Pillow Talk

It was late. A full moon was visible outside the window and it was a cold January night. A fire burned just a few feet away in the stone fireplace warming the room so that the down duvet was enough. The two men who held each other in the large bed were still catching their breath after several rounds of lovemaking and now were nestled together, relishing the warmth of the bed and the room and each other. Both were feeling lazy and sated and satisfied. Neither was quite ready for sleep yet. One turned his face to the other, gently smiling asking quietly,

"Have you had many lovers, Edward?"

A chuckle. "No, not so very many…not for a man of my years, I shouldn't think."

Horatio turned onto his side to face his partner, head on hand, the other hand resting lightly on Edward's chest, playing with the hairs there. The fire cast enough light to see well enough. "Not so very many years. Would you tell me?"

After a moment Edward answered. "There have only been three who mattered. There were others I've spent a night or two with, but only three who meant anything to me.

"Do you mind my asking?" The older man touched Horatio's face, sliding his hand down to his shoulder and then down to his chest.

"No, we agreed to have no secrets, remember, love?" He leaned in for a gentle kiss, signifying that it was all right. "When I was a new Lieutenant, about twenty-three, I should think, I became close friends with another officer on the ship I served at the time. He was an older man, perhaps thirty-three or four. He was one of those who, although perfectly competent, never seem to have the spark that sets some apart from the rest. The spark that you have in abundance, Sweeting." A smile and a caress to Horatio's cheek before Edward continued. "We were involved in some sea battles with the Colonies, so it must have been in 77' or 78'. One night we were patrolling off the coast of, I guess that it was Virginia. Jonathan and I had the watch. It was a perfect night. Warm and balmy. A slight breeze. A beautiful night. We fell to talking about our homes and our families. You know how it is on ship, how rare it is to talk about your home life. I think that I'd missed that sort of talk. No one cared about me, I mean personally, on that ship other than Jon. When the watch ended we went down to the wardroom. No one else was there, at least not awake. We had a glass of wine. You can imagine the scene, I'm sure. I wasn't a virgin by then, but when he kissed me I was absolutely astounded. I'd wanted him to do so, of course, but would never have done anything about it. He must have known how I felt, though. We became lovers that night, of course. I was so amazed, Horatio! You can't imagine how much so! I had never known that two men could share that kind of tenderness and happiness, that two men could be so close to each other as we became. He taught me that, you see. I was happier with him than I'd been up until that time."

Horatio smiled at the other's happiness, brushing a loose lock of hair away from his face. Edward sighed as he remembered back over twenty years.

"What happened to him? Are you still friends?"

A shake of his head. "No. Three months later he was killed during an engagement with the Colonists. A splinter tore into his arm. He bled to death before anything could be done for him. I didn't even know until after the battle ended that he'd died. I was in a different part of the ship busy with my gun crew at the time."

Horatio was guilt stricken. "I'm sorry, I had no idea, love. If I had known, I'd never have asked you about this."

"No, it's alright, sweet. It was long ago and I've made my peace with it. I think now, looking back that we would have parted anyway at some point. I fear that my career advanced much faster than his had and I was soon transferred to another ship. I think that he would have become jealous after a time. But he was a good man, and kind to me when I needed that. I'm always grateful to him on that account."

There was a silence as both their thoughts turned to Edward's dead lover. Finally Horatio kissed Edward's shoulder, and then said, "He sounds a bit like Henry Clayton on the Justinian. We were never lovers, but your Jonathan sounds like they may have been alike." A deep breath, a gentle caress to his neck and throat. "Then who? You said there were three."

"Oh no. That you won't hear about from me, young sir! The second is a man who you know and you'll not be giving him looks when you encounter him out and about. It was over and done with before we met, so mind your own business about this one, if you don't mind."

"Edward, that's not fair, you know that I'll be completely discrete whenever I meet him. I swear that I will. Is it someone on the Indy?"

"Not a word from me!"

"Someone at the Admiralty, then? Perhaps another Captain?"

Laughing, Horatio's hand slipped to Edwards's ribs, tickling slightly, his leg was thrown over the older man's hip, pinning him in place. He was one of the only people on earth who knew that the Captain Sir Edward Pellew, Knight of the Bath, Baronet, national hero, was, in fact, quite ticklish.

"Cease that at once or you'll be keelhauled. See if you're not."

"Edward, tell me…please…you said no secrets…you did agree to that…"

"No!" The hand was firmly grasped and held, then kissed and released. The point was ceded lost.

"Fine, then who is number three, or is he another deep secret?"

"He is, one I've sworn to reveal to no one." The hand moved again on the ribs.

"Alright, enough! It's you. You are my third lover. You are my finest and you will be my last. You are the one who the others prepared me for, and you are the one for whom I waited all these years." Edward leaned forward for another kiss. "If I had met you sooner, I'd not have been ready for you. I am now, and I'll not release you." His arms tightened around Horatio.

A wry look.

"If you had met me much sooner, I'd not have finished puberty."

A smile. "Fortunate for us both that you have, I'd say."

Laughing quietly, Horatio moved over atop Edward, holding him tightly in his arms and kissing him thourghly. Their tongues slid against each other, and their bodied followed suit. Hands stroked the flesh that had already been sensitized, and lips and tongues followed fingers to favorite spots. Laughing, the older man stopped his lover before they had gone beyond the point of no return. "Enough! Enough, you'll have me in my grave, young wanton. Three in a single evening is quite my limit, I fear!"

Rolling the younger man onto his back, Edward held him, relishing the sight of adoration on Horatio's face, which he bracketed in both of his hands, caressing gently with his fingers. "What of you, love? I've often wondered. Have you always been attracted to men or has it only been lately you've had such leanings? Young Kennedy is obvious in his feelings for you."

"I know that he is, but we're only good friends. He'd like more, but I pretend that I'm unaware of it. The truth is that I've never been drawn to anyone at all before you, man or woman. Not like this, at any rate. When I was in prison, I thought about Kitty and I think that she wanted me to make advances to her, but I never did." A shrug and a small smile. "I didn't have any idea how to do so. If she had made the first move I'm not sure if I'd have jumped in with both feet or run screaming."

"I suspect that you'd have done just fine, love. You've caught on quickly enough with me, at any rate." They both laughed quietly at the truth and understatement of the comment, Horatio stroking his hands along Edward's back.

"I don't know, perhaps…I did think about kissing her quite a lot while we were walking on the cliffs, I must confess." He paused to kiss his love several times." The men all assumed that was what we were doing anyway. There were some comments that I'm sure I was meant to overhear to that effect. And Kit Edrington thought that I'd slept with a girl in Muzillac one night there. I'm sure that she wanted to." A moment of thought and a sigh, "Perhaps I should have after all."

Edward rolled off of Horatio onto his side, his head sharing the same pillow as the younger man.

"Would you like to make love with a woman?"

"I suppose that at some point I would like to, yes. I am curious, certainly. What we…do together is wonderful, of course, but we're actually made to…mate with the opposite sex, it's what our bodies were designed for. I do sometimes wonder what the differences would be, what it would feel like."

Edward looked at him carefully. "Horatio, have you any regrets, any reservations at all about our being together? Truthfully now."

He hesitated before he quietly answered. "I've always thought that I'd have children. I think that I would have liked that. Of course, then I'd probably have to marry a woman."

Edward ignored the small attempt at humor. "I had no idea you wanted a family."

Another small shrug. "It's alright, really it is, Edward. Even if I had married and had children, it's unlikely that I'd actually spend much time with them. We're always at sea. And I have you, that counts for much, you know."

"There's something else, love. What troubles you?"

"…I do so wish that we could be together openly, without all of this secrecy and deception that we surround ourselves with. I know we must, but it becomes so tiresome and frustrating after a while."

Edward moved to sit up against the headboard and leaned over to the small bedside table. Asking, as he poured himself a glass, "Would you like more wine?"

"No, I've had more than my share, love. I've upset you, haven't I? I didn't mean to. You did ask me, Edward. You must know that I'm here because I want you more than anyone I've ever known. I'm with you because I want to be here." He curled into Edward's body, lying on his side and with his head snugged against the older mans chest, an arm across his waist and belly. Holding tightly to his lover, he kissed the ribs and breast that he could reach, caressing his stomach. Edward carelessly laid an arm around his shoulders and sipped his wine. "Edward, please, I truly didn't mean to upset you. There is nowhere I'd rather be than here with you as we are at this moment."

Edward nodded. "Yes, I know that, love, but I fear the time will come when you will wish to move on." Ignoring the protest that Horatio began, he continued, "You will, it's bound to be. I'll keep growing older, we'll be separated to different ships, and your career is one that will be written about, Horatio. I'm certain of that. You're destined to be one of the truly great ones."

"Edward…that's not…"

"Yes, it is true, whether you wish to believe me at this point or not. You will outstrip me, love, and in not too many years. You may mark my words on that."

Horatio sat up and faced Edward, holding his free hand.

"I really do wish that you would stop talking like that, Edward. You know that it makes me uncomfortable. Besides which, it makes me wonder if you're trying to prepare me for your leaving me or my being transferred or some such. I hate thinking about all of that."

"I won't leave you, love. That simply won't happen as well you know, but the truth is that you will be transferred to another ship, and in not all that long a time from now. Like it or not, that's the next step in your career. You're as aware of that as I am."

"We could stay together…no listen to me…I've been giving it thought."

"Horatio, there is no way to work this out, you've known this. We can write and see each other on leave, but we will be separated at some point."

"You'll be promoted to Commodore soon. You know that you will. You're almost at the top of the promotion list now. Lots of senior officers keep their staffs intact for years and years. You know that to be true."

Horatio looked at him, grasping at straws. Edward replaced his glass on the table.

"Yes, that's true, it's common enough. Is that what you really want, love? To be my loyal staff aide? My Sweeting, you are the finest young officer I've ever encountered and the most ambitious. You need your own ship, your own command. And the Navy needs your talents put to use, not following me back and forth."

"But Edward…"

"No, love, enough of this. We both know that this will happen sooner or later."

Silently Horatio nodded and got out of bed to put two more logs on the fire. Edward watched him as he knelt by the hearth. He knew as well as Edward that it was inevitable that they be parted. He remained profiled by the blaze. Almost inaudibly he said, "It's just that I love you so very much. When I can't see you for several days my arms ache to hold you. How will I bear it when we're parted for months at a time?"

Edward rose and walked over to where Horatio looked into the fire. "Despite everything, he's still so very young," he thought, and looking at him as he was before the fire with the light playing over his skin and his hair loose about him, he was so very beautiful. Taking his hand he pulled him to his feet and wrapped his arms around the young man who had become such a large part of his life. "You will bear it, just as I will. We will write each other and see each other when we can. We will miss each other desperately and we will dream about each other often. And we will be together whenever and as often as we are able."

"Have any orders come through yet?"

"For transfer? No, not yet. But they will, certainly within a year. You've made a name for yourself, love. There are those who ask for you when you're ready to move on. I'll do my best for you, you know that."

Horatio nodded. "Yes, I know." He looked at Edward with a small smile. "Forgive me for bringing this up tonight. I just dread it so, our being apart...I so fear that you'll find another."

"Oh, love…never. Never. I've told you that so many times, it pains me that you still doubt me on this. There are none like you. I have waited my life for you, I'll not let you away now." Tightening his arms around his lover, Edward pulled them together into a long and gentle kiss then relaxing his arms, he took Horatio's hand and led him back to their bed. They settled together once again, reaching for each other.

Wishing to lighten the mood, Horatio asked, "Have I told you yet how much I enjoy feeling us pressed together when we're both…soft?" A shy smile. "It feels so close, but it's not really sex."

Edward smiled back, "You mean more like just being friends?"

Soft laughter, "Why, yes, exactly. It's just very…friendly."

"Of course, the problem is that it never seems to quite remain just…friendly."

"I haven't noticed it as being all that much of a problem, Edward."

"Nor have I."

And it wasn't.

4/17/02

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