Next to Last Step

Steve's POV

For Beth, beta and cheerleader who wanted to read angst.

*          *          *           *          *          *         *          *          *           *          *          *

I knew that he would be an important part of my life almost from the first time we shook hands in that introductory meeting. It was a feeling I had, intuition; I guess you'd call it.

We talked about it years later and he told me that he had felt the same thing but sometimes I wonder if he was just being tactful. I know that doesn't sound like the Brian Kinney most people knew, but-that was the man I lived with for all those years. He was so careful of my feelings, of my likes and dislikes, my wants and needs, and me.

I think I lived with the secret side of Brian, the one he kept hidden and locked away.

I take that as a compliment; the fact that he trusted me and loved me enough to share with me with the parts of him that could be so easily hurt. I did my best to not take advantage of what he gave me and I think I succeeded most of the time.

I hope that I did. I know that I wanted to.

I love him.

That sounds so simple but it's-hell, you know it's the hardest thing in the world, to love someone and have them love you back and to make it work for as long as we did.

The complications-God, there were so many times I thought that we'd never work through them. He wasn't single when we met, of course. I knew that and it wasn't like he'd tried to keep it hidden or a secret. He told me right up front that he lived with someone, that they'd been together for a couple of years and that it was serious.

I knew that, just as he knew that I'd recently broken up with my long-time partner and was still hurting from it.

You have to understand that I honestly tried to respect his relationship and I certainly had no intention of causing any problems for anyone. I mean, who needs that sort of thing, when you come down to it? There were lots of good-looking men for me to choose from. Some of them were even as successful, as talented as Brian is and a lot of them live in New York. I could have just kept looking and might even have found someone who would have filled my needs as well as Brian did.

But-and I know I sound like a lovelorn teenager-the simple fact was that Brian was the one I fell in love with. He's whom I wanted and I was astounded when I finally realized that he wanted me as well-I mean beyond a couple nights of pretty decent sex.

We both tried not to do that. We tried to just be friends and keep it at that level and we even made it work for a while but it the end I guess we both sort of shrugged and gave in.

I know that sounds weak and lame, but it's what happened.

I first became aware of him in, a vague way, through some friends at another agency here in New York. We were having dinner together and they mentioned, between the salad and the steaks, that they had just interviewed one of the young Turks from Philadelphia or Pittsburgh or Peoria or someplace and they thought he might be someone I'd be interested in talking to for that vice presidency I was looking to fill.

They had finally decided to promote in house, but this guy was smart and had a killer portfolio. Good looking and well spoken, he seemed to be the complete package and it was just a matter of time before someone hired him and gave him some real clients to run with. I think I asked them why they didn't make a position for him if he was so good and John said that Kinney-that was his name-seemed like the type who wouldn't be happy just drawing a paycheck for long. He was ambitious. He'd want to run things and one way or another he was headed for having his name on the door of the corner office. John would prefer not having to watch his back every day at work.

I commented that instead he'd have to watch his back when he pitched a campaign, but he just laughed and the steaks arrived and I forgot about Kinney until Gardner Vance called me about a merger about a year later.

In most of my initial contacts with Vance it was apparent quickly that we simply rubbed each other the wrong way. The deal was going to fall through if something wasn't done and so the next time we had to work out some of the details I found myself on the line with Gardner's partner and the difference was like day and night.

We talked smoothly, we understood one another and we could cut through the advertising crap without stepping on one another's toes. We simply connected and the merger was a foregone conclusion less than two weeks later as far as I was concerned. The only real hurdle to clear was to have Kinney come to New York, view my operation and report back to Vance with his candid opinion about my set-up and staff. That was arranged for and ten days later he was in the city.

The first time I saw him walk into the midtown restaurant where we'd agreed to meet I knew that this was going to be trouble.

Tall, dark and handsome. Yes, of course he was but it was more than just that. He carried himself with confidence and authority. He was as smart as I am and he understood the business just as well. He was my height, too, which I've always found to be attractive and I'd have been both blind and deaf not to know that he was just as intrigued as I was.

I remember thinking that it was a good thing that his assistant was along to keep our minds on the business at hand and not one another. Seeing what was going on between us, she made a point of mentioning 'Justin' every ten minutes or so-whether for Brian's benefit or mine, I've no idea. I got her drift, though. He wasn't up for grabs. I got the message and left him alone.

Nothing happened that trip, not between us at least, other than we knew that there was a good chance that we'd end up friends. I got the impression that Brian was relieved about that since he didn't know anyone in New York-not that he has trouble making connections, but I think he was glad to have someone he could put his feet up with and talk to, have a beer with and maybe catch a movie or show. You know, friends as opposed to tricks.

They're a lot harder to find, especially for a man like Brian.

He moved to New York not long after that to take the position of senior partner, grease the merger and find a place where he and Justin could live. There was some reason Justin would be delayed a couple of months, just making it in for weekends and the like but I didn't pay all that much attention. I knew he was there in the background and that he'd be here soon. It was a done deal and I didn't poach.

Brian was lonely until his boyfriend arrived, not that he'd ever admit such a thing, and we fell into the habit of dinner together after work and then maybe a drink. Over a month or more of this routine we found out quite a bit about one another and the attraction we had both felt at the first meeting simply got stronger.

We didn't act on it though and sometimes I wonder if things would have been different if we had just jumped into the sack and been done with it. Sometimes I think that the waiting, the buildup was one of the things that made it so amazing when we finally crossed that line. It was like a month or more of foreplay instead of the usual half hour Brian seemed to be used to. Maybe if I'd been more of a slut it wouldn't have happened-I mean the next twenty years wouldn't have happened. We'd have spent a night or two together, Justin would have arrived and I would have been moved into the category of 'been there, done that'. We'd have probably just gone back to being friends.

But that's not what happened now, is it?

For some reason or other Justin had to cancel a weekend visit Brian had been looking forward to about six weeks after he moved to New York. I saw he was a little down that day and so the two of us had another one of our dinners followed by a long stroll and chat up Fifth Avenue that filled in whatever gaps we'd left in out life stories. The walk ended with us in front of the Plaza where Brian was staying.

We were standing by the fountain and both of us felt that awkwardness where you have to decide if you're going to say 'good night' or if you were going to stay around for 'good morning.' He pulled me over to him, kissed me, kissed me again and the decision was made. We became lovers that night and it was pretty obvious that it wasn't going to just end up being a one-night stand.

And we knew we were in trouble.

You see the thing was that I knew that Brian loved Justin. I knew that. And so I felt like a complete shit about what had happened.

But-.

There's always a 'but', isn't there?

But if Brian and Justin were so tight, why the hell was he hanging around me? If Justin was everything Brian wanted, why was he looking for something else?

I had asked Brian about Justin weeks ago and he had told me quite a lot. I knew that Justin was still young, still a teenager and I got the impression that there was something about that which Brian had a problem with. Was it the age difference? I don't know, or I didn't then anyway.

I know Brian also felt the other inequities as well and I thing they were what mattered more than simple birth dates. There was the gaping chasm between their finances, the vastly different levels they were at professionally-Brian was a senior partner in a prestigious firm, Justin still a college student. The gap in their life experiences was enormous. They were-forgive my bluntness-from different classes, blue collar and upper middle class. Working class Catholic and country club WASP. Their family lives; loving for Justin, dysfunctional and abusive for Brian, all of those things were just so different. They were from two different worlds. Justin was a beloved rich man's son-no matter what family falling out might have happened-with that confidence behind him. Brian was a self-sufficient street fighter.

Certainly they did have things in common, but it wasn't hard to see that the differences could easily become fissures between them and I suspected that was beginning to happen, at least from Brian's point of view.

I got the distinct impression that though he was genuinely fond of Justin, maybe even loved him; Brian was getting tired of being in the role of mentor. I think he enjoyed being able to spend time with someone who was more of his equal professionally and in terms of achievement and education. I started to sense that Brian didn't want to be the one always having the strong shoulder for his boy to lean on. I think he wanted to do some occasional leaning himself. I also think he may have become tired of going to a restaurant and having his partner flash his fake ID to get a beer. He was getting tired of talking to someone who didn't, couldn't really understand his business and the significance of his successes and his failures. He needed to be with someone he didn't have to explain things to.

I became convinced, both from our weekend at the Plaza and our subsequent conversations, that Brian was ready to move on and I think Brian was starting to think that as well.

So when we saw one another at the office after that weekend I wasn't surprised when Brian looked like he hadn't slept.

That was the best weekend of my life. There's not a minute of it I regret or would change.

I fell in love that weekend and you know what? So did Brian. God, despite Justin being unspoken in the background, it was perfect.

He had some decisions to make and we both knew it. The hard part was that he honestly didn't want Justin hurt-neither did I, if you want to know the truth, but I didn't see any way to avoid it happening.

I'm getting ahead of myself, though, but that weekend? Neither of us ever forgot any single thing about it. We still talked about it twenty years on.

First Brian had to make his choice and though I was determined not to influence him, I was fairly confidant of the outcome. We were supposed to be in meetings most of that day but Brian kept getting interrupted every twenty minutes or so with calls from Justin. I caught-it wasn't too hard-that Justin had been trying to get a hold of him all weekend and was pretty upset. Brian was trying to placate him and finally I just told him to have the boy come to visit, tell him what the problem was and deal with it. It was interfering with work and-at least when I'm at the office-that wasn't acceptable.

Well, that's what happened. Justin showed up a few days later, Brian let him know that there was a possible problem and I guess the kid was pretty upset which, in turn, upset Brian.

A week later Brian was a useless basket case at work again so I offered him my place up in the mountains to get his head clear and make up his mind on his own with no interference. He agreed.

He came back with his mind made up. He would try to make it work with Justin.

It wasn't what I'd expected, but, well…fine. I could accept it if that was what he really wanted. You see, sure I wanted him, but only if he could put his Justin ghosts to rest. I'd been around enough to know that there are some hurtles that are just too high to get over in one piece.

I made arrangements to move to London and stayed there for almost eight months. I did my damnedest to stay away but you know what they say about the best-laid plans. I found myself calling him to discuss things about some account or other that I could have just sent a fax about. I started e-mailing him and would ask him how he was doing, had he and Justin settled in to life in New York? I shouldn't have done it, I know that I was being unfair, but- I was lonely and I missed him like hell and thinking about he and Justin making love every night then falling asleep to wake up to have breakfast together was killing me when I had breakfast with a cat to look forward to every day.

One night I called him. I think it was about ten in New York. I'd been to a party and had drunk too much of my host's very good wine and so I picked up the phone and told Brian exactly how I felt about him for about two hours. He could have hung up and he could have humored me and he could have told me to fuck off and leave him alone but what he did was talk to me and tell me everything I wanted to hear.

He told me that he'd missed me, too. He said that he had been thinking about me and that he knew he was being unfair to Justin and that it made him feel like crap to lie to the boy.

From that night on we'd talk to one another almost every day when he was at the office. I'd call, or he would. He'd close the door and we'd pretend that we were discussing some big account that required too much overseeing from both of us.

What we were really talking about were a lot of sweet nothings.

I showed up at the Christmas party at Brian's place and Justin walked in on us making out in the damn pantry like a couple of horny teenagers. From what Brian later told me about it there was no big scene, no drama queening, just an acknowledgement of what was.

Perhaps Justin suspected, maybe Brian had been careless somehow. I don't know, but Justin seemed to have not been all that surprised when it happened.

Brian packed his things and moved to my place the next day. Justin stayed at Brian's townhouse for a few months, going to school and adjusting to his new reality and then moved to some student apartment.

He stopped calling and mostly fell out of our lives.

I was glad to be rid of him, to be honest.

I don't mean that the way it sounded.

You have to understand a couple of things.

I love Brian as much as I ever thought I could love someone, maybe more. Brian loved me back and we were trying to establish a new relationship together. Now that's hard enough-and keep in mind that we were also working together-under the best of circumstances and this was hardly what you'd call easy. I frankly didn't want the complication of Brian's ex hanging around and I don't think that's all that unreasonable.

And that's pretty much it in a nutshell why I resented the hell out of Justin being a constant in our lives. It's not that he was hanging around the office of the duplex, no. It was that he was always there in the background of Brian's consciousness and it was getting on my nerves.

It was like a toothache or headache-something that wasn't going to kill you, but it was going to put a cloud over everything you did, the kind of thing that you couldn't get rid of, not enough to make you take drugs or actually make a major case out of it, but enough that you could feel it around you all the time.

We'd go out for a nice dinner and I knew Brian was thinking that he would never take Justin to a place like that because Justin would probably prefer pizza. We'd go to an exhibit and I'd catch Brian half expecting Justin to be in the next gallery. We'd stop into a store for something and I'd see Brian scanning the comic racks for Rage.

And then Justin would call-always at the office and often just leaving messages with Cynthia so he wouldn't directly disturb Brian or call him out of some meeting. His tuition was due next week, or did we need any mock-ups he could help with because he was short some cash. He'd forward his grades and his teachers comments so that Brian could see that he was getting his money's worth. We'd get messages on the answering machine from Brian's extended family in Pittsburgh asking how Sunshine was doing and when was Brian going to come to his senses and take the boy back, beg for his forgiveness? The day Debbie called to ask Brian something or other and I mentioned that we were leaving for Paris the next day I was treated to a rant about how that poor child had always wanted to go there and now it looked like he'd probably never make it and I'd probably been there ten times and who did I think I was to ruin everything?

No wonder Brian left Pennsylvania. I think I'd have blown my brains out if I'd had to deal with that year after year.

I also began to resent being the villain in this piece.

All I did was fall in love with someone who fell in love with me back.

That's it.

I didn't murder anyone, I didn't kick anyone's puppy, and I didn't even push the relationship. Well, hardly at all. I let Brian make his own decision and was willing to accept that I might be the loser.

It happens. People fall out of love and sometimes they move on to someone else.

Maybe it could have happened to Brian and me at some point because God knows there're no guarantees and you know what? If it had I'd have taken the position that it was good while it lasted, I loved him while it was good and I'd have wished him well-and meant it.

And yes, I'd have and bled.

Look, fine, you don't have to hit me over the head with it. You don't. I know Justin was young and Brian was his first love and that's the hard one to get over.

I know that. I was there myself once, and weren't we all? We cry and we deal with it, we cope and then we dust ourselves off and move on.

I think Justin was still stuck in the crying stage and I think Brian felt guilty enough that he enabled the boy to stay there and I further think that he wasn't doing the kid a favor.

Beyond that, if it continued I think it would have begun to come between me and Brian which is why one night over glasses of Cutty and sex I told Brian how I felt.

I'm not stupid enough to think that Brian was about to completely slam the door on the kid and in fact I'd probably be pissed at him if he did, but there was a limit and we were reaching it. I certainly was.

I told Brian how I felt, that-like the late Princess Di famously said-there were three of us in this marriage and it was a bit crowded. I told him that we needed breathing space, just the two of us and though I thought it was great Brian wanted to fulfill his commitment to helping Justin with school, well, it was time to draw a few lines here.

You want to know what surprised me? Brian agreed. He told me that he was starting to feel the same way and while he was genuinely sorry that Justin was still having a problem with it, he was going to have to deal. The tuition would continue to be paid since they'd had an agreement but this 'let's still be friends' while Justin was obviously hoping for a renewal of their love story wasn't going to happen and in the morning Brian said he'd make a call to let Justin down reasonably easy.

Fine, like I said. I didn't want to hurt the kid either, but enough was enough.

Brian decided that it would be better to break it to Justin face to face. He made the call to arrange lunch together and told him then, as kindly as he could. And Brian is capable of infinite kindness.

After that things got better between Brian and me. It was like our stalker was gone or something along those lines. It was like when you open the window and you get a big lungful of fresh air after a long winter of breathing something bottled.

We went the places we wanted when we wanted. We traveled and we stayed home as the mood struck us. My friends became Brian's, with time and some of his became mine. The agency was doing well and our sex life was incredible.

I guess I'm sounding like I'd found a source for eternal happiness and damn if it wasn't like living the way the books tell you it's supposed to be.

Sure, now and then a fly would appear, but nothing we couldn't deal with. I knew that Brian was still getting occasional updates on Justin from here and there, but he had become background, like the kids you went to high school with. They used to matter and if you were to see them somewhere you'd say hello and wish them well, but they weren't important to you anymore, not like they used to be.

Our life together has been a good one and I'm more grateful than I thought possible that I could know this sort of happiness-which is compounded by the knowledge that I make Brian happy as well.

The headaches started a couple of months ago and I know now that the cancer will kill me soon. I have a few months or so, they tell me.

Brian and I have a few months.

The sadness of this is sometimes almost overpowering and I grieve for Brian as well as for myself. We had hoped for more. We've had twenty years together and were lucky but we had hoped for twenty more.

Last night while we held each other I told Brian that I wanted him to move on. I told him to mourn but to find someone else and not be alone-after a decent interval, of course. I mean, let's be realistic here. I'm human after all. I want him to miss me at least a little. Well, maybe a lot.

I don't think he knows how to be alone anymore and I worry about him after I'm dead.

I think he may end up with Justin again even though I know that Justin is living with a doctor out west. I've heard the rumors that it's not a healthy relationship and that Justin is unhappy.

That's fine, Brian and Justin back together, I mean. In fact there's even a symmetry to it that appeals to me.

So long as Brian is happy.

That's all I care about now.

I just want him to be able to love someone again, someone he can grow old with and though I wish like Hell it could be me, Justin will do. Justin will love him and care about him and Brian will grow to care back and one day-I suppose-Justin will have to learn to deal with losing him again.

More symmetry, I suppose.

God, I love him.