The End Justifies the Means

Chapter 7 - Making Love

Justin and Brian walked quietly up the stairs to the loft. Neither had said much of anything for a while but they knew that there were plenty of issues resting in the air. The tension became thick as each man went about his business for a while. Justin began arranging some of the clothes he’d tossed on the floor and in the closet so they wouldn’t need laundering before they were actually worn, and Brian puttered about in the kitchen. He walked over to his bar and picked up the bottle of Beam, opened it, looked at the bottle and thought better of it. This was one time that Brian Kinney was going to face his blond weakness AND power source head-on. Tranquilizers would be a big mistake.

He then walked over to the kitchen again and decided that the best liquid refreshment for tonight’s main event would be coffee and he put up a pot. Although he hated cooking, he prided himself on making the perfect cup of coffee. He’d even trained Cynthia to replicate it at Kinnetik.

If metaphors were in store this would be the time he would have to cook because too much silence was marinating between Justin and himself.

“Justin, leave that shit for a while.”

“You know how you hate clutter. It’s not much but I just want to straighten it out. If I have to repack it all tomorrow I will.”

Brian approached Justin slowly and cautiously. Leaving tomorrow would not be an option. As far as Brian was concerned the next time Justin went back to New York City would be to check on the art work in his show and to pack his apartment…and Brian was going with him. This separation was for shit and he finally realized it was too big a sacrifice.

When Brian was within inches of Justin he held out his hands and said, “Let’s sit down. I made coffee. It’s my brew so it’ll keep us up for hours if need be.”

Justin laughed and took Brian’s hands as he led him to the sofa. Justin sat on one end, and after Brian got the coffees, he sat on the opposite end. “I guess it’s time we talked about the stuff we’ve been shoving on the backburner for years. Wow, fuck, it really has been years, hasn’t it?” Justin acknowledged.

“Yeah, it’s kind of hard to believe. When we met you were still a little shit stalker. Now you’re a successful artiste.” Brian emphasized the last word to lighten the mood knowing that the contents of their discussion would be serious enough without added help.

“That’s me—Justin Taylor, Artiste Extraordinaire.” Justin snorted. “All I wanted to ever do was draw, paint and just create,” and then looking up he added, “And love you.”

“You really do strive to take on Herculean tasks don’t you, Sunshine.” Brian responded. “Justin, I’ve always wanted to know, why did you keep coming back? No matter how hard I pushed you away, you were like a fucking boomerang.”

“You really don’t know, do you? You know I’m pretty smart and I can usually read people pretty well. There were only a couple of exceptions in my life where the words and signs got fuzzy and I misinterpreted them.”

“So what did my book say?”

“Funny you should use that phrase. Michael once referred to knowing you as having read the Kinney Operating Manual. I think he was right. Except for the night that I returned to you, after our first night together, I always understood what lay beneath.”

“What the fuck are you talking about? I think I was pretty clear right on the surface. There was no need to look deeper for an answer or response.”

“But there was. I learned that the night that I dared to go to Babylon and tempt you, that you did want more of me, even if you’d already done just about everything imaginable that first night. Your actions were so much more powerful than your words.”

“Oh really.”

“Yes, really. When you lifted me off the ground and we danced together, the smile on your face was priceless. I’ll never forget seeing you truly happy. It was more beautiful than seeing you naked.”

“I think you may just be slandering me there, Sunshine. And lest we not forget, you’re the one with the famous smile.”

“My smile doesn’t hold a candle to yours when you’re truly happy. You smiled like that a lot the night Gus was born and I realized that was your smile of unfiltered joy. I fell in love with that smile, and the rest of you, in the months that followed.”

“Wow, maybe I should be one of my own advertising models.”

“Don’t make fun, Brian. You asked and I’m answering.”

“Okay.” Brian rolled his lips inward, realizing that Justin’s words were from the heart and needed to be heard.

“Every time you would joke, or even remark more seriously about wanting to get rid of me, you’d then take another action that was much more convincing, demonstrating that you meant the opposite.”

“For example…”

“Remember when you confronted my dad and then I came here to live with you for the first time?”

“Of course I remember.”

“Not only did you NOT have him arrested for assault AND for ramming your Jeep, which I’m sure had plenty of his car’s paint on it, but you also took me home to live with you. You didn’t leave me with him. But even more telling, you didn’t automatically leave me with Debbie or the munchers either—both of whom would have been fine temporary caregivers until I turned 18.”

“So…”

“So, you wanted me in your life and to take responsibility for me. It didn’t take long for us to realize that this wouldn’t work out so well because neither of us was mature enough to carry on a live-in, fuck buddy relationship, so you then selected Debbie as a surrogate mother for me. That was one of the most loving things you could do. And it kept me within reach of you.”

“You really are good at this hindsight shit, aren’t you?” Brian quipped. He just couldn’t help himself.

“Brian, should I be quiet? Are you finished?” Justin asked in a resigned tone.

“No,” Brian moved closer to Justin on the sofa. He reached out to stroke his beautiful hair. Blond hair that women, and men, would pay thousands a year for. His beautiful blond. Brian liked the alliteration. It worked for him, and so did Justin. “It’s hard for me to rehash this stuff, but I know we have to if we’re going to really leave it all behind. Go on.”

With that Justin moved slightly closer to Brian and then kissed him softly. “Thank you.”

Justin decided this would probably proceed easier for Brian if they weren’t looking directly at each other. Since Justin could always feel Brian’s emotions from his body language he coaxed Brian back to his end of the sofa, leaning against a pillow that was up against the arm. Then Justin slowly nestled himself between Brian’s legs and leaned back so the top of his head rested on Brian’s neck and shoulder. “Can I continue now? Is this okay?”

“Yeah, I’m ready.” Although Brian wasn’t entirely sure of the truth in that statement.

“That entire first year we played a wonderful game of lover, fuck buddy, friend, and even adversary. It was fun and it always kept me AND you coming back for more. After the bashing we both know I became an insecure basket case. The fact that you were willing to take me in demonstrated just how much you cared about me. While guilt may have been the feeling you allowed yourself, love was there. I know now that you couldn’t admit it, because my guess is that by coming to my prom you were showing love and it literally knocked you out when the bat hit me.”

“You may have a point, Sunshine.” Brian admitted as he unconsciously rubbed his hand gently over Justin’s right hand.

“I needed to feel loved because I had some fantasy that love would shelter me from anything bad ever happening again. Some of my nightmares weren’t about Hobbs, but about almost reaching you and getting close to feeling safe, and then falling into an abyss. I think I lived in that limbo of walking on the edge of the abyss for a long time. That’s why Ethan’s flowers, picnics and pretty words enticed me. It seemed that those were what I needed. It was like a rope—something tangible to hold onto. The funny thing was that what I really was looking for I’d already had, but it was intangible so in my emotional state I couldn’t see clearly.

“I know you were trying to reach me the only way you knew how, especially by letting me back into our bed when I reluctantly left Ethan shortly before the Rage party. I just couldn’t see what you were saying. I’m sorry for that, but I also wish you could have seen my need as well. We both fucked up and succumbed to the limitations our insecurities bred. Ethan never came between us, we did. I’m just glad that we both learned from the experience.”

“Speak for yourself. Your learning curve was much faster than mine, Sunshine. When you came back I wanted you right away. But I knew that I needed to demonstrate that I was still the top, the one in charge, so I tricked frequently, including in front of you. You really must have read my need because you rolled with the punches, and through your own actions showed me you were worth waiting for.” Brian rolled his lips inward as if saying all that had caused them to shrivel.

“Thank you for saying that. I always suspected that was the case which is why I looked the other way, literally, for so long. I just wish we’d been more honest with each other, but maybe when people work as hard as we have to return to each other again and again…”

“And again.” Brian laughed.

“Yes, and again.” Justin returned the humor with a little poke of his elbow into Brian’s chest. “By the time we agreed to be partners I knew that no matter how long I lived you would always be the only one I’d ever fall in love with, and certainly the only one I could ever live with for the rest of my life. It was a daunting discovery but it made me somehow feel whole.

“Brian, I have one important question to ask you and I need you to answer it honestly.”

“Okay, I’ll do my best.”

“After you and I were together—I mean after my prom and from then on—did you ever seriously consider a life with Michael in your future? After he talked about that night at the comic book store…well, I just need to know. And, if so, would you ever, ever, ever consider it now if Ben wasn’t in the picture?”

“Justin, I’ve thought about this a lot over the years. I’ve toyed with Mikey and attempted to get physical with Mikey on a few occasions, the night at Red Cape being the last time.” Justin began to tense up.

“But I can honestly say that I never really thought he’d go through with it because we both knew that we were meant to be best friends, confidants. Although, he can’t keep a secret worth shit. In my most vivid, drug-induced moments of fantasy, as well as my most sober moments, like this one, I could not, nor would I want to spend my life with Michael. There is only one person that has ever put the thought of sharing my life with another in my mind…and heart…and that’s you.

“Don’t accuse me of being out of character or saying this to make peace. It’s the truth and it’s the only truth that counts for me. I think Michael knows it and I hope you know and believe it now.” Brian took a deep breath and held it a bit.

Justin gently turned around and faced Brian. “I have never felt safer and more loved in my entire life as I do this second.” With that both of them knew that their emotional needs had been met. Justin got on his knees between Brian’s legs, put one hand behind Brian’s neck and the other hand rested in Brian’s hair, and then he leaned forward and kissed him with a passion that went far beyond anything he’d experienced.

Both Brian and Justin rose from the sofa. “I remember the first time we truly made love in this loft. I think we can definitely top that now.” Brian said with a slight smirk.

“I thought that was just a rim job and fucking my brains out.” Justin smiled back.

“It was. I’m referring to after you moved in, after the bashing. That was the first time I experienced love and sex at the same time and learned the meaning of making love.”

“Brian…” Justin could say no more.

Brian undressed in the middle of the loft, held out his arms and said, “So are you coming or going, or coming and then going, or coming and staying?”

Justin approached him as he pulled off his shirt and then his pants and underwear. “I’m staying and I’ll never leave again.” And with that the necessity for conversation was gone.
 

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