The End Justifies the Means

Chapter 5 - Just Visiting

Justin decided to try to distract Michael from all his problems for a while and to give Brian time to get Ben settled in at his home. Knowing that Brian was planning to talk to Ben before he brought him home, Justin called Michael and suggested that now that they were clean and presentable again they could go out for a bite. He used the excuse that the loft had no decent, hearty food in it and he was starving after sifting through all that rubble.

Michael agreed and was happy for the distraction. He also wondered what could be keeping Ben, but since doctors notoriously make patients wait when they aren’t emergencies, he didn’t give it much thought.

Justin and Michael met at the diner which was virtually empty since it was mid-afternoon on a Saturday. The lunch rush was over and dinner was still a few hours away. The two took a booth in the rear of the diner so they could just talk and relax while having their late lunch.

After they ordered there was a silence that rested between the two. Justin finally opened the conversation, “You know, Michael, I was thinking about us while we were working together in the store.”

“You were thinking about us? What the fuck is there to think about?” Michael wasn’t angry, but extremely confused.

“I was thinking about how people change and grow over the years.”

“I guess, but how did you apply that to us?”

Justin continued, “I thought about when we first met and you took me to the diner. I couldn’t have imagined back then that when I met your mom she would become such an important part of my life, and my mom’s life.”

Michael wasn’t sure where this conversation was going but he didn’t mind walking down memory lane so he encouraged Justin to continue, “Yeah, I thought you were a cute little shit back then.”

“And now?”

“You’re not cute anymore but you’re still a little shit.” Michael joked.

“Well, fuck you very much, too.” Justin laughed. “We were sort of thrown together in a bizarre set of circumstances. You wanted Brian and so did I but then you found someone else who could meet your needs.”

With that Michael nearly choked on his soda. “You mean David? Yeah, he met my needs all right. He was really hot and a great fuck and here’s the clincher…he was a great father figure.”

Justin looked at Michael with an expression bordering surprise. “A father figure?”

“Oh come on Justin, we all know how smart you are. You must have seen it. If I couldn’t have Brian to take care of me I got a surrogate father. It gave a whole new meaning to the phrase Sugar-Daddy since I wasn’t in it for the money. Of course, I would never have admitted that back then, but I can definitely see it clearly now, especially since…” Michael let his words fade off and then took a bite of the burger that was set in front of him.

“Especially since what?” Now Justin’s interest was peaked. This was just supposed to be a little chat between two friends but it was becoming quite enlightening.

“Well, especially since I still sort of thought of Brian back then—a lot! But now, now I understand what love is really all about, and how it’s supposed to feel. You knew it long before any of us. You didn’t spend ten years as a club boy before you allowed yourself to feel love for someone. It was really eye-opening. So were a lot of things that happened for the first couple of years you were around.”

“Okay, Michael, this sounds like there’s much more than I’ve ever been aware of.  What the fuck are you talking about?” Justin asked, “Oh God, am I channeling Emmett? Next I’ll be saying, ‘Let’s dish’.”

Michael laughed for the first time in two days. “No you’re not channeling Emmett. Maybe it’s time we really talked. After all, you’ll be going back to New York soon and we may not get a chance like this, again, for a long time. By the way, it really is good to have you around. We’ve all missed you, especially Brian.”

“It’s good to know I’ve been missed. You know Pittsburgh is still my home. New York is just temporary.” Justin decided that this was not the time to share his immediate future plans with Michael. He’d wait until he and Brian firmed up their plans, especially since every time their family was involved something got fucked up. In addition, his mom and Debbie needed to be the first to hear the news. If Michael knew that Justin was moving home, and that he and Brian were going through with their plans to get married, the whole city would be alerted in a heartbeat.

“I know you’re just visiting for now, but it’s kind of nice to sit and talk.” Michael continued. “I’d never admit this to anyone else, but I do sort of think of you as a younger brother. A smart ass, over-confident younger brother, but a younger brother none-the-less.”

“Thanks, I think,” Justin chuckled. “I’ve always thought of you as family, too. Just the other day I remembered that you were the first person I told about my true feelings for Brian, when they passed the infatuation stage. Do you remember, right before we thought he was going to move to New York City and sign on with some huge advertising agency?”

“You know it’s funny but I do remember that. I also remember realizing for the first time that you really did love Brian and that maybe he was lucky to have you. Hey, that was right after his dad died, wasn’t it?”

“I think his dad died a few weeks earlier and then there was that crazy King of Babylon contest. I never did get to take my fancy vacation. I spent it in the hospital.”

“I know. Brian was so strange after his dad died. I still sort of had feelings for him—sexually I mean. But when he tried to get into my pants after the funeral and the insanity at his mother’s house, I just knew it was wrong, especially since he was both drunk and high at the time.”

“Brian tried to get into your pants. As in to finish your teen jerk-off session?” Justin was shocked by this revelation. It didn’t totally surprise him, since it was obvious that Brian was in pain over his dad’s death and didn’t know how to deal with it. That first year Justin was really up against it, where Brian was concerned.

“It was a shock to me too, especially since Brian doesn’t fuck his good friends. I knew that if we fucked we’d ruin our friendship at that point. And besides, I was with David and although I think I already knew that we weren’t permanent, I wasn’t ready to give that up yet.”

“I bet you were glad that you still had a friend in Brian after you and David broke up. It would have been tough if you had to come home and not have him here to support you. He always seems to be able to support his friends and be there whenever they need him.”

“You know that it was really Brian who showed me how much I appreciated and loved Ben. He made me see the truth about how ridiculous he and I would be and paved the way for me to let go of the past and look towards my future. I’ve never regretted it.”

“Wait a minute. How did Brian get you and Ben together? I thought you two met when he walked into the comic shop and became your first customer.”

“Oh that’s how we met, but don’t you remember…I got nervous about getting involved with an HIV positive guy and we briefly broke up.”

“Then you sang that ridiculous rat song to him and the rest is history. So where does Brian come into this?”

“Don’t you remember when you let the cat out of the bag about Brian and Ben hooking up at a White Party?”

“Yeah, so…”

“So, I didn’t handle it well for a while. I kept feeling cheated. It was like I was competing with Brian for Ben’s affection and I was also jealous that Ben had something that I’d never gotten the chance to get.”

“I can understand how you must have had mixed feelings but I’m still at a loss for where you’re taking this.”

“Don’t you remember what Brian did?”

“Refresh my memory.” Justin was beginning to get irritated and somehow he sensed that this was a subject that had never come up. While they didn’t talk a lot, Justin knew that Brian was always honest and told him things that were truly important, especially while they were living together -- or so he thought. He couldn’t imagine where Michael was heading with this.

Michael nodded, “I think it was while you and my mom were discovering Jason Kemp’s name. Brian came to the store after I’d closed down and was working on the computer. He walked in and locked the door. We talked a bit and he made me face my ancient jealousies that seemed to have returned to the forefront. He actually dared to corner me in the store. Boy did that get my attention.”

“What do you mean corner you?” Justin asked, trying to stay cool and calm, not letting on the anxiety that he felt creeping up.

“You know Brian. He backed me against the wall, making me confront my true desires. He cupped my cock through my pants and then gave my one hell of a kiss. I actually started to return the kiss as it heated up but then I realized that Brian was NOT who I wanted to be with. I wanted Ben, and only Ben. Brian really made me think and face reality and it worked.”

“Sounds great, Michael. Do you think Brian would have followed through if you hadn’t stopped him?”

“Who the fuck knows? That’s history. It happened at least four years ago. I’m sure if we’d gone through with it, we would have regretted it. I know that I never would have been able to go back to Ben and I’m so glad to have him in my life—hell, to be his husband.”

“That’s great, Michael. Listen, I’d better get going. Brian will be home soon.” With that the two parted, seemingly warmly.

 

*~*~*~*~*
 

By the time Justin returned to the loft Brian was already there.

“Where the fuck did you go? I was hoping we could get some afternoon exercise in before it was time for dinner with the Novotny-Bruckners.” Brian raised his eyebrow and gave a sexy smirk.

Justin’s response was a bit less than warm. “Brian, how important is honesty to you?”

“Very, why are you asking? Don’t you think we’ve done enough talking for one day? It’s time to celebrate.”

“Celebrate what? That you have no problem making me feel guilty for breaking stupid rules but you just hide the facts when you do it? Or should we celebrate all the times I thought that I was a total asshole for letting some stranger kiss me on the lips because he was a virgin and I didn’t want his first to be a shitty experience? Or maybe we should celebrate the fact that we were never supposed to really know any of our tricks because then things get messy? Now there’s one that I totally fucked up and lived to regret for months until we got back together. Which of those are we celebrating?”

“Have you lost your mind? That’s all behind us, which is where this conversation should go. Why are you questioning all this and sounding an awful lot like it somehow should include an accusation that I’m not aware of?”

“Why didn’t you ever tell me about Michael?”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“Why didn’t you ever tell me that you made a pass at Michael when he was confused about the fact that you’d fucked the guy he was falling in love with? Maybe I should clarify…why would you give him, and I’m paraphrasing here, ‘one helluva kiss and cup his cock’? Would you have fucked him if he hadn’t stopped you, would you have?”

“Shit, that was so long ago.”

“It was long ago, when I thought you were totally honest and respected our rules. I never stopped feeling guilty for breaking those fucking rules and all that time you nearly fucked your best friend. How many rules in one fuck would that have broken? How many, Brian? Is there anything else I should know? Did you fuck anyone else that we know?”

“Justin, I should have told you.”

“You’re fucking right you should have told me. You let me think you were perfect and I was an undisciplined loser.”

Brian glared at Justin with a cross between panic and concern written across his face.

“I’m not going to leave but I need some space right now. I’ll be back tomorrow.”

“Where are you going? What about everything we talked about earlier today?” Brian began to worry. Why did he ever mess with Mikey? And even worse, why didn’t he tell Justin? Because he didn’t think Justin deserved to know and he was too weak to communicate back then. Now look at the mess he put himself into. It was as if he couldn’t sustain an honest relationship with the one person he, he, he, yes—the one person he loved.

Justin looked at Brian and suddenly realized he was doing it again. He was running from his problems. He remembered Debbie once telling him to fight it out. Now it was time for Justin to be the man that he professed to be. He slowly approached Brian.

Before he could say anything, Brian uttered one word that changed everything, “Stay.”

“Do you know how long I’ve waited to hear you say that? It’s on a par with I love you, but in some ways it means so much more.” Justin continued, trying to remain collected, “When you got mad at me for forgetting to turn on your alarm all I wanted was for you to tell me to stay. When you found out about Ethan all I wanted was for you to tell me to stay. I already knew that you loved me, but I needed to know that you wanted me with you.

“When I left for Hollywood, it was with mixed emotions.  In hindsight I wish you had asked me to stay, and then when I agreed to go to New York on that fucking red eye, with red eyes that didn’t clear up for nearly six months, all I wanted was for you to stop me by saying you wanted me to stay.”

“I’m not sure I’m following you, Sunshine, but I do want you to stay. Please stay. I’m done waiting and compromising and sacrificing my own…no our own lives for some greater dream. I don’t know if I would have fucked Michael, but it would have been the biggest mistake of my life if I did for two reasons. One is that he and I would never have been friends again and two is that I would have hurt you. Please believe that I’ve grown up since then. Both of us have.”

Brian held Justin tightly. When he loosened his grip he cupped his face and kissed him with all the love he could pass on in that one gesture.

After a brief silence Brian admitted, “We should really deal with our past before we get married but it’s time we did it together. Stay.”

Justin looked into Brian’s eyes and for the first time saw an uninterrupted future. He saw the makings of something very special and realized he’d be a fool to turn away. “Okay.”

The two men knew that with all that was facing them, and their friends, the next few days would be the roughest they’d ever dealt with and it would either make or break them all. But this was the test of their devotion to one another and they weren’t going to turn their backs on it, their time together was too important.

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