Older Man

The dinner at the Admiral's home had been a tedious affair and Horatio was glad to be well clear of it. He had to go, of course. It was a command performance really when an Admiral invites the officers of His Majesty's ships over for an evening. Every Naval officer who's ship happened to be at anchor at Portsmouth had been there. There was a tremendous crush of bodies and the only thing to be grateful for was that it was pleasant weather so that they had been able to spill out to the garden where the air was fresh and the noise was somewhat less.

They had spent the time in small talk and shoptalk and some gossip, which Horatio always tried to avoid as a matter of course. There had been food, but it had been eaten standing, as there were too many people to possibly seat them all.

He had been glad to be able to leave.

Now he was finally home and looked forward to a glass of port, perhaps out in the small garden, and being allowed to relax and talk over the evening with Edward.

Edward.

Captain Sir Edward Pellew.

His commanding officer, his lover and his closest friend. They were staying at his home here in Portsmouth while the Indefatigable was in port for resupply and a three-week leave. They always tried to spend their leaves together, ever since they had first declared their mutual feelings almost three years ago. When they were onboard the ship their relationship was largely that of Captain and Lieutenant. There was little time to indulge their desires to be together and alone, fewer still to be able to be lovers. Their relationship must needs remain secret, or as secret as was possible in the crowded confines of a Frigate. It was true that a few knew, but they were friends sworn to secrecy. Here on shore, in Edward's home, behind closed doors, they could be as loving and as tender as they wished. Here they could abandon the roles of rank and social class and just be themselves.

It was something that they both dreamed of and lived for.

They had not actually gone to the party together, that might have aroused suspicions about them. Edward had taken his carriage; Horatio had walked the two miles to the Admiral's home. They had returned home the same way.

Entering the house, Horatio immediately saw that a candle had been left burning for his use. He removed his hat, placing it on the hall table and walked into the study to pour himself a glass. He knew that Edward had left a good half hour before him and with the carriage would have arrived home much faster. He was sure to be waiting for him somewhere around here, though. He poured a second glass, picked them both up and went looking. The garden was the most likely spot on such a night, so he headed there. Edward loved the small, but beautifully maintained space. It was kept immaculately groomed and the gardener knew his business well. It was a small Eden.

As he opened the door leading out, he saw Edward sitting on one of the soft garden chairs. On such a night the pillows would have been left out, the servants knowing that they two men enjoyed being outside.

As he approached he wondered if Edward had fallen asleep where he was, he sat so still. Quietly moving closer he heard a quiet, "So, you're back. Enjoy yourself, did you?"

"It was alright. Did you?" He placed the two glasses on a nearby table.

"No, actually. In fact I did not."

"What was wrong? I thought that I saw you talking with some of your friends. Captain Harvey was there and Lieutenant Bracegirdle. You seemed to be having a fine time."

"You seemed to be having a Hell of a good time, yourself."

"Excuse me?"

There was an edge to his voice, almost surliness. "I was watching you and that Lieutenant from Petal. You seemed to be enjoying the conversation quite a bit. In fact, I couldn't help but notice that he was making sure you weren't going hungry, fetching you all sorts of tidbits, from the look of things."

"Edward, really. He was just an old friend of Chadd's. He asked me about his death, that's all. They were childhood friends."

"He appeared to be making new friends this evening."

'That's not funny."

"I didn't think so."

Horatio turned to put his coat on the chair. "You know you've nothing to worry about on that score, love."

Edward stood up, obviously quite angry, pulling Horatio around to face him. "Don't you dare patronize me you half grown pup. I've been playing this game since before George lost us the sodding colonies. I taught you how to play it, damn you." At this, Edward stumbled slightly.

Horatio thought "My God, he's drunk." But what he said was, "You can't really be that concerned about an innocent conversation at a boring party, are you?"

Edward picked up the glass of port from the side table and downed it in one swallow.

"It's just a matter of time."

"What's a matter of time?"

Edward looked at him sadly and said, as he walked back into the house "Before you leave."

Horatio had sensed that something was brewing between then for the last few months, but hadn't known what and had hesitated to ask. Perhaps this was it.

He followed Edward into the study where he was pouring himself another glass. Taking the bottle away from him and gently guiding him to one of the chairs before the fireplace, the younger man asked, "Why would you think that, Edward? You know that I want no one but you, you've known that for three years now."

Looking at him appraisingly, Edward said. "You were twenty-one last month, isn't that so? Do you know how old I am, Horatio? Do you? I'm forty-six. Twenty-five years older than you are. I was a lieutenant before you were born."

"Our ages have nothing to do with my feelings for you."

"No? What about the day when I look like an old man? When you have to help me up the damn stairs? Will you feel the same the night I can't make love to you, can't satisfy you in bed? We know that you enjoy your pleasures in that particular venue, don't we? When people assume that you stay with me for the career advantages, the contacts?"

Horatio's eyes had narrowed in the beginnings of real anger at this last speech. "People assume that now, it's never bothered you before this"

With no warning the back of Edward's hand flew across Horatio's cheek, hard. The sound of the blow was loud in the quiet room. Horatio stared at Edward in disbelief. In all their time together they had never struck each other. They hadn't always agreed about everything, but they had never come close to blows.

Edward was immediately horrified. "Oh, God, forgive me. I didn't mean to do that. I'm so sorry, Horatio." His hand went back to the injured cheek and to the trickle of blood just starting out of his nose. His eye would probably blacken by morning. Immediately Pellew grabbed his handkerchief from his pocket and, leading Horatio to the chair that he had just vacated, sat him down, head tilted back and applied gentle pressure to stop the bleeding.

"Horatio, I'm….." He didn't finish, just shook his head, contrite and ashamed at what he had done.

"I won't leave you. You know that."

"I saw you at the party surrounded by those men. You were all so young and you all have your lives ahead of you. And I looked at the men I was with. They were old and tired and used up and at the end of their usefulness. We were in different worlds tonight."

"I love you, Edward and I won't leave you. You are everything to me."

Another flare of anger. "That's not true, nor should it be. You have the Navy, your career, your father, you've many friends. I'm not everything to you and we both know that."

Wiping his face with his fingers, he turned his hand to look at the blood, Horatio slowly shook his head but then tried again, "Edward, please. You're being unreasonable. You know that I love you, that I want no other. You know that I'll not leave you."

Pausing a moment and looking directly at the younger man, Edward finally said, "It's only right that you do so. I'll not burden you with the care and worry of an old man. In fact, when the time comes, I'll not only insist that you go, should you refuse, I shall be the one out the door."

Becoming exasperated, Horatio asked, "How can you say such a thing? Were our positions reversed, would you accept such a thing from me?"

Edward practically spat out the next. "I'll not argue about theoretical ideas. When I say, you will go."

Horatio sat back in the chair, his cheek still painful, the blood still oozing from his nose. "What has happened to make you talk like this?"

"I simply opened my eyes."

"To what? That I was polite to a stranger at a party? That I naturally socialized with other officers who are my equals in rank? Edward, I could no more have spent the evening with you than you would have wanted to use the time there speaking with a group of junior Lieutenants. The point is that I came home to you, as I always will."

"My hair is going gray, did you know that? My knees hurt and my back aches at the end of a long day. I can't see the damn dispatches without reading glasses."

"What am I to say to that? None of it matters to me."

"I'm quite literally old enough to be your father."

Studying Edward for a minute before he spoke again, Horatio finally asked, "Are you attempting to provoke me? Do you wish that I leave now? Is that your point?"

"I don't want to drag this out longer than it should be kept going."

Looking at Edward for a long moment, Horatio finally said, "Then you do want me to leave." Horatio seemed unable to believe what he was hearing. Making a decision, he continued, "You've had too much to drink tonight, Edward. I'm putting you to bed and we'll continue this in the morning."

His face set and his cheeks flushed with anger Pellew seemed to spit the words, "I told you not to patronize me, Goddamn you."

Staring at him, Horatio, his own anger barely in check said, "Fine. Do as you wish. I'm tired and I'm going upstairs."

"We'll finish this now, damn it all."

"You're drunk and I'm tired. I'm going to bed. You do as you wish."

He stood and walked out of the room. Not stopping until he was in the bedroom they had shared for three years now. There were several candles lit for their convenience and either the housekeeper or the maid had pulled the bedcovers back for them. The windows were opened for the cool night's breeze. Horatio, still upset by what had just happened downstairs, walked out to the widow's walk overlooking the harbor. It was attached to the dressing room adjoining the master bedroom. They used to joke that when they were finally assigned to separate ships, whichever one was home would be the widow watching for the other to return from the sea. It didn't seem funny anymore.

As he stood there in his shirtsleeves, his weight supported by his hands on the rail, his mind went over the last few minutes downstairs. In a sense, what Edward had said was true. They both knew that. He was twenty-five years Horatio's senior, they would be separated at some point. There would be a time when Edward would not be able to keep pace with him. Yes, he knew that. They both did. But that was years in the future. Edward was still a vital, vigorous man, at the peak of his profession and likely to climb even higher when his expected promotion to Commodore came through.

Beyond all of that, there could be no doubt in Edward's mind that Horatio loved him totally, that he had no interest in any other lovers. Even if all of this had come out simply because he was drunk, Horatio had always believed that things said when drunk were simply those thoughts kept locked inside when sober.

He didn't want to think about the implications if that were true.

Did Edward really fear that he was about to lose Horatio? Could that be why he been in the mood he was? Had seeing him talking at a party, surrounded by his peers and young officers really have hurt Edward so deeply? No, that couldn't be true. Edward knew that he wasn't looking for anyone else.

He was exhausted and his mind refused to function clearly. Frustrated, he resigned himself to a sleepless night, but went to the other room, exhausted, to lie down anyway.

To his surprise, when he next became aware, it was a brilliant morning, warm and sunny. His hand moved over to the space next to him, finding it empty. Turning his head he saw that the other side of the bed appeared to be unslept in. Quickly rising and slipping on his trousers and a shirt, pushing his feet to slippers, he went downstairs in search of Edward.

It was almost nine o'clock and the household was about when he made his way down the stairs, greeting various of the servants as he happened upon them but not about to ask if they knew where the Captain was---at least not yet. After checking several of the rooms, he walked out into the garden and was not all that surprised to find Edward sprawled out on one of the chairs, his feet up on the hassock, his eyes mere slits in his face, but appearing somewhat awake.

Sitting down on the chair next to him, Horatio quietly asked, "How are you feeling this morning?"

Looking daggers across the space separating them he answered, "Fine, thank you, and yourself?"

"Would you like some coffee?"

"Please."

Rising and walking to the dining room, Horatio asked Preston, the butler, to please be so good as to have a light breakfast served out in the garden, and might he also bring out a small bowl of hot water and a towel? Assured that what he asked for would arrive shortly, he made his way back outside.

"How much of last night do you remember, Edward?"

"Enough."

His mood seemed not to have improved, though whether this was the cause of last night's events or of a hangover, Horatio had no idea.

"I recall your behaving like a Southside whore for the entire fleet to see and that you had not even the least bit of regret or remorse when you managed to drag yourself back here."

Refusing to rise to the bait, Hornblower instead decided to move on to more immediate concerns. "Have you a headache this morning? I have some powders from my father which will help."

Just then the maid appeared with the requested washing supplies. Thanking her and asking her to please fetch his personal bag of medical supplies from upstairs. Moving Edward's feet off of the hassock and sitting himself there between the older mans' knees so that he might easily reach Pellew, Horatio took the towel, dampened it with the hot water and began to gently wash off the wear of the previous night. Wiping Edward's face, loosening his collar and wiping the residue of sweat that has been there for hours. He then moved on to Edward's hands and arms, releasing the cuff buttons and stroking the flesh.

All the while Pellew watched him through narrowed eyes. Not hindering his progress, but not helping either.

When the maid reappeared with the leather bag, he asked if she would be so good as to fetch him a glass of water. This done he proceeded to mix the willow bark powder into the water and had Edward drink. "That should help in a few minutes. Would you like to remove your shirt so that I might wash you?"

"No, thank you. I'm capable of performing my own toilet" Edward looked at him more closely, seemingly focusing better than he had a few minutes before. "What happened to your face?"

"You don't remember?"

"Should I?"

Horatio looked at him steadily for a moment and then calmly replied. "You hit me last night when I got home, after you accused me of whoring my way through the party and shortly before you told me that you wanted me to leave. You don't recall that?"

Edward leaned back into the chair with out a word, his eyes closed. "I'm sorry that I struck you. No, I didn't remember doing that."

"Edward." The word was merely breathed. "What is troubling you, why would you think that I'd ever leave you? Do you wish to throw me out before I leave on my own accord? "

Opening his eyes and reaching his hand to the injured face before him, Edward gently drew his fingers down the sharply angled cheekbone then back up to the bruised eye and dried blood still staining part of his upper lip. His fingertips trailed across his lips, lingering there.

"You have the most beautiful lips I've ever seen."

"You know that I love you, you know that I won't leave you. I've told you this so many times, it hurts me that you don't believe me."

"I believe that you think so."

Horatio sat up and looked at Edward with something that resembled annoyance. "What is that supposed to mean?"

A disinterested shrug. " You're young, Horatio. You think that you love me."

"And you think that I don't?"

"I think that you're still finding your way in an area that's new to you. What is the point in belaboring this?"

Horatio stared at him in disbelief. After a pause to collect his thoughts he said, " You tell me that you don't believe that I love you, after I've spent three years proving every day that you are everything to me and now you say that I'm belaboring this? Would you have me believe that you would spend three years in the bed of someone who you don't love?"

"There's no need to raise you voice. I can hear you perfectly well, you know."

"I fear that I'm hearing you all too well myself. Do you truly believe that I'm not in love with you?"

"Horatio, this is becoming tiresome."

"Answer my question, Edward."

Obviously bored with the subject and wanting quit of it, Edward sighed and said," I believe that you think that you're in love with me. I think that you're too inexperienced to really know one way or the other, to be blunt. As for my conduct last night, well, I should not have struck you and I deeply regret that. However, it was apparent at the party that you and I are simply too far apart in age and rank to be…what's the word I'm searching for here, Horatio?…partners in anything more than the most basic way. How, in the name of God do you consider that to be in any way satisfactory? Perhaps in fifteen or twenty years our careers will have become equal enough that we might be able to appear in public-in a limited way, of course.""

"And you're just deciding this now after all this time?"

"I've thought it for a while. I'm simply too old for you. Or you're too young for me, if you prefer. That was apparent last night."

"Like Hell, Edward."

"Those are facts, whether you choose to believe them or not. All of the problems, all of the differences stem from that basic reality." There was a look of disbelief from Horatio. "Fine, you're right, that combined with the fact that we both happen to be male."

With a raised eyebrow Horatio asked, "Are you now saying that if I were female or had been born twenty years earlier, all would be well with us?"

"I don't appreciate your attempts at humor right now."

"Edward. Will you please listen to what you are saying? You're suddenly worried about things that have not been a problem in the three years we've been together and happy."

Edward moved inside to the conservatory, coming to a stop by the great windows, staring down at the ships in the harbor. Quietly he said, almost to himself, "God, I just wish that I were younger. I don't even mind being old for myself. I just wish to God that we could have more time together. I wish that I were more your equal."

Horatio moved over to him, slipping his arms around his waist, pulling the older man's head to rest on his shoulder and stroking his hair, holding him closely. "That's what this has all been about? Haven't you known all these years that I was wishing I were your equal? That there have been countless times when I've been afraid to open my mouth for fear of embarrassing you, or myself when we were out?"

Edward looked at him as though speaking to a child. "Horatio, don't you realize that in a very few years you will outstrip me?"

Horatio looked at him with disbelief. "That's simply ridiculous." He said quietly and firmly. "You will be a Commodore in a matter of months. You are a national hero and a Knight, a Baronet. Even if I were to ever gain Captaincy, I'll never attain your level. Never."

Pellew just looked at him, saying nothing. The lad truly had no idea of his own worth. He would attempt another tact. "Horatio. In bed you are…"

"In bed I am enchanted by you."

He turned so that he could see Horatio. "Until I fall asleep."

Horatio exhaled and looked at him with exasperation. "This is becoming pointless. I'm going to the cottage for a few weeks. I would very much like if you could join me so that we can settle this alone. Perhaps getting away will help put everything clear."

Edward looked thoughtful but said nothing.

"Well, will you come?"

He sounded resigned as he answered, "Yes, alright."

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