Secrets

~ Four ~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"My brother? Dad? What the fuck?"

She was sixteen years old and she was just finding out now that she had a brother.

Brian's arm was still around her shoulder, they were still casually strolling through Central Park to the Plaza. He spoke quietly, as though explaining why he had decided to get the blue car instead of the black one. "His name is Gus, he's almost three."

"But how…?"

"His mother and I are old friends, we've known each other since college and she asked me, as a favor, to father her child for her."

This afternoon was not what Jamie had expected it to be. "So-she's the second woman you slept with?"

"Not that it's any of your business, but she is, yes." He caught her smirk, probably trying to picture her father having sex-always an unreal thought for a kid. "We didn't for Gus. It was done in a clinic." He wasn't going to use the jerking off into a cup story to his teenaged daughter. Hell, he had standards. "I wasn't even in the same room."

"Doesn't she have a husband or a boyfriend or something?"

"She does, but her name is Melanie." She looked at him. "They're lesbians, they're raising him."

"Holy Fuck-are there any more or is it just the two of us? And you live with some kid who's almost my age. Dad, Jesus."

"We are-an American family."

"Does Mom know about all of this?"

"Of course she knows." They were approaching the hotel. "Are you OK with this?"

"Which part of 'this' are you referring to?"

"Take your pick."

They went inside, crossed over to the elevators, and pushed the button. "I guess I'm alright with the boyfriend-what was his name? Justin? But I want to meet him. He's too young for you."

OK. "Go on."

"This whole having a brother is going to take some getting used to. I mean, what does he look like? Is he smart? He's not going to grow up to be an asshole, is he?"

"We're hoping he doesn't. Gus is smart and he looks like me."

"Oh, God, another one of you."

"You should be so lucky."

They got off at their floor. "Dad?"

"Yes?"

"I wondered if I, I'd like to-would you mind if…"

"What do you want to ask me, Jamie?"

"When we get back could I come stay with you for part of the break? I've been to your place and I've slept over for a night, but I've never really stayed with you for like a week or two. Would that be alright?"

Brian put the key card into the slot, they went into his room. He'd be outted, everyone would find out. It wasn't possible to keep this secret any longer if she did that. "Why don't we take a trip together? You've never been to London. You'd love it there."

She didn't want that and he knew it. She looked at him with his eyes and he knew he could just tell her no, but-fuck it. "I want to see how you live when you're not around us. Please?" He was stalling.

It was obvious there was more to this than just wanting to spend some quality time together. "Ask your mother. If it's alright with her, you may. You want to meet everyone else, don't you?"

She caught on. The lightning hit. "You've never told any of your friends about me, have you? They probably don't even know I exist, do they?"

"It-you're none of their fucking business."

She didn't say anything for a minute, then, "Shit yes, I want to meet everyone. You're my father and you have this whole other life that I don't know anything about. God, who are your friends? What's it like where you work? What do you do on the weekends? How could you keep all this a secret? How could you do this? I'm your daughter and you never even told me that you have another kid and you're screwing this guy who's practically my age and-how could you keep all this stuff such a big fucking secret?" She paused for a second to take a breath. "Are you ashamed of me?"

"You know I'm proud of you-don't even start with that."

"So why am I this big fucking secret?"

"I thought…"

"What did you fucking think? That I'd never find out you have another kid? And that you like little boys?-that's disgusting. Who the fuck are you, Michael Jackson? God!"

"Jamie…"

"No, this is disgusting. What do you do to him? Do you put your-God, I can't even say it-do you put your thing in his ass? God, Dad, how can you do that? Do you, God I kiss you and your mouth has been-oh, God!"

"That's enough." He didn't shout, there was no need. "You know I'm gay and you've known it all your life. If that's becoming a problem for you at this somewhat late date, you need to deal with it because it's what I am and it's not changing-and it's none of your fucking business what I do with Justin-or anyone else, for that matter."

"Sure I knew you're gay, but I never thought about-I mean, you really do all those things, those gay things men do?" She was standing framed against the window, Central Park spread out below her, green framed by large buildings.

"What are you talking about? The clichés you see on TV? Bathhouses? Orgies? Where is this coming from, Jame? Because if you're upset that I have parts of my life I chose to keep private-frankly, that's my business. Yes, you have a half brother. You may meet him and you'll probably like him just fine."

"What, am I supposed to baby-sit the brat? Fuck you."

He ignored that. "And I also have a lover who's younger than I am-and what we do in bed, or anywhere else, for that matter, is none of your fucking business."

"Yes it is. You're my father."

"My sex life doesn't concern you and I have a right to live my fucking life any way I want."

"It's disgusting."

"What is? Being gay?"

"The way you do it is."

"Fucking excuse me? Is the problem his age or that he's male?"

"How about both?"

Jamie had gone too far and she knew it. In all her life, in all the times she had spent time with her father, they had never had a real argument. Never. She just loved him too much for that. He was too perfect to ever really get mad at, but she was picturing what he and this 'Justin' did together and he had a kid he never even told her about and-what else was there? What other secrets were he sitting on-besides none of his friends even knowing he'd had a daughter for sixteen years. What was he so fucking ashamed of? Her?

It was like since yesterday he'd morphed into a different person or something. It was like he had this whole other life, for God's sake.

"How come I've never met your parents?"

Another can of worms had just been opened. "It's not important. They're not important."

More secrets. "Do they even know I exist?"

Damnit. How long had all this been building up? How long had she felt this way and what the hell was this homophobia crap she was spouting? Brian sat on the edge of the bed; Jamie remained standing by the window.

"Your mother and I told both sets of our parents when we learned that she was pregnant. Hers took it better than mine did." Pat's parents had been kind and loving to Jamie, supporting her and her mother both emotionally and financially until Brian and Pat were in positions to pay all the bills themselves. Brian had even made good his promise to pay them back the early expenses. Unlike the Kinney's, they hadn't berated or condemned or belittled the kids. There had been no suggestive comments or dirty jokes-the standard fare in Brian's house from then on.

"Meaning?"

"Meaning just what you probably think-that they refused to have anything to do with either you or your mother."

She looked out at the park, composing her thoughts. "Because you were both fifteen and didn't get married?"

"And because my mother considered what we'd done to be original sin for which she still hasn't forgiven me."

"Do they know you're a fag?"

The obviously intended insult, coming from his daughter, made him slightly flinch. "They do now. I told my father a couple of months before he died and my mother found out about a year ago."

"More secrets?" She practically sneered at him.

"That's enough. My choices are mine, not yours."

"Fine."

They both stopped, it was a standoff. This was getting them nowhere. "Your mother should be back soon. Why don't you go across the hall and get ready for dinner. We'll talk more about this later. Calmly."

She nodded, upset and not knowing what other shoes might be dropping in the next few days. As she went to the door the phone rang. Brian picked up.

"Yes?…How did you know where I was staying?…I'll thank Lindsay when I see her…If I'd wanted to leave my cel on I would have, now what's the problem?…Justin, for shit's sake I told you I'm in New York…Well, I was going to tell you…"

Jamie's ears had picked up when she'd heard the name. He was talking to his boy toy, as she had already nicknamed this Justin person. "Can I talk to him?"

She was standing beside Brian. He looked up at her from where he was still sitting on the bed, shook his head and spoke into the receiver. "None of your business who that was…I'll be home Sunday and we'll talk about it."

"Shit, you haven't even told your boyfriend about me, have you? How many fucking secrets do you have?"

He was now clearly angry. "Get your ass over to your own room. Now."

"Why? So you can lie to him, too? I thought you were the one who's always saying I should tell the truth. Why don't you just tell him now?" She began almost yelling in the direction of the phone. "Justin? Justin? My name is Jamie and your boyfriend is my father, did you hear me? Brian Kinney is my father and I'm sixteen years old and he knocked up my mother when they were both fifteen. You ask him about it, maybe he'll tell you."

Brian's response was one of his better and more heartfelt glares. If she'd been anyone else there would have been serious consequences. "I told you to go to your room. Go." She did, smirking at the damage she knew she'd just caused. Yeah, well, payback's a bitch, Dad. She made a point of slamming the door-a drama queen to her core.

"Justin, calm down, we'll clear all this up when I get home. I told you that."

"Who the hell was that, Brian? Your daughter from when you were fifteen? And I'm just hearing about this now? This is such bullshit-you're Mr. I'm Always Fucking Honest-remember? What's going on?"

He actually sighed. "Her name is Jamie and she's who she says she is."

"…And in three years you never got a minute to mention this little detail? I know you're a drop in dad for Gus, but you couldn't have dropped a hint or two maybe?"

"Justin, we'll talk when I get back."

"And you think I'll believe anything you have to say? Fuck you, Brian. Does anyone know about her besides Lindsay? And where the fuck is her mother? Are you banging her for a change of pace from your 'blond boy ass'?" There was no answer. "I figured as much. Christ."

"Will you be there Sunday?"

"Long enough to heard your lameass excuses."

Return to Secrets