Reduced Fics

Our own Astra Plain came up with the idea for these very brief fics, based on the Reduced Shakespeare Company which compacts the works of William Shakespeare into just a few minutes. We've taken some books, some movies, some TV shows (including our beloved QAF) and some of our own works and reduced them to the bare essentials. Hope you enjoy them.

Eric: No Sookie is Mine and so is Yvetta and Talbot and anyone else I set my sexy Viking Vampire sights on.

Sookie: I love Bill. I want Eric. I killed Lorena and Renee and a whole bunch of other people. I can hear your thoughts, unless you're a vampire.

Jason: I'm dumb as a box of hair, but I'm hot as fuck.

Pam: The only thing I love more than my shoes is Eric. "Are you picking up what I'm puttin down?"

Sam: I'm a dog. No I'm a barkeep. I love Sookie. I fucked Tara. I'm NOT a pussy!

Tara: My life sucks. I love Jason. I loved Eggs, I HATE vampires. Tequila is my friend.

Lafayette: Hookah, I'm the hottest piece of ass in town. V ain't no joke, you gots ta be careful with that shit.

Jessica: Being a baby vamp with Bill for a daddy sucks. And not in the fun way. Oh, and being a virgin for eternity totally bites.

Magister: Back Your Shit Down!

Vampires DON'T sparkle! They fuck, and feed. You've been warned.

The end...

Reduced X-Files (whole series) by Astra Plain

"I want to believe."

"So do I Mulder, but I haven't had a decent paycheck in nine years so I'm calling this one 'natural causes' and taking that job offer at Johns Hopkins."

Reduced Pride and Prejudice by Ela

"My mother wants to marry me off, but he said inconveniently true words about my family," Elizabeth said.

"I want to marry her, but not her family," Mr. Darcy said. "But I'll save her sister anyway."

"My sister is safely married now," Elizabeth said. "Now I have to marry him."

The End

"Babylon, the perfect place for a hott, horny 17yr old like me to be to lose my virginity," Justin thinks.

"I said 'hot'," Brian clarified, using simple words. He tapped the pocket containing a plane ticket to NYC and kept on dancing.

Reduced Sunshine Files by Thyme

Brian and Justin go in search of Brian's ancestors. They find them.

"Let's buy a cottage and live in the country and you could have a baby daughter," Brian says.

"Okay," Justin replies.

So they did.

THE END

Reduced Harry Potter (all seven books) by Astra Plain

"I'm an orphan wizard-wannabe with a scar and He Who Must Not Be Named wants to kill me. But does it get me out of potions class? No!"

"Harry, you're a whiney git. Come on, Ron, let's go hang out with Neville. He's an orphan too, you know."

The End

"We've been shot, drugged, kidnapped, thrown out of planes, dangled out of helicopters and drowned in a fountain."

"I really don't want to know about this, do I?" Simon groused as he chomped down on his cigar.

"It's a Sentinel thing, Sir," Jim and Blair say with a shrug as they help themselves to their Captain's coffee.

Reduced Lord of the Rings (all 3 books/movies) by Astra Plain

"Samwise Gamgee! Come back with that ring," Gandalf shouted as the rest of the council fell silent, staring at the place the gardener had stood just a moment before.

"You don't need to be shouting," Sam answered as he re-appeared at the edge of the garden. "The ring is gone just as you wanted. I don't see the point of going great distances when it's done so easy right here."

"How?" Frodo asked weakly.

"The ring was powerful enough to do anything, so I ordered it to turn into dirt. Sorry about your petunias Master Elrond."

The End

Reduced Fantasy Seasons 1-10 by: O.G. Walton

"I'm going to teach you to be the best homosexual you can be," Brian said to Justin.

Justin looked at Tony, and Brian. "In that case, I want both of you," he said.

"No Way!" Brian growled.

"Yes way." Tony smiled.

"Good. It's all settled." Justin said.

THE END

Reduced Indiana Jones by Astra Plain

"Here, Dad!" Indiana shoved the whip into his father's hand and put on his hat.

To the left were a group of armed men and to the right was a rapidly approaching boulder.

Reduced Christmas Carol by Astra Plain

"It was a bit of underdone potato!" Ebenezer said, letting out another loud belch.

The End

Reduced Close to Home (all three parts and probably any to come) by Thyme {written for hellonwheels 01}

Brian is hit by a drunk driver and confined to a wheelchair, and spends years alone cut off from everyone.

Justin moves in downstairs of the loft. "I have muffins and hot wheelchair sex to offer," Justin says visiting his neighbor.

"Let's go out in the world and buy a house together," Brian replies. "And have lots of sex," Brian reminds him with the raise of an eyebrow.

Justin smiles his Sunshine smile and Brian knows he'll get lots of sex.

The End

Justin comes home and Brian turns a new trick

And they all lived happily ever after

I am the last of my kind, traveling the universe in the Tardis, a blue police box.

I am a Time Lord, hundreds of years old, instead of dying I transform into a new body.

Our father dies so my mother, two sisters and I are now penniless, forced out from our great house to live in a small cottage on the estate of a distant cousin.

My sister falls into a coma due to a fever then wakes up, marries the colonel who's old but rich.

My man is disinherited, he releases his fiancée from their engagement so she can marry his now rich younger brother who got all the money, so now we can marry and he becomes a vicar.

My mother and youngest sister are now safe and secure and we all live happily ever after.

The End

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Reduced Merchant of Venice by Ela

Says Bassanio: "I want to marry her, so give me money, my beloved Antonio!"
Says Antonio: "He doesn't want to marry me, so give me money, my loathed Shylock!"
Says Shylock: "I don't want you to marry a Christian, so give me my money back, my faithless Jessica!"
Says Jessica: "I want to marry a Christian, so I give you my money, my beloved Lorenzo!"
Says Lorenzo: "I want to marry a Jew, so give my money bag a hidey hole, my successful Bassanio!"
Says Bassanio: "I would have wanted to marry Antonio but I had to marry money, so give me some of your money that's now my money, my loaded wife Portia!"
Says Portia: "I want to marry also my husband's beloved Antonio, so let's give my money a run of their life, my helpful Nerissa!"
Says Nerissa: "I want to marry a man and not to be in Venice, so give the Jew his money already, my honored Duke of Venice!"
Says the Duke of Venice: "I want to marry no one, so I don't care who gets the money, my quarrelsome Shylock!"
Says Shylock: "I want to marry my knife with a pound of Antonio's flesh, so give me the worth of my money, my honored-not
Balthazar-Portia-in-disguise!"
Says Bathazar-Portia-in-disguise: "I want to marry Shylock's life with the mercy of the Duke, so give Antonio one half of Shylock's money and what's worth of money, my honored Duke of Venice!"
Says the Duke of Venice: "I want to forget I'm married, so I give myself one half of Shylock's money and what's worth of money, my tiresome pride of Venetians and Paduans-Belmont-citizens-in-disguise.
Says the pride of Venetians and Paduans-Belmont-citizens-in-disguise: "We're married now, so give us the money for our performance, our beloved audience!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The More Reduced Merchant of Venice by Ela

All the men but Antonio and Shylock want to marry and to get money.

All the women want to marry and are willing to give money to the men; even Nerissa who has none.

Shylock wants a pound of Antonio's flesh, but does not get even money.

Antonio wants to die, but gets Shylock's money.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Most Reduced Merchant of Venice by Ela

At the end, everybody but Anthony is married and anyone but Shylock has got money.

The End

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Reduced He-Man by Astra Plain

"By the power of Greyskull..." He said, holding his mighty sword aloft

"...You are He-Man. Yeah, we know." Teela said, sounding completely bored. "Look, can't you just skip the theatrics and stop Skeletor already? I'm tired of having to repair the castle."

"I liked it better before Orko invented corrective lenses," Prince Adam said with a sigh. He really missed wearing those furry briefs.

The End

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Reduced Fraggle Rock: (key in theme song) by Sabina

Uncle Traveling Matt finds Outer Space;

Gobo, Red, Boober, Wembley, and Mokey explore their world and eat Doozer constructions;

The Doozer harvest radishes to make their constructions for the Fraggles to eat;

The Gorgs grow the radishes.

The End

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Reduced The O.C. by Twinflower

"Ryan, talk to me. I know brooding is like your thing and all that but…"

"Seth."

"Yeah? I know I talk too much but that's okay, we balance each other that way. Let's go grab a coffee. We'll pick up Summer and Marissa, I mean Theresa, I mean Lindsay, I mean Taylor."

"Okay."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Reduced The O.C. (gay version / non-canon) by Twinflower

"Hey." God, he's hot. That wife beater is definitely his thing.

"Hey." Damn, he's cute. In a geeky sort of way.

"Wanna play?"

"Sure."

And they lived happily ever after.

The End

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Reduced DC Universe by Simon

"Come on, Robin. The Riddler has escaped again, chum."

"Holy Bad Joke, Batman!"

The End

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Reduced The Black Stallion by Simon

Alec: "Golly, I really love my horse. He runs fast."

The End

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Reduced Ela's QAF Fanfiction by Ela

It's all about Brian.

It's all about sneaking a trick into the story.

And a trick to Brian, too.

The End

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Reduced Soylent Green (1973) starring Charlton Heston, Chuck Connors and Edward G. Robinson by Sabina

"Soylent Green is people!"

The End

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~