Another Visit

Horatio and his father were sitting in the small patio area of the Doctor's property. A small stream bordered it and the sound of the water added its own music to the background as they spoke. The day was a lovely one and they were enjoying the beauty of the afternoon. The joy of being together was even more rare. The Lieutenant was home for a visit as part of his month long leave. He had wanted to see his father before his ship left England, not knowing when he would be back again. It was a cool day, Jacob bundled into his great coat, Horatio wrapped in his cloak.

They had both changed so much over the last couple of years since Horatio had left for sea. After several rocky attempts, they had managed to put most of their long years of estrangement behind them-that in itself was a major accomplishment. There hadn't been any significant conversations between them for almost a decade before they had started talking with the beginnings of mutual understanding less than a year ago. In fact, they were still feeling their way with each other, but the worst seemed to be behind them. The newfound closeness was something they both reveled in and the two men had found that they could talk about anything that came into their minds. It was almost as though they wanted to make up for all the lost years.

The men were beginning to see each other as people, not just the stereotypes of father and son. Horatio could see Jacob's strengths and weaknesses as a man and his father could start to accept that he was no longer a child to be chastised or sent away. He was a young man making his own decisions and choices about his career and his life.

They were starting to reach the point where they could disagree without fearing that it would destroy what they had built between them, even accepting their differences. Horatio marveled at this last. The gulf between them seemed so great, at least on the surface. His father was a doctor, a respected surgeon now starting to go past his prime and beginning to think on retirement. Horatio was a young Naval Officer during wartime at the start of what promised to be an exceptional career. Jacob had been a widower for over fifteen years, choosing to remain alone since. Horatio was involved in a love affair that often seemed to consume him. He was deeply in love and loved in return. The problem, of course, was that his true love was another man. Captain Sir Edward Pellew, his ship's commander and his lover for over three years now. The two were completely committed to each other, neither of them wanting nor looking for another.

Their lives were lived under layers of secrecy and deception. If found out they could technically be executed under the Articles of War, and even if that were not to happen, there would certainly be major damage done to their careers. No one except several very close friends and Edward's trusted servants knew about the affair.

Jacob had first suspected the truth about their relationship after Horatio had returned home to recover from a bullet would. While delirious from fever, he had spoken about his lover plainly, becoming evasive when later questioned. It was only when Edward had come to visit and Jacob happened upon them that the truth had finally come out. Horatio had been angry and defensive, Jacob angry and frightened for his son. However, that day the two had begun to talk as adults, not just father and son, reaching the beginnings of understanding with each other. There had followed a series of letters which had caused more hurt and misunderstanding, but they had become closer during a Christmas visit which Jacob had made to Edward's home the previous year, at Horatio's invitation.

"How is Edward, Horatio? Is he well?"

"Yes, very. He sends his regards and is sorry that he couldn't be here himself, but he had meetings to attend at the Admiralty."

"Shouldn't you be there with him?"

Horatio laughed. "Father, really. I'm just a Lieutenant; he's a senior Captain. I'm completely unnecessary there at the moment. I'd just be in the way."

Jacob smiled at his son. "And how are you two getting on now? Are you still happy together?"

The quiet contentment on his son's face told him more than his spoken, "Yes, very. I didn't believe it possible that I would ever even understand this kind of happiness, father, let alone be able to live it myself. There is such a feeling of belonging when I'm with him. Even if we're not actually together, I know that I'm not alone anymore, that there's someone waiting for me to walk in the door or hoping that the post will bring a letter."

He smiled in pure happiness. "God, Father, just knowing that there is another person who truly loves me and wants to be with me as I want him…that is such an amazement to me, such joy."

Jacob smiled to himself. "I felt the same way about your mother. I couldn't believe it when she agreed to marry me, and then when you were born to us...you were such a delight to us both."

Horatio looked at his father for a quiet moment. "Have you any…reservations about Edward and me? I know that you've said that you're happy for me, for us, but…this can't be what you imagined for me."

"No, it isn't, but then I didn't think that you'd join the Navy, either."

Horatio didn't pay any attention to the attempted joke, just continued to look at his father.

"I've no reservations I've not already mentioned to you and to Edward. That you'll miss having children, that you both court danger to yourselves and to your careers by living as you do. I fear that when you are parted, as you know that you will be, there may be problems that you haven't had to yet deal with. I'm concerned for later, when you may be hurt."

"I know about those concerns. I was thinking more about any moral qualms that you may have." Horatio looked at his father steadily and calmly. "After all, I am a sodomite."

Jacob exhaled and returned his son's gaze and replied mildly. "You never were one to mince words."

"What would be the point? It's what I am, as is Edward."

"Horatio, what am I to say to that? You're both intelligent men who have made your choice. Obviously it's a choice that makes you both happy and it's apparent that you love each other. Any parent wants their child's happiness. You know that, or you should."

"Yes, but you don't answer my question, father."

"What would you have me say? That I disapprove? That you're damned to Hellfire for acts against God and the church? You know that I don't believe in that sort of thing. Are you asking if I see you as defiled or dirty, engaging in unclean acts? A depraved pervert, perhaps? Horatio---in my life I've seen things that you would be unable to comprehend. Because I live in a small village doesn't mean that the evils and ills of the cities aren't here. They simply hide in the haylofts of the barns. I know, I deal with the results of those acts in my job."

"So you're telling me that you have no problem with my…"

"No, I didn't say that. I have very real concerns about your choice, but I accept that the choice is yours to make, without the Church or Parliament getting involved."

Horatio looked at his father's face as he answered and then asked, "Have you ever been…attracted to another man, father?"

Jacob looked down at the dog lying next to him for a long moment and answered, "Yes, once, a long time ago. Before you were born or I'd even met your mother."

"Did you ever act on your feelings?"

He answered thoughtfully. "No, I lacked the courage, I think."

After a pause. "Would you tell me about it? I'd truly like to know. I've often wondered where my inclinations came from. I've wondered if I was simply born different than most men or…"

"Or if somehow you were raised in a family where such things are somehow encouraged?"

"Yes, I suppose something like that. I've wondered if most men actually do have such feelings but are taught to ignore them. I know that onboard ship, there are more of such things than when we are on land, but that could simply be because of the lack of women for months at a time. When they return to port, most of the men return to their wives or some such."

"Does this trouble you? That you have different---urges--- than most of the men who you sail with?"

"I wonder what sets me apart. I eat the same food, I wear the same clothing, I do the same work, I feel hot and cold and fear and hunger just like every man jack aboard, yet I'm not the same. I don't know why and I want to…know."

"This troubles you quite a bit, I gather. Have you discussed this with Edward?"

Horatio shook his head. "No, I don't wish to bother him with this. He has more than enough to worry him without my adding to his problems."

They heard footsteps on the walk approaching them. Rose appeared at their side carrying a small tray on which was a large teapot and two empty mugs.

"I've brought you two some nice hot chocolate to keep you warm while you sit out here. Although why you want to sit out here in the cold instead of by that nice warm fire, is something that I'll never understand." She pulled a throw out from under her arm where she'd been carrying it.

"And you keep this on you, you hear me? You with your rheumatism sitting out here in this chill, I'll never understand." She placed it on the Doctor's legs, making sure that he was well covered.

"And You! You take care that he doesn't catch his death, do you hear me, Mr. Fancy Navy Lieutenant?"

"Yes, M'am, Rose, yes. I'll see that he stays warm. Don't worry."

She turned to go back to the house. "You see that you do, now, you hear me?"

"Yes, Rose, don't worry. Thank you."

"Hmmf." And she was gone.

They smiled at each other. Horatio spoke, "She'll never change. I do love her so. Edward would poach her for his housekeeper if he thought that she'd leave you for a minute, but he knows that it's hopeless to even ask."

"Actually she might, if she thought that you were the one who needed her, son."

"I'd never do that to you, or to her. You know that. Father…does she know about me?"

"Yes, I think that she must. She's never said anything, but she probably knows."

"You mean from when Edward and I were here last summer? How? Did she see something?"

"Horatio. She washes the bed linens."

Horatio blushed a deep red. "Oh, God."

Jacob watched his son's reaction as he poured hot chocolate into the two mugs. "You can't think that others don't know, Horatio. I know you two attempt discretion, however…there are those who must be aware of your true relationship. What of Edward's servant's? There are hundreds of men on a crowded ship. Surely you're aware of this."

Horatio looked at his father, but seemed to see only his own thoughts. "Of course we are. His servants are all loyal and are quite well paid. They've been with him for years. We don't ---do---anything in front of them any more than you and mother would have embraced in front of the local parson. And on the ship, well, of course there are rumors, but we have the loyalty of the men and we are as discrete as possible."

"Horatio."

His son took a sip of his drink. "Rosie is still the best cook I've ever known." He put the mug back down. "Yes, we know. One of the reasons I came here was to tell you that my transfer would be approved soon. That's one of the things that Edward is dealing with at the Admiralty. He's trying to decide which ship would be the best for me." He smiled at this. Edward would do his best for him.

"When?"

"I'm not sure. Soon. Within months, certainly. It depends on what's available."

They sat in silence for a few minutes, drinking their chocolate. Finally Horatio broke the quiet.

"So you didn't tell me what happened with the man you were attracted to."

"Oh, that." He shrugged slightly. "I suppose that I was twelve or thirteen. Living at home and going to school every day. I became enamored of the schoolmaster. He was young and I thought quite a handsome man, bright and well read. I recall that he loved poetry and Shakespeare. He took an interest in me as I was one of the better students he had, one of the few who actually was interested in what he had to say."

He shifted slightly in his chair.

"One day we had all taken a walk to the local stream to see the plants which grew along the banks. The school day ended and the other children drifted away, leaving just the two of us alone there. We were talking and looking at the different leaves and flowers, and then he started talking about how lonely it was to be the new person in a village, especially when there were no others really close to his age. He put his arm around my shoulder and left it there far too long for propriety. He handed me several compliments and made it clear that he liked me, that he thought I was bright. I realized that he was starting to make advances to me and became frightened, so I made an excuse of needing to get home. He said that he would be there later that afternoon and probably have his dinner there, that he would pack some food for himself. He made it clear that he would welcome my company."

"So what happened? Did you meet him?'

"No. I was too frightened. I stayed home from school the next day, too. After that he seemed sad all the time. He left the village and the school at the end of the term."

"Were you ever sorry that you didn't meet him?"

"I've wondered what would have happened if I had gone."

"Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I hadn't met Edward or if we hadn't talked that first night when we finally became lovers. If I had taken a different path than the one I did."

"Regrets?"

"No, not really. It's just that sometimes I wonder what might have happened if, I don't know. If I hadn't joined the Navy, say, or if I had apprenticed to the local barrister instead, what might have been different if Mother hadn't died. That sort of thing."

Jacob appeared to be lost in thought for a few minutes; they passed slowly with Horatio becoming self-conscious as the time passed. Finally his father spoke to him. "It sounds to me as though you're unsure of the choices that you've made. It's not too late for you to make new decisions, you know. You're but nineteen. That's not such a vast age."

"I know."

"Would you like to change some of your decisions?"

Horatio sighed and seemed uncertain. "It's all so difficult. Much more so than I ever imagined that it would be."

"How so?"

"You know that Edward and I must be secretive, of course, but there's the knowledge that we'll be separated soon and that we will both, likely be in danger." At this he looked at his father, knowing that he may have gone too far for the old man. He went on anyway. "There's nothing that we can do about that. It's simply the careers that we've chosen. And I wonder, too whether if, by choosing to give myself to Edward, I've locked myself out of other things which might have been…I don't know…things that I might have found…good."

"Such as the security of a wife and children?"

He nodded. "Yes, and the relative ease of living with that kind of choice."

"Have you ever been…attracted to a woman, son?"

Horatio paused as he considered his reply, blushing a bit. "I wonder what it would feel like. But, no, not any specific woman, I haven't. There was the Duchess, but I think that was more just…proximity than anything else. I like her as a friend, but I don't dream of her." He smiled at this idea. "I think that I'm more, I don't know. Curious? It just seems so much easier."

"Yes, in some ways it would be easier for you. But is that what would make you happy? I've watched you and Edward together. The love between the two of you is obvious."

He smiled as he looked at his father. "I know."

Watching the water flowing in the close by stream he confessed to is father, "Sometimes it frightens me. The depth of feelings that I have for him…if anything were to happen to him I honestly don't know if I could bear it."

Seeing the startled look on Jacob's face, he added, "No, I don't mean that I'd do myself damage, but I don't know if I'd be able to…recover from his loss. I sometimes feel as though he's quite literally my other half, that without him I'm somehow incomplete. It took me a long time to accept that thought. I've always prided myself on being independent, but now I think that I was simply frightened. I knew that if I became close to someone, I'd run the risk of pain and I didn't want to take that chance. Now I can't bear the thought of being without him."

"How will you manage when you're transferred?"

He shrugged slightly. "I dread it. We can't even write as we would like for fear that if there are too many letters or packages, it will raise suspicions. And when we do exchange letters, they will need be in some kind of code. We can hardly tell each other openly what we feel, should they fall into the wrong hands. If we do manage to meet in some port, we'll have to be just two officers who once served together." He paused, becoming visibly upset. "And we'll be separated for months and years at a time. Years! God."

"Horatio, son. This is what I was just speaking about. You've become almost distraught with just the thought of your separation. It's not even happened yet."

"I know." He looked over at his father. "It's not just the sex, you know. It's not. I know that everyone assumes that's the main part of it, but it isn't. It's part of it, of course, but I truly love him." He was lost in his own thoughts. "His intelligence and his kindness, his humor and …how his eyes look…I sound foolish, I know."

Jacob was searching his face. "Is it odd--- was it difficult for you to…accustom yourself to …being with a man? I mean, what was it like when you kissed?"

Horatio looked sharply over at his father, trying to understand how he meant the question. After a moment he answered.

"I was frightened to death at first. The first night we were together, I was shaking with nerves. He knew that it was my…first time, you see. He cared about me, though, not just about himself, so it was alright."

"Did it-hurt?"

"Yes, at first. Not now."

"It's actually-pleasurable?"

Horatio blushed and smiled. "Yes, in fact, it is. I wouldn't want to if it weren't."

"Do you have any qualms about the morality of it, son? Have you ever thought that perhaps what you were doing was, I don't know---wrong or any of that?"

"Before we became lovers I was terribly confused about it all. That was when I was still unaware he wanted me also. I would look at him, or have thoughts of him and be so ashamed. There's quite a lot of -this sort of thing that goes on when you're on a ship. Like I said before. It's common, really. Almost all of the men go back to women when they get back on land, though. I never wanted that. I knew that I felt different. It ---frightened me. I was embarrassed by it, and terrified."

"And now?"

"Now I know that I love and am loved in return. It's that simple, really."

"Yes, it should be. But we both know that it isn't."

"I know, but when we're alone together and we can close whatever door we happen to be behind, then it's alright."

They heard footsteps approaching down the path. Thinking that it was probably Rose calling them in for dinner, Horatio stood in preparation of gathering the tea service she had used for the hot chocolate.

"So here you both are."

Turning at the sound of the familiar voice, Horatio's face glowed into a lovely smile of surprise and happiness.

"What are you doing here? You said that you'd see me in Portsmouth."

He paused for a moment to greet Jacob and briefly shake his hand. "It's good to see you again, Doctor. My meetings at the Admiralty took less time than expected." Crossing over the small patio area to where the young man was standing, Edward put his hand up to Horatio's face, caressing his cheek. "I missed you."

Then they embraced.

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