Healing the Heart

Chapter 1

Thanks to Tina for the plot bunny

Justin opened the front door and immediately noticed the eerie silence filling the house. Both his parents' cars were in the driveway, so there should have been some kind of noise coming from inside. His mother always had the radio playing if no one was watching the TV. He walked quietly through the downstairs but it appeared to be empty. Leaving his jacket on the couch, he began walking up the stairs, dreading each step he took. He glanced in every room, saving his parents bedroom for last. Tentatively, he reached out and turned the knob, not knowing that his life was going to change the minute he opened the door...


Justin was startled out of sleep by the sound of his own voice screaming in fear. He didn't recognize his surroundings, and couldn't comprehend where he was. Trying to catch his breath, he jumped when Lindsay appeared beside him.

"It's okay, Sweetie. I'm right here," She whispered softly, trying to sooth him.

But it wasn't okay. He wasn't suffering from a nightmare. He was living one. He allowed his cousin to hold him, taking away some of the loneliness he had been experiencing since that fateful day two weeks earlier. The day his whole word collapsed around him. After a few minutes, he pulled back, needing his space.

"I'm alright now, Lindsay. I'm sorry I keep waking you up at night. Maybe we should just set up a bed in the basement so I won't bother you," Justin suggested, not wanting to be anymore of a burden then he already was.

"Don't be silly, Justin. You aren't bothering me. I told you that I'm here for you. I just wish you would believe me. Now how about if we go get a cup of hot chocolate and talk for a bit?" Lindsay offered, wishing she could do more for her cousin.

He had been through so much in the last few weeks, more than any seventeen year old deserved. She wanted to help him but he refused to open up to her about what had happened. The only information she had was what the police told her when she went to Philadelphia to pick him up, and that wasn't much. Just that her Aunt was shot to death by her husband, before he turned the gun on himself. Poor Justin was the one who found the bodies. She couldn't even imagine the horror of what he saw when he walked into his home to find his parents' bodies.

"That's okay. Go back to bed. I promise I'll try not to wake you again," Justin replied with sadness.

Lindsay just sighed as she got up and walked out of the room. She knew from experience that he wouldn't take her up on her offer, just as she knew that he wouldn't go back to sleep for fear of waking her up again. She wished she had someone to talk to about what she should do, but her parents had chosen to move away and loose contact with her when they found out she was a lesbian, and Brian was still away at the seminar that his boss sent him to. He had been gone for two weeks, and didn't even know about her new charge. Luckily, he was due back in a day or two. She needed her best friend now more than ever.

Justin waited until he was sure that Lindsay was back in his room before he crept downstairs and turned on the TV. Keeping the volume low, he spent the rest of the night watching infomercials, and waiting for the sun to rise. It was his nightly ritual and he was beginning to get used to the lack of sleep. It wasn't that he wasn't tired. He just didn't want to keep waking Lindsay up every night. She needed her sleep, too. She was an art teacher at a local high school and needed to be able to stay awake throughout her day. He would get through this alone, just as his father intended.

 

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Brian walked off the plane, thrilled to finally be home. The seminar he attended was long and grueling, but he had to admit that he learned a lot while he was there. He was anxious to jump start his career and would do anything to accomplish that. Ever since he was a little boy he had wanted to make something of himself. He had the need and intense desire to show his father that he was nothing like the rest of the Kinney men, and he planned on succeeding in his mission, which is why he decided to go into advertising.

After sitting through a career assembly in his senior year of high school, he decided that getting paid to make people buy things they didn't know they needed was just for him. He did some research and found out that the Ryder Agency was one of the top ranked agencies on the east coast. He made an appointment to meet with Marty Ryder as soon as he could to discuss his future. After a lot of persuasion, Ryder agreed to hire him as an intern and let him work for the company during his four years of college provided that he kept his grades up and proved that he was serious about the job. He not only kept his promise, but excelled in his field, actually writing campaigns before he had his degree. When he graduated last spring, Ryder gave him his own office and a pretty large salary, promising him more in time. The day he told his father all about his new career was one of the happiest days of his life. Just the look of sheer envy was enough to make Brian jump for joy. He hadn't been back to see his old man since.

He found his luggage and made his way out of the airport, hailing a cab to his apartment across town. It wasn't much, but it was nice, clean and all his. He took his time unpacking and getting settled before looking at the clock and noticing the time. He reached for the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hey Linds! I'm back," Brian said, happy to hear his friends voice.

"Oh, Brian. I am so glad you are home. I didn't know if you were going to make it back today or tomorrow," Lindsay replied with excitement. She had missed him dearly.

"I just told them that I had a hot blond at home waiting for me and I needed to get home," Brian teased, thinking back to a time when he and Lindsay thought they were going to be a couple. Back before they both admitted to themselves and each other that they were gay.

"You have no idea how true that statement really is," Lindsay sighed.

"Uh oh, Linds. What's up? I can here the desperation in your voice," Brian pointed out, concerned about his friend.

Lindsay looked over to where Justin was sitting on the couch staring out the window, and knew she couldn't talk in front of him. "How about we meet at the diner? We can catch up then."

"I take it someone is there with you and you can't talk?" Brian asked, becoming more curious by the minute.

"That's right. I'll see you in an hour?"

"I'll be there. I missed you, Linds," Brian replied with tenderness.

"I missed you, too, Brian. I'll see you soon." She hung up the phone and turned to where Justin was sitting. "Justin, I'm going to be going out for awhile. Will you be alright here by yourself?"

"Lindsay, I'm not a child. Besides, I'm here alone everyday while you're at work. I think I can handle being here for a few hours," Justin assured her, hating the way she tried to baby him.

"I know, and I'm sorry. I don't mean to imply that you can't take care of yourself. Would you like me to bring you back something for dinner?" She asked, trying to change the subject.

"No, I'm fine," Justin replied, still looking out the window.

Lindsay's heart broke a little more for the sad boy in front of her as she went upstairs to get ready to meet Brian.

An hour later, Lindsay was sitting in a booth at the diner when Brian walked in.

"Brian!" She exclaimed, jumping up from her seat and into his arms.

Brian hugged her back, realizing how much he really had missed her. He pulled back, looking her in the eye and unable to resist teasing her. "Careful, Linds, or everyone is going to think we're straight."

"Oh, we can't have that. You'll never get laid," She teased back.

They sat down and signaled for the waiter to take their order. Once that was done, Brian got right down to the point of their meeting.

"Alright, what's going on?"

"Well, Brian, you remember when I told you about my Aunt who lived in Philadelphia? She's the one who had called me when I came out to my parents. She told me that even though her sister felt the need to disown me, I was still part of her family and I could call her if I ever needed her." Lindsay wait for recognition.

"Yeah, you said that although you were never really that close to her, she was your favorite Aunt," Brian replied, wondering what had happened while he was gone. Lindsay hadn't spoken of her family since she had been banned from it.

Lindsay took a deep breath before continuing. "Well, two weeks ago, her husband killed her. He shot her in the head before turning the gun on himself."

"Oh Lindsay! I am so sorry. Are you okay?" Brian asked, concern evident in his voice.

"I...I think so. It's just so unbelievable. I mean, you read about these things all the time, but it's not really supposed to happen in your own family, ya know?" She replied, wiping away a stray tear. She still couldn't believe that Jennifer was gone. Even though she didn't talk to her much, it always gave her comfort to know that she was there.

"I wish I was here for you when you needed me," Brian said, softly.

"Well, actually, you are. Craig and Jennifer have a seventeen year old son. His name is Justin and apparently I was named his guardian in the event of their death," Lindsay explained, letting her news sink in.

"Oh shit, Linds. That's tough. I take it that's why you couldn't talk earlier. He was there with you," Brian said, his heart going out to the poor kid.

"Yeah, but that's not the worst of it. He was the one who found the bodies. I only know what the police told me when I went to pick him up, but according to them Justin was out and came home to find Craig and Jennifer in their bedroom. He refuses to talk about it with anyone, and he has these nightmares. I know he's reliving that day in his mind. He wakes up screaming every night, but when I try to get him to open up, he shuts down. He keeps apologizing for waking me up and suggests putting a bed in the basement for him so that he won't bother me. I don't know what to do for him and it's breaking my heart. I was thinking that maybe you could come over occasionally. Maybe being around a guy might make him feel a little better. It's got to be hard for him. Not only am I a woman, but he hardly knows me. I haven't seen him since he was twelve and then it was only for a family reunion. Please, Brian. I know I'm asking a lot but I don't know what else to do," Lindsay pleaded, feeling like she was at her wits end.

"Okay, calm down. I'll do what I can, but I don't see how my being there will help him. I'm gay. It's not like we can bond over a football game." Brian's mind was racing over what he could possibly have in common with a seventeen year old straight boy.

"Well, that's the other favor," Lindsay said, tentatively.

"What?" Brian asked, afraid of her response.

"Do you think you could keep your sexual orientation from him? I don't mean you have to lie or anything, just don't mention that your gay," Lindsay could see Brian getting ready to object, and quickly continued. "I know you don't like to hide who you are, but Justin is a WASP, just like me. He was raised in the same homophobic family as me. I don't know how he would feel about you being gay and right now he needs a male influence more than anything else."

"But look at you? You're obviously not homophobic," Brian laughed.

"True, but I just want him to get past all of this and try to move on. Just keep it quiet for now. Eventually we'll have to be honest with him, but lets give him some time to adjust to all the changes in his life before we expose him to..."

"A bunch of queers?" Brian finished dryly.

"Well, I was going to say our family and friends, but since you put it that way, yeah, a bunch of queers," She admitted. "I haven't told Michael or Debbie any of this yet. All they know is that my cousin is staying with me for awhile, and that's only because he answers the phone occasionally. You know how overbearing they can be. If Debbie got wind of what he's been through, she'd be on my doorstep trying to hug him to death."

Brian laughed, not only because of the vision of her doing just that, but because he knew Lindsay was right. "Alright, you win. I'll play it...straight," he visibly shuddered at the thought. "Does he know you're a muncher?"

"Brian! How many times do I have to tell you not to call me that? And no, I don't think so. We've never discussed it, but with as homophobic as his father was, I'm sure it was never discussed at their dinner table. Again, I'm not going to lie to him, but I'm not going to offer any information either. We'll just wait and see what happens." Lindsay was relieved when their food arrived. She hated leaving Justin home alone so much right now and wanted to get back and check on him. It was Thursday night, so thankfully she only had one more day of work before the weekend. Maybe they could do something together, just to get him out of the house.

After taking a bite out of his Turkey sandwich, Brian continued the conversation, wondering what he was getting into. "So when would you like me to meet this kid?"

"How about tomorrow night? I'll cook dinner. We can eat around six, this way you can hang out for awhile, and still make it to Babylon."

"Sounds good, I guess. And you don't want me mentioning it to Mikey or anyone?" Brian asked to be sure.

"Not yet. You can say that you met him, just don't mention anything that has happened. As far as they know, he's just visiting." She explained.

"What about school? If he's seventeen, shouldn't he be a senior in high school?"

"No. He's very intelligent. He started school early and just graduated. His father was letting him take a year off before starting Dartmouth next September. He has a full academic scholarship waiting for him when he's ready."

"Dartmouth, huh? Not bad. So what do you think happened that caused his old man to off himself and his wife?" Brian asked, intrigued by the whole mess.

"That's the million dollar question, Brian. If anyone would know, it would be Justin, and he's not talking," Lindsay said with a sigh, as she continued to eat her dinner.

 

****************************

Justin was still sitting by the window when Lindsay got home a few hours later.

"Hey Justin, are you hungry? I know you said that you didn't want dinner, but I brought you home a few lemon bars. Want one? They're the best," Lindsay said, trying to entice him.

"No thanks, Lindsay. I'm not really hungry. Michael called while you were out. He wants you to call him," Justin told her softly.

"Oh, thanks. I'll call him now. The lemon bars will be in the kitchen if you want them," She said as she walked away. She reached for the phone, wondering what Michael could want.

"Hello?"

"Hey Michael, it's Linds. Justin said that you called while I was out."

"Hey Linds. I wanted to tell you that I'm planning a surprise party for Ben. It'll be two weeks from Saturday. You'll come, won't you?" Michael asked.

"Of course I'll come, Michael. Ben seems like a really nice guy. I think you just might have found the one," Lindsay assured him. Michael and Ben had been seeing each other for a few months now. He was a professor at Carnegie Mellon and has helped Michael grow up a bit since they began dating. Everyone could see that Michael had a slight crush on Brian at first, but now that Ben was in his life, it was obvious that the crush was over. He had found the real thing with Ben.

"Thanks Lindsay. I think so, too. Have you heard from Brian? Is he home yet?" Michael asked, still missing his friend.

"He got back today. I'm sure he'll be calling you shortly. How's your Mom and Vic?"

"Oh, you know, the usual. Try to run my life and driving me crazy," Michael laughed.

"So nothing's new, huh? You know, you're very lucky to have them. I wish my family was as accepting as they are," Lindsay sighed.

"I know, Linds. I just hate it when I bring a boyfriend home to meet them and they ask him how much money he makes and what kind of car he drives," Michael said, still shuddering at the memory of the other night when he had introduced them to Ben.

"They didn't!"

"Oh, but they did! I was so embarrassed. Luckily, Ben thought it was cute and laughed the whole thing of. I, on the other hand, wished the ground would open up and swallow me whole," Michael laughed at the memory.

"Well, look at it this way. If Ben is the one, you won't have to worry about the introductions anymore," Lindsay pointed out with a smile.

"Thank God!" Michael exclaimed in response. "Anyway, I better get going. I still have to call Ted and Emmett. I'll talk to you later."

"Okay, talk to you later, Michael." Lindsay hung up the phone and jumped when she heard Justin behind her.

"Lindsay?"

"Justin! Oh goodness, you scared me. You are so quiet around here. What's the matter? Do you need something?" She asked, hoping he was going to ask for dinner.

"No, I just wanted to tell you that I'm going for a walk. I'll be back in a little while," Justin explained.

"Oh...alright. Be careful, okay?"

Justin just nodded his head as he turned and headed out the door. He needed to get away for awhile. Lindsay was really good to him, but he knew that he was nothing but an intrusion in her life. She was a single woman in her twenty's and the last thing she needed was to have a teenager hanging around the house all the time. He walked down the street, stopping at the park on the corner. Taking a seat on one of the swings, he allowed his mind to drift back to the last time he saw his parents. His mother had been in the kitchen cooking breakfast.

"Justin, honey, do you want sausage with your eggs?" Jennifer had asked, as if it was any other day.

"Mom, don't you think we need to talk about this? Have you even mentioned anything to Dad yet?" Justin had asked, worried about his father's reaction.

"Not yet. That's why I want you to go out for the day. Let me talk to him alone and explain things. Besides, it's not as if we're leaving for good. I just want him to get some help. We've discussed it before, but he never follows through with anything. I'm hoping that by you and I leaving for awhile, it will make him see how important this is," Jennifer explained, hoping that she was right. She was a little worried about confronting Craig alone, but wanted Justin to be away from the house just in case he went into another one of his rages. Justin had suffered enough at the hands of his father. She couldn't let it happen again.

"But what about you, Mom? I don't want him to hurt you again," Justin asked in a pleading voice.

"I'll be fine, Honey. Don't worry about me. Your father may have a bad temper, but I know that he loves me. He wouldn't do anything to really hurt me," She replied, wondering if she was trying to convince Justin or herself.

"I'll be back here by 2:00, so you better have talked to him by then," Justin said, taking his breakfast plate to the table.

"That's plenty of time. Don't worry, everything's going to be okay," she assured him with a smile.

But it wasn't okay. Justin had finished his breakfast and said good bye to his mother, expecting to see her later that day. What he didn't expect was to see her laying on the floor at the foot of her bed, surrounded by a pool of her own blood. He knew immediately that she was gone and that his father was the one that was responsible. What shocked him even more was when he walked in the room on badly shaken legs to find his father's body, also in a heap on the floor. He ran from the room and downstairs, reaching for the phone. When the 911 operator answered, he spoke calmly into the phone.

"My father killed my mother and then himself."

He couldn't remember much after that. He knew that the police showed up quickly, ushering him outside to one of their patrol cars. He sat there, watching the buzz of activity around his childhood home with one thought running through his mind. It was all his fault. He knew that Craig was abusive. He had first hand experience on how abusive he really was, yet he still left his mother alone with him. Knowing that he would react badly when he found out that his wife and son were moving out, Justin still went out for the day, sealing his mother's fate. He would never forgive himself for that.

And sitting there under the stars, letting out his pain and guilt where no one could see him, he looked up and said the same words he said quietly every night before bed.

"I'm so sorry, Mom."

End of part 1
2/2/04
 

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