The Cottage

* 1*

Note: these events take place two days after the events in "Older Man".

Horatio was sitting on one of the chairs that were placed to take advantage of the spectacular view out the back yard of the fisherman's cottage, oblivious to the glorious seascape in front of him. There was a book on his lap, but he hadn't looked at the open pages in at least half an hour.

They, he and Edward, had arrived at the cottage the day before after having a terrible row at Edward's home in Portsmouth. It was their first real argument. Edward had actually been drunk, for God's sake! It had gone in circles with Edward accusing Horatio of flirting with another officer at the Admiral's party. He had, in fact, done nothing wrong and while trying to defend himself and calm Edward somehow the whole thing has escalated out of hand. Finally Edward had actually struck his face. His eye still hurt from the blow, the bruising becoming more colorful by the day.

He had been drunk, for God's sake! Horatio had never, in three years, seen Edward drunk. After what had happened, he was having some trouble even being polite, his anger was barely under control and seemed to be growing by the day.

He looked up as he heard the scrape of a footstep beside him. "I've brought you a glass of lemonade."

"Thank you." A pause. " Would you sit with me?"

Edward nodded and lowered himself into the other chair. He had been contrite since understanding what he had done and said the night of the party. His every action had become a plea for forgiveness, every time he looked at the black eye he seemed to reproach himself yet again.

He also refused to talk about anything of substance. The trip from Portsmouth to the cottage had been passed mostly in polite silence. Now they had settled into a pattern of speaking only in small talk…like now. "It's beautiful here. I always feel better when I'm looking out over that cliff." He turned his head to look at Horatio. "What's that you're reading?"

"Robert Herrick. My father sent it to me for my birthday."

"What would you like to do for dinner? We could have the housekeeper make up something or walk over to the local tavern if you prefer."

"It doesn't matter to me, Edward, whichever one is fine."

They lapsed into another silence that stretched on for several minutes. Finally Horatio turned to look Edward full in the face for a minute and said, "I can't bear this another day. Either we begin to talk normally or we simply stop altogether. At least when you were swearing at me you were saying what you really thought."

"I'm afraid to even touch you. Last night when I tried to touch your face you flinched away from me."

"I didn't receive this eye from walking into a door."

Edward expression was one of deepest hurt. "You know that I regret that with all my heart. I would never harm you. You know that. Stop using that to anger me. I've apologized to you any number of times, as you're well aware. If we can't get past that we might as well give up now."

"Fine." Horatio seemed to come to some sort of a decision. "How much of the Admiral's party, and after at the house do you actually remember?"

With a sigh Edward settled back into his chair, his eyes closed. "I recall you talking to that officer from Petal, I saw you surrounded by several other Lieutenants-all of them dancing attendance on your every word. I was angry and left."

"So you went home and proceeded to get drunk, while you waited for me. And you sat there and imagined that I was out having my way with all the officers of the fleet, no doubt."

"Horatio…." The angry silence descended on them again. In a sudden move Edward pushed himself to his feet. "I'm tired of just sitting here. Walk with me." Without a word, Horatio stood and followed where he was starting to the cliff path that led to the beach.

They made their way down the steep trail carefully. As they reached the bottom and started across the soft sand to the hard pack where it was easier to walk Horatio made the quiet comment, "It used to be that we couldn't walk here without taking each others hand." Edward looked at him, took his fingers in his own, raised them to his mouth and gently kissed them. "If nothing else, I do love you."

To this Horatio said nothing, his jaw working as he let his fingers touch Edward's cheek for a few seconds before pulling his hand back. "And I love you, but right now that doesn't seem to be the point, does it?"

"Perhaps not, but it should be."

"So why isn't it?" Then, the anger started to come out. "How do you dare to insist that I will leave you? How can you presume the arrogance of knowing my heart?"

"Horatio, I don't…"

"You do." It all came spewing, a torrent. "You've never treated me as your equal. I've always been your protégé, your student. The junior officer without sixpence to rub together you've so kindly taken under your wing, bestowing your wisdom and bounty on like papal blessings. On the quarterdeck, at parties. Teaching me how to behave, where to order my uniforms, how to curry favor of the ones who have power, which damn fork to use. And let's not forget your preferences in bed; God knows you've spent enough time on those lessons. My father was right. I am just the Captain's Boy."

The vehemence and hurt with which he had spit out the words were painful to hear.

"And now I'm to be traded for someone younger and prettier. What's to be done with me, Edward? A convenient transfer to some other ship? A step up to a 74 to keep me quiet? A poor performance rating on my record if I don't agree to go quietly? Is that how it's done?"

The tirade over for the moment, Horatio was shaking with fury and pain, his breath coming hard. Then another bitter thought. "You say that you love me. I'm just something for your vanity."

He turned, watching a gull fly over the surf for a few seconds, shook his head to himself at whatever thoughts were still going through his mind, his color heightened, his eyes holding unshed tears of rage and hurt. He turned his face back to Edward, his anger spent. Quietly he finally said, "I want it be like it was. I want none of this to have happened. I want us to be like we were."

Edward out his hand around Horatio's neck, his thumb gently stroking along his jaw. "So do I." He pulled the young man into his arms, holding him, feeling the long arms curl around his back and hold him in return. But it wasn't as it had been even just last week. There was stiffness, an uncertainty about their embrace, as though each were afraid that the other would break away at any moment. They used to fit so perfectly, now they embraced like strangers.

"How have your other love affairs ended, Edward?"

"I don't want this to end. Don't say that-- please."

"Did you manage to stay friends with them or did you part badly?"

"This isn't over, Horatio. Neither of us wants that. This will be all right, you'll see. It will."

Horatio dropped his arms and pulled a foot or so away. Still close, but not touching. "How can it be after what's been said?"

"We were angry and we rowed. This happens. People get over it and go on.

"And the anger will fade with the bruises? Forgotten when they can't be seen any longer? Do you believe that? Do you think that I do?"

"Do you prefer the alternative?"

His eyes on the gull again, the tears back and closer to falling, his lip visibly quavering, "No."

"Do you want to leave?"

"Is that what you want?"

"Horatio…" he paused for a moment then continued calmly and reasonably. "No, I want you to stay with me for a long time. I want us to be together for many years to come yet. But I don't want to go in circles again. I love you. I want you as my lover and I want us to stay together. And I am desperately sorry for what I falsely accused you of and that I struck you the other night. I can't put it any more plainly than that. You'll have to choose for yourself if you believe me or not."

Horatio looked at him, gauging what he had said, then sighed, nodded and started down the beach, away from the cottage. His hands were in his pockets and his head was down. Edward watched him until he has cleared the point and was out of sight.

After he had waited what he thought to be almost an hour he was unsure whether he should go after the young man or not, knowing that he was making his own decision in his own way and in his own time. It was still early afternoon, there was hours of daylight left. Finally he went back to the cottage alone to wait.

The afternoon passed as slowly as any he had ever spent. Each minute dragging, each hour seeming to last for several. Somewhere between five and six he began to worry. He tried to comfort himself with the thought that it was summer and would stay light for several more hours. At the back of his mind was the knowledge that Horatio would, if he so decided, leave without saying a word and could well be on his way to Portsmouth with the request for transfer drafted in his mind.

By seven he had convinced himself that was what had happened. He resolved that he would do what he could to see that he got a good assignment, make it clear to their Lordships that the transfer was one Captain Pellew felt the young man was ready for and deserved.

By eight he was beginning to worry that something had happened. Horatio would never leave without telling him his plans, whatever they were. He must have fallen on the slippery rocks, hurt himself. Perhaps thugs had accosted him, harmed him. He could be lying injured at this moment.

By nine, with the sky going dark he was frantic and ready to climb down the cliff with just the light from a torch to look for himself. He had just gathered the lantern and was about to light it when he heard the door open. Horatio.

He stood in the entryway. His head came up and he looked at Edward. He spoke calmly.

"I love you and I want us to be together. But understand that if you ever strike me again, I'll leave and that will be the end of it."

Edward simply nodded then crossed over to where he stood and wrapped his arms about the taller man. Horatio's arms came about him in a fierce clench, his head on his shoulder, his mouth on Edward's neck. Without warning the young man's composure broke and Horatio was sobbing. Great wracking sobs that shook his body and cries that broke Edward's heart. They stood like that for long minutes. After some time, Edward managed to move them both over to sit on the sofa, still embracing. Slowly Horatio began to calm slightly, his hold on Edward still a death grip, his body still trembling.

Finally, when he could speak, "I walked for miles down the beach, past the village and out past the jetties. I hadn't realized how far I'd gone until I looked up and saw our cove." Edward nodded. He knew the one he meant. "Remember last summer when we were there and I wanted to make love? You were afraid that one of the villagers would see us, but we waited until it got dark. It was so wonderful…magical. I think that might be my favorite memory." He smiled up at Edward. "And then I started thinking about how it would be to never feel like that again and I couldn't bear it. I wanted to be back here with you. I ran most of the way back. I wanted to feel my arms around you and have you hold me."

"When you were gone so long I was afraid that something had happened to you. I was about to go looking for you. I was so worried that you'd come to harm."

Horatio smiled slightly and shook his head. "The first night that we spent together. Remember? At your house? It was late and we had talked so long that you offered me the use of the guest room. After we started kissing I thought that it would only be for that one night, that you couldn't possibly want me for more than a few hours. I've never told you this. I was so frightened that I almost left, but then I thought that it would never happen again, that you would never want me ever again. I decided that I'd rather have one night with you than an entire lifetime without knowing you. I thought then that I'd be able to at least have something to remember about you."

"Love, I'd never do that, use a man like that. You know me better than that."

"I do now. But tonight I realized that I don't just want memories. I want you. I want to touch you and look at you, sleep with you and wake up next to you. And I know that sometimes we'll argue, but I still want you, Edward. I want us to share our lives for a long time."

"Thank God." Horatio pulled back slightly, so that they could look each other full in the face.

"But it has to be different if it's going to work for us. You have to accept me as an equal partner. I know that you're more experienced than I am and older, but I'm not a child and you're not my father. I know that on ship or out and about we have to retain our distance, but in private we must be even. I really must insist on this, Edward."

Pellew suddenly realized that what he was saying was true. They had to be, and in fact finally were becoming equals. It had to happen, Horatio was no longer the eighteen-year-old Midshipman he had first met and mentored. He was a rising young officer with a well-deserved and growing reputation earned on his own merit. He was a trusted and respected Lieutenant in His Majesty's Navy.

"Yes, you're right about that. I see you in ten years and I'm awed by what you'll be. Don't you see that? You'll pass me by in such a short time. These years I've looked after you, the time will come when you'll be looking out for me."

"Can't we just care for each other?"

The evening had begun to grow chill and Edward rose to light the fire that had been laid earlier. As it caught and the crackle and glow began to fill the small room he stood to cross back to the couch where Horatio still sat, his knees pulled up, his arms wrapped around his legs and his chin resting on his knees. His expression was serious. Pellew sat next to him, taking his hand. Horatio spoke, his eyes on the fire.

"At first all I thought about with us was sex. I know that sounds so awful, but I'd never had it before you and it was so amazing to me. I don't just mean the physical part of it, but also the closeness. To actually have someone else inside your body or to be in theirs…what an incredible thing that is. But as we were together longer and longer-the sex was still good. I mean that it still is, of course, but as we became closer as lovers, as friends, it seems to me that the sex became better, too. It's more-I don't know, personal. It means more. I don't just want to come and then fall asleep. I have to know that you're satisfied, too. And I'm more aware of you now than I was, your moods and your body. I even notice your scent when we make love; it's a muskiness that is uniquely you. And the sounds that you make, I can tell how close you are or if you're tired. I can feel your muscles relax after you've come. I know whether it's been good for you or if it's just been something you've done to please me."

He stopped speaking and looked over at Edward sitting beside him, looked at his hand being held. He lifted his eyes up to Edwards.

"I still want to grow old with you."

"So do I."

They sat like that for a while. Each wrapped in his own thoughts, watching the fire, their held hands occasionally caressing the other's fingers. Finally Edward started to speak.

"You're right, you know. I had gotten into the habit of thinking of you as younger than you are. I suppose that I simply never adjusted my thinking from when we were first lovers and you were a frightened eighteen year old. I fear that because I see you every day, I didn't really look at you. Now you're a Lieutenant, you've commanded ships; you've been in battle, faced starvation and disease. You've been wounded and have killed when necessary. You've even had to order men to assignments which have caused their deaths."

Horatio looked over at him, his face still serious.

Edward smiled a bit. "You're not new at love anymore, either. And you've done all this at twenty-one. Truly, you amaze me. You will surpass me, and soon."

Horatio shook his head and leaned back against the cushions, his face turned to Pellew's. "You still don't understand me. Wherever my career, or yours, ends up is not the issue. We must be equal. Here, when we're alone. And you must trust that I want no other than you. If you don't believe that, there's no point in attempting any of the rest. Without trust, we have nothing, Edward."

Edward looked back at him, knowing that what he said was true. "Yes, you're right, of course. I will try. I can't promise you that I'll never be jealous of your youth or beauty or even your effect on others, but I will-try."

Horatio studied his face for a long moment and then, his course set, leaned over and with the utmost tenderness, kissed his lover.

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