Letting Go

Chapter 3

Brian waited until Justin was out of sight before getting up and walking over to Phillip’s table. He sat down uninvited and waited until his presence was acknowledged.

“What the fuck do you want?” Phillip asked angrily.

“I want to know what that fucking performance was about,” Brian demanded calmly although he was seething inside.

“It’s none of your God damned business. Now get lost.”

“Let me make one thing perfectly clear. Justin is my business and he always will be,” Brian said.

“Funny, I’ve never heard your name mentioned before,” Phillip replied coolly.

“Well now you have and I’m warning you. You better leave him alone. He’s dealing with enough shit right now. He doesn’t need anymore from his so-called friends,” Brian threatened.

“Oh and I’m not? Trevor and I have been friends since high school and I never even got a chance to say goodbye.”

“That was Trevor’s choice, not Justin’s. Don’t you think he would’ve loved to share his burden with someone else? Trevor didn’t want anyone to know he was sick so Justin spent the last few months all alone watching his partner slip away. He didn’t even tell his own mother. He had no one to turn to and you have no right to make him feel guilty for following his lover’s last wishes.” Brian spat with venom.

Phillip shot up out of his chair, standing over Brian with a deadly glare in his eyes. “Don’t you tell me what my rights are. I had a right to know that my friend was dying. I had a right to be there, regardless of how he felt about it.”

Brian stood up, too using his extra two inches in height to his advantage. “Are you such a pompous ass that you actually think your feelings come before those of a dying man?”

The man sitting at the table with Phillip stood up, trying to find a way to break up the confrontation before him without anyone getting hurt. He wasn’t sure he had the ability to do it, though. Not if the look on both of the men’s faces was any indication. He nervously looked around for the blond kid he saw Phillip talking to earlier as two waiters made their way over to the table.

*********

As Justin dried his face, he took a deep breath trying desperately to rid his mind of the hurtful things Phillip had said to him. He always knew that their friends would react badly once they found out that Trevor was gone. He even tried to talk Trevor into telling those closest to him, but he flat out refused and left Justin no choice but to keep them in the dark. It was the least he could do for the man he loved. Once he had his tears under control, Justin walked back out to the dining area and saw that his table was empty. Since Brian never made an appearance in the bathroom, Justin looked over where Phillip’s table was, knowing exactly what he would find there. Brian and Phillip were standing head to head, each one looking ready to throw the first punch. He quickly walked over to them and squeezed his way in between them, focusing more on Brian than on Phillip.

“Brian, let’s just go. It’s not worth it,” Justin said as he gently eased Brian back a couple of steps.

Before either man had a chance to react, the manager came out and cleared his throat, catching the attention of everyone at the table. “Gentlemen, if there’s a problem here I’m going to have to ask you to take it outside. You’re disrupting the other patrons.”

“Come on, Brian,” Justin pleaded as he grabbed Brian by the arm and started back towards their table.

Brian finally broke out of his haze and shook off Justin’s arm as he walked over to their table. He threw a bunch of twenties down to cover the cost of the wine before walking out of the restaurant with Justin close on his heels. He used the few minutes it took to get the car to calm himself down. Justin was the one he needed to focus on at the moment. Not the asshole still inside. Once they were in the car and on their way back to the house, Brian noticed how quiet Justin was and began to wonder if he was okay. He decided to wait until they were home before mentioning Phillip and what had happened. As soon as Brian put the car in park, Justin was out the door and on his way inside.

“Hey Justin, are you alright?” Brian asked as he entered the house and closed the door behind him.

Justin spun around with fury in his eyes. “What the fuck did you think you were doing back there?”

“What? That bastard had no right to talk to you the way he did!” Brian replied angrily.

“Yes he did. He’s hurting right now and needed someone to lash out at. Trevor isn’t here anymore so I’m the next best thing.”

“That’s ridiculous, Justin. There was no reason…”

“Wasn’t there? What would you do if Michael got sick and no one told you until it was too late? If you never got the chance to tell him you loved him? To say goodbye? But that’s not even the point, Brian. I’m not the naïve little twink that you picked up on Liberty Avenue anymore. I’m all grown up and I can take care of myself. Hell, I just watched the man I love die after months of suffering, I’m more than capable of handing Phillip and his anger!” Justin exclaimed as tears began to run silently down his face. “I don’t need you to protect me. That’s not why I called you.”

“Then why did you? Why did you call me out here? What do you need me to do for you?” Brian replied, feeling his own emotions coming close to the surface. Watching Justin suffer everyday was starting to get to him.

“I need you to be my friend. I need you to tell me that selling the house and moving back to the Pitts is the right thing to do.” Justin said, his anger slipping away, quickly being replaced by despair. “I need you to hold me and tell me everything’s going to be alright.”

Brian reached out and pulled Justin into his arms, holding on to the trembling man as he quietly sobbed on his shoulder. “Shhh,” he whispered in Justin’s ear. “It’s okay. Everything’s going to be alright.”

And at that moment, standing in Brian’s embrace, Justin almost believed that it was.

*********

Brian tipped the moving men then watched as they pulled away from the curb before turning to go back inside. It had been two weeks since the fiasco at the restaurant with Phillip and since then Brian did his best to sit back and let Justin handle things on his own, offering his support only when asked for it. The realtor had called the week before and told them that she had a buyer for the house. With the market being what it was, she didn’t even have a chance to get it listed properly before someone swooped in and placed a bid. It was a fair offer and Justin needed to make a clean break so he accepted the bid immediately. He planned to fly back for the day of the closing to finish signing the paperwork and then he’d be able to put California behind him. He then spent two days filtering through the contents of the house and packing up what he planned on keeping. The rest was picked up by the Salvation Army, along with his second hand car, to be sold in a charity auction. The things he was keeping were being driven east and placed in storage by a moving company so the only thing left to do was catch their mid-morning flight to Pittsburgh.

The rental car was already loaded with their bags so Brian went inside in search of Justin. He found him standing in the empty living room lost in thought.

“Are you ready to go?” he asked softly from the doorway.

“Just about. Could you give me a minute alone? I just want to…”

“Take your time,” Brian said, knowing how hard it was for Justin to leave. “I’ll wait in the car.”

Justin waited until Brian was gone before letting out the breath he’d been holding.

“Well Trevor, I guess this is it. I remember the day we moved in here. We were so happy that day, weren’t we? I never thought I’d be leaving like this. I never thought out time together would be so short. I want to thank you for all you’ve done for me. I was so lost when I came out here. I was missing my family and Brian so much that I was ready to run back home with my tail between my legs, but then I met you. You helped me put away the past and move on and I want you to know that I never regretted my decision to stay. But you were right and now it’s time to go back. Without you, there’s nothing left for me here. I’m sure you know that Brian’s been here helping me. I thought about what you suggested during those last few weeks, but I don’t think that it’s going to happen. Brian and I are friends but our time together has passed.”

Justin stopped talking as he remembered the conversation he was referring to. It was about a month before Trevor died and he was having a good day so they were curled up together in bed, talking about the good times they shared. Trevor had suddenly gotten quiet and Justin was worried that he was in pain.

“Are you alright? Do you need another pill?”

“No, I’m fine. I was just thinking about what you’re going to do after I’m gone,” Trevor replied quietly.

“Stop that. I don’t want to talk about the future. Besides, we don’t even know what’s going to happen,” Justin said defiantly.

“Yes we do, Babe. We know exactly what’s going to happen and pretending that it’s not isn’t going to change things,” Trevor insisted. “I want you to go back home. I want you to reconnect with your friends and family. I want you to try to fix things with Brian.”

“What?!” Justin exclaimed as he scrambled out of bed. “Trevor, how can you say that? Brian’s the last person on my mind these days. You’re the one I love. Brian is ancient history.”

“Calm down and come back here,” Trevor replied evenly. “Just hear me out.”

Justin didn’t want to listen to what Trevor had to say, but couldn’t refuse without starting a fight and that was the last thing either of them needed. He quietly climbed back into bed and into Trevor’s arms.

“I know you love me, and if I wasn’t sick I would never suggest such a thing. But I am sick. I’m dying Justin and you’re going to need your friends once I’m gone. I know you still love Brian. I hear it in your voice on the rare occasions when his name is mentioned and I see it in the drawings you do of him. The ones you think I don’t know about.” Justin tried to pull out of the embrace, but Trevor continued to hold on. “Relax; I’m not upset by it. I have faith in your love for me. I have no doubt that we would’ve lived happily ever after if not for this disease that’s eating away at me. I’m not going to be around that much longer and I’d feel better knowing that you had someone who cares about you after I’m gone.”

Justin had refused to even discuss the possibility of going back to Brian. Aside from the fact that he couldn’t imagine his life once Trevor was gone, he doubted that Brian would even want him back. If he cared so much, he wouldn’t have deserted him after the bashing to begin with.

And now Brian was back in his life, just like Trevor had wanted, but not as he expected. In the last few weeks he and Brian began building a friendship, something that they never had before, and Justin refused to give that up for a relationship that didn’t work out the first time around and was bound to fail again if they even tried.

“I know that you just want me to be happy, but you spoiled me with your love and kindness. I can’t go back to what I had with Brian. I can’t come in second to him after experiencing coming in first with you. Anyway, I guess I better get going. I have a plane to catch. I love you, Trevor. Goodbye.”

Justin looked around one last time with tears in his eyes before walking out on his past and heading towards his future. He found Brian leaning against the rental car patiently waiting for him.

“Are you alright?

“No, but I will be,” Justin assured him with a sad smile as they climbed in the car. Neither one of them looked back as Brian pulled out onto the street and drove away.

*********

As their plane touched down in Pittsburgh, Brian turned to look at Justin, who’d been unusually quiet during most of their flight.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Going against Brian’s advice, Justin had decided to go with Brian straight from the airport to dinner at Deb’s.

“No, but I think it’s the easiest way. I’m not up for re-telling my story every time I run into another face. This way I can just explain once and put an end to the gossip right from the start,” Justin replied, trying to sound more confident than he felt. He was a nervous wreck just thinking about making his entrance at the family dinner, but knew he was doing the right thing. By now he knew that his mother had gone to Debbie after learning about Brian’s presence in LA, which meant that everyone else know about it, too. There were bound to be questions and after all Brian had done for him, he didn’t feel right leaving Brian to answer them all on his own.

“It’s your call, but if they get to be too much, say the word and we’re out of there,” Brian promised.

“I will.”

Once they were off the plane, Brian and Justin quickly found their luggage and made it back to the jeep in record time. The ride to Debbie’s also seemed faster than usual, although Justin’s anxiety probably just made it feel that way. Glancing at the clock on the dashboard, Justin knew that when they walked inside everyone would already be there. His palms were sweaty and his heart was beating rapidly by the time they pulled up out front.

“This is your last chance to back out,” Brian teased, hoping to ease Justin’s nervousness.

“You’re just trying to get out of this so you can avoid getting smacked upside the head for another day,” Justin laughed.

“Damn right. That woman has a hand of steel,” Brian replied, rubbing the back of his head in anticipation.

“Let’s go, you big chicken.”

They laughed as they climbed out of the car and made their way to the door. Brian grabbed the knob as he leaned over and kissed Justin’s forehead in support, something that he’d started doing in LA, before walking inside. Everyone in the room turned at the sound of the door opening and a strange silence fell over the room before Debbie let out a shriek and jumped up from the table.

“Sunshine!” she exclaimed as she grabbed him in one of her famous death grips. “We’ve been so worried about you.”

“I’m sorry, Deb. I didn’t mean to worry anyone. I was just going through some things and needed to work them out on my own,” Justin explained as he fought to breathe.

“Deb, let the kid go. Can’t you see he’s starting to turn blue,” Brian said as he walked further into the room.

“I’m sorry, Sunshine. I’m just so happy to see you. Is Trevor here with you?” she asked as she pulled back, but continued to hold on to her favorite twink.

“Uh…no…he’s not here,” Justin stammered. “There’s something that I need to tell you. I figured it would be easier to come here so that I could just tell everyone at once.”

“What’s wrong Baby? Did you and Trevor break up? Is that why you look like shit?”

“Sis,” Vic said, as he walked over and began pulling Debbie away. “Give Justin some space and let him tell us what he came here for.”

“Thanks Vic,” Justin said gratefully.

He waited until everyone gathered around the living room, all thoughts of food forgotten at the moment and looked towards Brian for support. He smiled when Brian walked over to him and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. Somehow that simple gesture gave him the strength to go on.

“Trevor and I didn’t break up. He died.”

As soon as the words were out of his mouth all hell broke loose with everyone throwing question after question at him, overwhelming him and making him want to run away. Brian noticed his discomfort and decided to step in.

“Hey, hey…would you all shut the fuck and give Justin a chance to talk.”

The room was once again silent as everyone listened to Brian and settled down to wait for Justin’s explanation.

“He was diagnosed with cancer seven months ago. The doctors hoped that they caught it in time, but they didn’t. He went through Chemo and Radiation for awhile, but finally decided to stop treatment about three months ago. He didn’t want anyone to know. We wanted his last days to be just between us. I knew if I told anyone we’d never get any peace. So we spent the time we had left together, just the two of us. I was a mess after he died. I couldn’t even seem to string two thoughts together. That’s when I called Brian. Deb, I knew if I called you or my mom, you’d have raced to my side and taken care of me but that’s not what I needed. I needed someone who would help me be strong enough to do what I had to do, not someone who’d take over and let me wallow in misery. Brian was the only person I knew who could help me get through it all with dignity.”

“Oh Baby, I’m so sorry. Poor Trevor. I never met him but Jennifer said he was a sweetheart,” Debbie said as she wiped the dampness from her eyes.

“He was,” Justin replied tearfully. “And we had three great years together. I still miss him so much, but I know he wouldn’t want me to sit around and mourn him too long. That’s why I’ve decided to move back to Pittsburgh. My home was with Trevor, but now that he’s gone I want to be back here with my family.”

There wasn’t a dry eye in the room, except for Brian of course, who only shed his tears for Justin in private. Even Ted was wiping at his eyes as he too hugged Justin tightly and offered his condolences. Brian stepped back and let Justin receive his hugs and wasn’t surprised when Vic came up behind him.

“You did well, Brian. Flying out there to help Justin was the right thing to do. I’m proud of you.”

“Yeah, well every so often that tiny little shred of a heart that I have kicks in and I manage to do something right,” Brian joked, uncomfortable with the praise.

“Stop fooling yourself. Your heart’s a lot bigger than you think,” Vic replied quietly before he went to Justin for his turn.

Once everyone had returned to their seats, Debbie turned to Justin was a sad smile on her face. “Well, I don’t like the circumstances surrounding your return, but I’m glad you’re back.”

“Thanks Deb. Me too.” Justin replied.

“Have you called your mother yet? Does she know?”

“No, if it’s alright with you I’d like to use your phone to call her now,” Justin said as he filled with dread. He knew that telling his mother was going to be even harder than telling a room full of drama queens…and Debbie.

“Of course Sunshine. Why don’t you go on upstairs and use the extension in my room so you have a little privacy?”

Justin smiled and headed upstairs, leaving everyone alone to question Brian further on what had happened in the last couple of weeks. Brian didn’t go into great detail. He just told them about helping Justin get everything ready and his plans for the future.

“Come over here,” Debbie finally said to him once he finished talking.

“Why, so you can slap me upside the head for not telling you right away?”

“No, so I can tell you how proud I am of you for dropping everything at a moments notice and helping Justin during such a horrible time.” Debbie replied with affection.

Shit, Brian thought to himself. Was the praise ever going to end?

*********

Justin hesitated briefly before picking up the phone and calling his mother. He knew she was going to be upset with him for not telling her months ago that Trevor was sick, but he knew he did the right thing. It was his life and he had to make his own decisions based on what was best for him, not on what others expected of him.

“Hello?”

“Hey Mom, it’s me.”

“Oh Justin, I’m so glad you called. What’s going on? I tried calling you this morning but your phone’s been disconnected,” Jennifer said with relief. She’d been thinking the worst ever since she made the call that morning.

“Mom, I’ve got something to tell you but I need you to promise me you won’t overreact and get all emotional on me.”

“Justin, I don’t like the sound of that. Tell me what’s wrong,” Jennifer demanded gently.

“Not until you promise me,” Justin insisted.

“Alright, I promise. Now tell me what this is all about.”

“Mom, Trevor’s dead,” Justin blurted out.

“What? What do you mean he’s dead? What happened? Was it an accident? Are you alright? Where are you? I’ll catch the first flight that I can and be there as soon as possible,” Jennifer said as she walked towards the computer, ready to search for a flight to California.

“Slow down, Mom and let me explain. No, it wasn’t an accident. He had cancer. We found out months ago but it was too late for chemo to work. He died a couple of weeks ago.”

“Oh honey, I’m so sorry. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because he didn’t want anyone to know. Besides, we wanted his last days to be peaceful, just the two of us. After he died I just…I needed some time to get things in order. I didn’t want you flying out there and taking over,” Justin explained.

“But it was alright for Brian to be there, right?” she replied fighting the bitterness that she felt rising within her.

“Mom, don’t do that. I needed someone to help me be strong, not someone who would allow me to be weak. I had to figure out what I was going to do next without any outside interference. I had to make sure that I did what I wanted to do, not what everyone else thought I should do. Please tell me you understand that,” Justin pleaded tearfully. He hated that his decisions hurt his mother, but he still felt that he did the right thing by calling Brian over her.

“I…guess I do. You’re all grown up now. I understand that. I just wished you would’ve let me come out there and try to help you. I hate to think of you going through something like that alone. I know how much you and Trevor loved each other. It must have been horrible for you to watch him suffer.”

“You have no idea, but I’m okay now. I still miss him so much but I’m managing.”

“Where are you now?”

“I’m actually in Pittsburgh. I’ve decided to come home. My life in LA was great, but without Trevor there’s no reason to stay. I’m at Debbie’s and I was hoping that you’d come and get me. I could really use a place to stay while I look for an apartment,” Justin told her, knowing that she’d be happy to help him out. Brian had offered to let him stay at the loft until he could get settled, but he figured that staying at his mother’s would be a small consolation for her after the way he shut her out.

“Of course, honey. I’ll be there in fifteen minutes,” Jennifer replied.

“Thanks. I love you, Mom.”

“I love you too, Justin. I’ve really missed having you here. See you soon.”

Justin hung up the phone and made his way back downstairs. Everyone was back at the table eating, but Brian was standing off to the side of the room waiting for him. He pushed away from the wall and met him at the bottom of the stairs.

“How’d it go?”

“Better than I thought, although she was pretty upset that I didn’t call her after he died,” Justin told him.

“Especially since you called me, right?” Brian smirked.

“Well, your name did come up in the conversation,” Justin laughed. “It doesn’t matter. I did what I needed to do. She’ll get over it. They all will.”

“So, is Mommy on her way?” Brian teased.

“She’ll be here in about fifteen minutes,” Justin replied solemnly. “I’m going to miss you, ya know. I’ve gotten used to having you around.”

“We’re back to living in the same city, remember? I’ll still be around,” Brian assured him, although he was feeling the same way. “If you need anything, all you have to do is call. This time we won’t have a six hour flight and a three hour time difference between us.”

“Thanks. I just might take you up on that,” Justin said softly.

“I’m counting on it. That’s what friends are for,” Brian told him. “Now let’s go get your things out of the jeep. I’d rather not be here when Mother Taylor shows up.”

Brian said his goodbyes and walked with Justin out to the jeep. After pulling his bags out of the back, Justin took Brian in his arms and hugged him, feeling a lump forming in his throat. “Thank you for everything. I really don’t know what I would’ve done without you.”

“You would’ve managed just fine on your own, but I’m glad I could help.” Without thinking, Brian leaned down and kissed Justin on the lips for the first time in over three years. It was brief, but it still stirred something inside him; something that he refused to acknowledge while Justin was mourning the loss of his lover. “Later Sunshine.”

“Later,” Justin replied as he watched Brian get in the jeep and drive away. As he carried his bag back into his house to wait for his mother, he tried not to think about the kiss Brian gave him. He’d told Trevor that what he and Brian had was over and it was. Wasn’t it?


End of part 3
09/11/05

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