Waiting and Hoping

Justin's POV:

Finally we both get up off the bench at the same time, he still hasn't looked at me. I turn toward him and raise up on my toes a little to reach his cheek to give him a light kiss. To my surprise he doesn't turn away or jump back like I expected.

For a fleeting moment I see in his eyes all that he wants to say to me, all that he couldn't say or won't say but then it's gone. The mask goes up as the shades go on.

I take a chance and say, "later"; if he says it back then it's worth the risk. If he says "bye" then I know it's too late.

As I walk away the tears start to run down my face and I want to run but I don't, I walk slow waiting and hoping to hear..."Later".

I stop and wipe away the tears before I turn and smile. Yeah, that smile, not as bright cause it's not the right time but I can't help that a little of it shines.

He smiles back, that sly little smile like he knows something that no one else knows. Then he turns to walk towards his car. Under his breath I hear him murmur, "Later Brat". And before I engage my brain my mouth's already in gear, "Later Asshole", and I walk away.

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A week later finds us on the same bench staring into the green water feeding the ducks. Again the awful silence as we throw the crumbs into the water. This time I break the silence. "How's work?"

"Ok, how's school, any new projects?"

We chit chat, make small talk, he has a right to know about school cause he insists on paying for it. So I tell him about my professors and the expected projects that are due. He asks if the software for the computer he bought for me is adequate, like he doesn't know that it's the top of the line. I tell him it's alright.

"How's Ethan?"

"Ok, he's going to Harrisburg, his first major concert."

"Good for him; you going?"

"Don't know yet, we have to be care..."

I stop, embarrassed to say the truth.

"What Justin?"

He said my name, the first in weeks said my name. Not in anger, not in a rage almost like a friend.

"Nothing"

"Justin say it."

I let out a sigh, I can feel the heat of my embarrassment rise up from my chest to the tip of my ears.

"Tell me"

"Ethan's agent told us..."

"Told you what?"

He knows, somehow he knows. He's just waiting for me to confirm his suspicions so he can stomp me into the ground. I get up to leave. This isn't why I wanted to meet him here. Not talk about Ethan or how I've made the biggest mistake of my life. I just wanted to have a small piece of him, a small piece of me and Brian like it used to be.

Now I want to run. After he tried to make me the best homosexual that I could be. I betrayed him I lied, cheated, broke all the rules. And now I betray him again, go back in the closest that he just helped me step out of. I can't tell him the truth. So I run. I throw down the bag of crumbs and run out of the park. But those damn fucking long legs of his. I don't care how much older he is than me, those fucking long legs.

He catches me, spins me around and looks in my face. I'm frightened as I look into his beautiful eyes.

"Tell me Justin, I'm not angry, I won't laugh, just say it."

I owe him an honest answer so I blurt out. "Ethan's agent doesn't want anyone to know he's gay so we have to be careful. I'm not supposed to be anywhere near his concerts or when he has an interview." I don't tell him about the interview and how Ethan introduced me to the reporter as his cousin and Daphne as my girlfriend.

Brian looks into my eyes, he could cut me in two with a number of snarky remarks but he doesn't. Instead he gently thumbs away the tears that slide down my cheek and draws me into a hug then whispers into my hair.

"It'll work out Sunshine, somehow it'll all work out, you'll see."

All I can do is nod and continue to cry into his chest as I hold him about his waist.

After I calm a bit I hear him say, "You better go now before the fiddler starts looking for you and before you snot all over my new $200 shirt." I look up and giggle. "Yeah, yeah get your bubble butt outta here."

"Later Asshole"

"Later Brat" He kisses the top of my head and is gone.

I almost call out to say thank you but thank you for what. Thank you for not yelling at me for being an idiot; thank you for not telling me how foolish I am for believing Ethan's shit. Thank you for paying for my education. Thank you for trying to teach me how to be a man, yeah right as the tears and snot stain my face. And thank you for being Brian fuckin' Kinney!

Instead I find a crumpled napkin in my pocket clean up my face and go home to Ethan.

The next time we meet at the park I'll tell him all about the concert cause I will find a way to be there and okay I'll be discrete but I'll be damned if I'm going back in the closet.

Thank you Brian Kinney.

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The following week it rained, the skies opened up and it poured. Just as well because what would I have said to him. ‘Oh by the way the fiddler fucked around on me and lied about it.' ‘So I guess this is how you felt; I'm a fucking gullible twat who believed all the meaningless I love yous.' No, I was happy it rained, didn't need to say a thing. The rain said it for me. So much for feeding the ducks.

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Brian's POV:

I heard something happened but I didn't know all the details. I guess I would have heard about it but it rained so we didn't meet at the park after fiddle fuck had his little shindig. I knew something was up and it wasn't me.

Justin shows up for work in the same clothes he wore yesterday. He looks tired and like he's been crying. I make some snide remark but I can see the hurt. I could never teach him to hide his feelings; no they're there for all the world to see. Well I'll hear about it eventually all I need is a little patience.

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Oh boy did I hear about it! He's living with Daphne now. The fiddler fucked around and tried to hide it, lie about it. I never lied about fucking but I did lie about one thing, my feelings. My feelings for the little blond twink who wormed and warmed his way into my life and into my heart.

This week the sun is out so I take a chance and go to the park. I see him sitting on the bench with his bag of bread crumbs, I didn't bring any. So I just sit next to him.

"Hey"

"Hey"

"You okay?"

"Yeah"

That's all we say, silent again. That's fine with me. I don't believe in talking or in love. I believe in fucking, yeah right. He throws a few crumbs into the water still not looking up. I reach into his bag and pull out a few crumbs to throw them to the waiting ducks. We sit not moving, not talking. Then we both go for some crumbs at the same time. Our hands meet in the bag and we hold on to each other. Both hands in the bag that threatens to tear at the strain of both hands in it. We don't move. Both hands in the bag surrounded by crumbs and the warmth of our fingers entwined. I don't pull away and neither does he.

I hear a sigh escape his lips and I can't help but to return the same sigh. How long do we sit like this I don't know nor do I care. We're alone for some reason on one ever goes near this bench, our bench. A small giggle escapes my lips and he looks at me. Slowly I withdraw our hands out of the bag still holding onto his but reveal our clasped hands to the light of day and we sit with our hands resting on my thigh. It feels good, I feel good, better than I have in weeks, months.

Not a word is said which is fine with me. What can I say? Say I love you, I miss you, I want you back. I can't say it, won't say it but I feel it and hope he feels it. He reads my mind because I feel a little squeeze around my fingers and this time I squeeze back.

"I have to go"

"Why?"

"I just have to"

I can't tell him that if I don't leave right now I will kiss him, pull him to me and smother him with my mouth. I want all of him and now. I feel my pants tighten, my body betrays me, says what I can't say, won't say. So I have to leave now before he gets the message. But it's too late, his body already got the message. I see him shift uncomfortably on the bench trying to accommodate the tightening of his own jeans. I need to leave but I can't move my legs, my fucking legs betray me too. I let out a sigh. This time he has the courage to leave.

"I have the dinner shift, I better get going."

"Yeah"

"Later?"

This time more like a question than a assumption. How do I answer? If I say ‘later' then it may really mean later. If I say anything else then all my hopes die; he's waiting. I'm waiting.

"Yeah later"

Then his hand slips from mine and walks toward the direction of the diner. Yeah later but what will happen later. I'm afraid to think about it.

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Justin's POV:

I work extra hours tonight, the dinner shift and then extra till 2AM. What do I care? It's Friday night now Saturday morning and there's no one special to go home to. I can use the money and my tips are good tonight.

The guys come in from Babylon laughing and talking. I take their order before I leave. Brian orders coffee. I bring the coffee and their drinks and go into the back to get my stuff. As I walk pass the table...

"Need a ride?"

As I open my mouth to speak I see the eyes of the gang watch us. They look to Brian then to me and then back to Brian. Then they look at Michael who's cursing and mumbling. I can just imagine what he's saying.

The words don't come so I nod. Brian throws some money down and brushes passed me to get the door. Opening it he leads us to his car. When we reach the car he opens the door for me, shuts it after I get in then walks to his side. He plops downs into the driver's seat and as he turns on the ignition...

"Where do you want to go?"

"With you"

He stops and turns to look at me then I realize that I said it out loud. I didn't mean to I meant to say ‘I want to go to Daph's' but ‘with you' came out instead. He hesitates for only a second then takes us to the loft. Brian parks.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes"

We ride the elevator in silence. He slides the door open. I'm scared. This is where I want to be, what I want but I'm scared. I want to run again but this time my feet know better they stay firmly planted inside the door. "Come here", Brian says. I approach him like a disobedient child awaiting punishment. My head is down looking at the floor and then at his boots.

He takes my chin in his hands and kisses me. I melt, literally melt, my knees start to buckle but he catches me, swoops me up and carries me to bed. I can only hang on as my tears stream down my face.

I can't hide it's all raw and open. I want him and I will take him on his own terms. Whatever I can get whatever he wants because I know he cares, he wants me and he does love me.

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Brian's POV:

He doesn't stop crying as I carry him to the bedroom, his head buried into my neck. He silently cries. I don't know if they're tears of happiness or sadness they just don't stop. They don't stop as I lay him on the bed, as I strip off his clothes, as I take off my own clothes.

He lays there watching me and crying. So I start to kiss away the tears, tell him with my lips and my body all the things I can't say out loud and I can only hope he understands. I think he does.

He doesn't push me away he accepts all my kisses as I trail them down his body. I make love to him. I breathe him in, savor each scent and taste. He's mine all mine and I mark as so over and over. He's compliant and willing to take all that I can give him and I give him everything I have.

Still he cries, cries as we cum hard together. He cries for us both. He cries for the wasted time, for the stupid arguments, for the stupid rules we both broke, for my arrogance and his naivete. So I gather him up in my arms and pull the duvet over us.

"Don't ever leave me again"

"Don't ever push me away"

We fall asleep wrapped in each other's arms.

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Justin's POV:

We wake up to the sun streaming into the great loft windows. We hadn't moved all night long. His arm must be stiff from being wrapped around me all night, me comfortable on my spot on his chest. I move slightly to his side so I can look into his eyes.

"Hey"

"Hey Sunshine"

I smile, that smile full and bright as I can because now I feel it, now it's right. I feel like the sunshine of a brand new day and I can see he feels it too. "Come on we stink", he says. So we head for the shower. It's like I never left, like the months apart never happened. I know we've both changed but for now we shower and make love again as the warm water helps to heal our wounded hearts.

After he towels me off then himself. He finds me sweat pants and a t-shirt to wear. We make coffee, sit in the living room and drink it.

"Where do we go from here?", I ask.

"Where do you want to go?", he asks back.

Then it all comes out. We talk, really talk, tell each other what we expect and reach an understanding. And it's okay because I've grown up and so has he.

We've learned to respect and what to expect as equals. Not the god with his worshiper. Not the stud and his stalker. Not the boy with his master.

Men, two men who care about each other. Each with his own way of expressing it and accepting it. The waiting and hoping is over. Now the living begins.

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