Whatever It Takes

Chapter 2

Brian tossed and turned for most of the night unable to get the blond out of his thoughts. He knew it was wrong to feel what he was feeling about a patient, but his mind couldn’t seem to control itself. He kept replaying their meeting over in his head and he knew that it wasn’t going to be easy getting the boy to open up. He finally drifted off to sleep only to be awakened two hours later by the alarm. Dragging himself out of bed, he made his way to the phone to call and check on his newest charge. What he was told made him begin to wonder how he was going to get through to Justin.

“Dr. Kinney. Justin seems to be very agitated. He had a few outbursts after you left and we eventually had to sedate him. He’s sleeping now, but he still seems very restless. There’s obviously something really troubling the young man. Good luck in getting inside his head.”

“Thanks, Nancy. I’ll be in my office in about an hour. Make sure the day shift knows to call me if there are any problems, otherwise, I’ll just see him during my rounds.” Brian offered. He hung up the phone and headed for the shower, anxious to get to the hospital and see his patient.

Two hours later, as Brian was going through his charts, the fifth floor charge nurse called him.

“Dr. Kinney, could you come up here for a minute? Justin Taylor woke up and he’s very agitated. He wants to know why we won’t release him.” The nurse explained.

“I’m on my way.” Brian replied, grabbing his lab coat and heading out the door. He was hoping that after a good night sleep, Justin would settle down and accept the fact that he needed to stay in the hospital and get some help. Apparently, that wasn’t the case. As Brian approached the room, he could hear Justin raising his voice in anger.

“I want to go home! I’m an adult and you can’t keep me here! I don’t care who I have to talk to, you tell whoever it is, that I am ready to leave!” Justin yelled, frustrated with the staff that refused to let him leave.

“Good morning, Mr. Taylor. Did you sleep well?” Brian asked from the doorway. He figured he would try a gentle approach and see how Justin responded to him.

“Oh yeah, just great! Now go sign you name on my discharge papers so I can get the hell out of here!” Justin barked as he paced the small room. He needed to get out of there before he lost it completely.

Brian nodded his head, signaling the nurse to leave the room. “Now Justin, We’ve been through this before. You aren’t going anywhere until we find out why you felt the need to hurt yourself, so you might as well cooperate. The sooner you talk about what’s going on, the sooner you will be released.”

“Look, I appreciate your concern, but I am sure you have other patients that you can talk to. I am fine. What happened yesterday was an accident. I didn’t mean for it to happen. Just let me out of here and I will be fine.” Justin assured him, trying to calm his temper.

“An accident? You accidentally sliced both wrists and almost bled to death? Justin, I know this isn’t easy for you, but you need to open up and talk to me. I can help you, but you have to be willing to help me, too. Now why don’t you take a shower and have some breakfast? I will be back in a couple of hours and we can talk. Okay?” Brian could almost see the internal struggle Justin was experiencing and felt a moment of relief. Maybe it wouldn’t be as hard as he thought to break through Justin’s walls.

“Do I have a choice?” Justin could feel himself begin to give in. If he was honest with himself, the thought of being able to share some of his grief sounded pretty good. He had been holding back his thoughts for two days and he really wanted to be able to talk to someone, but he wasn’t sure that Dr. Kinney was the one to talk to.

“Yes, you do have a choice. You don’t have to talk to me, but unless you want to live your life inside this room, you are going to have to start talking. I’ll see you in a little while.” Brian assured him before turning and walking out, feeling a little hope that maybe he was actually starting to get through to the blond.

Two hours later, Brian headed back to Justin’s room, only to be stopped by one of the nurses.

“Dr. Kinney, I was just about to page you. Justin’s father is here. He came in about five minutes ago, looking for his son. I don’t know what’s happening, but he didn’t appear to be happy.” She explained.

“Thanks for the heads up, Tracy.” Brian said, as he approached the room. He could hear low voices coming from the other side of the door, but couldn’t hear what was being said. He waited a moment before knocking on the door and entering quietly. The minute he entered, he could feel the tension between father and son and knew there was a problem.

“Mr. Taylor. I’m Dr. Kinney, Justin’s psychiatrist. I‘m the one who will be treating your son.” Brian offered his hand.

“He’s not my son, Dr. Kinney. He stopped being my son the minute he decided to be a queer. Now if you excuse me, my family is waiting for me.” Craig said without emotion.

“Mr. Taylor, I really don’t think…” Brian tried, taking in the look of hatred the older man gave to his son.

“I don’t care what you think, doctor. Justin knows the deal. When he puts aside his foolishness and becomes a man, he will be more than welcome to come home. Until then, I have no son.” Craig spat as he walked out the door.

Brian looked at Justin, seeing the pain in his beautiful features, and finally understood what had caused the incident from the previous day. He could feel his professional demeanor begin to slip and all he wanted to do was take the young man in his arms and try to ease his pain.

Justin watched his father walk out of the room and tried to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall. There was a small part of him that had hoped that his father would have reconsidered disowning him, but it was obvious that as long as he chose to live his life as the gay man he was, he would never have his family to rely on. The pain was almost more than he could bear. How could a family turn their back on their own flesh and blood just because they were different? Justin walked over to the window and looked at the outside world, wondering what he was going to do next. He had forgotten all about the doctor who was watching him with interest.

“Justin, are you okay?” Brian already knew the answer to his question, but he wasn’t even sure what to say at the moment. For the first time in his career he felt at a loss for words.

Justin jumped, startled by the sound of his doctor’s voice. He slowly turned around and looked into Brian’s eyes. “No, I’m not okay. Nothing’s ever going to be okay again. I have nothing left, Dr. Kinney. I have no money, no home, and no family. Now do you understand why I did what I did?” Justin finally lost the control he had been struggling to hold on to and felt his knees begin to buckle, as the sobs overtook him. He was barely conscious of the arms that came around him and stopped him from hitting the floor.

Brian saw Justin break down and without thinking he took him in his arms, trying to comfort him. He held the young man, allowing him to release his pain, neither one saying a word. When the tears started to subside, Brian led Justin to the bed and eased him down, reaching for a box of tissues without ever breaking contact. Justin took the tissues and wiped his eyes, embarrassed by his behavior.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for that to happen.” Justin spoke softly, unable to look the man in the eyes.

“Justin, that’s what I’m here for. You need to release the pain you are holding back so you can heal and move on. How about I leave you to your thoughts for awhile and I’ll come back to check on you later.” Brian knew he should stay and try to get Justin to open up to him, but he felt the need to get away and pull himself together. The feelings he was experiencing were very unprofessional and he needed time to figure out what he was going to do about them.

“Please don’t leave me.” Justin begged, not wanting to be alone. Even though he didn’t want to talk about what had happened over the course of the last two days, he didn’t think he could handle being alone at the moment.

Brian looked down at the sad blue eyes and knew he would not be able to deny his request. He shook his head slightly to clear his thoughts and forced himself back into his professional mode. “Okay, I’ll stay, but we are going to have to talk about this. I know it’s hard, but it’s the only way…Are you sure you’re up to this right now?”

Justin nodded his head in reply. He was being backed into a corner. All he really wanted to do was stay in the man’s warm embrace forever and block out the past, but he knew that wasn’t an option. Dr. Kinney didn’t care about him, he was just doing his job. The only person he had in his life that cared about him was thousands of miles away, starting a new life without him. That thought scared him more than anything else. He took a deep breath and sat back on the bed, waiting while the doctor pulled up a chair, then began talking.

“I guess you have already figured out that I’m gay, thanks to my father’s…I mean Craig’s outburst.”

“Yes. Do you want to start there? Is that what this is all about?” Brian asked, knowing the statistics of suicide in gay teens.

“I don’t think so. I mean, I always knew I was different. My father used to take me to football games and he would watch the cheerleaders, while I watched the players. Once I admitted to myself that I was never going to be the person my father wanted me to be, I assured myself that my parents wouldn’t stop loving me because of it. Who knows? Maybe deep down inside I was afraid this would happen because I always kept it to myself. I figured I would have time to find the real me later in life, so I kept that part of me hidden. The other day, I don’t know what I was thinking, but I decided to tell my parents the truth. My friend Daphne was moving away and I felt so alone. She was the only one who knew the real me and I was afraid that once she left, I would lose myself. I knew my parents would be upset, but I was shocked by the anger and disappointment I saw in my father when I told him. He told me I didn’t know what I was talking about. That he wouldn’t have a queer son. When I assured him that I knew what I was talking about, that I was sure I was gay, he threw me out. He told me that I was no longer a part of the family. My disgusting lifestyle wasn’t welcome and if I came to my senses, I would be welcomed back.” Justin stopped talking as his mind replayed the scene with his father.

Brian couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Even his own father wasn’t that cruel when he had finally come out to him. Yeah, he said that Brian should have been the one dying, but he got over that fairly quickly. Craig Taylor was nothing but a homophobic asshole. “Justin, there is nothing wrong with being gay. It’s who you are. It’s unfortunate that your father can’t accept you right now, but you can’t deny who you are. Maybe in time, he will learn to look past your…lifestyle, and be your father again, but either way that’s no reason to try to end your life. You have your whole future ahead of you.” Brian explained, trying to get through to Justin.

“Future? What future? I told you, Dr. Kinney, I have nothing left. My parents wouldn’t let me get a job because they were worried that it would interfere with my studies. Then, my father hit the roof when I told him that I wanted to go to PIFA instead of Dartmouth. After countless arguments, we agreed that I would take a year off to find myself before going to Dartmouth, just like he wanted. I have never held a job. I have no money, no education past my high school diploma, and with Daphne gone, I don’t even have a place to live. Don’t you see? I had no other choice than to…do what I did. Who’s going to want me? I let my parents control my entire life and now that they’ve thrown me away, I have nothing.” Justin started crying again at the hopelessness of his situation. He couldn’t help feeling as if Daphne made a huge mistake finding him and calling for help. If she had just left him there, he wouldn’t be seeing a future of sleeping in alleyways and eating out of garbage cans.

“Justin, look at me.” Brian demanded, giving Justin a moment to pull himself together before continuing. “You may not believe this, but I care about what happens to you. This is not just a job for me. I am here because I want to help people. I will not let you be tossed on the streets, I promise. For the time being, you have a roof over your head and a warm bed to sleep in right here. How about if we spend the next couple of days getting to know each other and talking about what you should do next, then we will worry about where you are going to go when you are released. You have a lot of things to work out and until you do, you will never find peace. I will be there to help you, but you have to promise me one thing.” Brian waited, making sure he had Justin’s attention. “Promise me that you will stop thinking that you have nothing to live for.”

Justin looked into Dr. Kinney’s eyes and what he saw surprised him. He saw honesty. He could see that he was telling the truth when he said that he cared. For the first time in two days, Justin didn’t feel so alone. “I promise.” He whispered, thanking God for giving him hope that maybe, just maybe he had a chance at a future.

“That’s all I can ask for. Now why don’t you get some rest and I will be back after lunch. We can talk some more then.” Brian rose from his chair and walked out the door hoping that Justin would live up to his promise.

Justin watched the doctor walk out of his room and was once again overcome with the beauty of the man. He knew it wouldn’t do any good to lust after his doctor, but he couldn’t help the feelings he had while in the same room with him. He lay back on his bed and thought about what the older man’s life was like. Did he have a wife and kids at home? Did he have a loving family who would stand by him no matter what he chose to do with his life? He could feel himself drifting off to sleep, thoughts of Brian Kinney floating through his mind.

Brian sat at his desk, thinking about what had taken place earlier that morning. Even though he should be trying to come up with the best way to counsel the boy, one thought kept running through his head…Justin Taylor is gay…Justin Taylor is gay. That thought shouldn’t even be an issue. He was a patient. He had an obligation to do what was best for his patients. Lusting after them was not a part of those obligations. He slammed his hands on his desk in frustration just as Cynthia walked through the door.

“Bad day, Boss?” She asked with a chuckle.

“You have no idea, Cyn. What’s up?” Brian asked, rising from his desk and walking towards the window.

“I was just wondering how things were going. There are only six more days until Thanksgiving and I wanted to see if you needed any help in getting caught up. You know I won’t be able to enjoy my holiday if I know you are going to be sitting at your desk working.” Cynthia said, noticing the far away look on Brian’s face.

“Yeah, I know. I’m pretty much caught up and I am going to be here this weekend anyway, so I will probably get the rest finished then.” Brian explained.

“Brian, you can’t keep working all these hours. You need to get a life of your own. There is no reason for you to be here this weekend. You need to take a couple of days off and get out of these walls.” Cynthia said, trying to get through to her friend. He worked too hard and needed to take some time for himself.

“I have a life. Besides, I need to be here this weekend. I don’t have a choice.” Brian said, without further explanation.

“First of all, going to Babylon to trick when the need strikes you is not a life. Second of all, what do you mean you have no choice? You aren’t on call this weekend. You have the next three weekends off. I checked the schedule.” Cynthia stood waiting for an answer.

“I need to be here for Justin.” Brian mumbled, without looking away from the window.

“Justin? You mean Justin Taylor? Why do you have to be here for him? I know you care about your patients, but you don’t usually give up your weekends for any one person. Did something happen?” She asked, wondering if maybe she missed something.

“His father came to see him today.” Brian started to explain.

“Well, that’s good, isn’t it?”

“I thought so, until I met Craig Taylor. He’s an asshole who only came here to reassure his son that he still wasn’t welcome at home.” Brian turned around and looked at Cynthia.

“That asshole! I can’t believe that after almost losing his son for good, he wouldn’t want him back home. Poor Justin. That still doesn’t explain why you feel that Justin needs you to be here this weekend.” Cynthia pointed out.

“Cyn, Justin was disowned by his parents because he is gay.” Brian said. No further explanation was needed.

“Oh.” She whispered.

“Now do you understand why I want to be here to help him through this?”

“Yeah, I do. Are you okay with all of this? This storyline hits a little too close to home, doesn’t it?” She asked with concern.

“Yeah, but this time I’m going to make sure the outcome is different.” Brian replied, hoping he had the ability to do just that.


End of part 2
11/18/03

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