REASONABLE FACSIMILE
Brian
His eyes touched on mine as he entered the diner and stopped by the cash
register, for a moment I had this crazy feeling that he would walk toward me,
rest his hip against the table and lean over for a kiss. I saw it happening in
the split-second it took to raise the cup to my lips, and by the time I
swallowed a sip of coffee, I knew it was an hallucination. I couldn’t stop
staring at him, even though I knew they were all looking at me, waiting for my
reaction; I couldn’t take my eyes off him. Then Deb spoke to him and he turned
and walked off toward the kitchen. Only when he was out of my line of sight
could I look away.
I’d planned to eat lunch in the diner, when your life is totally fucked the best
thing you can do is keep a routine. But my stomach was begging me to heave up
the coffee I’d already drunk, it took all my determination to keep it down. As
soon as Justin disappeared into the back I stood up, pulled out a couple dollars
to drop by the cash register on my way out. I didn’t speak to any of them,
didn’t look at them again, didn’t look at Debbie who said something I didn’t
hear as I walked by her and out the door.
I thought Michael would follow me but he didn’t; once I’d walked to my jeep, got
in and pulled away from the curb, I was able to drive quickly down a side
street, blessedly deserted, so I could stop and open my door, lean out.
Surprisingly I didn't throw up the coffee that was churning in my stomach
begging to be set free. Just a few deep breaths and I was ready to close the
door and drive on. Damned acidic diner coffee probably makes lots of people
sick.
Signing in at the office I noticed that some people in the art department were
working on Saturday too but they were three floors away and wouldn’t bother me.
I didn’t stay long, partly because I had this strange urge to get home, like a
premonition that something was happening there. Of course I don't believe in
that shit, and of course nothing was happening once I pulled back the heavy
metal door and shut it with a bang that reverberated off the walls.
The loft was empty, it had that echoing empty feel it's had since Thursday
night, the first time Justin walked out the door, the first time I knew he’d
never come back. When he returned later that night my heart leaped briefly into
my throat. Till I got a good look at him. He didn’t want to be there. He was
there, but he wasn’t there. I let him get into bed, lifted the covers and
invited him in. Pressed up against his back turned so resolutely against me.
Pressed my nose into his hair, smelling his smell for the very last time.
This morning I’d awakened early, early for a Saturday, early for a morning after
a night of heavy medication. I was groggy with hangover and sucked down a beer
and two bottles of water while I sat on the sofa watching tv. Usually I like to
watch with the sound off but I kept grabbing the remote and turning the sound
louder and louder, I don’t know why. Then someone in the apartment below me
banged on the ceiling and suddenly I realized that the tv was fucking blaring.
A shower, a power shake and a good workout cleared my head, and I was ready to
listen to messages on the answering machine. There weren't any that interested
me, so I spent an hour on the computer, working on a presentation for a new
chain restaurant opening several outlets in Pittsburgh. Vance wants to take on
any company with money to burn, there's no arguing with him that he's dragging
down our professional reputation with his uncontrollable greed for profits.
Naturally thoughts of Justin came into my head from time to time; I knew where
he was and I knew he'd made his choice. Which was a relief. Mostly. I wondered
when he'd come by to collect his clothes and I suspected he'd wait till I wasn’t
home which is exactly what happened. He’s got a Saturday class but maybe he cut
school today, to make time to come over and clear out his stuff.
So I pulled open the door and I heard the echoes, and I knew that he'd been and
gone even before I discovered the empty drawer, the clothes missing from the
closet. A glance in the bathroom showed me one toothbrush alone on the shelf but
my eyes didn't linger there, instead I moved down to Justin's table and saw that
he'd not only taken most of his stuff, but he'd left a sketch of Rage and JT,
almost like a message. No, not a message, nothing so melodramatic as that - just
an oversight. A coincidence. I crumpled the sketch in my hands and tossed it
into the garbage.
Justin
Waking up in Ethan's bed was unexpectedly comfortable. Sunshine streamed in the
window warming me as I stretched and got ready to open my eyes, sweet violin
music had awakened me and I wanted to prepare myself to give Ethan the smile he
deserved. In the end I didn't have to work at it, it came naturally, and I was
amazed to discover how comfortable I felt. Later I realized it was because I
wasn't tense any more. I've been tense for so long that now that it's all over,
my body feels relaxed, almost fluid. Well, it did Saturday morning anyway. And
telling myself that 'it' was all over proved to be the first of many lies I told
today.
Could there be anything more romantic than chocolates and roses for breakfast? I
smiled and licked the chocolate off my fingers, ignoring the growling of my
stomach. I hadn't been eating much the last few days, and what I really wanted
was a huge plate full of bacon and eggs. Quickly I banished mundane thoughts of
food and instead enjoyed sharing kisses with Ethan, before making myself get up
and get dressed, I've got a nine o'clock class on Saturdays. I told him I'd go
by the loft to pick up my stuff, and that's when I started feeling tense again.
Even while telling Ethan it was no big deal if Brian was at home, the muscles
tightening in my neck and back let me know I was lying.
Somehow I never expected Brian to be at the diner when I showed up for my lunch
shift. They were all there, it was a huge test of my will not to turn around and
run screaming out of there, all those faces, all those eyes of Brian's friends
and family staring at me. And he was there too. I knew they were all judging me,
blaming me for being a liar and a cheat, Michael would have wasted no time
filling everyone in on my sins. The tension in my neck moved into my shoulders
and slid down into my feet. I turned my back on them, picked up an apron, but
after that I couldn't move. It was like I was paralyzed to the spot.
Finally Debbie said something to me, I don't even remember what, but her touch
on my arm freed me from paralysis, and I moved into the kitchen, where the cook
greeted me with a wink. I wondered what the wink meant, till I shook my head and
called myself a fool for imagining Tony or anybody else gave a shit about me.
My first job was hauling out the trash, and after dragging the huge bags to the
dumpster, I lifted the lid and started tossing them in. A glance over my
shoulder showed Michael standing by the building, glaring at me.
I've always known that Michael wanted me gone, wanted me out of the picture so
he could have Brian all to himself like he did in the olden days, the days
before I forced my way into their lives. He told me I didn't belong there, that
I should do everyone a favor and disappear. I was mad as hell of course, but in
a way I knew he was right. All I'd ever been was an appendage, somebody hanging
onto Brian's arm, shoving my way into the middle of his family. I'd never really
belonged there and now there was no place for me at all.
The only good thing about seeing Brian at the diner was that I noticed he was
dressed for work. He's been working a lot of extra hours, weekends too, so once
I knew he was headed for the office, I knew it was safe to go to the loft for my
things, which I did right after my shift ended. I knocked but he wasn't there,
so I moved around collecting most of my stuff and shoving it into a duffle bag.
I can get the rest another time or just leave it there. Probably he'll burn it.
I don’t care.
The longer I stayed in the loft, the harder it was to breathe. It was like all
the oxygen had been sucked out, and I found myself hurrying faster and faster to
pack up my stuff. Every time I looked over my shoulder I saw images of Brian and
me making love. No, it was not making love, we were just having sex. If Brian
never loved me, it was only sex. Meaningless sex, sex that had no power to fill
me with regret and sadness, only anger. Anger that kept building and building,
all the while there was less and less air to breathe, and finally I just had to
grab my bags and get the fuck out of there, slamming the door for the very last
time. Outside I waited for the elevator, leaning on the wall and trying to catch
my breath.
After a while I decided to quit the diner. I had to do it at a time when Deb
wasn't there, cowardly as it sounds I just couldn't face her. I'll have to get
another job, I'm a pretty good waiter so maybe it won't be so bad. It might be
though. Probably I'll have to drop out of school, I know that Mom can't afford
tuition, and the money I can make as a part-time waiter is not enough to live
on. Ethan keeps saying romantic stuff like 'two can live as cheaply as one,' but
it's bullshit. I don't tell him that. But it's true.
Lindsay and Mel had invited me to their anniversary party a long time ago but I
knew I wouldn't go. Brian might be there, and even if he isn't, it’s not fair to
make it hard on everyone else. They were all Brian's friends first. He needs
them too - he'd never admit it but he does. They're all he's got. I've got
Ethan. And my mom, and Daphne. Someday I'll have a lot of friends, but Brian
doesn't make friends easily.
Not that I give a shit about Brian or what he needs. Leaving him was probably
the hardest thing I'll ever do in my whole entire life, but it was the right
thing. It was the only thing. When I came home from Ethan's after he kicked me
out last Thursday, I resigned myself to staying with Brian for a little while.
Eventually I would have left him anyway, because he flat-out told me he would
never love me. But when I saw him fucking Rage at the party, I knew I couldn't
go on that way any longer. Seeing Ethan across the crowded dance floor smiling
at me was the jolt I needed to just get the fuck out of my hopeless relationship
with Brian Kinney.
Brian
Lindsay is so full of shit, always haranguing me about Justin, even now that
he's gone, he's out of my life, still she's haranguing me about what I should
have done. Saying it's not too late. That's complete bullshit, it's way too
late. And that's good, that's for the best. He made it clear he wasn't satisfied
with what I was giving him, so it's much better for everyone concerned that he
went somewhere else to get his needs met. I'm glad for him. Or anyway I will be
soon.
The other night I got so wasted, before I knew what I was doing I'd used Mikey's
key to let myself into his apartment. I think I knocked first but I'm not sure.
I walked in on him and Ben almost fucking. Christ Ben is hot. He's not really my
type - except of course that most men are my type - but he's damn hot. Michael
tried to get rid of me, then somehow he changed his mind and went with me to
Babylon. We danced for hours, I got more wasted than I've been in months. I
don't remember Mikey getting me home but I woke up in my own bed so he must have
managed. He's always managed to get me home, he's my safety net.
Justin
I'm glad I went to the garden party, I thought at first Mel and Lindsay were
just pretending to want me to come and to bring Ethan along but they meant it. I
was a little worried about running into people there but everyone was nice to
me, to us. Almost everyone. I had to take a piss so we went into the house, I
saw Deb serving up food at a table in the living room and I tried to slip by
without her seeing me but of course she did and she called me over. I was really
embarrassed, I thought she was going to make a scene in the middle of the living
room, ream me out for cheating on Brian, I don't know what I expected. But she
didn't. I should have remembered that Debbie loves me. She was even nice to
Ethan.
In a hurry to get to the bathroom, almost pissing my pants, I left Ethan with
Deb and ran upstairs. It never occurred to me to lock the door, I heard it open
behind me and turned to curse out whoever'd come in without knocking. Christ, it
was Brian. He looked as surprised as me, but he didn't leave. Just strolled
over, whipped out his dick and stared pissing right beside me! I couldn't say
anything to him, not anything. That's when I knew I'd been lying to myself about
how comfortable I was, instead I was so tense my piss just dried up, just
stopped pouring out of me. It was all I could do to zip up and move around
Brian, get out of the bathroom.
His voice stopped me at the door. When he turned around I was jolted by how
openly he was looking at me. In this fucking sincere and almost unbearable voice
he said quietly, "Justin, I hope you get what you want." Still I couldn't speak,
I just hesitated a moment, glaring at him. How dare he say such a thing to me?
How dare he be fucking nice? I don't want him to be nice. It's easier to hate
him when he's being an asshole.
Shrugging off that awkward scene in the bathroom, I collected Ethan, we got
drinks and hung out on the patio. After a few minutes I became aware of raised
voices, when I glanced around I saw Michael talking to Brian, they were arguing,
I couldn't hear the words but Michael kept throwing glaring glances at me, at
Ethan, waving his arms around. Suddenly Brian whipped around and punched him!
Brian punched Michael in the face. I was struck dumb. Everybody was struck dumb
for a moment, then all hell broke loose. I saw Ben lunge for Brian, his fist
raised, and without thinking I moved toward them but Ethan grabbed my arm and
held me back. I couldn't see what was happening, everyone was crowding around,
but I don't think Ben hit Brian, there was a moment's silence, then a dozen
voices started screeching at Brian to get the fuck out of there.
I don't know what to think. I don't know what happened. I want to ask, but how
can I? Besides it's none of my business. It's not. Still, I can't shake off that
crazy feeling in my chest when I saw Brian punch Michael. I've never seen him
get violent before; tough yes, threatening yes, I've seen him like that. But not
- not like this.
The party was ruined for me, I just wanted to go home. Or anyway, I wanted to go
back to Ethan's which I guess is my home now. I can't decide if I'm going to
live with him or not. How will I pay my way? What am I going to do now? Will I
have to drop out of school?
Brian
I knew I should stay away from the munchers' party, I'd told Linds flat out I
wouldn't be there and I absolutely had no intention of going. But I ended up
drinking way too much for a Saturday afternoon, just hanging out at Woody’s
listening to two bears piss and moan like a couple of dickless fags overloaded
with estrogen, and for some reason it seemed like a good idea to take them to
the party. I’m still not sure what that was about. Maybe I wanted to be there
after all and they were just an excuse. No. No, of course I didn’t.
I should never have gone, Justin was there. I accidentally ran into him in the
bathroom, it was one of those impossible coincidences. He wouldn’t speak to me,
I tried to joke with him but he wasn’t having it, he wouldn’t say a word.
Clumsily I tried to wish him good luck with Ethan but it came out all wrong and
he only glared at me and almost slammed out of the bathroom.
Downstairs again I grabbed a glass of beer and drained it, crossing the patio on
my way out of there. I passed the boys but pretended not to see them, and I was
almost home free when Michael appeared and grabbed my arm, hissing urgently some
nonsense about how Justin shouldn’t be there, I didn’t really even hear him
clearly until he said he’d told Justin to get the fuck out of our lives. Christ,
that made me angry. As if it wasn’t going to be hard enough for Justin on his
own, and our family is Justin’s family too. I tried to shut him up but he got
louder and louder, and then when he said I should have left Justin to die on the
cold cement of the parking garage, I lost it. Just lost it. I hauled off and
punched him in the face.
I was so shocked that I’d hit Mikey, so angry at the things he said, that it
felt like the trees and the flowers and the crowd milling around the patio were
swirling around and around me, I barely had time to put up a hand to ward off a
blow from Ben, I’d not even seen it coming. Then they all started yelling at me.
Ordering me out, calling me names. I didn’t hear much of it, I couldn’t stop
glaring at Michael, I was still so angry I could have punched him again.
Somehow I got out of there and drove home. I threw myself down on the sofa and
had a few shots of JB, then I just sat and stared at the curtain over the
windows, watched as the light faded and shadows lengthened, sat in the dark
thinking about what I’d done. I don’t give a fuck about the others – not
Lindsay, not Melanie, not their gaggle of lesbian bitch friends. Not even
Debbie. Sometimes she’s pretended to be a mom to me, but I’ve always known that
what she really wanted was for me to get out of Michael’s life.
I wondered if Mikey would ever forgive me. I wondered if I’d ever forgive him.
Finally the JB wore off and I made a few phone calls, giving in to a temptation
that’s been eating at me from the inside out. I’m not stupid and I’m not a fool.
I know exactly what I’m doing. It’s a ridiculous compulsion, yet one that in my
semi-vulnerable state tonight I cannot resist. Once I’d made the arrangements, I
breathed a sigh of relief. Get it over with.
I had a couple hours to kill so I went for a drive. It was late but the lights
were still on in the comic shop. After stopping to pick up a stupid present for
Michael, maybe hoping to make him laugh, I parked and walked up to the glass
door. He finally let me in and we almost apologized to each other. I’ve asked
him to make up with Justin, to continue working together on Rage. He might not,
all I could do was plant the idea in his head. I did it for Mikey, the comic
book is his dream come true. But I also did it for Justin. Not just for the
money that I believe Rage can make, but mostly so Justin’s way can be eased back
into the family. Not that I care exactly, he’s not my responsibility any more.
But I did it anyway.
Then I went home and waited. The boy was not exactly right but close enough. Too
old, mid-twenties probably. He tried to tell me his name but I didn’t need to
hear it. He tried to kiss me too, but quickly he got the picture and rolled
over. I just wanted to look at him for a minute. I wanted to touch his
not-quite-golden-enough hair, I wanted to feel his smooth pale slim body moving
under me. He was just a reasonable facsimile, that’ s all. Nothing more
complicated than that.
3/3/03