The Gus Diaries

Part 74

Ibiza or Not
 

The wedding was amazing, but after, everything seemed to start falling apart. Tucker and Grandma Jen left on their honeymoon, and Dad and Pop started stressing out about the board meeting at Taylor Electronics. On that same day, Dad had to go for some blood work in advance of his oncology appointment at the end of the week.

None of this shit was a surprise, but it seemed to be playing out a little differently than they had anticipated.

I was at school during the board meeting but that didn’t stop Dad and Pop from going over it again and again during dinner and throughout the evening. I began to wonder if they realized I was even in the room with them, or they just didn’t care since they rarely censor anything they talk about anyway.

“Brian, you can’t blame yourself for getting angry.” Pop was moving back and forth in the kitchen bringing food to the table, while Dad sat down with his head in his hands. I tried to set the table as inconspicuously as possible.

“What the fuck are you talking about? I have never lost my temper in a business setting. I may speak my mind, but never at that volume.”

“If you hadn’t, I would have. You know he was totally out of line and insulting.”

“But still...”

“No, there’s no excuse for his behavior. Even some of the other board members at the meeting were embarrassed by his remarks, not yours.”

“I stood up and called your father a homophobic, two-faced bigot in front of 10 very influential people, some of whom use Kinnetik for their advertising.”

Pop stood behind Dad and started massaging his shoulders. “And now they know you’re totally honest no matter what the situation.” Then he leaned down, kissed Dad softly on the cheek and brushed his hand across his forehead, moving wisps of hair off Dad’s face.

Dad looked into Pop’s eyes. “I hope there won’t be any ramifications.”

“The only ramifications that I can foresee are that the board members will continue to see Craig for who he is. And by the way, he lost the title of my father years ago.”

“I still can’t believe he started claiming that businesses in support of gay rights would lose ground and money. Then when he started illustrating with other businesses that have gone bust that just happened to be gay friendly...” Dad shook his head. “Anyone who reads a fucking business journal would know that those companies went belly up because of the economy in general.”

Pop sat down at the table and placed his hand over Dad’s. “Yes, that’s true. And I would bet that 99% of the people in that room know it, so stop worrying. The vote went our way and Craig looks like an asshole once again.”

I couldn’t help myself and I quietly chimed in, “Does it bother you, Pop?”

That was the first time that my dads looked my way as we were all beginning to eat.

“Does what bother me, Gus?” Pop really did seem confused, and I wasn’t sure if I should pursue the topic.

“It’s nothing, forget it. The fish is great.” I continued to eat and decided that this wasn’t the time or place to further this discussion.

“It’s okay, Sonny Boy. You can ask Justin or me anything.”

I had no choice but to explain myself. “Does it bother you that your father is alive and well, yet doesn’t want to be a part of your life?”

Dad and Pop looked at each other. Dad nodded towards Pop. It still amazes me just how much they can say to each other without even opening their mouths.

“It does bother me, as much as I wish it didn’t. You know all that bullshit about hate only being a step away from love?” I looked straight into Pop’s eyes, not wanting to interrupt. “Well, it’s more true than I’d like to admit.” Pop took a sip of his water and continued, “I’ve always kept some foolish spark of hope, wishing that my father would make some gesture that would demonstrate I’m more important than his bigoted principles, but unfortunately that hasn’t happened. I know in my mind it probably never will, but in my heart I just can’t let go.

“Brian knew when I was 17 and Craig kicked me out that it would never happen, but I kept believing... and a little piece of me still believes, even if the odds are a zillion to one.”

Dad looked at Pop. “I think you’re giving yourself better odds than you should.”

Pop huffed out a pained laugh. “You’re probably right.”

“Dad, Pop, I think I’d like to spend an evening with Mom. She talked to me at the wedding and she wants to get together while you guys are on your honeymoon. Is that okay with you?”

“Are you sure you’re ready, Sonny Boy? Maybe you should wait until we’re home. We’ll only be gone for a week.” Dad seemed kind of nervous.

“She’s still living at Grandma Deb’s and I’ll be staying with Mem while you’re gone, so I think it’ll be okay. Maybe I’ll make it a night that I have something to do with Jeff after, in case things go south.”

Pop added, “It’s your decision, Gus, but just remember that we’ll have an international cell phone with us at all times in case you need to talk. Don’t hesitate to call.”

Dad chimed in, “Besides, our trip is still dependent on the results of my blood work and exam. I’m not counting on anything.”

“Brian, it’s been ten years. This is a huge milestone -- it’ll all be great news -- I know it.”

“Since when are you a mind reader?” Dad looked at his plate and moved his food around more than he ate any of it.

“Since I fell in love with Brian Kinney.”

“Dad, is there some reason you think the tests will come out bad?” Now, I was getting worried.

“No, I’m just...”

Pop interjected, “A drama queen.”

We all laughed after that and continued to enjoy the meal, moving onto less difficult topics.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 

A couple of days later, Pop and Dad were both in the kitchen when I came down to get some breakfast before school.

“Everything’s going to be fine. Why the hell are you inviting trouble?”

“Because, Sunshine, not everything comes out all hunky dory in the real world. Because sometimes the things we want the most are the things that slap us in the face with disappointment. I should know, I’ve been slapped by the best of them.”

Dad was pacing back and forth and running his hand through his hair. None of these were good signs. I hoped he was just queening out, but it seemed that all he could focus on was the worst possible scenario.

“Justin, I wish you’d never gotten those tickets.”

“Brian, I know you don’t really mean that, but if you want to postpone our trip, I’ll see what I can do. You’re going to be fine. The oncologist will confirm that today.”

“I have a feeling... I’m just not sure why, but I have a feeling we’re not going to get good news today.”

“Why, Dad?”

Both my fathers looked at me.

“Now you have Gus concerned. What the fuck is going on in your head?”

“Look, Justin, maybe we were never meant to go to Ibiza. It just represents... well, you know.”

“One of the only lies you ever told me.”

That got my attention. “Dad, I thought you were always honest.”

“I am.”

“Brian, tell him.” Pop looked at Dad with a look that would sure as shit scare the hell out of me.

“I may have told one little fib a long time ago to protect others from being overly concerned about nothing.”

“Bullshit!” Pop now stood with his hands on his hips and was doing a damn good imitation of a pissed off Grandma Deb. “Don’t make it worse -- tell the truth.”

“Okay, shit, Justin, are you channeling Deb at her worst?” I knew it.

Dad looked at me and then glared one more time at Pop, but he was certainly holding firm. “Tell him!”

“When I found out I had cancer, I didn’t want to tell anyone.”

“Because you didn’t want to burden them?”

Dad looked at Pop again. He sure wasn’t letting up and that made me so confused. “No, Sonny Boy, because I didn’t want anyone to think less of me or pity me because I had cancer and had to have a ball removed.”

“Why the fuck would you think that?”

“Have you met your Uncle Michael? I was right about the pity. As soon as he knew, all he wanted to do was pamper me.”

“But what does that have to do with Ibiza and Pop? You did tell Pop.” Then I looked from one of my dads to the other. “Shit, Dad, you didn’t tell Pop!?”

“No, when it was time for me to have the surgery, I told him I was going to Ibiza, which was a place we had planned to go together, and I left him confused, as unbeknownst to him, I went off to Johns Hopkins for the procedure.”

“Why the fuck would you do that? Pop wouldn’t pity you, he’d love you and treat you with respect!” I was even getting pissed off at Dad.

“Hindsight is twenty-twenty, and you’re right, Gus. I fucked up by not telling him, and I keep having this feeling that I... we were never meant to get to Ibiza, and the only thing stopping us now is my health.”

“Dad, are you scared?” It never dawned on me that my father could be afraid of anything, but thinking back I remembered when Pop had his surgery. He would never burden me, but I knew he was terrified of losing Pop. So was I.

Pop walked slowly over to Dad and kneeled in front of him as he sat at the kitchen table. He took his hands in his own and held them. “You have nothing to be afraid of. You and I can defeat the world. Rage and JT are forever -- haven’t you been reading between the lines?” Dad nodded and held Pop close. I actually would have walked out of the room but I didn’t want to make a sound or movement.

“I want this to be good news. I want to be truly cancer-free. More than anything, I want to go to Ibiza with you and let every fucking person in the world, and some who aren’t here anymore, know that I wasn’t being punished by having cancer, that it was another stumbling block towards my success in life.”

Pop sat on Dad’s lap -- they never do that -- at least not in front of me, and they held each other. I saw their shoulders begin to shake, so I immediately got up and left the room. Even I know when privacy is more important than information.

It was obvious that Dad was talking about so much more than his doctor’s appointment. He was talking about the pain of a disappointment that was far bigger. It just wasn’t the right time for me to ask, but I would someday when he was beyond this milestone, when he was back from his honeymoon.

Dad was built on confidence, but something in him was feeling scared and lost this morning -- like the world wouldn’t let him have it all, or some element in the world. Maybe the fact that his sister also had cancer had gotten to him more than any of us realized.

We’d just have to wait. In the meantime, my bag was packed for a week-long stay with Mem, including a couple of scheduled times with Jeff during the weekend. Grandma Jen and Tucker both felt that he was old enough and responsible enough to stay on his own. He was almost eighteen.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 

I knew Dad and Pop went to see the doctor together and would pick me at the store when they were through since I had work that afternoon, and Jeff was doing a double shift at the diner.

When they walked into the store, Uncle Michael was the first to notice them. “Gus, your dads are here to pick you up.”

“So, Dad, was it all good news?”

“Not really, Sonny Boy.” I looked at him and found myself almost shaking with fear.

Then Pop hit Dad on the arm, “Brian, that’s a terrible thing to do to him!”

Uncle Michael started laughing. “So, what the fuck did the doctor say?”

Dad put his hands on Uncle Michael’s shoulders. “Mikey, I gained four pounds this year!”

I stared at Dad and started laughing as Uncle Michael asked the million dollar question, “But, you’re cancer-free, right?”

Dad hoisted Uncle Michael in the air and yelled, “Totally and unequivocally cancer-free!”

Then he put Uncle Michael down, gave me a hug and went back to Pop, giving him one hell of a kiss.

“Does this mean you two are off to Ibiza and I’m off to Mem’s?”

“You, my handsome Sonny Boy, are about to spend a glorious, or as glorious as you can get with Melanie, week with Mel and Jenny. I’ll be wining, dining, tanning and a few other things with your Pop.”

Pop smirked, “I won’t be able to sit for a month.”

“Ewww, TMI -- again!”

They both looked at me and Uncle Michael, who was now laughing his head off. “Gus, what do you mean again?”

I didn’t know what to say so Uncle Michael took over, “Let’s just say that you two should get better about locking your door when you head into the shower before the onslaught of a wedding party.”

I could feel myself turning beet red and so was Pop.

Dad snorted, “Consider it done. Sonny Boy, why don’t you chalk that up to the advanced class in gay sex education.”

“I’d rather block it out for life if you don’t mind.”

We all were laughing as we left for Britin -- the last night for a week.
 

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