fact that I expect something to happen doesnt mean it will and theres no reason to not be prepared if something happens today.
Jennifer came in, wearing her robe. Am I interrupting anything?
No, honey, I was just getting to know Brian a little bit better.
Ill just bet you were. Jen knew her father. She knew what he had put Craig through twenty-five years ago. She also knew he hadnt changed. Are you two going to stay up all night? Its almost one in the morning. If youre going to ski tomorrow you should get to bed, both of you.
Brian gave her one of his half smiles. Yes, Mom.
You, too, Dad.
Bill stood up, she was probably right. If you dont mind, I was just talking to my son-in-law.
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