A Cure for the Cranky Kinney

A Justin Taylor Manual in how to handle a cranky Brian Kinney

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Author's Note:  Inspired by "Domestic Bliss" - Almost Too Good

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Step One: When your Kinney comes home cranky, have his personal space prepared. A quiet atmosphere with dimmed lights and soft music will help to soothe him. Quiet being the operative word. No speaking unless directly spoken to and a verbal response is required. Otherwise nonverbal communication is best.

Step Two: Have his favorite libation chilled and ready. Slip it into his hand as you remove his briefcase. This should be done subtly so that you do not startle your cranky Kinney. That can lead to disaster.

Step Three: After your cranky Kinney finishes his first drink, gently remove the glass. Reassure him that another drink will follow but after he removes his clothes and has a nice hot shower. Make sure the shower has all of his favorite products as well as your own. Often, the cranky Kinney will choose the soap of his partner. This is done unintentionally by the cranky Kinney, but for some reason it helps the tension to drain away.

Warning: the cranky Kinney should shower alone. Any attempt to invade his space at this juncture could lead to disaster.

Step Four: Gingerly step through the bathroom door with your second offering of the cranky Kinney's favorite libation. This second drink should not be as strong as the first and you will note that this drink will be sipped rather than gulped. This is an indication that your cure is working. As your Kinney is sipping, you may dry his body with his fluffiest towel and then apply his favorite lotion. The act of applying the lotion is not only calming to the Kinney but has an equally calming effect on his mate. I'm not sure why that is, perhaps it warrants further study but it is not relevant at this time. All attention must be focused on the cranky Kinney.

Step Five: Donning his robe. Again subtlety is key. The Kinney animal is known for roaming his lair naked; however, a cranky Kinney is an unpredictable creature. The coolness of his space prolongs the crankiness. The warmth and heaviness of his thick robe will counteract this phenomenon. Slip on the robe one arm at a time, never losing contact with his glass. Again, if he feels you are taking away his drink, this could lead to disaster.

Step Six: Feeding your cranky Kinney. This is your most difficult task. The cranky Kinney will not want to eat. To feed your Kinney you must make something easy, a self contained meal without the need for several dishes or cutlery. Jambalaya, for example. It can be eaten with a large spoon and out of a bowl or small dish. Begin by leading your cranky Kinney to his feeding grounds, have bottled water ready and his bowl prepared. Sit across from him with your spoon in your hand. He knows you will not eat until he takes the first bite. Patiently wait with a look of concern in your eyes. He will take pity on you and begin to eat. Wait for the signs that he is enjoying his meal. A keen observer will know them when he sees them.

Step Seven: One last drink after dinner. If the cure has worked the now pleasant and relaxed Kinney will not finish it.

Step Eight: Resting your Kinney. This can be done on his sofa if it's too early to retire or best case scenario, on the Kinney bed. Make a show of securing his lair, lock the door and set the alarm. This will further put your Kinney at ease. Guide him to the bedroom, no lights unless the Kinney turns them on himself. At this point, a naked Kinney is the best Kinney. Wait until he indicates that he will remove his robe or that he may require your assistance. Never assume you will be invited into his bed. Assuming can lead to disaster.

Step Nine: If invited, slowly remove your clothes, offering your assets to your Kinney. Take no offense if he declines your offering. Taking offense will put the crankiness back and again lead to disaster. His temporary refusal maybe an indication of exhaustion. In that case, sleep is the only cure. You have provided your Kinney a warm, safe environment in which to sleep. Allow your Kinney to do so. If he gives you a sign that he may take you up on your offer then do it with grace. Smugness could lead to disaster.

Step Ten: Loving your Kinney. This is the easiest and the most rewarding portion of the cure. Taking your cue from your Kinney, you will determine your role during the love making. The Kinney may want his loving rough and hard, or slow and gentle. Be prepared; have the necessary supplies at the ready.

If your Kinney, for some reason, wants to bottom, under NO circumstances do the 'I get to top Brian Kinney dance.' This will assuredly lead to disaster.

Author's Note: As far as I know there is only one Kinney and he's mine so back off!

(Disaster = yelling, cursing, sulking, tricking, more crankiness, and pushing one out the door and off the cliff.)

So ends 'A Cure For The Cranky Kinney' by Justin Taylor.

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