The Gus Diaries

Part 64

Choices of the Heart
 

I’d been feeling kind of down for the past couple of weeks, but I knew that Dad and Pop were busy at work and Dad was trying to deal with all the shit that Aunt Claire was going through, too, so I tried to keep a low profile.

Every time Pop asked how I was doing, the answer was always the same, “Fine.”

I had a feeling Pop was suspicious that something was up, but he never let on. I think that’s his way of giving me space so I could talk to him if, and when, it became necessary.

I really wanted to solve this problem on my own, but it was sort of out of my hands.

It all started a few weeks ago when Jeff and I both had a rare, free Friday afternoon. We weren’t going to be heading out to Britin until my dads got out of work so we decided to just hang out at Grandma Jen’s.

Having an afternoon to relax with no work and no practice was the best. We made out for a while on Jeff’s bed, although we’d decided a long time ago that having sex at Grandma’s house was just too weird for both of us.

Then we did some homework, to get it out of the way, so we could enjoy the weekend together, and to also take the pressure off since we were going to have a game on Saturday.

“Hey, Newbie.” I had finished my homework a bit before Jeff did, so I was working on my news editorial for the school paper.

“Yeah?”

“Finished my homework.”

“That’s great. You want to watch some TV or go out for a while? My dads won’t be here to pick us up for at least another hour or two.”

“Let’s just hang out.” He paused for a moment, but I had a feeling that he had an agenda of his own so I didn’t say anything. “Besides, I have some news for you.”

That got my attention. Jeff rarely had news. I was always the person delivering information about who was doing what, and where it was happening. “What kind of news?”

“I did it.”

I sat up and set my laptop on the side of the bed. “Did what?”

“I sent in the application to Carnegie Mellon.”

“No shit. Did Tucker help you?”

Jeff nodded. “He was amazing. After I finished my essay, he reviewed it better than any of those so called English geniuses at school could have ever done. Then he gave me a shit-load of advice on how to fix it up, and what the colleges wanted to see.”

“It helps that he’s working in the English Department at Pittsburgh University.”

“You can’t imagine, and...”

“And...?”

“...And he arranged to have a scout from the university come out to watch me play tomorrow.”

Jeff and I both stood up and hugged, sharing our excitement. “You should be a shoe-in with the way you’ve been playing.”

“I fucking hope so because Coach gave me some other news.”

I tilted my head to the side, curious about the coach’s revelation.

“He told me that on behalf of his four senior stars, his words, not mine, that he’d arranged for two other scouts to be at tomorrow’s game.”

“Really? From where?” I was hoping that my anxiety wasn’t showing, but I suddenly felt awful about the full meaning of all this.

“One is from Syracuse University and one is from University of Connecticut -- both in the Big East Conference.”

“Holy shit! That’s incredible!” I gave Jeff another hug, but he must have felt my tension.

“You don’t seem as excited as I thought you’d be. Remember, they’ll be focusing mostly on Matt and me, but I bet they’ll be watching you, too.”

“That’s great.” I knew I wasn’t much of an actor, and that my true feelings were pouring out despite my desire to hold them back.

“What the fuck’s the matter? I thought you’d be thrilled for me, hell, for us.”

“For us? What does this have to do with us?” I took a deep breath and continued, “This is a major deal for you, and probably Matt, too. You guys are the best there is, but I can’t help...”

Jeff looked so fucking confused, and I felt like the shittiest boyfriend possible for being so damn selfish. I moved back to the bed and sat on the edge, trying to keep myself together, but not doing a very good job of it.

Jeff kept looking at me, probably wondering why I wasn’t flying as high as he was about this fabulous news. Then I felt his hand on my shoulder, “Newbie?”

I looked back up at Jeff, trying to hold back the tears that were itching to break loose. “Yeah?”

“Is this about me going away?” I turned my head, too embarrassed to admit that he’d hit the fucking nail on the head. “Hey, you should know by now how I feel about you.”

“I do, but...”

“No buts about it. Even if I go away to college, it’s not like I’m heading to another planet, or even across the country. The farthest away I’d be going would be just a short plane ride. We could see each other a few times every semester.”

I nodded and then choked out, “I know that, but I get the feeling if you go to one of those places, you’re going to find a lot of very willing guys -- especially being a star athlete. Not many gay guys like you exist.”

“Not many gay guys like me have someone like you at home waiting and caring about them.”

I knew Jeff was being rational and I was acting like a fucking, silly faggot so I tried to demonstrate a positive attitude. “Just don’t forget it when you get offered the great deals from those huge universities.”

“I haven’t been offered anything, yet.”

“You will be. You’re too good not to get offers. Let’s face it, you’re the best in the league.”

Jeff looked at me and must have seen that I was trying to be supportive. He sat down beside me and just held me. I knew he’d get offers from both those universities, and he’d be a fool not to take one of them. Not only did they have great basketball teams, but they also had pretty damn good school programs.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 

That night at Britin, Jeff and I made love slowly and romantically. I was clinging to him as if he were leaving the next day rather than in ten months. He seemed to understand my concern; maybe he’d felt that way, too, but this was something he couldn’t just throw away on a teen romance. We weren’t fucking Romeo and Juliet.

Jeff fell asleep almost immediately after we cleaned up, but I found myself lost in thought and unable to relax, so I decided to go downstairs and get a glass of milk and maybe a half sandwich. That might help knock me out and I needed my rest for the game the next day.

When I got to the kitchen, I was surprised to find Dad in there having a cup of tea and writing something on his laptop.

“Hey, Sonny Boy, what brings you down here at this hour of the night?” He looked up briefly when he took a sip of his tea and then continued staring at the computer screen while I got my milk and took out the bread for a peanut butter and avocado sandwich.

“Just thinking too much. What about you? I could ask you the same thing.”

“Sometimes I start getting ideas for a presentation or a new angle on a flat campaign, and I don’t want to wait until morning in case I lose some of my mental momentum,” Dad smiled.

“Glad to hear that Kinnetik’s mastermind is still at the top of his game. I wouldn’t want to go hungry or anything,” I smirked and walked over to the table with my food and drink.

“Okay, Gus, stop beating around the bush. While I’ve spent many nights in this kitchen, this is the first I’ve been accompanied by you -- fess up.”

I looked at Dad, took a bite of my sandwich, a long gulp of milk and after swallowing went into the entire story. He nodded to show he was listening but didn’t interrupt once. “...Anyway, I can’t help feeling, oh, I don’t know, a little lost thinking Jeff may not be with me next year. Pretty fucking selfish, huh?”

Dad hit a couple of keys on his laptop and pushed it away. He then took another sip of tea. “You know, there was a time I felt pretty close to what you’re feeling now.”

“No shit? I thought you never had boyfriends in school, so there was no one to miss when you all went off to college.”

“You’re right. I had no boyfriends, and almost no ties to home except for Michael and Deb.”

“So you left, free and clear.”

“That’s right, I left for college free and clear, but I’m talking about a time twelve years later.”

“Huh?” He totally lost me, and then I thought a moment, “You mean when Pop went off to New York?”

“Yep. When Justin went to New York, I didn’t think I’d ever see him again.”

“That’s ridiculous. Pop has told me a zillion times how much he loved you by then, and that he never planned to let you out of his life.”

“Justin knew that, but I somehow couldn’t imagine him not falling in love with New York City and at least one man better than me who lived there.”

“What did you do? Did you tell Pop how you felt?”

“No, I didn’t want to hold him back, or make him feel guilty for following a dream that may, or may not work out.”

“But everything did work out.”

“Only because Justin wouldn’t let me forget how much I loved him, and how much he loved me.”

“So what do I do?”

“If you really love and care about Jeff and his future, you let him go wherever he needs to go to make his future secure.”

“Just like that?”

“Just like that. If you two are meant to be together, you’ll find a way.” Then Dad laughed, “If Justin and I could do it, then any couple who really loves each other can.”

“Dad, it hurts just thinking about him not being here -- even for a minute.”

“Love hurts. I found that out in many different ways.” Dad paused to make sure I was listening. “But when love is honest and unconditional, it’s worth the pain because the pleasure is a million times better.”

“I hope I can be as smart as you when I deal with Jeff. I do love him, Dad, and I want what’s best for him.”

“It sounds like you already know what you have to do.”

I nodded, finished my snack and went back upstairs, leaving Dad to tap away at his computer keyboard.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 

The next day, right before the game started, Tucker and Coach both approached Jeff to inform him that the three expected scouts were all sitting in the stands.

I took a deep breath, put on the brightest smile I possibly could and went over to Jeff. “You play the best fucking game of your life, today. I will, too, to back you up.”

“But what about all that shit about us being apart?” Jeff looked confused.

“If we love each other for real, it won’t fucking matter. You need to focus on your future and show those guys that you’re the best they could possibly get.”

Jeff and I were very careful not to get all touchy in the locker room, but he grabbed me in a quick bear hug and whispered in my ear, “Thank you, I needed to hear that.”

I nodded and then we heard our team being called to the court.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 

All those weeks ago, Jeff played the game of his life. The three scouts made offers that he and Tucker were negotiating and discussing.

With Dad and Pop’s help and support, I kept my mouth shut and put on a good front -- not even asking any questions about where Jeff was steering.

As school break for the Christmas and New Year’s holidays was approaching, I knew that Jeff had to make his final decision.

I thought a lot about Dad and Pop, and what it must have been like having to say good-bye, not knowing when or where they’d see each other again. Pop led the charge and didn’t let Dad fuck up their relationship, but Dad also made sure to give Pop all the room he needed to grow and make his own choices.

Now it was my turn to be a strong and supportive partner. I knew he’d tell me something soon -- I just hoped that I would do the Taylor and Kinney legacy proud and accept Jeff’s decision without batting an eye.

[TBC]
 

Return to The Gus Diaries