Fighting Regrets

Chapter 1

Plot bunny from Judy (lovesqaf)

Brian was sitting at the bar in Woody’s thinking about what Lindsay had proposed when he noticed the cute blond that sat down beside him. The kid looked to be about twelve and Brian couldn’t help but chuckle to himself. He remembered the days of fake ID’s and sneaking into the bars. When the blond ordered a shot of beam and a Corona, Brian couldn’t help but comment.

“A little young for the hard stuff, aren’t ya?” he teased as he ordered another shot for himself.

“I have an ID that says I’m not, so what’s it to you?” Justin snapped.

“My, my, aren’t we defensive,” Brian laughed as he downed his beam.

Justin followed suit and did the same before replying. “Sorry, I guess I’m a little on edge. My parents just found out I’m gay and they didn’t take it too well. I’m here to drown out the sounds of my father claiming that he couldn’t possibly have a gay son.”

“Ah, that would be why I never told my parents that I was gay. That and it’s none of their business anyway,” Brian said with a sigh, imagining his mother in mass every day praying for his soul and his father drunk every night if they knew.

“But they’re your parents. Don’t you think they have a right to know who their son is?” Justin asked.

“Fuck that. They live their lives and I live mine. It’s worked well all these years. Besides, as long as I send them a check every month to help cover their expenses, they couldn’t care less what I do,” Brian replied bitterly. “Now how about I buy you another shot?”

Justin sensed that the man beside him didn’t want to discuss family so he nodded his head and waited while Brian ordered another two shots of beam for them. “I’m Justin, by the way.”

“Well, here’s to you and you’re honesty, Justin.” Brian said, raising his shot and downing the amber liquid.

Justin watched the man take his shot and couldn’t help but notice his striking good looks. With men like that on the earth, it’s no wonder that Justin was gay. He drank his shot, giggling inside at his thoughts.

A few hours later, Brian and Justin were both feeling no pain and teamed up at the pool table to kick the asses of anyone who was brave enough to take them on. After winning six consecutive games, Justin had had enough of the game and was ready to leave. He pulled Brian aside to say good night.

“Well it’s been fun, but I better get out of here. I have graduation rehearsal tomorrow and it’s going to be a bitch with the hang over I’m probably going to have.”

“College graduation?” Brian asked, knowing that there was no way Justin was old enough for that.

“Not quite. High school; I’m a senior at Saint James Academy,” Justin admitted sheepishly.

“I figured. How about I give you a ride home?” Brian offered as he grabbed his jacket off the bar stool.

“That’s okay. I’m staying at a friend’s house tonight and I can’t go in there stumbling. Her parents would kill me if they found me drunk. The walk would do me some good,” Justin explained as they walked out of the bar together.

“Well, you have another option if you’re interested. You could always come back to my loft. There’s no one there to smell your breath,” Brian laughed, enjoying the surprised look on Justin’s face.

“Your loft?” Justin asked incredulously. “You mean…”

“What’s the matter? Oh, let me guess. You’re a virgin,” Brian stated with a smile.

“No I’m not, actually. I’ve just never gone home with someone I don’t know,” Justin corrected quickly. He looked up into Brian’s eyes and instantly hardened at the thought of being alone with the man in front of him. “You never even told me your name.”

“My name’s Brian. Remember it, cause you’ll be calling it out later. Now let’s go.” Brian headed towards his jeep, confident that Justin would follow. He may be young, but after watching his perfect ass leaning across the pool table all night, age didn’t matter.

Justin watched Brian walk away and hesitated for a moment before following him. He was a little nervous about going home with a stranger, but not enough to pass up the opportunity to be with someone so beautiful.

The ride to the loft was made in silence while each man thought about what lie ahead. Brian was anxious to relieve himself of the hard on he’d been sporting all night long while Justin was just looking for some kind of release. It had been two months since he and Jared broke up and his hand was not exactly enough for him. As they pulled up outside what appeared to be Brian’s building, Justin reached into his pocket and pulled out his cell phone. If he didn’t call Daphne and let her know he was okay she’d be calling him in a panic by three am. He felt Brian’s eyes on him while he made the call.

“Hey Daph, it’s me. I’m not going to be staying at your place tonight. Something came up.” As he listened to Daphne start in on twenty questions about where he was going and what he was doing, he felt Brian’s hand reach over and start massaging his crotch. “Listen, I’m fine. I’ll call you in the morning.”

Justin quickly turned off his phone moments before Brian pulled him into a passionate kiss. Before he even had time to respond, he felt Brian pull away and watched him climb out of the jeep. Justin took a deep breath before following Brian out of the jeep and into the building. The ride up to the top floor seemed to take forever and Justin’s mind raced with all the possible reasons that he shouldn’t be there in the first place, but none of them outweighed the reason he was there. To be fucked by the most beautiful man he’d ever seen. He suddenly realized that the elevator had stopped and Brian was already out and standing by the door of his loft.

“Are you going to stand in there all night or are you coming inside?” Brian teased as he unlocked the door.

Justin blushed at being caught daydreaming and followed Brian inside. He was surprised by what he saw. From the outside and the appearance of the elevator, Justin never expected to walk into such a gorgeous place. “Wow, this is some place.”

“It does the job. Would you like something to drink?” Brian tossed his jacket onto the couch and headed into the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of water out of the fridge.

“No thanks, I’m good,” Justin replied as he walked around the room looking at the art work that was hanging on the walls. One piece in particular stood out in the room. As Justin stared at the painting, Brian came up behind him and wrapped his arms around him.

“See something you like?” Brian asked huskily in Justin’s ear.

“Where did you get this painting?”

“How about if we fuck first and talk about art later?” Brian replied, spinning Justin around and devouring his mouth while he began taking off Justin’s clothes.

All thoughts left Justin’s mind as he mimicked Brian’s movements and began shedding the older man’s clothes. Art was the last thing on either man’s mind.

 

&&&&&

After an intense orgasm, Brian pulled out of Justin and disposed of the condom while Justin reached over and grabbed some tissues to clean himself with.

“That was…wow,” Justin said as he lay back on the bed.

“Articulate after sex, aren’t you?” Brian joked as he lit a cigarette and lay back along side Justin.

“Not after something like that,” Justin teased back. He really enjoyed the easy banter that the two of them shared. “Now, tell me where you got the painting.”

“Let me guess. You’re going to be an art major, aren’t you? I bought it at an art show at the GLC. My friend Lindsay was running it for charity and insisted that I go. I liked the painting so I bought it; my way of giving back to the community, or so she says.”

“Lindsay? Lindsay Peterson?” Justin asked in surprise.

“Yeah, you know Lindsay?”

“Not too well, but I met her at the GLC. That painting you bought was one of my pieces that I donated for the charity art show,” Justin explained.

“No shit. You’re pretty good since I only buy the best,” Brian said by way of praise. He really did like the painting.

“Thanks. How’s Lindsay doing? I haven’t seen her since the show. She’s such a sweetheart.”

“Normally I would agree with you, but she’s not on my most favorite list right now,” Brian replied sarcastically. Seeing the confusion in Justin’s eyes, Brian decided to share his dilemma, although he wasn’t sure why. Normally he’s known for kicking tricks out the minute he gets off, but for some reason he liked Justin and was enjoying his company. “She asked me to donate my sperm for her so she can have a kid. She claims it’s the hardest part of being a lesbian. I would think that having to go down on a woman would be the hardest part.”

Justin laughed at the disgusted look on Brian’s face at the mention of going down on a woman. “Wow, so are you going to do it? I bet you’d make a great dad.”

“Me? You’ve got to be kidding. That wouldn’t be part of the deal. I told her I had no desire to be a father. If I agree to do this, I’m just a donor; nothing more.”

“But how could you have a child and not be part of his or her life?” Justin’s one regret of being gay is that he wouldn’t have children. He loved kids and always wanted a few of his own.

“It’s simple. I jack off in a cup, hand it off to Lindsay and that’s the end of it. I’m not cut out to be a father and have no desire to even try.” Just thinking about what he went through as a child was enough to make him turn Lindsay down immediately, but unfortunately she always had a way of getting him to do what he didn’t want to do so he pretty much agreed to her request. “Now, I’m going to go take a shower. If you’d like to join me, there’s a little something in it for you.”

“Little my ass,” Justin laughed as he climbed off the bed. “But I’m right behind you.”

Nothing more was said between them about Lindsay or the possible baby as they lost themselves in each other for the second time that night.


6 Months later…

Brian was sitting in the loft waiting for Justin to get off work so that they could go see the new Johnny Depp movie. He still thought it was strange how close the two of them had become in the last six months. Justin had hinted about a relationship early on, but Brian put a stop to his thoughts immediately. Aside from the fourteen year age difference, Brian didn’t do relationship. He also didn’t do repeats which is why they hadn’t fucked since that first night. It wasn’t easy for Brian to see that ass on a regular basis and not have a taste of it, but there was no way that he was going to break his rules for anyone. Life was easier with his one fuck only policy. He’d seen other people get caught up in the relationship bullshit and it wasn’t something that he had a desire to do. Besides, growing up in the Kinney household taught him that saying I love you only lead to heartache and black eyes. No, he’d leave the love shit for Justin and those like him. No excuses, no apologies, no regrets. Those were his words to live by and he was happy with the way his life was turning out.

He was just about to walk out the door when the phone rang. Brian hesitated for a moment, but then sighed as he walked over and answered it.

“What,” he barked into the receiver.

“Uh…Mr. Kinney?” the nervous voice asked.

“Yes?”

“Hello, this is Kevin Grayson from the Townsend Agency. I’m calling about your resume we received a few months back. We’d like to see if you’re still interested in the position and possibly set up a meeting at your convenience,” Kevin explained.

It took Brian a moment to understand what was being said to him. Marty Ryder had sold the agency that Brian had worked for since he graduated from Penn State to an asshole about four months ago, so Brian had sent his resume out to several agencies across the country. Since then, Brian had found his new boss to be tolerable and had forgotten all about his search. Apparently the Townsend Agency hadn’t. “And exactly where are you located?” he asked. He’d sent out so many resumes that he wasn’t sure which one was which.

“We’re located in San Diego. I’m aware that it would be a hike for you to come out for a meeting, but Mr. Townsend is willing to pay your expenses. He’s very anxious to meet with you as soon as possible,” Kevin assured him.

It only took Brian a moment to make up his mind. “Sure, I’ll meet with Mr. Townsend. I have some connections at Liberty Air. I’ll look into getting a flight out on Monday morning.”

“That would be great, Mr. Kinney. Let me give you my cell phone number. When you have the flight worked out, give me a call and I’ll set up the rest.”

Once Brian took the information and promised to call, he hung up and dialed Justin’s number. He answered on the second ring.

“Hey Brian, what’s up?”

“Something came up so I’m going to be a little late picking you up. We’re going to have to go to the later show,” Brian explained as he booted up the computer. He wanted to look into flights before he went out.

“Oh, okay. That’s not a problem. It will give me more time to shower and wind down from my shift. So I’ll see you about nine?”

“Yeah, that should be good. Later.”

“Later,” Justin replied, curious as to what had come up. He was happy with the friendship that he and Brian had built, but a part of him still wished for something more. Brian had used the excuse, that aside from his I don’t do relationships mantra, Justin was too young to even think about settling down. Justin didn’t agree, but knew if he pushed he wouldn’t even have their friendship so he bit his tongue and let things happen. There were a few times when he thought that Brian was going to cross the bounds and break his one fuck only policy, but that didn’t happen. Well, Justin was a patient man and he would just have to wait and see what the future held. Now that Lindsay was two months pregnant, Brian had a reason to grow up. He still insisted that he wasn’t going to be a father to the baby, but surely that would change once Brian saw his son or daughter for the first time. No one could resist a baby, right?

 

&&&&&
 

Brian was sitting on the plane on his way back to the Pitts when reality set in. He was moving to San Diego. The offer from Townsend was too good to pass up. He was going in as a junior partner with the promise of a full partnership after the second year provided that Brian proved his worth. He knew that wouldn’t be a problem. He was the best and planned to show the Townsend Agency just how good he was. He thought briefly about how Justin and Lindsay were going to react when they heard the news, but pushed those thoughts out of his mind. He had to do what was best for him no matter what anyone else thought.

The next two weeks were a whirlwind of activity. Brian gave his notice to Gardner Vance immediately and put his loft on the market. He hadn’t told Justin or Lindsay his plans, which wasn’t easy since his entire loft was filled with boxes. It was getting hard to come up with excuses on why they couldn’t go to the loft and Brian knew his time was running out. On the night before he was due to leave, he summonsed them both to the loft, telling them he had some news to share. They arrived at the loft at the same time, and chuckled at their timing as they rode the elevator together.

“So what do you think he wants to tell us?” Justin asked as he nervously awaited the news. For some reason he had a bad feeling about what he was about to hear.

“I’m not sure. This is all so mysterious, even for Brian. He’s been acting pretty strange for the last couple of weeks,” Lindsay said, voicing her concern.

As the elevator stopped on Brian’s floor, Justin sighed. “Well, I guess we’re about to find out.”

Justin used the key that Brian had given him and entered the loft hesitantly, calling out to the man as he went. “Brian?”

Brian walked down the steps of the bedroom and immediately noticed the look of shock and confusion on Justin and Lindsay’s face. He gave them a moment to let the appearance of the almost empty loft to sink in.

“Brian, what’s going on?” Lindsay asked, recovering from the shock first. “Are you moving?”

Brian took a deep breath before answering. “That’s what I wanted to tell you both. I’ve been offered a new position at one of the biggest advertising firms in the country. It was too good an offer to pass up, so I took it. I’m starting on Monday.”

“Well that’s great Brian, but what does that have to do with the loft?” Justin asked as a feeling of dread set in.

“The job is in San Diego.”

Tears immediately sprang to Lindsay’s eyes as the implication of what Brian was saying set in. “You’re moving to California? But what about us? What about the baby?”

“Linds, there are phones and email so we can stay in touch. And I already told you that I wasn’t going to be a father to the baby, remember? I’m just the donor,” Brian explained as gently as he could.

“But I thought…I just assumed…” Lindsay stammered.

“What? That I would change my mind? I meant what I said Linds. I’m not cut out to be a father. The kid will be better of without me anyway. This is the opportunity of a lifetime. You know I’ve always wanted to get out of the Pitts. This job will make me the success that I’ve always wanted to be.”

Lindsay couldn’t stand there and listen to him anymore. Her heart was breaking at the thought of losing her best friend, but aside from that she felt betrayed by the way she was being told; like she was nothing more than an acquaintance. “Well, enjoy California and have a great life!” With that, she spun around and stormed out of the door she had just walked through moments before, holding back her sobs as she by-passed the elevator and took the stairs.

Brian watched Lindsay run out and wished there was something he could say to her to make her understand, but he knew it was pointless. She was pissed, but she’d get over it. Turning back around, he was startled by the look of anger on Justin’s face. “I guess you’re pissed at me, too huh?”

“I’d better go,” Justin said in a cold voice.

“That’s it? You don’t have anything to say?”

Justin was half way to the door when he heard Brian’s words, which set off the wave of anger he was trying to hold back. If Brian wanted to know what he was thinking, then far be it from him to refuse.

“What the fuck would you like me to say? That you’re a selfish asshole who only thinks about himself?”

“I’m selfish because I want to further my career and moving away is the only way to do that?” Brian threw back at him, angered by Justin’s response.

“You know what? If you think that’s the reason we’re pissed off, then I’m not going to even bother trying to explain it all to you.” Once again Justin tried to walk out, but was stopped by Brian’s hand grabbing him by the arm. “Get your fucking hands off me!”

“Not until you tell me exactly what it is that I did wrong,” Brian said, loosening his grip slightly.

Justin pulled his arm from Brian’s grasp, but made no move to leave again. “Did it ever occur to you that Lindsay might need you? She’s going through a lot right now carrying your child. The least you could’ve done was stick around and support her. She’s going to be giving birth to your son or daughter in seven months and you’re not even going to be in the same time zone!”

“Wait a fucking minute here! I told her…and you from day one that I wasn’t going to be a father to the baby. Why is this such a shock?”

“Yeah, we know. The great Brian Kinney doesn’t do love, doesn’t do relationships, and doesn’t do children. Is there anything I’m forgetting?” Justin spat.

“Yeah, he also doesn’t appreciate being verbally attacked for making a smart decision based on what’s best for his future! Lindsay’s a big girl and she can take care of herself. I’m not her boyfriend or yours for that matter, so I’m not obligated to check with either one of you before making decisions that affect my life. Truthfully, what I chose to do is none of your business!” Brian exclaimed angrily.

“You know what, Brian? Go fuck yourself!” With that, Justin stormed out of the loft, following the same path Lindsay took down the stairs, leaving Brian alone to finish up the last of his packing and anxiously await the beginning of his new life.

 

Two years later…

Justin sat alone in the empty room, thinking back over how his life had changed in the last two years. After Brian’s sudden departure from Pittsburgh, Justin spent his time consoling Lindsay and helping her through her pregnancy. He’d grown quite fond of her in the months that he’d been friends with Brian and wanted to help her through her ordeal. The pregnancy was a hard one and Lindsay had to spend the last two months on bed rest. Justin had moved into her house, helping out in between his classes at PIFA. By the time little Gus was born, both Justin and Lindsay had become dependant on each other and a strong bond had been formed. Originally, it was decided that Justin would just stay until after the baby was born, but it turned out to be a more permanent arrangement after the baby arrived. Justin fell in love with Gus immediately and was more than content to stick around and help out with the middle of the night feeding and diaper changes.

Neither one of them ever talked to Brian again. About two weeks after his move, he had called Lindsay’s house and left his number on the answering machine, but the anger and betrayal that they both felt was too strong for them to put it aside and forgive him for walking out on them. After awhile, too much time had passed and it seemed ridiculous for them to even bother calling. Brian was obviously enjoying his new life and Lindsay and Justin were doing just fine without him. They had agreed that if Brian wanted to talk to them bad enough, he knew where they were. Apparently, he didn’t.

Justin still occasionally wondered if they had made the right decision, but it was too late now. Too much had happened and now nothing would ever be the same. He silently rose from where he was sitting and walked to the front of the room. He stared at the casket before him and allowed a few tears to escape as he tried to find a way to say good bye to his best friend. He knew the day he’d met Lindsay at the GLC that she was someone special. It was in the way she listened to people when they spoke to her, as if she genuinely cared about what they had to say. They used to laugh about how fate had brought them together at a time when they needed each other. Funny how fate intervened once again, only this time tearing them apart.

So many emotions were racing through Justin’s mind; so many thoughts threatening his sanity, but he needed to stay alert. He needed to keep it together because he had a son to raise. He still couldn’t believe that Lindsay had given him guardianship over Gus if something were to happen to her. He had been prepared to hand the little boy over to her parents with the request to allow him some kind of contact. He wanted to remain a part of his life and have a chance to watch him grow. He never imagined that he would be the one to raise him himself. Lindsay had never told him about that. If she had, he would have readily agreed, but she kept it a secret, probably assuming that it would never be an issue.

Sadly, due to a rainy night and a drunk driver, it was right in front of him. Lindsay’s parents had contacted him almost immediately and informed them of their daughter’s wishes. They were more than okay with her decision, stating that their advanced years would make it hard on them to raise a rambunctious toddler. The thought of being a single father terrified Justin, but excited him, too. He’d have a part of Lindsay with him forever and would be able to make sure that Gus grew up knowing how much his mother had loved him. It wasn’t going to be easy since Justin was getting ready to start his junior year at PIFA, but with his mother’s help he’d do it. He’d give Gus a good life and raise him the way Lindsay would have done herself if she had lived. He’d raise him with all the love that he had to give.

“Linds,” Justin whispered, fighting hard to control his emotions. “I don’t know if you can hear me, but I wanted to thank you for all that you’ve done for me. My life in the last couple of years has been wonderful, thanks to you and Gus. I wouldn’t trade a moment of it for the world. I’m still so overwhelmed with everything that’s happened in the last few days, but I don’t want you to worry. I’ll make sure that Gus has everything he’ll ever need. Thank you for entrusting me with your son. I promise I won’t let you down.”

“Mr. Taylor, people are starting to arrive.”

Justin turned around and nodded his head to the funeral director, indicating that it was okay to open the doors. Justin had said his good bye in peace and now it was time to let all those who had loved Lindsay say theirs as well.

By the end of the day Justin was exhausted. He had stood by Lindsay’s grave and watched them lower the casket in the ground, fighting the urge to run away from all the pain and misery. Now he sat alone in the house that they shared and wondered how he was going to go on. Gus was spending the night with his mother. The two had grown close over the years and he felt comfortable being in Justin’s childhood home. Jennifer was always eager to babysit for Lindsay in the past and Justin was thankful for that. It was going to make the transition easier for everyone involved. As he sat there, he stared at the envelope he held in his hand. It was a letter that Lindsay had written to him incase something had happened to her. Her lawyer had delivered it earlier in the day and Justin hadn’t found the courage to open it. He wasn’t sure how he was going to feel reading her words now that she was gone, but he didn’t have a choice. He needed to know what she was thinking.

He slowly turned the envelope over in his hand a few times before opening it carefully and pulling out the letter inside. Taking a deep breath, he began to read her thoughts through blurry vision.

Justin,

If you are reading this then it stands to reason that I’m no longer there with you. I’m sure by now that you know about the changes I made regarding Gus. I hope I’m not asking too much when I ask you to raise my son. I know how much you love him and how much he adores you. You’ve been like a father to him since the night he took his first breath, and now I’m asking you to make it legal. I want you to be his daddy in every sense of the word. I can rest in peace knowing that he has you to look out for him and teach him right from wrong. He needs someone strong and confident to lead him on from childhood to adulthood and if I can’t be that person, then I know that you can.

I love you, Justin. You’ve been my best friend and confidant, helping me to make the right decisions and our time together has meant the world to me. Now it’s time for me to say good bye. Take care of Gus for me. Kiss him every day and tell him it’s from his Mommy. Let him know that if I had a choice, I would still be there with him; with you both.

Please take care of yourself. Find that special someone that you deserve and live a wonderful life. I will be watching over you.

Love always,
Lindsay

Justin finally allowed himself to let go and began sobbing over the loss of his friend. She was too young, too special to have her life taken away by such a horrible accident, but life wasn’t fair. For one split second, Justin wondered if he should call Brian and tell him what happened, but he pushed that thought away. Brian deserted them two years earlier and never looked back. He lost the right to know anything about their lives on the day he left. Justin would do what Lindsay had asked him and raise her son, their son, as best as he could. Just as he stated on that dark cold night two years earlier, Brian Kinney could go fuck himself.


End of part one
02/05/05
 

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