Last Letters

Note: these letters were found with Admiral Lord Hornblower's personal effects after his death in 1857. The letter written by Lord Hornblower was found with its seals intact. They have not been previously published.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Edward's Last Letter

My Dearest Horatio,

You are to be reading this after my funeral, if you attend and after your return from sea if you are unable to be there in person. To that end, I must confess to a hope that you, indeed, do not attend something so morbid as my services are likely to be. Lord knows that the Admiralty is not known for their light touch in such things. I would miss the entire thing myself, if I could.

It is my profound hope that you will not over grieve. We have both always assumed that I would be the first to go, though we never spoke on it. I am an older man than you are and this is only right. It is my express wish that you not mourn me overlong. As you are well aware, my life has been a full one, and there is little that I have left to accomplish. In this I have been most fortunate.

Horatio, my dearest Horatio. You have been my true love for so very many years. I have not the words to tell you how terribly much that has enhanced my life.

The life of a ship's Captain is one of solitude, as well you know. Had I not your arms to come to for refuge, I fear that I would have been lost more times that I can admit. You were always my safe haven and my home, wherever we were.

It took us so very long to truly become fully comfortable with each other. It was so long before we could relax all of our many guards and be open to the happiness that we finally found. That it took you longer than myself is something that I never fully understood. It was always beyond my understanding how you could not be aware of how very extraordinary you are, how so very special. I must admit that I've yet to fully comprehend that fact, though I've tried now for decades. Your belief that you are unworthy of the many honors rightfully bestowed upon you and even of my own poor efforts to make you understand that you are the other half of my soul have perplexed me so often.

No, do not take this as a criticism, my dearest love. Your very modesty is one of the many things that caused me to adore you so very much. You are and have been so perfect for me, lightening my sour moods and keeping me young for so much longer than I had any right to that claim.

But now, I ask you to do one last thing for me, my Sweeting, you who have done so much for me. You are so much a younger man than I, you must find another. You are not to live out your days alone. I really must insist on this, Horatio. You had told me once, long ago, how you had wished to have a family. I ask you now to proceed with that old dream of yours. I realize, of course, that to find my replacement will be no simple matter, but I also know that you will succeed in this as you always succeed whenever you set your mind to a task.

My dearest, had I lived twenty lifetimes without you, I could never have known the joy that you gave me in the brief time we did have, and the only regret with which I leave this life is that our time together is at an end.

I adore you so.

Edward.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Horatio's Last Letter

My Edward,

It was always my great hope that you would precede me in death. I so wanted that you would be spared the pain I know you now bear. However, as you are reading this, it was not to be.

For that I am profoundly sorry. Were it possible for you not to have this burden on you, I would wish it with all my heart. Were it even possible for you to simply never know my fate, whatever it may be, I would so wish that, also. This is impossible. We both know that you will, as Commodore, be privy to whatever befalls, so to keep the details from you will not be feasible. It is my prayer, me, who never prays, that the details do not cause you undo anguish.

I want, most of all, to tell you once more how very much, how completely I love you. For so long you were the reason for my life, my happiness, and my passion. You are my all. Had my life been spent without knowing your affection, I know that it would have been a life only half lived.

You are my dearest love and my truest friend. You were the only person with whom I ever felt I could truly be myself, who saw my many flaws and faults and shortcomings and still, somehow, wanted me. How can I tell you now what an amazement that has always been to me, how very unbelievable I find that? I have never ceased to wonder at this. Of all the people who have passed through my life, you are the only one to ever truly understand me. God, I'm so grateful to you for that.

I do treasure you Edward, and I am so very grateful to you. Without you my life would have been lived without passion or love, for it is only with you that I have found these things. If not for you, I would have been so very lonely.

I ask you and implore you to find another to share the abundance of love you have in your great heart. We were so much to each other for so long. However, I must insist that you do so, for my sake as well as for your own. I could not bear to know that you were living a solitary life when you might know love with another.

Please, My Edward, do this last for me.

If it had been possible for us to grow old together sitting and nodding before a fire, as we so often jokingly talked about, Dear God, what a blessing that would have been! It was not to be, and we are military men who are used to death.

Know that I am grateful beyond words for the time we did have. The joy of waking beside you, the ecstasy of feeling your body against mine, simply being able to look across a room and know that your eyes searched out my own are thoughts I cherish, as I cherish you.

As I sit here, quill in hand, so many memories come to my mind. The first time I set eyes on you on board the Indy, seventeen years old and thinking that you sounded like the voice of God, the fear that I had failed you when I lost that first prize ship and when you found out about the duel with Simpson, and then again when I lost the second prize and landed myself in a Spanish prison. Later, after we had declared our love, there are so many things we shared that are etched on my mind. They parade before me like scenes in some private play. The dinner where you told me of my transfer to Renown, the court marshal in Jamaica and the fear on your face when you saw me in that hot Kingston cell, knowing that I might well be hung. The joy when I was acquitted and we were able to be together in that plantation home lent to you by some friend, the Christmas's and the separations and the leaves we were able to be together and the ones when we were separated by thousands of miles and months or years.

My love. I tell the timeline of my life by you and by our being together. You are my soul mate and the star that has steered my course.

Without you, my life and I would have been nothing. Know that my thoughts have been with you all these years and my heart has belonged to no one but you since the day I first set eyes on you.

I love you with all that is in me and all that I am.

H

Post Script: I have requested that my sea chest be sent to you in Portsmouth. Forgive me in laying this burden on you. I would rather that the damn thing simply be tossed over the side to spare you the sight of it sitting in the hallway, but you know that it must go to family and you are mine. There is nothing of value in it; some old books and my clothes that you always told me were a disgrace to His Majesty. The letters which you've sent me are there, locked in the hidden compartment in the lid. I've read them all at least twenty times. They were my lifelines to you, as you were my lifeline to everything that mattered.

Return to Simon's