What The...?
BOOK 2
What the Fuck is Going On!
Chapter 1
"Honey I'm home," Brian smirked as he walked through the door and proceeded to go towards the bedroom to change.
"Hey," Justin called out from the living room. Brian walked in and found Justin sitting on the floor flipping through the scrapbook from their trip to Canada and their vow renewal ceremony. Brian flipped on the CD player and then joined Justin on the floor pulling him in close for a kiss.
"How was your day," Brian asked.
"Good, Deb brought over some cannelloni which is in the fridge if you're hungry and a whole bunch of pictures from our vow renewal ceremony so I figured that I would add them to the scrap book."
"I'll help after I heat up some of the pasta," Brian said as got up to go to the kitchen, but before he got two steps towards the kitchen, Justin grabbed his arm pulling him into a lip-searing kiss. Justin proceeded to pull off Brian's shirt and pants as he slowly worked his way to Brian's cock. Brian moaned as Justin ran his tongue along his shaft flicking the tip. He proceeded to move down to the balls licking, sucking, and nibbling on Brian's inner thigh. He continued to lick and suck until Brian was shooting into his mouth. He kissed his husband one more time and allowed their flavor time to linger together.
"How was that?"
"Fabulous, now it's your turn," Brian replied tackling Justin to the ground. He stripped his clothes off and ground their groins together while sucking on Justin's nipples. He bit and sucked all the way down to his cock taking it all into his mouth at once. Justin writhed and moaned pushing Brian's head further down onto his cock. Brian continued sucking and nibbling until Justin was shooting into his mouth. He swallowed his cum and smiled looking deep into his husband's eyes meeting his lips for a long lingering kiss.
"That was amazing, but now I'm hungry for real food," Justin said giggling.
"Could have fooled me," Brian smirked and walked off to heat up the pasta.
It had been a year since their vow renewal ceremony and life for them couldn't have been any better. Justin had been cancer free for the last year, and even though he still had to go for monthly checkups, but they were finally getting to settle down into their routine of married life.
Later that evening after finishing dinner and taking a shower they sat down to add the pictures to the scrapbook of the wedding festivities, "Hey Jus, how is this one," Brian said as he held up a picture of them with cake covered faces.
"Perfect," Justin giggled.
"You're telling me huh," Brian said tackling him and smothering his lips with a kiss. As the night went on they made love for hours reveling in the sweetness of each other's love, but little did they know that it was once again going to be jeopardized.
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Chapter 2
"Hi, Justin and Brian how are you both doing today," Dr. Shaffer asked as he walked into the exam room at the oncology clinic.
"Good, and yourself doc," Brian smirked. He was thankful for the doctor's honesty when it came to treating Justin for the last year, but he still liked to give him the Brian Kinney attitude every once in awhile. Justin had been feeling run down for the last few weeks and even though he figured that it was just stress Brian had insisted that they call the Dr. Shaffer and go in earlier than his normal checkup.
"Good, Justin what seems to be the problem I wasn't supposed to see you for another week?"
"Well I have been really tired and I feel like I have no energy, and that's the way I felt when I was sick before."
"It could be a number of things so I want to take some blood, and then we will go from there."
"Okay," Brian said wrapping Justin in his arms because he could sense that his husband was nervous.
Later that evening both men slept fitfully. When Dr. Shaffer looked at Justin's blood work he had been concerned and sent Justin in for a bone marrow biopsy. Now all they could do was wait for the call.
"No, this can't be happening you said I was healthy," Justin mumbled in his sleep. He jerked awake and sat straight up his breathing was rapid and he was struggling for air. Brian woke up and could tell he was having a panic attack, and knew that he had been having a nightmare.
"Justin, baby…," Brian said wrapping him in his arms, "c'mon baby breath with me."
Brian leaned up against the pillows pulling Justin against his chest and breathed deeply in and out allowing Justin to feel the rhythm of his breathing. Justin had had panic attacks after the bashing and during the year of treatment and they had found that they best way to bring him out of that state was to just keep him as calm as possible. It took about ten minutes, but Brian managed to get his husband's breathing under control.
"Brian," Justin whispered weakly, "I need you to make love to me, please make the fear go away," and as Brian complied with his husband's request there was still the lingering fear of what was to come.
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Chapter 3
Brian ran his hands along his husband's pale skin kissing every inch of his body from his head down to his toes. He massaged his tense muscles and encouraged him to relax. Justin was incredibly tense and Brian intended on taking this love making session slow so that they would both feel every amount of pleasure as they drowned out the one worry that was on their minds.
"Hmm," Justin moaned as Brian nibbled on the inside of his thigh causing chills to run up and down his body, "Brian I need to taste you."
"Hmm, in time," Brian whispered as he made his way up Justin's body to meet his lips in a rough tongue battling kiss. The kissing turned more urgent as Brian lowered himself over his husband once again sucking on his neck and chest savoring his flavor as he worked his way to his balls. He massaged his sac gently and sucked his cock until Justin was teetering on the edge of the cliff. He backed off bringing Justin down slowly allowing his breathing to return to normal. They had practiced the art of Tantric sex when Justin had been sick before because not only did it intensify their sex it was relaxing and helped to take Justin's mind of his health. Brian's full intention was to use that technique tonight.
"Brian, I need to feel you," Justin moaned his voice thick with lust and trembling with ecstasy. Brian straddled his hips and took his hands in his. He could tell from his trembling voice that he was close to coming so he ran his hand over Justin's lips silencing him with a kiss.
"Baby, focus on me and breathe. Let's make this last," Brian said as his hazel eyes locked with the pale blue of his husband's.
"Okay," Justin whispered knowing what Brian wanted to do, "hold on though let's do this right," he slid of the bed, went and got some candles, and turned on a soft music mix. He wanted tonight to last so that they wouldn't have to face tomorrow. Once the music was set and the candles were lit Justin and Brian sat on the bed face to face breathing in and out, and gazing into the depths of one another's soul.
Love - Devotion
Feeling - Emotion
Don't be afraid to be weak
Don't be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart my friend
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence
Justin slowly moved into Brian's arms kissing his neck and shoulders following the same path that Brian had earlier in the evening with him. Brian continued to breathe with Justin and began to feel his whole body relax. Justin was worshipping his body and soul through his touch. Brian held Justin kissing his shoulders; neck and chest all the while savoring the flavor of one another.
If you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself don't hide
Just believe in destiny
Don't care what people say
Just follow your own way
Don't give up and use the chance
To return to innocence
Brian moved Justin onto his side and kissed and sucked his way down to his cock taking him in one swoop at the same time that Justin to his shaft in his mouth. They sucked and licked slowly sharing the passion of oral sex. The skin on skin contact along with the smell of sex made the passion flare. The fire in one another's actions and touch bared the soul and erased all fears and anxiety.
That's not the beginning of the end
That's the return to yourself
The return to innocence
Don't care what people say
Just follow your own way
Don't give up and use the chance
To return to innocence
They made love slowly and tenderly sharing the depths of one another's souls. They savored the sweetness of passion and love. There was tenderness that they had rarely experienced. Brian kissed Justin tenderly savoring his husband. They made love slowly allowing their bodies and souls to intertwine. Justin never broke his gaze or breathing off that of his husband and as they both reached their orgasm together they felt renewed and refreshed to face what was coming for them the following day.
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Chapter 4
Brian awoke with a jolt when the alarm went off. He untangled himself from his husband kissed him on the forehead and stumbled to the bathroom. He pulled on his robe and went to the kitchen to make coffee. He decided to let Justin sleep awhile longer since they had only been asleep for a few hours and he flipped on his laptop to catch up on some work.
He sat looking at the screen but couldn't seem to find the concentration to work. He kept running through the events of the previous day, and how raw and passionate their lovemaking had been. He knew that he wanted that again, and he decided that the best thing to do was to take the day off. He knew the last time they had waited on some test results it took almost two days and that Justin was a nervous wreck. He called Cynthia to let her know to handle the Brown Athletics follow up meetings and to tell her he wouldn't be in the rest of the week.
As he was about to go climb back in bed, Justin stumbled out of the bedroom. He had dark circles under his eyes, and looked like he was about to pass out, "Hey sleepyhead, I took the day off why don't we go back to sleep," Brian said pulling him close, and that's when he realized the tears, "baby what's wrong."
"Dr. Shaffer called my cell when you were on the phone with Cynthia," Justin struggled to speak, "I'm sick again," and as he began to sob Brian wrapped him in his arms and held him close.
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Chapter 5
"Shh baby, everything is going to be okay, we will get through this again," Brian whispered as he rubbed soothing circles on Justin's back.
"Bri, I love you," Justin said between sobs.
"I love you too, baby," Brian whispered.
Once Justin had calmed down Brian convinced him to go back to bed. He had been more tired than ever lately and now that they knew the cause it was just going to make it worse if he stressed himself out. Brian went and lay down next to him and continued to rub circles on his back and whisper words of comfort. When he was certain that Justin was asleep he slowly moved off the bed and walked back into the living room to call Dr. Shaffer.
"University of Pittsburgh Oncology Clinic, Dr. Harold Shaffer speaking, how may I help you?"
"Dr. Shaffer, this is Brian Kinney. I was wondering what's going on with my husband. He told me that you had just called and told him that he was sick again. What seems to be going on?"
"Brian, Justin has relapsed post transplant which is normally not a good sign. He is going to have to start more aggressive chemotherapy and radiation, and once there is no sign of cancer we can proceed with a second bone marrow transplant, and if the transplant is performed while Justin is in remission then the chances are going to be a lot higher. If he becomes to sick and his system is non responsive to treatment and we have to kill off his immune system again while there is still the presence of cancer cells the chances are going to be a lot lower."
"What are the chances of remission?"
"About 25 percent," and with that said Brian felt like his heart was shattering in his chest.
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Chapter 6
"Brrri," Justin mumbled as he lay curled in a ball on the bed. It had been a week since they had found out that he had relapsed. After some serious consideration and talk with his mom and Molly they had decided that the best option for him was going to be to try for the second transplant so the chemo had been begun immediately.
His skin was pale and ashen and he looked as if a gust of wind would blow him away. He had been hoping that all that he was going to have to have was chemotherapy but he also had to have radiation. It made his skin feel tight and dry, and no matter how many times he had been through the chemo regimen during his first time with cancer this time had to be the worst nausea that he had had and he was always afraid to move for the fear that everything he had attempted to eat would come up. He was having chills and nothing seemed to be helping not even the anti nausea drugs he had been given this time and the Advil.
"Yeah Jus," Brian whispered sitting down next to him trying not to shake the bed to much knowing that any little movement would make him even more nauseous
"Can I have some more of the anti nausea medicine yet?"
"Not yet, it's still too soon but I'll get you some saltines and sprite that might help," Brian said kissing his forehead and sliding back off the bed, but before he even got two steps out of the bedroom Justin rolled over leaning off the side of the bed. Brian went and grabbed one of the blue ice cold packs out of the freezer and wrapped it in a towel and walked into the bedroom. He placed the cool pack on the back of his husband's neck and braced his shoulders as his body was lurched with vomiting. Once the vomiting subsided, Brian managed to get him to keep a few sips of sprite down and gave him two more Advil just before he drifted into a fitful feverish sleep.
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Chapter 7
"Brian, why don't you go home, Ted and I can handle this," Cynthia said as she walked into his office. He had had a meeting scheduled with the Liberty Air Reps that morning and they had insisted that they would meet with no one but Brian, but now they were running late which was beginning to get to his nerves.
"No, its okay Jennifer is with Justin at treatment, and soon as the assholes show up I'm going to introduce you and Ted and get out of here, but I am going to be there for introductions and that's it. If they wanted my time they should have been here on time or made arrangements," Brian snapped. He had a headache and he was exhausted. He had had been up most of the night taking care of Justin and he had tried to explain to the reps that he had a family illness and that it wasn't going to be possible for him to meet with them, but they still insisted.
"Okay, and Brian if you need anything else just let me know."
"Thanks Cynthia," Brian replied as he turned his attention back to the notes on the Liberty Air pitch. He was jarred from his thoughts when the phone on his desk rang. He picked it up hoping that it was the reps explaining their tardiness but smiled when he heard the voice on the other end.
"Hey babe," Justin said weakly.
"Hey baby why aren't you resting, you don't sound like you feel well at all."
"I don't but I thought that I would call you and let you know we are back from treatment so that when you are done with your meeting you can come back to the hotel. I love you."
Brian smiled then hung up the phone at the exact moment Cynthia came to get him for the Liberty Air meeting. He walked into the conference room introduced himself briefly then introduced Cynthia and Ted. He put up the boards and excused himself saying, "Thank you gentlemen but because of your tardiness I have another appointment."
There were a few murmurs throughout the reps then one of them had the nerve to ask, "What's up his ass?"
Cynthia immediately piped up, "He already explained to you that he has was supposed to be taking care of a family problem today, but because of your lateness he had to be here. My suggestion to you all is to suck up the questions and let us pitch the idea or get the fuck out of here now," and with that said the men shut up and let Ted and Cynthia seal the deal.
Once Brian made it back to the hotel, he walked into the room quietly. He heard whispering coming from the bedroom. He walked in and found Justin lying on the bed with Daphne sitting on the edge of it putting on her shoes.
"Hey Daphne how have you been doing," Brian said leaning down to kiss his husband.
"Good, I just came to visit with Justin and I was just about to get going once I heard you come in. I have a major project due to that I need to finish. Later," she said as she kissed each man on the cheek and left.
Brian changed his clothes then crawled in bed next to Justin brushing the hair from his forehead as he kissed him deeply. Once they broke for air Brian asked, "What did Dr. Shaffer say today?"
"Just that I am responding to treatment, but that it's going to take at least two rounds with a month in between to make sure that the marrow is cancer free and then the transplant process begins again. How did the Liberty Air meeting go?"
"I bailed. The people are such assholes they didn't even want to see Ted or Cynthia but I stuck them with them anyway. You are much more important to me than the account. I love you."
"Love you too," Justin murmured against Brian's shoulder, and as Brian watched him sleep, he hoped that the second transplant was a success.
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Chapter 8
Brian continued looking at the boards for Liberty Air. He was convinced that he should just drop the account. It had been a week since he had bailed on the meeting, but Ted and Cynthia had managed to seal the deal and convince the reps that Brian had a life outside of them. He was staring into thin air thinking about what to do when his phone rang.
"Brian, I need you," Justin said weakly and breathlessly.
"Justin, what's wrong," Brian asked trying not to show the panic that he was feeling.
"The pain is too much, I need you please hurry."
"Okay baby stay with me and keep talking. Cynthia I have to go now," Brian said grabbing his coat and running out the door.
"Bri.. I love you, "Justin kept mumbling over and over again weaker and more breathless with every word. Brian was driving as fast as he could to the hotel and once he pulled in he ran the steps two at a time up to their room. Justin had seemed well enough to be by himself for a few hours but now Brian was regretting his decision to go to the office.
"Justin," Brian began to panic when he got to the room and found Justin on the floor next to the couch. His skin was pale, his breathing was shallow, and his lips had a bluish tinge, "Justin stay with me, where does it hurt."
"My head and chest," Justin whispered wincing from the pain.
"Okay, baby hold on," but before Brian could finish that sentence Justin began seizing. His body jerked and his lips turned blue, "JUSTIN hold on baby hold on," Brian shouted as he watched his husband go limp.
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Chapter 9
"Justin, can you hear me. Come on stay with us," Dr Shaffer shouted. Brian had immediately called 911 when Justin started seizing, "Brian you're going to have to sit out in the hallway while we stabilize him."
Brian sat out in the hallway next to the trauma room. He called Jennifer to let her know what was going on and she had said she would be there as soon as possible. He was a nervous wreck and could hear everything going on in the room. He knew that Justin was still having seizures and it terrified him.
"Brian what's going on," Jennifer shouted as she ran to his side.
"He started having seizures," he choked out at about the same time that Dr. Shaffer stepped out of the trauma room.
"Brian, he's finally stable. He had two more seizures since the one in the hotel room and he's highly sedated but he should be okay. He's still not awake but that's from the sedative he was given to stop the seizing. You both can go in and see him, but be gentle and if anything changes let us know immediately. He had a lot of fluid on his chest so we drained it off and I've ordered a spinal tap to see that cause of the seizures. I'm going to admit him for observation and we will go from there."
"Okay thank you," Brian said as he opened the door to the trauma room.
"Brian, I'm going to go call the rest of the family and give you a moment alone," Jennifer said, and as she walked off, he slipped into the room. He almost lost it when he saw his husband. His skin was ashen and pale. He had tubes running all over and he hadn't even noticed how much weight he had lost until now.
"Hey, they said you have to stay in here a few days to recover, but you're going to be okay. Jus, I love you," Brian whispered as he stroked his husband's hand.
"Mr. Kinney, were going to move him into isolation now," a young nurse said as she raised the railings on the bed.
Brian went and took care of signing the last bit of admissions paperwork then made his way up to the isolation floor. He went to the nurses' station, found out which room Justin was in, and then went and gowned out. Once he entered the room, he crawled on the bed and wrapped himself around his husband. He was afraid to know what was going to happen next.
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Chapter 10
Brian walked the halls until he found himself in the chapel downstairs at the hospital. Jennifer had gone into sit with her son to give Brian some time to get some rest. He had attempted to sleep but when that wasn't successful he ended up there. Justin had been sleeping most of the last 24 hours. Dr Shaffer had been in twice to check on him and he had told Brian that it was normal and to keep talking to him and it would help him come out of the drug state easier and without panic. They had done brain scans that showed his brain activity was normal and the results of the spinal tap were supposed to be in within the day. He was glad that Jennifer had come because he desperately needed to get out, and before he realized what was happening he was on the back row of the church sobbing. He must have sat there for over an hour when he felt a hand on his shoulder.
"Brian," Debbie asked with concern in her voice.
"What do you want," he asked dryly. He didn't want pity all he wanted was Justin to be healthy.
"Dr. Shaffer wants to talk to you."
"Okay I'll be right there," Brian replied standing up and going to meet with the doctor. Once he was upstairs though the look on the doctor's face spoke volumes of concern.
"Brian, the results from the spinal tap are in and I'm afraid to tell you that the results aren't good."
"What's going to happen," Brian whispered suddenly feeling violently ill.
"Well that's what we need to discuss once he's awake, but the cancer has stopped responding to treatment, and unless we can achieve complete remission before we do the immune suppressants the chances for a successful transplant don't look good."
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Chapter 11
Brian sat quietly holding Justin's hand. He had asked Dr. Shaffer to give him some time with Justin so that once he woke up they could talk about the options. Dr Shaffer had given Brian a few possibilities but they were all tricky. The first one was to start giving Justin interferon, a drug that would bind with the leukemic cells, and the other option was to increase the dose of the chemotherapy and not allow his body to have any time between cycles. The risks on both were high considering the chances of heart problems and allergic reactions, and there was also an increase risk of infection and bleeding problems.
"Bri, what's wrong, and what happened," Justin asked as he opened his eyes blinking rapidly to the adjusting light.
"You had a seizure, I'm so glad you are awake. I've been worried sick."
"Why are you crying?"
"Rest now, talk later," Brian whispered. He definitely did not want to talk to Justin about the news that Dr. Shaffer had given him.
"Bri, please tell me, you are the one that always told me we would get through this together. Now please tell me what's going on,"
Brian gripped his hand strongly willing his voice to come out of his mouth, "Baby, the cancer stopped responding to treatments, and unless something changes the second transplant probably isn't going to work."
"No, fuck, how," was all Justin could manage to get to come out of his mouth before he started to sob. He didn't understand why. Dr Shaffer had even said that the cancer was responding and now it wasn't. What the fuck was going on in his body?
"Shh baby, Brian soothed, "there are plenty of options and once youre stronger we can discuss them, but for right now please get some rest, and don't forget for better or worse. We'll do this together."
"I know, but it doesn't mean it doesn't suck."
"Yeah baby, I know."
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Chapter 12
"Shh, baby its okay," Brian soothed as he rubbed Justin's neck with a cool cloth as he continued to vomit. A few days after finding out that the cancer was not responding, Justin had decided to try the high dose chemotherapy even though he knew the risks. He had been given an otherwise clean bill of health after the episode with the seizures, and had been sent back to the hotel with a treatment schedule.
"I hate this," Justin sobbed as he leaned back into Brian. He was sick of being sick and he knew that it was only going to get worse.
"I know but you area fighter that's why you decided this, and you know at anytime that you want to stop fighting its ok."
"Brian I love you to much to just die. I cant give up on myself or us. Please just support this decision."
"I'm doing that you know that. I love you with my whole heart and soul."
"Yeah babe I know, can you help me back to bed,"
"Sure baby, I love you." Brian said picking Justin up off the floor and laying him gently on the bed. He kissed him on the forehead and climbed in next to him.
"Bri, thanks for loving me as much as you do."
"Baby, thank you for being my sunshine," and as they slept that night wrapped in one another's arms there was the hope that maybe they would be able to get through it.
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Chapter 13
Brian unwrapped himself from Justin about two hours later when he woke up. He hadn't been sleeping well since Justin had decided to fight the cancer. He was scared and didn't know how to feel about the decision. He felt vulnerable and helpless when Justin was sick because there was nothing he could do but provide comfort, and even now, the smallest comfort in one another didn't seem enough.
As he looked out at the Pittsburgh skyline and twirled the ring on his left hand memories of the past year came flooding back to him. He remembered the first time they had found out that Justin had cancer. He remembered the treatments and remission then relapse and transplant. The happy and sad times of the past year especially the night they were engaged and the night they got married. Justin was his entire world and he felt like his world was collapsing as Justin got weaker and sicker from fighting the disease. He shivered at the thought of losing Justin.
"Brian, what's wrong," Justin asked walking up behind him and wrapping him in his arms. Brian leaned back into his embrace feeling the warmth of their skin on skin contact.
"Nothing," he lied knowing that Justin knew when he was the most vulnerable by just looking at him.
"I know you're worried about me, but I'm going to be okay."
"Jus, baby, how do you know that? Even the doctor doesn't know."
"Because no matter the outcome health wise I am happiest with you, now please come back to bed." Justin said spinning Brian around and kissing him deeply, "I want you to be close to me," he whispered.
"Are you sure, you've been sick most of the night," Brian asked his voice cracking with emotion.
"Yeah, I'm sure, but lets take it slow" Justin said taking Brian's hands and grabbing the candles as he went. Brian knew exactly what he meant by taking it slow and put on some soft music intending to let their love melt away all the fears.
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Chapter 14
Don't pretend you're sorry
I know you're not
You know you got the power
To make me weak inside
And boy you leave me breathless
But it's ok
Cuz you are my survival
Now hear me say I can't imagine
Life without your love
And even forever
Don't seem like long enough
Brian smoothed his hands slowly along Justin's sides and kissed him deeply and passionately. He kissed him slowly allowing their breathing to be synchronized and slow. Brian worshipped his body and moved slowly kissing every inch of skin. Justin kissed Brian deeply allowing their tongues to linger softly on one another's lips. He wanted nothing more than to be close to his husband just to show him how much he was loved and appreciated and to show him that everything was going to be okay with him.
Cuz every time I breathe I take you in
And my heart beats again
Baby I can't help it
You keep me drowning in your love
And every time I try to rise above
I'm swept away by love
Baby I can't help it
You keep me drowning in your love.
Their breathing was synchronized as they kissed one another's bodies. Justin kissed Brian's inner thigh causing tingles to run up and down his body and as his whole body shivered, Justin pulled him close smashing their lips in another passionate lip lock. They savored the oral sex and the skin on skin contact as their bodies were heated with passion.
Maybe I'm a drifter
Maybe not
Cuz I have known the safety
Of floating freely in your arms
I don't need another life line
It's not for me
Cuz only you can save me
Oh, can't you see I can't imagine
Life without your love
And even forever
Don't seem like long enough
Brian nuzzled his nose into Justin's neck kissing his neck softly and tenderly as he entered him. He allowed his senses to overtake him and as he breathed in the sweet scent of his husband, he was carried away by passion. Justin moaned softly at the intrusion breathing deeply and as he leaned up to meet Brian's gentle thrusting he kissed his husband deeply allowing the love making to carry him away and decided to face the next wave of treatment one step at a time.
Cuz every time I breathe I take you in
And my heart beats again
Baby I can't help it
You keep me drowning in your love
And every time I try to rise above
I'm swept away by love
Baby I can't help it
You keep me drowning in your love.
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Chapter 15
Justin awoke the next morning and untangled himself from Brian's grasp. He felt a little light headed and nauseas but was determined to try to shake it off. He went and put on some coffee and then stumbled to the shower. He really did feel like death warmed over and he knew that it was only going to get worse.
Brian awoke to the smell of coffee making and heard the shower running. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes and went to the bathroom. He slid the shower door open and wrapped his arms around Justin.
"How do you feel," Brian whispered as Justin leaned into his embrace.
"Weak and a little nauseas but better than yesterday, when do I have to go to treatment?"
"At noon, and its ten now which gives us two hours."
"Hmm, I like how my husband thinks," Justin said turning around and kissing him deeply.
After finishing their shower and getting dressed, Brian ordered a light breakfast from room service as Justin dozed on the couch. He had been more and more tired as the heavy treatments continued, but Dr. Shaffer had said it was going to be a normal process and not to worry. Once breakfast arrived, they ate in silence then walked over to the clinic.
"Hi Justin and Brian," Tammy one of the young nurses said as they walked into the room.
"Hi Tammy, how's April," Justin asked referring to the young nurses partner as he climbed into the reclining chair and pulled his sweater down at his neckline to expose the tubing that was there to hook the IV into.
"She's good, and if I didn't know better I would think the two of you got it on," she giggled as she hooked the IV line up and Justin blushed brightly.
"Well even though I'm sick we still have needs," he smiled back and gripped Brian's hand tightly then closed his eyes to relax as the life saving chemicals entered his bloodstream.
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Chapter 16
"Hey Tammy," Brian got up and walked over to the young nurse Justin had fallen asleep during his treatment and Brian wanted to do something special for him, "Was the treatment he got today one of the really strong ones or one of the milder combinations?"
"One of the stronger of the combinations, but it's the one that has been making him really tired and not the one that has been making him really sick so he's probably just going to be really weak and tired and not want to do much."
"Okay, thanks," Brian replied tiredly.
"Yeah his IV is empty whenever you want to wake him. Is there anything I can do for you," Tammy replied seeing the tired lines on Brian's face and the worry in his eyes.
"No, sometimes I just feel like he's going through all of this chemical torture for nothing, how would you feel if April was doing this to stay with you."
"I would just sit and support her just like you do with him, and I know what you are going through, when April and I met we met here and she was one of the patients, but she wasn't under my direct care. We became friends and after she went into remission we hung out and then both realized how much we cared for each other."
"Wow, Tammy I never knew that."
"Yeah, you are the best treatment that Justin could have. Your love for him is what is going to keep him fighting no matter what. I have seen many sick people come in and out of here, and the ones with the strongest support systems are the ones that want to fight harder, and are normally the ones that do fight and survive."
"Thanks, Tammy I needed to hear that sometimes it's so hard and I feel like I'm the only one that is going through all the shit, and it's just beginning to bring me down."
"It's okay anytime," the young woman replied smiling back at Brian as he leaned over and woke Justin. She just hoped that the young man survived because she knew in her heart that Brian would never be complete without Justin.
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Chapter 17
"Jus, baby are you hungry," Brian whispering rousing Justin from his sleep. He had been sleeping since the treatment, it was now close to dinner, and Brian knew he needed to eat.
"Hmm," Justin stirred meeting Brian's concerned gaze, "can you make some soup. I actually feel like I can eat some of that."
"Yeah, chicken noodle coming up," Brian whispered kissing him on the cheek and walked back out to the kitchenette. He popped open a can of microwave chicken noodle and heated it up then carried it into the bedroom in a mug for Justin, "I know its just Campbell's instant but at least its something."
"Yeah, what time is the appointment with Dr. Shaffer tomorrow?"
"It's at noon so I set the alarm for ten which will give us time to shower and eat a light breakfast."
"Okay, I can't eat anymore I'm feeling light headed and nauseas, but I do think I can watch a movie and curl up with my husband," Justin smiled at Brian.
"Hmm, I have just the pick," Brian smiled as he pulled out the DVD to The Yellow Submarine and popped it in the player. He then proceeded to strip down to his boxers and curl up next to Justin on the bed.
"Brian I love you," Justin whispered as he snuggled closer to Brian.
"Love you too," Brian whispered against his ear as they settled down to watch the movie.
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Chapter 18
"Jus, time to wake up," Brian purred in Justin ear. The alarm had gone off about an hour before and Brian had gotten up, ordered a light breakfast, and started the coffee.
"Mmmm, my stomach hurts," Justin whispered as he rolled over to face Brian he was dizzy and extremely nauseas. Brian could tell from looking at him that he wasn't going to be able to eat anything and keep it down much less shower on his own so he helped him stand up and guided him to the bathroom and into the shower.
Once they were done showering and dressing, Brian helped Justin into the kitchen and handed him some dry toast with a sprite, "Baby try and eat this before we go see Dr. Shaffer."
"Okay," Justin said weakly as he nibbled on the edge of the bread managing to keep his stomach at bay for the time being.
Once they were done eating, they headed over to the clinic for the appointment with Dr. Shaffer. When the walked into his office they sat on the couch and Justin leaned heavily on Brian and tried not to fall asleep.
"Justin, I can see you aren't feeling well today, is there anything I can do to make you feel better," Dr. Shaffer asked.
"A nice shot of anti nausea medication would be really nice," Justin replied weakly.
"Okay, we will get that taken care of with the nurse just as soon as we talk a bit. I wanted to let you and Brian know that there is no sign of cancer in your system so that's why you have been so weak is that the chemicals have done there job. I want to go ahead and proceed with the cross testing on Molly, but you need to be checked into isolation as soon as possible. You are ready to begin transplant number two."
"How soon," Justin asked knowing that he wanted at least 24 hours alone with Brian before having to move into the room.
"I'll give ya'll the normal 24 hours then I want you back here the next day."
"Okay, and Dr. Shaffer thank you," Brian said smiling.
"You're very welcome."
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Chapter 19
Brian slid the loft door open. They had twenty-four hours alone and wanted nothing more than to spend the time being close to one another. Justin smiled when he saw what Brian had done. There was soft music playing and candles were lit everywhere. He had made the entire space look just like it had on their wedding night.
"Hope you like it baby," Brian whispered in his ear as he wrapped his arms around Justin from behind leaning his head on his shoulders.
Baby I've been drifting away
Dreaming all day
Of holding you
Touching you
The only thing I want to do
Is be with you
As close to you
As I can be
"It's beautiful thank you," Justin whispered leaning up to meet Brian's lips with a kiss. The kiss was slow and passionate at first and then became heated. Brian swept Justin off his feet moving up the steps to the bedroom. The bed was covered in rose petals and a small basket of massage oils and shower salts sat on the steps next to the bed.
Let's make love
All night long
Until all our strength is gone
Hold on tight
Just let go
I want to feel you in my soul
Until the sun comes up
Let's make love
"What do you want to do first," Brian asked as he broke the kiss and lay Justin on the bed. He then kissed his way down Justin's neck and shoulders slowly removing his shirt. Justin moaned as Brian's lips and tongue made their way along his skin, and he gasped, "Shower."
Do you know what you do to me
Everything inside of me
Is wanting you
And needing you
I'm so in love with you
Look in my eyes
Let's get lost tonight
In each other
"Okay," Brian said slowly removing Justin's remaining clothing then removed his own clothing and carried Justin into the bathroom. Once they were in the shower they massaged and shampooed one another and kissed every inch of each other's skin. Justin ran his hands slowly along Brian's slick body and gently brushed his cock with his fingertips causing Brian to become hard almost instantaneously. Brian gasped when Justin's mouth engulfed his cock and before long he was shivering with an eye splitting orgasm. They continued the foreplay slowly and passionately under the pounding water, and once the water ran cold they moved out into the bedroom.
Let's make love
All night long
Until all our strength is gone
Hold on tight
Just let go
I want to feel you in my soul
Until the sun comes up
Let's make love
"Jus, close your eyes," Brian whispered as he continued to kiss his husband. He massaged soothing circles all over Justin's pale frame and whispered words of love. He reached into the basket on the side table and grabbed the bottle of vanilla cinnamon massage oil.
Let's make love
All night long
Until all our strength is gone
Hold on tight
Just let go
I want to feel you in my soul
Until the sun comes up
Oh, until the sun comes up
Let's make love
"Hmm," Justin moaned softly as Brian massaged his stiff and tired body allowing the scent of the oil fill the room. Brian kissed him slowly and passionately allowing their tongues to linger and the kiss to remain tender and long lasting. The fires of passion soon took them however and before long, they were making love. Brian was lightly sucking on Justin's skin and Justin was raising his hips to meet Brian's slow long thrusts, and as they came together, they held one another close never wanting to let go for fear of losing that love.
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Chapter 20
"Fuck," Justin hissed in pain barely above a whisper as the needle pierced his back.
"Justin baby stay with me I know it hurts," Brian whispered as he rubbed soothing circles on Justin's thighs. They were once again trapped in that small isolation room with no way to touch except through gloves and masks. Justin shut his eyes tightly willing the pain in his back to go away. He hated spinal taps they always gave him the worst headache, and the last time he had had one he had been nauseas for hours. He just kept thinking about the events of the previous evening.
"Okay Justin we're all done. You are probably going to have a headache for awhile so it's best not to stand up for the next hour or so," his isolation nurse Kelly instructed as she gave him some pain meds through the tubing in his chest, "and this should help you sleep."
"Okay thanks," both men said in unison as she stepped out of the room.
"Bri," Justin said barely above a whisper, "will you rub my head?"
"Sure baby," Brian replied as he sat on the bed next to Justin and massaged his forehead and temples.
"Last night was wonderful," Justin said slurred with impending sleep.
"Yeah, shhh baby rest now," Brian whispered.
Later that evening the gang showed up to follow the same visitation schedule that they had had last transplant. Michael came in to Justin's room and found Brian fast asleep in the chair holding Justin's hand.
"Brian, go rest," Michael whispered.
"Okay," Brian mumbled as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes, "and Mikey if he wakes up please come get me."
As Brian walked out of the room Michael grasped Justin's hand and whispered, "Justin I know you and I never got along at first, but you have made Brian a much better person. He loves you, and I know you love him, so no matter what please fight for him and fight for your life."
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Chapter 21
"Brian," Justin whispered softly.
"Justin, are you okay," Michael asked.
"I have a headache and I'm nauseas, where's Brian?"
"He went to the family room to sleep, and told me to go get him if you woke up," Michael said as he got up to leave the room.
"Thanks," Justin said as Michael went to get Brian.
As Justin waited for his husband, his thoughts drifted off to the happier times of the marriage. He fingered his wedding ring on the chain around his neck. He wished that he could still wear it on his finger but he had lost so much weight that it kept sliding off but he didn't want to have it sized because once he was well again he would gain the weight back. He wished that he was healthy and was extremely worried about Brian's well being. He didn't want to lose Brian, but most importantly he didn't want Brian to lose him to the cancer.
"Hey baby," Brian said as he walked through the door, Justin could still see the smile in his eyes even though he couldn't see his mouth because of the isolation mask.
"My head really hurts," Justin whispered.
"Shh baby it's okay, I'll get Kelly to give you some Advil."
"Yeah…" his voice trailed off as he began to cough hoarsely. Brian grabbed the basin on the side of the bed and held it under Justin's chin as he began to vomit.
"Better now," Brian asked as he wiped Justin's forehead with a damp cloth.
"Yeah, I totally wasn't expecting that," Justin whispered for fear that if he spoke above a whisper he would begin vomiting again.
"It's okay, migraines will do that," Brian whispered as he rubbed circles on Justin's temples.
"Yeah, Bri, I love you."
"I love you to baby," Brian whispered kissing Justin on the forehead through the surgical mask, and as he watched his husband's eyes flutter shut he prayed that the second transplant was successful.
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Chapter 22
"Sunshine," Debbie whispered as she walked into his room.
"Hey," Justin said flashing his sunshine smile, "I'm so glad to see you I needed to ask you something."
"What's that baby?"
"How's Brian really doing, I know he is desperately trying to put up a brave front for my benefit and I can tell that he's about to fall apart."
"Yeah he is actually really tired. He sleeps when you do and it's like prying nails out of plywood to get him to leave your side long enough to sleep in a bed. He loves you and is scared of losing you."
"Yeah, I'm scared of him losing me," Justin whispered his breathing ragged with emotion.
"You're strong baby, its going to be okay."
"I hope, and Deb thanks for listening."
"No problem, I'll go get Brian now."
"Thanks."
"Brian," Debbie whispered as she walked into the family room to get Brian and her voice caught in her throat when she saw the man sitting in a ball on the couch his body wracked with sobs. She walked up to him and gently placed her arm around his shoulders, "Brian."
"Why again," Brian asked between gasps for air, "How did you do it Deb?"
She knew exactly what he was asking and just replied, "One day at a time."
"It's just so hard, he's so sick and there is nothing I can do. I feel so helpless, and I never thought anyone could make me feel that way. I love him so much."
"You've already done everything he needs. You have supported him and no matter what you have always loved him. He and I talked before I cam in here and he is worried about you and afraid to leave you. He is just as scared as you and its slowly eating away at him."
"Yeah, I know and that's what scares me."
"Brian, you just have to hold him and listen and if you need to be weak lean on him he will appreciate it so much more."
"Yeah Deb I never thought I would have to do that but thanks."
"You're welcome, now go see him," she smiled and as Brian went to hold his husband close Deb just prayed that the couple would survive this.
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Chapter 23
The days slowly slipped by like fluid. Justin continued to go through the heavy doses of immunosuppressant therapy. He was once again weak and frail, and he had lost so much weight that his features were sunk in, and his skin was so pale that his eyes looked gray instead of blue.
Brian sat by and watched as the chemicals entered Justin's bloodstream. He watched in emotional agony, as Justin was so sick he could barely keep his eyes open but other days he was so antsy that he could barely sit still. The treatments were taking their toll on both men in two completely different ways.
"Bri, come here," Justin whispered to Brian as he stood at the window looking out into the city, "What's bothering you?"
"Nothing," Brian choked out as he was suddenly over come with emotion and felt his eyes start to fill with tears. Justin didn't even say anything as he saw the pain filled expression on his husband's face. He pulled him into a hug and held him close as the tears they had both been holding back for days finally flowed freely. Once the tears subsided both men continued to hold each other grasping for the hope that tomorrow would only bring a brighter happier future.
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Chapter 24
"Are we better now," Justin whispered as he reached up and wiped the tears from Brian's eyes.
"Yeah," Brian whispered brushing the tears from Justin's eyes. He gazed deeply into them feeling their souls connect without any form of intimate contact. He felt open and vulnerable but knew that it was the best thing for him at that moment, "I love you so much."
"I love you too," Justin whispered against his ear as he pulled him close once more.
The next few days went by rather quickly. Both men struggled to maintain their intimacy but managed to remain open and vulnerable. The shared their fears and hopes for the future and Justin continued to go through the first phase of the transplant. He had been hospitalized for almost two weeks when the test results came back and Dr. Shaffer walked into the room.
"Brian and Justin, how are ya'll holding up."
"It would be better if we could kiss," Brian said half-joking and half-serious.
"Yeah but the risk of infection is incredibly high considering Justin immune system is completely knocked out and tomorrow starts phase two. Molly has the aspiration done at 10 am and by noon the transplant should begin."
"Thanks," Brian whispered, and as Dr. Shaffer walked out of the room, he immediately collapsed next to Justin and held him tight knowing that tomorrow was going to be the beginning of an unseen future.
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Chapter 25
Brian watched the red bone marrow drip slowly into Justin's veins. It had been two hours since Kelly had come in bringing the bone marrow and the infusion was only half way complete. He gently brushed his hand against Justin's forehead. He had been sleeping for most of the morning and had woken up long enough to go to the bathroom and take a shower before Molly was done with surgery, and as soon as the transplant was begun, he was asleep once again.
"Bri," Justin whispered between chattering teeth.
"Hey are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm just a little cold."
"Jus, baby your freezing," Brian said as he grabbed another sterile blanket from the closet and wrapped it around his husband.
"I'm so tired, I just needed to know if you were still here."
"Yeah, go back to sleep," Brian whispered sitting down next to him, "I love you."
"Love you too," Justin whispered as his eyes fluttered shut as sleep overcame him once more.
Once Justin was asleep once more, Brian continued to sit there and admire his husband's frail body. No matter what Justin went through Brian would always think he was beautiful. He had lost so much weight in the course of the treatment that he was unable to maintain his body heat. He continued to shiver in his sleep so Brian pulled another blanket out and wrapped it around him. The long journey was really beginning to take its toll on his body and it had Brian extremely worried. He knew that this was their last hope and as he watched Justin sleep, he continued to hope and pray that the transplant was successful in saving his baby's life.
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Chapter 26
"Daddy," Gus squealed running towards Brian and jumping into his arms.
"Hey sonny boy," Brian said hugging his son tightly, "Shh, though okay. You'll wake up Papa."
"Okay Daddy, and shh Mommy Papa's sleeping," he whispered to Lindsay when she walked up behind him and Brian.
Lindsay smiled at her son, "how's Justin doing Brian?"
"He's really weak and tired Jennifer's in with him now."
"Well we weren't going to stay very long. Gus bought Justin a present for Christmas, and he wanted to bring it to the hospital. Do you think its okay for him to go in for a few minutes?"
"Yeah, Justin would be really happy to see him. Gus you have to be really quiet and when Papa gets tired we have to go back outside okay."
"Okay, Daddy," Gus whispered and took his father's hand and walked into the small room. Brian helped Gus put on the gloves and mask then wrapped him the smallest gown he could find. He then dressed out himself, picked Gus up, and walked on into Justin's room.
"Hey, baby Santa told me that you needed to see a little elf," Brian said as he sat Gus down on the floor and hugged Jennifer as she excused herself.
"Hey Papa, do you feel any better," Gus whispered as he walked up to Justin's bed.
"Hey big boy, yeah, now that you're here," Justin whispered reaching out and motioning for Gus to come sit on the bed next to him, "you know that big bug I was telling you they squished well he's back but I'm feeling a little better now."
"Well Papa, I brought you a present," Gus whispered as he reached his little hand into his pocket and pulled out a little tissue wrapped package, "I wrapped it myself."
"Thank you," Justin said fumbling with the paper and ribbon until the package was unwrapped unveiling a charm of silver sneakers. Justin and Brian both looked at it confused for a moment when Gus explained like only a 6 year old could.
"You use shoes to step on bugs, and since the bug is inside you I thought that you could wear the shoes to scare him off."
"Thanks, Gus that is so sweet," Justin said the tears shining in his eyes as he wrapped the little boy in a hug, "Brian can you help me put it on the chain with my rings?"
"Sure baby," Brian said as he undid the clasp and slipped the sneakers on the chain, "Are you tired?"
"Yeah, I need some more medicine too."
"Okay, time to go Gus, Papa needs to rest."
"Bye Papa, I love you," Gus said giving Justin one more hug then he hopped off the bed to follow Brian out of the room.
Once both of them were gone Justin looked down at the sneakers around his neck along with the rings that Brian had given him at their wedding and engagement and said a prayer for God or whoever was listening to let him continue to fight for his life.
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Chapter 27
Two weeks after Gus' visit, Justin was much stronger. Dr. Shaffer ran some tests, and decided that he was well enough to leave isolation and be moved to a separate part of the hospital for more observations. He and Brian could not have been more thrilled. It was a bright outlook on the future. The bone marrow had engrafted, but Justin would once again have to continue taking the immunosuppressant drugs along with oral antibiotics.
Brian had arrangements made with one of the nurses to give Justin a private room, and when they arrived in the room, there was a note on the table sitting next to a bottle of champagne that read.
Congratulations Justin and Brian!
Love,
The Gang
The men toasted the transplant in silence, then proceeded to kiss one another deeply. When they broke the kiss, Brian pulled an envelope from the side table and handed it to Justin, "I thought you might like this. It's been a difficult couple of months and when I saw this I thought you would like it."
"Thanks babe," Justin said tearing the envelope open and opening the card to find a poem inside that read.
Like the sound of silence calling,
I hear your voice and suddenly
I'm falling, lost in a dream.
Like the echoes of our souls are meeting,
You say those words and my heart stops beating.
I wonder what it means.
What could it be that comes over me?
At times I can't move.
At times I can hardly breath.
When you say you love me,
The world goes still, so still and silent.
When you say you love me,
For a moment, there's no one else alive.
You're the one I've always thought of.
I don't know how, but I feel sheltered in your love.
You're where I belong.
And when you're with me if I close my eyes,
There are times I swear I feel like I can fly
For a moment in time.
Somewhere between the Heavens and Earth,
And frozen in time, Oh when you say those words.
When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still and silent.
When you say you love me
For a moment there's no one else alive.
And this journey that we're on.
How far we've come and I celebrate every moment.
And when you say you love me,
That's all you have to say.
I'll always feel this way.
When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still and silent.
When you say you love me
In that moment I know why I'm alive.
When you say you love me.
When you say you love me.
Do you know how I love you?
"Yes Brian," Justin whispered, "You are my soul. I love you."
"I love you too," Brian whispered as he embraced his husband's lips with another passionate kiss.
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Chapter 28
Justin continued to recover in the cancer ward at the hospital. He was still weak and tired most of the time, but his blood work was improving and the dosage of the antibiotics had been lowered to where he was regaining more of his strength back.
"Justin, how are you feeling today," Dr. Shaffer asked when he walked in carrying the clipboard with all of Justin's medical charts.
"A lot better, but what do your papers say," Justin asked as he turned around from the window he was looking out.
"Well where is Brian I'm sure he would like to be here when I tell you that I'm kicking you out and you can go home," Dr. Shaffer said with a big smile.
"What did I miss," Brian said as he walked into Justin's room carrying two cups of coffee.
"Oh nothing much," Justin whispered flashing his sunshine smile, "I get to go home."
Brian immediately picked him up and spun him around and then sat him back down, "what all do we have to do," Brian asked.
"Just make sure that you take your drugs everyday and no crowds. You're a lot stronger than you were the last time you went home after your transplant, but still take it easy and I don't want you both to try and run away for a vacation just yet, and Justin don't over exert yourself to much," Dr. Shaffer smirked.
"Yes sir," both men replied grinning at one another devilishly, knowing that going home was going to be vacation enough and that exertion wasn't really going to be that much of a problem.
"So, if I can get a signature on all this paperwork you are free to get out."
"Thanks again."
Later that afternoon once they were all checked out of the hospital, Justin was taking a nap, and Brian was packing all their things from the last few months of hospital and hotel stays. Once Brian was done moving all the stuff he awoke Justin long enough for him to go to the car. Once they were in the car Brian looked over and couldn't help but smile at his sleeping husband. He was still pale and needed to gain a lot of weight back from the treatment, but he was cancer free. Cancer free, Justin had beaten the odds for a second time in a row, and now as a celebration, they could go home and enjoy their love of one another.
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