TRIAL
He'd been standing for so long that his joints had nearly frozen in place. It was the ringing of the telephone that finally got his attention. He grimaced as he turned away from the balcony doors. The cold had seeped in from the outside, chilling him until his skin became almost ice cold.
Automatically rubbing his hands, Jim Ellison walked across the living room and snatched at the phone. "Ellison." At least his voice was normal.
"Jim." Simon softly greeted.
Jim slowly exhaled. "He didn't come back, did he?"
"No." Simon thought about the conversation he'd had in his head the entire drive back to Cascade…how he'd planning to put a positive spin on Blair's actions. Instead, he decided on the truth. "He's doing…better, I think."
"He's not a danger to himself, is he?" Jim bluntly asked.
Simon rubbed the bridge of his nose. Trust Ellison not to sugar-coat anything. "No, he's not. I think he's…processing."
Ellison's mouth twisted in a bitter half-smile. "Blair's good at that," he admitted. After a moment's pause, he closed his eyes. "He didn't open the envelope."
"He kept the envelope," Simon quickly pointed out. "He hasn't done that before. I don't think he wanted to open it in front of me."
Jim opened his eyes. "I'm sure."
"Ellison…" Simon sighed. "I'm going to call out for Italian. Why don't you come over, and we'll watch the Jags game together?"
"Thank you, Simon," Jim genuinely smiled. "But it's turning nasty outside. I think I'll just stay in."
"Alright," Simon reluctantly agreed. "I'll see you Monday. Right?"
"Yes, sir," Jim evenly agreed. "The IA hearing's at 9 am. Your office at 8 am."
"Exactly." Simon slowly relaxed. "Good night, Jim." He waited until Jim hung up before slowly replacing the receiver. There were so many people he wanted to throttle. Naomi Sandburg for starters. How that woman could cause so much trouble and then just leave…
Simon hit the speed dial for Mama Roselli's Restaurant. As he waited for the connection, he stared out the dark windows. Most of all he wanted to shake some sense into a certain Sentinel and Guide.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jim silently pushed all the furniture in the living room against the walls, creating a large open space. Ignoring the wind-blown rain that slashed against the balcony doors, he went upstairs. A few minutes later, he returned with a book of matches, several candles, and a small bag from his closet. He arranged the candles in a semi-circle then inserted a CD into the stereo. Adjusting the sound so it was more background noise than anything else, he turned out all the lights in the loft. Sitting cross-legged facing the candles, he silently lit each one.
Jim smiled as the vanilla scent wafted towards him. He'd never understood the impulse that caused him to take the unused candles and CD from Blair's room the day before his Guide left. Now he understood.
He glanced at the fireplace then shrugged. The fire would keep the room warm despite the cold dampness seeping in through the balcony windows.
Jim removed his shirt and opened the bag. Removing a jar of greasepaint, he slowly and methodically began painting first his face then his arms. Part of his mind wondered how he knew which of the many Chopec symbols to use. The rest of his mind simply shrugged. The question was irrelevant.
Jim then slowly relaxed his body and closed his eyes. His heart's rhythm quickly matched the beat of the soft drums from the CD. He found himself slowly falling into the meditative state Blair had taught him…then willed himself to go deeper.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Dammit."
Blair Sandburg stared up at the ceiling in frustration. He was tired. Physically. Emotionally. All he wanted was to fall into the blessed numbness of a deep sleep. Instead, he was wide-awake and staring at the ceiling as though waiting for divine guidance.
Blair shivered as he felt strong gusts of wind hit the side of the small cabin. He hoped Simon had made it off the mountain before the storm broke. He had enough time to do so but…
Shaking his head, Blair rose from the bed. He found the warm thick robe he'd tossed over a nearby chair. Pulling it around him, he asked himself once again what demon possessed him to take Jim's heavy winter robe when he left the loft. He couldn't count the nights he curled up within its warmth and cried himself to sleep. He told himself once again he'd taken it only because of the warmth it provided.
Blair shuffled into the tiny kitchen and reached for the teakettle. Fortunately, he could do this in the dark since the small cabin had neither electricity nor a generator.
He was startled to hear a loud thump against the front door. Taking a deep breath, Blair opened a cabinet drawer and reached for a heavy flashlight. Hearing the thump once more, he quietly moved towards the door.
Blair whipped the front door open and raised the flashlight as a weapon. Then he nearly dropped it in shock.
Standing in the wet grass only a few feet from the front door was a snarling silver wolf.
"Oh god," Blair breathed. He started to slam the door shut when the wolf threw its head back and let out a long mournful howl. Blair shivered as the howl seemed to take hold of his soul.
The wolf began to pace back and forth, snarling in Blair's direction.
"No," Blair shook his head. "No!"
This time the wolf howled in anger.
"I'm not a Guide anymore!" Blair screamed. "Leave me alone!" He slammed the door shut and leaned his forehead against the unyielding wood. "I'm not a Guide," he whimpered.
He heard the wolf howl once more. This time, the howl was echoed by a roar of an animal not native to Washington State. It was the roar of anguished jaguar.
Blair turned the flashlight on and swung around. "Where is it? Where did I put it? WHERE?!!!" Frantic, he searched first the living room and then the kitchen before finding the worn crumpled envelope Simon had left for him.
Shaking, Blair ripped the envelope open. Struggling to read by the light of the dim flashlight, he gasped he finally comprehended what he read.
"Blair.
You know I'm no good with words. At least the words that count. But that doesn't mean I don’t mean them.
I'm sorry.
For all the times I brushed you aside in my own impatience to get somewhere or do something.
For all the times I didn't listen when you were trying to help me.
For all the times I put you in danger.
For all the times you were hurt.
For all the times that I accused you of things you're simply not capable of doing.
The dissertation. I never should have read it.
Alex. How could I have thought you'd choose another Sentinel over me?
The dissertation again. How could I have believed you would betray me? And for money, for God's sake!
I'm a Sentinel. And a Sentinel is bound to protect his Guide.
I failed. More than once.
I failed to protect you many times. Lash. Kincaid. Alex. You sacrificed your life and your career to protect me. But I failed to protect you when things were bad at the Academy. I failed to protect you when you became a cop. I failed you when they threw you in jail.
I failed you when you pulled away and tried to end your life.
For these crimes, I stand guilty.
I won't ask for your forgiveness. I think even now you'd grant it, but forgiveness should be given to those who have earned it.
This is my choice. No matter what happens, this is my responsibility, Blair. No one else's. Certainly not yours.
If I could ask one thing, it would be to let Simon, Joel, and your other friends help you. I think its killing Joel that you've cut yourself off from them. Please think about it.
Incacha said I was a Sentinel as long as I chose to be. I chose to be a Sentinel years ago, and I still choose to be a Sentinel.
It's as a Sentinel that I stand condemned of my crimes.
It's as a Sentinel that I will pay for my crimes.
My worst crime was not telling you that I love you. You suffered so much alone because you never knew I loved you. If I could, I would have taken all your suffering myself. But talk is cheap. It's actions that will count now.
I love you.
"No," Blair breathed. Panicked, he ran towards the front door. Throwing it open, he saw the silver wolf disappearing into the nearby forest. "NO! Don't you dare leave without me!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anyone watching the silent man sitting in front of the brightly lit candles could be forgiven for thinking he had fallen asleep.
Then, without opening his eyes, Jim unerringly reached out with his left hand to the nearby bag. Fingers briefly slid inside then withdrew holding a sheathed knife.
Still with unopened eyes, the silent Sentinel pulled the knife free of the sheathe with his right hand. The sheathe slid from the fingers of his left hand.
The knife easily rested in his right hand as he willed himself deeper into the trance.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blair alternately cursed the drenching downpour, the cold wind whipping around his shivering body, his haste in not dressing properly, and the silver wolf who barely stayed within eyesight.
"Come back here!" Blair screamed when the wolf disappeared through the dark underbrush. "Dammit!"
Over the roar of the wind and rain, he heard the wolf's angry howl followed by the sad, mournful roar of the jaguar.
Breathing hard, Blair tried to concentrate. He knew the jaguar was Jim's spirit animal. The wolf was his. The weary young man told himself to relax and let his instinct take over.
Almost immediately he felt the wind push him to his right. Without questioning himself, Blair began running in that direction. He was soon rewarded to see the glow of a campfire through the trees.
Not pausing to question how anyone could start a campfire in this storm, let alone maintain it, he saw the trees thinning out then open in to a clearing.
As Blair ran into the clearing, the silver wolf jumped into his path. Startled, Blair slid to a halt. Staring past the wolf, he saw Jim sitting cross-legged looking into the campfire. Jim didn't turn at his arrival but seemed deep in a trance. He was shirtless with his face and upper body covered in painted symbols. At the opposite side of the campfire, lay the black jaguar.
The animal raised its head at Blair's appearance then lowered his head back onto
his front paws…almost in resigned sadness.
Blair took a step forward only to be blocked by the snarling silver wolf.
"Let me pass!" Blair demanded. His eyes flickered back to Jim, and he caught his breath at the sight of the hunting knife in Jim's hands. "Jim!"
Jim ignored him.
The wolf snarled again.
Blair dropped to his knees in front of the wolf. "Please," he begged. "Let me go to him."
"Why?"
Blair nearly fell into the mud as he spun around. "Incacha?" he squeaked.
The Chopec shaman angrily stared down at him. "Sentinel and Guide have parted. Both of you have abused the trust placed within you."
From the corner of his eyes, Blair saw Jim raise the knife. "NO! Incacha! Stop him!" He tried again to go to Jim, but the wolf blocked his path.
"Both Sentinel and Guide have much to answer for," Incacha coldly spoke. "Both failed to protect the other."
"Then punish me," Blair anxiously offered. "It was my fault. All of it. I never should have left Jim's name on the diss. I never should have written it." He slumped to his knees in the mud. "I knew I couldn't turn it in. But I couldn't let it go. It was the only connection I had to Jim." He wiped both tears and rain from his eyes. "Oh, God, Jim. I'm sorry. Forgive me."
"Both Sentinel and Guide failed to protect each other," Incacha repeated. He looked from Blair to Jim. "Forgiveness comes to those who earn it."
"That's what Jim said," Blair sniffed. He risked a look over his shoulder.
Jim sat motionless facing the fire.
"Incacha, is this a vision? Tell me Jim's not…" Blair began.
"It is what you see," Incacha interrupted. "The path is yours. Be a Guide or not be a Guide."
Blair closed his eyes at the sudden flash of lightning. He winced as the booming thunder rolled over his head. When he opened his eyes, Incacha, the fire, Jim, and the wolf was gone.
The black jaguar, however, patiently waited a few feet away. When the animal saw Blair had noticed him, he slowly began heading for the trees.
Silently, Blair followed, confident the animal would lead him back to the cabin. Several times, he shivered and nearly fell to his knees. Each time, the jaguar waited with sad patience.
Just before they reached the cabin, Blair reached out to tentatively touch the huge cat. The animal shivered but allowed the touch.
"Watch over Jim, please," Blair whispered. "Help him until I get there. Please."
The jaguar stared at Blair for a few moments then disappeared into the darkness.
Blair blinked, trying to see the dark cat for several moments. Then he turned and ran towards the cabin. He remembered Simon's words. 'He's barely hanging on…at work, at home…he's going down, slowly but surely. He needs you.'
Blair finally admitted they needed one another.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hours later, Blair's car barely slid into the parking space before the driver literally threw himself out of the front seat. Glancing up, he saw flickering light from the windows.
"Pleasepleasepleaseplease…"
Blair had pleaded with every deity he'd ever heard of all the way from his mountain retreat. Pleaded for intervention…protection…forgiveness.
Halting at the front door, he automatically reached into his pocket for the keys. Frustrated, he banged on the door. "Jim!" Without waiting for a response, he reached on tiptoe praying that Jim hadn't remembered to remove the spare that Blair normally hid in the recessed mantle.
"Thank you," Blair murmured as his fingers curled around the key. Fumbling slightly, he unlocked the door. "Jim!" He winced as the sound of the slamming door behind him echoed throughout the silent loft. "Oh, god," the young man murmured.
Jim sat facing the half-circle of candles. Two of them had burned out, leaving the remaining three flickering. Jim's eyes were closed, and he barely seemed to be breathing. The fingers of his right hand, however, reflexively curled around the hilt of the hunting knife.
As Blair cautiously approached, a third candle flickered and died. When it did, Jim grasped the hilt of the dagger harder and slowly raised it.
"NO!"
Blair dived towards the Sentinel, knocking them both sideways. The dagger slid from Jim's hand and flew across the floor to rest in the dark corner.
Jim's eyes opened in surprise. There was a weight on his right arm and shoulder. And a familiar voice was threatening him in a sobbing tone.
"Don't you dare don't you ever dare don't you ever dare do this you hear me you ever even think of something like this again and I'll kick your ass so far and so hard you'll forget what it looks like I'll shake you until every tooth in your head rattles I'll take your handcuffs and cuff you to me until hell freezes over I'll…"
"Blair?" Jim croaked.
Silence.
"Yeah?" Blair murmured.
Hesitantly, Jim reached across his body and buried his fingers in Blair's curls. Risking a glance to his right, Jim shuddered. "Blair." He heard Blair sniffle and instinctively curled against him. "You're freezing," he muttered.
Blair quickly wiped his eyes. "It's cold in here."
Jim glanced at the fireplace as the final two candles flickered out. "I'll put on some more wood." But he didn't move except to pull Blair closer to him. "Why?"
"What kind of a question is that?" Blair angrily demanded. He rolled over to face Jim.
Both men were shocked and saddened by the way the other man looked.
"Oh, man," Blair moaned. He reached out to gently run a hand down Jim's cheek. "I'm so sorry."
"So am I," Jim choked out. "God, Blair. So sorry."
They pulled each other into a tight hug.
"We both screwed up, man. Big time," Blair finally gasped.
"Never again. I swear. I'll never hurt you…doubt you…" Jim murmured into Blair's hair.
Suddenly, Blair sat up and hit Jim on the shoulder. "What the hell were you thinking?" he shouted.
Jim also sat up and rubbed his eyes. "The same as you, Chief." He slowly reached out and ran his fingers up Blair's left arm. "The same as you."
"God, do you think I'd want that?" Blair angrily demanded.
"You punished yourself." Jim soothingly rubbed his friend's arm. "Why should I escape punishment?"
Recalling Jim's letter, Blair frowned. "Maybe we've both earned that forgiveness?" He stared at Jim with wide eyes. "I really love you, Jim. So damned much."
Jim opened his arms. "Not as much as I love you, Blair. Forever and ever."
Slowly, Blair moved into his Sentinel's arms. "I am a Guide. And the Guide protects the Sentinel," he whispered.
Jim stared into the flickering firelight. "I am a Sentinel. And the Sentinel protects the Guide."
August 2001
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