Whatever It Takes

Chapter 9

Brian walked through the hospital doors twenty minutes later and approached the front desk.

“Hello Dr. Kinney. What are you doing here?” Stacy asked as she saw the man approach.

“Hello Stacy, one of my patients was brought in here earlier; Justin Taylor. Could you tell me if he’s been transferred to his room yet?” Brian asked, trying to keep his feels at bay.

“Justin Taylor, let me see,” she replied, looking towards her computer screen for the information. “Yes, he’s in room 212.”

“Thanks Stacy,” Brian replied as he walked towards the elevator. He needed to see for himself that Justin was okay.

Brian approached Justin’s room apprehensively. After receiving the message that Justin was going to be okay he was so relieved that he raced to the hospital; now that he was there he knew that he was about to cross a line that he wouldn’t be able to jump back over. Once he entered the room, there would be no turning back. He had to make his decision before he opened the door. Justin would be in good hands with Dr. Houser. Brian could turn around and walk away; let the boy heal and move on, find someone his own age that wasn’t emotionally challenged. Give him a chance to live a normal life with someone who could offer love, support, romance; all the things that Brian himself had sworn off years ago.

Before he had time to make his decision, he heard someone calling his name.

“Dr. Kinney? What are you doing here tonight? I thought this was your weekend off?” Catherine asked, approaching Brian with a smile.

“It is, but one of my patients was brought in earlier so I thought I’d check in and see how he’s doing. Are you working this floor tonight? You’re usually in ICU,” Brian replied.

“Leslie had an emergency and had to leave. I was the only one who answered the phone,” she explained with a chuckle.

Brian laughed at her reply, “Gotcha. So, what do you know about Justin Taylor? How’s he doing?”

“Well, he’s finally starting to stabilize. His BP is normal and his body temperature is up to 96 degrees; much better than the 92 degrees he was when he was brought in. That’s one lucky young man in there,” she said, nodding towards Justin’s room. “If he hadn’t been found when he was, he probably wouldn’t be here anymore.”

Brian felt his heart thud in his chest at hearing the words that had been running through his head since he listened to the message from Bill. His decision had suddenly been made. He nodded his head in response, unable to reply verbally.

“Do you think it was another suicide attempt? Is that why you’re here?”

Brian’s head started to buzz at her suggestion. He’d somehow managed to push that possibility out of his mind. “Why would you think that?”

“Well, he’s eighteen years old; old enough to know that if you go outside in these temperatures for too long you’ll freeze to death. Considering that he had tried to kill himself less than two weeks ago, it’s only natural to assume that he might have had an ulterior motive, don’t you think?”

“Well, anything’s possible,” Brian replied without emotion. “I better go in and see how’s he’s doing. Has he regained consciousness yet?”

“He’s been in and out, but he hasn’t been real coherent. He keeps mumbling but we can’t quite make out what he’s saying. Maybe you’ll have better luck with him. I’d better get back to the desk. See you later, Dr. Kinney”

“Have a good night, Catherine,” Brian said as he opened Justin’s door.

Nothing prepared him for the emotions he felt when he saw Justin laying in the hospital bed. His coloring was all but gone, leaving Justin’s face a pasty shade of gray and his lips had a slight blue tinge to them. The vision was almost enough to cause Brian to run away and forget he’d ever met him, but that wasn’t an option. Brian abandoned him once, or so Justin thought, he wasn’t about to do it again. Catherine’s words were haunting him as he approached the bed. Could Justin have been trying to kill himself again?

Shaking those thoughts away, Brian took Justin’s chart from the end of the bed and skimmed through the information before pulling up a chair and sitting beside him. He hesitated a moment then took Justin’s hand in his. It felt cold and clammy, just like Brian’s heart.

“Justin? It’s me. I need you to wake up and talk to me. I need to know that you’re alright; that this was an accident and you weren’t trying to hurt yourself,” Brian pleaded, hoping to get a reaction, some kind of reassurance. He was somewhat pleased when he saw blue eyes flutter open.

“Brian?” It was a shaky whisper.

“Hey there, Justin. I was hoping you were going to wake up.”

“Where am I?”

“You’re in the hospital. Do you remember how you got here?”

“It was cold. I didn’t think I could ever be that cold,” Justin rasped, closing his eyes to shield out the bright lights.

“Justin, hey…don’t go back to sleep. I need to talk to you,” Brian prodded.

Justin’s mind started replaying everything that happened earlier and he suddenly remembered what had taken place. Brian was trying to get rid of him. He had woken up after the best night of his life to hear Brian making plans to toss him aside. The pain cut through him like a knife and he cringed at the emotions that were resurfacing. “Go away.”

“Justin, we need to talk about this,” Brian insisted, shutting out the pain of Justin’s words.

“Go away, Brian. I think you’ve done enough talking. You’re not my doctor anymore, remember?” Justin snapped.

“Justin…”

“Just go!” Justin turned his head away so Brian wouldn’t see the tears that he wasn’t able to hold back.

“Sorry, but I can’t do that. I can’t just walk away,” Brian admitted softly.

“Why not? You were sure as hell going to do it this morning? Why is now any different?”

Brian sighed at Justin’s words. “Justin, please just listen to what I have to say.”

“You have nothing to say that I want to hear,” Justin replied sarcastically.

Suddenly, Brian got angry. This kid had managed to break down some of his walls, forcing him to feel things he didn’t want to feel and now he was going to try to push him away? “So, what? Are you going to try to kill yourself again? Hoping that you’ll do it right the next time?”

“What? What are you talking about, Brian? I haven’t…” Justin froze mid sentence when he realized what Brian had been implying. “You think this was a suicide attempt? That I was purposely trying to freeze to death? That’s why you’re here, isn’t it? You came here thinking that I was suicidal over what happened and you’re trying to ease your guilty conscious and make sure that I don’t off myself. Well, I’ve got news for you. What happened today had nothing to do with you. Yeah, you’re the reason I left, but I wasn’t trying to do anything but think about what I’m going to do next. I was confused and a little scared so I sat down at the park to think. I just lost track of time. Once I realized how cold I was I started for the street to find help. If I wanted to kill myself I would have just jumped in a lake somewhere. It would have been a lot faster. So now that you know I’m okay you can leave. Your conscious can be clear.”

Hearing Justin accuse him of trying to ease his guilt brought on a whole new wave of anger. “Listen to me you little shit. Suicide was the last thing on my mind until the nurse suggested it right before I walked in here. I came here because you scared the shit out of me. I’ve been driving around all day trying to find you. I was beginning to think you disappeared off the face of the earth when I got home and received a message from Dr. Houser.”

“Well, you found me, now you can go. I’m in safe hands now just like you wanted. You can walk away without ever looking back. That was your plan all along, wasn’t it?”

“That’s not what I was trying to do,” Brian replied weakly.

“Come off it, Brian. Are you going to stand there and tell me you weren’t trying to get rid of me this morning?”

Brian looked away guiltily.

Justin felt the last bit of hope he had disappear. “Exactly, you wanted me gone and now I am. You got your wish,” Justin said softly, brushing away a stray tear.

“Justin, I was only trying to do what’s best for you,” Brian tried to explain. “I was trying to protect you.”

“Protect me? From what?”

“From me! Justin, you’re eighteen years old. Your life is just beginning. You need to be with people your own age. I shouldn’t have taken advantage of you last night. What I did was wrong, both professionally and personally. You have to see that. I don’t want to hurt you anymore than you’ve already been hurt,” Brian admitted.

“Hurt me? Brian you’ve helped me so much. I wouldn’t be here right now if it wasn’t for you. Before I met you I felt as if I had nothing to live for. You made me see that even though my life isn’t what I thought it should be, it’s still worth living. You took me in when no one else wanted me and made me feel things I’ve never felt before. How is that hurting me?”

“I can’t be who you want me to be; who you need me to be. I’m a heartless shit who doesn’t care about anyone but himself. Just ask anyone, my reputation precedes me,” Brian tried to explain.

“That’s bullshit! Why don’t you stop trying to hide behind your so called reputation and admit that you’re human and have feelings just like the rest of us? It wouldn’t kill you, you know?”

“Really? Look where it got Lindsay? Look where you almost ended up because of your feelings. I won’t go back there, Justin. Not ever again.” Brian let his anger get a hold of him and started yelling.

“What are you talking about? You won’t go back where?” Justin was confused by what Brian was saying.

“I won’t go back to being the person I was when this happened.” Brian thrust his arm forward and pulled back his bracelet to show Justin his scar. The one he received during his own failed attempt at suicide. “This is what happens when I care too much; when I expect things from people that I now know I should never expect.”

Justin gasped in horror. He knew about Lindsay and some of what Brian had been through because of her, but he never imagined Brian had tried to kill himself. He didn’t have time to reply because suddenly the door opened and Dr. Houser walked in, oblivious to the tension in the air.

“Brian? What are you doing here? When I left you that message I didn’t expect you to come down. I just wanted to let you know Justin was here.”

Brian shook his head, trying to get his mind out of the painful past and back to the present. “Its okay, Bill. I wanted to talk to Justin and see if he was alright. I’m going to go now. I’ll talk to you later,” he said softly, avoiding Justin’s eyes as he walked out the door.

Justin watched Brian leave and felt a rush of sorrow overcome him. He hadn’t meant to be such a drama queen. He just acted on his feelings, not realizing that there could have been more to Brian’s past then he knew. Dr. Houser asked him a couple of his routine questions, but Justin only half listened while his mind was more focused on Brian and what his next move was going to be.

Brian stormed into the loft 30 minutes later and headed straight for the bottle. He never intended to share his secret with Justin. In fact, no one knew about his childhood. Not even Lindsay, Michael, or Cynthia and they had always been his closets friends. There was only one person who knew about what happened all those years ago, aside from his parents and he found himself reaching for the phone needing to hear the support he knew he would receive.

“Hello?”

“Clair? It’s me,” Brian said softly.

“Brian, I was just thinking about you. How’s my baby brother doing?” Clair asked, happy to hear her brother’s voice. Since moving away from Pittsburgh she never talked to him enough for her liking and was constantly worried about him.

“Don’t ask,” Brian replied dryly.

“Brian? What’s wrong? Did something happen?” Clair was suddenly concerned. She could hear the anguish in Brian’s voice and the sound sent chills down her spine.

“I fucked up again, Clair. I don’t know why I keep doing it. You would think that by now I would have learned my lesson.” Brian took another swig from the bottle and choked back a sob.

“What did you do? What happened? You’re scaring me. Please tell me why you’re so upset,” Clair pleaded with him.

“I let my guard down. I let someone in when I shouldn’t have and now he’s suffering because of me. Why can’t I just keep everyone away? Why can’t they see that I’m no good? I always manage to bring pain to those close to me. I only wanted to help him. To make him see that there was a reason to live and now I screwed it up.”

“Okay Brian, slow down. Try starting at the beginning. Who are you talking about?” Clair used her soothing voice, the one that got Brian through so many dark nights when they were children.

“Justin…he was a patient of mine. I wanted to help him. I could see the potential in his eyes so I tried to help him, but he got too close. I warned him, but he wouldn’t listen and now he’s in the hospital and it’s all my fault. He was so hurt and angry. I should have listened to him when he told me to go away, but I didn’t. Instead I yelled at him. I showed him my scar and told him that was what happened when I cared too much and expect things from people. I could see the shocked look on his face. The pain in his eyes…” he trailed off, lost in his own thoughts.

Clair was shocked. Brian never told anyone about what happened to him as a child. “What happened after that?”

“Dr. Houser came in so I left. I needed to get away. I couldn’t be there anymore. I can’t do this anymore, Clair. I’ve tried to put it all behind me. I’ve tried to forget but it won’t go away. I’m a hypocrite, Clair. I spend my days telling my patients that they have to go on; that they have something to live for. How can I say that when I’m not so sure of that myself? How can I tell them they are lucky to be alive when I still wish you never found me in time?” Brian left the tears fall as he poured his heart out to his sister.

“Oh Brian,” Clair cried, her heart breaking for her little brother. She had thought that he had moved on, that he had put the past behind him and all this time it was just under the surface, waiting to come back out. “Please don’t say that. You have helped so many people. Think of where all of your patients would be if they didn’t have your help. You need to think about that and let go of what Mommy and Daddy did to you. They were mean, horrible people, but it was their problem, not yours or mine. I survived because of you. You took all of Daddy’s abuse for me; you protected me from him and I love you for that. Please don’t say that you should have died. I don’t know what I would have done without you.”

Brian knew she was right. If he had died that night so long ago, where would that have left Clair? Jack would have just taken his drunken rages out on her instead and she would have been left alone to deal with it. “I love you too, Clair, but what do I do now?”

“Brian, what’s so different about this patient? Justin? What happened between you to?”

Brian took a deep breath and told Clair the story between him and Justin. He told her about how he felt the minute he walked through his door; about the things he felt when they kissed for the first time, and about the pleasure he experienced when they became one. When he was finished, there were a new set of tears rolling down his face.

“Okay, so maybe you crossed the line, but don’t beat yourself up over it. You found him another doctor to follow up with his treatment, why are you still trying to push him away? I know you’re scared, but don’t you think it’s time to try to let someone in? Why not let it be Justin and see what happens?”

“Clair, he’s only eighteen,” Brian sighed.

“So? I’m 33 and Charlie is 45, what difference does age make?”

“He has problems, Clair. The last thing he needs is someone like me.”

“Like you? You mean someone who cares about him and wants what’s best for him?”

“No, I mean an emotional cripple. Have you listened to me at all during this conversation? What do I have to offer him when I’m more fucked up than he is?”

“Maybe you can help each other. Brian, you’ve spent most of your adult life trying to help others, isn’t it time to help yourself? You can’t keep shutting off your emotions and expect to live a normal life. You need to take your own advice and talk to a professional. In the mean time, Justin is the only one who has managed to get inside that heart that you try so hard to ignore. Doesn’t that prove to you just how special he is to you? Isn’t that worth exploring?”

Brian was trying to absorb all that Clair was saying, but the beam he consumed was starting to make things fuzzy. “I have to go Clair. I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Brian, wait. Before you hang up, promise me you’ll think about what I said and you’ll call me if you need me. You know I’m always here and just a quick flight away if you need me,” she reminded him gently.

“I know Clair. I love you,” Brian assured her.

“Love you, too baby brother. Now get some sleep and I’ll call you tomorrow.”

Brian hung up the phone and staggered to the bed, exhausted from his purging session with Clair. He was asleep the second his head hit the pillow, his last thoughts were of Justin.

Justin tossed and turned all night, trying to understand all that had happened when Brian was there. He was worried about the man and didn’t know what to do. All he knew was that he never realized how many demons could be inside the older man’s head. When he finally drifted off to sleep, his last thought was that he had to find a way to reach out to Brian before he lost him forever.


End of part 9
7/09/04

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