The Gus Diaries

Part 56

Tricking
 

I’ve finally begun digging into all the Rage issues Uncle Michael gave me. There are so many that I’ve hesitated starting them, thinking I’d never get through them all and it might get in the way of school if I became too interested in the stories. Let’s face it, I know that a lot of the stories mirror how Uncle Michael and Pop viewed their real lives with Dad, as they were writing.

I’d already gotten through the first couple of years of the comic when I reached one issue that sort of turned my stomach. I know that while art imitates life, it’s not one hundred percent accurate, but this one just threw me off my game.

I kept looking at one illustration in particular and couldn’t help feeling sick to my stomach... not just because of the picture, but because of the message that seemed to come through behind the illustration.

I’d seen plenty of tough moments in the comic already. This was clearly NOT a comic for kids or homophobes. I remember seeing one issue that had Rage castrating a guy and shoving his dick in his mouth. I’d asked Dad about it and he said that it was an issue completed while Pop was working out some residual anger over his bashing.

“See the guy being castrated, Gus?”

“Yeah, Dad.”

“That’s the fucker that took a bat to Justin’s head.”

“Shit!”

“Shit is right. Neither one of us will ever forget that and the pain that it brought into our lives.”

“I think I’ll refrain from asking Pop about it.”

“I think that’s a wise decision, at least for a while.”

But this issue was creepier. Rage (looking too much like Dad for my comfort, in this drawing) was covered in ugly welts or sores. JT asks him if he’ll ever stop fucking around. It’s another fucking angry issue and it also seems filled with pain.

When I looked at the date of the comic, the release was right around the time I moved to Canada and Pop moved to New York City. I know it takes a while to go from the initial illustrations and copy to print and distribution, so counting back it seems like this was probably written shortly before Dad proposed to Pop.

They’ve both told me the good parts of that time frame but this just seems gruesome. Something must have happened that they left out in all those retellings of the tale of how they finally got together permanently.

I decided that night to talk to Pop. After all, he was the one who helped write the story, and besides, Dad was out at a late meeting at Kinnetik. He and Uncle Ted were wining and dining the area rep for Macy’s.

Pop and I sat down to a dinner of burgers and fries, which we love, and Dad grumbles about -- too many calories, too much fat, too many carbs. So we have dinners like this on nights that Dad isn’t around, which isn’t too often lately.

I was trying to figure out a way to ask about the comic without sounding nervous or accusatory when Pop interrupted my thoughts, “Hey Gus, I can hear the wood burning in that overactive brain of yours. What’s up?”

I looked down, still not sure how to ask.

“Gus, this must be big.” I nodded. “Why don’t we clean up and then move into the living room and relax on the sofa? That way we can both be comfortable.”

“Okay,” was all I could muster. We cleaned up in an atmosphere of tension-filled quiet, and finally made our way to the front living room. Pop lit the logs in the fireplace and joined me on the sofa.

“It’s more relaxing with the fire going on these cool fall nights.” He paused and looked at me with concern in his eyes. Pop was always concerned about everyone. “Is this something about Jeff or school?”

I took a deep breath and finally found my voice, “It’s about something I read in one of the Rage comics from a long time ago.”

“I see you’ve finally started them. Brian mentioned that you’d already had a few questions about them. What’s up?”

“Well, Pop, this particular comic really shocked me.” I told him which issue I’d been reading.

He nodded and ran his hand through his hair. “I see. That was a rough time for your father and me.”

“I can tell. But what does it really mean? Was something wrong with Dad? I know he had cancer at one point, but that was covered a couple of issues earlier in the comic. Did he have a recurrence or is this something else?”

“Well, Gus, it wasn’t the cancer. We’ve been blissfully fortunate that your Dad’s been cancer free for over eleven years.”

“So what happened, and why did JT seem so fucking angry?”

Pop sighed, “I kind of wish Brian was here too, but I know he wouldn’t want me to lie to you.” I kept looking at Pop, waiting for him to continue. “Your father was sick and so was our relationship at the time.”

“How so?” I tried to keep my voice in check.

“You remember that we told you I went out to California to make, Rage - The Movie?”

“Yeah, I remember. You both said you missed each other and when you got back together it was great.”

“It was great, really great.” Pop had a far-off look with a smile on his face. “But then, I think your Dad didn’t trust that I’d stay, and he also began to feel his age.”

“I’m not sure what you mean.”

“To defeat all those nasty insecurities, your father and I began to trick more often. I really wasn’t as into it anymore, but he was. To be honest, I only tricked when we were doing it in a group -- together.

“In the meantime, I watched Michael and Ben begin to set up a life for themselves, including everything AND the kitchen sink -- they had just bought the house they live in to this day. My longing turned to envy, and that turned to resentment, knowing that Brian wouldn’t give me some sort of equivalent. I didn’t want to be as comfy cozy as Michael and Ben, but I wanted more of a commitment from Brian than he seemed willing to give.”

“So what happened to cause the issue and Rage’s illness?”

“While it could have happened to either one of us, Brian discovered he had syphilis. I was lucky not to have it, too, but I resented the fact that one of many nameless tricks could have given it to him.”

“How? I thought you were both always careful.”

“We were, but not as careful with blow jobs.”

“Shit!”

“That about sums it up. I became more and more dissatisfied with tricking when I was supposed to be in a relationship with only one person.” Then Pop shook his head. “Don’t get me wrong, I still liked tricking, but only as a fun, alternative way of having sex with Brian. I think it became more of a badge of honor for Brian. Tricking, and attracting tricks, was like a badge of honor for him and he wasn’t willing to give it up -- at all -- whether he was with me or without me.”

“So what did you do?”

“I left him. Not in a dramatic, argumentative way, but in a way that was more resigned to the knowledge that we would never really be the couple I hoped for.”

“So how did you get back together? Was that when the bomb happened and Dad proposed?”

“You know, Gus, some might think so, but I don’t.”

“How do you see it?”

“We started running into each other all over town. Your father continued to show how much he supported his family and friends despite anything that was happening in our lives.

“All I wanted to do, every time I saw him, was to go up to him and hold him and rest my head against his chest. In many ways I think he wanted that, too.”

“So why didn’t you?”

“We were both too fucking proud. Sometimes assholes like us need a bomb to explode, to become the final catalyst, and lead us in a direction that would otherwise take 10 times longer.”

“Were you happy when you finally got back together?”

Pop took my hand in his. “More than you could ever imagine. I loved, and still love, your father very deeply. I believe he got past his need to prove himself through tricks.”

“So that’s when you got engaged but postponed the marriage until after your stint in New York?”

“Something like that. Just know, Gus, that while we had some huge ups and downs, I never stopped loving your father, and I know now, that he never stopped loving me.”

“Then why trick at all? I couldn’t deal with Jeff being with another guy, especially while we’re together.” This is something that had really been on my mind for a while now.

“That’s a pretty loaded question Gus. One that I think I’d like to have your father here to answer with me.”

“So can we arrange that?”

“What?”

“For you and Dad to be here at the same time and answer that question, because for the life of me, I can’t understand how the two of you could be so in love and still trick. In fact, I can’t imagine why anyone would trick so often -- and from what I hear, Dad broke records.”

Pop stood up and walked back and forth in front of the fireplace. “This is so hard to explain. It’s a life choice that we made.”

“I do want to talk about this. It’s been bothering me for a while.”

“Okay.”

“Okay what?”

“Okay we’ll talk about this. Tomorrow morning at breakfast the three of us can decide on a time that we’ll all be home for a while, alone. I’d rather discuss this when Jeff isn’t around.”

I nodded and hoped that I would be able to understand the reasoning behind their actions and choices because right now I was just confused.

After all, there would have been no syphilis (which totally grossed me out just thinking about it) if my dads hadn’t been tricking when they were together. Maybe some of Mem’s nasty words about my Dad hadn’t been all wrong. I just hope that wasn’t true.
 

Return to The Gus Diaries