The Gus Diaries

Part 60

Working Through Trouble
 

Last week was one of the toughest weeks of my life. It reminded me of when Pop was in the hospital, only this time there was no surgery that could fix the problem. Even worse, this was not by choice. Uncle Ben was put in the hospital because after developing a stupid cold, it got worse and the medicine he takes to keep his HIV under control stopped the antibiotics from killing an infection he had growing inside him.

I didn’t know what to do. The first day Uncle Ben was in the hospital I went straight there after the weekly meeting of the school paper. That asshole Jeremy notices everything and tried to ask me what was wrong. He picked the wrong day to try to be nice because I told him to fuck-off in the meanest, angriest voice I could muster and it must have worked because he backed away quickly, not saying another word.

When I arrived in the area just outside Uncle Ben’s room I knew I’d find Dad and Pop there, but I also saw Grandma Debbie and Carl. Uncle Michael was in with Uncle Ben and Jenny was with Mem.

“Hey, Sonny Boy.” Dad was the first one to see me arrive.

“Hey.”

“How was school?”

“It sucked, but I got two A’s on a couple of papers I wrote last week.”

“That’s the Kinney mind in action.”

Pop added in, “That’s the writing genius of Gus Taylor Kinney.”

I smiled, knowing they were trying to lighten the atmosphere.

“Why are you all sitting out here? Is Uncle Ben sleeping?”

“No honey,” Grandma walked over to give me a hug and it wasn’t nearly as strong as it should have been from her. “The doctor is talking with Michael and Ben, so we all had to get out of the room.”

“Oh. Was Jenny here earlier? I wanted to catch her.”

Everyone got quiet after my question. I looked from one to the other but no one wanted to answer, until finally Pop came over and sat next to me. “Gus, Jenny was asked to come down and visit with Ben, but she refused.”

“Why the fuck would she do that?” It just flew out of my mouth before I could censor myself.

“Because, Gus, she doesn’t want to see Uncle Ben dying.”

“What! Are you telling me he’s dying?”

“No, no! I’m telling you Jenny is afraid that he’s dying. She’s always been taught, apparently, that HIV has terrible consequences -- and that’s correct. But she’s never been really told about all the medical advancements. Unfortunately, she’s convinced herself that Ben won’t come out of the hospital.”

“But Pop, that’s totally fucked. Why doesn’t anyone talk to her?” I started pacing in front of my family wondering why no one was dragging her down to the hospital to see Uncle Ben so she’d know he was okay.

“It’s not that simple, Sonny Boy.”

“Why the fuck not?”

“Because Ben’s survival is never a guarantee.” Dad came over and put his arm around my shoulders and squeezed gently, but didn’t let go. “The last time this happened, the doctors explained to Michael that with each admission, and with each illness and its possible complications, there is a greater risk for less than positive outcomes.”

“I don’t understand.” I’d been in Canada so long that the only times I’d ever seen Uncle Ben was when he was healthy. “I know shit like this happened before, but was it this bad?”

“Twice before, while you were living in Toronto.”

I shrugged off Dad’s arm and sat next to Pop for a minute, trying to absorb what I’d just learned.

“But what about Jenny?”

Pop rubbed my back as he spoke, “Jenny seems to have her own ideas about what will happen, and she also has some ideas about how to avoid being involved.”

“I don’t understand.” I seemed to be saying that a lot.

“I think you might want to talk to your sister directly. She seems to think if she doesn’t see Uncle Ben sick then he won’t be sick -- or something like that.”

I looked at Pop with a confused face. “Gus, your sister isn’t even twelve years old. She’s confused and...”

“And in fucking denial.”

“That about sums it up, Sonny Boy.” I looked up at Dad, hoping he was smirking but instead his brow was furrowed and his face distraught.

At that moment Uncle Michael came out of the room. “Honey, how’s he doing?”

“They don’t know, Ma. They think he might be stabilizing but they’re not sure. His white count is still fucking high and they want to get the infection totally in check before they decide what to do about his HIV meds and possibly doing some changing to avoid this in the future.” Then Uncle Michael looked down at the floor, “For as long as possible.”

Dad walked over to Uncle Michael and grabbed him by the shoulders. He then held Uncle Michael’s face in his hands and lifted it to look at him. “Mikey, we’ve been down this road before. Ben’s a fucking fighter. He also believes in all that Zen bullshit that makes him stronger from within. That holier-than-thou husband of yours will be preaching to us and serving us shitty tofu casseroles for more years to come than even I’d like to imagine.”

Uncle Michael gripped Dad tightly and Dad held him just as tight, if not tighter.

Watching them stirred something inside me. I knew I had to leave. I picked up my backpack and messenger bag with my computer and started discretely walking down the hall.

A moment later Pop caught up with me. “Where are you going? Don’t you want to see Uncle Ben?”

“Yes, of course... but I can’t.” I turned my head away from Pop. I was embarrassed and couldn’t look him in the eyes.

“Gus, it’s okay to be scared. We’re all scared, but Dad and I know that Ben and Michael need our support right now. That’s what family does when one member of the family is feeling weak. The rest of us come together to make up for the temporary weakness.”

“Is it temporary? Can you guarantee that?”

Pop started brushing his hand through my hair. “Nothing is guaranteed. You know that. Anything can happen to any of us at any given time. But we can look forward and see the good that we want to happen. Sometimes the power of positive thinking can be a powerful tool in healing.”

I looked at Pop, somewhat accusatorially. “Do you think that’s going to do any fucking good? You sound like Uncle Ben.”

Pop had a small smile on his face. “I do believe that it does good. I also believe in quite a bit of what Ben talks about. I can’t imagine that some of the things I’ve survived didn’t have to do with Karma, faith and positive thinking. Even more so, I couldn’t imagine your father and I being married and living with you in our home fulltime without some special positive thinking.”

“Do you really think it’ll help?”

“I do, but that’s just me.”

I hugged Pop, knowing what I needed to do. “I’ve got to go, but I’ll be back.”

“Where are you going?”

“I’ll be back soon, I promise.” I left my bags with Pop.

“Okay, just be careful. We’re going to be here for a while. Deb arranged for the diner to bring us all something to eat when it nears dinnertime.”

“Good.” I ran out of the hospital, and knowing what I had to do, made sure that I had enough money in my wallet.

I quickly caught a cab to Mem’s apartment.

When I got there I rang the doorbell, realizing I’d never asked either of my moms for keys to their new places. I knew it was something I should think about, but not right now.

“Gus, sweetie, I’m glad to see you.”

“Me, too, Mem. Is Jenny here?”

Mem nodded, “She’s in the bedroom watching TV.” Then, Mem noticed how rushed I looked. “Did you just come from the hospital? Is everything okay?”

“Everything’s the same as far as I know. I need to see Jenny. She needs to get her ass over there.”

“I know, but we also need to go easy on her. She’s just a little girl.”

I looked at Mem and saw the loving, worried mother that I loved so much but hadn’t really understood for most of my life. “She’s not that little. And she’s eleven going on twenty-two most of the time, just ask her.”

Mem huffed a little laugh, “Isn’t that the truth?” She shook her head and huffed again.

I went into the second bedroom and saw Jenny lying on her bed watching some old TV shows that I don’t even think she really liked. When I opened the door she looked over towards me. “Hey, Gus.”

“Hey, Jenny. What’s up?”

“Not much. I’m just watching some of this happily ever after bullshit from decades ago.”

I looked at the TV. “Yeah, I’d definitely agree. That crap is definitely all bullshit.”

“So, are you staying for dinner with Mem and me?”

“No, you’re coming with me.”

“Where?”

“To visit your Dad.” I waited for some sort of nasty explosion or vile response. All she did was lay on her bed silently, ignoring me.

“Jenny, he needs you and you need him.”

“Why? Why do I need to see him looking like that?” I could see her beginning to curl into fetal position an inch at a time. She used to do that when the moms argued, when we were younger.

I sat on the bed with her and held her. It had been a long time since I’d had to do something like this. I whispered in her ear, “You need to be there to show him how much you believe he’ll heal. You need to be there to add to all the positive energy from the closest members of the family. But most of all, you need to be there to share the strength of your love for your Dad with him.”

“I can’t go. I saw Daddy. He was crying when he found out Dad had to go into the hospital. HE knows it’s bad.”

I kept my voice soft, but made my point clear. “Of course it’s fucking bad -- otherwise he wouldn’t be in the hospital. But I really believe Uncle Ben will get better. If he sees we believe it, then he will, too. You know how much your Dad believes in all that shit.”

Jenny leaned into me and started to cry. “I don’t want to see my Dad sick and my Daddy so worried.”

“I know you don’t. I don’t like it either.” Then I squeezed her tighter, “How about if I go in with you? We can combine our positive energy, like the superheroes in one of your daddy’s comics.”

She picked up her tear-stained face and looked directly at me. “Will you really go in with me? Promise?”

“Come on. Let’s see if Mem will take us there.”

Mem gave me a kiss on the cheek and thanked me when she saw that I’d gotten through to Jenny. She was more than willing to take us to the hospital.

When we arrived, I noticed that Mom had joined the family. My guess was that by the end of the evening, the entire clan would be in the waiting area.

“Gus, you’re back.” Pop looked up and smiled at me. Then he noted who was with me. “I see you thought about our conversation earlier.”

“I did. Thank you.” Pop just nodded in response.

Uncle Michael came out of the room and saw Jenny. His eyes lit up in a way that made me smile, despite all the fear I still felt. “Honeyb...”

Jenny looked at her daddy and ran into his arms. “It’s okay for today, Daddy. I kind of want to be your Honeybun today.”

Uncle Michael gave her a bear hug and kissed her on the cheek with a smack. “You know you’re really my Honeybun every day?”

Jenny smiled and looked at Uncle Michael. “I know.”

I approached her slowly and Dad seemed to hover behind me. “Are you ready?”

“Are you?” I nodded.

Then Dad came up behind both of us. “This is your decision.” He turned from me to Jenny. “No one is forcing you to go visit anyone if it makes you feel uncomfortable.”

Jenny spoke up first, “I know, Uncle Brian. But I love my Dad and he needs to know that.”

“Gus, what about you?”

“Someone told me that the power of positive thinking has merits we may not be fully aware of. I’d like to try out that theory.”

Dad immediately looked towards Pop who blushed and smiled a very meek smile. “My guess is you got that advice from the wisest person I know.” Then he looked back at both of us. “Just stay with Ben for as long as you feel comfortable and don’t tire him out. Michael told me he’s been pretty out of it today -- not very coherent.”

“Okay, Dad.”

I held Jenny’s hand and we went inside. Uncle Ben was hooked up to a couple of monitors that continually beeped rhythmically and there was an IV in his arm with a couple of bags attached. I was pretty sure that’s how they were getting him his much needed antibiotics. His eyes were closed so I thought he was asleep but when he heard us enter, his eyelids began to flutter. He was pale, but not as bad as I expected and when he smiled at us the whole room warmed, despite the drab white all around.

Jenny stayed back a bit and I approached the bed first. “Hey, Uncle Ben.”

“Hey, buddy. How’re you doing?”

I laughed, “I’m fine, but I have a feeling I can’t say the same for you.”

“I’ve been better, but I’ve also been worse.” He paused a moment to make sure Jenny was listening from her spot a few inches inside the room. “The good news is that the doctor came in today and said the infection is finally going away.”

“For real? That’s great. Dad said that when your white cell count started getting back in balance that would be a good sign. Is that what happened?”

“When did ad executives become part-time diagnosticians?” He smiled again.

“I guess when they had husbands who needed surgery and therapy and all that other shit.”

Uncle Ben nodded slightly. “I see your point. And, yes, my white cell count is returning to normal and my HIV levels are balancing quite nicely as well. I should be out of here in just a couple of days.”

“That’s great. This place is really depressing. You’d think they’d have learned by now that these depressing walls and decor would keep anyone sick.”

Uncle Ben chuckled a little, “You are definitely Brian Kinney’s son.” I just smiled.

As I sat down on the chair next to the bed, out of the corner of my eye I saw Jenny slowly approach the bed on the other side.

“Hello, Princess. I’m so glad you came.” Uncle Ben smiled at her in such a loving way. It was obvious how much he loved her. Probably as much as Pop loves me.

“Hi, Dad. I’m sorry I...”

“Ah, ah, ah, no reason to be sorry. Being sick is scary enough for me, and Daddy and Hunter, but for a young girl -- well, I just can’t imagine. I’m just glad you decided to visit.”

When she got close enough to the bed, Uncle Ben patted a little spot on the edge and Jenny sat there. She immediately took his hand and he brought both their hands to his lips and kissed her hand so sweetly. “Dad, are you really getting better? I read on the internet that every time an HIV positive person goes in the hospital, there’s a chance he may not come out.”

“You know, Princess, there are some pretty scary things out there on the internet. A lot of it is true.” I saw her wince a little. “But what you have to remember is that everyone is different, and everyone fights any disease in their own way. Remember, I don’t just fight with medicine, I fight with exercise, healthy eating, spiritual awareness and the love of my family. That’s more ammunition than most people have.”

For the first time I saw a genuine smile begin to creep across Jenny’s face. “So that means you have a better chance of living a long life?”

“You bet. My plan is to see your children have children.” Jenny, tough little Jenny, actually giggled and blushed.

“I love you, Dad. Can I hug you?”

Uncle Ben patted his right side where there were no monitors or IV tubes. “Come right here. That hug will help me feel better even quicker.” She leaned in and hugged him. I wished I’d had a camera. The caption would read, ‘True love’.

I heard a fake coughing sound from behind me and noticed Uncle Michael had entered the room with Hunter. Uncle Ben’s face lit up once again, “Hey, Partner, you made it. I wasn’t sure you could get away.”

“And miss this fun-filled family reunion. You know, you’ve got to start looking into better places for us to vacation.”

All of us started laughing. Hunter was perfect at lightening the mood.

I squeezed Uncle Ben’s hand and slowly backed out of the room to leave the four of them alone. When I got outside Dad and Pop each gave me a hug. Then Dad put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed. “I’m proud of you, Sonny Boy.”

“For visiting Uncle Ben?”

“No, for bringing a companion with you to visit.”

Dad and I looked into each other’s eyes. We’re the same height now. I knew, without asking, the depths of what he meant.

“Oh, and by the way, Gus...”

“Yeah, Pop.”

“Michael asked if we could have Thanksgiving at our place, but they want to do a lot of the cooking -- in gratitude.”

“That’s cool.” Then I thought a minute. “That better not mean the main course will be tofurkey!”

Everyone in the waiting area started laughing and Grandma Deb added, “No fucking way, I want my drumstick!”
 

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