The heavy steel door slid open a bit.
“Yes, may I help you?”
“I’m looking for Brian. Is he here?”
“No, I’m sorry, he’s not right now. Perhaps I could give him a message for you?”
“Do you expect him to be long?”
“No, not really. I was supposed to meet them about now. They should be along any time.”
“Them?”
“Brain and Justin.”
“And Justin would be…?”
“He and Brian live here together.”
“Yes, of course. Young, blonde?”
“Yes, he is. And you are…?”
“Joan Kinney. Brian is my son.”
“Oh my goodness, I’m Jennifer Taylor, Justin’s mother. Why don’t you come in and wait with me? Could I get you a cup of tea?” She stepped aside to allow the older woman to walk through the sliding door. The initial impression was of a handsome woman, but her bearing was reserved to the point of being cold. She noticed that Brian had her eyes. She also noticed that the woman had been drinking. Apparently there were several traits that ran in the Kinney family.
“If it’s no trouble. It’s gotten quite cold out.”
Jennifer led her to the kitchen area, filling the kettle and setting it on the stove as an awkward silence quickly descended. Evidently Brain’s mother wasn’t much for idle chat or small talk. She groped for something to say.
“You must be very proud of Brian, Mrs. Kinney. He’s so successful in his work and he’s such a handsome man.” She reached into one of the cabinets, gathering the tea things, the mugs, the sugar and the cream from the fridge.
Brian’s mother had settled on one of the bar stools on the other side of the counter. “Do you pray for your son’s soul, Mrs. Taylor?”
“Excuse me?”
“He is living in mortal sin with Brian. I pray daily for my son to renounce his debauchery.”
“I—don’t really see it quite like that.”
“There is no other way to see it. They are both condemned to Hell. I’ve begged Brian to confess and to accept that what he is doing is wrong, but he won’t listen. Of course, Brian was never one to listen to anybody.”
“I think that Brian is fairly happy with his life, from what I see of him.” Alright, that might not be completely true, but she wasn’t about to run him down to his own mother, odd though she may be.
“You defend him, Mrs. Taylor? He is a sodomite and probably also a pedophile who has seduced your own son. Surely you can’t believe that he’s not damned for that?” Joan fixed her with a look a hard as any Brian was capable of. Jennifer now knew where he learned it. “Your son is no more than a child. It must tear your heart out to know the sort of things Brian subjects him to.”
“At first I was upset, yes, before I understood them. But after spending time with them, I’ve come to see that our sons genuinely love one another and are happy together. In addition to that, Justin is over the age of consent. Legally he’s an adult. And even if he weren’t, it seems to me that they’re good for each other.”
“You can’t tell me that you’re one of those people who see what they’re doing and the way they live as somehow being normal? It breaks my heart to think about the way Brian is wantonly throwing his life away.”
The tea water had started to boil. Jennifer welcomed the momentary distraction to fill the teapot, taking a second to recoup from this woman’s anger. God, no wonder Brian never talked about his family. Taking a breath, she tried again.
“Mrs. Kinney, I know that it’s sometimes difficult to accept when your children don’t do as you’d like them to, but if you didn’t love Brian, you wouldn’t be so concerned about him now.”
“When Brian was younger I hoped that he would enter the priesthood. Did you know that he was an alter boy for a number of years?” She softened remembering the young Brian. “He looked so handsome up there in his robes, so solemn. Father Glen was so good to him and they were such good friends, but then he turned his back on the Lord. I pray daily he’ll realize the evil he’s doing, especially with a boy the age of your son, legal or not. I’ve told him that he’s going to Hell, but he won’t listen to me.” Her face was turned down to the countertop, as though to keep some privacy by shielding her face. “He just sneers at me, like his father used to. Well, I suppose that that shouldn’t surprise me. After all, despite whatever else he might be, he’s also a man.”
Jennifer poured the tea, handing one of the mugs over to Joan. “When—how did you discover that Brian is gay, if you don’t mind my asking? How old was he?”
She inhaled sharply, as though smelling something rancid. “I came here to see him, to thank him for taking me to church a few months ago. I—interrupted him and your son. They were both only partially dressed and it was obvious that they had just been…Brian admitted it to me then.”
“And you had no idea before that? Forgive me, but Brian has told me that he knew he was gay from the time he was about twelve. Surely in twenty years, you must have suspected something?”
“Evidently he talks more to you than he does to me, Mrs. Taylor.”
“I started suspecting about Justin when he was about fourteen or fifteen. He never had any interest in girls beyond simple friendship; the posters on his walls were all of men—sports stars, singers and the like. I know it sounds cliché, but somehow I simply knew.”
Joan fixed those hard eyes on her. “So what did you do?”
“At first I tried to deny it or pretend that it was just a phase he’d grow out of. Then I became convinced that it was caused by something I had done, that I had somehow failed as a mother. Then I simply became frightened for him, that he’d be hurt somehow.”
“I’m sure Brian will take care of that side of things. He has an infinite capacity for hurt. I’ve often thought it was where his real talent lies. Did you pray?”
“…I’m not all that religious.” She paused. God, this woman was a nightmare. “Brian has been tremendously kind and generous to Justin, in any number of ways. I don’t think he would ever willingly harm my son, Mrs. Kinney.”
“Perhaps if you had asked for God’s help, he might have found the strength to resist my son’s influence.” She reached into her large purse, pulling out a bible. “This was given to Brian when he was confirmed. I was hoping that if he reread it, it would help him understand that what he’s doing is an abomination. My son and yours are both sinners, Mrs. Taylor. In the eyes of God and in mine.”
Biting back a retort, Jennifer spoke quietly instead. “May I ask you something about Brian? I’ve wondered about this for a while now.”
“What would you like to know, Mrs. Taylor?” Old Queen Mary couldn’t have displayed more erect posture or less warmth. Poor Brian, living with this woman.
“Forgive me, but some of Brian’s friends have hinted to me that he was sometimes struck when he was younger. Is that true?”
Joan stared for a moment in some disbelief then spat out, “How dare you ask such a thing? Brian was a willful, difficult child, just as he’s grown into a willful and evil man. He was disciplined when necessary, as any child is. And he was punished a lot less than his father thought necessary, believe me. Jack was forever telling me that I spoiled the boy.”
“Mrs. Kinney…”
“He was always too smart for his own good. Snide, sarcastic, stubborn, secretive. He never even told us that he was applying to college until he showed me the letters of acceptance and announced that he’d gotten scholarships. After that he would only come home once or twice a year and leave as soon as he could. He cares nothing for his own family or the Lord. He has embraced sin and he will pay the price for eternity.”
“I’m sure that Brian doesn’t see it quite that way.”
“No doubt. I’ll not discuss a personal family matter with someone who is a virtual stranger, Mrs. Taylor.” Another awkward silence descended. Jen could feel her sympathy for Brian growing by the minute. No wonder Brian was the way he was, growing up with this.
Jennifer spooned some sugar into her tea, stirring it as it dissolved. Joan seemed to be taking in the loft, the clean lines, the sophisticated furnishings, the bed set up at a focal point, almost a shrine, with the lights above the pillows in place of a headboard. Her eyes fastened on a framed photo of a shirtless Brian holding an infant Gus, his eyes lit with happiness and pride in his son.
She asked the question, already knowing the answer. “Who, in the name of God is that child?”
“That’s Gus, Brian’s son, your grandson. He’s almost two now.”
“Mother of God, I had no idea—he’s never told me anything about…who is that child’s mother? How could this have happened?”
Jennifer wasn’t really surprised that Brian hadn’t told his mother about this part of his life. “Forgive me, but I think that your son should answer your questions about Gus.”
“So unless there’s a marriage he’s also kept secret, he can add the honor of fathering a bastard to his list of accomplishments.”
They heard voices outside the door and a key in the lock. Moments later Brian and Justin were walking in, laughing and carrying bags from a clothing store and some groceries. Both men spotted the women at the same time, Justin immediately going over to his mother to embrace her and kiss her cheek, Brian stopping dead in his tracks and quietly asking his mother “What are you doing here?”
Joan picked up the bible. “I thought that you might want this, but I can see that I’m probably wasting my time trying with you, as always.”
“Mom…”
“When were you going to tell me that you’ve fathered an illegitimate child? Was that something else you decided to let me stumble upon? What other dirty secrets are you hiding from me, Brian?”
Refusing to rise to her bait, Brian turned to Jennifer. “Have you two met?”
“Yes, we’ve been chatting for a few minutes. Justin, sweetie,
if we’re having dinner together, we should be going, the reservation
is for
Justin looked at his mother for a second. They had no dinner plans and they would certainly never make a reservation for that ungodly dinner hour.
“Yes, great, we’re looking forward to it, right Bri?”
“No.”
“Brian? I think my Mom is getting hungry. You know she sometimes skips lunch.”
“Then why don’t you two go ahead and I’ll catch up with you. I’d like to speak with my mother.”
Justin and Jennifer both looked back and forth between the two Kinney’s. Both looked angry.
“…OK, we’ll meet you at the Thai place when you can get
there.” The two
Left alone, Brian caught the pained look on his mother’s face from the kiss. He carried the bag of food into the kitchen and began putting things away.
“If you’re going to tell me that I’m going to Hell again, you can skip it.”
“You are, but I know you won’t listen to me now any more now than you did at fifteen. I was hoping that you would at least agree to read your bible again to see where you strayed from the path.”
“I have read the bible and I’m perfectly happy with the path I’m tripping down, thanks.”
She actually softened slightly. “I still wish that we could be close the way we were, Brian. You’re still my son and I’m still your mother.”
He laughed. “You’re going to have to come up with a fucking better reason than that.”
“Did your father know about the baby, too? Like you told him about—yourself?”
“He met Gus. He held him.”
“He never told me, about you or your—son.”
Brian opened the fridge, took out a beer. He set it, unopened, on the counter. “What difference would it have made if he had?” He paused for the space of a couple of breaths. Finally asking, “If I wasn’t a fag, would you love me, Mom?”
“You’re my son, of course I love you. You know that, Brian.”
He looked like he might say something, but then changed his mind. It was pointless. “I’m going out for dinner. They’re waiting for me.”
“I’ll pray for you, Brian.” She gathered her purse, slipped her coat on and began buttoning the front as she started to the door.
“Don’t bother.”
“I will bother. You’re my son and even though I know you don’t believe it, I do love you.” She had moved to the door.
He made a sound of disbelief, snide and rude.
“And I will pray for you. And your son.”
“Mom…”
“You were always so much more difficult than your sister, right from the start. You were always so much smarter than any of us, so stubborn. I knew that you’d end up doing well in the material sense, but I was always so afraid for you.” She shook her head. “And you’ve confirmed my fears. You are a sinner in the worst sense of the word and you are damned unless you accept salvation.”
Brian opened the door for her, angry at the pointlessness of the circles they continued in.
“Is that child really your son?”
“Yes, he is.”
“Do you ever see him?”
“Yes.”
“I want you to promise me something.”
Brian just looked at he, Jesus, what now?
“Don’t ever hit him.”
He rubbed the back of his neck with his hand. “No, I’ve learned that much.” He closed the door as she left.
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