Whatever It Takes

Chapter 4

When Brian finally made his way back upstairs, he found Justin sitting on the bed looking like a puppy in a store window. Brian could see his excitement at the thought of having somewhere to go for the holidays. It was then that he knew he made the right decision offering the invitation. He would worry about the consequences later.

"All ready to go?" He asked, already knowing the answer.

"Yep!" Justin exclaimed, as he jumped off the bed. He grabbed the small bag that Daphne had dropped off for him on her way to the airport, then stopped and looked at Brian. "Are you sure you want to do this? It's your last chance to back out."

Brian could see a slight look of fear in his eyes as he waited for his answer. "Yes, I'm sure. Now let's get out of here. I am off till Monday and for once, I have no desire to see this place." Brian replied, realizing that what he said was true. For the first time since he started working at Allegheny, he desperately wanted his weekend off, but refused to even think that Justin could be the reason.

A half hour later, Brian and Justin walked off the elevator and approached Brian's door. Justin looked around in surprise, expecting to see something more suitable for a doctor. What he saw was a somewhat run down building with a rickety old service elevator. He heard Brian slide open the big metal door and walked inside, even more surprised by what was waiting for him. The loft itself was a beautiful place, decorated with what Justin knew to be designer furniture that probably cost more per piece than his father's BMW. He stood in the center of the room, taking in the sight, while Brian made his way to the answering machine. Soon voices filled the room as the machine began to play the messages.

"Hello Dr. Kinney. This is Jonathan over at Greenwood Cemetery. I just wanted to let you know that I took care of Ms. Peterson's plot, just like you asked me to. If there are any further instructions, just give me a call. Otherwise, I'll see you at your weekly visit. Talk to you soon."

Beep

"Brian, it's Melanie. I was just checking to see if you have invited anyone for dinner tomorrow. I know what you said, but I really think that you should reconsider. Lindsay would be so disappointed to know that you still haven't changed. You know what her final wishes were. Oh, I'm sorry. I probably shouldn't be using her as a way to get you to see reason. Don't mind me. You know how I get around the holidays. I just miss her. Anyway, whatever you decide to do is fine with me. Just let me know. I'll see you tomorrow. Gus said hello."

Beep

Brian stood there, looking at the machine as if it had the ability to hurt him, which it just did. He forgot all about the blond that was standing there waiting for him.

"Brian?" Justin asked, feeling as if he had just overheard something that he wasn't supposed to hear.

Brian visibly winced at the sound of Justin's voice behind him. He should have remembered that he had company and saved the messages for later. "Uh, you can put your stuff over there in the corner. Make yourself at home. I'm going to take a shower, then I'll show you where everything is and we can decide what to do about dinner." Brian explained as he made his way to the bedroom. Damn Jonathon and Melanie for reminding him about all he had lost. He needed a few minutes alone to get himself together.

"Look, Brian, maybe this isn't a good time. I'm sure I can find some place to…" He was interrupted when Brian turned around and looked him in the eyes. Justin could see the haunted look there and wished he could do something to take it away.

"No. It's okay. Just let me grab that shower and everything will be fine. The remote is in the drawer under the TV. Why don't you see if there is anything good on and I'll be back in a few minutes." Brian turned quickly, before Justin could say anything more. He just needed his space for a few minutes. Then he would be fine. Even though it had been five years since Lindsay had died, he still always had trouble around the holidays. They were very important to Lindsay.

Justin found the remote and turned on the TV, not really able to pay attention to what was on. His thoughts kept drifting back to the messages he heard on the answering machine. From what he could put together, this Lindsay person was someone important to Brian and had passed away. Maybe a wife, or a girlfriend if she is the Ms. Peterson the guy from the cemetery was talking about. Could he have lost the love of his life? That would explain the melancholy mood that seemed to appear without warning occasionally. Well it wasn't any of Justin's business, and he knew enough to keep his mouth shut and just be thankful for the man's generosity. About ten minutes later he heard Brian turn off the shower and come out of the bathroom. He tried to focus on the show he had put on, wanting to seem lost in the program so Brian didn't notice his preoccupation with what he had overheard.

"That's better. Now what would you like for dinner?" Brian asked, searching for his take out menus.

"Brian you don't have to order out. I don't have any money. Maybe I could just make something here," Justin offered, wanting to be as easy as possible.

"Justin, I can afford to buy you a meal or two. You just have to decide what you want." Brian replied handing over the menus he found in his drawer. "You want a beer?"

"You do realize that I'm only eighteen, right?" Justin asked, amazed that Brian was even offering him alcohol.

"Yes, I realize that. I'm not going to ply you with alcohol and watch you get behind the wheel. I just thought you might like a beer. I'm all out of milk." Brian chuckled, enjoying the boy's innocence.

"Okay, I guess I'll have a beer then. After living in the Taylor house, I was just surprised. That's all." Justin said softly, remembering a better time.

Brian went and got Justin a beer, grabbing the bottle of beam and a glass for himself. They decided on Thai for dinner and placed an order for delivery, assured that it would be there in twenty minutes. Once the food arrived they ate in comfortable silence, neither one sure of what to say. It was one thing for them to be in the hospital, talking about Justin and his recovery. It was another to be in Brian's home trying to strike up normal conversation. They finished eating, but continued drinking until Justin could feel himself getting tipsy from too much beer.

"Brian, can I ask you something?" Justin said, his voice slightly slurred.

"Sure, kid. Go ahead, but there's no guarantee that I will answer." Brian replied with a smile. He had a little too much beam and was finding the situation funny. How many psychiatrists found themselves on the receiving end of their patient's questions?

"Were you ever married before?" Justin asked quietly. He saw a sad look cross Brian's face and wondered if he should have kept his curiosity to himself.

"No, Justin. I was never married before. I guess you're curious about the messages you overheard earlier." Brian sighed, figuring he might as well tell Justin a little bit about his life since it was all going to be on display the next day anyway.

"Yeah, but you don't have to tell me anything if you don't want to. It's none of my business." Justin admitted.

"You might as well hear the story from me. You'll start figuring everything out tomorrow anyway, since you are going to be surrounded by my friends and family. God knows they can't keep their mouths shut." Brian explained. He got up and walked over to the windows, looking out at the night. He needed to decide where to start.

"When I was in college, I met a girl named Lindsay. She was so sweet and innocent at the time. We kind of fell into a relationship of sorts. Neither one of us really knew what we wanted at the time, but it just seemed to be assumed that we were a couple since we were always together, so we let everyone believe what they wanted to believe. Lindsay and I became best friends, so when she told me that she was in love with a woman and wanted me to father her child, I couldn't resist. I jerked off in a cup for her, and that was supposed to be the end of it. Unfortunately, once my son Gus was born, things started getting complicated. It was love at first sight for me. I really thought I could donate my sperm without having an emotional connection with the baby, but I was wrong. That was the first of many problems Lindsay had. Her partner hated me on sight. I think she was jealous of the relationship Lindsay and I had. There were so many fights back then that Lindsay thought she would kill us both." Brian stopped, smiling at the memory of Lindsay's outbursts every time he and Mel started fighting.

Justin watched Brian stare out the window and felt bad for bringing up the past, especially since he saw the affect it had on him earlier. "Brian, you don't have to say anymore. It really ISN'T any of my business." Apparently, Brian was lost in his memories because he continued to tell his story without acknowledging Justin.

"Then Lindsay's parents found out she was a lesbian. She was never really close with them, so when she had the baby, she had told them that she wasn't married, but that I was the father. This way she wasn't lying to them. They were an upper class WASP family, appalled by her lifestyle. From that moment on, they made it their mission to help her turn her life around and become a good girl again. The stress was just too much for her. She couldn't stand the pain and disappointment in their eyes every time she saw them. She threw her partner out of their house and tried to be what her parents wanted her to be. For months she continued to push Melanie away until finally Mel got the hint and met someone else. This just made matters worse. Lindsay fell into a deep depression. Some days she couldn't even drag herself out of bed. I found Melanie and explained the situation. She admitted that she still loved Lindsay and we worked together to make things right again. We thought we were almost there…but Lindsay…" He stopped, lost on the memories.

Justin got up and walked over to the man, unsure of what to do. He could see the pain in the man's features and didn't know how to comfort him. He placed a hand on his back and stayed silent, offering his support.

"She couldn't take it anymore. She killed herself. I went over to the house to see my son and I found her there. Her wrists were sliced and she was gone." Brian wiped away a stray tear as he relived the day his world changed.

"Oh, Brian. I am so sorry." Justin was at a loss for words. He looked at the scars that were on his own wrists and wondered how the man could see what he saw everyday and still manage to keep it together.

"That's when I knew that I had to help other people. I needed to stop others from living the pain and agony that Lindsay lived with up until the moment she gave up. She didn't think she would ever be able to be happy and never gave us a chance to prove to her that she could. I missed every warning sign there was. I failed her when she needed me most. I refuse to fail anyone again!" Brian was so lost in thought that he didn't even realize that Justin was behind him.

"Brian, I don't know what to say to you. I can't even imagine how hard that must have been on you and I almost did the same thing to Daphne." Justin shivered at the sight Daphne must have found. How could he do that to his best friend? He shook his head to rid himself of those thoughts. Brian needed him now, and after all that had happened in the last week there was no way he wasn't going to be there for him. "All I can say is that I am sure your friend Lindsay would be proud of you. The way you touch people's lives is amazing. I don't know what I would have done without you. Not many doctors would take a patient home for the holidays. I will always be grateful to you for making my holiday bearable."

Brian didn't know what to say. He couldn't believe that he had shared his past with Justin. It had taken him months to even begin to open up to Cynthia, and Justin was a patient. A patient who was staying in his loft. A patient who made his groin tighten just by looking at him. God, he was in trouble.

"Thank you, Justin. It's getting late. Maybe we should get to bed." Brian suggested, walking into the bedroom to get a blanket and pillow for Justin.

Justin saw the change in Brian as he pushed his feelings back inside, and knew that he was trying to forget all the memories that had surfaced. He felt so guilty for bringing it all back and vowed to keep his mouth shut about anything personal for the rest of his stay. Just then Brian came back down the steps with his wall firmly in place.

"Okay, Justin. Here is everything you need. I'll see you in the morning." He took one last look at Justin, and then headed to bed, thankful that their conversation was over. Now all he had to do was find a way to fall asleep with the knowledge that Justin was sleeping a few feet away.

Justin made up the couch and settled down for the night, knowing that sleep would be a long time coming. How could he fall asleep knowing that Brian was just a few feet away?


End of part 4
12/09/03

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