Letting Go

Chapter 1

Brian was sitting at his desk at Kinnetik going over his newest account when Cynthia popped her head in.

“Hey Brian, got a minute?”

“Yeah Cyn, what’s up?” Brian asked sitting the file aside.

“I need your signature on a couple of contracts and Ted wanted me to let you know that he is leaving for the day but to remind you of dinner at Debbie’s,” Cynthia said as she laid the contracts out in front of Brian.

“What would I ever do without Theodore here to manage my social life?” Brian replied sarcastically.

After signing the necessary papers Brian tried to reopen the file but Cynthia stopped him.

“Brian, it’s almost 6:00. Don’t you think it’s time to head home?”

“Relax Cyn, I’m leaving soon. I have to be at Deb’s in a little while so I might as well keep working until it’s time to go,” Brian replied with a smile, touched as always by Cynthia’s concern.

He still couldn’t believe how close they had gotten over the last few years. After the bashing and Justin’s disappearance from Liberty Avenue, he began to sink into a dark hole. He knew that staying out of the kid’s life was the best thing to do, but he had a hard time filling the void. Drinking and tricking lost some of its appeal for awhile and he sunk himself into his job, working feverishly trying to accomplish his goal of owning his own agency. Cynthia was the only one who noticed his determination.

One night she surprised him by showing back up at Ryder, insisting that he open up to her. He was surprised when he had done just that. After he admitted to some personal issues causing him to reevaluate his life, Cynthia jumped on the bandwagon and began helping him in his pursuit of dreams. Two years later, Kinnetik was born and Cynthia was right by his side through it all; even agreeing to a huge pay cut to follow him out into the advertising world. He rewarded her with the title of Vice President and a small share of the company, which she proved she thoroughly deserved over the last year. He didn’t know what he’d do without her. Ted had eventually come aboard as his accountant and Emmett still appeared on the scene every once and awhile. Michael was still a part of his life, but once he married Ben and took Hunter in, they didn’t see each other much aside from gatherings at Debbie’s and occasional trips to Babylon or Woody’s. Even he and Lindsay weren’t as close as they once were, although he still saw Gus every couple of weeks and enjoyed being a father. The only person he saw regularly and shared his life with anymore was Cynthia and he realized often how lucky he was to have her with him.

“Boss?” Cynthia called.

“What?”

“Where’d you go? I asked if you needed me for anything else tonight. I have a date and I want to get home in enough time to get ready,” she explained with a smile.

“Paul? You two are becoming awfully chummy,” Brian teased.

“Brian, it’s only the third date, although I’m hoping for many more,” she admitted shyly.

“Go ahead, I’m almost finished here. Just shut out the lights and lock the door behind you; have a good weekend.”

“Okay, thanks. You too, Brian. I’ll see you on Monday,” Cynthia called as she walked out.

Brian spent the next thirty minutes finishing up some loose ends before getting ready to close up his office and head to Debbie’s. He opened his bottom desk drawer, looking for a file that he’d sworn he had the day before. He wanted to take it home with him for the weekend and look it over. Instead of finding the file what he found shook him to the core. It was a picture of him and Justin taken at the GLC art show he had participated in back when they first met. Seeing those stunning blue eyes and the way he had his arm around the boy possessively stirred something deep inside that he usually managed to block out. His mind quickly raced back to the time they’d spent together and he couldn’t help the small sadness that washed over him. Justin was a part of his past but he couldn’t help but wonder occasionally what might have been. Pushing those thoughts aside, he placed the picture back in the drawer, the file forgotten, and walked out of his office with his mask in place.

 

*********
 

The house was quiet except for the hospice nurse who was straightening up the room. Justin sat next to Trevor’s bed, holding his almost lifeless hand. He couldn’t help but think about how, since Trevor requested no more chemo treatments a couple of months ago, both of their lives had changed. Trevor had cancer, and the cancer seemed to take over his body and was rapidly taking his soul. He hated watching Trevor slowly dying. The man he loved for the past three years did not have anymore life left in him.

“You remember when we first met?” Justin asked Trevor, hoping to engrave the good memories in his heart before he passed.

“Of course I do. It was at the Museum of Contemporary Art downtown. You were admiring a painting and while you were deep in thought I walked up next to you; you smelled so good.” Trevor tried to answer in a sexy voice, although his breathing was labored and each word was a struggle.

Justin thought about how many wonderful times they’d shared and he wasn’t ready to see it end just yet. He was so sad and his heart had a pain in it that seemed almost unbearable.

“Justin?” Trevor whispered as he tried to keep his emotions deep inside.

“Yes babe,” Justin smiled, but after looking in Trevor’s eyes, he had a bad feeling about what the words to follow would be.

“Justin sweetie, sit closer. I really need to talk to you…on a serious note this time.”

Justin stared at the man he loved and tried not to think of the many possible things that could come out of his mouth, but he found himself speechless. He was afraid that if he said even one word, that it would be the beginning of the end.

“Justin…you know this is hard for me to say, but I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t fight this battle.” Tears began to form in Trevor’s eyes. “You know that you mean everything to me, and I know I would have never made it this far if you weren’t a part of my life…but it’s time for me to go.”

Justin sat perfectly still. He tried not to move for fear of the tears that might come rushing out. He wanted to be strong for Trevor, but he could feel the emotion building inside while his heart slowly fell apart.

“No Trevor….it can’t be time.” Justin squeezed the hand he was holding. “I don’t want you to go; I need you here with me. Please don’t give up,” Justin pleaded with Trevor.

“I’m not giving up…I’m letting go.” Trevor began to tremble as he struggled to get the words out. “You need to live now, without the burden of taking care of me.”

“You were never a burden to me…I don’t ever want you think that,” Justin said while raising his voice, trying to make him understand that he wanted to take care of him. He would have done anything for him, to help him get better or to make him more comfortable. He loved this man.

“I know Justin….you know what I mean. We were blessed with the times we did share together and they will remain in my heart forever. But could you do me one last favor…go and tell the nurse to turn off the machine. Tell her that I am ready to go. And Justin...I love you.”

“I love you too.” Justin softly spoke to him for the last time. He called for the nurse and explained Trevor’s wishes. Without question, she turned off the machine.

Justin sat next to the bed staring at Trevor and holding his hand as a lifeline. He studied his face, memorizing every curve, every freckle, and every line. He never wanted his image to fade away. The room was so quiet. After several minutes he noticed Trevor’s eyes were fighting to stay open. He watched the sparkle get dimmer and then it was gone. The eyes shut and didn’t open again. The nurse informed him that Trevor had passed. He leaned over and kissed him one last time, then pulled the blanket over his face.

A short time later, after Trevor’s body was removed from the house, Justin went and sat down on the sofa, thinking about the whole situation. He never felt so empty inside. He wondered what he was going to do next. He had so little contact with his family recently and Trevor lost his only family to an automobile accident a few years before they’d met. The only friend he really had was Daphne, but she didn’t even know about Trevor having cancer; no one knew. Besides, she lived to far away and had a life of her own. He was lost and he was completely alone.

He sat there for what seemed like hours, just trying to decide what to do with the rest of his life. So many thoughts were running through his head. He’d spent the last six months standing by Trevor’s side while he fought and lost the battle to cancer. He’d dropped out of school and took a leave of absence from his part time job so he would be able to spend all his time with the man he loved. Now it was over and he had nothing left. He got up slowly and walked over to the fireplace, looking at the pictures that sat on the mantle; pictures of him and Trevor in their early years, both of them healthy and carefree. What he wouldn’t give to go back in time and relive those days. He was only 22 years old but he suddenly felt like an old man. The last three months had taken their toll on him and he was emotionally exhausted.

“Trevor, what am I going to do now?” he asked to the empty room. “How do I go on without you now that you’re gone?”

Of course there was no answer. Trevor would never answer him again and that thought brought on a whole new set of tears so powerful that it brought Justin to his knees. He curled up in a ball, wishing there was some way to bring Trevor back; some way to turn back the clock and give him another day with the man he loved. Even though they both knew the day would come when they had to say good bye, living it was a whole different story. The emptiness he felt in his heart was almost more than he could bear. He cried himself to sleep, still lying on the floor wishing for everything to go back to the way it was.

Justin awoke abruptly a few hours later, disoriented and confused. He glanced at the clock, noticing that it was after five and jumped up to check on Trevor before cold hard reality slapped him in the face. Trevor was gone and he was alone in their big empty house. He began walking through the house, looking at all the things they had bought together. When they first met, Trevor had just put a bid in on the old Victorian home, using some of his inheritance to make a large down payment. By the time closing rolled around their relationship was solid and Justin had moved in with him and they had decorated the place together. Everywhere he looked, Justin was reminded of their life together and all that they’d shared. Trevor Hill wasn’t Justin’s first love, but that love was gone, well across the other side of the country and what he and Trevor had was real. It was strong and nurturing and Justin couldn’t have been happier than he’d been in the last three years. He silently cursed God for taking it all away.

Time seemed to pass slowly and long after the sun had set and nighttime ascended, Justin realized that he needed to try to get some rest. Although Trevor had seen to his funeral arrangements when he stopped the chemo, not wanting Justin to have to worry about the details, he knew that there were still some things that needed to be done. Once his lover was finally laid to rest there would be plenty of time for Justin to mourn, but now wasn’t the time. He dragged himself upstairs and climbed into the big empty bed that he had shared with Trevor and curled up, letting happy memories fill his mind until he drifted off in a restless sleep.

 

************
 

Debbie’s house was full of color and life as always. She baked a nice pasta dinner since she was expecting everyone to make an appearance. She always loved it when the whole family would join her for dinner.

The door opened and in walked Brian; he was your typical tall, dark and handsome guy. He walked over to Debbie and gave her a kiss on the cheek and then went and sat down at the kitchen table. Michael was already seated at the table while everyone else mingled in the living room. Even though they had been best friend since they were kids, Michael had his own life now with Ben and Hunter and these dinner nights were really the only time they got to talk. Their friendship would always be strong, but life moved on and things changed.

“So Brian, how are things with you? Anything new going on that we should know about?” Debbie asked, making an attempt to break the comfortable silence.

“Good I guess. The company is bringing in a lot of business so we’re in the process of hiring another team of personnel.” Brian stated as he passed the spaghetti to Michael.

“Hiring more people? Do you think that is the best thing to do considering how new the company is?” Michael expressed his concern for Brian taking that kind of risk.

“Thanks for your concern Mikey, but I know what I’m doing. Plus if the cards play out right it could help us grow because we’ll be able to handle more contracts.”

“Well I hope it all works out,” Debbie said hesitantly, hoping that Brian would make it on his own. She had loved him like a son since he was fourteen and only wanted what was best for him.

After they filled their plates with spaghetti, the kitchen became quiet while everyone dug into their dinner. All that could be heard were forks hitting the plates. When the phone rang everyone jumped in surprise. Debbie got up and answered the phone.

“Hello. Oh hi Jennifer, how’s it going?” She answered the phone in her bubbly manner.

“What? What do you mean?” Debbie questioned quietly while trying to walk out of the kitchen so that no one could hear her.

“Well I’m sure everything’s okay. I wouldn’t worry about him. If something were wrong I’m sure he would have told you, right?” Debbie asked, her voice sounding worried. Brian sat at the table, not moving, trying to listen to what Debbie was saying. He wasn’t happy with what he was overhearing.

“Okay, well if you find out something and need to call me, don’t you dare hesitate, you hear me?” Debbie said, trying to hide the concerned tone in her voice. “Okay, well then I’ll talk to you later. Ok….bye.”

Debbie walked back over to the table with a worried expression on her face. She sat down and asked Michael to pass the garlic bread. Michael handed his mom the plate of bread, oblivious to her upset. Brian, at that point was playing with his food, and looked up at Debbie, casually asking her what the call was all about.

“Oh it was nothing really. Jennifer’s just worried about Justin. She said that she spoke with him yesterday and he didn’t sound well. When asked, he said that nothing was wrong,” Debbie explained, while moving some dishes around to make room for the plate of garlic bread.

“I’m sure Justin is fine, he was probably just having a bad day and didn’t feel like talking to anyone,” Michael said, trying to lighten the mood.

Brian didn’t respond to what Debbie or Michael had said. He sat there wondering what could be going on. Brian and Justin hadn’t talked to each other since the night Justin was bashed at his prom, but Brian always got little bits of information about Justin and what he is up to through Debbie. This bit of information worried him.

 

*********
 

Brian drove away from Debbie’s after dinner, trying to keep his mind from thinking the worst about Justin. In the years since the blond had moved out to LA, Jennifer had never been known to go to Debbie with her concerns. From what he had heard, Justin was happy with his new life, proving that Brian had done the right thing leaving him alone after the prom. He had talked his father into paying his tuition and had found himself a suitable boyfriend; someone who loved him and showed him that love in every way. He couldn’t help but wonder what might have happened to make Jennifer so worried. He shook his head, trying to push those thoughts out of his mind. Justin wasn’t a part of his life anymore and whatever had happened was none of his business. Instead of heading to the loft, like he normally did on Friday nights, he found himself parking the jeep outside of Babylon, scanning the crowd for some evening entertainment.

Once inside with a double beam in hand, it didn’t take long to find someone to occupy his mind with thoughts of something other than Justin. He finally decided on a trick and pulled him to the dance floor, relaxing in the steady thumping of the music. He still loved to dance his problems away, although he found he didn’t do it quite as much as he used to, and tonight was no different. He enjoyed the attention he received while he was out on the floor and having a trick rubbing against him while they danced was still a major turn on. After a couple of songs, Brian decided to end the prequel and get down to the main event.

He whispered in the tricks ear and smiled when the guy stopped dancing and gently led him into the back room. The place was crowded, as it always was on a Friday night, but Brian found an empty space against a far wall and leaned back, pulling his trick in for a deep kiss. When he pulled away and pushed slightly on the man’s shoulders, he was rewarded by the feel of his pants being opened and his cock being lavished with attention.

The trick had a talented mouth and Brian leaned back, shutting his eyes and relishing in the feeling of the warm mouth that surrounded him. As the tip of his cock hit the other man’s throat, Brian groaned in satisfaction. He reached down and placed his hands on the sides of the tricks head, gently fucking the welcoming mouth in a steady rhythm. The fire deep inside of him continued building until he felt his release bubbling to the surface. Once the trick grabbed his balls, it was all over and Brian shot his load down the man’s throat, allowing himself to be milked clean. He thought about discarding the trick once he was done, but hearing the man’s words changed his mind.

“Fuck me,” the trick, still down on his knees, growled with passion in his voice.

Not being one to turn down an open opportunity, Brian pulled the trick to his feet and spun him around so that they were both facing the wall. Brian pulled a condom and lube from his pocket while the trick pulled down his jeans and Brian quickly prepared the man before ramming his cock inside the tight hole in front of him, eliciting a groan from beneath him. The tightness and warmth that enveloped him was enough to bring his semi-hard cock to full erection and Brian started pumping in and out, matching the thrusts that the trick was contributing. Once again, his orgasm was building and he reached around to begin pulling on the leaking cock of the man before him. Soon they were both shooting their load, unaware of the men who stood around watching; their own pleasures put on hold because of the show.

Brian Kinney was still God’s gift to gay PA and it was hard to be in the same room with him in mid fuck without watching the scene play out. When Brian was finished, he withdrew quickly and disposed of the condom before pulling his pants back up, mumbling a thank you, and heading out of the back room and the club. He did what he set out to do; find a meaningless trick to take his mind off things. Now he could go back to his empty loft and get some sleep. Justin was once again put on the back burner and life moved on.

 

***********
 

Justin sat on the living room floor, with an almost empty bottle of vodka in hand. He felt so alone and every thought that was running through his mind was of Trevor. He could still feel his touch, hear his voice, and he didn’t know how he was going to make it through. When he closed his eyes, he was reminded of Trevor with vivid images from the wake, strong enough that he didn’t want to go to sleep. To see the man that he loved lying there in the casket had shattered Justin’s world.

He lifted the bottle and drank the last of the vodka, before pulling himself up on the sofa and walking to the kitchen to retrieve another bottle. He pulled Beam out of the cabinet and stumbled back to where he was sitting. He lost his balance a few times, knocking over a lamp that was in his path.

He sat down on the floor and opened the bottle, tilting his head back in anticipation, and chugged enough to satisfy his taste, but that wasn’t enough. He kept thinking about how he had no where to go and no one to turn to. He’d lost contact with most of his friends and the ones that remained didn’t know the situation.

At the funeral, Trevor’s friends were so upset and angry with Trevor for not telling them that he had cancer that they took out their anger on Justin. They had words with Justin regarding why he didn’t tell them, but he wanted to respect Trevor’s wishes for no one to know. Trevor didn’t want his friends to see him slowly waste away and he surely didn’t want their pity. There was nothing Justin could do at this point except to take their anger.

The one person that did manage to make it into his thoughts was Brian. He wanted to call him so badly but didn’t feel that it was right given how things were left between them. He had loved Brian so much all those years ago, and since he was his first love, there would always be a place in his heart for him. He thought there would be no harm in calling him and he would love to hear his voice during this extremely painful time, but decided that it wasn’t appropriate.

Justin continued drinking and was surprised when he looked down at his hands and noticed he had picked up phone. He couldn’t recall how the phone had gotten there or when it had happened. He flipped the phone over and stared at the numbers, his thumb lightly went through the motion of dialing Brian’s number.

“I still remember,” Justin muttered under his breath, startled that he remembered the number after so many years.

‘He may not even live at the loft anymore,’ Justin thought to himself. “But what if he does? Then I’d be able to hear his voice again. What if he’s there and doesn’t want to talk to me? What if he hates me for the ways things were left?” Justin asked to an empty room.

“What the hell…I’m calling him,” Justin decided, while dialing Brian’s number.

Brian opened the door to his loft after returning from his night out at Babylon. Two weeks had gone by since dinner at Debbie’s and no word on Justin but for some reason he couldn’t get the blond out of his mind. He thought of the numerous tricks he’d just had and chuckled to himself. What better way to get Justin off his mind but to get off himself. He had just closed the door behind him when the phone rang. He walked over, throwing his jacket on the chair, and picked up the phone.

“Hello,” Brian answered, as he unbuttoned his jeans.

“Brian?” Justin asks hesitantly.

“Justin? Is that you?” Brian asked in astonishment, recognizing the voice right away.

“Yeah, it’s me. Um…I’m sorry, I can’t do this…I thought I could…I didn’t mean to bother you,” Justin stammered, getting ready to hang up. He knew he shouldn’t have called him.

“Wait! Please don’t hang up,” Brian pleaded. He really wanted to talk with Justin. After what happened at Deb’s during dinner he wanted to make sure Justin was okay, and from the sound of Justin voice, he wasn’t. “Justin?”

“I’m here,” Justin replied quietly, trying to mask his crying.

“I can tell something’s wrong…I can hear you crying. Talk to me,” Brian demanded gently, hoping that Justin would confide in him.

Justin remained silent, trying to calm himself down. He was having a hard time controlling his tears as he thought of all the things he wanted say, but only one thought seemed to get through his muddled brain.

Justin struggled to get the words to leave his mouth, “Brian, I need you.”


End of part 1
9/13/04
 

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