The Gus Diaries

Part 46

Steps to Growing Up
 

A few days ago I had a fucking wet dream. It was my third in as many weeks. Considering I’m almost 15 that wouldn’t seem like such a surprise, except it’s not like I’m not getting enough with Jeff. The only trouble is that I keep having the same dream over and over.

I keep dreaming that he’s fucking me. Well, it’s really more than that. I dream that he’s licking me, touching me, whispering to me all these incredibly hot AND romantic things and then the dream always ends the same.

He slips his beautiful long cock inside me and makes love to me, face to face, my legs wrapped around him, kissing me and finally, without even touching my cock once, he pushes in one last time and cries out that he loves me and I do the same and then...I wake up...all wet and sticky and alone.

It’s less than a month until my birthday and ever since I had the idea that day would be THE day I can’t go a week without a wet dream, imagining how amazing making love with Jeff will be. It’s not like I have a lot to imagine. We’ve done everything else, but it’s as if hearing MJ in the back of my mind has always helped put the brakes on.

I knew I had to have time alone with MJ to really talk about this, amongst some other things that have been on my mind.

The other big hurdle -- I really wanted to gain the confidence to talk with Dad. If I wanted to take this kind of a grown up step in my life I shouldn’t be embarrassed to admit it, especially to my very hot Dad. I don’t really think he’s hot, but I’m also not blind, deaf and dumb. I’ve heard a lot of stories and seen a lot of pictures. He was (and probably still is with MJ) the ultimate top.

I needed to make time to talk to MJ, then I’d deal with my Dad...but first, as always, I had to clean myself and my sheets. Cleaning sheets doesn’t seem nearly as annoying after Jeff and I have totally messed them up, but when it’s from a wet dream, well, this is just a fucking chore.

When I finally got downstairs I found MJ sitting on the patio sketching. He had his coffee on a little table to the side of his chaise and he seemed pretty focused on the grounds extending behind the house.

I got my own coffee and a couple of pieces of toast. For some reason I didn’t feel all that hungry.

“Hey.”

“Hey, Gus. Good morning.” Then he looked at what I was eating as I sat down near him. “Is that all you’ve got? Let me make you a healthy breakfast.”

“No, don’t get up. I’m just not very hungry this morning.”

“Aren’t you feeling well?” MJ put down his sketch pad and started getting up to feel my forehead, no doubt. He could give any parent a run for their money in the worrying department.

“I’m fine, MJ.” He sat down but didn’t pick up his pad. “I’m sorry if I interrupted you. Do you need to keep working?”

“No, I was just relaxing. This is for nothing in particular -- at least not for the time being. However, you look like you must have a lot on your mind.”

I took a little sip of my coffee and a small bite of toast and then looked at him. “Is Dad home?”

He looked a bit taken aback. He must have thought I didn’t want to talk to him. “He had to go into Kinnetik for a little while this morning, but he’ll be back by lunchtime. Do you want to call him? He’d always make time for you, you know that.”

“Kind of like you.” I smiled a little at MJ and that seemed to bring a little smile to his face as it mingled with concern.

“Yeah, kind of like me.”

“Well, I actually wanted to talk to you alone, that’s why I asked.”

“Oh. Is there something I can help you with? Any more questions from your foray into Rage?”

“Actually, I do have some questions about some of those stories and what they represent but that’s not why I wanted to talk with you.”

“Okay. Care to give me a clue? Are you angry with someone, is this more about your Mom?”

“No, not this time. It’s about me, and about us -- you and me.”

“I’m not sure I’m following you, so why don’t you give me another clue or two.” MJ moved from the chaise he was sitting on to sketch, to a chair at the table, bringing his coffee. He sat down near me.

It felt really good knowing that no matter what, he seemed to drop everything for me.

“MJ, I love Jeff.”

“I know, I can tell.” He didn’t smirk, just smiled and nodded.

“He loves me too.”

“I can tell that also. It’s pretty obvious every time he’s near you that you’re in love with each other. Gay kids don’t usually end up as lucky as the two of you.”

“I know, I’ve read a lot of the statistics.” I paused to take a deep breath and look directly into MJ’s eyes, “I think I’m ready.”

“Ready? Oh -- ready.” He nodded.

“I know you think I should wait until I’m older, but I think I’d like to...” he patiently looked at me without saying anything, “I think I’d like to make love with Jeff on my birthday.”

“I see.” He held my gaze steadily and seemed to be thinking before he spoke. That’s one of the great things about MJ; he doesn’t just react to everything, he really thinks about things.

“Gus, if I looked on a chart and calculated all the teen relationships that didn’t last, gay or straight, it would probably go through the roof.” I was feeling pretty fucking anxious at this point but I didn’t interrupt him. “However, you and Jeff seem to really respect and love each other in a much more mature way than many people twice your age.”

I nodded, still not quite sure where this was heading.

“I gave you advice a long time ago, when your relationship was new and now I have to trust that you’ve seen all the relationships in our family and all the different ways they’ve played out. If you feel that you’re ready to take the risk of literally letting someone in, then I have to trust that you know yourself better than anyone else possibly can.”

“So, it’s okay.” I really wanted his approval or agreement or I don’t know what.

“What I’m saying is that if YOU think it’s okay, I’ll respect that. I was older than you when I met your father and he was my first, well, my first everything. In many ways, the fact that you two have waited this long is a credit to your maturity and intelligence. Just promise me one thing...”

“What’s that?”

“Promise me that even though you’re both seemingly monogamous that you will always use condoms...”

“Do you and Dad always use condoms?”

“You didn’t let me finish.”

“Sorry, go ahead.” He nodded at me and took my hand between his.

“Promise me that you’ll always use condoms until the time that you feel you would be ready to make a true lifetime commitment.”

“You mean like marriage -- like you and Dad?”

“That’s exactly what I mean.” He squeezed my hand gently and somehow it felt like he was giving me some of his wisdom or maturity or just plain support in that one little gesture.

“MJ, you and Dad...well, you and Dad don’t use condoms anymore, do you?”

“Is that a question or a statement?” He smiled this sweet half-smile.

“It’s a little of both I guess.”

He removed his hands from mine and placed them squarely on the table. “Brian and I decided, when I returned from New York City many years ago, that we only needed or wanted each other. We were pretty damn sure that it was a lifetime decision. We waited almost eight months, getting tested regularly to confirm what we already knew about our heath status, and then we decided that condoms were no longer necessary in our relationship.”

“That’s fucking amazing. You really waited a long time.”

“There’s more.” I nodded and let him continue. “We also made a commitment to be totally honest with each other about absolutely everything. If either of us ever, let’s say strayed, we wouldn’t try to cover it up. We’d work through it, deal with it and use condoms again until it was safe.”

I looked at him. “Did that ever happen?”

MJ looked directly into my eyes and brushed my hair from my forehead. “No. When we made our commitment we had been a couple, despite the bumps, for many years. Neither of us has found any reason to look elsewhere. But we were together for almost nine years by the time that happened.”

“I understand, and I promise.”

“Good.”

“MJ, do you think Dad will be upset when he learns that I like to well, let Jeff be the one in charge a lot of the time?”

MJ wore a big smile on his face. “I think he’ll understand a lot more than you know.”

I wondered what he really meant by that answer but decided to leave it alone for now. There was one more important thing I wanted to ask MJ and I wasn’t sure how he’d take it.

“Can I ask you one more thing?”

“You really have a lot on your mind this morning. Sure, go ahead.”

“You know that I’ve really thought of you as one of my fathers for a long time.”

“I do, and I’m so proud that you honored me by taking my name.”

“Well, you also know that my moms wouldn’t let me call you ‘Daddy’.”

He put his head down, “Yes, I know.”

“Well, it’s always been fun calling you MJ, but you really are more than ‘My Justin’. You are my father. But I already have Dad and the name Daddy sounds kind of babyish at this point in my life. I’d love to call you ‘Pop’ -- if that’s okay with you.”

Justin stood up and paced briefly. He brushed his hand gently through his hair and turned back to me. His eyes were wet.

He nodded, “Gus, that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever offered me. I’d be honored to be called Pop by the only person I could ever imagine having as a son.”

I stood up and hugged Pop for what seemed like ages. We both had tears running down our faces.

When we pulled back, Pop snorted, “It’s a good thing Brian isn’t here or he’d be making fun of the two of us.”

“You’re right. But I wouldn’t give a shit. Thank you so much, Pop. I haven’t felt this good, and settled, in a while. You’re the best.”

“Thank you.” He hugged me one more time. “You’d better finish that little breakfast you made. I think I’d better call your Dad.”

“How much are you going to tell him?” I was a bit nervous.

“I’m just going to tell him that you’re growing up and how happy you’ve made me. It’s up to you to tell him the rest.”

“Today.”

He nodded, “Tonight or this afternoon will be soon enough. Remember, one of the things that makes your Dad and me a good couple is that we don’t keep secrets.”

I understood and smiled my agreement. I didn’t have to tell Dad every little detail, but enough so that he understood what I was giving myself for my birthday.

After going in the kitchen to make his call, Pop (it’s so cool to use a father-term for Justin) returned to the chaise, picked up his sketch pad and began drawing again. He wasn’t looking at the grounds anymore, but he had a huge smile on his face, his coffee forgotten on the table.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 

Dad came home at lunch time and he and Pop sat by the pool eating salads, laughing and smiling at each other. I think I’d really put Pop in a good mood and when he was happy, Dad was happy. Those two have some kind of incredible connection that defies everything else in the world.

I made myself a tuna salad sandwich and joined them. Now it was time to talk to Dad and I knew just how to do it.

“So Sonny Boy, glad you could join us.”

“Me, too. Did you hear?”

“You mean that Sunshine has another name? Yes, I probably heard the moment after you two discussed it.”

“And...”

“And what. It makes perfect sense to me and is long overdue in the making. Justin’s been your father as long as I have. I’m just sorry that your mothers didn’t have the sense to recognize it sooner.” I tilted my head down briefly and then looked at them both, “Well, at least this Taylor Kinney man had enough sense to correct that earlier error in judgment.”

Pop laughed, “Spoken like a true Kinney.”

“My DNA is all powerful and always in charge. You should know that, Sunshine.”

Pop just snorted and rolled his eyes.

I looked at Pop and he seemed to sense my need and nodded his agreement. “Dad, can we go for a little walk around the grounds of Britin -- just the two of us?”

Dad looked over at Pop, “It’s fine Brian. Gus and I had a long talk this morning and I think he’d like some time with you as well. Besides, I’ve suddenly felt quite artistically inspired and would like to head into my studio for a while.”

“Just emerge before dinner.” Dad leaned into Pop and the two kissed several times.

“Count on it. I’ll clean up the lunch dishes; you two take off.”

“You sure, Pop?”

“I’m sure.”

With that the two of us started to walk away from the patio and onto the extensive grounds.

We walked quietly for a few minutes. I wasn’t even sure how to start the conversation. “Gus, have you spoken to either of your mothers since last week?”

“I spoke with Mem a couple of days ago. She said that Mom found a psychiatrist to prescribe some anti-depressants and some other shit. Mom’s also seeing that psychologist you recommended.”

“I know she’s still at Deb’s. That’s probably a good thing. It’s about time she understood how a real mother cares for her children, even if they’re already adults.”

“Yeah, I think Mom likes it there. Mem said that she joked that she’s now in good company along with Pop, Uncle Em and even you.” Dad and I laughed at the little dig.

“How’s your sister?”

“She’s pissed off, hurt, surprised.”

“Your mother wasn’t herself when she said those things.”

“I know, but Jenny was really hurt. Mom practically told her that she really didn’t count as one of her kids. Fuck, Jenny’s eleven years old, she understood what Mom was more than implying.”

“I know. I spoke to Michael and he assured me that he and Ben have been giving her a little added TLC this week.”

“That’s good. I’ve been talking to her every day. She actually asked me if I really thought of her as my sister.”

“What did you say?”

“I told her that I wasn’t my Mom and that she was and always will be my sister. Nothing can separate us.”

“Good answer, Sonny Boy -- I’m proud of you.”

“Thanks...I hope you still are after what I have to say.”

“You’re making me a bit anxious here, Gus. The unknown tends to bring elevated anxiety.”

“I know and I’m sorry.”

“So how about telling me why we’re out here, and cut out all the bullshit. Just get to the point.” That’s my Dad.

“Okay, so here goes.” I paused briefly to collect my thoughts. “I think I’m about ready to have sex, well really make love with Jeff. I know you and Pop think I’m kinda young, but, well, I think we’re both pretty fucking mature and I hope you’re not mad.” When I finished I took a deep breath and just waited.

“I see.” Dad paused to think for a bit -- at least I think he was thinking. “Are you sure this is what you want?”

“Yeah Dad, I am. I was thinking about waiting until my birthday.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Okay, I understand your feelings and you are mature for your age. In fact you remind me of a seventeen year old I used to know.” I smiled at Dad, knowing exactly who he was talking about. “Have you and Justin discussed this in detail?”

I understood exactly what he meant. “Yes Dad, Pop and I talked a lot about feelings, physical shit and safety. He talked to me about being safe a lot and why it was so important even if we are monogamous. I promised him we’d be safe.”

“Good. What else did you talk about?”

This was the time to reveal the rest. “We also talked about the roles that men play when they’re having sex.”

“And, did you two get into some detail about what those roles indicate?”

“Yeah, we did.” We walked a few more yards before I continued. Then I stopped because I knew that if I couldn’t face my own father about this then I probably wasn’t as mature as I thought. “I’ll probably be the one bottoming more often than not. This isn’t a decision I just guessed at. I hope you understand that.”

“I didn’t think that you and Jeff were just kissing when you closed the door, if that’s what you mean.”

Dad was silent for a while but didn’t move, then he rolled in his lips a bit before he started talking. “Is this a decision you’re making to please Jeff, or one that you think he wants to hear?”

I looked directly, eye-to-eye at Dad. “No Dad, I love him and this is something I really want -- not 100% of the time, but most of the time...are you upset?”

“No.” We started walking again and he put his arm around my shoulders. “Truth be told, Gus, I’m also not really surprised.” He paused for a moment but I sensed that there was more. “I love you and want you to be happy AND safe. I know you promised Justin, but now I want you to promise me too -- that you will always be safe until you are in a virtually guaranteed, lifetime relationship.”

I turned and hugged Dad, “Yes, Dad, I promise! Thank you so much for understanding. I was kind of afraid to tell you.”

“You never have to be afraid to tell me anything. I will always love you unconditionally. Do you understand...always?”

“Yes, Dad.” We continued walking.

“There are only two people on the entire planet that I feel that way about...you and Justin. If you never remember anything else, always remember and KNOW that.”

“I will and I love you Dad.”

We continued to walk in silence for a long time. As we approached the house Dad finally spoke up, “You realize that if Jeff ever really hurts you I’ll have to have him killed.”

I looked at Dad and after a beat we both started laughing and Dad stuck his tongue into his cheek.

I really do love both my fathers. Dad and Pop; they’re amazing.

 

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