Fire

Part 6

Justin

So I had spent the night sleeping with Brian and when we woke up it was like it had been before, like it used to be—before Ethan and the fire and all the other shit that’s gone down. He was relaxed and rested and he seemed to even be sort of happy that I was there.

We couldn’t do anything about my morning boner, but he felt it against his leg and smiled at me, sort of like he was laughing and then he said “You ought to take care of that, Sunshine”, so I went to the bathroom and jerked off.

I know, it sounds stupid, but it was like we shared this secret when the nurse came into the room with his breakfast and to check his meds and stuff.

It was the first time he’s been in a good mood since the fire; well, at least as far as I can remember.

He was pleasant to the nurse, for a change and he actually ate his breakfast without complaining about it being shit.

He allowed the orderly give him a sponge bath and he was civil to the doctor.

Thinking that things were looking up, finally, I went to class, promising that I would be back later.

I thought that the night would be a lot like the one before. I could read to Brian since he had liked that and then maybe I could spend the night holding him.

It had seemed like we had turned some kind of a corner, or at least Brian had.

The depression seemed to be lifting.

I was really happy for him.

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Debbie

I was afraid that something like this would happen. I should have suspected something when Sunshine came into the diner so happy this morning. He was just—glad. Like Pollyfuckinganna.

I should have known that Brian wouldn’t have turned completely around so quick but, fuck, I’m stupid, OK?

OK, maybe I’m not stupid, but I was just so hoping that the asshole would get better and be happy and realize what he still has despite what the fuck he’s lost…that I just didn’t think.

I know. I should have.

So I went to the hospital after the breakfast crowd thinned out. I wanted to just say hello to him and take him some lemon squares, just so he’d know at I was still thinking about him.

I walked into his room and he seemed quiet.

OK, Brian can get like that and he sure as shit has reason, but this wasn’t like his usual ‘leave me alone you’re pissing me off and you’re dirt’ attitude. This was different. This was quiet and—kind. It was like he had made a decision and now that something was settled he could just lay back and enjoy the ride. Like nothing mattered.

I should have fucking known better.

I know. I should have.

Maybe then it wouldn’t have all hit the fan the way it did.

He wouldn’t admit anything. He just was pleasant, the way he can be when he’s decided not to be snarky to everyone, when he decides that there’s nothing to hide so he can just be himself.

You have any idea how many times I’ve told him that if he’d let people see that side of him how fucking many friends he’d have? That person, that other Brian is a Hell of a sweetheart. You know what he says? Fuck ‘em.

Yeah. Big surprise.

I wish that I’d known that would be the last time I’d see the son of a bitch for a while.

He knew, of course. He wouldn’t say shit, but he knew. He’d signed the fucking papers by then.

I would have told him that I love him.

He knows that I do. He’s known that for over fifteen years, but I would have liked to have the chance to tell him.

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Justin

I got back to the hospital about nine that night and went straight up to his room. I could have walked those halls blindfolded; I’d spent so much time in that place.

When I walked into his room I knew that he was gone. I mean it’s not hard to figure out.

The bed was unmade, stripped, the meds and the IV stand were gone, and the flowers people had sent were missing. The room was empty.

OK. It happens.

I went down to the nurses station to ask where he’d been moved, figuring that he was just in another room for some reason.

They told me that he had been discharged that afternoon.

Discharged? Fuck that.

He’d only had major surgery a couple of days ago and now he was out? Fucking insurance companies.

I started on a rant and the nurse, Nancy, told me to tone it down and behave myself.

He had been released to another facility and he would continue his recovery there.

When the fuck was this decided?

The day he came out of the shoulder surgery, the second one that gave him the new joint. He had spoken to the doctor who had arranged everything. As soon as he could be safely transported, he was removed at his own request and with his doctor’s approval.

Fuck me.

Where was he? That place in Irwin? The one in Braddock or Shadyside?

She was sorry, but she wasn’t at liberty to release that information.

Why the fuck not? He was my lover, Damnit. I had a right to know where he was.

She said that she was sorry—in fact she looked like she was—but there was nothing more that she could tell me without Mr. Kinney’s permission. It was the new privacy laws; there could be a lawsuit. I must understand.

Fuck. That was why Brian was so calm this morning. He knew that it was moving day and he’d be gone before he had to see any of us again.

I asked Nancy if he was OK. You know, was he really getting better?

She said that he was and that he’d be just fine in time.

As Molly would say ‘liar, liar, pants on fire.’

…Fuck.

I need to find him.

Fucking Brian.

The asshole knows that I love him; in fact he knows that he loves me.

Fuck.

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Brian

I knew that it was the only way to deal with this.

I had to do it. If Justin wouldn’t go off the cliff then I’d jump myself.

If I’d let him hang around the hospital as much as he obviously wanted to, then he’d never go.

He’d get into some martyr thing and then he’d start feeling responsible for me and I sure as fuck didn’t want to go down that road.

I suspect that Jennifer might want to write me a thank you note about this one of these days.

As soon as the fiddler prick broke what was left of my shoulder and I finished with the second operation on the damn thing I knew that this was going to really suck…actually, I think I might have suspected that when I first clued in that I was on fire along with the rest of my loft and the chainsaw was so close that I could feel the breeze from the chain next to my chin. There’s an adventure for you, boys and girls.

Anyway.

This is going to be months, maybe years before I’m even close to normal. Now don’t laugh at that, I know, it’s too fucking easy. What’s normal?

I can’t stand the thought of having Justin being dragged through this. I can’t do that to him. He’s still a kid and he has better things to do than hang around in a Goddamned hospital.

…You want to know something, though?

I really liked him reading to me.

When I woke up in the middle of the night and realized that he was curled into me and had fallen asleep beside me, I called the nurse to cover him with the extra blanket and told her to let him sleep.

I got to hold him all night, even after my arm had gone to sleep from his weight, I just kept it there and in the morning I kissed him like I used to do.

I would have liked to make love, but that wasn’t in the cards and I thought that he wanted to blow me, but I knew that the nurse would be in and I could hear people walking around in the hall. I didn’t care about that, of course, but I didn’t want him to get thrown out.

It’s better doing it this way.

I know that he wouldn’t buy that, but it is.

This way there won’t be any big scenes and there won’t be any hysterics and he can just forget about there being anything between us.

He can remember that I was an asshole and that I walked out—wheeled out, and that will be fine.

He’ll be pissed and find himself another fiddler.

I always loved Moby Dick.

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Daphne

I saw Justin this morning and he looks like shit. He told me what had happened, that Brian decided to be moved and he figured that it was because Bri didn’t went him hanging around.

He is such a twat.

Like Brian would risk his recovery for Justin.

I know that Justin thinks that this is true love and all of that and I know that Brian loves Justin, but he wouldn’t risk his health. He’s too smart for that.

I think that Brian just needs a break from everyone so that he can concentrate on getting better.

I wish that I knew where he is, though.

That’s almost creepy, knowing that he could choose to disappear like that.

Justin and Debbie think that he’s in that convalescent home in Irwin that he was set to go to before.

I think that he’d go more for Shadyside and Michael thinks that he’s somewhere we haven’t thought of. He says that no one will find him unless he decides that he wants us to.

Justin told me last night at he’s afraid that Brian will do something really drastic, he thinks that Bri is a drama queen and that he might choose to go out in a blaze of glory or something like that.

Oh, please.

Brian wouldn’t do something like that.

I think he just wants to be left alone so that he can get better and sort things out.

I mean, he needs a new place to live and he’s lost all his stuff and his boss is being a prick.

I told Justin—OK I shouldn’t have said this but I was high—that I thought that he might just want to start over someplace else. Maybe he’ll move to San Francisco or Chicago or New York or someplace.

Justin looked like he might cry when I said that.

I think that’s what he might be afraid of.

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Joan

Well, if this isn’t God’s will, I don’t know what is. I told Brian to change, to repent his sins, to ask Father Tom for forgiveness and go back to Mass and confession.

Get thee behind me, Satan. That’s what I told him he should say when he’s tempted by one of those—men.

He just gave me that superior smile of his and laughed and said some horrid thing.

I’ll continue to pray for him, of course, but I’m beginning to despair.

I lost his father’s soul years ago, but there might still be a chance with Brian.

I won’t give up.

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