The Cottage

* 3*

Horatio walked over to where Edward was sitting in the backyard near the cliff. He had a book with him, but wasn't reading. He was looking out to sea. He spoke as Horatio approached, without turning around.

"I've been watching that sloop out there. See it? The one with the red sides. She's trying to tack and either her Captain is a fool or they have no idea where they are. They'll be headed for those rocks if they aren't careful."

Horatio watched for a minute. "That's just like when the Spanish ship piled on the rocks at El Ferro. The only difference is that this one still has her topsail and the Indy isn't chasing her. There. See? She's making the turn now. She'll be alright."

Edward looked up at him, taking his hand. "And will we be alright? No piling on rocks?"

Horatio smiled down at him. "No, we'll avoid the rocks from here on. You'll see."

"All of them?"

"No, probably not, just the big ones. And the small ones won't cause enough damage to sink us." Edward gave a small smile. "Is this what you had in mind when you wanted me to come here with you?"

Horatio sat on the old tree stump used as a table next to the chair. "I'm not sure what I expected, really. I just knew that we couldn't settle anything surrounded by servants and commitments and social obligations. We needed to be alone."

"We almost never are, you know. The problems that we solve here may reappear when we're with other people again."

"In that case we'll not have solved anything."

Edward looked at him carefully but kept whatever thoughts he had to himself. Horatio reached over and took his hand in both of his own, caressing and occasionally leaning over to kiss Edwards's fingers. They sat like this is for several minutes. Horatio enjoying the beauty of the scene, Edward with more on his mind.

"Why did you do it, Horatio?" The question was asked with such sadness. "And why did you need to tell me about it when there was nothing to be done?"

Horatio looked at him, not understanding.

"Chadd's friend. Why did you go with him?"

He dropped his eyes, ashamed and embarrassed at what he'd done. Kissing Edward's hand again he said, " I…Edward, I wish that…" Unable to finish he merely shook his head. He didn't know.

"What did you do with him? Did you kiss him?" The young man nodded, not meeting his eyes.

"Did you---touch him?"

"Yes."

"Did he touch you?"

"Yes."

Edward could see the eyes that wouldn't meet his filling with tears.

Angrier now, but still in a controlled voice he asked, "Did he use his mouth on you?"

A nod.

More steel in his quiet voice. "Did you use your mouth on him?"

"Edward…"

"Did you?"

"What does it matter what we did?"

"It matters to me. Did you? Did he come in your throat? Did you swallow it? Did he?"

Horatio dropped Edward's hand. "Why are you doing this? What do you hope to accomplish with this? Another argument?"

"I'm merely seeking information, Horatio. I'm trying to get a picture of what transpired."

"I went with a stranger at a party. It was over in ten minutes. I don't even know his first name. I'll never see him again."

"Yes, I understand that part of it. What I don't understand is why you did it."

He stared out to sea for several long minutes, his confusion and self-incrimination playing across his face. The confusion in his mind obvious. Finally he began speaking in a low voice.

"I don't know why I did that. I've tried for days now to understand. I knew that it was wrong and that you'd be hurt by it. Maybe that's why. I'd felt that you were tiring of me and that, perhaps you were preparing to end it with us. I think that I wanted to get your attention and make you see that I didn't need you, that I could get someone else. I…

I know that some of the others who suspect us refer to me as Captain's Boy when they know I can hear.

"I think that I needed to know that I …could interest someone else."

"In a back alley." Edward stood and turned to return to the cottage, as he started Horatio rose to block him. Standing before him, his hand came up to his arm, holding the older man.

"Please, Edward, don't just walk off like this. Please, we must finish…"

"Is that what you want? To finish? To finish us?"

"No! You know that's not what I meant. Just finish what we were saying. Please."

"It appears that I was right the other night when I suggested that you had other interests at the party than merely socializing. Why didn't you admit it then?"

"…Because I was ashamed at what I'd done. I still am."

Edward stood still, looking at the young man. "For three years now I've thought that I'd found the person who was the other half of my soul, the one man in the world who made me feel complete. I thought that you felt the same way about me. Evidentially, I was mistaken."

Horatio's color was heightened and he seemed close to becoming distraught. "Edward, please…please, don't leave. We can solve this. If we both want to, we can. Please. I so desperately want us to stay together."

"I'm tired of talking about this right now. We can talk more later, Horatio."

"You said it yourself the other night…we rowed and we will get over it. We will, Edward. I love you, you know that I do."

He turned and walked back to the cottage, leaving Horatio staring after him as he went.

Horatio walked the cliff, pacing back and forth. Turning one idea after another over and over in his mind. He had made a mistake. Yes, of course he had. He was wrong and he had been stupid, but damnit, he was so Goddamn sorry and Edward should know that. Of course he was hurt, but he had also blackened his eye for him and accused him of all kinds of things that he hadn't done at all.

Edward knew that he loved him. He knew it. He'd loved him for years now. There wasn't anything that he wouldn't do for Edward, nothing. He knew that. He knew everything. And it wasn't as though he was so damn easy to live with, with his moods and his tempers and his better than everyone, holier than thou attitude. Sir Edward had no idea how difficult it had been for him on the ship…everyone suspecting, looking at him every minute, calling him "Captain's Boy" when the knew that he'd hear. Blaming his promotions and commendations on his performance in bed. No one could say anything to the Captain, but he was fair game for anyone caring to take a shot. Even Archie wasn't above a snide comment now and then. And the looks he's endured from Bracey and… and all of them.

And the whole part about money. God, he hated that. Of course Edward was a wealthy man and it didn't matter to him what things cost. He always paid for Horatio whenever he wanted to do something or go somewhere that beyond his purse, but it never seemed to occur to him that it was uncomfortable for him to always be the one without. That he knew he couldn't possibly have begun to afford the things that Edward took for granted. The man owned three homes, for God's sake! London and the house in Portsmouth and this cottage. He couldn't have bought the table they ate dinner on, let alone the building that housed it. How the Hell was that supposed to make him feel?

And whenever they were out, he was always the Aide, the young officer dancing attendance, the student, the novice, seen and never heard.

Once, just once he'd like to be introduced as what he was. "Good Evening, Madam, May I introduce my lover…."

All right, fine, he'd agreed to the restrictions they had to live with, but it was so hard sometimes. Edward didn't know how hard it was.

It started to get dark and cold. His anger temporarily spent, hungry and cold, he turned and returned to the Cottage.

He walked in the front door to find that Edward had started the fire and lit candles. There was a cold chicken on the table and a loaf of fresh bread supplied by the caretaker's wife. She had even thought of ale to wash it all down with.

It was warm and homey, cozy in the small house. He thought how perfect it had always been for the two of them to be alone in. If only they weren't fighting. If they could just work all of their problems out and simply be happy together. God, he wished that with all his heart.

As he was standing there, Edward walked in from the bedroom. Horatio looked at him half hopeful and half fearful as to what reaction he'd receive this time.

"You must be hungry. Join me."

"Yes, thank you, I am, actually." He sat at the table, Edward across from him.

Horatio just sat for a moment then quietly began speaking.

"I wish I knew what I could say to make you not be angry with me anymore, but I don't. I'm so sorry. I'm so desperately sorry. I wish that it hadn't happened. I wish that with all my heart, but it did. I can't take it back and you have to decide if you're able to forgive me or not."

"Horatio…

"If you can't forgive what I did, then there's no hope for us. I think that we both know that."

"Yes, you're right… I do love you. You know that, don't you?"

"Still?"

"If I didn't, we wouldn't still be here. Yes, I still love you and I want us to be together. I can't bear the thought of you not being in my life."

"Nor can I."

Edward nodded in acknowledgement of their mutual need for each other.

"Can you forgive my hitting you?"

"I already have. I won't forget it, but I can forgive it."

"I can't bear this nonstop arguing and being at loggerheads."

"Nor can I."

They began to eat. It had been a long and stressful few days and they had both missed meals. The conversation continued as they ate.

"After you went in I began to think about all the things which I don't like about our being together. The things which aren't they way I'd like them to be. The things that irritate me. Times when we just rub each other raw."

Edward raised an eyebrow. "Is the list so long?"

A half smile. "Sometimes it seems like it's endless." He took a swallow of ale. "But then I think of what my life would be like without you in it. God, it would be so empty."

"I do the same thing. Last night after we made love I was watching you sleep. You looked so peaceful, so content. I watched you and thought of how empty my bed and my life would be if I didn't have you to share it with."

"We have problems. They're serious ones."

"At the moment they seem to be, but I think that they really aren't so large as they appear."

Horatio stared at him in disbelief. "How can you say that? For God's sake, I was unfaithful to you and then lied about it, you struck me, we've been rowing for days now…are you saying that it could be worse?"

"We could have both simply walked out, or I could have refused to come here with you. You could have learned that other officer's name, or someone else's and be with them now. Yes, it could be worse."

He stopped speaking for a few minutes while he ate some of his meal. Then he continued.

"Something occurred to me when I was outside, after you'd left. I started to wonder why it is that we're together."

"How so?" Edward asked.

"Well, we both say that we love each other, but I started to think on why that is true. I mean, I began thinking on the odds about us. We're both in the Navy, we're both officer's. We were assigned to the same ship. We're both, lets' be honest here, smarter than most of the others, we're both more ambitious than most. I suspect that we both have more basic ability in strategy than the average officer. We both seem able to command loyalty from our men. We're both single minded when we find something that we want. We're both sodomites."

Edward looked at him steadily through all of this.

"So, when you think about it, it was almost inevitable that we ended up together. There simply aren't that many men who would fill our mutual needs. At least not in the limited pool of a single ship like the Indy."

"Are you saying that this was somehow preordained, Horatio?"

"No, I don't believe in that sort of thing." He straightened in his chair and took another swallow of ale. "What I'm saying is that, given the parameters that I've outlined, it was almost unavoidable that we would find each other and be attracted to each other."

"A mathematical certainly, eh"

"Perhaps not a certainty, but the odds were pretty short."

"Have you considered the variables of infidelity and physical violence, factored in the rates of boredom and lust?"

"I haven't work out all the possible results yet, no. That's why we're here."

"And if we had a larger pool to draw from, the entire fleet, for example, we might well have ended up with others?"

"Yes, perhaps."

"If I ever entertained any questions about your powers of logic and deduction, I abandon them now."

Horatio laughed.

"God, it sounds good to hear that from you." Edward was smiling. Horatio leaned over and kissed him.

"And to see you smile."

Horatio took his hand, gently rubbing the shin on the back of it. "Can you forgive what I did?"

"Yes. Once. Can you forgive me?"

"Yes, once." Edward nodded. It wouldn't happen again. Neither of them would make these same mistakes another time. Other mistakes? Absolutely, and they both knew that now.

"You seem older than when we first arrived here."

"God knows that I feel older. It had to happen sooner or later."

"Are we finished arguing?"

"Yes, for now at least, I should think. Thank God."

Edward rose, his hand still in Horatio's, pulling the younger man along with him slightly. "Come to bed with me?"

"Yes, in a bit, I'd like to. Not quite yet." He sat on the couch in front of the fire, looking at the flames, now died down and in some spots merely red-hot embers. Edward moved to put another log on the fire.

"We're like that, Edward. We're like that fire. When you put the new logs on the flames jump and the wood cracks and screams. After a while it all falls back to a warm glow…no, a hot glow that warms through. But it's a simple thing to make the flames leap up again."

Joining him on the couch and wrapping his arms around Horatio, Edward asked, "And are we to be consumed by the flames?"

Horatio smiled as they played the game he had started. "A funeral pyre? Well. Perhaps, I don't know. I think that I prefer to think of it as that the burning is always there when we need it, keeps us warm and drives away the beasts that would harm us."

"Will it go out?"

Horatio grew serious and shook his head. "No. I won't allow it to."

"Nor will I."

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