Healing the Heart

Chapter 11

Justin woke up the next morning and a safe feeling washed over him when he realized he was in Brian's arms. His mind replayed their encounter from the night before and he couldn't hold back the smile that escaped. He was just about to snuggle back down and fall back to sleep when Lindsay knocked on the door.

"Justin? Are you awake?"

"Uh...yeah...just a minute. I'll be right up," he called frantically, jumping out of bed and reaching for his sweats.

"Shit!" Brian exclaimed, jumping out of bed and grabbing his jeans.

"Relax Brian, I'll go upstairs and see what she wants. She probably just wants to say goodbye before she leaves. She'll never even know that you're here." Justin replied as he made his way towards the door.

Justin reached the top of the stairs just as Lindsay was getting ready to knock again.

"Oh, there you are. I was wondering if you were still asleep. I wanted to tell you I was leaving and see if you needed anything before I went," Lindsay said, noticing that Justin was a little flush.

"Nope, I'm fine. I'll just see you when you get home," Justin replied, walking out of the doorway and closing the door behind him.

"Is everything okay, Justin? You seem a little distracted."

"Everything's fine Lindsay. I was asleep when you knocked. I guess I'm not awake yet." Justin explained quickly, his heart racing at her observation.

"Oh sweetie, I'm sorry. Go back to sleep and I'll see you late tonight," Lindsay replied before adding, "are you sure you don't want to come with me? I hate to leave you alone all day with nothing to do."

"I'll be fine Lindsay. Jeez, you're worse than my parents. Now go, I'm sure Christy is waiting for you. I'll see you tonight," Justin said, gently pushing Lindsay towards the door.

"Alright, I'm going." Lindsay chuckled as she made her way out of the house.

As soon as the car pulled out of the driveway, Justin raced back to his room anxious to climb back in bed with Brian. He was surprised to see the older man dressed and getting ready to leave.

"Oh, you're going?"

"I think it might be a good idea. I have some errands I have to run anyway," Brian said, avoiding the look of disappointment he could clearly see on Justin's face.

"Yeah, sure. Whatever. It was just a fuck, right? I'll see you around," Justin replied as he grabbed a towel and headed off to the shower, fighting back tears along the way.

Brian felt like shit. He knew that Justin had hoped to spend the day with him, but when Justin was talking to Lindsay, he felt an overwhelming need to get away; forget all about what had happened between them the night before. This was why he tried so hard to keep his distance. He knew that Justin would be the one who got hurt in the end. Taking the stairs two at a time, he headed straight for the jeep and climbed in before his conscious got the better of him.

"What the fuck am I doing?" he asked aloud. He thought about the day ahead of him and knew deep down that it would be a much better day if Justin was a part of it. After a few moments of struggling with his internal demons, he opened the door of the jeep and climbed back out. As he walked back into Lindsay's, he came face to face with Justin, who had apparently just gotten out of the shower and was standing in the middle of the living room in nothing but a towel.

"Brian?"

Brian didn't reply. He just approached Justin and took him in his arms, kissing him with all the passion he felt for him. The kiss turned extremely heated and lasted until the need for oxygen was too great. Brian pulled away breathless and panting with desire.

"I thought you had errands to do," Justin whispered in confusion.

"Forget what I said before. This is right where I want to be," Brian replied, leading Justin back to the basement and back to bed, where they once again made love before falling asleep in each others arms.

Brian awoke a few hours later to find Justin sitting up in bed watching him, but unlike earlier, he had no desire to run away. All he wanted to do was keep Justin close to him and ignore the voices in his head.

"Hey," Brian said softly.

"Hey, you can go now. I promise not to queen out on you again," Justin replied dryly.

"Look Justin, I'm sorry about earlier. I guess I just kind of freaked out, but I didn't mean to hurt you," Brian explained quietly.

"I don't understand, Brian. I'm not asking you for anything, am I? Am I making some sort of demands that you can't offer me? Have I tried to trap you in anyway?" Justin asked.

"No, it's not you. It's me. I told you before that this is all so new to me. I've never felt about anyone like the way I feel about you. I've spent the last few years avoiding relationships. Hell, I don't even fuck anyone more than once. Now you come along and everything is different. I just don't know how to react to it all."

"Well, then go. Forget all about what happened between us and go. I don't want to cause you to feel obligated to me in any way. Thanks for a great time and I'll see you around," Justin said, his voice cracking with emotion. He knew he was once again being a drama queen, but after lying there watching Brian sleep he felt he had to say something to fix the situation. The last thing he wanted to do was make Brian feel like he was in over his head.

Brian jumped out of bed and started pacing the room as he replied. "I can't! Don't you see? I tried, but I couldn't leave. I don't want to walk away from you. My head is screaming to run away, but my heart won't let me. I know that if I walk out that door, things between us will never be the same and I can't let that happen. I just need for you to be patient with me. I need you to try to understand where I'm coming from."

Justin could see the anguish in Brian's eyes and knew how hard this was for him. He got up and went over to him, taking him in his arms. "It's okay, Brian. I won't push. Hey, I don't know what to do either. Up until a few weeks ago I thought I was straight. How about if we just do what feels right and see what happens? Maybe that's the best thing to do for now."

"I just don't want to hurt you. You've been hurt enough in the last month and I don't want to add to that," Brian replied, pulling back to look into Justin's deep blue eyes.

"You won't hurt me if you are honest with me and tell me what you are thinking. You need to stop pushing all your feelings down inside as if they don't matter. After getting a glimpse into your past I know why you do it, but I promise that I won't do anything to hurt you. You don't need to protect yourself from me."

Brian sighed before answering, "I'm going to hold you to that."

"You do that," Justin smiled and suddenly all was right with the world again.

After that everything seems to just fall into place. Brian and Justin started spending a lot of time together, which wasn't easy since Lindsay still didn't know that Justin was gay. Brian had tried to get him to talk to her, but for some reason he kept holding back. It wasn't as if she wouldn't understand since she herself was gay, but Justin just wanted to keep that side of himself separate for the time being until he felt more comfortable with it all. Brian knew he had to let him make his own decisions, but it was becoming more difficult for him to keep his personal life separate from his friends. Michael in particular was becoming a problem since he was the one who noticed the changes in him the most.

Things finally came to a head after a particularly bad week at Ryder. Brian had agreed to go to Woody's with the boys after work, which meant that he wouldn't be able to see Justin that night. After saying a long goodbye at work, the two parted and Brian headed home for a quick shower before meeting up with the gang. He strolled in about twenty minutes late to find everyone gathered around the bar, nursing their beers.

"Hey boys, I'm here so the party can get started now," Brian teased as he ordered a double beam.

"Brian! It's about time. I was starting to get worried," Michael replied.

"Mikey, I'm a big boy. I don't need you worrying about me," Brian said, downing his drink and ordering another.

"I know, it's just that you've been acting so weird lately. You're never at Babylon anymore. You hardly ever return my phone calls. Is everything alright?" Michael asked with concern.

"Everything's just fabulous."

"Oh my God!" Emmett exclaimed cheerfully. "You're seeing someone, aren't you?"

"What?"

"You're seeing someone. You've got a boyfriend!"

"Where the fuck did you get that? You know I don't do boyfriends," Brian protested, keeping his mask in place.

"Is it true Brian? Are you seeing someone?" Michael asked incredulously.

"Since when is my personal life topic for discussion?" Brian countered, anger building inside of him.

"Brian, you're our friend. If there is someone in your life, I think we have a right to know about him; to meet him," Michael said calmly. He could sense Brian's anger and knew that Emmett must have hit a nerve.

"Fuck this!" Brian exclaimed as he stormed out of the bar, leaving his confused friends behind.

He jumped in the jeep and peeled away from the curb, needing to get away from everyone. He couldn't figure out why he reacted the way he did. He could have just admitted to seeing someone and left Justin's name out of it, but for some reason sharing the information just seemed to set him off. Before he realized where he was going, he found himself pulling up outside Lindsay's house. He knew she wouldn't be home. She was chaperoning a school function and wouldn't be home until late. Reaching the door, he thought about just walking in, but decided it would be better to knock. He waited patiently until Justin answered the door.

"Brian!"

Brian responded by pulling Justin into his arms and kissing him deeply. It was a kiss fueled by anger and passion, causing Justin to moan with desire. Brian pushed them through the doorway, slamming the door behind him before making his way towards the couch. When they reached their destination, he pushed Justin back and immediately followed him down, bringing them together again without giving Justin a chance to respond. In minutes they were lost in each other, hands roaming and tongues dueling, as their need for each other kept building. Brian finally pulled back to take off his shirt, giving Justin a chance to speak.

"Is everything alright? I thought you were going out with the guys?"

"They aren't as exciting as you are," Brian replied. He reached for Justin again, but was stopped before he was able to make contact.

"Brian, what happened? I can tell something's bothering you," Justin asked, looking into Brian's eyes for some kind of clue as to what had him so worked up.

"It's nothing,"

"Don't say it's nothing. As much as I enjoyed you stalking in here like a caveman, it's definitely not your normal behavior. Tell me what happened," Justin pleaded.

"Nothing, the guys were just giving me a hard time, that's all," Brian said as he sat up.

"About what?" Justin sat up as well.

"Emmett accused me of seeing someone," Brian admitted quietly.

Justin thought about Brian's answer for a moment before replying. "Oh, and you don't want them to know that you're seeing someone."

"Yes…no…it's not that. I mean, I'm sure I'm going to be teased endlessly and be made the butt of their jokes for awhile, but I'm not worried about that. The problem is that once they find out that there is someone, they're going to want to know who it is?"

"So?" Justin asked. "Is it because I'm younger than you?"

"No, you twat! It's because you're not out yet, remember?" Brian replied with a chuckle.

"Oh, shit. I'm sorry Brian. I didn't even think about that. I'm so used to Lindsay being part of the family, I forget she's your friend, too."

"Don't worry about it. It's no big deal. They'll let it drop eventually," Brian said, once again reaching for Justin.

"It is a big deal. I don't want you to have to lie to your friends. I'll talk to Lindsay tomorrow," Justin assured him.

"You don't have to do that, Justin. You can wait until your ready. I can handle my friends."

"No, Brian, it's time. I can't keep lying to Lindsay, to everyone about who I am. I'm just sorry that I didn't think about you when I said that I wanted to wait."

"Are you sure?" Brian asked, looking for signs of doubt.

"I'm sure. Now where were we?" Justin replied huskily.

"I think we were right here," Brian said, taking Justin back in his arms. As they came together the fire between them ignited once again, and all thoughts of everyone else completely vanished. Brian ran his tongue across Justin's lips seeking entry, which he was immediately given. He gently pushed Justin on his back, covering the smaller body with his own. They were so lost in the moment and each other that neither one of them heard the front door open.

"Uh…what's going on here?" Lindsay asked, shocked by what she was seeing.

Brian pulled back quickly, jumping up and off of Justin and getting to his feet unsteadily. "Lindsay, what are you doing here?"

"I live here, remember? I think the more appropriate question is what are you doing here?" she replied, looking back and forth between Brian and Justin.

Justin could feel his whole body shaking violently at being caught and knew it was finally time to come clean, whether he was ready or not. He stood up and looked Lindsay in the eyes, but couldn't seem to come up with the words he needed to explain.

Brian sensed that Justin was having trouble and tried to come to his rescue. "Look Lindsay, we need to talk."

"You're right, we do. You can start by telling me what the fuck you were doing with my seventeen year old cousin!" Lindsay yelled.

Brian suddenly wished he was back at Woody's trying to dodge the boyfriend questions. It all of the sudden seemed like a much safer place to be.


End of part 11
5/9/04

Return to Healing the Heart