Secret Love

Part 4

September rolled around pretty quickly and Justin was overwhelmed with settling into to the dorms and the start of classes. PIFA was a tough school and Justin seemed to be spending more time studying than anything else, including spending time with Brian. They talked on the phone at least once a day, but Justin usually spent the night alone in his dorm room. His roommate seemed cool, but Justin was a little leery about coming out to him right away. He was definitely a jock and always talked about football and hockey. Brian agreed to be discreet for awhile to give the roommates’ time to get to know each other before Justin outed himself, but that just made it harder for them to see each other. Brian had shown up at the dorms on occasion, but their need to touch each other was so strong that they kept the visits to a minimum for fear of giving themselves away.

The Michael problem had eased up a bit since Justin wasn’t living at home anymore, but he still felt a little awkward when his brother was around. Since he was so busy with classes and his small web site business, it was easy to keep his distance, but he hated having to do it.

Justin was sitting on his bed on a Friday night around the end of the month reading through his Art History book when his roommate came rushing through the door.

“Get your shoes on roomy, we were just invited to a party,” Darren called out as he started searching through his drawers for a more suitable shirt.

“Sorry Darren, but I have a lot of studying to do,” Justin replied as he watched the frantic search going on before him.

“Oh come on, you’re always studying. It’s time you got out and did something fun for a change,” Darren insisted.

“I do fun things,” Justin said defensively. “I was out last weekend.”

“That was the weekend before, and this is different. People around here are starting to call you anti-social. You need to mingle with your fellow school mates occasionally,” Darren replied. “You can even bring your boyfriend.”

“I just…my what?” Justin asked incredulously when Darren’s words sunk in.

“Please Justin; do you think I’m stupid? I’ve only seen Brian a couple of times but anyone with eyes can see that you’re into each other. It’s cool, man. This is an art school, remember? Half the students enrolled are gay. Me? I lean more towards the straight side, but I’ve been known to experiment on occasion,” Darren told him with a chuckle. “So give Brian a call and tell him to get that gorgeous ass of his over here pronto so we can go. Half the guys at the party are gay.”

Justin was shocked. He’d wanted to come out to Darren since the day they met, but he wasn’t sure how to approach the subject. Being openly gay was something that he was more than used to because of being raised as a Novotny, but he also grew up in the gay community. He took the don’t ask, don’t tell approach on campus, mainly because he was afraid of living in hell if he ended up with a homophobic roommate. Apparently that wasn’t the case. He stared at Darren wordlessly as he reached for his cell phone and called Brian.

“Hey Justin, what’s up? I thought you had studying to do?” Brian asked when he answered the phone.

“There’s been a change of plans. Can you be here in fifteen minutes?” Justin asked.

“Uh…okay. Is everything alright?”

“Yeah,” Justin replied, smiling at Darren. “Everything’s great.”

Justin listened to Brian as he promised to be there quickly then hung up and closed his book. He started feeling incredibly guilty for hiding himself from Darren.

“Look, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I just wasn’t sure how’d you react.”

“It’s no problem. I understand. Are you out to your family?” Darren asked curiously.

Justin couldn’t hold back his bark of laughter. “My mother owns a diner on Liberty Avenue, my uncle died of AIDS before I met him, and my older brother is gay. Yeah, I’m out to my family.”

“You’re a lucky guy. My best friend in high school was thrown out of his house when his parents found out he was gay,” Darren said, suddenly looking a little sad. “I still have a hard time believing that people are treated badly because they’re different. It’s not like anyone can help who they love. Shit, no one treats my sister any differently because she fell in love with an asshole. I’d rather see her with a really great woman then the bastard she’s with.”

“Hey, you don’t have to tell me. My mother is like the queen mother to all of Liberty. She’s always counseling gay youth on what to do when they’re tossed out on the streets. Growing up with her was an adventure. I sometimes wonder what would’ve happened to me if my real parents were alive.” Justin had pretty much kept his personal life to himself since school started, but knowing that Darren was okay with his sexuality made him want to share.

“Your real parents? Your mother’s not your mother?”

“No, my parents were killed in a car accident when I was three. Debbie Novotny adopted me soon after that. I don’t really remember them. I have a few pictures, but that’s it. Debbie and Michael took me in and gave me all the love that I needed, though. I usually don’t even think about the fact that we’re not related.”

“If she adopted you, how come you’re not Justin Novotny?”

“Mom said it was because she didn’t want to take away the only thing I still had from my parents. She let me keep their name.” Justin was still smiling, but he felt tears burning behind his eyes. Although he was very happy with his life, there were times when he couldn’t help getting emotional talking about Craig and Jennifer Taylor. Luckily, before he had a chance to get too emotional there was a soft knock on the door and Brian walked in.

“Fast enough for you?” he asked with a smile. “Now what are these change of plans?”

“Dude, I’ve been trying to get Blondie here to have more fun. No one likes the shy studious type. We’ve got a killer party to attend. Now let’s get a move on. It’s off campus at the apartment building down the street.”

Brian watched Darren as he grabbed his jacket and walked out leaving him and Justin alone.

“A party? I thought you didn’t want us to be seen together too much just yet?” Brian asked.

“Well apparently we haven’t been as discreet as I thought. When I tried to refuse, Darren told me to call my boyfriend. He said half the campus is gay and so are half the people at the party,” Justin explained as he walked up and put his arms around Brian’s shoulders.

“An art school with gay students? Who would’ve thought?” Brian laughed.

“I know, I know…it was stupid of me to worry so much. I guess that being raised on Liberty made me feel a little weird being anywhere else. But according to Darren, I’m becoming anti-social so I guess it’s time to come out of the closet. Now let’s go before Darren comes back and drags us out of here. I’ll explain the rest to you later.”

The party turned out to be better than Brian and Justin expected and by the time they made it back to the dorm they were both feeling a little tipsy. Since Darren had driven them and he wasn’t ready to leave, they walked back to the campus hand in hand. After stumbling and laughing their way up to Justin’s room, they collapsed on the bed in a fit of giggles.

“Okay, let me get this straight. Darren claims to be more into girls, but he experiments occasionally with gay sex?”

“Yeah, I mean…I guess so. That’s what he said earlier and by the way he had his tongue down Steve’s throat, I think he was telling the truth,” Justin laughed.

“Poor guy,” Brian sighed.

“What? Why?”

“Justin, I can’t decide on a pair of shoes in the morning. I can’t even imagine how hard it would be to try and decide between pussy and cock,” Brian explained.

Justin giggled over Brian’s philosophy. “Luckily for you, that’s not a choice you have to make. You’re definitely a cock man.”

“Yeah, and I’ve become rather attached to one specific cock lately,” Brian replied as he reached over and grabbed Justin’s crotch.

Justin felt the familiar jolt from Brian’s touch, but pushed aside the urge to jump on him. “Brian, did you ever think that we’d end up here?”

“Well I knew that you’d come out to Darren one day so I figured I’d end up spending a night or two here.”

“Bri, don’t be an ass. You know what I’m talking about,” Justin replied.

“Justin, I never planned on getting involved with anybody so how could I have known I’d end up here with you?” Brian said, realizing that Justin was serious. “But if you think about it, it sort of makes sense in a way.”

“How do you figure that?”

“Well, neither of us really believed in anything more than a one night stand because to be in a relationship you have to open up to another person. You have to trust them with your life. We already had that. We’ve trusted each other for years. I’ve shared more with you than anyone; even Mikey. Since we’re obviously attracted to each other, I think it’s only natural for us to fall into something that we never planned on falling into.”

Justin thought about Brian’s response for a minute before replying. “I guess I just get scared sometimes.”

“Why?”

“Because things are good between us. They’re too good. I’m scared to death that something’s going to happen to take it all away. Then I not only lose a relationship with someone I care about, but I lose my best friend, too. I think that’s why I’m so adamant about keeping this between us right now. As long as no one knows, it’s almost as if it isn’t real. I don’t want to do anything to hurt you, but sometimes I think that it would be better if we stopped seeing each other and let things go back to the way they were.” Justin felt the dampness around his eyes and fought the urge to release his tears.

“Look Justin,” Brian replied hesitantly. “I can’t force you into this. If you really want out all you have to do is say the word and it’s over. I don’t know what else to say to you. I can’t tell you what the future holds. All I can do is promise you that I won’t intentionally hurt you. It’s all I have to offer. The question is…is it enough?”

“It’s gonna have to be,” Justin said softly, his tears finally winning the struggle and silently running down his face. “Because I think I’m falling in love with you.”

“Shhh, come here,” Brian murmured, pulling Justin into his arms. “I think I’m falling for you, too. And it scares the hell out of me. Just keep telling yourself the same thing I’ve been telling myself and it will make it a little easier.”

“And what’s that?”

“That at least I have my best friend right by my side to help me through it,” Brian whispered.

All thoughts of sex had disappeared between them as they lie together in each other’s arms and fell asleep.

After their talk, Justin began to feel a little bit better about their blossoming relationship. Since Darren and some of their other friends knew about Brian, he also felt a lot more comfortable in his new surroundings. He still had a lot of studying to do, but now he felt secure having Brian over on the nights he was too bogged down to go out. Fall gave way to winter and winter to spring and soon it had been nine months since they first began exploring their feelings. Almost everyone on campus knew who Brian was and he and Justin’s relationship had continued to grow more and more as time went on. In fact, Justin’s finest Christmas memory was of Brian saying “I love you” with complete certainty. Since then they never said goodbye without adding their “I love you’s”.

The only stumbling block was their fear of the family finding out. Somehow they managed to keep Michael, Debbie, and Liberty Avenue in the dark about their relationship. There were times when Justin thought that his mother sensed something, but she never said a word about it and he was so relieved. Justin wasn’t so worried about her reaction as much as he was worried about Michael’s. He was still acting a little creepy when they were together. There were even a couple of instances where they were all dancing at Babylon and Michael got a little too close for Justin’s liking. Brian noticed his boyfriend’s discomfort and always found a way to intervene, but it still unnerved him.

In fact that was why when Brian called to ask Justin to go to Woody’s and then Babylon early one day, he chose to stay home and study. Brian had already promised to go with Michael and couldn’t get out of it, so he went alone telling Michael that he hadn’t been able to get a hold of him.

As they were sitting at the bar having a drink, Brian sensed there was something on his friend’s mind and knew he needed to find out what it was.

“Okay, are you going to tell me who pissed on your corn flakes this morning?”

“Huh? Oh, sorry Brian,” Michael replied. “I just have something on my mind.”

“Well why don’t you tell me about it? Maybe I can help,” Brian offered as he signaled the bartender for another round. He waited for Michael to say something, but when he remained silent, Brian really started to worry. “Hey, I know I’ve been pretty busy trying to prove myself at the office and we haven’t seen each other much lately, but we’re still friends, right? You can tell me anything.”

“I think Justin is seeing someone,” Michael blurted out. He never told anyone how he felt about Justin before, but he needed to talk to someone and Brian was there offering to listen to him.

Brian silently cursed under his breath. As stupid as it was, he really didn’t think that Justin was the reason his friend was so upset. He’d have to tread carefully. “So? He’s eighteen years old and a college freshman. He should be seeing someone by now. What difference does it make to you?”

“You don’t understand. I…I’m in love with him,” Michael admitted softly.

“You’re what?” Brian exclaimed without thinking. He and Justin talked about the possibility of Michael lusting after him, but neither of them ever considered his feelings being so strong. “What do you mean you’re in love with him?”

“Come on Brian, I know you don’t believe in love but I’m sure you understand the whole concept, right?” Michael replied angrily. He hadn’t expected that kind of reaction from Brian.

“Mikey, I’m not an idiot. I know what you mean by being in love. I just meant how can you be in love with Justin? He’s like your brother for Christ’s sake. That’s almost like incest.”

“We’re not related by blood so it’s nothing like incest. Besides, why wouldn’t I fall in love with him? He’s gorgeous, funny, talented, caring. I’ve felt this way for awhile now. I wanted to talk to him about it, but the timing was never right. Then he moved out and I don’t see him that much anymore. Now I think it might be too late. Has he said anything to you about a boyfriend?”

“Umm…if he hasn’t said anything to you…why…uh…would you think he said anything to me?” Brian stammered, feeling the guilt wash over him in waves.

“I don’t know. I know that you guys are pretty close, too. I just thought that it might have come up in conversation. What am I going to do?”

Brian wasn’t sure how to respond to that. He obviously couldn’t tell Michael about their relationship under the circumstances. It would crush the man. Yet encouraging him was out of the question, too. He’d have to just tell a version of the truth and hope that would be enough. “I think he might have mentioned something about a guy,” Brian began carefully.

“I knew it!” Michael exclaimed as he pounded his fist on the bar, nearly knocking over his drink. “Who is he? Does he go to PIFA, too? Is it serious? Why hasn’t he mentioned it to anyone before? Does Ma know?”

Brian cringed at the barrage of questions Michael was throwing at him. Maybe telling him wasn’t such a good idea. “Look Mikey, it’s not my place to telling you anything about Justin’s life. If he hasn’t told you or Debbie, I’m sure there’s a reason.”

“But if he told you…”

Before Michael had a chance to finish, Brian’s cell phone went off and he couldn’t help but sigh in relief. He pulled it out of the pocket and glanced at the caller ID. It was Justin.

“Hello?”

“Hey, it’s me. I’ve been sitting here feeling a little guilty for not meeting up with you guys. I was thinking about heading down and wanted to see where you were. I’m getting ready to walk out the door now,” Justin said when he heard Brian’s voice.

“What do you mean there’s a problem with the boards?” Brian asked, hoping that Justin would pick up on his subtle hint that he couldn’t talk.

“Huh? Brian, what are you talking about?”

“Look Kevin, Ryder needs those ready for an 8:00 meeting on Monday. Why don’t you stay where you are and I’ll come to you? We can work out our problem when I get there,” Brian replied as he stood up from his bar stool.

“Uh oh,” Justin mumbled as he realized what Brian was doing. “Obviously there’s a problem?”

“Yeah, a big problem. I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.” Brian didn’t wait for a response. Instead he grabbed his coat off the stool and tossed some money on the bar and headed towards the door, calling out to his friend as he went. “I’m sorry Mikey, but this can’t wait. I’ll call you.”

It took less than fifteen to get to Justin’s dorm and he found the blond waiting outside for him, looking very anxious.

“What’s going on?” he asked as soon as Brian was within earshot.

“Is Darren here?”

“No, he’s out on a date,” Justin told him.

“Good, let’s go inside. We’ve got a serious problem,” Brian replied as he grabbed Justin’s hand and dragged him inside. As soon as they were in the room, Brian told him all about his conversation with Michael, watching his pale skin go even paler that normal.

“He…he’s…in love…with me?” Justin stammered. “You can’t be serious. Please tell me you’re joking.”

“I wish I could,” Brian sighed. “I felt like such a shit listening to him talking about your boyfriend knowing it was me.”

“What the fuck are we going to do now? Brian, this is bad. Really, really bad,” Justin groaned as he lay back on his bed and closed his eyes. His mind was racing with so many thoughts, none of them good.

“We’re going to have to tell him,” Brian said softly.

“We can’t tell him. He’ll be crushed,” Justin replied.

“What other choice do we have?” Brian asked. “Unless you want to stop seeing each other.”

“No!” Justin exclaimed, sitting up suddenly and causing Brian to jump. “I’m not going to lose you because of Michael. There’s got to be something else we can do.”

“Well, I was thinking about it on the way over and I think you should talk to your mom. She’ll know what we should do. She knows Mikey better than anybody,” Brian said as he placed a comforting hand on Justin’s leg. “We were going to have to tell her eventually. Now seems like the perfect time.”

Justin sighed as he thought about telling his mother about Brian. He had no doubt that she’d be happy for them, but he was worried about her reaction when she found out about Michael. She was his mother, his biological mother, and he knew she’d do anything in her power to protect him. What would he do if she wanted him to stop seeing Brian? After everything she’d done for him, how could he refuse her if she asked?

“Hey,” Brian said when he got no response from Justin. “It’s going to be okay. We’ll work it all out. I promise.”

Justin looked at Brian and smiled. “I love you.”

“Me, too,” Brian replied softly.

Justin still felt butterflies in his stomach every time he heard Brian admit to loving him, but a part of him couldn’t shake the feeling that something bad was about to happen. Something that could change their lives forever.


End of part 4
01/20/06

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