Family

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Then

<><><><><><><><><><><><><>Craig <><><><><><><><><><><><><>

I knew that raising Justin wouldn't be easy. I knew it almost from the day he was born, because he's so damn smart and so damn stubborn, but I had no idea.

I really didn't.

There are, as they say, problems and then there are problems.

I still can remember the whole thing, every nuance, every inflection, everything that happened. I can even tell you why. Well, I can tell you why it happened on my end, our end. I'm still not sure about Justin's side of things, which may seem strange as he is happy to tell anyone who will listen.

The night Jenn told me that she thought Justin might be gay I went up to his room. I walked around and looked through his things. I know, I probably shouldn't have, but-Damnit, I'm his father and part of my job is to protect him from-things and people like this man, this Brian Kinney who has…God, who has taken my son and …I looked through his room, through the posters of the jocks and the actors, through the issues of GQ and his sketch pads and I found that Polaroid of him with, shit, it had to be Kinney. It couldn't be anyone else.

The man had his arms around Justin, holding him possessively, smiling for the camera, leering and the look on Justin's face-God he was loving it. He was loving being the center of attention, loving the way that pervert's hands held him, loved how he was practically running his mouth and his tongue along his neck.

The man was-God, he was a man, like Jenn had said. He had to be thirty, maybe older. He had a look about him, like a predator, like an animal who's made a capture and was ready to play for a while before the kill-with Justin, my son.

God.

I had to stop this. I had to. Any parent would stop this if they could. They would. I had to. I had to do something.

Jenn doesn't seem to understand. She's always been so accepting of both of the kids, no matter what they did. She could never see that some of the things they did, some of the choices they made were wrong, dangerous. She always thought that they would be alright, that even if they made mistakes that it would all somehow turn out fine. She's always seen the kids as golden, perfect and she just can't see that sometimes-shit. She just can't see that sometimes a parent has to take a firm hand and just tell the kid that they're on the wrong track, that for their own good they have to back off, change, rethink what they're doing.

That's what Justin needs now.

Jenn doesn't see it, but it is.

And he's always been so damn stubborn. Once he gets an idea he'll just never-he just won't let it go.

Right now it's this gay thing and this man, this Kinney who has seduced him.

Seduced.

That's the word and I mean more than just sex, though sex is part of it. This man, this Kinney has given, taken sex with Justin, with my son. He's taken that part away, that innocence that Justin used to have and after that argument in the kitchen, after the argument in the driveway, I know it's gone and nothing-no one can bring it back.

Kinney has taken away that part of Justin and it won't ever come back. It can't, not after what they've-done together.

There's a hardness about him now, a cynicism that I wouldn't have thought possible when he was younger. That's Kinney who did that. Kinney turned him into something, into someone who...

Jesus, I've heard the stories. Who hasn't? The stories about what a couple of queers do together. I've seen the crude drawings and the occasional photo and I've heard the talk in the locker room. It's not like everyone doesn't know someone who's gay. I just never thought that-well, I just never thought that it would be my own son doing these things and doing them willingly.

That's another question. Is it consensual? Because if it isn't I'll have that son of a bitch locked up, I'll pursue it until he's destroyed. I swear to God that I will.

I didn't tell Jenn where I was going because I knew she'd object. I know her. I've known her since I was twenty and she's always been right there beside me until now, and now it's like I'm dealing with someone I barely knew.

We used to be so in tune with what we wanted and where we were going with the kids but now it's like we never were even on the same page-and God it's hard to do this myself. It's like I'm hitting brick walls at every turn.

So I did the only thing I could think of doing that would tell me what was really going on. She told me that she'd found Justin in a gay bar. I'll go there and see what it's like. I'll see if he's there and if he is I'll just see for myself what he's doing and what this Kinney bastard is like.

Sixteen. That's the legal age of consent in Pennsylvania. I checked.

Justin was seventeen when this started.

Damnit.

Yes, they were there. I'd gone into a couple of those cesspools before I found the right one and they were all pretty low. The people, on the surface, just looked like people, if you know what I mean, but if you looked a little closer-Jesus. Perverts, every damn one of them.

And the clothes-. Even the ones who were dressed as men were dressed as whores. Tight pants, tight shirts, no shirts, all designed to emphasis the goods that were available to the highest bidder or even just whoever was interested. On a hunch I asked the bartenders where I might find Brian Kinney and they all knew him. They even tried to be helpful, telling me to try this place or that. Only one was suspicious enough to ask why I was looking for him. I left that one alone.

The fourth place I tried, a place called Babylon, was pay dirt.

It looked like any club I'd ever been in. Loud music, the usual lighting effects going, the walls of monitors and the multiple bars all over. That's where the money is, I'm told. The front gate take is nice, but the drinks pay the bills. There was a decent crowd and if I owned stock in the place I'd probably think it was a good night. There was a catwalk of some kind that overlooked the dance floor and that seemed like the best bet to try to actually spot anyone.

Sure enough, in about five minutes I saw Justin's blond hair about thirty feet away from me. He had lost his shirt somewhere, along with at least half of the crowd was dancing with Kinney-or at least I assume that's who it was from the picture I'd found up in Justin's room.

Dancing with him-Christ. They were practically having sex right there in the middle of the damn dance floor, hanging all over each other, kissing, groping, grinding.

It turned my stomach.

Kinney's tall and Jennifer was right, he's not a boy, he's a grown man. He looks about thirty, something like that and the look on Justin's face when he…He looked like he'd found the Holy Grail.

And Kinney-he was smug, confidant-arrogant. He held onto Justin, rubbing his body against-grinding their crotches together, kissing him, holding his hands and his arms. Jesus. He was doing-with my son.

I saw Kinney lean down, whisper something to Justin and then saw Justin's smile-his beautiful smile. Kinney took him by the hand and led him off somewhere, somewhere away from the dance floor. I asked the man, person next to me who'd been watching where they'd gone.

He laughed. He actually laughed at me then seemed to realize that I really didn't know.

"The back room."

"The what?"

"You know, the back room-so they can fuck."

Jesus. My son.

Driving home I thought about that smile, the one Justin had when Kinney took him to that 'back room'. It was the same one he'd had the night I told him over dinner that we were going to Disneyworld.

<><><><><><><><><><><><>Jenn<><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

I had to talk to him about what I'd seen, especially after what I'd found up in his room. I had to. I'm his mother and I know that I agreed not to tell Craig, but, well, I simply had to and he'll just have to understand that.

I'd suspected for a while now, years really, that he was probably gay. At first I thought that eventually his friendship with Daphne would turn romantic, but it became clear that they're simply friends-best friends, but nothing more than that.

Then after she showed me that flier about the art show at the GLC, dear God, the Gay and Lesbian Center of all things and I saw his name listed with the featured artists-I had to go.

I had to.

I had to see what sort of things, what sort of people he was involving himself with.

Yes, the people who I met there seemed pleasant enough and that drink and talk I had later with that Debbie woman was an eye opener to say the least, but I don't think anything could have prepared me-or any parent-for the sight of my teenaged son being embraced and kissed by a man who way probably twice his age.

And the way he was dressed, this Brian Kinney. He couldn't have been any more obvious if he'd had a neon sign flashing on his chest spelling out "Get it here!" Even after seeing the man holding that little baby and kissing it, treating it with obvious love-I don't care. He had no business doing what he was with my son, even if Justin didn't mind and judging by the look on his face, minding was the furthest thing from his mind.

My God, standing there in public, that man with his arms around him, groping him, kissing and Justin loving every minute. I started imagining the other things that they had done together, the things that man had done to my son, my sweet son, and it was all I could do not to…

I had to tell Craig, even though I knew how he would probably react. He would take it as a personal failing on his part and demand that it be fixed, preferably by dinnertime. I know how he is.

It's not that he doesn't love Justin. He does, just like he loves Molly and I suppose how he used to love me, but he just won't be able to accept this. He won't. I've heard him make the comments under his breath about fags and homos and queers when he's seen someone in a store or a restaurant.

He would never confront them, of course, but he just can't accept it and he never has been able to, not since I've known him.

So I told him, sitting down in the living room, with both of the kids gone for the evening, I told him everything that I knew and he reacted just as I thought he would. He called for Justin, swore that he'd put a stop to it.

There was no point in trying to talk him out of it or to get him to think that it wasn't that bad-so long as Justin was being careful. There was just no point. He even tried to blame me, saying that I 'let' Justin get away with things, that I didn't control him and that I had always taken Justin's side in things, that he could do no wrong.

I-suppose. Maybe I did, maybe I have done that, but he's, Justin is so exceptional that how could I find fault? I know I sound like a mother talking, but he truly is. He's always been such a stand out with his intelligence and his beauty, his creativity and his courage.

When he was little, when he was a baby I used to go into his room after he was asleep. I would just watch him, making sure he was breathing, making sure he was covered up or not too warm and sometimes I'd find myself just staring at this amazing, this perfect child who was mine and I would be overwhelmed.

He still amazes me. I think he always will, but I'm afraid for him. I'm so frightened that he'll be hurt or get in with people he has no concept of. Debbie admitted that this Brian person would hurt him and I just so wish I could still protect him like I could when the danger was in falling off a swing at the play ground.

His playground is the world now and he has to learn to fall and get up on his own-and I'm not sure I'm ready to let him go.

This Brian will hurt him. I know he will. Maybe his next lover will be kinder and he'll learn that love isn't always pain; I want him to know that. I even know that we need pain to grow, I just wish-that Justin, my Justin, my baby could learn that and keep that amazing smile he's always had.

The arguments, the one in the kitchen and then the one in the driveway after Craig found out-Justin, I'm so worried that we'll lose him. I know how close he is to going and that frightens me so much.

That Brian person, I blame him. I do.

No, I don't blame Justin's being gay on him. I don't. I know better than that. I blame the fact that he's almost in his thirties and he's prowling after-and catching-children and that he caught Justin.

If Justin had found someone else, someone his own age, maybe someone in his class maybe it would be better somehow. He would be with someone he had more in common with than just sex. They could talk about school and-oh, I don't know, go to movies and all of that. Regular dating between peers instead of this sordid-whatever it is.

Craig went too far, like he always does. He just doesn't understand that Justin needs a light touch and he brought out the sledgehammer.

He'll lose Justin like that. We'll lose him. I'll lose him.

And Justin will lose us and he'll only have that Brian to turn to.

Craig doesn't understand that, but I do.

I understand it with everything in me.

And then we'll lose our son.

I've lost Craig, I've known that for years, but I won't lose Justin or Molly. Absolutely not.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><>Justin<><><><><><><><><><><><><>

I wish it were all easier.

I wish that my father could just accept me and that he could just-I don't know-just deal with it and get past all the crap that doesn't matter and still be my Dad.

I wish that my Mom would stop putting herself in the middle of this mess.

I wish that Brian could do something to help, but I don't think that he will. And I don't know what he could do, anyway. Kiss me in front of them? Tell them he loved me and that he'd never, ever hurt me? Like that will ever happen.

I wish that Dad could understand that I love Brian and that all I want is to be with him. Really, that's all I want right now, to be with Brian and to have my family stop treating me like I have a disease or like it's the end of the world or something.

I heard my parents talking and Dad was saying that I had never been easy to raise, that I was always too smart, too stubborn, too independent-but I'm not. Not really. I'm still a kid and even if I have a lover who's almost twice my age and I'll be out of school soon, I'm still their kid and they're still my parents and I just wish that they understood that.

It used to be almost easy being here-well, until my senior year, anyway.

Everyone was always polite and Mom had dinner on the table every night and made sure that Molly and I got to school every morning and that our homework was done and all that stuff. She even baked cupcakes for the fundraisers and all of that mother shit.

Dad did his thing. He went to work and came home and just wanted to know if there was anything that he had to deal with when he got home-a bad grade, a detention, a bill that Mom didn't understand, a car that needed fixing and he'd sit down in his chair in the living room and decide what had to be done. He'd give the decision from on high and though he and Mom did talk about most things, we all knew who was in charge.

But then he couldn't fix this, he couldn't fix me and he hated Brian so damn much.

He blamed Brian but that was wrong. It was never really about Brian.

He didn't get that if it hadn't been Brian it would have been someone else. I'd be gay no matter what and nothing would really be different.

He can't deal with it. He wants the perfect yuppie, preppie son, the one who graduates Summa from Dartmouth then gets his MBA at Harvard or some place and goes on to make a ton of money sitting in some office doing Christ knows what. He can't deal with having a fag son who wants to paint pictures and live with his male lover.

He and Mom fight about it all the time. I hear them through the walls the nights we're all in the house and I guess Molly hears it, too. She doesn't say anything, but I know she's wondering what's going on. Besides, she's at St. James, too, in the lower school. I know the kids spread the rumors. She's had to have heard.

She came into my room last night while I was doing some homework. She sat on the bed and just asked me if I was OK. It was sweet, really. Then she looked at the snap of me and Brian that was on my desk. I think she knew the score. She looked at it and just said, "He'd cute. He's old, but he's kinda hunky."

I think I laughed, but I agreed with her.

My eleven-year-old sister has good taste.

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Three Years Later

Now

<><><><><><><><><><><><><>Jenn<><><><><><><><><><><><><>

They were here tonight for dinner and I couldn't help but watch them together. I accepted that Justin is gay years ago and suspected it before from the time he was around twelve, but I never gave any real thought about what that would mean in his day-to-day life.

There was the bashing, of course.

I hate that word. 'Bashing'-it sounds like some kind of new dance or a drink you'd order or something along those lines.

That's not what happened, that's not what it was. It was assault. It was attempted murder and my child, my sweet Justin was almost killed by it and it will affect him for the rest of his life.

It will affect me for the rest of my life. There will never be a time when I don't look at him walk into a room and not think that…

It will never leave me. It will always be with me.

But tonight, seeing him with Brian, happy and relaxed and comfortable-that was the part of his being gay that I guess I never imagined…that he would be so content. I guess I just never thought that he would meet someone and fall in love and all of that. Well, no, that's not true. I suppose I thought that he would, but I just never pictured him with…you know. Brian is hardly anyone's idea of a perfect match for their child, but I know that he cares about Justin deeply and when I see the look on Justin's face when Brian puts his arm around him or kisses him-it reminds me of how I looked when Craig first told me that he loved me.

I used to not think they would last and there are any number of days when I still think that, if you want to know the truth, but right now, seeing them here tonight-maybe it will. Maybe they will be one of those fairytale couples who fall in love and live happily ever after, even if Brian can toss off an unforgettably horrible remark and go on eating his dinner without a pause and Justin has developed a hardness about him that I didn't ever think would be there.

Justin-it's obvious that one way or another he's tied himself to Brian, come what may and I think Brian knows this.

And Brian-I have so many reservations about him and so many fears.

His family has scarred him so deeply and his being fired hurt him more than he'll admit. I know that. He puts such stock, so much of his personal worth into his job and his money and all of that-I know this is driving a stake through his heart.

But Justin is quietly there for him and Brian allows it, which I never thought would happen. Debbie has told me stories about how he would come to her house in the middle of the night, beaten and bleeding. He was younger than Justin is now; younger then Justin was when they first met. Sometimes he'd let himself in, sometimes she'd find him on the couch in the morning, sometimes he knew he needed help and he would get Michael or go directly into Deb's room, not saying much, just sorry he had woken them.

As much as she berates him and calls him names, she'd fight lions for him, just like he would for Justin or Justin would for him.

Craig-I've tried to talk to him about all of this, I've tried to get him to at least meet with Justin, even if he won't see Brian yet.

He just can't and that breaks my heart just like it does Justin's. It makes me angry and sad and-if you have children you love them, you love them unconditionally and that's just the way it is. Period. You may get angry with them and disappointed and wish they would think before they do something but you love them no matter what.

I thought that he understood that and I was wrong.

And my poor Justin, he's had to learn to live with that. He still hopes that it will change, that he and his father will be able to be friends again and I hope so, too, I've just stopped thinking that it will happen.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><>Justin<><><><><><><><><><><><><>

I used to blame myself for my parent's divorce and everything that it caused-the house being sold and Mom having to get a job and Molly having to change schools. Maybe my coming out and getting involved with Brian did contribute, but I don't blame myself anymore.

I think they would have gotten divorced anyway. Maybe it would have taken longer, but they would have sooner or later.

I think I was just the excuse, the catalyst.

I wish it didn't happen. Of course I wish that but it's more for Molly at this point than for me. I'm out now-out of the house, out sexually, out of school-at least for now. Molly isn't and that sucks for her. She has to go through all the growing up I did with just Mom around.

Now Mom is great, but she's just Mom. She isn't Mom and Dad and that makes a big difference.

And I miss my Dad. I know that sounds lameass, but I do miss him. I miss just hanging out with him and talking and stuff. I hate that he can't accept-well, all of it. He can't accept me or the fact that I'm not what he pictured a son to be and he sure as fuck can't accept that I'm still, again, with Brian.

I know he blames Brian for almost everything and that's just flat out wrong, but he won't see it.

If Brian hadn't come along I'd still be gay, I'd still want to draw and I'd still want to fall in love with a man and not the girl next door.

He-Dad-seemed to take it better when I was with Ethan, but he still hated the idea that I was queer. He wouldn't even shake Ethan's hand. Cooties, I guess-all those fag germs might rub off or something.

Somehow it wasn't as bad with Ethan, but with Brian it's a lot worse.

I know that Mom tried to talk to him about how she thinks that Brian and me are fairly solid and that we might be together for a while so he should just accept it, but I know that he won't. He hates Brian too much and I think he can't stand the idea of what he thinks we do together…you know, blow jobs and butt fucking.

He has no idea about the other things, the-God, Brian would call me such a lesbian for this-the love, the support. There are the nights when he still just holds me after a nightmare or I'll wash his back in the shower because I know he likes it or I'll cook his favorite dinner because I know he's tired and would just grab a bag of pretzels otherwise.

I think Mom just tries to pretend that none of that-sex, I mean-none of that really happens even though she knows it's practically a nightly thing with us-and almost every morning, too.

In the beginning of this, when I saw Brian that first night and I thought I loved him and all of that, I know I didn't. I didn't for a while, but I do now. I love him and I know him well enough to know that he loves me, too. He won't say it, but he thinks it and that's enough for now anyway.

I still wish that Dad would come around and just meet with Brian and me, maybe have dinner or something, try to get to know him a little. I know they'll never be great friends, but I just wish they could be in the same room together once in a while and I think that Brian would almost be willing. Well, I think he would do it for me if I asked. I just wish that Dad would see that we're just people who are trying to get through day after day and that we love each other.

I wish he could see that.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><>Craig<><><><><><><><><><><><><>

I see them now and them. They don't know it, but I do.

Sometimes I drive by that big apartment Kinney owns and I'll see one of them coming or going, sometimes together. I went to Justin's shows at the student gallery and was impressed. He has talent, real talent, the kind that makes a name for itself. I see Kinney's name in the business section of the Gazette, too. His new company seems to be taking off. I gather that he's good at what he does and probably makes more money than I do which burns me.

So I called. I did. I set up a dinner meeting and agreed to meet them at that diner where Justin works.

That's another thing. My son is a damn waiter, busboy, whatever he is. A kid like Justin, 1500 on his SAT's, accepted at Dartmouth and he's waiting tables

I knew that it was a mistake as soon as I walked through the door. I should have offered to meet them for Sunday brunch at the club or something-fags do brunch, don't they? The place was full of-well, it was full but Justin was already there at a booth, waiting for me. He was alone.

Justin stood up as soon as he saw me, happy that I'd shown up and it hurt me to realize that he was afraid that I wouldn't be there. I tried with him and his sister. I really did try.

"You're looking well-that a new jacket, Justin?" It was leather, obviously expensive.

"Brian got it for me for my birthday last month."

Shit, I'd forgotten his birthday and I wondered if that was a dig or not. "I've been meaning to call you about that. I wasn't sure what you'd like so I guess I put it off but you let me know, right?"

"…Sure." I know that he wouldn't.

I tried again. "I saw Brian's company in the paper last week. It seems to be doing well."

"So far so good. Did you know that I'm doing the art direction for him?"

I couldn't remember, if I'd been told, I'd forgotten. "That's great, really great. You like it, working together, I mean?"

He just nodded. Fine. "I thought that Brian was going to join us tonight"

"He'll be here. He had to finish a meeting with a client."

There didn't seem to be much to say to that. "Have you seen your mother recently, Justin? Do you get over to spend time with your sister?"

"We see them a couple of times a month. Mom found the building for the agency for us." A blowsy red haired woman came over, looking me up and down, probably knew who I was.

"You want to wait for Brian or are you two ready to order?"

Justin looked at me. This wasn't really an appetizer, cocktail kind of place. "Two iced teas, Deb. We'll wait."

She gave him a smile. "Sure sweetie. This your Dad?"

Justin remembered the manners Jenn had ingrained into him. "Debbie Novatny, this is my father, Craig Taylor. Dad, this is Debbie."

We exchanged the usual 'how do you dos'.

"You got yourself a hell of a kid here, you should be proud of him, bravest damn kid I ever saw." She actually patted Justin's head and he didn't stop her, seemed to almost bask in it-in an embarrassed sort of way.

I mumbled something affirmative and was going to try conversation again when I heard the door open and saw Justin's smile. Kinney slid into the booth next to Justin, giving my son a kiss hello. Christ.

"How did it go? You get the account?"

"Of course I got the account. Leo said he'd switch to any agency I was with." Justin kissed Kinney back. God.

"Leo? Is that a big account?"

Justin answered. "Leo is Leo Brown. Brown Athletic. He really likes Brian." Justin gave him this look, like the ones Jenn used to give me back when she thought that I could move mountains. Kinney drank it in.

"He likes that I raised his sales by thirty-seven percent."

The woman-Deb-was back and we ordered the usual diner food, burgers and fries.

I was stuck for conversation. "…Your hand better now, Justin? No more headaches?"

"It's mostly better, it gets tired sometimes, but it's pretty much OK."

That reminded me, "I heard from my insurance carrier and since you're not a student any more and you're over eighteen, I have to drop you from my policy. I think it becomes effective next month some time. Is that a problem for you?"

Kinney gave me this look. "Justin is still in rehab for neurological damage from the bashing."

"I thought that he was better." I really did.

"I am better. I'll be fine." He stopped Kinney with a look.

He took Justin's hand, right there in front of me. "It's alright. You're an employee, you can go on the company policy." Justin nodded at him, reassured.

That's what did it for me. Kinney taking his hand, telling him not to worry. In that moment I saw some sort of passing of the torch, almost like Justin had gone from being my son to that, to the man who-to that son of a bitch-to being his damned concubine, his little woman, his wife. He would protect Justin now. I was no longer needed, the choice had been made. It was done deal. It was a little thing, his hand on Justin's, Justin's fingers wrapping around Kinney's bigger hand and the look on Justin's face like he knew that tomorrow was Christmas and Kinney would make sure Santa would be there.

Then in what was obviously a 'fuck you' to me, Justin leaned over and kissed Kinney, right there in front of me, then gave me this look, this look that just said 'up yours'.

The food arrived, the loud woman, Debbie-I remembered her now, the one who took Justin in after I told him to make a choice and then after Kinney threw him out as well. The woman Jenn had befriended, the one who had sort of adopted my son. She looked at Kinney.

"Listen, asshole, I heard about you and the others getting pulled over by Carl last week. Spent the night in jail, didn't you? Well, you just thank your lucky stars that Sunshine here wasn't with you or I'd have made sure that your butt was plugged with my foot instead of you plugging him, you understand me?"

"Why, Deb, I didn't know you were into three ways. You plug my butt while I plug his."

You know what they did? The three of them? They laughed. They thought it was all a joke.

Jesus. That was enough. I tossed some money on the table and left. I tried, I really did try. I met with them, I made nice, I even met them on their turf.

And this is the man Jenn and Justin want me to make nice to?

No.

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