Secrets

~ Two ~

Warnings: AU/ underage het sex

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"God, Dad, I was so worried that you wouldn't make it here in time. I was trying to call you and there was no answer and I was starting to think that…"

Brian was still holding his daughter, her head now up to his nose. She was tall and slender, and looked like the two of them but still somehow favored Brian, especially his eyes. There was no mistaking that he was her father. Pat had told him that she'd received offers from legitimate agencies to model and they were thinking about it.

He saw her as often as he could, but it still amazed him to actually see her and hold her. The fact that she was real still made him stop and wonder at both his astounding good fortune in her birth and that she really did seem to have the best parts of both her parents with the faults-both physical and otherwise- somehow being edited out.

None of his friends knew about her or her mother, well, almost none of them knew. None of them knew the whole story, certainly. None of them knew that Gus was Brian's second child. None of his friends would recognize the Brian his daughter and her mother knew.

The two women predated most of Brian's walls and defenses and so they were never put into place for them, there would have been no point and they would have just knocked them down anyway. They knew him too well to let him hide. With them he was the man he might have been if his early life had been different. With them he was the way he might have been if Joan and Jack hadn't raised him.

When Pat had told him that she was pregnant they had both been fifteen years old, Catholic and scared to death.

They had spoken in whispers, afraid that someone would overhear them, frightened and not knowing what to do. They had talked about the only possible options they had-marriage at fifteen, an abortion, adoption.

They didn't know what to do and the baby-'it', the 'thing'-was just some abstract that had to be dealt with like a failed English test or a dent in the family car, hopefully before anyone found out. That was how Brian thought of it, at first anyway.

They were both afraid to tell their parents.

It hadn't been planned. Well, the baby obviously wasn't, but the whole thing had just sort of happened. It wasn't like they were going steady or any of that and while Brian hadn't been a virgin when it happened, he'd never been with a girl before.

It had just, well, it just happened.

They were best friends and they both knew that. Brian was gay and they knew that too. Pat had wanted to go to the Spring Dance but no one had asked her so when Brian had seen her crying about being left out and having to stay home he had done the only thing he could, he asked if she would maybe want to go with him. They didn't even go to the same school anymore since his family had moved a year before, but he and Pat were still friends, still in touch.

She started to tell him that he didn't have to do it-God, a pity date was almost worse than none at all, but he convinced her that he wanted to go. Really. He wanted to see the old people again and think how cool it would be for the two of them to just walk in together.

Both sets of parents were thrilled.

Pat's parents were happy that she was going to the dance and that Brian, who they knew and trusted and liked, would be her escort. They knew that she would be well looked after and that she would be safe. She'd have a nice time and they wouldn't have anything to worry about. The Brian they knew was smart and funny and usually quiet and devoted to their daughter.

Brian's parents were happy that their late blooming son had finally asked a girl out. Jack didn't mind telling anyone who'd listen that he'd started worrying if maybe the kid was a little light in the loafers, but it seemed like he was alright after all, just a slow starter, you know. He'd be making up for lost time now. Hell, a kid with his looks, it wouldn't be a problem.

Brian's new friend, Mikey, was less than sympathetic when he heard that Brian would be taking an old friend to the dance at his old school. "But she's a girl. I mean, God, Brian. What if she expects you to kiss her or something? I mean, that's gross."

"She just a friend, Mikey, that's not going to happen. You are so pathetic."

"Yeah, well since when are you friends with girls?"

"Since I was four."

"Just friends?"

"God, Mikey, you're even asking?"

"Yeah, but, I still don't see why you're taking her to some stupid dance."

"We're friends. Get over yourself."

So Brian rented the tux and Pat's parents picked him up and drove both of them to the country club. Pat had shopped with her mother for the perfect dress, her hair was done and they both looked like kids are supposed to look going to their first big dance. They were scrubbed and nervous and excited and they would have a good time.

The trouble started almost as soon as they walked in the door.

"Kinney? Shit, I thought that faggot moved."

"You here with your fag hag, Kinney? Your boyfriend couldn't make it tonight?"

Luckily a couple of Pat's friends came over, pulling them away before fists were thrown. They stayed with the group of friends, taking a table and dancing over where they weren't close to the jocks intent on being pains in the ass. So far things seemed to be going pretty well. They dutifully lined up to have their picture taken, played by the rules and everything should have been fine.

They were having a good time. They really were. The jocks had left them alone after a warning from a couple of the teachers who were chaperoning and things were OK, better than Brian had thought the dance would be. The music was decent, the place was fancy enough for them all to feel like adults and they knew that they looked good in their finery. They even liked the food.

Then the real problem arrived.

It was midnight and Brian's father had agreed to pick the kids up. He was drunk and surly and it had taken three of the other men to get Jack to shut up about the fact that he guessed this proved his kid wasn't any Goddamned fairy and he was the best Goddamned looking kid in the place, and the Goddamned smartest, too. Best fucking thing he'd ever done was move his family out of the crap filled town and he'd be fucked before he ever set foot in it again-and what with being married to Joan that would be a hell of a long time.

Someone got Jack's keys away from him and drove him home. Someone else called Pat's parents who came to get them and then told Brian that he should just stay over in the guestroom. He could borrow Jimmy's clothes, he wouldn't care. That was Pat's older brother, now away at Notre Dame.

Around two in the morning Pat walked across the hall to make sure that Brian was sleeping and that he was alright. He'd been so embarrassed, so upset after what had happened and they both knew it would be all over town by dinnertime.

She sat on the edge of the bed. He was awake. Lying on top of the bedding, wearing a pair of Jimmy's old track shorts. She hadn't bothered to turn on the light.

"No one will care, you know how these things are. In a day or two everyone will forget about the whole thing."

"No they won't.

"Sure they will. It just seems like a big thing because it just happened and because it happened to us."

"I fucking hate him." She could hear that he was crying and she wiped her fingers across his cheek, feeling the wet. Pat lay down against him, gathering him into her arms like her mother used to do when she was little and had a nightmare. Brian pressed against her, his back hitching with the silent crying. It went on for long minutes.

She hugged him tighter and somehow he was hugging her back. He turned so that they were facing each other and she could feel his hardness pressing against her stomach. Their faces were close together and somehow it just seemed natural to kiss. They never had before, both of them knew Brian was gay, but it felt good and neither of them stopped. It was better than being alone and they had both wondered what it would be like with each other. There had been times when they had even joked about it together.

They were fifteen and they were upset and they just knew that what they were doing felt good.

He rolled over on top of her and her legs opened with no thought on her part as he settled between. He nightgown had ridden up and his cock was easy enough to release from the too large shorts.

"We shouldn't so this."

"I know." She pulled him closer, they were kissing and using their tongues and she moved so that it was easy for him. It didn't take long and afterwards she lay against his shoulder, his arm around her. It was still dark, it was still quiet. No one else in the house had woken up, no one knew.

"Are you alright? Did I hurt you?"

"…No. Are you OK?"

He nodded and turned his face to her. "You're sure? I heard that for a girl the first time came be…that it can hurt."

"Only a little. I'm fine."

Neither of them knew what to say after that.

"I should go back to my room. If my parents found us they'd flip out."

"Yeah. You sure…?"

"I'm OK, I told you." She was standing, her nightgown now chastely back where it belonged, skimming the floor. "Do you think you can sleep now?"

"Yes, I think so. Can you?"

They were suddenly shy with each other. A line had been crossed and they knew it. "I'll see you at breakfast." She closed the door and, much to both of their surprise, they did sleep.

They both slept in, Pat's parents letting them stay in bed until past eleven then waking them for brunch. They carefully avoided any mention of the way the evening had ended at the dance and had gone on about how nice they had both looked, how much fun it seemed everyone was having and generally ignoring the fact that both youngsters were barely speaking. The parents just marked it down to not enough sleep. They also made a point of telling Brian how happy they were that he and Pat had managed to keep their friendship despite him living all the way on the other side of the city.

They didn't talk much during the next few weeks. Pat didn't know what to say and Brian was afraid of what she might think they were boyfriend and girlfriend now. They weren't-as far as he was concerned. Sure, yeah, of course, things were a little bit different now, probably, but they were still just really good friends. Right? God, this didn't mean he'd gone straight or anything.

Neither of them told anyone what had happened. Their parents didn't knew, nor their priests. Brian didn't tell Mikey and Pat didn't tell any of her friends, either.

Three weeks later Pat called him with the news that she was late. She didn't cry or scream or even blame him, she simply told him that she thought she was pregnant and they needed to get together and figure out what they were going to do about it.

Jesus, that hadn't even really occurred to him. They'd only done it once, for Christ's sake. Well, OK, in theory that was all it took, but-Jesus. This couldn't be fucking happening. They were only fifteen. They were Catholic. They were totally screwed and scared to death.

They arranged a supposed movie date that Friday.

"You're sure?"

"I took one of those tests." He looked at her with the last hope he had. "Yes." They were sitting on a bench in the park. "Shit, my parents are going to kill me."

"So are mine." Brian held her hand. He was Catholic, he'd heard all the lectures and knew the score; he knew what he was supposed to do. Pat was his best friend, they could do this-it would be a huge mistake, but you play, you pay-wasn't that what everyone said? "We'll get married."

"God, Brian, don't be stupid. We're fifteen, no one will marry us."

"You could get rid of it."

"No." Period.

Fine. "Adoption? Pat, we're running out of choices here."

"I want to have it and I want to keep it."

That was one he hadn't considered. "How the fuck are you going to do that? We aren't even old enough to get working papers yet, we can't drive or anything. Jesus, Pat-we've fifteen fucking years old and sophomores in high school. How the fuck are we going to take care of a kid?"

"You don't have to do anything. I'll do it myself."

Brian knew better than that. "The fuck you will. This is my kid, too."

"So you stay in school, go to college and make a lot of money because we're going to need it. I'll stay with my parents until then. And I'll finish high school at least." They were both honor students, the kind who had drilled into them that they had to get good grades, go to school every day and all of that-except from Jack, of course. He wanted his kids to have just slightly less than he did. Forever.

"You have this planned out, don't you?"

"I didn't fucking plan it any more than you planned to get laid with a girl but it happened and I've had time to think about it."

This wasn't right. This wasn't what was supposed to happen. None of this was supposed to happen. They really should be going to some fucking movie, not talking about having a kid at like fifteen. Shit. "You've had the same classes I have. It's not safe to have a baby at our age. There can be all kinds of problems-the kid could come out screwed up or you could have some kind of trouble." Jesus, she had been his best friend since they were in a sandbox. All the horror stories they'd heard began to have her face and Brian started getting frightened for her for real. "You can't do this, Pat. You just fucking can't."

"Damnit, Brian, I've made up my mind. If you don't want to help, then fine and fuck you."

Jesus. Shit. They were both so scared.

"You know I'll help you, don't start that, I'll do whatever you want. Anything."

They both took a breath. They could get through this. They could.

"Help me tell our parents, OK?" They were holding hands by now and some woman pushing her baby in a stroller smiled at them as she walked by. "Lovebirds."

God, this was going to be a walk in the park. Their parents couldn't even stand each other. "Sure. I guess we might as well tell them all at the same time."

Later that evening, after the 'date' with Brian was over and Pat was home she suggested that it might be nice to get to know the Kinney's better. Her parents exchanged glances-the elder Kinney's were horrible people, no one could stand them. It was a miracle that Brian had turned out the way he had.

Please? They would be grilling on Sunday, it was supposed to be a nice day and Brian's birthday was coming up soon. Couldn't they come just this once? Please?

On Sunday afternoon Brian's family came over for an unexpected cookout invitation from the Weller's. It had never happened before and both sets of parents knew something was up, but didn't know what. Oh, hell, maybe the kids just wanted them to all get along now that they seemed to be dating.

The real reason for them being there hadn't occurred to any of them. The two kids looked so close, sitting together, whispering to one another about their little secrets. They were cute, really.

After they ate the steaks and the salad and the ice cream was mostly either gone or melted Brian looked around the picnic table and restrained himself from starting with a bad joke about how he knew they were all wondering what they were all doing here today.

"Pat and I have something that we have to tell you." He stopped and she looked at him, silently pleading with him to go on and finish.

A couple of breathes and he was about to continue when Jack blurted out his idea of funny, "What's the big announcement? You get her pregnant or something?" He started to laugh-though no one else did.

"Yes." It was said quietly.

In the silence Joan made the first remark. "Well, he's your son, after all. Not an ounce of self restraint or morals."

"You couldn't have used a Goddamned rubber?"

"Patty, are you sure?"

"Have you thought about what you're going to do?"

"She'll put it up for adoption, of course. It's the only thing she can do, they certainly can't get married at their ages."

"You got any idea how much it costs to raise a kid nowadays? What the fuck kind of a job do you think you're going to get? Slinging hash?"

"How the hell long has this been going on?"

"I guess we didn't move far enough!"

Finally Pat cut through the voices. "Brian and I have talked about it. I'm going to have it and I'm going to keep it. I'll finish high school by mail or I'll just take a year off, but I'll finish and he's going to finish then go to college. We're going to take care of it."

Pat's mother. "Patty, sweetheart, you have no idea how hard it is to take care of a baby. And you and Brian are too young, you can't get married…"

"We don't want to get married and we don't even want to live together."

"Oh, Jesus."

"So how do you see this working out, if I might ask?"

"I'll stay here, if I can, Brian will stay with his parents. None of that changes."

Brian. "I'm working now, part time. I know I don't make much, but Pat can have it all. When I get a real job I'll pay back whatever you spend on her and the baby."

"Brian, you can't give it all to me. You need some for college."

"Patty, of course you can stay here, this is your home. We'll work out the financial arrangements later. Jack, Joan, I think the only thing we can do is what Patty has suggested, at least until the baby is born and after that we can decide on something long term." It was obvious Pat's mother thought the thing would end up adopted. She couldn't help but add, "Oh, Brian, we trusted you."

"Yeah, well, it takes two-how do we know she didn't get herself knocked up on purpose? Huh? How do we know it's even his?"

"Shut up, Dad. It's, shit, it's mine and we didn't plan anything."

"Sure, you just let your dick do your thinking for you, that's what happened."

"Mr. Kinney-Jack, that's enough."

"They are sinners, fornicators and I'll have nothing to do with this bastard child. Jack, Brian, I had hoped for better but I can't say I'm surprised that this sort of thing would happen. You, young man, will go to confession."

"Get off the pulpit, Miss High and Mighty. Your son knocked her up and now we have to deal with it."

"I'll pray for it, for it's immortal soul."

"Mom, not helping."

And so it went, back and forth for an hour or more. The final decision was that Pat would get what she wanted, at least for now. She would stay at home, as would Brian. They would both stay in school with Pat taking an obvious break. The baby would either stay with Pat and her parents or be placed for adoption. That decision didn't need to be made quite yet.

Later back in the Kinney house, after a silent ride back, Jack took Brian aside, punched him playfully in the arm and said, "So you got caught first time up to bat, huh? Guess that just makes you another dumb Mick in a long line."

After the initial shock had worn off, neither Brian nor Pat would ever really understand why it was that big a deal. OK, sure, they'd gotten pregnant, but it was the 80's, for Chrissake, not the 50's. It happened. It did. But Brian's mother vowed that the bastard wouldn't set foot in her home and that she would never acknowledge it as her grandchild. Brian was a sinner, and even if he had forced himself on Pat as he likely had, the girl had probably enticed him.

Jack's attitude seemed to be a sort of macho swagger at his son's apparent prowess and Pat's parents basically accepted it was a fact and a done deal. Though certainly not happy, they did what they could to help.

In the end it happened as Pat wanted. The baby, a girl named Jamie, was born full term and healthy. Pat transferred to another school and told no one that the baby was hers. She'd gotten tired of the gossip and the whispering when she walked down the halls. She had found that almost as bad were the well meaning words of advice from almost everyone she met.

Fuck it, just fuck it.

Everyone assumed it was Jamie was her little sister. Pat went on to major in computer science at Carnegie-Mellon, getting her masters at the same school.

Brian went to Penn State, working two jobs all through six years of college and grad school. Every penny he could possibly spare went to Pat and his daughter.

He saw them as often as he could; they talked on the phone at least several times a week.

Neither of them told anyone, at least while they were in school, that the baby was theirs.

Later Pat didn't hide that Jamie was hers, but since she had moved to a job almost an hour from her parent's home, few back home knew and the ones who did, didn't seem to care all that much. She had stopped worrying about it by the time Jamie was born, but she knew that it would be harder on Brian if his parents had to deal with what they saw as the embarrassment of an illegitimate grandchild.

Finally it worked out that though Pat and Jamie lived openly as mother and daughter, Brian simply-at first on purpose and then almost out of habit more than anything-kept that part of his life to himself. Besides, by then all of his walls were solidly in place. This was one of the things he kept private.

There were times when Pat wondered if it was a form of self-protection, that if anyone knew about Jamie, somehow it would be tainted. It a way it was as though Brian chose to keep this one part of his life just for himself. It was the one place where he was completely open.

Brian simply never brought the subject up and no one on Liberty Avenue or at Ryder or later at Vanguard knew. Michael didn't know and later, the habit of separating his life was so much a part of him that Justin didn't know either.

Lindsay was the only person who knew that Gus had a half sister. He had told her one night at Penn State after sharing three joints and sworn her to secrecy. Not even Melanie knew. Joan and Jack told no one. Joan because she was ashamed and Jack because he was just glad that it wouldn't cost him anything. Out of sight, out of mind.

Brian was there for almost every birthday, every Christmas. He would drop in unannounced with pizza or Chinese or tickets to the Pirates when he knew Pat needed a night out. He always took their calls and, unknown to anyone other than the HR department and Pat, Jamie was on his insurance. She was also in his will.

None of his friends would have recognized him. He was kind and gentle and soft-spoken with them-though his natural snark would come out now and then. He simply didn't need his walls with them. They weren't necessary. He knew that neither of them would ever hurt him any more than he would ever hurt them.

It was the best part of his life and he intended to keep it that way.

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