Whatever It Takes

Chapter 10

The next morning Brian woke up to a slight hangover. His brain was a little fuzzy and it wasn't until after his shower that he allowed himself to think about what Clair had said the night before. Was it possible to let someone in without getting hurt in the end? Was it even worth trying? A vision of Justin appearing in his mind told him all that he needed to know. Dressing quickly, he headed for the hospital, wanting to get to Justin before he was released. Unfortunately, he was a little too late.

"Where's Justin Taylor? He was the patient in here last night?" Brian asked the housekeeper that was making up the bed in room 212.

"I guess he went home. I was told to clean out the room for the new admit," the housekeeper replied without interest.

A feeling of sadness washed over Brian as he made his way back downstairs. Justin was gone and Brian had no idea where to look for him. He decided to drive around again, just like he had the day before, even though he knew it was crazy. Justin could have gone anywhere. In desperation, Brian even tried to call Justin's parents, only to be told by who he figured to be Mr. Taylor that Justin was no longer a part of their family. By late afternoon, Brian realized that the likelihood of him finding the blond was slim. Admitting defeat, he found himself on Melanie's doorstep a short time later, wanting to seek comfort from his extended family. He took a deep breath before knocking on the door, knowing that Mel would want some answers that he didn't have.

"Brian, what are you doing here?" Mel asked in surprise.

"Can I come in?" Brian asked softly.

Melanie noticed the sadness in Brian's face and knew who it was that put it there. "Of course, come on in. Gus is down the street at Kevin's house, if you're here to see him."

"Actually, I'm not really sure why I'm here. I guess I just needed a friendly face. It's been a really bad day," Brian sighed as he sat down on the couch.

"Do you want something to drink?"

"Mel, do you think I'm a heartless shit?" Brian asked, ignoring her question.

Melanie was shocked by his question, but could see how important it was for him to talk. "If anyone asked me that years ago I would have had at least twenty reasons why my answer was yes."

"But now?"

"Now I know the real Brian Kinney; the one behind the mask. I would say that you are one of the most caring people I know. You're always looking out for others, even though you refuse to take care of yourself. What's going on, Brian?" The concern was evident in her voice. She'd never seen Brian so down except for the weeks following Lindsay's suicide.

"I fucked up so bad with Justin. He scared me; made me feel things that I didn't want to feel. I tried to keep him at arms length; he's only eighteen and my patient for God's sake. There's just something about him that I can't seem to ignore. Then, yesterday...I was only trying to protect him. I didn't want to hurt him anymore than he's already been hurt and I think I just made things worse. Now he's gone and I have no idea where he is or if I'll ever see him again," Brian replied with despair.

"Wow Brian, I've never seen you like this before. You really care about him, don't you?" Melanie saw him nod before continuing. "I'm sure that once you talk to him, explain everything to him, he'll understand."

"What if it's too late?" Brian voiced the question that had been plaguing him all day.

"It's not," Justin replied quietly from the doorway.

"Justin?" Brian stood, startled to see the blond standing across the room.

"I guess I'll just leave you two alone," Melanie said softly as she walked out of the living room.

The two men stood there staring at each other; neither one of them sure what to say next. Brian finally broke the silence first.

"What are you doing here?"

"Isn't this where you wanted me to go? You asked Melanie to let me stay with her, remember?"

"Yeah, but I figured that after everything that happened, this would be the last place you'd come," Brian replied honestly.

"Well, I didn't really have anywhere to go." Justin saw a look of disappointment cross the older man's face. "And this was the only place where I knew I would still be connected to you."

Brian let the words sink in before smiling slightly at Justin. "I guess we need to talk," he sighed.

"Only if you want to. I don't want to push you into something you don't want to do."

"Will you come back to the loft with me? I think I might feel more comfortable talking there," Brian admitted shyly.

"Let me just go tell Melanie that I'm leaving," Justin replied quickly, afraid that Brian would change his mind. When he had called Melanie that morning and asked if the offer of shelter was still available, he had hoped that Brian would come around in time; he never imagined it would happen so quickly.

The ride back to the loft was made in silence, each man lost in thought of what was going to happen next. Once they were inside, Brian could feel himself shaking at the admissions he knew he was going to have to make.

"Are you hungry?" Brian asked, stalling for more time.

"Brian, stop it. You don't have to do this if you're not ready."

"No, it's alright. Let's...uh...sit down," Brian replied, grabbing Justin's hand and leading him to the couch. "I don't think I know where to start."

"The beginning is always a good starting point," Justin chuckled softly.

Brian took a deep breath, gathering as much strength as he could before opening his past up for the first time.

"My parents never wanted me. I was an accident that my mother couldn't abort, despite my father's encouragement, due to her religious beliefs. I was pretty much ignored except for when my father was drunk and needed a punching bag, which happened quite frequently. The only person who ever paid much attention to me was my sister Clair, but she had to do it behind their backs or it just made them angry. By the time I was thirteen I was convinced that I would be better off dead. Maybe if I wasn't around my father wouldn't be so mean and my mother wouldn't spend so much time with her head in her bible. I waited until I was home alone one day and took a razor blade to my wrist. I remember thinking that it was all finally going to be over; I would finally be free from the beatings. Clair found me and called 911. She rode to the hospital with me, begging me to hang on. She was crying and muttering that she loved me and needed me. By the time I got to the emergency room I realized that I needed to live; for her. I spent two days in the hospital being evaluated by their Psychiatrist while they determined whether or not it was safe to release me. My mother came to take care of the insurance business, but she never came in to see me. I promised myself in those days that I would never expect anything from anyone. Love was bullshit and only caused people pain." Brian stopped for a moment to try to keep his feelings in check.

Justin covered Brian's hand with his own, his heart going out to the little boy who was so hurt by his parent’s rejection. He waited for Brian to continue.

"When I met Lindsay...well, she was so different; so caring of those around her. I began to think that maybe I was wrong. Maybe it was possible to be close to someone without being hurt. When Gus was born and I was happier than I had ever been. I really thought my life was going to change for the better. Then Lindsay killed herself, proving once again how much caring for someone could hurt. I loved her as much as I was capable of loving anyone and she left me. Instead of trusting me enough to help her through her problems she took the easy way out without thinking about what she would be doing to those who loved her. I promised myself to never let anyone else get that close to me again. As long as I put up a wall and refused to care for anyone, I wouldn't get hurt. Self preservation, you know? I already cared for Gus, Melanie, and Clair; Cynthia snuck in while I was grieving for Lindsay, but that was it. I had no more room for anyone else in my life. I turned my pain into determination. I wanted to be able to help people who were as low as Lindsay was; as I was. It was easy for me to be compassionate to them; to tell them that they had so much to live for. It was too late for me, but not for them. My life went on from there. If I wanted to get laid, I'd go out and find a trick to satisfy my needs. It was easy to remain detached from them. They were just tricks. Then you came along." Brian pulled his hand away from Justin and walked towards the window. He wanted to continue, but the pain that he was exposing himself to was almost more than he could bear.

"Brian," Justin said softly.

"Please Justin, just let me finish."

Justin stayed on the couch, fighting the urge to comfort the man he loved.

"The minute I saw you I felt something shift inside of me. I tried to tell myself that it was crazy. You're only eighteen; just a kid. It didn't make any sense. I should have handed you off to Dr. Houser immediately, but something kept me from doing the right thing. When I asked you to stay here I had convinced myself that I was only trying to help you. I'm a grown man; I should have been able to keep my feelings to myself. I planned on keeping my distance; I really did, but the way you look at me...the way you make me feel..."

"Brian, I'm not a kid anymore. I've only been alive for eighteen years, but growing up in the family I grew up in makes me older than my years. I've spend my entire life trying to be who my father wanted me to be; ashamed of who I knew I really was. The night my father kicked me out killed any traces of the little boy that I had inside of me. It scared me; scared me so much that I tried to take the easy way out. I wanted to end my life because I felt as if it wasn't worth anything anyway. You made me see that I was wrong. There is so much to live for. I want to go back to school, get my education, and make something of myself. You gave me back my life; my future and for that I will always be grateful, but you've given me so much more. You made me feel as like I was special. When I'm with you I feel like everything is going to be okay. Sleeping in your arms the other night made me feel as if I finally belonged somewhere."

Brian turned around and looked deep into Justin's eyes, trying to keep back the tears that were threatening to fall. Was it possible for him to open up completely to this kid; no, man, before him?

"What do we do now?" Brian asked softly.

"I guess that's up to you. I'm willing to wait and see how things go; give you time to figure out how you feel and hope that in the end you find out that I'm what you want," Justin replied, hating the uncertainty he could hear in his voice.

"Well, obviously you are going to have to use Dr. Houser now, since it's not ethical for me to treat you as a patient. And maybe it would be best if you stayed with Mel for awhile," Brian suggested, noticing the clouds forming in Justin's eyes. "Hey, I'm not pushing you away."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. I just think that...everything is happening so fast. I think we need to slow it down a little and get to know each other better." Brian explained gently as he approached Justin, taking his hand to offer comfort.

"I guess you're right. We'll still see each other, right?"

"Yeah, we'll see each other," Brian assured him. He leaned in and kissed him lightly on the lips, pulling away before things got out of hand and went too far. "You've had a rough weekend. Why don't I take you back to Melanie's so you can get some rest? I've got to work tomorrow, but I can pick you up afterwards and we can go grab some dinner if you think you'll be up to it."

"Yeah, I am kind of tired, but dinner sounds great. Just give me a call when you leave work and I'll be ready."

"Okay, now let's get you home," Brian said with a smile. As much as he hated opening up to other people, he had to admit that he felt a little better now that Justin knew why he was the way he was.

Justin spent the ride back to Melanie's replaying the conversation that he and Brian had. After everything that had happened between them since they had first met, Justin was still a little worried that Brian was using the excuse that he wanted to take things slow as a way of keeping his distance until he could completely push him away. Even though Brian tried to assure him that wasn't the case, he couldn't help the fear that things were never going to be the way he wanted them to be. He was so lost in thought that he never noticed when Brian pulled up outside of Melanie's house.

"Justin? Are you alright?" Brian asked.

"Huh? Oh...yeah, I'm fine. I was just thinking about things," Justin replied quietly.

"Don't worry, it will all work out for the best," Brian assured him, sensing his fear.

"I wasn't..."

"Yes, you were."

"Alright, maybe I was worrying. It's just that I felt so close to you at the loft, even when I was sleeping on the couch. Now you're going to be across town. I guess I'm just...going...to miss you," Justin said softly, feeling foolish.

Brian saw how upset Justin was and wanted to take him back to the loft and comfort him, but his brain told him that he was doing the right thing. They both needed this time to figure things out and be sure of what they wanted. "Well, maybe if you're a good boy we can have a sleep over one night," he teased, trying to make Justin smile.

Justin smiled at Brian's teasing. "Promise?"

"Oh, you can count on it. Now go get some sleep. I'll call you in the morning and see how you're feeling," Brian told him as he kissed him quickly.

"Later Brian."

"Later."

By the time Brian got home and had something to eat he was starting to feel better. After listening to the message his sister had left on his machine, he reached for the phone, knowing that she was worried about him.

"Hello?"

"Hey Clair."

"Brian? How are you? Is everything alright? I called you earlier but you didn't answer. I was starting to get worried."

"I'm okay, Clair. In fact, I'm doing pretty well," he admitted, smiling to himself.

"Really? What happened? Did you talk to Justin?" Clair asked, surprised by the happiness she could hear in her brother's voice.

"Yeah, I talked to him."

"Well? Don't stop there. Tell me everything. Is he staying with you? Is he there right now? When can I meet him?" She couldn't seem to stop the questions that were racing through her mind.

"Whoa, slow down. No, he's not here. He's staying at Melanie's for awhile. I didn't want to rush into anything, but we did talk. Now we are just going to take things slow and see what happens."

"Oh Brian, I'm so happy for you. I know you don't believe me when I say this, but you deserve to be happy, and I think Justin might be the one to give you that."

"You know what, Clair? I think you just might be right," Brian chuckled.

The siblings continued to talk for a little bit longer before Brian promised to keep her updated and said good night. He made his way to the shower feeling better than he had in a long while, if ever.

Clair hung up the phone and couldn't help but smile. Brian sounded happy and she realized how long it had been since she heard him sound like that. Without thinking about the bounds she was breaking, she grabbed her phone book and called Melanie's house.

"Hello?"

"Gus? How are you doing, Kiddo? It's Aunt Clair."

"Hey Aunt Clair. What's up?"

"Not too much here. How's school?"

"Okay, I guess. I can't wait for Christmas vacation though. I really hate getting up early."

Clair laughed at the typical child response. They talked a few minutes before Clair got to the reason she called. "Gus, your dad told me that his friend Justin was staying with you. Is here there? I'd like to talk to him."

"Uh, sure. Hang on a minute."

Gus went upstairs and knocked lightly on the guest room door.

"Justin?" He waited until he heard a reply before walking in. "My aunt is on the phone. She wants to talk to you."

"Your aunt?" Justin asked in confusion, taking the phone from Gus. "Thanks Gus."

He waited until Gus closed the door behind him before taking a deep breath and putting the phone to his ear.

"Hello?"

"Justin, my name's Clair. I'm sorry to bother you and I know I should probably be minding my own business, but I just had to talk to you."

"Okay, I'm assuming this is about Brian?"

"Yes, so please hear me out. I'm really not trying to butt in, but I just wanted to see what your intentions are."

"My intentions?" Justin laughed.

"Shit! I sound like a father from the 1950's. Look Justin, I love my brother very much and I was really worried after talking to him last night. He sounded so...lost. I encouraged him to talk to you; to give things a chance. I just got off the phone with him and he sounded happy for the first time in I don't know how long. I just want to make sure I didn't give him the wrong advice,” Clair explained.

“I love him, Clair.”

“How do you know that? You haven’t even known him that long, and you’re so young. What if you meet someone your own age?”

Justin immediately became defensive. How dare this woman call him and question his feelings? They were none of her business, regardless of Brian being her brother.

“How dare you call me and suggest that I don’t love Brian! How could anyone not love him? He’s kind, caring and supportive, not to mention beautiful in every way. He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me and being young has nothing to do with my feelings for him. I have every intention of making him see that despite our unusual circumstances, we belong together!” Justin yelled in frustration.

“Good,” Clair said softly.

“And besides…what did you say?”

“I said good. I’m sorry Justin, but I really was worried about Brian. I’ve never heard him as upset as he was last night and I know that he’s really starting to care about you. I just wanted to make sure you were sure about your feelings for him,” she laughed.

“You mean you did that on purpose?”

“Yeah, don’t be mad. I’m only trying to protect my baby brother.”

Justin laughed at Clair’s admission. “How can I be mad at you for trying to protect the man I love? You actually had me believing that you were upset. So, I take it I passed the test?”

“With flying colors, Justin. Now why don’t you get some rest? I know you had a busy weekend and just got out of the hospital. I’m looking forward to meeting you in person during the holidays. Oh, and don’t let Brian push you away. I think you’re just what he needs to be happy.”

“Thanks Clair, I hope you’re right,” Justin sighed.

“I’m always right, sweetie. Take care and I’m sure I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Good night Clair,” Justin said before hanging up the phone. He couldn’t help but laugh at Clair and her plan. He was happy to know that Brian had someone like that in his corner. He fell asleep that night thinking about his future and praying that Brian would be a part of it.

For the next few weeks, Brian and Justin spent a lot of time together. They had the sleep over that Brian had promised, and quite a few after that, but sex had not been involved. Brian told Justin that he didn’t want to rush things and that when the time was right, he’d know it. Justin was frustrated with the distance Brian was keeping, but he promised to wait until Brian was ready and he refused to go back on that promise.

Christmas Eve finally rolled around and Justin and Gus were spending the night at the loft since they were leaving early the next morning to go to Clair’s house. Justin tried not to think about how different this Christmas was compared to the last. He still had no contact with his family and that hurt, but he knew it was time to move on and put the past behind him. He still saw Dr. Houser every week at Brian’s insistence and was going to start looking for a job after the New Year. Brian also insisted on paying for Justin to attend school the following September. Negotiations for a payment plan were still underway since Justin refused to allow Brian to support him, but they knew that they’d work something out.

They were sitting in front of the small tree that Justin had insisted Brian buy and Gus was asleep, when Justin decided to say what was on his mind.

“Brian, I just want to say thank you for everything you’ve done for me. God knows where I would be without you. This could have been the worst Christmas of my life, but thanks to you it’s the best.”

“Then I guess I don’t have to give you the present I bought you,” Brian teased.

“You bought me a present? I thought we agreed not to give each other anything since I’m not working and don’t have any money?” Justin said, glaring at Brian.

“Relax, it’s nothing extravagant. In fact, I think it only cost me a couple of dollars.” Brian stood up and retrieved a small box from the drawer in his desk. He sat back down and took Justin back into his arms before handing it to him. “I’ll understand if you’re not ready for it.”

Justin looked at Brian curiously before slowly tearing off the paper and opening the box. “A key?”

“Yeah, it’s a key to the loft. I figured that everyone should have a key to their home,” Brian said quietly.

“You…mean…”

“I want you to move in with me,” Brian explained.

“Are you sure?” Justin asked with tears in his eyes.

“I think it’s time, don’t you?”

Justin threw his arms around Brian, overcome with emotions. “Thank you, Brian. I love you. This really is the best Christmas ever.”

“I love you too, Justin. Merry Christmas.”


The End
9/02/04

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