The Gus Diaries

Part 19

Hemangioma

Let me start by saying this past week totally sucked! I can’t believe how rough it’s been. I almost went to stay with my moms, but then I realized that if I’m trying to be the best man I can possibly be that would definitely defeat the purpose.

It all started after the fabulous ski trip we had last week. All of us had a great time on and off the slopes. The ride home was fun and we spent most of it laughing and joking and talking about some of the more creative spills we took. The best was when all four of us took a toboggan ride one evening. We steered slightly off the track and MJ, who was sitting in front because he’s by far the shortest, yelled, “Oh shit!”

Then we realized we were aiming for one of those stupid sleigh rides. (Now that’s a real pussy thing to do.) Anyway, we couldn’t figure out how to steer away fast enough so we just all rolled off the toboggan. MJ didn’t look too stupid, but the rest of us are six feet or taller. We must have looked like such assholes. Fortunately when we rolled off, Dad and MJ held onto the ropes that steer the sled and it stayed with us and the sleigh riders went unharmed.

We had other fun moments and we just rehashed all of them all the way home. Then MJ reminded me of a few times that I used to want to sing in car rides with him and Dad and I couldn’t help blushing. I was like eight years old. You’d think they’d cool it with my boyfriend in the car, but then I realized that they were talking about all that stupid shit because Jeff was in the car. He was laughing so hard that I thought he’d piss in his pants.

When we finally arrived at Grandma Jen’s house, I helped Jeff bring his stuff to the door. He looked at me, “You know, Gus, you’re pretty fucking lucky.”

“I guess.”

“You guess! You have so many people who care about you, including four parents. I don’t even have that anymore. I wish I had people who wanted to tease me in front of my boyfriend. It’s so fucking normal.”

“It is, isn’t it? I guess I am pretty lucky. I’m also pretty smart because I knew when it would be just the right time to ask to move in with my dads.”

“Huh?” Now it was Jeff’s turn to be confused.

“I knew I couldn’t ask until I had a really good reason and until they grew up enough to be ready for me.”

Jeff nodded his understanding, “Good night, Newbie. See you in school tomorrow. This has been a great weekend. I know I thanked your dads, but I want to thank you for asking me to come and well…you know…”

“Yeah, I know.” Then we hugged and kissed. It might have gotten a bit too heated for Grandma’s front porch, but her timing was perfect.

“Ah hem.”

“Hi, Grandma.”

“Hi, boys. I’m sure your lips can use a rest after this weekend.” Both of us blushed at that. My grandmothers (at least the ones in my life) have balls.

The rest of the ride home was filled with relaxed conversation intermingled with comfortable silence. As we approached Britin I looked forward to unpacking and just having a peaceful dinner with my dads. I figured that would be the best time to ask about MJ and his weird hand cramps.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 

After we unpacked I went downstairs to see what was happening with dinner. I was getting hungry. I’d worked up quite an appetite over the weekend. Besides, it’s generally my job to set the table when we’re all eating together and I didn’t want to fuck up after being given such a great vacation weekend.

When I got to the kitchen it seemed like my dads weren’t as happy as they were in the car. I didn’t know if they’d had some kind of argument about what to have for dinner, or something like that, so I just started setting the table and listening.

“Justin, I’m perfectly capable of cutting carrots.”

“So am I.”

“Oh, are you! Then why did you drop the fucking knife and nearly amputate your toe?”

“Brian, it just slipped. Stop queening out over nothing.”

“Justin, it’s time to face reality. We’ll do it together. But the last fucking thing I need is to live with a martyr.”

“I’m not a fucking martyr. It’s important to me to keep it active.”

“I’ll make sure it stays active later, without any knives in the vicinity.”

Then in a whisper, “Brian, Gus is in the room.”

“He knows we fuck…amongst other things.”

“I just didn’t want to get into this now.”

That was when I knew I had to open my mouth. I just hoped I wasn’t going to put my foot in it. “Dad, MJ, you know I’m almost an adult, right?”

“That’s all relative, but it does make sense, Sonny Boy…so?”

“So, I’ve been listening to bits and pieces about MJ’s hand for days now, and I saw it cramp up last week.” Then I looked at MJ. “You told me that it had something to do with the bashing all those years ago. Please tell me what’s happening.”

I must have sounded and looked as scared as I was getting because Dad put aside the carrots and the knife and walked over to me and gave me a huge hug. MJ just hung his head and seemed to hold onto the counter to steady himself. Then he walked over to the table and sat down. He gestured for Dad and me to join him.

“Gus, I won’t give you a lot of medical mumbo jumbo, some of which I don’t fully understand, but when I got bashed with a baseball bat I incurred brain damage.”

“But that doesn’t make any sense. You’re fine, except for your hand.”

“Well, if you think about it, your brain is what sends out signals to all the different parts of your body and instructs them how and when to do things and how and when to react. Some are voluntary and some are involuntary.”

“That makes sense.” I wish I’d already had biology and chemistry in school, but I was stuck in Earth Science and that class definitely did NOT cover brain activity.

“I was lucky.”

“Lucky?”

“Yeah, just before I was attacked someone called me from behind to warn me, even though it was impossible for him to stop the bashing.”

I heard Dad choke and take a strange breath. My guess is that it was Dad who shouted the warning, but obviously he didn’t want to think about it so I kept that guess to myself…for the time being.

“By turning when I heard the warning yell, the bat hit me in a place where it would not kill me. That warning saved me from being hit in a location that would cause me to be unresponsive for the rest of my days.”

“Wow, holy shit,” I whispered, shocked by the realization that I might not have had my MJ…even worse Dad wouldn’t have his Justin.

“Yeah, Gus, that about sums it up.”

“But what does that have to do with now?”

“Sometimes brain injuries have after-effects that can last a lifetime. They may not change, they may get better or they may get worse. In this case, the hand cramping, that through therapy, recovered almost entirely, has taken a turn for the worse.”

“Why?”

“That’s the big question, Sonny Boy. But Justin seems hesitant to check it out.”

“It sounds like you’re scared, MJ. Like I was when I knew I’d find out from the orthodontist I needed braces when I was nine.” It was a lame comparison, but I wanted them to know that I understood what they were talking about.

“You’re very wise for your years, Gus,” Justin whispered with a half-smile.

“Like someone else I know,” Dad added.

That got a full smile from MJ. Then he continued, “Your Dad and I are going to visit my neurologist tomorrow to discuss what’s been happening.”

“What time is your appointment?”

“At 5:30, why?”

Then Dad looked at me. “No fucking way!”

“But why, Dad? I love MJ, almost as much as you do. I just need to be there. I want to understand what’s happening. I won’t tell anyone. Please just let me be there. I’ll stay in the waiting room and do homework, but I just need to be there. Please.” I knew I sounded like I was begging, fuck, I was begging, but this was My Justin. He and Dad are everything.

MJ and Dad looked at each other. I could see a horrible, pained kind of look on Dad, and MJ just looked like someone had taken away his favorite plaything. Fuck, if he couldn’t sketch that might be just what was happening. I could tell that the two of them were having one of those non-verbal conversations.

MJ laid his hands flat on the table and looked at me. His eyes seemed to gaze almost through me. “Okay, Gus, you can come. But you’ll sit in the waiting room until after the exam. When we go in for the consultation that follows we’ll get you if the doctor feels that it would be appropriate. If he’s not comfortable having you there, then we’ll fill you in when we’re done.”

“Oh, and Sonny Boy…”

“Yes, Dad.”

“Do NOT under any circumstances say a word about this to anyone.”

“Not even Jeff or Uncle Michael?”

“Especially not them. Uncle Michael can’t keep a fucking secret if his life depends on it and Jeff works with your Grandma Deb. If she gets wind of this we’ll never have any peace.”

I nodded my agreement, although I knew it would be hard to keep all this from the two people I spent the most time with during the day.

After that I finished setting the table in silence, and MJ let Dad cut up the rest of the vegetables while he stirred the chicken stew. We sat together for dinner, but there was no need for conversation. It was obvious what we were all thinking about.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 

Apparently the doctor gave the okay for me to join them in the consultation room. It was a big office with a sofa and a couple of arm chairs. The doctor pulled his desk chair out from behind the desk and wheeled it over to the area with the sofa and chairs.

He held a large file in his lap that I figured was MJ’s file. He must have been going to this guy for years and I had no idea.

After Dad introduced me to the doctor we all sat down. I sat at one end of the sofa, Dad in the middle and MJ at the other end. MJ had this far off look as if he was daydreaming. Maybe he just didn’t want to listen to whatever the doctor had to say.

The doctor began, “You are luckier than you think, Justin. With all the issues that could have arisen as a result of the blunt trauma to your head, this is one of the least difficult to tackle. The MRI scans indicate that a hemangioma has formed in the area adjacent to the initial trauma.”

“What the fuck is a hemangioma?” Dad stood up abruptly and started to run his hand through his hair. MJ touched his leg gently. Dad looked at him and resumed his place on the sofa…this time with his arm around MJ’s shoulders.

“As I was saying,” the doctor continued, “Justin, you have a hemangioma. In layman’s terms that’s a benign tumor consisting chiefly of dilated or newly formed blood vessels. These are similar to a strawberry birthmark you might see on a baby but they are growing within your brain.”

Justin nodded and I just wanted to yell, ‘So, what the fuck does this all mean!’ but I kept my mouth shut.

MJ finally found his voice. “What does this all have to do with my hand…or the rest of me for that matter?”

I noticed Dad squeeze MJ’s shoulders and he pulled him closer if that was possible.

“It means, that according to the results from your MRI, this pack of unnecessary blood vessels is pressing against healthy portions of your brain. If this was here from birth, then it wouldn’t be a concern and it could just stay put, similar to the strawberry birthmark analogy. However, by comparing these scans to the MRI’s taken twelve and thirteen years ago, this hemangioma has developed and grown since then.”

“I still don’t understand what that fully means.” Justin reiterated.

“Justin, it means that if allowed to continue to grow they may begin to bleed. The bleeding would damage healthy cells in your brain and the results could cause significant damage. If there is a bleeder in your brain that damages good brain cells then you would have the condition known as cerebral palsy and I don’t think you want to go there.”

Even I’ve heard of cerebral palsy.

Dad lost it a bit at that point and Justin just put his head in his hands.

“Isn’t that degenerative? What the fuck do we do to stop the fucking thing from bleeding?” Now Dad was pacing and rubbed his hand across his face.

“First of all, Brian, cerebral palsy is not degenerative in that once a bleeder is halted no further damage can take place. Second of all, we can avoid this. There are options.”

With that MJ lifted his head, “What are they?”

“I would recommend you to the most qualified neurosurgeon around and he would do a procedure to remove the hemangioma. This is not a condition that is as uncommon as it would seem, and most neurosurgeons have successfully removed these hemangiomas before they do damage to other parts of the brain.”

“You’re talking about fucking brain surgery. Opening him up! Can’t you use laser shit or computer stuff to break it up?” As I watched my Dad’s temper and nerves escalate I felt somehow calm knowing that he wouldn’t let anything happen to MJ.

“Mr. Kinney…Brian.” I could see that the doctor was trying to get Dad to focus on him. “This is not a kidney stone. If we break it up, as you say, it would bleed all over. The goal is to cleanly remove it and leave that area free of the hemangioma and its possible consequences.”

Justin looked up at the doctor. “When do I have to do this?”

“Once I saw the results of your MRI, I had my nurse contact the head of neurosurgery at Allegheny General. He’ll see you for a consultation tomorrow to review the procedure.”

“And then…”

“And then he will probably want to do the surgery before the week is out. With this type of condition, the removal of the hemangioma is a priority to protect the rest of your brain cells.”

Slowly Dad turned to the doctor. This was the first time I got nervous because he had a strange look on his face. “Is this because of that fucking asshole who attacked him?”

MJ’s head shot up and he looked from Dad to the doctor and back again.

“Brian, we’ll never know for sure, and I wouldn’t commit one way or the other, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the impact had initiated the beginnings of this formation as Justin began to heal all those years ago. We’re just learning about it now; as the blood vessels are pressing against the portion of his brain that control Justin’s hand. We’re fortunate to have gotten a warning before something worse happened.”

“That mother fucking piece of shit!” Dad turned to the wall. MJ stood up and walked to him and placed his arms gently around Dad’s waist and leaned against his back.

Dad turned around and placed his hands around MJ’s shoulders. They put their foreheads together and looked into each others’ eyes. “Brian, I need to do this. You know that. I need to sketch. I need to sketch you, and Gus and Britin…for the rest of what I hope will be a long, long life.”

Dad just nodded and looked at the doctor, “So what time do we see the surgeon?”

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 

At first I thought that I wouldn’t be able to handle all this information, but as soon as I got home I started researching on the internet. I learned everything there was to know about cerebral palsy, hemangiomas and brain surgery. I felt like I couldn’t stop until I had all the answers. When I was satisfied that I understood all that the doctor had said I was relieved to know that neurosurgeons didn’t find this a particularly challenging operation, although twenty years ago that may not have been the case.

I didn’t want to bug Dad or MJ with my questions even though I knew they’d try to help. They had enough shit to think about without me nagging them.

Going to the surgeon’s office was out of the question since the appointment was during school, but somehow with all I’d researched I was okay with this. My biggest hurdle was Jeff.

“Hey, Gus, can we take a walk?” It was during lunch and I wasn’t very hungry so I didn’t buy anything that day and just drank from my water bottle.

“Sure, where to?”

“Just out.” Jeff and I stowed our backpacks in our lockers and started walking around the St. James grounds.

“Are you okay, Gus? You seem out of it. I thought we had a great weekend. Do you regret it…any of it?”

Oh fuck, what kind of fucked up messages was I sending Jeff. “No, that’s not it.”

“Is it something I did?”

I stopped walking and put my arms around Jeff’s shoulders. “This has nothing to do with you. There’s some shit happening at home that has nothing to do with us but is making my dads upset. It’s hard to watch them feel so bad and I guess I’m not good at hiding my feelings. I didn’t mean to make you nervous.”

“That’s a relief…I mean about us. You were really freaking me out. Can you tell me what’s up?”

“I can’t, I promised my dads.”

“I see.”

“Actually, you probably don’t, but it has more to do with not letting on something is up to Grandma Deb and Uncle Michael, and probably Grandma Jen, too. After today I think everyone, including you will be able to know the shit that’s going down.”

“Okay.” Then he looked directly at me, “I trust you.”

We looked around and seeing that we were alone we softly kissed. We held hands as we walked back towards the school entrance and parted them as we got close. I couldn’t help thinking that we should be able to hold hands walking down the hallway, like all the hetero couples.

This was the place where all of Justin’s pain started. I loved St. James Academy but I was feeling somehow let down by it as well.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 

Dad and MJ picked me up from Uncle Michael’s at closing time and invited Uncle Michael to meet them at the diner with Uncle Ben about an hour later.

The first stop was Grandma Jen’s. Jeff was there too since he had the afternoon off.

I knew enough to wait for Dad and MJ to tell Grandma Jen everything, so I wouldn’t make them go through this twice…or three times if I included having to say it all again to Uncle Michael, Uncle Ben, Grandma Deb and Grandpa Carl.

Tucker held Grandma Jen’s hand and Jeff held mine as Dad and MJ very clinically went through the procedure that had to be done to remove the hemangioma from MJ’s brain. I actually had learned a lot about this from my internet research but it was weird knowing it was going to happen to someone I loved.

When MJ told us that they’d have to shave off part of his hair and he decided to just shave it all off in advance, Grandma Jen touched his head and said, “Oh Justin, your beautiful blond hair. I’d almost forgotten the last time you did that.”

Dad and MJ actually laughed. Dad continued, “This time it will be very temporary, right, Sunshine.”

“Right,” MJ smirked back.

I’ll have to shelve that little tidbit for a later question and answer session.

Surgery was set for Friday morning and Grandma Jen and Tucker wouldn’t take no for an answer when they insisted on being there.

“Look, Justin, your mother won’t be able to concentrate on anything else anyway, so this way she’ll get the okay when you’re out of surgery as soon as possible. Otherwise she’ll have me checking with the phone company to see if our phones are out of order all morning,” Tucker reasoned.

Jeff, just kissed my hand and said, “I’ll be with you in spirit since I know I can’t miss school.”

“I know.”

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 

After dinner at the diner, Dad and MJ insisted on everyone escorting Grandma Deb home and then they dropped the bomb on all of them.

“Oh Sunshine!” Grandma Deb yelled and then hugged him tight, as only she can. “I’d like to find that mother-fucker and string him up in the middle of Liberty Avenue!”

“Deb, what would that solve?” Uncle Ben is always the voice of reason.

Uncle Michael pulled Dad aside at an opportune time and gave him a hug. “Are you okay?”

Dad looked at MJ, who was talking with Grandma, Grandpa and Uncle Ben and then turned back to Uncle Michael, “No, I’m not fucking okay, but I won’t let him know that.”

“You don’t think he knows.”

“Of course not.”

Uncle Michael smiled, “That’s bullshit. You two are so fucking in sync it’s creepy. That’s what makes you both such great comic book characters.” There was a slight pause, “Brian, you know I’ll be at the hospital. I won’t bother you, but I need to be there, too. This time will be different, and I need to see that for myself. I love that little fucker, too, you know.”

“I know,” was all Dad could choke out and then he gave Uncle Michael a kiss and moved on.

Although everyone promised not to make a fuss and await Dad’s call after surgery, something told me we wouldn’t be alone at the hospital for long.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 

On Thursday night Dad and MJ dropped me off at Grandma Jen’s house after work. We all had a light supper together and it was a pretty subdued atmosphere. No one seemed to want to talk. Jeff and I spent a lot of time glancing at each other and then focusing on our food.

After dinner Grandma gave MJ a hug and a kiss and touched his now shaved head. Then Dad assured me that he’d arranged for me to have an excused absence from school and that Grandma and Tucker would bring me to the hospital in the morning.

MJ had to go into the hospital the night before the surgery to do any prep that had to be done, and despite MJ’s arguments to the contrary Dad insisted. “There’s no fucking way I’m leaving you there all night by yourself. I fucked up the last time but this time I’ll be there every minute.”

Then Grandma chimed in, “You never told him?”

“Told me what, Mom?”

Grandma covered her mouth, looked from Dad to MJ and just said, “Oh shit!” I nearly fainted, Grandma Jen hardly ever curses.

I was kind of lost until MJ walked over to Dad, “You were there…thirteen years ago. Why didn’t you ever tell me?”

Dad just bit his lip and turned away to seemingly put on his jacket.

“Brian, Mom, why didn’t anyone tell me?”

“I just assumed Brian would have told you by now. My God, Justin, you two are married and I figured at some point he would have told you so you’d know how much he loved you…even back then.”

MJ walked over to Brian, kissed him hard and then without skipping a beat said, “Let’s go. It’s time to mend the past once and for all.” Dad smiled and nodded.

Then I looked at MJ. “I’m really brave and I have no doubt that we’ll be bullshitting about all this fucking drama really soon…but I just want you to know that you’re an amazing father and I’m really glad you’re My Justin.” We hugged and he leaned his head into my neck and then kissed me gently on the cheek.

“Gus, I want you to always know that I’ve only been blessed with one child and as far as I’m concerned you’re perfect in every way. Please know that you and your father have made my life complete.” His eyes were moist and he turned quickly, threw on his jacket and left the house as did Dad right after him.

I stood and watched them get into the Jeep and then I couldn’t help myself, I started to cry. It was obvious that Jeff was really taken aback and didn’t know what to do, but Grandma Jen grabbed me and held me as I shook through all the tears. She guided me to the sofa and gently rubbed my back. “Oh, sweetheart, I know just how you feel.”

By the time I calmed down, Jeff and Tucker had left the room. I went upstairs and Jeff was studying. “Gus, I just didn’t know what to…”

“It’s okay. I’m just gonna go to sleep.”

“Do you want me there or not?”

“If you just stay here until I fall asleep that would be great.”

“Okay.”

And Jeff lay down next to me, kissed my forehead and held me, fully clothed, as I fell into a fitful and exhausted sleep.

 

[TBC]

 

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