Change
Part 2

Brian POV


Things started going really great. I was earning enough money to get my own place, even though I told Ben that I wouldn’t move out unless he was really sure that he could handle it. He said that while he enjoyed the company, he knew that I was happier on my own and he could handle things. So Justin and I went apartment hunting. I decided to take Justin with me because he has a great eye and because he was hopefully going to be spending a great deal of time in the apartment with me. I couldn’t ask him to move in after what happened with living with him and Daphne, but he could at least stay over a lot and stuff like that. Especially now that he was out of school for the summer and we had almost the exact same schedule.

Once it was possible the owner put Justin and me on the same schedule because when the two of us were working together was when the diner was its busiest. It went nonstop from the start of our shift to the end. People kept filing in. One couple that came in actually had an argument over whose section they wanted to sit in. That was stupid, yet funny. The tips have been phenomenal too. I really thought I wouldn’t be good at being a waiter anymore, but it’s like a bicycle. You just never forget. And nobody seems to care that I used to be an asshole to everybody. Key phrase in that sentence being used to be. When you work in the service industry you can’t be an asshole to anybody and expect to get any kind of tip. So the smile stays on and I ignore the jokes at my expense, occasionally dishing out some of my own and life just moves right on by.

So Justin and I are out looking at apartments when his cell rings. I still haven’t gotten around to getting mine reactivated but I figure I’m either with Justin or at the diner or at home so I can be reached one of those ways. I watched as Justin listened to the person that was talking on the other end and his face kind of went white.

“Okay, we’ll be right there.” Justin said and hung up the phone. He looked at me.

“What’s going on?”

“It’s Vic. They had to take him to the hospital.” Justin said. I, of course, went into full panic mode. I mean, Vic was like a father to me. He gave me advice that no one else could give and he was always willing to listen when I needed someone to talk to. But he also didn’t bullshit around. He’s the one that taught me to be honest no matter what because a little hurtful honestly doesn’t hurt as much as a lie. We practically ran out to Justin’s car and he broke about a million traffic laws getting to the hospital.

We both ran in and up to the nurse’s station asking for Victor Grassi. The nurse asked if we were family and I told her that I was his son. She just nodded and gave us the room information. She tried to say Justin couldn’t go with me because he wasn’t family.

“Well, according to the law in Vermont he is.” I said with my arm thrown around him possessively. I’m pretty sure she was going to say that we weren’t in Vermont but I didn’t give her the chance. I just led Justin along with me. I could see out of the corner of my eye that he had that wistful “maybe someday” look in his eyes and I suddenly regretted my words. Marriage just isn’t for me. Even if I stay with Justin for the rest of my life we won’t ever get married because it’s too hetero. But, that argument could wait until another time.

We found Debbie sitting in a chair beside the bed. Vic was either unconscious or asleep, I couldn’t tell which. She didn’t notice us come in until I put my hand on her shoulder. A nurse came in to check Vic’s vitals before either of us could speak so I had to go along with the charade I’d told the nurse’s station.

“How’s he doing, Aunt Deb?” I gave her that “just go along with it I’ll explain later” kind of look. Debbie was always very smart, she picked up right away.

“Not good, I’m afraid.” A tear rolled down her cheek and I wiped it away for her. Justin went to the other side of the bed and took Vic’s hand, stroking the back gently. He looked so frail and weak. I simply sighed and nodded and then the nurse left and Debbie looked at me. “Aunt Deb?”

“I told the nurse’s station that I’m his son so that they’d let us back.” I smiled at her and she nodded.

“You’re probably as close as he ever got, sweetie.” She smiled back at me.

“Stop talking about me like I’m not here.” We all jumped when Vic spoke, even though it was quiet.

“Honey, you need to rest.” Debbie told him as she adjusted his blanket.

“Yeah, dad.” I said with a smile. He looked at me a minute and smiled this wonderful smile. I could tell he was putting a lot of effort into that smile but he looked genuinely happy. It made tears come to my eyes that I had actually done that for him and I had to turn away before they fell.

The rest of the visit was mainly Vic drifting in and out of consciousness while Debbie, Justin and I talked around him. He tried to listen and participated when he could, but the three of us carried the bulk of the conversation. Soon visiting hours were over and we had to leave. We all promised to come back the next day and Justin and I started heading out to the car.

“Brian, can I talk to you for a minute?” Debbie looked like it was something important and Justin kissed my cheek and said he’d meet me outside. Debbie went over and sat down on one of the chairs and I sat beside her. The hard, plastic chair was uncomfortable enough for me; I could only imagine how uncomfortable it was for Deb.

“What’s up?”

“Well…..his health insurance doesn’t cover all the costs. We’re going to have to pay some of it and I don’t know how long he’s going to be in here and all of his disability is getting routed to pay for the hospital bill but there’s still some that we have to pay and I don’t know how I’m going to do it.” This all came out in one breath and she gasped when she got done. I looked at her for a minute and she looked really worried. I could also tell that she didn’t want to bother me with this.

“I’ll help.” The words came out of my mouth automatically. I didn’t even have to think about it.

“No, Brian…” She started and I stopped her.

“How many times did you take me to the hospital after Jack beat the shit out of me? And how many hospital bills did you pay so that no body would know what was really going on? Deb, you’ve taken care of me so many times in so many ways. Let me do this, please.”

“But what about you’re apartment? You can’t afford to help me and pay rent and bills and shit.”

“You’re right, I can’t.”

“So I guess that means…”

“That I’ll move into Mikey’s old room.” I couldn’t believe that I had actually said that and it was obvious that she couldn’t either. She looked at me like I had grown a third eye or something.

“Brian….”

“Look. Ben got a call from Mikey not too long ago that he and Hunter are on the way back. They should be here any day. I’m going to need a place to stay soon. And if I’m helping you with your bills I can’t really afford to pay rent and phone and electricity. So I’ll move into Mikey’s old room. It’s not like I haven’t stayed there before. And you need the help so don’t tell me no.”

“You’re a stubborn little asshole, aren’t you?” Debbie asked with a smile.

“You know it.” I smiled.

“A stubborn little asshole with a big heart.” She said as she kissed my cheek. I know she left lipstick on my cheek but I really didn’t care.

“Like I said, Deb. You’ve helped me more times than I can count. It’s the least I can do.” We smiled at each other a minute and my smile faded as soon as she uttered the next words that came from her lips.

“Do I need to remind you of the rules of the house?”

“You can’t be fucking serious.” I said. I honestly thought she was joking but she just looked at me and I realized she wasn’t. She just put her hands on her hips and looked at me with a raised eyebrow and I sighed and started listing off the rules I’d known since I was fifteen years old. “I still don’t see why I have to follow these rules.”

“Because whether or not you’re helping pay the bills you’re still living under my roof.” Debbie said. “And every land lord has rules.” I couldn’t do anything but agree with that.

“I do have one question though.”

“What’s that?”

“Well, you said no tricks after midnight but……Justin isn’t a trick.” I couldn’t keep the smirk off my face. She laughed and shook her head.

“I guess Sunshine is the exception.” She smiled. So, that was the final negotiation and I started moving in the next day. It took me a week or so to really get settled and I remember looking around the room and wondering what the fuck I was doing but then I just lay down on the bed and all the good times I’d had in that room came flooding back to me.

The one that really came to the forefront was the time that Justin and I fucked in that room the day that Ted woke up from the coma and his mom found out he’s gay. I couldn’t have kept from getting hard if I tried. Truth be told I didn’t really try all that much to keep it down. I started stroking myself through my jeans because it was going to be another couple of hours before Justin got out of class and I really didn’t want to wait that long. I also thought that Debbie was going to be gone for another three or four hours.

I started jerking off, thinking about Justin, remembering that night that I practically pinned him to the bed with my dick. So I’m laying there and stroking myself and it gets a little faster and I just can’t keep from moaning because I’m imagining that it’s Justin’s hand. And once again, right as I’m about to cum, Debbie barges in the door.

“You all settled in?” She asks and I roll over and fall off the bed trying to get myself together. She just laughed at me and I looked up at her.

“I am going to have a lock installed on that door.” I said and she simply shrugged and then laughed.

“I’ll let you finish up.” She said with a smirk before leaving. I sighed and lay down on the bed again and wouldn’t you know it? I was still hard. So I finished up and cleaned up and then made sure that I had unpacked everything before taking a shower and going down to help Deb fix dinner.

It had been about two months and Vic wasn’t getting any better but he wasn’t getting any worse either. I was pulling some extra shifts so that I could bring in more money. All of Debbie’s paycheck was going to the ever-increasing medical bills leaving me to pay the rest. I really didn’t mind, to be honest. I’m glad that Deb was finally willing to accept my help. She usually tried to say she didn’t need the money.

I went by to see Vic every chance I got. The night nurse in his wing was actually the same nurse that was the night nurse when Justin was in the hospital so she let me in after visiting hours to see Vic. I’m never going to forget the night it happened for a million years. It’s going to stay engrained in my memory for the rest of my life.

I walked into the room and he looked like he was sleeping. The heart monitor was beeping kind of weird and he looked really pale and sick and I thought that the doctors saying he wasn’t getting worse was suddenly a crock of shit. I sat down by the bed and took his hand and he opened his eyes and smiled at me a little. I couldn’t keep the tears from rolling down my cheeks. My rock hard, iron will, emotionless mask just couldn’t come into place when it came to Vic.

“Hey, no crying got it.” He said with a chuckle that turned into a horrible cough.

“You need to rest.”

“I’ll get plenty of rest soon enough.” His expression was grave. I couldn’t help but get angry with him.

“Don’t talk like that! You’re going to be fine.”

“Brian, you’re a smart kid. I know you don’t really think that.” He sighed. I kind of laughed because no one had called me a kid in a long time. “We both know it’s just my time, Brian.” He said to me and there was so much emotion in his voice. The tears were rolling down my cheeks now and I just couldn’t get them to stop.

“I don’t want you to go.” I lay down on the bed and snuggled up close to him and he put his arms around me and I just closed my eyes and he let me cry. We stayed like that for a few minutes and then the heart monitor started going even more wonky.

“Promise me something Brian.” He said as he stroked my hair. I just held on a little tighter.

“Hmmm?”

“Please just…….let me go.” He said in the softest voice and held me close. I looked up at him and I could see it was what he really wanted so all I could do was nod. Can’t deny the last request of a dying man, right? About ten seconds later the heart monitor flat lined and the doctors came running in and I just held him and cried. When they tried to get me to move I shook my head and told them it was what he wanted and asked if I could have some time alone. I lay there in that bed with Vic for about two hours before I finally got up to call Deb. I think that was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Nobody should have to be told that their little brother is dead.

As was expected Deb was a complete mess after I told her. I decided to tell her in person because it would make it easier. She was working that night and the manager gave her the night off. Actually, he told her to take off all the time she needed. Justin and I took her home and pretty much started waiting on her hand and foot. Justin volunteered to make the phone calls but after the first call he was crying so hard you couldn’t understand a word he was saying so I took over. While it did hurt and I was crying a little, I was able to keep things under control long enough to tell all the people that mattered.

After all the “family” was called it was time to make the one phone call I really didn’t want to make. It was time to call their sister. I’d met Caroline Decknadel when I was about sixteen years old. We’d gone over to her house because of some kind of family something or other. My folks were out of town and I was staying with Deb and she wouldn’t hear of me not going with them. There is one thing I have to say about Carolina Decknadel. She makes my sister look like an angel. She’s rude and arrogant and one of the most homophobic bitches I’d ever met in my life and considering my family that’s saying something.

But she had a right to know that her brother had died, whether or not she cared, so I had to call her and let her know. I wasn’t looking forward to it at all and I had to take a deep breath and remind myself that this wasn’t a time that I wanted to be an asshole. The phone rang about five times before she finally picked it up.

“Mrs. Decknadel?”

“Yes….”

“This is Brian Kinney. Do you remember me?”

“Um….Brian Kinney……oh, that’s right. Michael’s friend.” There was no mistaking the disgust in her voice. I sighed and tried to remain calm. “What do you want?”

“I called to tell you that Vic died yesterday.”

“And?” There was absolutely no emotion in her voice whatsoever.

“You don’t care that your brother is dead?”

“My brother has been dead to me for a very long time.” Then she hung up the phone. I slammed the phone down on the receiver and went outside. I had to have a cigarette or I was going to throw something. Justin came outside after I started working on my second cigarette.

“She didn’t even care.” I said when he put his hand on my shoulder.

“Some people don’t. You should know that by now, Bri.” He squeezed a little. I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair.

“Fuck her.” He smiled a little after I said it and kissed me quickly before going back in the house to make sure Deb was okay. After I finished my cigarette I went back into the house to start on the funeral arrangements.

 

*****
 

Things after Vic died got really weird. Everything seemed totally different. Debbie wasn’t her usual vibrant self anymore. Everyone was shocked when she came into the diner without her bright red wig and wearing all black. Her clothes were actually conservative. She didn’t look anything like herself at all. Debbie wasn’t scheduled to work and Justin and I had to work extra shifts to make up for it, but neither of us cared. All that mattered is we were given off the time to go to Vic’s funeral.

That was strange in and of itself. Carolina decided to show up after all, but she sat in the back and left early. A lot of people showed. Vic’s friends from New York came. Most of Liberty Avenue showed up. It’s amazing how much of an impact Vic had on everyone without ever knowing it. I guess you never really know until that person is gone.

The funeral was actually held at my mother’s church. She wasn’t too happy about that, but nobody really cared. The reason it was held there was because they needed lots of space for everyone that wanted to come, and because Reverend Tom was going to perform the service. It seemed only fitting. He agreed wholeheartedly, apparently having met Vic at some point.

I just kind of spaced out during most of the service. I know that Justin was sitting beside me holding my hand and I know that I was sitting beside Deb and that Deb was between Mikey and me but I just really wasn’t paying attention. I just kept thinking about all the things that Vic had done for me over the years. When it got to the part where people were asked to come up and share their memories of Vic, I was on my feet and moving to the front before anyone else could blink. I really don’t know what possessed me, but nobody seemed to mind. When I got up to the podium I looked around the room at all the people that had come to pay respect to this wonderful man and I almost couldn’t hold it together long enough to say what I wanted to say.

“When I was a kid, I ran away from home. My parents hated me and didn’t want me, so I took off. I was sixteen years old and I somehow made my way to New York. I was lost and confused and I didn’t have any money or a place to stay but I didn’t care. I’d find my way, no matter what. I decided to start hustling because the money was good if you got the right clients.

“My first night working the streets, this kind man picked me up and took me to his place but he said he wasn’t doing it for the sex. He wanted to get me off the streets because he knew I was so much better than that. He knew that if I started hustling I’d probably never stop and he didn’t want to see anything happen to me. He gave me a place to stay and food to eat, even bought me some new clothes, and made me promise that I would go home and finish school and go to college and become the success that he knew I could be.” At this point tears were rolling down my cheeks. I closed my eyes a minute and took a deep breath before I could continue.

“That man was Victor Grassi. He believed in me in ways that nobody else did. He helped me fill out the paperwork for scholarships. Whenever I had problems with some of my homework he would help. Vic was a better father to me than Jack Kinney ever could have been and I truly owe my life to him.” I stopped a minute because the next thing I planned to say was something no one knew, not even Mikey. It had been a secret between Vic and me for a very long time, but it spoke volumes about the man and I couldn’t keep it a secret anymore.

“When I was in college, I had a boyfriend. It lasted all of about a month but I thought I was so in love with this man and I thought I would spend the rest of my life with him. He was a senior and I was a junior and I thought we’d stay in touch, but I found out that I was just a good time until graduation for him. He didn’t want anything to do with me after graduation and I was totally crushed. I didn’t think there was any reason to go on.” I looked at Justin for a minute before looking around the room. I could see that there were some people that didn’t believe what I was saying but I didn’t care.

“Vic had moved in with Debbie by this time and I was supposed to come over for dinner that night. When I didn’t answer the phone in my room, Debbie was going to come check on me but Vic stopped her. Vic came to my room and knocked on the door and when I didn’t answer he got someone to let him into the room. What Vic found when he opened that door was a sobbing mess with a slit wrist. All of you wonder why I wear the cowry shell bracelet that’s become a Brian Kinney trademark. Well, it’s to cover the scar that is a reminder of the worst mistake I’d ever made. Vic took me to the hospital and got me all stitched up and he promised he’d never tell anyone about it and he lived true to his word.

“He and I talked for hours that night. I told Vic things that I’ve never told anyone and things that I will never tell anyone else. Vic helped me in ways that no one else could and I know that I will miss him greatly. I’ll miss his advice. I’ll miss his skewed since of humor.” There were some giggles at that comment. “But most of all I am going to miss the only father figure I’ve ever had in my life.” After I got done talking I went down to where the closed casket was sitting. Vic had gotten sick enough in the last few days that Debbie didn’t want everyone to see how thin and frail he’d gotten so the casket remained closed. I leaned down close to the casket and placed a kiss on the cold wood. No one heard my whispered words but I said them anyway.

“I love you Vic. Always have, always will.” Then with tears pouring from my eyes I went and sat beside Justin who put an arm around me. I rested my head on his shoulder and just took comfort in him being there. Debbie leaned over and kissed my cheek and whispered in my ear.

“Thank you, Brian.” She smiled the tiniest bit and I smiled back. I just kind of zoned out for the rest of the service. There was a reception at the house, but there wasn’t enough room for everyone inside so some of it flowed out into the yard. They said their condolences and so forth and finally about three hours later everyone was gone. Justin and I sat at the table in the kitchen and Debbie came in and started to clean up.

“We’ll get it.” Justin said. He stood and started to take the dishes from her.

“I do believe this is my house, sunshine.” She said with that “Get out of my way and let me do this” look on her face. Justin looked over at me and I shook my head and he sat down and we talked. This was Deb’s way of coping with things. She couldn’t just sit still or she’d fall apart. I stood up and took Justin’s hand and we went outside. I lit up a cigarette as we stared at the stars that were just winking into existence.

“She needs to feel something, Brian. I don’t think I’ve seen her cry once.” I could tell he was concerned but there was really no reason for him to be.

“Trust me, Justin. She’s cried plenty.” I looked at him a minute and he looked me in the eye and just nodded. He’d apparently forgotten that I’d lived there the last month or so and I knew what went on when nobody else was around. Debbie had actually ruined two of my t-shirts because her mascara ran while crying on my shoulder.

It was about a month later before Debbie was back to being her old self. She wasn’t completely back, but she was at least trying. She was cracking jokes and making her usual comments to the various customers when she finally got back to work. Justin and I liked the time off, but I was still really worried about Deb. I wasn’t sure that she was ready to get back to the way things were.

“I can make my own decisions thank you very much.” Debbie reminded me rather sharply after I expressed my thoughts. I backed off after that and everything seemed to be fine. She wasn’t having any problems at all.

I decided that the best thing I could do for Deb’s birthday was to make her dinner. Yes, I can actually cook, I just choose not to. I mean, honestly, do you think Debbie Novotny would let one of her boys get away with not knowing out to cook? The only thing my mother ever taught me how to make was her infamous chocolate chocolate chip cake, which will remain my favorite until the day I die, regardless of the fact that it’s Joan Kinney’s recipe. It’s the one good memory I have about my mother and I will cling to it like a lifeline. Well, anyway. So I figured out what Deb’s favorite meal is and I set about cooking it. I had to start at 2 in the afternoon in order to have everything done by six when Deb would get home from work. Justin came over to help but he really just ended up getting in the way so he set the table while I cooked, then went to watch TV. I made everything from scratch and it took forever, but Deb was definitely worth it.

When she got home she smiled because dinner was already waiting. Justin and I had just enough time after I finished cooking to shower and get changed into some of our nicest clothes. Justin was wearing a bright blue silk shirt and some navy slacks. I went with a cream colored sweater and chocolate brown slacks. Justin said I looked totally fuckable. I told him it’d have to wait.

“You boys did all this just for me?” Debbie asked when she saw us putting the finishing touches on the table. I’d gotten a bouquet of Deb’s favorite flowers for the centerpiece to the table.

“All I did was set the table. Brian did all the cooking.” Justin smiled at me when I glared at him. Debbie looked at me like I’d grown a third eye or something.

“What? You’ve cooked for me for years, so I thought I’d return the favor.”

“Baby, that’s so sweet.” She came over and kissed my cheek and I couldn’t help but smile. She hadn’t called me baby since I was in high school. I swear I felt warm all over and Justin said that I was blushing. We all chuckled together and Deb went to change clothes. She said she couldn’t possibly sit down to a meal with such handsome young men the way she was currently dressed. We expected her to just change into one of her garish dresses so when she came down the stairs both of our mouths dropped.

She once again had taken off the wig and was wearing this beautiful red satin dress with a sheer wrap and she just looked totally amazing. I have honestly never seen Debbie look so amazing in my life. I held the chair out for her and kissed her cheek and she smiled. Justin poured the wine and I served dinner. We ate and talked and just had a great time. That’s when something weird happened. None of us expected it.

After dinner was done, we started to clean up and Deb sat at the table and watched Justin and me as we put the food away and started on the dishes. Justin said he had to get going because of something he had to do with his mom early the next day. Debbie stood and gave him a hug and he started to leave.

“This was definitely the best night of my life.” Debbie commented as she started to help me with cleaning up. I didn’t hear the door open or close and I looked over into the living room to see Justin standing there. He was shaking a little and I couldn’t see the look on his face because his back was to me but I made my way over. When I looked at him his face was pale and his eyes were wide and I started to panic.

“Justin….” I reached out to touch his arm and he jumped a little, looking at me.

“You okay, Sunshine?” Debbie asked, obviously worried.

“I remember that.” Justin said. I looked at him a minute, then it hit me.

“How much do you remember?” I asked him. Debbie was lost at this point, but I wasn’t paying attention to her anymore.

“I….we were going out to the Jeep. I said it was the best night of my life and you said even if it was ridiculously romantic.” He looked me in the eyes and I looked back.

“Anything else.”

“We…..we kissed….” He swallowed. It was at this point that Debbie figured out what was going on. I hugged Justin and we just kind of stood there holding each other.

“Do you remember anything else?” I asked after a little bit. I could tell that Justin was thinking about it, then he sighed and shook his head.

“No…..I can’t. I’m sorry.” He buried his face against my chest and I just stroked his hair and kissed the top of his head.

“Not your fault, Sunshine.”

On my day off a couple of weeks later I decided to go ahead and just veg all day. Justin had to work because one of the other waitresses called in sick and he said he’d take her shift. I realized, after all this time, that Justin and I were the only actual men that worked at the diner. Everyone else was either a woman or a drag queen or a tranny. That thought made me laugh for like three hours. Deb and Jennifer had gone out together to do woman things and so I had the house all to myself.

This wasn’t the first time that I’d been in this house completely alone but it was the first time that I hadn’t just gotten the shit beaten out of me by Jack before coming here. I decided that it was high time that I explore the attic; because I hadn’t done that in all the years that I’d known the Novotnys. So I made my way up to the attic.

When I got up there I thought I was going to sneeze myself to death. There was so much dust everywhere and I just started sneezing and I thought I’d never stop. Finally I stopped sneezing and started looking around. There were boxes everywhere, some looked older than me. I noticed a large vanity over in one corner and there was a huge steamer trunk off to one side. I felt like a kid again on an amazing adventure as I started to look through one of the boxes.

I laughed when I realized that the box was full of Mikey’s baby stuff. There were pictures in there from the time he was born up until he was about three years old. As I looked through these pictures I realized something about my best friend. He was a fucking ugly baby. And I don’t just mean he was kind of ugly. I mean, he was really ugly. Not only that but I noticed that there wasn’t a single picture in the stack that showed Mikey smiling. Even the Christmas pictures didn’t give up a single smile on the little round face. I started to feel really bad for Deb that she had such an unhappy child, but I was really starting to understand why Mikey was the way he was. Maybe part of it had to do with the fact that he didn’t have a dad growing up but I wouldn’t know because I would much rather not have my dad.

I guess I lost track of time while I was up there going through all that stuff. It was amazing the things I found. There were pictures of Vic from high school and college and MAN he was totally hot! I mean, he was hot when I knew him, but back in his college days he was totally someone I would have picked up. Probably would have fucked more than once too.

“I thought you’d out grown the snooping stage.” Debbie’s voice scared me to the point that I jumped and uttered a sound vaguely akin to a squeak. She laughed and said she didn’t think that sound could come out of me but I just pretended it didn’t happen.

“I realized today that I’ve never been up here before.” I told her.

“Well, now you have, so come on. Jennifer and I want to talk to you for a minute.” Then she disappeared down the stairs. I don’t think I’ve ever been so scared in all of my life. I mean, were it just Debbie, that would be one thing. Even if it was just Jennifer I wouldn’t mind so much. But Debbie and Jennifer together made me shiver. These two women had yelled at me about various things I’d done to Justin so often, individually of course, that I wondered what in the hell I could have done to make them want to yell at me together. As I stood there I racked my brain trying to think of why they would be mad at me. I suddenly felt like a kid that had just been sent to the principal’s office. Finally I decided it was stupid to just stand there so I headed downstairs as well.

They were sitting at the kitchen table and I swallowed hard before I went into the kitchen to take a seat. Debbie looked at me for a minute and Jennifer was looking at some paperwork on the table. I was trying hard to stay calm but I had a feeling something bad was about to happen and it had something to do with me. I suddenly started having flashbacks to when I was a kid and my parents would sit me down in just the same type of situation and they would tell me how worthless I was and how I was a mistake that never should have happened and then Jack would beat the shit out of me.

I guess I started to have a kind of a panic attack because Jennifer looked all worried and Debbie came around and hugged me and told me it was going to be okay. It wasn’t until she hugged me that I realized I was shaking. I started to feel really bad that I was scaring these women that had never really done anything that bad to me. I mean, yelling was the worst of it from them. But I just couldn’t help it. It took a couple of minutes but I finally calmed down.

“I’m okay.” I said and Debbie took a seat.

“You sure?” Jennifer asked and I nodded.

“Brian, what happened?” Debbie asked me. I thought about just blowing it off, but then I changed my mind and decided to be honest with her.

“I just……there were a lot of times that Jack and Joan sat me down just like this to yell at me before Jack would hit me.” I looked down at the table because I didn’t want to deal with the looks of pity that I knew I would get. Jennifer kind of gasped and I know she put her hand on her chest. I saw her arm move. Debbie reached over and lifted my chin and looked me in the eye.

“I’m sorry, sweetie.” I just shrugged and shook my head and told her not to worry about it, then I asked her what was up. She and Jennifer exchanged a glance before she looked back at me. “I’m selling the house.”

“What?” I couldn’t believe she’d just told me that. Selling the house? She’d lived in this house for as long as I could remember. I’m sure she couldn’t have owned the house since Mikey was a baby because she was so young when that happened.

“I just can’t live here anymore, Brian. I thought I could but…..there are just too many memories. I can’t stay in this house. I’m sorry.”

“No, don’t be. I mean…..it’s your house, right? If you want to sell it, that’s your business.” I tried not to sound like a spoiled brat that was just agreeing because I had no other choice. I did understand why she wanted to sell the house. I mean…..Vic had lived there and they were really close. It hurt too much to stay there. Everywhere I looked I had a memory of Vic and I could only imagine how much it hurt Deb.

“I thought maybe you could help me find a different house. I don’t know if I can get another one on my own.”

“Do you really need a house?” I asked her honestly.

“With all this stuff…” She started and I stopped her.

“That’s what moving sales are for Deb. You don’t need to keep all this shit. A lot of it has sentimental value and you can keep that but some of it just really has to go. And you totally need new furniture. This stuff is older than I am.”

“You didn’t seem to mind so far.”

“That’s because it’s not my house. It’s always been your house, Deb. But if we’re going to be getting a different house together, then I sure as hell am going to decorate it.” I crossed my arms and gave her that look that said I wasn’t going to let anyone change my mind. Debbie looked over at Jennifer for a minute and Jennifer looked between us.

“Honestly, I’d rather have my house decorated by a gay man than a straight woman.” Jennifer said meekly. Debbie and I exchanged looks then we all started laughing. So Debbie and I agreed that she was going to sell as much of her stuff as she could and that we were going to use the money for a down payment on a new house. With my credit in its current condition I didn’t know if being a cosigner on the new house would be a good thing or a bad thing. And it felt kind of weird buying a house with Debbie. I always thought if I bought a house someday it would be with Justin. Now I’m buying a house with my best friend’s mom. Is it just me or is that completely disturbing?

 

*****
 

The thing that amazed both of us was the fact that the house was sold almost as quickly as it was put on the market. And for about twice what we were originally asking for it. So we ended up having to get a couple of hotel rooms until we could find a place. Debbie wanted to get a single room with two beds and I thought about this for all of half a second before objecting.

“But we need to save money.” Debbie insisted.

“But I need to get laid.” I said looking her right in the eye. She hadn’t thought about that when she’d made the suggestion. I could tell that she was considering the possibility of me without sex for long periods of time. She finally agreed to two rooms. But I had to agree to one of the cheaper hotels in town, which I did gladly since I knew we needed to save money.

You never realize how much shit you actually have until you try to cram it into a small space. Even with everything we sold, we still ended up having to rent a storage unit so that our hotel rooms weren’t full to capacity. The hotel wasn’t all that great, but it did have a little restaurant and the food there wasn’t too bad. Debbie and I made sure to eat dinner together as much as possible. It was a routine that we'd gotten into. She hated not being able to cook but there wasn’t much we could do. We were sitting there eating dinner one night when Jennifer comes in with this huge ass smile on her face.

“I found the perfect house.” She proclaimed as she took a seat.

“Oh really?” Debbie asked.

“It’s four bedrooms. I know you were looking for three but I thought maybe you could use a spare bedroom. It’s an older house, but it’s in great condition. The previous owner kept it in good repair. Needs very little work.”

“How much?” Was the first question out of my mouth. When she told us my jaw hit the floor. It was less than what we were willing to pay.

“It’s a steal.” Debbie crowed.

“I know! It’s perfect!” Jennifer said. But something in my gut was telling me this was all wrong. There had to be something about this house. I had no idea why I felt that way. Jennifer said she’d surprise us with the house tomorrow. She wouldn’t tell us who the previous owners were, or even where the house was. She just said we’d find out the next day.

So we get in her car and start driving to this house and I can’t shake the feeling that the neighborhood looks very familiar. I saw a couple of stores I used to shop at and thought maybe that was it, but there was something else that was just nagging at the back of my mind. I couldn’t quite place what it was. It wasn’t until we passed a certain parochial school that I realized what was bothering me.

“Jennifer, where did you say this house was?”

“I didn’t say, but I guess since we’re almost there I can tell you.” She smiled. “It’s on Harwood Lane.” My heart just about stopped beating when she said that. I had to clear my throat and my voice cracked anyway.

“What’s the house number?”

“2457. Why?” She asked. She and Debbie were sitting in the front seat and I was sitting in the back. Jennifer pulled the car over immediately when she looked in her rearview mirror at me. Apparently my face had gone completely pale.

“Brian, what is it?” Debbie asked me.

“We can’t buy this house.” I said softly. Jennifer looked at me confused.

“You haven’t even seen it.”

“We can’t buy it!” I was louder this time, startling both women.

“Why not?” Debbie asked.

“2457 Harwood Lane doesn’t sound at all familiar to you Deb?” I asked her with a raised eyebrow. She thought for a couple of minutes, then her eyes went wide and she put a hand over her mouth. She looked at Jennifer.

“I’m sorry, but we can’t buy this house.” She said.

“Why not?” Jennifer asked.

“Because it’s my parents’ house.” I told her. She looked a little confused. “It’s the house where I suffered countless beatings at the hand of Jack Kinney. The house where I was told on innumerable occasions that I was worthless and a waste and that I never should have been born.”

“Oh my…”

“What’s the name of the person selling the house? Shouldn’t that have been a clue?” I asked her a little angrily thinking the last name Kinney can’t be all that common.

“It says here a Claire Hendrickson is selling the house.” Jennifer stated matter of factly and I felt my hands clench into fists.

“Why is Claire selling your mother’s house?” Debbie asked me.

“Claire is my sister.” I answered Jennifer’s unspoken question before looking at Debbie. “I don’t know, but I certainly intend to find out.” I gave Jennifer my sister’s address and asked that she drop me off. She and Debbie waited until I waved them away before driving off. When Claire opened the door she started to shut it again.

“Go away.”

“I just want to talk to you, Claire.”

“Oh, like last time?”

“No, because I’m not pissed at your lying, homophobic sack of shit this time. Now let me in.” I started to push on the door but it gave easily as Claire let me in.

“What do you want?” She asked, crossing her arms over her chest and giving me that look that is supposed to intimidate me. I’m a foot taller than she is and she thinks she can scare me because she’s older.

“Why are you selling mom’s house?” I try not to smile as her face goes pale.

“I…..how did you find out about that?”

“I happen to be in the market for a house and my realtor told me about the perfect house and it turned out to be mom’s. Now why the fuck are you selling mom’s house?!”

“Because mom is in a nursing home.” She said quietly looking at her feet. I know that when I’m mad like this I remind her of dad and to be honest I use that to my advantage. When she was scared of dad she always told him anything he wanted to know. Turns out it works for me too.

“What do you mean, she’s in a nursing home?”

“She fell and broke her hip. I can’t take care of her, and you don’t give a shit so I put her in a nursing home. I’m selling the house to help pay for it.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because you don’t care.”

“You could have fucking told me, Claire! Christ! You know, I may not like you very much and I downright can’t STAND her, but she IS my mother too you know? And whether you believe it or not I like to know when my mother is in the hospital. Fuck! You think I’m heartless enough to not give a shit that she broke her hip? How’d it happen?”

“She was drunk and she fell.” Claire said as if I should have known already. And honestly I should have. I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair.

“I can help with paying the nursing home.” I certainly wasn’t going to take care of my mother.

“How? I know you lost your job.”

“I got another job. It doesn’t pay as much but I make enough. How much is the nursing home costing you?”

“Well, insurance covers most of it so it’s just about five hundred a month, but I can’t afford that.”

“How much can you afford?”

“I can swing two hundred.” She said with a shrug.

“Alright.” I sighed. “Give them what you get from selling the house. When you have to start making the monthly payments again, let me know. I’ll help out as much as I can.” I watched as my sister went through about twenty different emotions before just nodding. I wasn’t expecting to get a thank you out of her. “Please” and “Thank you” never existed in the Kinney household. “Can I use your phone? I need to call my ride.” She nodded and moved aside and I called Jennifer.

I was quiet when I got in the car thinking that now I was going to have to start saving money so that I could help Claire when the time came to start paying the nursing home again. The bad thing was that this left Debbie and me without a house still. Jennifer promised us that she’d keep looking.

When we got back to the hotel, I went straight to my room and sat down on the bed and just kind of picked at my nails, trying to think. I was mentally going over my finances trying to decipher how I was going to help Debbie pay the bills, and a new mortgage payment and still come up with three hundred a month to give Claire. Debbie came through the door that separated our rooms; we’d gotten a suite, and sat down beside me.

“So what’s wrong?” I told her the whole sordid mess. I explained to her that Claire was going to need money eventually and that I needed to start saving a little to help out because Joan was my mom too and I couldn’t leave everything to Claire, regardless of how broke I am.

“I don’t know how I can do it, though.” I sighed and rested my head on her shoulder. She reached up and started stroking my hair like she used to do when I was a kid. I had a sudden flash of me, sitting on her couch, broken and bruised and bloody with my head resting on her shoulder while she tried to sooth me and tell me that I wasn’t a waste and that someone really did care about me even if my parents didn’t.

“Don’t worry about it, baby. We’ll figure it out.”

“But Deb….”

“Don’t worry about it, Brian. You’re doing good, helping your sister. You know, just a year ago I would have sworn that if this had happened you’d have told her to fuck off and handle it herself. And now, here you are, offering to help even though you really can’t afford it. You’re a good son, Brian. Even if she doesn’t deserve it.” She kissed the top of my head.

“She’s still my mom….” I said softly. I was honestly trying to keep from crying. I don’t know what it is but when you let one emotion out all the others just want to follow right along with it. It’s like fucking Pandora’s box. I sniffled and I felt a tear roll down my cheek and I reached up and wiped it away angrily. How dare that tear defy me?!

“I know you love her, Brian. Even if she doesn’t feel the same way about you. And that’s what makes you so much better than her. The fact that you care no matter what.” I couldn’t say anything. My voice wasn’t working anymore. And I’ll be damned if my tear ducts weren’t ignoring my commands and tears were rolling down my cheeks. I told them I wasn’t going to cry but did they listen? No, of course not. I sat up and started to wipe my eyes with my sleeves.

“God why do I have to be such a drama queen?” Debbie laughed and kissed my cheek, then wiped the lipstick off.

So, Justin’s birthday rolled around and Debbie decided that, even though we still didn’t have a place to live, we needed to have a party. Daphne agreed to host the party at their apartment. Everyone pitched in to get decorations and so forth. When it came down to the cake, everyone was a little saddened that Vic would not be making it. I asked Justin how he felt about my mom’s chocolate chocolate chip cake. He said he loved it. So I volunteered to make the cake. There were some wary looks but Debbie assured all of them that I actually could cook and that the cake would be wonderful. The munchers said I could use their oven, as the one Justin and Daphne had was minuscule.

Debbie asked me what she should get Justin for his birthday and I honestly had no clue. That’s when I realized that I had nothing to get for him and didn’t know what it was that he could possibly want. Luckily I still had two weeks to figure it out. Unfortunately time seems to just soar past you when you’re on a dead line and coming up idealess. Soon I only had three days to come up with an appropriate gift for Justin. I went to talk to Lindsay and Melanie to see if maybe they could help me and found only Mel.

“Let me ask you this, Brian.” Mel said. She’d mellowed out quite a bit and didn’t hate me so much anymore for which I was thankful.

“Shoot.” I said.

“When was the last time you had a trick?” She asked. I looked at her a minute. I honestly couldn’t remember when the last time I’d had a trick was. I searched my brain and just couldn’t come up with the answer. “I’m assuming that means it’s been a while.”

“Yeah.” I said with a nod.

“Have you missed it at all?”

“Not really.”

“Have you even noticed that you weren’t tricking?”

“No.” I shook my head.

“Do you want to trick?” She looked me in the eye. I thought about it for a minute. I honestly didn’t want to trick anymore. I didn’t see any point. Tricking was a way to escape the pain and the fact that I hated my life. I didn’t feel that anymore. I wasn’t in any kind of emotional pain and I was actually happy with the way my life turned out.

“To be honest, no.” I said and she nodded a minute, then looked me in the eye.

“Now, here’s the real kicker.” I braced myself. “Have you told Justin any of this?” I opened my mouth to say something, then closed it again. I hadn’t said a word to Justin. For all he knew I was still tricking. We weren’t living together, we didn’t spend every waking moment together, so how did he know whether or not I was tricking. He didn’t. And knowing Justin, and the way I used to be, he probably just thought I was and was dealing with it.

“No. Actually, I haven’t.” I said softly. She nodded again.

“So why not tell him?” She smiled and patted my arm. I sat there for a second and then I remembered that I was sitting in the presence of a lawyer and I decided right then and there exactly what I was going to get Justin for his birthday.

When the big day rolled around, Melanie and I were the only ones that knew what I had gotten for Justin. Everyone was dying to know but she was sworn to secrecy and I refused to tell. I was pleased to find out that she didn’t even tell Lindsay what was going on. I thanked her immensely at the party. She just smiled and nodded and we exchanged a quick hug and got shocked expressions from a couple of people. I shrugged it off and went about mingling with the other guests.

Daphne had apparently sent out invitations to the entire student population of the Pittsburgh Institute of Fine Arts. The apartment was full of college age kids and as I looked around the room for someone I knew, I caught a glimpse of Justin’s face. My heart literally broke into a million pieces when I saw his expression. While I was simply searching for a friendly face, I could tell that he thought I was cruising the room. All the more reason for my gift. I went over and put an arm around his shoulders and kissed his cheek. He smiled that sunshine smile and I couldn’t help but smile back.

Finally it came time for the cake. I went into the kitchen and brought out this enormous chocolate chocolate chip cake. It was in the shape of an artist’s pallet but it was large enough that everyone there could have a piece, though the pieces would be small. I decorated it as best I could, using different colored icing for the paint and I had a candy paintbrush sitting beside it. Everyone seemed to love it. Emmett had been out of town when the party arrangements were made. He was the first to come up and demand a piece.

“That looks yummy!” He said cheerfully.

“Brian made it.” Justin said with a smile, trying to brag. All eyes were on the three of us and when Emmett made a face and started to back away a little, the room erupted in laughter.

“Vic taught him how to bake, people.” Debbie chimed in and suddenly those who knew Vic wanted a piece and that made everyone else want one. Soon there was nothing left of the cake and I kept getting compliments on how wonderful it was. Justin said I actually blushed, but I doubt that.

Finally it was time for the presents. Lindsay and Melanie ran the gift table, handing them off to Mikey who then handed the gifts to Justin. I told Mel to save mine for last and she agreed.

“Always save the best for last.” Mel said with a smile. I smiled back and we got some more weird looks. The first gift was from Debbie. It was one of her many tchotchkes. Justin pasted on his fake smile and said thank you and put it away. I tried not to laugh but I’d seen that face before and I knew that the thing was going to go in a closet somewhere. Melanie and Lindsay gave him the requisite art supplies, as they did every year.

Emmett gave him a blue skintight shirt that really brought out his eyes, and a pair of matching leather pants. I was getting hard just thinking about him wearing those. I mentally thanked Emmett and started going through all the things I could do to Justin after I got him out of those. Michael and Ben gave Justin an art book of some kind. It was apparently one that he really wanted because he hugged Mikey and thanked him. That was the first time I’d ever seen the two hug and I was a little shocked. About as shocked as the people that saw me hug Mel. Mikey said that Ben wished he could have been there but something came up and he couldn’t. Justin said to send his thanks and put the book down.

After various and sundry other gifts, most of which from his college friends, it finally came time for mine. Justin sat there holding the square package in his hand just staring at it as if he could see through the paper. My palms started sweating, my heart started pounding and I felt like I was going to faint. I kept thinking what if he doesn’t like it? Over and over again. I knew he would but I just couldn’t get my mind around the idea that this was a gift that Justin actually wanted. This was something that I couldn’t screw up because Justin wanted it all along. He finally opened the paper and just stared at it for a few minutes, then looked up at me and a tear rolled down his cheek.

“Tell us what the fuck it is already!” Debbie demanded and everyone laughed. Justin cleared his throat and started to read aloud.

“It’s on Melanie’s letter head.” He said and got some confused looks. “Given that the need for pain management is no longer necessary, I, Brian Aiden Kinney, do hereby solemnly swear that the only ass into which I will insert my dick is that belonging to one Justin Taylor and will remain so henceforth until such time as the onset of erectile dysfunction.” He turned the frame so everyone could see my signature. “He even had it notarized.” Justin said. The people that didn’t know the two of us laughed and giggled, but all of our close friends either had tears in their eyes or smiles on their faces. Justin got up and moved over to where I was standing and kissed me passionately and I swear had I not been leaning against a wall I would have fallen because my legs turned into rubber. It was possibly the best kiss I have ever shared with anyone in my entire life and I will never forget it as long as I live.

Several people started oohing and giggling some more and a couple of people told us to get a room. Emmett started clapping and soon everyone joined in. When we finally came up for air I rested my forehead against his and he smiled as we looked into each other’s eyes.

“This is the best present I’ve ever gotten in my entire life.” He said a little breathlessly and I just smiled at him.

“Happy birthday, baby.” I said softly and he kissed me again.
 

On to Part 3