Over

"Edward…please just tell me why."

Sir Edward Pellew looked over at the man who had been his lover for the last three years. The expression on his stern face was one of pity tinged with annoyance.

"Because I've tired of you. It's as simple as that."

There was no single sentence he could have spoken guaranteed to have hurt Horatio more. They were standing in the drawing room of Edward's Portsmouth home. The fire was burning and the room was a warm contrast to the winter storm blowing outside. To Horatio Hornblower it seemed like the air had been sucked out of the room and out of his lungs. He had gone numb at the words that he'd been listening to for the last few minutes.

Edward had just returned from the Port Admiral, having been summoned while they ate dinner. It was now after 11 PM. He had refused to tell Hornblower what the meeting was about, saying only that he really couldn't discuss the subject matter with anyone. As Pellew was a senior captain, such a thing was not uncommon. Horatio was still just a Lieutenant; there was much that he was not privy to. They were officers in His Majesty's Navy during wartime. Secrecy was part of their stock in trade.

"Have I displeased you somehow? Have I hurt you? Tell me what I've done. Edward, please...This evening everything was fine until you returned from the Admiral's. Did something happen there?…Edward?"

"No. There's nothing. This has been coming for some time now, surely you must have known. Oh, for the love of God, you're not going to play the despoiled virgin now, are you? Please spare me that much. Three years is a good run for this sort of thing…look, I'm sorry that you seem to have been taken by surprise… the weather has worsened. I don't intend to throw you out into the gutter. Stay the night and then the morning is soon enough."

With those dismissive words, Edward turned to the sideboard. Pouring himself a glass of brandy he looked over to where Horatio still stood, stunned and staring at him.

"That's it, then? Last night and this morning, we made love. You said over and over that you loved me."

"Yes, well I'm sorry about that. It was of the moment. You understand…"

There was no softening of his stance or expression. Horatio knew Edward well enough to know that there would be none. To argue or plead would be pointless. His mind was made up; there would be no changing it.

"One more thing. While I was with the Admiral this evening, I learned that Renown is due back into Portsmouth within the next two weeks or so. They have need of another Lieutenant. You have been accepted as the replacement officer. You can expect your transfer orders to come through in a day or two. I trust that will be satisfactory to you."

Tonelessly Horatio said, "Yes, fine." Seeming at a loss as what to do next he looked around the room, coming to a decision. "I'll go as soon as the storm clears, then.." Finally looking at Edward's back he said, "Goodnight, sir." turned and left the room, closing the door quietly behind him.

He stood in the hallway for a few moments, composing himself, still numbed by what had happened. He found himself at the top of the stairs in front of their…Edward's…bedroom, not remembering walking up the stairs. He knew that the other rooms were not made up and would be cold without any fires going in them. God! He couldn't go in there. Edward would be up soon; he couldn't share a bed with him after what had just happened downstairs. A part of his mind screamed that it would be their last night together. Take it! Just go in and get into the damn bed and hang the consequences. Fine! He would.

He opened the door. The candles had been lit, as had the fire. The bed was turned down and hot water had been placed, as always, for their use. The warming pans were in the bed as they were on any cold night. There was a bottle of port and two glasses by the bed, next to the vial of oil they used in their lovemaking. It had been used just that morning.

Extinguishing the candles, he undressed and got into the large bed by the light of the fire.

Three years. For three years he had revolved a large part of his life around Edward. They had slept together, sailed together, fought the French and the Spanish together. They had, rarely, fought each other. They had eaten meals and walked the streets of foreign ports and they had always come back to the comfort and safety of each other's arms. They shared friends and ambitions and hopes and their dreams. They had been inseparable. They had, simply, loved each other.

Or so Horatio had thought. He had loved Edward, he was sure of that. He still did.

How could this have happened? How could he have been so wrong about Edward's feelings toward him? Had he been so lonely that he would believe the first person to say things he had wanted to hear?

Perhaps what Edward said was the truth. Perhaps three years was as long as he could have hoped for their being together. Had all the times Edward had told him of his love just been "of the moment"? Had he meant the things he had said or were they just pretty words to a naïve boy he desired in his bed? Perhaps, maybe. But they had seemed so real, and the nights they had lain together had been so warm and loving. It wasn't possible that Edward had felt nothing for him. He would have known. God…just that morning they had made love joyously, sharing their bodies and giving each other pleasure, each making sure the other was satisfied.

The entire day had been normal. They had been happy, talking together about the plans they had made to spend Christmas together. What had happened?

Something had happened at the Admiral's. That was the only answer which made any sense. That was when everything had changed. What could have passed there to make Edward react so?

Oh, God.

He heard the door open. Edward.

Without saying a word the Captain removed his clothing, briefly washed and climbed into the bed next to Horatio. The younger man felt his lover lying rigidly beside him without touching. He was nude, as was his custom, and it was obvious that he was no closer to sleep than Horatio was. Finally the older man spoke, coldly.

"I'm sorry that you're hurt by this, but it is for the best. You'll understand that at some point."

"Explain it to me now."

There was no response. Hesitantly, Horatio reached his hand over to touch Edwards face and was startled to feel tears on his cheeks. With that contact Edward's façade seemed to crack apart and he breathed in a great gasping sob, shaking the bed with the convulsive wracking of his body. Horatio's arms went around the man he had loved for over three years. He held on tightly, occasionally stroking his back and sides, his arms and his head while the sobs continued. The sounds, which came from Edward, were unintelligible. There were no words, just great spasms of pain. Horatio caressed and soothed, kissing the brow and the eyes. Using his tongue to lick the tears which streamed, unabated. Finally, after a long while, the crying stopped and all that was left was the death grip in which they held each other.

Their grasp finally softened and as he pulled back slightly, Horatio could see Edward's face in the flickering light from the fire. He saw agony there and anguish and great sorrow.

He kissed Edwards lips over and over, gently, as one would kiss a child with a scraped knee to make it better. Over and over again, all the while carefully stroking his back, his cheeks, his neck and his sides. Always kissing, nuzzling the face and the throat he held in his arms and in his hands. He felt Edward harden against his belly, although he himself remained soft. Amidst the tender kissing ("The last time", he thought), Horatio silently started to weep, mouthing Edward's cheeks and throat, his hands continuing to stroke the body he held in his arms, the tears fell unheeded. Finally when he could control himself no longer he whispered, "You're not tired of me. The Admiral said something this evening. Don't lie, tell me the real reason. Oh God, just tell me why."

"I can't."

Then "I wanted to grow old with you."

The sad response, also whispered "I know".

Then, "Please, let me." Edward asked.

Horatio continued to kiss him gently in response as he felt himself pressed onto his back and felt the beloved weight come full upon his body. He no longer tried to stifle his silent sobs as he felt Edward carefully press inside of him; all the while their mouths were joined in tender kisses, caressing each other's mouths, never leaving each other, holding each other fiercely, as if trying to imprint their bodies on each other. Even when Edward came, it was gentle, almost an afterthought. He stayed where he was, inside Horatio, gripped by his lover's legs and arms until they fell asleep.

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When Edward woke the next morning he, out of habit, reached to the other side of the bed. It was empty and had gone cold and he realized that he was alone. He rose, put on his robe and rang for his housekeeper. When she appeared, he asked where the Lieutenant was and was informed that he had risen and left early. She added that he had asked for his things, all of his things, to be packed up for him and that he would send the address where they could be transferred soon.

"Is that correct, sir?"

"Yes, it is. I require nothing further, thank you."

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Lt. Horatio Hornblower duly reported aboard HMS Renown a fortnight later. He would be the Third Lieutenant under Captain James Sawyer. He was glad to see that his division had been transferred with him. Edward's hand was in that.

Two months later he received letters in the dispatch pouch. Most of them were from his father, a few were from Archie, and there was one from Kitty. One was from Captain Sir Edward Pellew. When he opened it he saw another note in a different hand, was enclosed. He read the Captain's letter first.

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Lt. Hornblower, HMS Indefatigable At Sea

The last time I had the pleasure of your company I fear that we parted under somewhat strained circumstances. This I deeply regret. At that time I was unable to fully explain the reasons for my actions. It is my hope that after reading the enclosed, you will understand what I was unable to clarify at that time. The enclosed note was made known to me the evening we dined together. You will recall that I was called away to speak with the Admiral. He had reason to feel that the message I was shown must be taken with utmost seriousness and was offered no recourse but the resolution I discussed with you later that night.

I would suggest that the enclosed be destroyed after you have read it.

Yr. Obedient Servant,

Captain Sir Edward Pellew

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The enclosed note was addressed to Their Lords of the Admiralty, in an unfamiliar and untutored hand. It read:

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"My Lords,

I have been aware for some time now that two of your officers are engaged in unclean and unwholesome acts. Captain Pellew and Lt. Hornblower are sodomites together. If this is allowed to continue, I will be forced to see that this disgusting fact is widely made known. I will see them both punished before man and God.

I will not continue to allow them to flaunt the laws of the land and the regulations of His Majesty's Navy where there are young lads being put into jeopardy for their immortal souls."

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Horatio touched the edge of the smaller note to the candle's flame and watched as it was consumed.

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