Oh Where, Oh Where, Has My Little Rat Gone?

"Oh where, oh where has my little rat gone? Oh where, oh where can he be?

With his ears cut short and his tail cut long, Oh where, oh where can he be?"

Walter

That little perversion of the old children's song has been repeating over and over in my head for weeks. My ratbastard has done a runner. Taken a powder.

SCRAMMED!

For weeks now, my rat has been running on the loose, only God knows where, as if there was no one in the world that loves him. Like no one that cares. I care! I care. God, I don't know what I did; I don't know if I indeed did do something to make him go. I woke up one morning and the rat was gone.

We made it through our first summer together, falling into a nice routine. It was calm, peaceful. Hell, maybe it was too peaceful for him but he never complained. He never said much of anything. We'd do our daily chores, go into town once or twice a week, mend a few fences and then do some consulting work. I'm still a lawyer and he's a whiz with research. We don't need the money but it keeps our minds sharp. And we'd make love.

We. Ours. Us. I've stopped talking in the singular. My god, I miss him so much.

It's late Fall, the holidays will be upon us soon. For a long time, holidays like Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, Valentine's day, held no meaning for me. Another day to work, another day to eat alone. I was looking forward to spending them with him.

Fuck! That damned song won't leave my head. Goddamn you, Alex Krycek! Why did I have to fall in love with you?!

*****

A few more weeks have gone by. I've thought about searching but I haven't a clue where to look. And if the whole of the FBI, CIA, NID, and any other combination of fucking letters couldn't find him, what makes me think that I can.

There's an old scotch pine toward the dry riverbed. I had picked that one to be our first Christmas tree. It's due to come down and there are plenty of young saplings ready to take its place. There aren't any nests in it. The only creatures who might miss it would be a few woodpeckers or an occasional squirrel. It can rot there for all I care now.

I checked his side of the closet again looking for clues. All he took was what he could carry in his backpack and wear on his back. His old leather jacket, a few black t-shirts, his black jeans, boots and that funny little gun. He didn't even take his truck. How could he travel way out here without his truck? God protect him please. I didn't just find him to lose him. God can't be that cruel! Maybe he is that cruel, maybe I just don't deserve to share a life with someone. No wife, no kids, not even a dog, only a rat who has just about broken my heart.

*****

I don't know what made me do it but I booted up his computer this morning. He hasn't sent me any emails but it occurred to me that he may have sent them to himself. I don't know why but I remembered him saying something that even though it looks like he and I share an account, we don't. He said something about signals bouncing and rerouting, I have no idea what he was talking about but here I am sitting in front of his laptop. It's password protected but for some damned fool reason he used a password that's so easy for me to guess. Maybe he did it for me, who knows. All I know is that I can read his emails; it's like he was leading me right to them if I hadn't been so pigheaded for a month and a half.

My big Bear;

Forgive me. I keep hitting send in hopes that one day you'll turn on my computer and open my email. I know I should have left a note, or some indication of what I was up to so you wouldn't worry. But I had to leave fast, our special wildlife was being threatened and I needed to do more than listen. I'm on foot; I couldn't take the chance that the truck could be traced back to you.

The first blizzard of the season has hit but I will make it in time. I promise you.

Love always,

Your Rat

I was stunned! Almost every day that he was away he sent that same message in hopes that I would find it. How stupid am I? Weeks without a word from me. Shit, he must think I'm an ass.

I hit reply with only two words typed, "I'm waiting." That's all I could risk. I pray he understands. I took the liberty of scrolling back through his Inbox but other than his messages to me, it was empty. I was about to shut it down, when I heard the ping with his reply...'Good.'

*****

Another week goes by, the snow is so high that I told Billy not to bother trying to get through. We've been through this before. I can handle the animals and I have enough supplies to last me to the Spring, if necessary. You have to be prepared up here. My only thoughts are for him, my little rat, caught out in the storm.

I went ahead and chopped down the tree before the weather got too bad for me to drag the thing back here to the barn. The cold in the barn will help to preserve the tree. Christmas is within the week. Right now I only want to touch him, hold him close and never let him go.

Two days before Christmas, I put up the tree. I needed something to do. I'll leave the decorating to when he comes home. The snow has stopped and the sun warmed the air sufficiently to help make the roads passable. I still hold out the hope that he'll make it in time to celebrate our first Christmas together. I check his computer daily, no more emails since that last one.

Christmas morning, it's Christmas morning. I'm afraid to open my eyes. Afraid to get out of this lonely bed. Two months, gone.

"Ratbastard!"

"Yes, Walter?"

I turn toward his voice, he's here, laying in our bed. A little tired looking, his hair a little longer, maybe he's a few pounds lighter. What the hell? I can fatten him up, give him a hair cut, if he wants. He's home and I don't know if I want to kiss him silly or throttle him. "Alex, are you okay?" I touch his face to make sure he's real and not a hallucination.

"I'm real, Walter, and other than needing some sleep, I'm fine." I contemplate his words, the tree can wait, Christmas breakfast can wait. I can wait.

"Do you need a shower?" I ask him. Does he need to wash the road off, wash the blood off, wash off another man. I stare into the jade green eyes waiting for his response. He shakes his head, no. "Then sleep, we have work to do. The cows need milking and our Christmas tree is still bare. Oh and the..."

"The chickens. Mmm, they must be beyond ornery by now."

"Yes, they are. Alex, are you really okay?" He says yes with an exaggerated yawn. "And the wildlife?"

"They're fine. The problem has been eliminated." Alex buried himself into my armpit as he snuggled closer.

"Good. Alex, please don't do that again. I was going insane with worry."

"I can't promise you that, but what I will promise is to speak with you first if that need arises again."

"Fair enough. I love you, you fucking little rat. And you get to do..."

"I know, the chickens. I love you too, Walter."

[Oh where, oh where has my little rat gone? Oh where, oh where can he be?

With his ears cut short and his tail cut long, Oh where, oh where can he be?]

He's here with me!

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