If you had known, that first night, the path he would lead you down when you first spied him, looking so young and frightened under the streetlamp, you might have run the opposite way as though all the demons from hell were hot on your heels.

If you had known, that first night, the overwhelming jealously he would ignite deep within your soul, as you watched him steal your trick du jour after a ridiculous dance contest, you might have pushed him further away, not allowing him to return.

If you had known, that first night, the devastating pain that would pierce your heart as you realized you might lose him, first to a baseball bat, later to a bomb that was set off in your sexual playground, you might have built up the walls surrounding that vulnerable organ, forbidding him entrance.

If you had known, that first night, the horrible anger he would spark, time and time again-as he cheated on you with the fiddler; when you thought he pitied you during your cancer treatment-you might have driven off in your jeep, protected from all emotions.

If you had known, that first night, the paralyzing fear his actions would cause you, knowing he was out searching for trouble with the Pink Posse, yet unable to keep him safe from all the bigots of the world, you might have fucked him then walked away, secure in your little universe.

If you had known, that first night, the intense pleasure he would bring you as you tenderly made love to him for the first time after the bashing, you might have pulled him closer, swearing to yourself you would protect him always.

If you had known, that first night, the incredible joy you would feel, lying here in the dark beside him as he slept, you might have pursued him, instead of letting him be the one who fought for your relationship.

If you had known, that first night, the overpowering tenderness that would flood your senses as you reached out to gently stroke his hair, the glint of the platinum band on your finger rivaled only by the glittering of his blond hair in the moonlight, you might not have struggled so hard against him through the years.

If you had known, that first night, the all-encompassing love that would sweep through you as he woke and slowly smiled at you, proving yet again that his nickname of Sunshine was well-deserved, you might have married him sooner.

If you had known, that first night, that all your rules would be broken, you might have left him standing there, looking so angelic under the lamplight.

But you hadn't known-and you silently offer up a prayer of thanks to whatever deity above that might hear you. Because if you had known, you might not be here, holding him close to your body through the night. And here is the only place you ever want to be.

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