Letting Go

Chapter 5

Justin quickly settled into his new life in Pittsburgh. He moved into his apartment, with the help of Brian and the gang, and started thinking about his future. The house in LA eventually sold and Justin banked the money to help him get through until he found a job. At first he started interviewing at numerous ad agencies and graphics companies, but he realized quickly that they really weren’t interested in anyone who didn’t have their college degree. He’d been just a few credits shy when Trevor became ill and never finished his classes. He knew by the reception he was getting that he’d have to go back to school.

Brian had offered him a job at Kinnetik, but he wanted to make something of himself on his own, without the help of his friends. So instead he checked into going to PIFA, the best art school on the east coast, and started doing freelance work on the side to help with expenses. It didn’t take long for his little side business to pick up. He knew that Brian was behind some of his clients, but he was okay with that. As far as he was concerned Brian may have gotten his name out there, but it was his talent that caused his clients to want his work. Taylor Designs was making a name for itself and Justin couldn’t be happier.

The only black cloud hanging over his head was his thoughts of Trevor. He missed the man all the time and still felt as if he had to be faithful to him. The few times that men tried to hit on him, either at Woody’s or Babylon, Justin politely refused. He knew it was foolish. Trevor wouldn’t want him to miss out on life just because he was gone. He just wasn’t ready to take the final step in putting the man he loved behind him.

It was about two weeks before classes were to begin and Justin was starting to get a little nervous. He wondered if he’d be good enough for the prestigious school even though Brian had assured him that they were lucky to have him. It was also about a week away from the anniversary of Trevor’s death and Justin felt himself slipping into a funk. The reminder of such a horrible time played heavily on his mind, causing him to spend a lot of time alone in his apartment. Brian kept asking him if he was okay, but Justin knew he couldn’t explain how he was feeling. No one would understand.

He was sitting home on a Friday feeling sorry for himself when he decided to go through the last few boxes that had been stored in the spare room. With Taylor Designs growing like it was, he wanted to actually set up an office to work in, instead of using the corner of the living room and his dining room table.

He worked through most of the morning, fighting away stray tears now and then as he rummaged through the boxes that held so many memories of his life with Trevor. He eventually decided to take a break and walked into the living room just as there was a knock on the door. He opened it to find a courier standing on the other side holding a large envelope.

“Justin Taylor?” he asked.

“That’s me,” Justin replied.

“I have a letter for you. I just need you to sign on line twenty three.”

Justin signed for the letter and took the envelope inside. He noticed the return address was the law office that handled Trevor’s estate and was confused by what they could want with him. He opened the envelope and reached inside, pulling out a smaller envelope. His breath caught in his throat at the sight of Trevor’s handwriting across the front. He managed to make it over to the couch before his knees buckled and sent him to the ground. There he sat; staring at the familiar scribble, trying to find the courage to read what was inside. He finally pulled out the sheets of paper and held on to them tightly as his hand shook. Taken a deep breath, he began to read what Trevor had written to him.

Dear Justin,

One of the nurses was kind enough to help me write this to you. Our time together is quickly coming to an end and there are a few things that I want you to know.

You have been the light of my life. I think about how the last few years would’ve been if I hadn’t met you and all I can think of is the loneliness I would’ve felt. You have given me so much love and affection through the years, and I hope that I was able to make you as happy as you’ve made me. Although our time was short, I wouldn’t change the direction it’s taking if it would’ve meant not having you with me. Yes, I would rather die young with you by my said then never to have known you at all. A little dramatic? Probably, but it’s how I feel.

I also want you to know how much I appreciate all you’ve done for me. I know I wouldn’t have made it as far as I have if not for you. Your love and support have given me such joy in my final days. Your selflessness has made me have faith in mankind again. A less caring person would’ve run the other way the moment I got sick, but not you. You stayed by my side through hell, putting your own life on hold to help make mine better. That’s a loyalty that too few people can claim.

Now I’ve instructed my lawyer on when I wanted this delivered to you so I know that I’ve been gone for almost a year. I hope you have managed to jump right back into the life of the living, but knowing you there’s still a part of you holding back. It’s time to move on. It’s time for you to say goodbye to our life together. It’s time for you to stop thinking about what we had and start focusing on what you need. I know we’ve spoken of this before, and I know that you refused at the time, but if you haven’t already I think it’s time for you to work things out with Brian.

I have to be honest with you. When I first learned that the chemo wasn’t working, I hired a private investigator to check into the infamous Brian Kinney. I wanted to know if he had grown up; if he was finally the man who could make you happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for you. My sources told me what I already knew deep down inside. That Brian had changed as soon as a certain blond kid moved away. He needed to set you free so that you could fly back to him. Now’s your chance. It’s time to fly back to where you belong. Where you’ve always belonged. What we had was amazing, but it wasn’t your destiny. Brian is and he’s waiting for you. All you have to do is reach out, grab him, and never let go. Be happy my love and know that you were the best thing that ever happened to me.

All my love,
Trevor

By the time Justin was finished reading, his body was wracked with sobs. He knew Trevor was right; it was time for him to let go. He just didn’t know how to do it. He didn’t know how to let go of the person he thought he’d spend the rest of his life with. Then there was Brian. Trevor had tried to get him to agree to go back and work things out with Brian, but he had refused. He claimed that he and Brian were over, but that wasn’t the reason for his hesitancy. He and Brian had been building a great friendship over the last year and he always felt the way Brian watched him with a look of longing when Brian thought he wasn’t looking. No, the reason for his hesitancy was that he was scared. Scared of taking a chance on Brian only to be hurt again in the end.

When he’d left Pittsburgh, his heart was shattered in tiny little pieces and he felt so hollow and empty inside. He never thought he’d get over the pain and rejection Brian caused him. Luckily he met Trevor and pretty soon after he was able to wake up in the morning without feeling so broken and alone. Even after Trevor’s death, he didn’t experience such feelings of despair. As sad and as heartbroken as he was, there was also that feeling of relief. That feeling of calm knowing that the man he loved wasn’t suffering anymore. No, Brian Kinney was the only man who was able to hurt him almost beyond repair. Wasn’t having his friendship more important than reaching out for more and losing it all in the end?

It was all too much. The memories and the pain and the confusion washed over Justin making it hard for him to breathe. Without thinking about anything except what he knew he needed to do, Justin walked over to the phone and called the airlines, booking a flight to LA. He’d be leaving in a few short hours.

*********

Brian spent the day trying desperately to concentrate on the work before him, but he couldn’t seem to focus on anything. The only thought in his mind was Justin. He’d been sad and distant for the last couple of weeks and Brian was becoming concerned. He knew that the anniversary of Trevor’s death was coming up and figured that was what had the blond so upset, but he wasn’t sure what to do about it. By the time seven o’clock rolled around, Brian sighed over the wasted day and head out of the office. He reached for his cell phone and called Justin, but got no answer at his apartment. He tried his cell, but it went right to voicemail, telling Brian that it had been turned off. With a sigh he headed towards the loft, hoping that he’d hear from the blond soon.

But he didn’t hear from him. All night long Brian called the apartment, never getting an answer. By morning he was really starting to worry and went over, banging on the door. Again, no answer. From there he went to the diner, hoping that Debbie or someone had heard from him, but none of the others had seen him. He had one last place to try. As he drove over to Jennifer’s house, it took everything he had to keep his mind from thinking of all the things that could’ve happened to him. By the time he knocked on the door, Brian was almost in a full blown panic.

“Brian, what’re you doing here?” Jennifer asked as soon as she opened the door. “Where’s Justin?”

“I was hoping you knew. I’ve been calling him since yesterday. He’s not answering his phone or his door. When was the last time you talked to him?” Brian asked as he stepped inside the house.

“Tuesday, I think. No wait, it was Wednesday. We talked about his classes. He was so excited to be going back to school. Maybe he’s just busy. Taylor Designs is going a lot better than he thought,” Jennifer suggested.

“I don’t think that’s it. Haven’t you noticed he’s been a little down lately? The anniversary of Trevor’s death is next week. I think it’s affecting him a lot more than he’s letting on. Look, here’s my card,” Brian said as he produced a card from his wallet. “Both my home number and my cell are on there. If you hear from him, give me a call.”

“Brian, you don’t think anything’s happened to him, do you?” Jennifer asked nervously.

“I hope not,” Brian replied as he walked out of the house without looking back.

*********

With the time difference, Justin managed to land in LA by dinnertime. The cab driver looked at him funny when he requested to be dropped off at the cemetery, but he knew better than to question a customer. Justin walked through the gates and made his way over to where Trevor had been laid to rest almost a year earlier. The ground had settled and there were no signs of disturbance. Justin wasn’t sure if that made him happy or sad. He sat down alongside the headstone, the one that told everyone that Trevor was a beloved friend and partner, and leaned back against the solid stone with a sigh.

“Well, I guess it’s time. I got your letter today. Thank you for sending it to me. I always knew that you loved me, but it was nice to have a reminder. You know I loved you too, right? My feelings for Brian never had anything to do with you. If you were still here, I’d be happily by your side. It’s important for you to know that. To know that during our time together, I was right where I wanted to be.” Justin took a deep breath as he brushed away his tears before continuing.

“Oh Trevor, I don’t know what to do now. Life has been so crazy lately. I know I shouldn’t be complaining. Especially to you, but you were always so good at giving me advice and keeping me grounded. There are so many things that I’m not sure of, but Brian’s the hardest part to figure out of all. My feelings for him…well, I don’t know how to explain it. When we were together the first time I know that I loved him, but it was more than that. I was in awe of him. He was my first lover and he taught me so many things about being who I was with no apologies and no regrets. I became who I am now because of him and our time together.

But now…this time is different. I’m not some naïve kid trying to be one of the big boys. I’m older and wiser now and my love for him is based on maturity. The friendship we’ve made means so much to me. We know each other now in ways that we never did before and I don’t want to lose that. I don’t want to do anything to ruin what we have. I’m scared, Trev. I’m scared of taking a chance and failing. I’m scared of not taking a chance and missing out on what could be. Sometimes I’m just scared of getting out of bed in the morning and I think why am I doing this? Why am I putting myself through all this agony and pain? I should just pick up and move away. Start again in a new place where no one knows me and I don’t have all that extra baggage, just like I did when I moved out here and met you. Look how well that turned out. But then I see him, smiling, laughing, looking at me like I’m someone special and I know that I can’t walk away. I know that I have to find out if what we had was strong enough to bring us back together again. Bring us to the place that we weren’t ready to go the first time. Does that make any sense to you?”

As Justin sat there talking to Trevor, pouring his heart out and admitting his fears, an inner peace washed over him. Whether it was from purging his feelings or something deeper that even man can’t explain, suddenly everything became clear. He was filled with a sense of calm, a sense of direction that he hadn’t felt since Trevor was first diagnosed almost two years before.

“I guess that’s my answer, huh?” Justin laughed sadly. “I guess it’s time for me to take this chance and see where it leads me. Thank you for pushing me. For taking care of me even after you’re gone. No matter what happens in the future, you will always hold a special place in my heart that no one can fill.”

Justin stared at the headstone for a few minutes, letting his mind remember the good times he and Trevor shared before turning and walking away. He had one more thing he had to do before he could go back to Pittsburgh and begin a new chapter in his life.

By the time Justin got to Phillip’s house it was getting late, but he saw the lights on and knew the man was up. He walked up the sidewalk and squared his shoulders before knocking on the door. He saw the look of surprise on Phillip’s face as he opened the door.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Phillip spat angrily.

“There’s something that I have to tell you. Hear me out and then you can slam the door in my face if you want to.” Justin waited a moment, making sure he had the man’s attention before he began. “When Trevor first got sick, he told me he didn’t want to tell anyone. He said he didn’t want to be treated differently because of the cancer. We thought he’d get better so it wasn’t that big a deal. Then, once it became apparent that he wasn’t going to get better, I begged him to tell you. I told him you had a right to know. We got into such a fight that day. I told him that if he wasn’t going to tell you, then I would. I planned on calling you then…but I couldn’t do it. He broke down and cried, pleading with me not to tell you. He said that telling you would break your heart and he didn’t have the strength to do that. He said that you were the only family he had left aside from me and he didn’t want to be the reason for your pain.”

“But why didn’t you come to me without his knowledge? At least I would’ve known. I would’ve been able to prepare myself for losing him,” Phillip replied tearfully.

“First of all, do you really think you could’ve known and not said anything to him? Kept the news to yourself?” Justin could tell by the look in Phillip’s eyes that he couldn’t. “And second, there’s no preparing yourself for losing someone you love. Trust me. I knew for months that he wasn’t going to make it. There were days when he was in so much pain I’d pray for him to go so that he wouldn’t suffer anymore, yet when the time actually came it was devastating. I didn’t think I’d survive losing him.”

“I’m glad you had Brian to help you through it,” Phillip said softly.

Justin heard the sincerity in Phillip’s voice and knew that the worst was over. “Well, I guess that’s all I wanted to say. You can hate me if you want, but I was only doing what the man I loved asked me to do. You would’ve done the same thing if you were in my shoes. I can’t apologize for following Trevor’s wishes. I just wish things had been different. He and I both could’ve used some support during the last couple of months. Take care of yourself, Phillip.”

Justin started to walk away, but heard Phillip’s voice calling out to him. “Where are you staying? I heard through the grapevine that you moved back to Pittsburgh.”

“I’m not really sure,” Justin laughed. “I just kind of jumped on a plane at the last minute. I had something I had to do.”

“Why don’t you stay here?” Phillip asked. “It’s the least I can do…for a friend.”

Justin smiled as he walked back towards the door, feeling better than he had in a long time.

*********

Brian was pacing the loft, feeling helpless and a little scared. It was early Sunday morning and nobody had heard from Justin since he’d spoken to him Thursday night. After bribing the landlord, he was finally able to gain access to Justin’s apartment, but other than an envelope with Trevor’s lawyer’s address on it, there was nothing there to indicate where Justin had gone. Brian tried calling the law office, but of course they were closed for the weekend. Justin had twenty-four hours to contact someone and let them know he was alright before Brian hopped a plane to LA and began searching the city himself.

Through the course of the weekend Brian began to think about what his next move would be. He had no doubt that he wanted to be more than friends with Justin, but he still had doubts about whether it was too soon. He had planned on trying to talk to the blond over the weekend, but his disappearing act put a stop to his plans. Now on top of everything else, he had to wonder if Justin planned on even coming back. His clothes were still in his apartment, but it was little consultation as the hours kept passing without a word. Just when Brian was about to stop his pacing and take another trip to Justin’s with the spare key he swiped off the counter the day before, he heard a knock at the door. He said a silent prayer before pulling open the door to see Justin standing on the other side.

“Hey,” Justin said softly, noticing the angry look on Brian’s face. “Can I come in?”

“Hey? Hey? That’s all you have to say?” Brian spat as he carefully grabbed Justin’s wrist and pulled him inside. “Where the fuck have you been?”

“I’m sorry, Brian. I just had to…”

“You’re sorry? Do you have any idea how fucking worried I was about you?”

“I know. I didn’t mean to…”

“I talked to you Thursday night and the last thing you said to me was I’ll talk to you tomorrow. It’s fucking Sunday Justin. I’ve been going out of my mind for three days wondering what happened to you.” Brian was pacing the room like a caged animal, trying to control his anger with little success. “And then you walk in here like nothing happened.”

“Brian, if you’ll just let me…”

“I went over to your mother’s house, hoping that she knew where you were. I talked to the guys, hell I even forced your landlord to let me in your apartment hoping to God I didn’t find you…”

Justin couldn’t take anymore of Brian’s ranting. He stopped the older man from pacing and reached out, pulling Brian into a fierce kiss. It was the only way he could think of to shut him up long enough to listen to his explanation. At first Brian was rigid from surprise, but he quickly melted into the kiss, using his tongue to pry Justin’s lips apart and force his tongue inside. The kiss lasted for quite awhile and by the time Justin pulled back, both he and Brian were breathless.

“What the fuck was that for?” Brian asked in confusion.

“It was the only way to shut you up so I could talk. Now, will you sit down so I can explain about this weekend?” Justin replied, his eyes pleading with Brian to obey.

Brian didn’t respond at first, but eventually he turned and walked over, plopping down on the couch as he waited for Justin to start explaining.

“Thank you,” Justin said and then took a deep breath before joining Brian on the couch. He’d spent most of the weekend and the entire plane ride back trying to find the words he needed to explain what he was feeling. “I know you noticed that I’ve been a little distracted lately. With the anniversary of Trevor’s death coming up, I’ve had a lot on my mind lately.”

“Justin.”

“No Brian, just let me get this out.”

“Sorry,” Brian said softly.

“Anyway, on Friday morning I was feeling a little antsy. Like I said, I’ve had a lot on my mind and I’ve been having trouble focusing on things. Around lunchtime a courier showed up with an envelope from Trevor’s lawyer. When I opened it, there was a hand written letter from Trevor inside.”

“But…”

“Apparently he arranged to have it sent to me right around the anniversary. In the letter he told me how much he loved me and how grateful he was that I stood by him while he was sick. Like there was anywhere else I would’ve been when he needed me. He also said that if I hadn’t moved on by now that it was time. I know he’s right, but it’s been so hard. Then he mentioned you,” Justin admitted shyly.

“Me? What do I have to do with this? I never even knew the man,” Brian asked.

“You never met, but Trevor knew all about the great Brian Kinney. He’s the one who helped me move on after I left here, remember? Now he wants you to do the same thing.”

“The same thing? I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“When Trevor got really sick and it was apparent that he wasn’t going to get any better, he suggested that I call you and try to work things out between us. In the letter he admitted to having a PI investigate you. He said he needed to know that you grew up and could make me happy. I had no idea he did that. I would’ve stopped him if he had told me what he was planning. Whatever he was told, he seemed to think that working things out with you was the right thing to do. He said something about destiny and flying back to you. I don’t remember his exact words. By this time I was too upset to let anything else sink in.”

Brian wanted to ask what Justin thought of Trevor’s suggestion, but decided to let the blond finish his story first. He was still curious as to where he was all weekend. He waited patiently for Justin to continue.

“I’m not really sure why, but the next thing I knew I was booking a flight to LA.”

“You flew across the country for the weekend and didn’t tell anyone where you were going?” Brian replied angrily as Justin’s words set in. “What if something happened to you?”

“Brian, I’m a big boy now. I can take care of myself and I can certainly fly to LA all by myself without asking permission. It’s not like I stole your credit card and ran away.”

Brian smiled slightly with the reminder of New York and the great make-up sex they had. “Continue.”

“So I flew to LA and caught a cab to the cemetery. I just needed to go somewhere that I could feel close to him again. I needed to be able to say goodbye. From there I went to Phillip’s and apologized again for not telling him. Since we’ve both gotten past the worst of our grief, he listened to what I had to say and finally understood why I did what I did. I spent the weekend there, reminiscing about the good old days with Phillip. It was the perfect goodbye.”

“And at any time during this weekend getaway did it occur to you to pick up the phone and call me? Let me know that you were okay?”

“I thought about you quite a bit actually. I just wasn’t ready to talk to you yet,” Justin replied. “I needed some time to figure a few things out and make some decisions regarding my future.”

“I see,” Brian replied. “And what did you figure out?”

“I realized that not only do I still love you, but I really like you as a person. That’s something that I never had a chance to discover before. Our first time around was all about sex. This time we’ve gotten to know each other on an entirely different level. Our friendship has been great and I’ve really enjoyed getting to know the real Brian Kinney, not the person you let everyone else see. You really are a sweet and caring guy.”

“Let’s keep that between us, shall we?” Brian said, uncomfortable with the praise.

“Your secret is safe with me,” Justin laughed.

“So what happens now?”

“Well,” Justin began nervously. “I’m not ready to jump into anything serious just yet, assuming that you’d even want to, but I’d like to take things a little further and see if what we have is strong enough to build on.”

Brian released the breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding as he pulled Justin towards him for another kiss. This one was softer, warmer, and held more meaning than the last one as Brian tried to put all of his feelings into the connection. Once again they were breathless when they broke apart, but this time Justin’s eyes were damp with unshed tears.

“Are you alright?” Brian asked as he looked into Justin’s face.

“Yeah, I really am. I loved Trevor with all my heart, but now I feel as if I’m finally home,” Justin replied tearfully.

“Welcome back, Sunshine. It’s good to have you home,” Brian assured him as he leaned in and kissed Justin again. Yeah, it was good to have him back, right where he belonged.


The End
09/23/05

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