Morning After

Lieutenant Horatio Hornblower came awake slowly.

He stretched in the soft bed, feeling incredibly warm, comfortable and rested…as if he had slept for a week. Reluctantly he opened his eyes, looking up at the fabric of the opulent canopy above his head. What was this? He looked around him, seeing the handsome appointments of an obviously expensive and carefully furnished bedroom. Sunlight was streaming in through the windows. He heard the sounds of someone washing coming from the connecting room, apparently a water closet of some sort.

Where the hell was he? What was he doing here in this bed and whose was it? His head was pounding. He looked down and saw the bruises on his chest. God.

Jesus! He was naked. He'd never spent the night with anyone before. He'd never done anything with anyone in his life.

His mind started clearing and he began remembering the last evening's events. The Indefatigable had put into London a week ago; they were to be here for at least two months of refitting. Yes, that's right. So…the Captain had granted leave to almost the entire crew, except for a few who were to help him with the initial ordering and organizing for the next voyage. He had been asked to help and had quickly agreed, realizing the honor he was being handed. They had worked hard getting everything done, all the others had left two days before and he was about to start his own leave when Captain Pellew had invited him for a final dinner last night. It was to thank him for the extra work he had done.

They had eaten at an inn known for serving excellent food and which Horatio knew he could never have afforded on his own. They'd had a delightful time, talking like old friends and had even commented on how well they worked together. The Captain had been wonderfully complimentary to him, saying that he'd have his own ship soon and that the Admiralty had their eyes on him. Horatio had blushed when Sir Edward had told him that he had gained a reputation as one of the ones to watch. He had enjoyed himself tremendously and so when the Captain had asked if he would like to have an after dinner drink, he had gladly accepted. Normally he refused spirits, but he was having too good a time to end the evening just yet. They had left the inn, gotten into the Captain's carriage and were taken to his home.

It was a beautiful house, not overly large, but wonderfully appointed. They had sat before the fire in the study for hours, talking about everything under the sun and drinking the finest port Horatio had ever tasted. They had finished one bottle and started on another when they had realized, finally, it had gotten quite late. The Captain had suggested that he simply stay in one of the guest rooms, rather than going all the way back to find an inn for himself. Exhausted, Horatio had quickly agreed.

They had walked up the stairs and he was shown to a room and given a nightshirt. Turning to thank the Captain and wish him goodnight, he had been surprised to find that they were so close as to be almost touching. Somehow, it had seemed so natural to put his hand up to the Captain's cheek in a caress. The Captain…Edward…had stared at him for a moment, whispering, "Are you sure about this, that this is what you want? I'll not force you to anything you're unsure of." Through the clarity of the wine he realized that he wanted to kiss…Edward. He'd never kissed anyone in his life, but he knew that he wanted to kiss the man standing before him. Nodding, he had moved so that his mouth met Edward's. Pressing his lips against lips for the first time, he felt a warm, moist glide across his mouth, causing him to open allowing the tongue inside. He gasped at the sensation; he'd never imagined that a simple kiss could make his knees actually go weak. Needing support, he had put his arms around Edward. The older man was chuckling at Horatio's trembling as he held him closely, hands moving over his back and shoulders. They were kissing again, and again, moving their mouths over jaws and chins and mouths and necks and throats. God! This was incredible. He'd had no idea, none at all. Hands and fingers caressed ribs and under shirts and beneath waistbands. Hips and groins had ground together and they had made their way to the main bedroom without releasing their hold on the other.

He had finally said, "I've not done anything like this before."

"I know that and I'll not hurt you." Was whispered to his neck.

"I don't know what to do."

A soft chuckle, "You'll be fine. If you want to stop, we will. If there is something you don't like or don't want, just say so, and that will be the end of this."

"No. Don't stop. I don't want to stop." And so they had continued.

Edward had gently pulled his shirt off of him and then had removed his own. Coming together again, the feel of skin on skin was beyond what Horatio had imagined at night in his own narrow cot onboard. It was fire and ice and warm and firm and alive. Shoes and stockings were gone and then trouser buttons were released. Naked, finally lying together in the huge bed, they had rubbed and caressed, Horatio shyly, Edward with confidence. They had bitten and stroked each other until they couldn't, didn't want to contain any more. Each had come explosively against the other. Finally, panting, they had lain together, holding each other. Without a word they had started over again.

They had done such things to each other. Horatio blushed at the memory. He had never thought himself a…sexual person. He had always put such thoughts out of his mind, or had tried to at any rate. But last night! He couldn't stop the smile. Certainly the wine had a lot to do with it, but in all truth, he hadn't wanted to stop even when his head had finally cleared. He hadn't wanted to stop at all.

But that had all been last night. Now it was morning and the sun was shinning in through the windows and there was no hiding in the dark as he had been able to do just a few hours before. He wanted to start all over again this morning, but he had no words to even begin to say that to Edward.

Edward…that was how he thought of the Captain now. After what they had done…"Sir" seemed ludicrous. Dear God, the things that he had done with…to…the Captain! No matter how much he had drunk…oh, God. A sound from the other room brought him back to the present.

Should he get dressed? Perhaps the captain would want to be alone. Maybe he should leave quickly. What, in the name of God, would he say? What did one say after a night like last night? God, what if it had been a mistake? The product of too much wine? What if the Captain regretted what they had done? Maybe he should transfer to another ship. He prayed God that he could just get away quietly before the Captain was finished in the other room.

He was too late.

He was reaching for his clothes when Edward walked into the room, wearing a dressing gown. He walked over to the bed, sitting next to Horatio, putting a hand to his cheek.

"Are you alright?" His hand traced down to the bruises on the younger mans neck and chest, on his shoulders and his ribs. "Good Lord, I had no idea that I'd done that. Can you forgive me?"

Barely able to meet his eyes, Horatio said, "I hadn't even noticed…I think that I should thank you, sir. Last night was…" words failed him.

A smile. "Yes, it was."

"Sir, I'll go now, if that's alright with you. You've been most kind, but I've intruded too long."

A hand lifted his chin, forcing their eyes to meet, gently he said, "Horatio, I've wanted last night for a long time. I've wanted you for a long time and I regret nothing that we did. If you have second thoughts, I understand that and I'll never ask you again, nor force you either. If you're uncomfortable with me after last night, I'll arrange that you'll never have to be alone with me again. There are other ships where you've been requested to serve. You'll have your pick, if that's your choice. But if we are to continue, you must know that the choice is yours to make."

Looking at Edward his mind screamed that all he wanted was to have Edward take him in his arms and make love to him over and over, to hold him and say all those things he had last night and to do all those things which had felt so incredible. Things that he had never thought to even dream about. He couldn't possibly ask for such things. Never. In a moment of boldness, he caught Edwards's hand in his own. Lifting it to his lips he gently kissed the back and then the palm, closing the fingers over the spot he had just placed his mouth, continuing to hold it, caressing it with his own fingers. His mind shouted "For God's sake, stop talking and kiss me and use your mouth like you did before." He willed Edward to hear his thoughts.

The Captain closed his eyes and said, "We have a two month leave. Would you spend it with me? We can go to my cottage on the coast. We can be alone there. No one will intrude. If that is what you want."

Horatio was thinking, terrified, confused. "And then what? After you're done with me and I still want you? What am I to do then, will I be passed on to the next Admiral who takes a fancy to me? Will I make my career in bed?" But what he said was,

"Why me, Edward? You're a captain, a knight, and a wealthy man. I'm…nothing next to you." A touch of defiance. " I won't be just a plaything, for you or anyone."

Edward looked at him, startled by his small outburst and needed to correct the mistake the young man was making about him, to understand his real intentions.

"Oh, Horatio. No. You're not that, never. You're everything I've been looking for. You don't see it, do you? You're more intelligent than any three of the other officers together and more creative. You see the realities of every situation before I've had a chance to explain it. You love the sea as I do. You've courage and beauty and passion. You are perfect. I want you. Not just in my bed, but as a companion, a partner in my life. I want you."

The pretty speech had the opposite effect from Sir Edwards's intention. Instead of reassuring the younger man sitting before him, it pushed him close to panic and flight. His eyes refused to meet Edwards and his breathing came is short gasps. He seemed close to tears. Taking a deep breath, he stood, slipping his trousers on and looked around for the shirt that he hastily slipped over his head. The Captain walked over to where Horatio was standing, gently put a hand to his arm.

"Don't you believe me? Do you think that I make a habit of seducing my officers?"

Horatio's eyes shot up to his.

"I…no." Then it burst out. " And after leave is over am I to continue as Captain's Boy aboard ship?"

"Ah, Horatio…" It was a pained whisper.

His voice almost inaudible, "I'm nothing next to you, just a junior Lieutenant. Expendable. After leave ends or I'm transferred, am I to be passed to another captain or step up to a Commodore, perhaps?"

Edward seemed hurt by the question.

"Do you really think so little of me as to believe me capable of such behavior?

Horatio looked at the floor.

"Rank and its privileges, sir. The practice is common enough."

Seeing the hurt and the fear in the young man, the Captain put his own pain at this comment aside to see past it. Taking Horatio's face in his hands and forcing him to look up to meet his eyes, he said,

"Not by me. Horatio, understand this. In over twenty years I've not taken a lover from my ship, only you. You're special to me, the one who I want. Not just for a night or a leave. I want you for a long time. I want your mind and your thoughts and your fears and hopes. I want your body, yes...of course I want that, but I want you outside of my bedchamber as well."

The look on Horatio's face was one of panic tempered by hope. He desperately wanted to believe what he was hearing, but in the deepest part of himself, he knew with every fiber in him that the previous night had only happened because of the wine and the proximity and the mutual loneliness of them both. As much as he might want Edward…the Captain…he was just…nothing. He was a junior officer, one of many, no different than any of the others, except that he had agreed to last night's seduction. He was simply the last one left on board. That's why he had been chosen; he was the one who was available, who had no one else. The Captain had picked him because he was the one who wouldn't say no.

But all of that didn't take into account the fact that Horatio knew that he had also, quite simply, fallen deeply in love with his Captain. He had known this for over a year now, since the duel with Simpson, when the Captain had saved his life and then told him that he saw worth in him. No one had ever seen value in Horatio; surely no one had ever told that they thought him worth anything.

He loved the Captain's courage and his intelligence, his abilities and his sensitivities, his leadership and even his few frailties. Whether this person had been born a man or a woman didn't matter to Horatio. He loved him, completely and totally with all that was within him to allow love. Whether it lasted for this one leave or for twenty years, he loved him and when it ended, he knew that at least part of him would still love Edward.

Last night had simply cemented his feelings.

Edward had watched the play of emotions on the young man's face. He had seen the fear and the hope, the terror, love and the self-hatred that had played across the features. What ever Edward's own desires may have been, he had no idea of the depth of self loathing and the complete lack of self regard that lived in the man he wished as his lover. All Edward had seen was the face he presented to the ship's crew and officers. There he was professional, confident and a young man in command of himself and his men. In his own mind, however, he was at best; barely competent. His successes had been a combination of luck and other people's intervention to prevent his own failings from being discovered.

It was no more possible for Horatio to believe himself worthy of Sir Edward, than he would believe himself worthy to be king.

But still, he loved Edward.

Horatio was determined that Edward never knows his true feelings. He wanted the Captain. He wanted this even if it were only for a few weeks. He had never had anything for himself. All his life he had done as he was told. School, joining the Navy, it had all been what others had told him to do. He wanted this for himself. Even if it were just pretend, even if he was the only one who truly felt love, he wanted this one time with someone else. He had longed to be able to hold and kiss another person, to feel someone's warmth in bed with him. He knew this would be his only chance. No one else would ever want him, even just for the duration of a leave. After it was over…well, at least he'd have something to remember. His mind was made up. He looked at Edward.

"Sir, if it's alright with you, I would very much like to spend leave with you." He smiled slightly; frightened that the Captain would laugh at his not realizing that it had all been a joke he had been too stupid to understand.

Instead the older man smiled in relief, caressed his cheek and gently kissed his mouth.

"Good, I'm glad that you will. We can leave any time that we're ready."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They had arrived at the cottage that same evening, having left only two hours after the decision to go was made. There had been little enough to prepare, a quick trip to the Indy for Horatio to gather some clothing while Edward arranged a coach and they were away.

Edward's housekeeper had been warned that he would most likely be spending a good deal of his time there this trip, so she had the larder stocked by the local couple who looked after the place for him. When they knew that he was there, they would stop by to tend to his needs.

It was dark when they walked in the front door, but Edward quickly found flint and steel and had a candle lit, from there he busied himself with the fire as Horatio carried their bags to the one bedroom. It was actually a small place, much less grand than Horatio would have imagined. It had been a simple fisherman's cottage, but Edward had fallen in love with the view out the back over the cliffs to the sea, the quiet and the seclusion of the place, and so had purchased it years before. It had become his refuge, his escape where he could shed all the trappings that encumbered him as Captain Sir Edward Pellew. Here he was just Edward Pellew, often just "Ned" to the locals who had known him for many years. They knew that he was a Navy captain and some of them had heard him referred to as "Sir Edward", but they took him at face value and left him alone. That was the way he preferred it.

They settled in, Horatio putting his belongings where Edward (as he had asked Horatio to call him) had shown him. They ate a simple dinner they had made for themselves, eggs and ham with glasses of ale to wash it down that they had found in the kitchen.

All this time they had kept to light, superficial talk, the weather and other general topics. Edward had realized, since that morning in his London home, how utterly terrified Horatio was, though he tried to hide the fact. He was young and inexperienced, true, but there was something more that was troubling him. Finally, after eating and a game of chess which Horatio had let the other man win, Edward said, "It's getting late and has been a full day, its time for bed."

The look on the young man's face was a mixture of anticipation and terror. As Edward held out his hand to the young man, he wondered if he would actually join him or bolt for the nearest door. Hesitantly though, he took the offered hand and they walked together into the bedroom carrying a single candle with them.

As Edward prepared for bed he saw that Horatio just stood in the center of the room, unsure of what to do. Turning to him, Edward said, "You don't have to do this if you don't want to. We can just go to sleep, if you'd prefer that. I'll not touch you, I'll not do anything that you're not ready for or that you don't want me to do."

So quietly as to be difficult to understand, he answered, "No, I do want this, and I do want you. …I just don't know how." While what he was really thinking was "I've no idea what to do. You'll be disappointed and wish I were someone else."

Edward smiled and said, "Let me help you then." He gently and slowly caressed the young man's face and neck, noticing that he was trembling with nerves. He loosened the shirt collar and unbuttoned it as far as he could then slowly lifted it over the young man's head, gently letting his fingers trace down the planes and curves of his torso, gliding back up again to the broad shoulders, resting both hands there and leaning in for a tender brush of lips to lips. Horatio's mouth twitched slightly in a failed attempt at a smile and he looked down, unable to meet Edward's eyes, his arms hanging at his sides.

Seeing the fear that surrounded Horatio, Edward took his hand and led him gently to the bed, laying him upon the top of the covers, placing him on his stomach, arms up by his head. "Just be still, close your eyes and think of nothing. Just relax there."

Horatio wanted to do as he was asked, but he was unable to release his tense muscles. He felt the edge of the bed compress as Edward sat next to him and felt something warm and wet on his back. Edward's hands were gently massaging him with some pleasant smelling oil. It did feel wonderful, the warm hands working the warm oil into his skin, the steady pressure of skin on skin, the constant contact was starting to work to let him be lulled into a feeling of calm.

Realizing that Edward was doing this to help him he tried to let himself go with the feeling of contentment that was starting to overcome him. No one had ever shown such concern for him before and he was almost overwhelmed by the care he was being shown. As the hands on his back stopped for a moment to pour some more oil out, he took the opportunity to turn over onto his back, looking up at his lover and reaching up his arms to him, saying simply "Please, I want to hold you."

Edward leaned forward, lying across his lover's chest, arms coming around and under him, his mouth nuzzling and kissing his face and throat. Horatio's arms encircled the Captain's back, stroking the long muscles and savoring the feel of the skin under his fingers. Starting to relax, he began to feel calmer and more at ease. After several minutes of gentle caressing he finally found the courage to ask the Captain the question that he needed to be answered if there was to be any hope for them.

"S…Edward, I know what you said to me this morning, but I need to ask you why you chose me, out of anyone who you could have here. I mean, I'll stay whatever the reason, but why would you pick me? You could have anyone, anyone at all… You don't need someone like me."

Edward looked at him in amazement. How could the young fool not have any idea how remarkable he was? Was this some sort of game that he was playing, some fishing for compliments that he wished to hear? Looking at the young man's face, he finally understood that Horatio honestly had no concept of his worth, truly didn't know what Edward found so irresistible about him. He moved so that his weight was resting on his elbows, holding his chest up so that he could look down at the face he was carefully stroking.

"Horatio, all my life, at least since I was old enough to know what I wanted at any rate, I've looked for someone who was intelligent and compassionate. Someone who loved the ocean and the hardships which accompany a life at sea, who had the courage and the creativity to deal with the problems of day to day life on the water, in war or not." He smiled slightly. "And I had hoped that person would also be gentle and beautiful and have a mouth that I couldn't stop wanting to taste and skin which felt like satin under my hands. Someone who had eyes like brown velvet.

"I know the differences which are between us as well as you do, how could I not? Don't you see? None of that matters to me. I don't care about the difference in rank or finances or social position. The one thing that does concern me is the gulf in our ages and that only because it will begin to affect us at some point. As I told you this morning, I am in love you. Whether you chose to stay with me or not, that will remain to be true."

Horatio raised one hand to touch Edwards's cheek, looking at him with something like wonder, but starting to believe that what he was saying might, possibly, be true. His confidence building just a bit he managed to shyly say, "I'd like to be with you for a long time, Edward, if you'll allow that. I would very much enjoy loving you and being with you, both in and out of your bed. We have a two-month leave. I believe that's enough time to see if we can be together, if that is alright with you."

"Yes, we'll take this a day at a time. There's no rush and no reason for haste. There will be other problems to encounter when we return to the ship…"

"And we'll attend to them when needs must. But for now, we have made a start."

"A good start."

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