Come on and lay it down
I’ve always been with you
Here and now
Give all that’s within you
Be my savior
And I’ll be your downfall

***

~Brian’s Loft, January 2003~

"Brian! Brian, answer me!"

Michael was just about to leave the building when he heard Justin’s voice carry down the stairwell. "Oh, shit," he breathed as he dashed back up stairs.

Justin heard someone running up behind him and turned fearfully. It was a nervous reflex.

"Justin, what are you doing here?" Michael gasped as he finally reached the landing.

Justin ignored his question. "I heard a crash inside. I think Brian’s hurt," he exaggerated. He knew Michael would panic but he needed to get inside. "Open the door, Michael, we need to help him."

"Oh, my god," Michael cried as he fished out his keys. "Brian!" he called as the door slid open.

Brian was sitting on the steps to the bedroom, staring at the pool of liquor spreading across the floor amidst the ice and broken glass. He didn’t look up when Michael called to him and his friend froze, wondering what was going on.

"Brian. What’s wrong?" Michael looked at Justin, still unsure why he was there.

Brian stood, but still didn’t look up because he knew Justin was there, he could feel the younger man’s eyes burning into him. "Nothing," he mumbled. "I have to get ready to leave."

Justin launched himself at the man, slipping on the spill and reaching out to grab the man’s arm. He steadied himself and spun Brian around to face him.

Brian automatically reached out and held the younger man. "Careful," he whispered, not wanting Justin to fall.

Justin tried to push him away, but Brian only seemed to hold tighter. The younger man hit his chest with angry fists. "You fucking asshole! How could you?" he shouted.

Michael rushed over and pulled Justin away. "What the hell is the matter with you?" he yelled in surprise.

Justin jerked away and Brian put his hands up. "Mikey, it’s okay."

"No, it’s not," Justin hissed.

"Would someone please tell me what the fuck is going on?" Michael pleaded again.

Brian finally had the courage to look at the angry man before him and Justin glared back. Michael saw the exchange and held his breath. He now had a pretty good idea what was going on. He always knew this moment would be ugly. "Um…Bri, I think you two need to talk," he said softly.

Brian shot him a nervous look. "I don’t have time for this shit," he replied with false bravado. "I have a plane to catch."

Michael put his hand on his friend’s arm. "You have time. You need to do this. Get it over with. It’s about time, don’t you think?" He turned to Justin, but suddenly didn’t know what to say. "I’m sorry," he uttered feebly and left them alone.

Justin watched him leave and turned to face Brian again when the door was securely shut. "How could you listen to her?" he asked, barely controlling his anger.

Brian just stared at him blankly because he didn’t have an answer. He hardly remembered that day and he preferred to keep it that way.

Justin remembered Lindsay and Melanie telling him that Brian cared, but he wondered if it was really affection or guilt. "Did you care at all? Or did she give you a good excuse to leave and ease your conscience?"

Brian looked away.

"Answer me," Justin barked.

"What do you want me to say?" Brian finally replied.

"Did you leave because you wanted to, or because she told you to?"

"Justin--"

"Tell me the fucking truth, Brian." He lowered his voice. "If you ever cared at all, please don’t lie to me anymore. Everyone’s been lying all along and I don’t think I can take anymore," he added weakly.

"She didn’t tell me to leave." That was the truth.

Justin’s heart sank. "She told you to stop seeing me, and you figured it was as good a time as any to leave town and get a new job so you wouldn’t have to deal with the sniveling cripple stalking you again." He forced a crooked smile. "Can’t blame you there. I didn’t want to be with me either."

Justin simply turned to leave then. He wasn’t about to stay where he wasn’t wanted. Despite the pain, the foolish hope that he’d been wrong all along, he wasn’t giving his last little bit of pride to Brian. He knew Brian didn’t want that either.

Brian felt the force of Justin’s words slam into his chest and push the air out. The lack of oxygen made his head spin, his only defense for letting his guard down. He finally gathered enough breath to weakly utter, "I did."

Justin stopped.

Michael opened the loft door. "Ma just called. Jennifer’s on her way over."

He looked at the two men, Justin frozen in front of him and Brian just a foot behind him, reaching out. The older man snatched his hand back, but the memory was already in motion…

~Brian’s Loft, July 2001~

"Brian, are you ready to go?" Michael called through the open loft door. He and Brian were going to go to dinner before Brian’s flight left and he started his new life in New York. The man stopped in the doorway when he saw Justin staring through unseeing eyes, Brian holding with him tears pooling in his.

Brian released Justin and pushed him towards Michael. "Yeah, I just have a few more things to take care of. Will you take Justin home, please? I’ll be ready when you get back." Brian didn’t wait for a response as he disappeared into the bathroom.

Michael turned to Justin, unsure what to say when he realized it didn’t matter. He didn’t think Justin even knew he was there. Or where he was himself. It was obvious from the red puffy eyes that the teen had been crying, but the tears had long since dried. The kid had retreated so far into himself he didn’t protest when Michael led him to the elevator and drove him home. By the time Michael pulled up to Jennifer’s house Justin seemed to be coming around but he still didn’t say anything as he got out. Michael watched him go into the house before pulling away. It was the last time he saw Justin for six months.

~Brian’s Loft, January 2003~

"Too bad I can’t stay and visit with mommy dearest," Brian replied coolly, pulling Michael’s thoughts to back to the present. He picked up his luggage and stood by the door. "Come on, Sonny Boy, time to go."

***

Wonder how you sleep
Wonder what you think of me
If I could go back
Would you have ever been with me

***

~Peterson-Marcus House, October 2001~

"I didn’t think she’d keep you away from him," Brian snapped. He had enough of Lindsay’s bitching that he’d abandoned all of them. Especially his son…and Justin. He knew no one would understand, but he could live with that as long as he knew they were taken care of. And now after being gone for three months, he finds out no one’s seen Justin since he left. He’d almost skipped Gus’ birthday, but he knew Lindsay would never forgive him and it was obviously a good thing he didn’t.

"What?" Lindsay asked in surprise.

Brian closed his mouth, suddenly realizing what he’d said.

But Lindsay wouldn’t be put off. "Who is keeping us away from him? Brian, what’s going on?"

Brian looked away, wondering how to get out of this with his balls in tact.

Reading his mind, Lindsay straddled his lap, pinning him down to the sofa. She took his face in her hands and forced him to look at her. "I know you care about him."

"He’s my son. I never would’ve left if I didn’t know you and Mel were the best parents for him."

She smiled softly. They’d get back to Brian’s perception of his lack of parenting abilities later. "Not Gus. Justin. Tell me what happened." She leaned forward and rested her head on his shoulder, her ear next to his lips so he could whisper secrets to her.

It was an old game they played when they dated briefly in college. Brian liked to whisper in her ear when they were in public. Dirty things to shock her, watching her squirm. Then he started sharing little things about himself, still for shock value. Eventually, he trusted her more and started to really open up, but he still would only whisper in her ear. Things he didn’t want to say out loud.

After a moment she felt his hands slip around her waist. He hugged her and sighed as he buried his face in her hair. Then one hand pushed her hair away from her ear and he whispered, "I miss you."

Lindsay felt tears well up in her eyes. "Come home, Bri," she replied softly.

"I can’t. She doesn’t want me to see him anymore and I can’t…" He drew a shuddering breath and she knew he was crying too.

Two days later, Justin showed up on Lindsay and Melanie’s doorstep with a belated gift for Gus.

~Wyndham Hotel, January 2003~

Looking back, Lindsay realized she should’ve known Gus’ birthday would be the first step to putting things right. It was only natural, considering the boy’s birth had been the same night it all started. And now she had an opportunity to help nudge things along. She saw Jennifer having an argument with Debbie and knew her friend was trying to stop Justin’s mother from going after him.

"He’s hurt and angry," Debbie was saying as she approached. "If you go over there now you’ll just push him further away."

"Excuse me," Lindsay cut in. "Jennifer, some of the guests are looking for Justin. Would you mind making an announcement that he’s ill? I think it would be best coming from you, so they know it’s nothing serious," she said with forced sweetness.

Jennifer wanted to leave and find her son, but she knew Lindsay was right. She needed to say a few words to save face for Justin, and then she could slip out because everyone would think she was looking after him. "Of course," she replied. "Have you seen Eric, he should be with me."

Lindsay pointed to the bar. Jennifer frowned and went after him.

Debbie shook her head. "Poor thing. She just doesn’t understand she can’t protect him anymore. He’s a grown man now."

Lindsay rolled her eyes. "At least that’ll keep her busy for a bit so they can talk. Did you get a hold of Michael?"

"Yeah. He said Sunshine was already there, beating the shit out of Brian," she replied grimly.

"What?"

Debbie remembered the angry young man saying he blamed Brian. "Now that Justin knows what happened, he’s more pissed at Brian for ever going along with Jennifer."

"Oh, no," Lindsay lamented.

Debbie put an arm around her shoulders and squeezed her. "Anyway, Michael said he would warn them Jennifer might show up. I guess that’s all we can do."

***

Justin still stood frozen. Did he hear Brian say he did? He did want to be with him?

"Mikey, take Justin back to the hotel," Brian directed as he pulled the younger man out the door and locked up.

"No," Justin said. "Brian--"

But the moment had passed and Brian slipped back into his cool demeanor. "Yes," he replied firmly, leaving no room for argument. Then he handed one bag to Michael and took the other two himself as he headed down the stairs. He didn’t want to take the elevator in case Justin tried to corner him again. He didn’t even stop to see if anyone was following him.

Justin bolted after him while Michael took the elevator to give them another moment in private.

Justin caught the other man on the fourth floor landing and grabbed the bag on his shoulder to stop him.

Brian glared at him. "Jesus Christ, Justin! What are trying to do, knock me down the stairs?"

"Don’t give me any fucking ideas," the blonde snorted. "You said ‘I did’. You did what, Brian?"

The older man jerked his bag back. "I did want to get away from you," he lied. He wasn’t letting his former lover get to him again. He’d been so close to just saying fuck it all…but he couldn’t hurt him anymore. He needed to get on that plane.

Michael got off the elevator as Brian pushed his way outside to the rental car. "Where’s Justin?"

Brian just took the bag his friend was carrying and pushed his way out the door to the rental car. "Bye, Mikey."

Michael watched the door swing shut and glanced at the stairs. He took a step towards the door to follow Brian, then turned and went up the stairs to find Justin.

***

I want you to trouble me
I wanted you to linger
And I want you to agree with me
I want so much so bad

***

Michael was worried that Justin would be a mess when he found him, but the younger man had pulled himself together and calmly followed the other man out to the car. The older man found his lack of hysterics even more disconcerting. He watched Justin cautiously as they walked to the car.

Brian was pulling out of the parking lot and drove past when they got to Michael’s car. Justin looked down and the sidewalk and waited to be let in. "Justin," Michael started, although he had no idea what to say.

"Let’s just get back to the party," Justin replied. "I think I’ve cause enough of a stir for one night. And it’s my fucking birthday for Christ sake." He shook his head, as if silently admonishing himself for his foolishness. Brian was right, nothing changed. "You and Paul are gonna stay for a bit, right?" he added with forced cheerfulness.

"Sure," Michael agreed as he started the car and headed back to the hotel, once again wondering if the Boy Wonder would ever return. Granted, the angry young man yelling at Brian was the most animated he’d seen Justin in a long time. But the twink they used to know would’ve thrown himself in front of Brian’s car to stop him from leaving.

***

Emmett was keeping tabs on Eric for Lindsay and Melanie while they said good night to the guests and finished with the waitstaff and band. He couldn’t believe what a clusterfuck the whole evening turned out to be. He only wanted Princess to have a good birthday, so he guessed it was worth it if Prince Charming finally rescued him from the frog. He hadn’t always disliked Eric; it had only come on the last few months when Brian became a fixture again. Emmett warned the new beau he had to watch his step or he’d lose Justin, Brian was a touchy subject at best, but the pretentious shit wouldn’t listen to the nelly retail queen. What did he know anyway? They only lived together.

Emmett knew it was fate that Michael moved in with Paul the same time they found out Justin was going to go to school at Pitt U. Auntie Em immediately insisted Justin move in with him so he’d be closer to campus and could get out of his mother’s house. It wasn’t lost on the gang that Jennifer had been keeping them at bay during Justin’s recovery, and when Justin finally started to come around again on his own they were under strict orders from His Royal Badness to not lose him again.

And it couldn’t have been a moment to soon, as far as Emmett was concerned. The poor boy was a wreck. Jennifer had smothered him with paranoia and pills, when the teen clearly needed space and sanity. It took a long time, but Emmett finally got Justin to open up and they slowly worked on the nightmares, fear of crowds, physical therapy, and that sunshine smile. His friends finally provided what all Jennifer’s doctors and therapists couldn’t— a relaxing environment where he could just be himself. Unfortunately, Emmett feared he still had a ways to go, if this evening was any indication.

Emmett’s musings were interrupted by his cell phone. He assumed it was Dirk calling to say he was on his way, but he was surprised when he saw another number displayed on the caller id. "Hello?"

***

Michael pulled up to the hotel and found Emmett pacing outside. "Why isn’t your phone on? I’ve been freezing my ass off out here!"

Michael frowned. "I must have turned it off by accident after I talked to Ma. What’s going on?" Michael asked. Why did he feel this night was about to get infinitely worse?

"We have to hide the Princess," Emmett explained, hustling them around to the side of the building and away from any onlookers. "Everyone thinks you went home sick, sweetie, so we’re gonna sneak in the back door here and put you in the suite I reserved for the party. Everyone else will be up in a little bit."

"I thought the party was in Eric’s suite," Justin reminded him. Not that he wanted to deal with his boyfriend right now, but things couldn’t possibly get any worse so he might as well get it over with. And who knew where his mother was right now. He wondered if he should call her, then decided he didn’t care where she was as long as he didn’t have to see here again tonight.

"We decided we needed a bigger room," Emmett replied quickly as he led them to the elevator.

They rode to the top floor and Emmett led them to the penthouse suite.

"Oh, Emmett, tell me you didn’t," Justin gasped.

Emmett just grinned as he keyed the door with the magnetic card and swung it open for the younger man to enter. Justin couldn’t believe the opulent room before him. The suite had a balcony connected to the bedroom, a sitting room with a fireplace, the kitchenette was stocked with champagne and caviar, and the bathroom’s Jacuzzi was bubbling away.

"Emmett who’s paying for this?" Justin asked suspiciously. He didn’t mean to sound ungrateful, but it was too much for a couple of hours with his friends, most of whom were undoubtedly already too drunk to appreciate it anyway.

"The manager gave me a discount since it would’ve been unoccupied otherwise, and everyone is sharing the remaining cost. It’s nothing, really," he promised as he hugged his friend. "Now, Michael and I are going to go downstairs and round up the gang while you relax for a moment."

He shooed Michael out the door and paused. "Happy birthday, baby."

Justin dropped his jacket on the back of the sofa and sunk into one of the chairs by the fire. "Thanks, Em," he smiled as he kicked off his shoes. Emmett smiled back and disappeared.

When the elevator arrived, Michael was shocked to see Brian get off. "The fucking penthouse, Emmett?" he growled.

Emmett shrugged. "It was the best I could do," he replied without remorse.

Michael looked back and forth between his friends, again at a loss. "What’s going on?" he asked for what seemed the hundredth time that night.

"Prince Charmless here called his fairy godmother for a magical rendezvous with the Princess," Emmett explained, "and now he’s an ungrateful shit."

"I said I wanted to talk to him, not propose," Brian snapped. He should’ve called Ted. "Why the fuck wasn’t your phone on?" he turned on Michael. If Michael had just answered when he tried to call and stop them, he wouldn’t have had to resort to calling Emmett for help.

"Why aren’t you on your way back to New York?" Michael huffed. He was happy his friend decided to stay, but it wasn’t his fault everyone had lost their fucking minds. Was there a full moon out?

Brian was saved from having to answer a question he didn’t have an answer to when Emmett interrupted. "You asked me to intercept him and hide him away from the hordes downstairs and I did," he exclaimed indignantly. "Here’s the room key. Now stop being a big fucking drama queen and go tell him you love him."

"Why must everything be a Bette Davis movie with him?" he asked Michael as he pushed his friend onto the waiting elevator, leaving Brian glaring after them.

***

Justin was afraid he would just nod off if he continued to sit by the fire so he got up and walked around the room, eventually wandering into the bedroom. It was too cold to open the doors to the balcony, but he drew back the curtains and looked at the view of the city below, thousands of lights twinkling against the dark backdrop. He wondered if Brian was looking down at the same lights from his plane.

Brian found him there. "Justin," he said softly so he didn’t startle him.

The younger man stiffened and turned around slowly. "What are you doing here?"

Brian shook his head. "I don’t know," he replied honestly.

Justin’s brow furrowed. "Try again."

"I wanted to be with you."

Justin backed up against the glass, as if it would hold him up. "No. You said…" The emotions he kept bottled up all evening, all these months threatened to sweep him away. He briefly wondered why Brian was…shivering...

Brian watched helplessly as Justin trembled. It started with his lower lip and the quaking seemed to ripple through the rest of his body. He stepped closer but the younger man only shook harder so he stood still.

"You left me…didn’t want me because…" the younger man was sobbing now, the tears flowing unchecked as the dam broke, "…because I was…you left me…you think I’m...damaged…"

Brian was in shock as Justin collapsed against the window and slowly slid to the floor, his slight frame wracked with sobs. He sank to his knees in front of the younger man and pulled him into his arms. "No…no…never…" He brushed the blonde’s hair from his eyes and kissed his tear-stained face. "I always wanted you, baby, always."

***

Be my savior
Only love can save us now

Lay me down
Only love can save us now
I’ll be your downfall
Our love can save us now
Save me now

Lay it down
I’ve always been with you
Hear me now
With all that’s within you
Be my savior
And I’ll be your downfall

Let me be your downfall

(Lyrics from ‘Downfall’ by Rob Thomas and Matt Serletic)

Return to Another Fork In the Road