What The...?
BOOK 3
Fuck Not Again!
Chapter 1
"Daddy, stop it."
"Brian, you are so going to…," Justin began to say before he doubled over in laughter at the sight of his husband kneeling on the bed tickling their daughter.
Justin and Brian had been together for twelve years, and had been married for eight. Their relationship had stood the test of many trials, and now that most of those trials were behind them, things had begun to look up. They celebrated their fifth wedding anniversary by adopting Alexis, and had continued living life to the fullest. Alex was three when they adopted her and now she was six the age Gus had been when Justin was going through his second bone marrow transplant. Brian had been in remission for 8 years and Justin had been in remission for six. There were still the yearly office checkups with blood work but there was no longer a constant fear of recurrence even though it was still possible.
"What were you going to say Sunshine, That I am going to spoil her," Brian asked tucking her in and kissing her on the forehead.
"Yup, right Alex," Justin whispered kissing his daughter on the cheek.
"Yeah, Papa. I love you," she whispered as her eyes began to flutter shut.
"Love you to baby girl," both men whispered as they closed her door for the night.
"Brian can you believe that she is six," Justin asked as he was brushing his teeth to get ready for bed.
"Yup, and Gus is twelve, they grow up so fast," Brian whispered as he ran his hand along Justin's smooth pale skin causing his husband to moan softly.
"Hmm, that feels good, ahh," Justin moaned as Brian continued to rub his already stiffening cock allowing the pre cum to form before he swept Justin off his feet and carried him to their bedroom. He gently laid him down on the duvet as he captured his lips in a kiss. Brian continued to lick and suck his way down Justin's throat and chest and stomach until he was met with his cock. Brian completely took it in his mouth only long enough to lube him and then proceeded to rim his hole preparing his husband for love making.
"You taste so good," Brian moaned against Justin as he raised his face to capture Justin's lips with another kiss.
"You too. Now please fuck me," Justin whispered against Brian's ear as he heard the lube cap pop open.
"Fucking is overrated. I want to savor you tonight, my love," Brian whispered as he slowly entered Justin.
"Ahh," was all Justin managed to get out of his mouth before he was in the throws of hot passionate love making, as he slipped further and further into oblivion he thought about his lover, his husband and how wonderful they were in love, their daughter sleeping in the next room, and the fact that they were still alive. They both could not have been happier, and as they held onto one another as they came together, the world could not have been more perfect or was it?
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Chapter 2
The sound of water running awoke Justin from his sleep. He must have been sleeping so soundly that he didn't hear the alarm go off. He felt weak and listless but shook it off as mild exhaustion and stumbled into the bathroom.
"Hey, did you turn the alarm off," Brian asked from the shower.
"No, I thought it had already gone off," Justin said as he pulled the shower open and wrapped his arms around Brian kissing him deeply on the lips, "Good Morning."
"Hmmm, Good Morning, I woke up about 30 minutes ago and couldn't go back to sleep. Sorry I woke you."
"That's ok, more time for this," Justin mumbled as he kissed his husband one more time. When they broke for air Justin asked, "Did you go check on Alex?"
"Yeah, she was still asleep, I'll go help her get dressed before I leave for the office, and give you the morning off. You look exhausted."
"I am, but after last night I should be," Justin grinned remembering the lovemaking and all the times that Brian's tongue was running over his body.
"True," Brian smirked, "I love you."
"Love you too."
The men finished their shower quickly then got dressed. Brian went and woke Alex and got her dressed and ready for school while Justin made breakfast. He was dead on his feet, and glad that Brian had said he would help Alex get ready for school before he left. Putting in all the long hours in his studio to get ready for his next showing had been really tiring and he guessed that it was catching up to him.
"Do you want me to take you to school this morning," Brian asked Alex as he walked into the kitchen carrying her on his hip listening to her idle chatter.
"Yeah daddy, please," Alex practically begged.
"Sure thing," Brian said as he walked up behind Justin hugging him and kissing him on the cheek before he poured himself a cup of coffee, "Now hurry up and eat breakfast so we aren't late."
"Ok," she said as she bit into a forkful of pancakes.
Once Alex was done eating Brian helped her wash her hands and made sure she had everything for school. Once she had everything in her hands she kissed her papa on the cheek and ran out the door.
"Hey, call Molly and see if she wants to baby-sit tonight. You look beat and we could go to dinner somewhere nice then come back here to be alone."
"Okay, sure will," Justin said kissing Brian one more time before he walked out the door. Now he just wished he could shake that overwhelming feeling of exhaustion and weakness.
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Chapter 3
"Jus," Brian called as he walked into the back door by the kitchen. Once they had decided that they were going to adopt Alex they had decided to buy a house that way their three year old would have enough room to run around and play. The house was two blocks from Melanie's and Lindsey's that way when Gus wanted to he could walk to his daddies house and when Alex wanted she could go see her brother. When Brian had pulled into the garage, he noticed that Justin's Envoy was there. He walked into the studio office where he dropped his things and then went to their bedroom to change. Justin was curled in the center of the bed fast asleep. Brian walked over and brushed his hand against his forehead kissing him gently causing him to stir. "Shhh, go back to sleep, I'll be downstairs," Brian whispered, and Justin just nodded and closed his eyes once again.
Brian had no idea how long Justin had been asleep, and he had an hour until Alex had to be picked up from school. He decided to go ahead and call Jennifer and Molly and ask them if they could pick up her up from school and keep her for the evening that way that they could have an evening at home alone with one another. Once that was taken care of Brian ordered takeout then went back into the studio office to take care of some last minute business until the take out came in.
Once the takeout was delivered, Brian walked back upstairs with plates, forks, and food in hand. He walked quietly into the bedroom, spread a blanket out on the floor, and lit some candles around the room. Once he was done preparing the picnic, he ran a bath and proceeded to wake Justin. He ran his tongue gently along Justin's ear whispering words of love and Justin immediately began to stir as his eyes fluttered opening meeting Brian's hazel gaze.
"Hey, sorry I slept so long, I've just been so busy," Justin said as he leaned up kissing Brian deeply after he rubbed the sleep from his eyes.
"Hmm, you're feeling ok aren't you," Brian asked. He still got nervous sometimes remembering how Justin was tired during the cancer.
"Yeah, I'm better now," Justin said, "now let's eat before it gets cold."
The men shared dinner on the floor feeding each other and just enjoying each other's company. Their kissing became heated and before long they were both naked. They moved into the bathroom, Justin grabbed a jar of massage oil and began to lube his hands, and massaged Brian's shoulders, neck, and back. Brian felt all the tension of the day smooth away under Justin's hands and soon was stepping into the bathtub pulling his husband along with him. They made love slowly and passionately both enjoying the sensation of the heated water against their heated skin, and once the water was cold they moved into the bedroom. They continued to make love until the early hours of the morning, and as Brian held Justin as they were drifting off to sleep, he couldn't help but wonder if Justin's sudden tiredness was something more serious.
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Chapter 4
"Alex, be really quiet okay, Daddy is in the office working," Justin said as he parked the Envoy in the garage and unbuckled Alex's seatbelt.
"Ok, Papa," Alex said as she hopped out of the car.
"And Alex…don't slam the door," Justin trailed off as he heard the backdoor slam shut. He was still feeling weak and exhausted and he stifled a yawn as he pulled the groceries out of the back of the Envoy. Brian was standing in the kitchen when he walked in the back door and took the bags from him.
"Hey, our daughter is something else. Did she show you the drawings she did in school," Brian asked as he stepped aside to display the three new pictures hanging on the fridge.
"Yeah," Justin mumbled as he finished putting the groceries in the pantry. He barely had enough energy to walk much less think clearly and he had the beginnings of a headache.
"Jus, are you okay," Brian asked him as he spun him around and placed a hand on his forehead, "you look really pale."
"I think I'm coming down with something. Nothing serious though no worries," Justin said smiling weakly at Brian.
"Okay, now go lay down in the studio, I'll meet you in there in a minute. I'm going to go see what our little terror is up to upstairs," Brian smiled playfully and smacked Justin on the butt as he walked out.
After Brian was done seeing if Alex needed any help finishing her homework, he left her to play and went back to the office. Justin was lying on the gray sectional sofa covered in the plaid throw. The rhythm of his breathing was deep and even, he was a lot paler than normal with a grayish cast under his eyes, and when Brian's gaze trailed the length of his body he noticed that he was shivering slightly, so Brian grabbed another throw and covered his husband once more. He kissed him on the forehead and settled back at the computer.
"Daddy," Alex shrieked as she ran into the office.
"Shh, Papa's sleeping, what's up munchkin," Brian asked as he scooped her onto his lap.
"Why does Papa have no hair," Alex asked as she pulled out a picture from when Justin was going through chemo. It was Brian and Justin sitting on the couch at Lindsay and Melanie's house a couple of weeks after Justin had been sent home. Gus was sitting on the couch on their laps and grinning from ear to ear. The memories that came with that picture were very vivid to Brian.
"Where did you get that," Brian asked trying not to show how emotional it made him.
"Gus, he said it was a happy day, and that Papa was smiling because even though he had no hair the big bug was gone. What was the big bug? Is Papa sick?"
"He was a long time ago before we adopted you. But the big bug is gone and, he lost all his hair because the medicine they gave him makes that happen."
"Oh ok, I'm glad he has hair and he's not sick anymore."
"Me too munchkin, me too," Brian said smiling glancing over at his husband hoping that the tiredness was just the flu and not the cancer again.
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Chapter 5
Brian placed his hand on Justin's forehead. It had been a few hours since Alex and he had gotten home from the grocery store, and Brian could tell that he was still exhausted and not feeling well when he had fallen asleep on the couch in the study. He had let Justin sleep while Alex finished up her homework and once she was done he made her a quick dinner then sent her upstairs to watch Sponge Bob reruns.
"Hey, Baby," Brian whispered. He hated to wake Justin but he knew he was running fever and needed to eat something before he went back to sleep.
"Yeah," Justin sat up slightly disoriented and shivering.
"Take these, you have a fever," Brian said handing him two Advil and a bottle of water.
"Yeah, I feel like shit. I think I might be anemic too considering how tired I am. Dr. Shaffer always told me that I could have low iron."
"Yeah, I'm about to go put Alex to bed. Are you hungry?"
"Just a little bit, but I'll grab a sandwich or something and come on upstairs."
Once Brian stepped out of the room, Justin stood up. He was dizzy and nauseas but did not want to lead Brian on that he was feeling so poorly. He stumbled into the kitchen and made himself some toast and then went up to their bedroom. He was once again asleep before Brian even came back from putting Alex to bed.
A few hours later Justin awoke in a cold sweat, the nausea was worse and he knew he was still running fever. He went to the bathroom and sat on the edge of the bathtub willing the nausea to pass. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case and before long he was vomiting.
"Jus," Brian asked as he knelt down next to his husband and brushed his hair away from his face. He had noticed his pale flushed skin and the dark circles under his eyes for a few days, and suspected that he might have the flu so the vomiting was no surprise, "Better now."
Justin just shook his head as another wave of nausea washed over him. As he continued to vomit, Brian rubbed circles on his back and said comforting words. A few more moments passed and Justin slumped against him weakly and whispered, "Thanks."
"No problem baby, now lets get you back to bed," Brian said helping him off the floor and back into the bedroom. Once he had Justin settled he grabbed the trashcan and also went to get some sprite and crackers from downstairs. When he came back Justin was in between sleep and he managed to get him to drink some soda before he drifted all the way back off.
When Brian awoke a few hours later to check Justin's temperature that's when he noticed that Justin was a lot paler and there were some small areas of bruising on his arms and thighs. He brushed it off as hard work in the studio, after all it had been 6 years.
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Chapter 6
"Daddy, Papa, wake up," Alex shouted as she ran into their bedroom and jumped in the center of the bed.
"Alex, turn around and go knock, you know the rules," Brian said as he picked her up off the bed and sat her back on the floor. He waited until she was out the door before he slid out from under the duvet and grabbed some sweatpants. He had just finished sliding them on when he heard her tiny rapping and told her she could come in.
"Okay," Brian called out as he pulled the duvet further around Justin as he began to stir. He was still feeling nauseas and light headed so as soon as the light hit his eyes he closed them once again to will the nausea to go away.
"Daddy, I'm hungry," Alex said as she jumped on the bed one more time. She was so full of energy, "Papa, wake up."
"Hmmm," Justin mumbled opening his eyes once again to meet his daughter's blue eyed gaze, "what are you hungry for baby girl?"
"Pancakes."
"Ok, well what do you say we go see Grandma Deb at the diner and get some pancakes, but let Papa stay here and sleep."
"But I want Papa to go," Alex said in full pout mode.
"But…," Brian began as Justin cut him off.
"It's okay I'm feeling better, but I do need a shower."
"Okay Alex go get dressed and we'll come get you when we are ready," Brian said as he picked her up and sat her on the floor and sent her to get dressed.
"Okay Daddy," she cried as she ran out of their room.
"She's so full of energy," Brian said as he threw the duvet cover off of himself and stood up.
"Yeah," Justin said as he climbed out of bed. He was still feeling weak and stumbled a bit when he stood up.
"Baby, are you okay?"
"Yeah, I've been asleep the better part of twenty four hours and I really want to spend some time with her."
"Are you sure? You were vomiting half the night and I saw the bruises. I'm just a little concerned. I'd rather you stay here and rest than go out and risk getting sicker."
"Brian I said I'm fine," Justin snapped as he walked into the bathroom he had a headache that was only getting worse but he really just wanted to be close to his husband and daughter, "It's been six years."
"Yeah, I know, I just want you to be around for me and Alex. I'm sorry if I worry."
"I know, its okay," Justin said as he slipped under the hot steam of the shower with Brian right behind him, and as their lips locked in a heated kiss Justin privately wished that the horrible fear would go away.
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Chapter 7
"Grandma Deb," Alex shrieked as she walked into the diner.
"Hey girlie," Deb smiled at Alex as she grabbed the girl and smothered her in a bear hug, "What do you want for breakfast?"
"Pancakes."
"Okay, pancakes it is, and for your daddies," Deb said smiling at the two men.
"Dry toast, and my usual," Brian said.
"Coming right up," Deb said.
The men made their way over to the usual booth where Michael and Ben were already sitting, and Ben motioned for them to join them, "How are you guys?"
"Busy with work," Brian replied as he picked up Alex and helped her slide into the booth then slid in next to her allowing Justin the outside seat.
"Tired," Justin replied. He didn't want to let on that he was sick because he knew the minute that Deb found out she would be trying to choke him with some kind of soup preferably her Fucking Chicken Soup. About that time, Deb came out carrying their food. Justin helped Alex cut up her pancakes into small bites and then slid the plate over to her. He then picked up a slice of the toast and slid Brian his plate.
"We are going to take Jenny ice skating this afternoon Alex, do you want to come," Ben asked. The girls always played together and sometimes they would even gang up on Gus.
"Yay," Alex shouted.
"What time do we need to have her ready to go," Brian asked.
"We can just take her now. It's almost time to go pick up Jenny so once she's done eating then we can go."
Alex quickly finished her pancakes and practically climbed over Justin to jump out of the booth. By this time, Justin was still feeling nauseas and dizzy so he stood up after kissing his daughter, told her to have fun, and motioned for Brian to hurry up. Brian took one look at him, noticed how pale he had become, and threw some money on the table then they said their goodbyes to Debbie then walked out the door.
Once they were back in the jeep, Justin slumped against the passenger door. His nausea was only getting worse and he was praying that he would make it home because he knew he was going to vomit.
Brian looked over at him and brushed his hand across his forehead, "still nauseas baby?"
"Yeah," he whispered just about that time they pulled into their driveway.
Brian had pulled the jeep into the garage, and he parked and walked around to help Justin out. When Justin stood up the nausea overtook him and he was soon kneeling next to the outdoor trashcan emptying his stomach once again. When he was feeling a bit better Brian carried him to their bathroom, helped him undress, and drew him a warm bath. Once he had helped Justin into the bathtub, he undressed and climbed in himself. He sat behind Justin and lovingly sponged warm water over his husband's aching body, "are you feeling any better now," Brian asked.
"Yeah a bit, I was thinking. I think that it's probably a good idea for me to go to the doctor. I don't think it's just the flu, because if it was I would already be feeling better or at least not be as bruised. I think I'll call Dr. Connor in the morning and go in and let him check me out," Justin said finally allowing a little of his fear to escape him.
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Chapter 8
Justin and Brian sat in silence in the exam room in Dr. Connor's office. Justin was lying on the exam table with his eyes closed facing the ceiling. He had woken up that morning with a migraine and all the light was only making his head hurt worse. The nausea he had been experiencing was a little better however, his body was aching and he had more bruising on his legs and arms. Brian sat next to him rubbing his temples to help ease his pain.
"Justin, Brian what seems to be the problem today," Dr. Connor asked when he walked into the room.
"I've been really tired and nauseas. I also have had a migraine all morning, but the biggest concern that I have is that I am having a lot of unexplainable bruises. Last time I went in to see Dr. Shaffer all my blood work was normal and the marrow looked great, so I'm not too concerned with a reoccurrence there but I think I might be anemic and have the flu."
"Okay, I can see the bruises, and the migraine is most likely being caused from the fever that you are running. I want to go ahead and run some blood tests to check your counts and I will prescribe you some anti-nausea medicine. So let me go get the script, and then I need you to go down the hall to the lab to have the tech get some blood."
"Okay, how many days will the workup take," Brian asked. He always hated the waiting.
"Well, most likely a week, and if I see any unexplainable problems then I am going to forward the results to Dr. Shaffer and have him call you."
"Okay, that sounds good," Justin said as he slowly stood up.
Once Dr. Connor came back with his prescription and a bag of sample medication, the men went down the hall to the lab. The nurse took four vials of blood, and then they went home to wait.
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Chapter 9
"No, no, no," Justin mumbled in his sleep. He had been restless since the trip to Dr. Connor's office and he kept having dreams about the news that he was going to get from the doctor. "what about Alex and Brian?"
"Shh," Brian said as he awoke slightly to Justin's mumbling. He rolled over and caressed his back and shoulders, then pulled him close. His skin was cool to the touch and the sheets on his side of the bed were soaked with sweat, which was a relief to Brian because that meant his fever had finally broken, "it's okay baby, shh."
"Brian," Justin whispered as he woke and moved closer to his husband, "I'm scared. You know that if those test results come back showing that all these flu like symptoms and bruising is a relapse after six years that there is nothing they are going to be able to do."
"Shh, baby I know, I know," Brian said as he cradled his husband.
"It's just that after six years you would think that the fear would go away and not return, and what are we going to tell Alex if it's the cancer? She's still so young and innocent, and I don't want to be the one that takes that all away. I don't want her to lose her Papa."
"Yeah, but I don't want to think like that. We have to be positive and it's even more important to stay positive for her."
"Yeah, you know that it's going to be hardest on her. Brian I can't die. I just can't I fought too hard twice and I can't," Justin's voice caught in his throat, "I just want the pain and fear to go away."
"Then let me help," Brian whispered gently as he ran his hand up to Justin's face and leaned in and kissed him deeply.
The kiss soon became more heated and passionate. Their tongues entwined in one another's mouths battling for more. Brian broke the kiss first as he moved his way down towards Justin's neck nibbling the tender flesh of his ear and jaw. Justin moaned as the fear was replaced with pleasure. His whole body felt heated as Brian caressed his bare skin with his tender touch and wet tongue.
"Hmm, Brian," Justin moaned as his husband continued the slow torture if pleasure. He felt cool and damp as Brian continued his way down the length of his body nibbling and sucking every inch of skin. Brian soon embraced his cock with his lips and before long waves of ecstasy coursed through his body and his fear melted away.
The next day was incredibly trying. Brian had taken the day off from the office and was working at home and Justin was trying to paint and remain calm, but the waiting was only making him more nervous. He finally had decided that the best thing to do was sleep since he was tired anyway and trying to draw or paint his fear had been unsuccessful. It wasn't to late into the afternoon when the phone rang, and Brian went and answered it hoping that it was only a lab tech saying everything was all clear. Instead the voice on the other end of the line was all to familiar, and his heart almost skipped a beat when he heard, "Hi Brian, it's Dr. Shaffer, there seems to be a problem with Justin's blood work."
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Chapter 10
Brian hung the phone up in silence. He felt numb and sick at the same time. The words the doctor had spoken were still ringing in his ears, and he had no idea how to break the news to Justin. His eyes were burning with unshed tears, but he knew he had to be strong, now more than ever, not only for Justin but also for Alex.
"Brian," Justin said when his husband walked back into the study. The ringing phone had woken him, and he was still lying on the couch waiting for Brian to get back to the office from answering the call. Brian avoided looking at Justin, which was the first sign that something was seriously wrong, "Brian please look at me."
Brian turned and his eyes met Justin's. His eyes were swollen and puffy with unshed tears, and his hazel eyes had taken on a bluish green cast due to the redness of his eyes. Justin immediately knew who had been on the other end of the line. He continued to stare at Brian for a few more moments then he went upstairs. Brian took a few moments to gain his composure then followed his husband.
"Jus, please say something," Brian whispered as he reached over and brushed the hair from his husband's face.
"Brian, please just leave me alone for awhile okay. I have a lot of things I need to think about."
"Okay, I'll be downstairs if you need anything," Brian said as he walked back out to the office.
Once Brian was back in the office he completely broke down. The whole conversation with Dr. Shaffer had been nerve racking, and no matter how much he tried to erase it, the moment kept playing over in his mind.
"Hi Brian, it's Dr. Shaffer, there seems to be a problem with Justin's blood work."
"What kind of problem."
"Well it seems that his bone marrow is failing. That is the cause for the flu like symptoms and anemia. It also explains the vomiting, headaches, and dizziness. His white count is extremely elevated and there is a detection of blast cells. I want him to come in for a bone marrow aspiration to make sure, but Brian it doesn't look good. In fact, I'm almost a hundred percent sure that this is a recurrence."
"I thought that after six years he was considered cured, how did this happen?"
"Sometimes it does, and unfortunately there is not much that can be done except slow the progression of the disease because after having two bone marrow transplants the body is unable to go through high dose therapy again. It is just not safe, however there are options that you and Justin have been made well aware of and I don't want hope to be given up on."
"Yeah, I know. We will be in tomorrow for the aspiration. Thanks."
Once he had regained his composure, he walked back upstairs to check on Justin. He hadn't realized how long it had been, and he needed to make sure he was okay before going to pick up Alex from school. When he walked in Justin was asleep on the bed, and his cheeks were stained with tears. Brian gently caressed his cheek and kissed him on the forehead before he left the room. All they could do know was hope for a miracle.
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Chapter 11
When Justin awoke he was incredibly disoriented. All he remembered from earlier in the day was the phone call from Dr. Shaffer, and Brian's reaction. He hadn't even heard the news because he could just look at it written all over Brian's face. Once his eyes adjusted to the light he looked out the window and realized it was already dark. He heard noises coming from downstairs and he knew that Brian was probably making dinner for himself and Alex. He still wasn't ready to face the inevitable, so he curled back into a ball and before long he was asleep once again.
"Jus, Jus," Brian whispered. He was concerned with how much Justin had been sleeping even though he knew it was a combination of tiredness and frustration from getting the news earlier in the day, "Jus, baby wake up."
"Hmm," Justin mumbled and rolled over to meet his husband's concerned gaze, "Brian please just leave me alone."
"I know you want to be alone, but I brought you some soup. I at least thought you should eat."
"I'm not hungry; in fact I'm not much of anything, but thanks." Justin said dryly. He knew his words were cutting Brian to the core and he felt horrible, but all he knew at that moment was that he wanted someone to hurt as much as he was hurting. He turned his back to his husband, and closed his eyes.
"It's already after nine, and I have some stuff to take care of. Alex is with Gus tonight when I picked her up she wanted to go see her big brother and Lindsay said she could spend the night and they would take her to school. You know where I'll be, and baby, please eat something" Brian said then slid off the bed and went downstairs.
Once he heard Brian leave the room, he rolled over and sat up. He figured he might as well try to eat something. He hated that he was ignoring Brian, but he did not want him to see him upset. In fact, it was more of the fact that he was angry. He was angry at medicine, the doctors, his body, hell he was even mad at the damn world. He finished the soup and then walked downstairs to face Brian and the future.
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Chapter 12
Two more weeks passed since the phone call had come through concerning Justin's blood work. He and Brian had gone in for the bone marrow testing and discussed the options that they were being faced with, and they decided that for the time being that Justin would take iron and chemo orally, and he would be prescribed medication to combat the bone pain.
Justin was sitting in front of the light table sketching furiously. In front of him was a picture of Alex and Brian. He had been the one behind the camera, and it was one of his favorite pictures of the two of them, and he had been meaning to do a painting of the photo, but instead he decided to do a charcoal sketch instead. He had been really determined to do the drawing by hand also with no help from the computer so he worked on it in fifteen minute blocks then allowed his hand to rest, but with the pain from the cancer it was taking longer and longer. His hand soon began to tremble, and waves of pain radiated from his fingers along his arm up to his shoulder.
"Fuck," Justin shouted in frustration. He hated what was happening to him, and as he watched his hand tremble, something inside him snapped. About that time, Brian walked into the studio.
"Hey, how are you feeling," Brian asked. He was determined to make sure Justin was as comfortable as possible.
"How the fuck do you think I feel," Justin sneered. His voice was full of hatred and anger, and the tone took Brian slightly off guard, "I can't even fucking draw without being in severe pain."
"Baby…," Brian's voice trailed off when Justin interrupted him.
"Don't baby me, Brian. Just leave me alone I need to deal with this on my own please," Justin almost sobbed.
"Okay, you know where I'll be," Brian said and walked out of the room. He hated to see Justin so angry, and he hated it even more when the anger was directed at him. He knew that Justin was having a lot to deal with this time around and the biggest thing was that there was really nothing that could be done except slow the progress of the disease. He hated to see Justin in pain, and he knew it was only going to get worse.
About that time, he was pulled from his thoughts when he heard a loud crash come from the studio, and he ran in to check on Justin. Once in the doorway the scene that played before him was almost slow motion. Justin was throwing his brushes and art supplies all over the studio. His sketchbooks were scattered all over the floor, and his easel was lying across the floor.
"JUSTIN," Brian practically shouted over the slamming and banging that was going on throughout the room. He walked in and grabbed him around the waist in order to calm him down, "Justin talk to me please."
"No, I said to leave me alone Brian. Let go of me."
"Justin, you are only going to regret it more if you destroy everything. Stop it," Brian said trying to remain calm.
"There's no point. There's too much pain, and I want it to go away, and this is what causes a lot of it. I can't take it," Justin said his voice lowering in volume as he went limp in Brian's hold as he began to sob. "I just want it to go away. It hurts so much."
"Shh, it'll be okay, hold on," Brian said releasing his grip on Justin, he went and grabbed the pain medication along with a bottle of water. His hand shook as he gave Justin the pain injection and helped him drink some of the water, and once the pain subsided slightly he carried him up the stairs to their bedroom and laid him on their bed, "better now?"
"Yeah," Justin said weakly as his eyes fluttered shut.
Brian lay next to his husband for a few moments massaging his hand and arm until the tenseness went away, and he was deep in sleep before he slid off the bed and returned downstairs. Once Brian returned downstairs, he slumped on the couch. He knew that things were only going to get worse, and he felt powerless to fix it.
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Chapter 13
"Papa, Papa," Alex called out as she walked in the back door of the house.
It had been a month since Justin's news of recurrence and he and Brian had decided to wait as long as possible to tell the kids. They had had a family meeting to discuss what was going on, and they had been supportive of their decision and were very willing to help in anyway possible.
"Hey, baby girl," Justin said as he walked into the kitchen to meet her.
"Look what I made at school," Alex said as she handed him a piece of art paper.
"Wow, it's beautiful," he said as he looked at the picture that Alex had drawn of herself and her daddies, "go put it on the fridge while I make you a snack."
"Okay," Alex said as she put the picture on the fridge and then ran upstairs.
Once Justin was sure that Alex was out of view, he grabbed the bottle of pain medicine and a bottle of water. He had not only been taking the prescribed injections, but he was also self-medicating with Advil. It helped numb the physical and emotional pain that he was feeling. Once he had taken the medication, he finished making Alex's snack and called her back downstairs. Once she had finished eating her snack he helped her with her reading homework then let her go play.
"Jus, Alex, I'm home," Brian called out when he came through the door later that evening, "and I brought dinner."
"Daddy," Alex shouted as she ran down the stairs and practically flew into Brian's arms.
"Where's Papa," Brian asked as he picked her up and gave her a hug.
"Right here, what's for dinner," Justin said coming up behind Brian and Alex.
"Chinese, let's eat," Brian said grabbing plates and sliding them on the table.
The men ate in relative silence as they listened to their daughter chatter about all that she had done in school. Ever since Dr. Shaffer had given them the diagnosis, Justin had been shutting Brian out. He was closed off and would barely even speak, and when he did, it was a simple I love you without much emotion. Brian was desperate to help Justin, but he also knew he had to allow Justin to open up in his own time because he knew he was still grieving, and he only hoped that that time was going to be soon.
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Chapter 14
Brian walked into the bedroom shedding his suit coat as he walked over to the closet. It had been two months since Justin had started the chemo and his pain seemed to be getting better however, he was still not opening up. When Brian turned around to get a shirt out of the dresser, he noticed the bottle of prescription painkillers sitting next to Justin's injection kit. Brian suddenly had a sick feeling in his stomach as he began to realize why Justin was pushing him away. About the time, Justin walked out of the bathroom.
"Jus, what are these," Brian asked holding up the bottle.
"They help numb the pain."
"How many are you taking?"
"The amount on the bottle, now let it go," Justin said pushing past Brian and going downstairs.
Brian snapped. He dumped the bottle out on the dresser and counted the number of pills according to the date on the bottle, and his suspicions were immediately confirmed. He stormed down the stairs after Justin.
"JUSTIN, I know you are lying to me. I counted the number of pills in the bottle, why in the hell are you doing this to yourself," Brian questioned.
"How dare you, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY BUSINESS."
"You are my husband, and what you are doing is my business. Why are you doing this to yourself," Brian said trying to calm his voice as he reached out and grabbed Justin by the arm.
"I TOLD YOU IT MAKES THE PAIN STOP! LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE, PLEASE." Justin screamed pulling his arm away from Brian's grip, but not fast enough before Brian grabbed him around the waist
"Not this time Sunshine, you have been pushing me away for two months, and all I want to do is help you, please just let me help you."
"NO, NOTHING YOU CAN DO WILL HELP, BRIAN. NOTHING," Justin continued to shout as he kicked and punched Brian repeatedly with all the anger that he felt, "BRIAN LET ME GO."
"No way in hell, not until you calm down, and if you don't stop kicking and swinging your arms around you are only going to hurt worse later, please stop."
"NO," Justin shouted managing to wriggle free from Brian's grip, but before he could get two steps from Brian, Brian grabbed him again and this time he held him in a bear hug grip and forced him to look him in the eyes, "STOP."
"Look me in the eyes, I LOVE YOU. Now please just let me help you," Brian pleaded, "Please let me love you."
"Why should I," Justin said his voice hoarse from the screaming.
"Because I said till death parts us, and I mean it," Brian whispered, and at that point, both men held each other as their hearts melted together in tears.
??????????????????????????????????????????????????????? Chapter 15
"Aahh," Justin cried out as the waves of orgasm coursed through his body as Brian came inside him. Brian slowly ran his hands along Justin's warm skin and wiped the sweat from his forehead as he kissed him deeply.
After the argument in the kitchen, they had made their way upstairs to talk, but before anything could be said, they had ended up making love. Their reconciliation was just beginning, and it was going to be a long and painful process. Justin flinched against Brian's touch, which signaled that it was time for him to have another shot. Brian knew that the medication was the only way that Justin was going to be pain free, but he also knew that it was only going to get worse as the cancer wrecked havoc on his body.
"Hey baby, are you hurting," he whispered as he slid out of his husband.
"Yeah I could use a shot," Justin sighed, and Brian slowly slid off the bed, and grabbed the injection kit. He measured out the amount of pain medication, and then made his way back to the bed where he gave Justin the injection. He held him close until he has drifted off, and once he was certain that Justin was going to be asleep awhile he pulled on his clothes, and made his way downstairs to arrange for a babysitter because he knew that they needed to have a serious discussion when Justin woke.
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Chapter 16
Justin woke from his sleep in a cold sweat. The sheets were soaked all the way through and he was shivering with the cold. His arms and legs ached from the fight, and he had a mild headache. He went ahead and moved slowly toward the shower, and once he was done got dressed and went downstairs. He found Brian sitting on the couch watching an old James Dean movie, and reading a printout off the computer.
"Hey, what are you reading," Justin whispered as he sat next to him on the couch.
"Treatment options for terminal cancer," Brian whispered as he pulled him into his arms, "we really need to talk about what's going on?"
"What's to talk about, Brian? We have to face the facts that I am going to die, and there is no kind of treatment or bone marrow transplant that can fix it this time. We just need to move on and figure out how we are going to tell Alex."
"We aren't going to tell Alex right now. She won't understand what's going on, and there is plenty to talk about. I know there is no treatment or bone marrow transplant option, but there are ways to manage the symptoms and that's what we need to talk about."
"I don't want to talk about pain management. I think I have that under control," Justin snapped. He knew he was going to dig in deep with Brian, but he couldn't help it he just knew that the injections and the oral pain medicine helped numb his entire system.
"No, I know you were abusing oral pain medication, and Jus that's not the way to handle the emotional pain, I'm hurting too, to think that I am going to lose you hurts me so much," Brian whispered his voice thick with emotion.
"When I think about dying all I can think about is that I am going to be leaving you and Alex behind, and that hurts me so much. It's so much worse than the physical pain," Justin whispered as he leaned back as Brian wrapped his arms around him tighter, "I love you."
"I love you too. It's going to be okay," Brian whispered against his ear as he kissed him lightly and thought to himself that he was going to do anything possible for this to not happen to his husband.
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Chapter 17
Brian awoke with a jolt, he had the strangest dream, and felt slightly disoriented. He looked over at the clock and realized it was already two in the morning, and that he and Justin had fallen asleep on the couch while they were watching the movie. He gently shook Justin awake, and helped him up the stairs. Once in their bedroom, Brian helped him undress, gave him another injection, and joined him in bed. He awoke a few hours later and as he rolled over he noticed that Justin's skin was flushed and he was shivering slightly. He slid out of bed, grabbed the thermometer, and clicked it on.
"Jus, I know you're tired, baby but I need to take your temperature," Brian whispered causing him to stir enough that Brian was able to slip the thermometer in his ear.
"Brian, I'm okay, just hot," Justin mumbled.
"You have fever, and we need to go to the emergency room," Brian whispered as he started putting on his clothes. He was trying not to panic, but knew that something was seriously wrong because the fever was spiking close to 104.
"Brian, just give me some Advil. It's four in the morning and all I want to do is sleep, and Dr. Shaffer said this was normal," Justin said in a low whisper. His breathing was also shallow and raspy.
"Yeah, but the fever that is normal is anywhere between 99 and 100 and this one is close to 104. You might have an infection or be having a reaction to one of the medicines you are taking. Can we please just go," Brian said as he helped him put on sweats and a t-shirt before he could protest anymore.
As soon as Brian finished helping Justin get dressed, he wrapped him in the throw from their bed, grabbed a pillow, and carried him out to the Envoy. Justin was drifting in and out of sleep the whole ride to the hospital, and as soon as they got there he was in a significant amount of pain, and the chills were so bad and he was shaking so violently that Brian could feel his muscles shaking as he held his husband.
"Justin Taylor-Kinney," a young nurse called after about thirty minutes of waiting.
"Yeah," Brian called out helping Justin stand up, and walk toward the treatment rooms.
"Sir," the young nurse said, "you can't come back here, only spouses or parents are allowed."
"I am his spouse," Brian said with a stone-faced glare.
"I'm sorry sir, unless you have your power of attorney papers with you that say you can make his medical decisions you are not allowed in the back."
"Brian, aren't your papers in your wallet," Justin asked. They had been through this once before when he had to be rushed to the hospital in the middle of the night for an allergic reaction.
"Fuck, I ran out of the house so fast that I didn't grab anything but you and the keys," Brian swore, "I'll call Michael and tell him to go get them. Ma'am is there anyway that I can go back with him, until the paperwork gets here."
"No I'm sorry sir, but it's hospital policy."
"Brian, go call Michael, it won't take him but twenty minutes to run to the house and grab the wallet, and get here. I will be okay until then."
"Okay, but you better have someone come tell me what's going on."
"I will sir, now please let me help your partner," she said reaching around Justin and helping him off to the back, and as they walked off Brian hoped he would be able to get up with Michael.
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Chapter 18
"Uhh, hello," Ben answered sleepily.
"Ben, it's Brian, I know it's late. I had to bring Justin to the ER and I was in such a hurry to get him here that I ran off and left our POA's at the house. I need you or Michael to go and grab them because they won't let me back until I have the forms," Brian said as he tried to remain calm.
"Okay, where are the forms at the house, and where is Alex?"
"Mikey knows where all the stuff is and Alex stayed at Linds and Mel's. No one else knows what's going on and I would really like it to stay that way because the fewer people that are up here until we know what's going on the better."
"Yeah, we will be there as soon as possible."
"Okay, thanks," Brian sighed as he shut his phone and turned around to walk back inside. Once inside the young nurse that had helped Justin to the back before he had gone outside met him.
"Mr. Kinney, I just wanted to let you know what all was going on. We are going to go ahead and do some blood work on your partner, and we are also going to start him on IV fluids. He's extremely dehydrated and in a significant amount of pain so we are going to increase his pain medication and try to lower his fever. Doctor Shaffer has been paged as well, and wants to come and do a spinal tap as soon as you have the papers to come back. Justin wanted to know if you had gotten up with your friends yet to bring them here."
"Tell him yes that they are their way here now."
"Okay, I will," she said flashing him a smile as she walked back to help Justin.
After about fifteen more minutes of waiting, Michael came walking into the ER holding a file folder with Ben hot on his heels. He paused for a moment when he saw Brian sitting on the bench in the hallway. The scene was all to strikingly similar to the past incidents of Justin's illness. Michael slowly approached Brian and handed him the papers.
"How is he," Ben asked when he walked up to them.
"I don't know much right now. He was running a fever so I thought I should bring him in. The nurse just told me that he was extremely dehydrated and that they are giving him fluids. Dr. Shaffer ordered a spinal tap, but wants to wait until I'm present to perform it, so other than that that's all I know."
"Okay, is there anything that we can do," Michael asked.
"Let Mel and Linds know what's going on that way they can help with Alex for the next few days, and I will go ahead and call everyone else once I know what's going on. Thanks for bringing up the forms."
"No problem, we will here from you tomorrow," Michael said standing up to go with Ben back home, "if you need anything let someone know."
"Okay, Mikey I know."
As soon as the Michael and Ben left, Brian found the proper forms, went, and handed them to the nurse at the gate. She looked them over, and within five minutes, Brian was back by Justin's side.
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Chapter 19
Brian walked slowly towards the room where Justin was. The site that greeted him made his heart cringe. There were tubes running into Justin from every possible angle. He had two separate IV bags hanging on the stand, and he was being given oxygen. His face was flushed and his whole body shook with feverish chills. Brian sat down in the chair that was next to the bed, and brushed the hair from Justin's forehead and kissed him gently.
"Hey, they finally let you in," Justin whispered as his eyes fluttered open.
"Yeah, go back to sleep, I'm not going anywhere."
"Okay, I love you."
"I love you too," Brian said kissing him once more time as Justin drifted back into his feverish sleep.
Brian dosed in the chair waking periodically when he heard a nurse or doctor stirring around checking Justin's vitals and IV. He awoke a third time when he felt and hand on his shoulder and a gentle voice whispering.
"Mr. Kinney, Mr. Kinney. The doctor wants to go ahead and do the spinal tap on your partner now," the young nurse that had been helping them the whole time whispered.
"Okay, I'll wake him up and let him know. He hasn't been sleeping very long," Brian said as more of a question than a statement.
"No not at all, its only been about an hour since he was brought in, and you have been dosing off and on, but for not more than fifteen minutes, because I have been checking his vitals every five minutes."
"Damn it feels like it has been a lot longer than that. Okay, which doctor is performing the spinal tap?"
"Dr. Shaffer wanted to do it personally considering Justin's health, and he wanted to speak to you about some other options that are out there since he last talked to both of you."
"Thanks," Brian replied as he gently caressed his husband's sleeping frame. Now he just hoped that the new options were going to be a treatment plan to help Justin beat the cancer.
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Chapter 20
"Justin if you feel any kind of pain at all other than the pressure from the needle please let me know because I don't want to jerk you around," Dr. Shaffer called out as he began the procedures to perform the spinal tap. Brian stood next to the bed holding Justin's shoulders to prevent him from moving and whispered soothing words in his ear. Quiet tears spilled down Justin's cheeks as he felt that severe pressure that came from doing the spinal, "Okay we are done."
"Okay," Brian replied as he loosened his grip on Justin's shoulders and helped him roll onto his stomach, "Baby, are you okay."
"Yeah," Justin choked out, "Can you get me some Advil when you come back, and turn out the lights on your way out. I can already feel the dull ache."
"Yeah," Brian said brushing a kiss on his forehead and walking out the door behind Dr. Shaffer. Once out the door he asked the doctor, "you had mentioned something about options, and what is wrong with him now?"
"Well, it looks like he has spinal meningitis because of the high fever, and body aches, but then it could also be a really bad case of the flu. Since he has a compromised immune system it could be just about anything."
"Damnit, our daughter had a stomach virus a week ago that started out with a really high fever, and he insisted on taking care of her," Brian practically shouted. He had insisted that Justin not get around her with her being sick, but he had told him that no matter how sick he was he needed to be there for their daughter when she needed him.
"Well that is a really good possibility. I also wanted to talk to you about a new experimental treatment program. A new drug is being tested in Europe for patients that have had a recurrence after more than one bone marrow transplant. I heard about it the other day and immediately thought about Justin, because the primary candidates for the study are young men and women in their early to mid thirties."
"How long would we have to go to Europe?"
"Well it's a six month study, and if the drug treatment is successful they will approve it for FDA use which means he could continue treatment in the US after that, and the sooner he is enrolled in the study the better, because it only has seventeen available slots and they are almost all full. So there is not much time to decide, but I will go ahead and put in a recommendation."
"Thank you, I better get back in there with Justin, and we will definitely consider doing that. Thank you," Brian said and the quietly walked back to Justin's room.
"Hey, what did the doctor want," Justin asked when Brian walked in.
"Just to tell me about a new treatment option, and that you might have meningitis, or that stomach thing that Alex had."
"Yeah, not the smartest thing to take care of her when I knew that I could get it a lot easier, so what did he say about treatments?"
"How would you feel about moving to Europe for six months?"
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Chapter 21
"Europe, Brian? What about Alex," Justin whispered. He could feel the throbbing beginning at the base of his neck and he closed his eyes.
"Yeah, there is an experimental treatment that is being tested over there for men and women in their early to mid thirties, and Dr. Shaffer seems to think you would qualify for the program, and Alex could live with Mel and Linds until we get back. I know they wouldn't mind," Brian whispered back running his hand through Justin's hair and to the base of his neck where he began rubbing soothing circles.
"I'll think about it, but right now I just need to rest. The light is beginning to hurt my eyes and I'm nauseas," Justin whispered as his eyes fluttered shut.
"Okay," Brian whispered as he continued to rub soothing circles on his back and neck. A few hours later Dr. Shaffer came back to Justin's room with the test results.
"He's all clear for all the heavy duty viruses, no meningitis, or pneumonia. He probably has the early stages of the stomach virus that your daughter had, but as I was saying earlier, it is going to be worse on his system since his immune system is compromised. I'm going to go ahead and admit him, at least overnight that way we can keep him hydrated, and monitor him for any signs of other infections.
"Thanks, is there anything else we can do."
"Just wait it out because unfortunately it is a virus, and there is really nothing we can give him because the antiviral medication reacts with the pain meds, and could make things a lot more difficult, and I'll also start him on an anti nausea medication."
"Thanks," Brian whispered as he sat back allowing his eyes close for a few moments of precious sleep, and he also thanked whoever was listening that Justin was going to be okay for the moment.
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Chapter 22
"Justin, she can live with Mel and Linds or your mom and Molly," Brian stated firmly as he helped Justin into the jeep. Dr. Shaffer had decided to go ahead and discharge him after keeping him overnight for observation, and had wanted him to go rest, and highly consider the treatment options.
"Brian, how is she going to handle us being gone for six months? She's five, and she doesn't even know that I'm really sick all she knows is that Papa had to go to the hospital because he had a tummy ache and fever. How are we going to explain to her that we have to leave her for six months?"
"We just have to tell her that you are really sick, we can explain it to her like we did with Gus when he was little. She might understand the big bug analogy, and Gus and Jenny will help her at school."
"Yeah, I just really hate that we have to leave her and go all the way to Belgium for this treatment. I wish the fucking FDA would just allow certain drugs in cancer treatment to have studies performed in the US."
"Yeah, we will make it baby."
"Yeah, I just have to do some more thinking about what all of this means, and honestly Brian I still feel like shit and I just want to get home and sleep in our bed, and give it some more thought once I'm feeling better."
"Okay, I'm going to go ahead and go get your pain medication and anti nausea drugs dropped off and then we will go ahead and go home and get you in bed."
"Thanks," Justin said laying his head against the cool glass as the nausea washed over him, and as he drifted off, he thought that maybe Belgium wouldn't be that bad of an idea.
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Chapter 23
Brian was pale and tense, and he could feel the migraine beginning at the base of his skull as he sat next to Justin stroking his head as he drifted off to sleep. The last few days had been extremely turbulent on their family. The final decision had been made concerning the experimental treatment a few days after Justin had come home from the hospital, and Jennifer had agreed that she and Molly would take Alex in until Brian and Justin came back from Belgium. Alex hadn't had a very difficult time understanding what was going on with Justin, but there had been many tears shed when they had left to fly to Belgium, and Brian was still thinking about the conversation that he had had with Alex.
"Alex, I need to talk to you," Brian called out to his daughter.
"Yeah, Daddy"
"Papa, is really sick," Brian said taking her onto his lap.
"Is the big bug back, Daddy. Gus told me that the big bug always makes Papa throw up and puts him in the hospital, and Papa was sick and in the hospital."
"Yeah baby girl, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. Papa needs to go see a doctor far away, and we need you to be a big girl and stay here with Grandma Jen, and the rest of the family. Can you be a big girl and do that for us."
"Yeah, Daddy, when are ya'll going to come home?"
"A long time from now sweetie, but I'll try and come visit when Papa isn't so sick okay?"
"Okay."
As he replayed that conversation over in his mind, he was also glad that Justin was finally asleep because the last few days had been torturous on his body. The flight to Belgium had been extremely turbulent, and Justin had been in pain most of the time, and the first thing that the doctors wanted to do was put a catheter in Justin's chest much like the one that they had removed shortly after his final bone marrow transplant. That required that he be taken into surgery; however, he began running fever during the operation. The doctors suspected that he was having an allergic reaction to the anesthetic and painkiller so he was taken off the pain medication, which caused the pain to return full force. Brian continued to soothe Justin as he moaned softly in his sleep, and as Brian finally drifted into a fitful sleep himself, he just prayed that something would hurry and ease his husband's pain.
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Chapter 24
"Mr. Kinney," a young doctor in her early to mid thirties said, "I'm Dr. Linda Fey, and I'm in charge of the test group that Justin is in."
"Nice to meet you," Brian said stifling a yawn, "please call me Brian."
"Okay, Brian, I just wanted to explain to you about the treatment that Justin is going to go through. There is going to be three steps to the process. A chemical induction much like normal chemo, then the interferon transfusions will take place in order for the weakened cancer cells to bind with the interferon, and then finally a radiation phase that will knock out any remaining cancer cells."
"But he's already done all of this though, how is it going to be any different than the transplants and treatment he's already suffered through?"
"Well what our hope is that after the radiation treatment is completed there will be no existence of any cancerous cells, and in order to replenish the blood supply at the end of the treatments we will give him a transfusion of stem cells."
"So this is stem cell research that is being performed," Brian questioned. He knew that the drug treatment was going to be different but they performed trial studies in the US all the time. When Dr. Shaffer had told him that they were going to have to go overseas for a treatment program, he should have known it was something to that effect.
"Yeah, embryonic and cord blood stem cell research," Dr. Fey said smiling.
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Chapter 25
"We are aware that your husband has had two previous bone marrow transplants that used his sister's bone marrow, however sometimes the best option in fighting leukemia is to look at the marrow of the sick patient more carefully," Dr. Fey explained as she and Brian stepped into the hallway.
"I'm confused at what you mean, Dr. Shaffer said that his marrow was too weak to be used in a transplant of his own, and now you are telling me that that is what you are going to do."
"Well not exactly, Dr. Shaffer meant that the bone marrow that Justin is producing is too weak to save his life had the original two transplants failed when he was still at a weak phase after the treatment. What is going to be done now is that Justin is going to have a harvesting operation on some of his current bone marrow. Once this is procedure is done, we will focus high amounts of radiation onto the sample killing all the leukemia cells then embryonic stem cells will be injected into the sample allowing new healthy white cells and red blood cells to be formed. We will then use this sample to be the test subject on Justin, and we will do the same procedure throughout his body."
"How sick is this going to make him, and how much pain is he going to be in," Brian asked genuinely concerned for Justin's well being.
"Pretty nauseas and in a significant amount of pain, however we administer painkillers through a central line throughout the whole procedure, and until the high dose chemotherapy begins we encourage our patients and their spouses to remain as intimate as they feel is acceptable in the hospital environment. In fact, we encourage our patients to have sex because it releases endorphins and brings the pain level down significantly more than the painkillers will. Once Justin is recovered from the surgery, he will be moved to our testing facility on the top floor, which is apartment style rooms with a couch, kitchenette, small living area, and bedroom. The nurses will come in everyday, and take his vitals and administer medication, but once again we highly encourage that the routine remain the same."
"Interesting, but thanks," Brian said once again stifling a yawn, "I am going to go ahead and try to get some rest. Thanks for your information."
"You're welcome Brian," Dr. Fey replied as she walked back down the hall.
"Brian where did you go," Justin whispered when Brian walked back in.
"I had to go talk to your doctor, Dr. Fey. She is really strange, and so is the whole idea behind this treatment," Brian said as he stripped to his underwear and climbed in bed with Justin spooning him close against his body. "She said that they are going to harvest your bone marrow and then do the same thing you have already done, but the only difference is that after you go through the high dose chemo treatment your bone marrow is going to be replaced with the bone marrow that was harvested and that stem cells have been injected into. They also have apartments on the upper floor of the hospital that they are going to have us move into, and they encourage more sex."
"What the fuck is that all about," Justin whispered as he drifted in and out fighting to stay awake.
"I don't know baby, but I am determined to find out. We should just sleep now, and I will find out more tomorrow," Brian whispered as he drifted off into a light fitful sleep listening to the sound of Justin's quiet breathing.
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Chapter 26
"Justin, baby," Brian whispered causing Justin to stir slightly.
"Yeah," Justin whispered as he turned over to meet Brian's tired gaze with his own.
"Yeah, how are you feeling?"
"Still weak, and I hurt all over, I can't wait for the interferon treatments to end. I think I hate the pain worse than the endless vomiting. At least then I can sleep without waking up in agony."
"Yeah, do you feel up to talking to Alex?"
"Yeah, it will probably make me feel better to talk to her. While I call mom's can you get me a bottle of water?"
"Yeah," Brian said as he walked in to the kitchenette.
Once Brian was outside of the bedroom Justin reached over and picked up the phone. His hands were trembling, and his joints were hurting. He had been sick the last few times that Brian had called and hadn't spoken to Alex for a few weeks, and he was hoping that he wouldn't get a lot of questions that he couldn't answer. He quickly dialed the number, and slouched back against the pillows.
"Hello," Jennifer answered cheerfully.
"Mom, is Alex there," Justin whispered.
"Justin, baby, how are you feeling? You sound like you are in pain," Jennifer asked.
"Is it that obvious," Justin whispered put out by the fact that his voice was giving him away. He was beginning to get frustrated and was rather quickly beginning to regret the whole idea of them getting on a plane and coming to Belgium, "I just really want to talk to Alex."
"She's at Mel and Linds, spending the night with the other kids. I'll let you go, call her, and Justin sweetheart, I love you."
"I love you to Mom," Justin replied then he placed the phone back on its cradle just as Brian was walking back into the room with a bottle of Advil and two separate bottles of water.
"That was fast, I'm guessing she didn't want to talk."
"No, mom said she was spending the night at Mel and Lindsay's, I was going to call over there but was waiting for you to get back that way you could talk to Gus also."
"Thanks," Brian replied as he sat back down on the edge of the bed and sat the Advil and water on the nightstand. He noticed that Justin was shaking, and could barely pick up the phone much less dial all the numbers, "Here let me help," he said gently taking the phone from Justin's grip.
"Thanks," Justin said taking the phone from Brian once the number was dialed.
"Hello," Melanie answered.
"Mel, is Alex there," Justin whispered.
"Justin, yeah she is, how are you feeling," Mel asked as she walked into the kitchen and tapped Alex on the shoulder and motioned for her.
"Good, just tired," Justin whispered.
"Well I'm glad, I love you and take care of yourself. Here she is."
"Thanks, Alex?"
"PAPA," Alex shrieked, "do you want to know what I did in school today?"
"Sure baby girl, did you paint?"
"No, we had show and tell, and we talked about our parents."
"What did you tell them about your parents?"
"Just that I lived with my Grandma Jen because my Papa and Daddy had to go far away so that the big bug that didn't like Papa would go away."
"Did they ask questions," Justin asked as he began to shake even more, and he desperately needed some of his pain medication before he tried to go back to sleep.
"They asked about the bug and I told them that it makes you really sick, but when you get to come home after the bug is gone you will be better and we can go play at the zoo and I also told them that we like to paint Daddy together."
"Yeah, I want to be able to do that again soon, but baby girl I need to go sleep now though so I can get better."
"Okay, I love you Papa."
"Love you to baby girl, here's Daddy," Justin said slouching back against his pillow as he handed Brian the phone.
"Hey…," Brian's voice trailed off as Justin's thoughts wondered to his daughter. He thought about how much of her young life he was missing by being halfway around the world undergoing experimental cancer treatment. Most parents would be going to conferences and worrying about behavior not whether or not they were going to live to see their child's next birthday. He snapped back to reality from Brian asking, "Jus, you okay?"
"Brian, make love to me," he whispered, "I need to know I'm alive, and I need the physical and emotional pain to go away."
"Are you sure, all these research doctors encourage sex there are probably cameras hiding all over the place," Brian whispered.
"Since when has Brian Kinney been modest?"
"True, I love you baby," Brian said kissing Justin deeply plunging his tongue into his husband's mouth.
"Love you too." Justin whispered as he began to kiss Brian back and make his pain melt away.
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Chapter 27
Justin's gaze followed the muscular curves of Brian's sleeping frame. His breathing was deep and even and Justin smiled when he heard the slight wheeze that was so uniquely Brian. He kissed him gently on the shoulder then untangled himself from Brian's grasp. He stood and stretched his aching joints. He glanced at the clock as he walked by and noticed that it was only four in the morning. He switched on the lamp that led into the hallway between the bedroom and living area, and quietly walked into the bathroom. Lately due to all the pain he was experiencing during the day, he was sleeping all the time, and Brian was keeping strange hours taking care of him, and working on the Kinnetik campaigns while the office was still open in Pittsburgh, so he slept late into the morning, and Justin would often watch him sleep.
Once in the bathroom, he grabbed his interferon kit, and prepared the catheter that was in his chest for the shot. Supposedly, the interferon injections were binding with any cancer cells that were spread throughout the body, and would cause them to clump together allowing more to die at a time along with radiation and chemotherapy. The doctors had told him that the best way to tell the medication was working was that there would be chronic pain, and sure enough they were right. He flinched as the medication hit the muscles in his chest, and he choked back the bile that came with the intense pain that followed. Once he had breathed through most of the pain, he slipped on some sweats and went back to the bedroom.
Brian's eyes met his when he walked back in, "Couldn't sleep?"
"Yeah, it's from sleeping all day. I'm okay, and I just gave myself a shot. Go back to sleep," Justin said placing a kiss on his lips, and switching the hall lamp off as he went into the living area.
Once Justin walked into the living room, he grabbed a sketchpad, and began feverishly sketching the image of Brian that had formed there from earlier. Lately the only time that Brian looked at peace was when he was asleep, and Justin desperately wanted to capture that peace on paper. As he continued to sketch Brian, images of all the wonderful events in their marriage flashed through his mind, and before long the peace came over him as well, and he fell asleep.
The next morning Brian awoke to find Justin asleep on the couch, and his sketchpad was lying open next to him. When Brian picked it up to close it, he noticed the sketches. There were sketches of him, and Alex. Justin had sketched images from their trip to Canada when they had gotten married, and even sketches of the day they had brought Alex home from the adoption agency. The most striking image though was the intertwined Claddagh rings. Brian closed the sketchpad, gently picked up his husband, and carried him into the bedroom.
"Bri, I love you." Justin mumbled sleepily.
"I love you too, Sunshine," Brian whispered, and he silently wished that the sunshine would soon be able to come back in their lives.
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