Dear Dad

Well I did it again. Hooray for me. Asshole; #1, grade A, choice prime, ASSHOLE!

Not grade A, not choice prime anymore, damaged goods. So I do what I do best, I push. It used to be fucking. Maybe I'll give it up for Lent. Happy Mom? Your fairy boy is giving up fucking men. My soul is saved.

I pushed the little shit away. I don't need him or his pity. Or Mikey's, with his big puppy dog eyes or Justin's beautiful blues that look at me with so much love. Christ! It makes me sick; no that's just the side effects from the treatments.

I'm alone, just like I want it, alone. Fucking alone.

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His shit is all over the place, littering the loft again, littering up my life, the little pig. My little pig. Not any more, he got the message this time. I don't want him here, don't need him here.  I miss him.  Tired, so tired.  Sleep.

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Shit! Sick again, I've never thrown up like this in my life, never. I'm hungry but I can't eat.  Maybe I can work a little at the computer. That always makes me feel better.

Fuck, even in my fucking computer his shit is all over the place. He's into everything. What the fuck is this? A letter? I didn't write this.

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`Dear Dad,

I miss you Dad. I wish it could be different between you and me. I wish I could be the son you want me to be. Go to business school, marry Daphne, make you a Grandpa. Make you proud. But that's not going to happen except the Grandpa thing, I may do that some day. I hope you'll be around for it.

I love you Dad. I wish I could make you understand but I can't. I wish you could understand about Brian , how I feel about Brian. I know he may be too old for me but not really. He's still growing up too. I love him Dad, I really love him. And I know he loves me, he's just doesn't know it, yet.'

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I know Justin, I know.

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`When we're together, when he looks at me, when he touches me, it's like nothing else in the whole world exists. Nothing except for us. I think that's love Dad. It has to be.'

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It is.

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`I know he can be a royal pain in the ass, a real asshole, but that's him being Brian Kinney not Brian. There's a difference. I've learned the difference. Took me a while. I made a lot of mistakes. I leave him, he leaves me, we leave each other, then find our way back. We're connected Dad and it's always going to be that way. He'll push me away, then I push back.'

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Not this time.

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` Like this time. If Brian knew I knew he's sick, he'd push, big time.'

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Fuck.

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`I want to help, want him to let me help. Brian would but not Brian Kinney. Maybe I'll get through to Brian.

Dad, I miss you. I miss talking to you, going to the ball game, watching TV, just hanging out.  I thought I'd try one more time.  I love you Dad.

Justin'

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Fucking chicken soup. He's force feeding me fucking chicken soup.  Yeah, he's baack!  My own personal pit bull with me being the bone, no boner.

He's angry, very angry. Never saw him so angry, even with all that Pink Posse shit. Whipped my sorry ass again. And now chicken soup. Hope I can keep it down, for him, if nothing else, for him.

Why does he keep coming back? I don't deserve him. Why does he always come back? He's Justin.  Pure and simple, Justin.  He loves, he doesn't give up, tenacious twat.

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Maybe I'll ask him about the letter. Maybe I'll just send it, I know where that bastard works. How can Justin still love him? How can he still love me?  I know how, cause he's Justin.

Justin loves, end of story.

Thank the gods he loves me.

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