It's All Your Fault
It would be an understatement to say that Brian was less than a model patient. Rest was something he wasn’t familiar with. His hospital stay was extending into its eighth day, as doctors struggled to get his blood pressure under control. Brian wasn’t helping. He was constantly on the phone with clients, sneaking downstairs for a smoke, and refusing his medication.
“It’s time for your meds Brian.” the nurse said.
“Leave it. I’ll take it.” Brian lied. She looked at Justin.
Justin had been a constant at Brian’s side, leaving him only long enough to work, shower, and change. Brian insisted that he was fine, and complained that everyone was fussing too much over him. However it was glaringly apparent to friends, and staff alike, that the only time Brian was truly at ease was when Justin gathered him in his arms, and held him there.
“Give it to me.” Justin said. The nurse handed Justin the cup of pills, and shook her head at Brian. He in turn snaked his tongue back at her.
“Keep fucking with me, and I’ll give your ass a barium enema.” she smiled.
“Promises, promises.” Brian smiled back.
They watched as she left the room. “Stop flirting with the nurses.” Justin said.
“She’s not my type.” Brian purred. He tilted his head back for a kiss.
“Why won’t you take your pills Brian?”
“I take some of them.”
“The doctor says you need to take all of them, not just your blood thinners. You need to take your blood pressure pills.”
“I don’t need pills to control my blood pressure. I can do that with diet, exercise, and lifestyle changes.” Brian said as a matter of fact.
“Take your pills.” Justin ordered.
“No.” Brian peeled Justin’s arms from across his chest, and got out of bed. He stood by the window, and looked out. “This is bullshit. I’m going home today, if I have to sign myself out.”
“That won’t be necessary.” Dr. Savanna said, as he entered the room. “I just discharged you. I’m sending you home with Justin, maybe he can do something with you.”
“Yeah, he’ll kill me for sure.”
“Brian.” Justin frowned.
The doctor shook his head and laughed. “How do you put up with him?”
“I’m a gluten for punishment.” Justin said as he climbed out of bed. “What about his blood pressure?”
“It’s not what we want it to be, but it’s better. It’s still too high for my taste, but at least it’s not fluctuating like before. Justin, I need to talk to Brian for a few minutes.”
“Baby, go call Michael for me. Tell him that I’ve been sprung, and I need a ride home.”
Justin left the room, and the doctor turned to Brian. “Why won’t you take your blood pressure medication Brian?” Dr. Savanna asked.
“I don’t need it. I’ll be fine.”
“If we don’t get your blood pressure under control, you could be facing another heart attack, this time a major one. We may not be so lucky next time. We’re talking bypass surgery, permanent damage, and god forbid, possible death.”
Brian turned to look out of the window again. “Doc, I need to ask you something.”
“What?”
“What about sex?”
“Is that why you won’t take your blood pressure pills?” Dr. Savanna asked. “The impotence side affect doesn’t affect everyone Brian.”
“I’ve got a young lover doc.”
“I understand that.” Dr. Savanna said. “If you start having trouble there’s several things that we can do. We can adjust the dosage, or change the medication. There’s several relaxation techniques you could try. If worst comes to worst, we can give you an implant.”
Brian looked at his doctor, and frowned.
“An implant is always the last resort Brian.” Dr. Savanna assured him.
“Let’s forget about the implants for a few minutes, what about my heart?” Brian asked.
“You should be fine.”
“Should be? What do you mean by should be?”
“I wouldn’t go to any orgies anytime soon, but there’s nothing wrong with kissing, touching, holding each other. Most people wait until after their first follow up visit, but that’s not a rule. My best advice to you is to listen to your body. If you begin to feel short of breath, or start experiencing chest pains, stop. If it’ll make you feel better, I can prescribe some nitroglycerine pills for emergencies.”
“Thanks.” Brian said sarcastically.
“I’m sure you won’t need them. I know it happens, but I’ve never known a thirty year old man who actually fucked himself to death.”
“I may be your first doc, you don’t know Justin.”
Dr. Savanna laughed. “I wish I did. Maybe I can get him to talk to my wife.” Brian wasn’t laughing. “I’m sorry.” Dr. Savanna said. “Do you want me to talk to Justin?”
“No, that won’t be necessary.”
“And your pills?”
“I promise I’ll take them.”
“I want to see you in my office next Tuesday, with a lower blood pressure. Understood?” Dr. Savanna said as he handed Brian his prescriptions.
“Understood.”
“Good. We’ll also talk about some lifestyle changes. Relax Brian.” Dr. Savanna smiled. “You’re going to be fine.”
Justin reluctantly dialed Michael’s cell phone number. They hadn’t spoken privately since the incident at the diner. It was still a mystery how Brian knew that Justin had been with Massey on the night of Brian’s surgery. No one saw them enter the hospital, and Tony had discreetly chosen to remain out of Brian’s sight. Still, somehow Brian knew. He had mentioned Massey’s name while stroking Justin’s hair. Brian told his baby that he loved him, even more than Anthony Massey.
Michael may have been the catalyst, but Justin couldn’t blame him for what happened with Tony. Justin tried to tell himself that it was the alcohol, but he knew it wasn’t. As much as he hated to admit it, Justin was attracted to the older man. Who wouldn’t be. Anthony Massey was a gay boy’s dream. Tony was wealthy, handsome, sophisticated, and a remarkable lover. Until now, Brian had been Justin’s measuring stick for fucking, not that he had a lot of lovers to compare. Brian had taught him that a trick here and there didn’t count, but Massey was no ordinary trick. The older man had spent time with Justin, listening and talking to him, he had comforted the teen, even held him as he cried. Justin felt close to Tony in a way he’d only felt about one other man. Brian.
“Hello Michael.” Justin said.
“Hey boy wonder.”
“The doctor just released Brian. He wanted me to call you. He needs a ride home.”
“Justin, I’m sorry about what I said at the diner. I was out of line.” Michael said.
“What time will you be here?” Justin asked, conveniently dismissing Michael’s apology.
“Tell him I’m on my way.”
Brian slid the familiar steel door open, and entered with outstretched arms. “Loft, sweet loft!” he exclaimed as he twirled in the center of the room.
Justin followed, carrying Brian’s overnighter. “Sit down before you get dizzy.” he warned.
Brian headed straight for the bar, and poured himself a double bourbon. “Ahhh, nectar of the gods.” he sighed as he downed the brown liquid.
Justin walked up behind his lover, and slipped his arms around Brian’s waist. “I’ve got your nectar right here.” he said.
Brian gently pulled away. “Are you hungry? I could order out” he said.
Justin tried again, this time taking a frontal approach. “We can eat later.” he said, slipping his hands underneath Brian’s shirt.
“Not now baby. Michael’s parking the car. He’ll be up here any minute.” Brian poured a second bourbon, and headed for the bedroom.
Justin followed. He watched as Brian took his pills, and chased them with a swallow of his drink. “You shouldn’t take those with alcohol.” Justin said.
“You wanted me to take my pills, and I took them.” Brian snapped. He began to unpack. Justin attempted to help him. “I can do this myself.” Brian snapped again.
Michael returned. “Do you need anything else?” he asked.
“Yeah. Would you drop Justin off at home for me?”
Michael and Justin looked at each other. “Sure. I can drop him off.” Michael said.
“I don’t want to go home.”
Brian walked over to Justin, and cupped his baby’s face. “I need to be alone for a while.” he said.
“Brian, are you ok?” Michael asked.
“Don’t make such a big deal over everything. I’ve been cooped up in a hospital for the past eight days. I just want some time to myself, that’s all. I’m fine. Honest.” Brian said.
Michael and Justin stood at the entrance of Brian’s building. “The car is this way.” Michael said pointing.
“Thanks, I think I’ll walk.” Justin said.
Michael attempted to apologize again. “Justin, I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking. I shouldn’t have said what I said.”
“Did you say anything to Brian?”
“No. He doesn’t know anything about our conversation.”
“I don’t want him to know. I don’t want him upset Michael.”
“It’s funny you’re so concerned about Brian’s feelings now, where were you when he was calling for you in the hospital last Monday night?” Michael smirked.
“That’s between Brian, and me.” Justin said. “Michael I know Brian loves you, but you have to understand that he loves me too. Don’t force him to choose between the two of us, because if you do, you will loose.”
“You’re real sure of yourself. aren’t you?” Michael chuckled.
“I’m sure of us.” Justin said.
“Us? Brian doesn’t do “us” little boy. The only reason you’re still around is because Brian’s feeling a little vulnerable right now. As soon as he’s better, Brian will be back to his old tricks, or should I say new tricks. You’re worried about Brian, you’d better worry about yourself.”
Justin watched as Michael walked toward the car.
Brian finished unpacking, and changed into his robe. It felt good to be away from the antiseptic environment of the hospital, and he looked forward to sleeping on some soft sheets for a change. The ones at the hospital felt like sandpaper. He opened his bag of prescriptions, and went over the instructions on each container, before finding them a spot in the medicine cabinet. As he closed the cabinet door, Brian caught his reflection in the mirror. He began to addressed himself out loud. “I guess you’re satisfied now.” he said. “The drinking, the drugs, the partying, they’ve finally caught up with you. Look at you, you’re an old man with a cabinet full of pills, and a young lover that you can’t keep up with.” The words Joan Kinney had said to her son in the hospital suddenly came crashing back. “It’s all your fault. You brought this on yourself.” Brian couldn’t help but wonder if she knew how much those words had hurt him, not only then, but throughout his life.
Brian recalled the first time he remembered hearing them. He was seven, and it was the fourth of July. The family was gathered for a barbeque. As usual Jack was drunk, and engaged in his backyard card game, while an equally tipsy Joan entertained the wives in the kitchen. Since Brian was four years old, Jack’s older brother Frank had taken advantage of family holidays by sneaking up to Brian’s room, and forcing the boy to perform oral sex on him. “If you tell, no one will believe you.” he’d always tell the frightened child. This time Brian did tell, and was beaten severely for lying on his uncle Frank. Jack’s last words, before he left Brian’s room were “ Shut up, or I’ll put the strap to you again. It’s all your fault. You brought this on yourself, you little liar.”
Brian was twelve when he heard those words again. He had a terrible crush on the sixteen year old jock next door. One afternoon, at the teens coaxing, Brian followed him into his father’s garage, where they jerked each other off, and Brian blew him. By the next day it was all around the neighborhood. Brian Kinney was a little sissy, who liked to suck dick. Brian’s classmates teased him mercilessly, sending the boy home battered from fighting, and in tears almost every day. “It’s all your fault, you little fairy. You brought it on yourself.” Jack growled. The embarrassment proved to be too much for Jack, and Joan. Jack sold the house, and moved the family across town.
Then there was Kevin McLaurin, Brian’s very married, and very gay, PE instructor. Brian was convinced that they were in love. There wasn’t anything the fourteen year old wouldn’t do to prove his love for Kevin, including allowing himself to be the evening’s entertainment for a group of Kevin’s friends, at his frequent secret parties. They carried on their affair throughout Brian’s high school years. Then one day Kevin shattered the teens heart by telling him that he had accepted a coaching position, and was moving to Chicago with his pregnant wife. Brian cried for days, as Michael tried his best to console his devastated friend. “It’s your own fault.” Michael said as he cradled Brian in his arms. “You knew he was married. You brought this on yourself.”
Brian’s life was flashing before him, replacing his reflection in the mirror. He hadn’t been prepared for the quick screening, or the flood of hurt that came along with it. He quickly turned away, stunned and trembling as if he had just witnessed some horrible atrocity. Indeed he had. Just like the years of booze, drugs, smoking, and partying had caught up with him, years of painful, memories were closing in on him as well. Brian exited the bathroom, and headed for his bedside table. He fumbled through his vast assortment of recreational drugs. He needed something strong, something reliable, something quick to take away the pain, to hold back the memories. Suddenly the door buzzer rang. “Justin.”
Brian slid the loft door open without inquiry. “How did you know it was me?” Justin smiled.
“Who else would it be? You were suppose to go home with Michael. I can’t get rid of you.” Brian said.
The teen pretended that he didn’t see the reddened eyes, or hear the trembling in Brian’s voice. He circled his arms around Brian’s waist, and hugged him tightly. “It’s your own fault.” Justin whispered. “You brought this on yourself.”
“Open up sweetie. The welcome wagon’s here!” Emmett called.
Brian pressed the buzzer, allowing his friends entrance. “Some welcome wagon, I’ve been home for a week.” he said, as he slid the loft door open.
The trio of Emmett, Michael, and Ted filed past. Emmett and Ted paused. They looked at Brian, then at each other in surprise. “You look marvelous.” Emmett said.
“You do Brian, you look great.” Ted seconded.
Brian smiled. “Thanks guys. Where the fuck have you been?”
“We wanted to give you some time to relax.” Emmett said.
“Rest is very important after a heart attack.” Ted added.
“If I was any more relaxed, I’d be dead.” Brian said as he padded off to the living room.
“Everybody’s asking about you. We came to see if you felt like going out.” Michael said. “We’re going to hang out at “Woody’s” for a while, then hit “Babylon” later on tonight.”
“You can bring your nurse if you like.” Emmett said.
“Speaking of nurse, where’s Justin?” Ted asked.
Brian checked his watch. “He should be home any minute now. He worked the dinner rush with Deb.”
“Let’s find you something to wear, something befitting a returning queen.” Michael said as he headed off to the bedroom.
“What’s this?” Ted asked.
“That’s Ali. He’s a beta, otherwise known as a fighting fish.” Brian said as he walked over to the small aquarium on his desk. “Justin gave him to me. He ’s suppose to be very soothing to watch.” Brian lightly tapped the glass, and watched as Ali glided through the bubbles.
Emmett pointed to a wooden hanging that cascaded from the arch of Brian’s bedroom doorway. “Wind chimes?”
“Yeah. It goes with the ocean sound machine Justin brought me. Between that, and the rock fountain in the bedroom, If you close your eyes, you’ll think you’re on the beach in Tahiti.” Brian smiled. “Justin says I should surround myself with things that are calming. He thinks it’ll help lower my blood pressure.”
“I thought that had been taken care of while you were in the hospital. How high is it?” Ted asked.
“Let’s just say I’m a walking stroke.” Brian said.
“Don’t joke about that that Brian. Hypertension is nothing to play around with. I had an uncle who died of high blood pressure. He was only fifty.” Emmett said.
Michael fingered through the various labels of designer garments. He selected a black silk shirt, and black jeans, then headed back to the others . “Put these on, and let’s go.” he said, tossing the outfit to Brian. “You’ve got your work cut out for you. The tricks are forming a line as we speak.” he grinned.
“I don’t think so Michael. I’m turning in early tonight. I’ve got a doctor’s appointment in the morning. Dr. Savanna’s going to stick me back in the hospital if my blood pressure hasn’t gone down.”
“What are you taking for it?” Ted asked.
“Everything. My medicine cabinet looks like a pharmacy.”
“Maybe we should take a rain check.” Ted said.
Emmett nodded in agreement. “Yeah honey. We’ll get out of here so you can rest.”
“Why didn’t you tell me about your blood pressure?” Michael asked.
“You already have Ben to worry about, you shouldn’t have to worry about me too.” Brian gave his friend a kiss. “I’m fine, honest. My live-in nurse is taking excellent care of me.”
“I’ll bet he is.” Emmett grinned.
Justin snuggled closer, and kissed the back of Brian’s neck. “I’m going to miss just laying here, holding you like this.” he said.
Brian leaned even farther into Justin‘s arms. “I’d almost believe you, if you didn’t have that boner poking me in my back.” he smiled.
“That’s just a tactile reflex.” Justin grinned. “You have to admit, I‘ve been a perfect gentleman.” The teen slowly stroked the length of his Brian’s torso.
Brian caught the roving hand, and moved it to his waist. “Bad boy, what am I going to do with you?”
“I’m sure you’ll think of something.” Justin placed another kiss at the nape of Brian’s neck.
“Stop before I spank you.” Brian warned.
Justin rocked his hips, and pressed his stiff cock against Brian’s butt. “Ummmm, yes daddy.” he moaned. Brian closed his eyes as Justin traced his tongue along the top of his spine, and lightly nipped the back if his neck. “Tell your baby what you want.” Justin whispered.
“Justin.”
“Humm?”
“We’d better stop baby.”
“Why, what’s a few hours?” Justin purred.
“I just want to get my all clear from Dr. Savanna.” Brian said.
Justin took note of the seriousness in his lover’s voice. “Brian, you’re not worried are you?” he asked. Brian didn’t answer. “You’re fine.” Justin assured him. “Everything’s going to be fine.”
Brian followed his physician into the treatment room, and closed the door behind him. He removed his jacket, rolled up his sleeve, and nervously watched as Dr. Savanna his took his blood pressure not once, but twice. “Not bad.” the cardiologist said.
“How long do I have doc. Give it to me straight, no pun intended.” Brian said.
Dr. Savanna leaned back in his chair. “We’ve got good news, and we’ve got bad news. Which one do you want first?”
“Give me the bad news.”
“Your heart has some permanent damage.”
“What kind of damage?”
“One of the valves of your heart is too weak to allow sufficient blood flow. This type of condition would have been picked up on a routine EKG, if you had followed my advice, and come in for your regular yearly physicals, but we won’t get into that.” Dr. Savanna scolded his noncompliant patient.
“Yeah, let’s not get into that.” Brian agreed.
The doctor continued. “Our main concern now is that your blood pressure is still too high. We’ve got to get it under control, before it causes more damage to your heart.”
“So what’s the good news doc?”
“The good news is that the type of high blood pressure that you have, secondary hypertension is fairly easy to control. If we can keep your pressure down, and your angioplasty continues to hold up, there’s a good possibility that we can avoid surgery.”
Brian shifted in his seat. “So what’s the plan?” he asked.
“Let me give it to you strait Brian. No pun intended. You’re an active, relatively healthy, white male, under the age of thirty five, with no history of heart disease. There’s no reason for you to have hypertension, or related heart damage. This is all your fault. You brought this on yourself with years of smoking, alcohol, and drug use. Your fast lane lifestyle has finally caught up with you. It’s time to make some changes.”
“What kind of changes? I don’t have to go hetero do I?”
“And give up your hot little Justin? Of course not. While we’re on the subject, how’s your love life?”
“My love life is fine. It’s my sex life that sucks.”
“Why? Are you having trouble getting an erection?”
“No.” Brian chuckled.
“Are you afraid?”
Brian took a nervous breath. “I don’t know.” he said. “I guess I am, a little. It’s not everyday that your heart stops doc. It’s not something that I look forward to experiencing again any time soon.”
“Have you tried?”
“Not really, we’ve been doing a lot of touching, and kissing, no rough stuff.”
Dr. Savanna took out his prescription pad, and began to write. “I’m giving you one more blood pressure medication Brian, and I’m going to decrease the dosage on the one that you’re already taking. I want you to let me know if you begin to experience any of the side effects that I’m listing here, and we’ll adjust the dosage again.” He tore off the prescription, and handed it to Brian. “I want to see you again next Tuesday, to check your blood pressure. We’ll talk about those lifestyle changes then. Right now, I want you to go home and make love to Justin.”
“Is that a order doc?”
“It’s a medical fact that good loving reduces stress, and lowers blood pressure.” Savanna smiled. Brian stood, and adjusted his clothing. He was about to leave when Dr. Savanna called to him. “Oh Brian! You’ve still got the nitro pills that I gave you right?”
Brian rolled his eyes. “Asshole.” he uttered under his breath.