A Fine Line

Part 2

As the days passed by quickly, Justin couldn’t seem to get Brian out of his mind. His thoughts always went back to the night they shared which caused him to harden at the memories that flashed through his mind. He managed to avoid the other man, giving Michael excuses for why he couldn’t work at the shop and causing them to work at his apartment every night. Everything was working out just fine until the day he received a phone call from his mother, shattering his world.

Justin was sitting home on a Friday night waiting for Michael to arrive when his phone rang. He answered it, expecting it to be Michael.

“Hello?”

“Justin? It’s Mom,” Jennifer said quietly into the phone.

“Hey Mom. Listen, I can’t really talk right now. My boss is on his way over so we can start working on our ideas for the next issue,” Justin explained.

“Justin, I…uh…oh Sweetheart,” Jennifer cried as she burst into tears.

“Mom? What it is? What’s wrong?” Justin asked his heart racing at the sound of his mother’s tears.

“It’s your father….he…” she took a deep breath before continuing. “He collapsed at work this afternoon.”

“What? Is he okay?”

“Justin, I think you should come home,” Jennifer whispered.

“Mom…is he okay?” Justin repeated, ignoring his mother’s request.

“No, he’s not. I’m so sorry Honey. The doctors said that…that…his heart wasn’t strong enough. He…he…he’s gone.”

Justin sat there with the phone to his ear as a cold feeling washed over him. His father was dead. Gone, just like that. He wanted to scream or cry, but he couldn’t. He just felt empty inside.

“Justin? Honey? Are you alright?” Jennifer asked in concern.

“Huh? Uh…yeah, I’m okay. Where’s Molly? Is she okay? Are you okay?” Justin asked, pushing his feelings aside.

“Molly’s up in her room. She hasn’t said much since we got home from the hospital. I tried calling you earlier, but you didn’t answer your phone. I didn’t want to leave a message. He was already gone by the time the ambulance arrived so there was nothing you could have done,” Jennifer explained.

“Yeah…I uh…went down to the deli for dinner. Mom, you didn’t answer my question. Are you okay?” he persisted.

“I’m not sure; I guess. It all seems so unreal to me right now. I keep looking at the door expecting…expecting him to…walk through it.”

“Look…I…uh…just need a little time to myself. Will you be alright for awhile? I’ll come now if you need me to.” Justin knew that he’d have to be the strong one right now. He’s mother and sister needed him. He just wanted a little time to let the information sink in.

“We’ll be fine, but I’m worried about you,” Jennifer replied.

“I’m alright, Mom. I’ll be there in a little while, okay?”

“Okay, just be careful on your way over. And Justin, I love you,” Jennifer said, her voice cracking with emotion.

“I love you too, Mom. And don’t worry. We’ll be okay,” Justin assured her before hanging up the phone. Just as he went to walk away, the phone rang again.

“Hello?”

“Hey Justin, one of my employees called out for tonight, so I’m going to have to cancel our brainstorming session,” Michael told him.

Justin had forgotten about his plans for the night and was relieved that Michael had to cancel. He wasn’t ready to talk about what happened with anyone and this made it easier.

“That’s okay. I’ll call you tomorrow and we can talk more then. Bye.” Justin hung up before Michael had a chance to reply, heading into the bathroom and ignoring the phone when it rang again.

Michael stared at the phone, wondering why Justin wasn’t answering. He had heard something in the blond’s voice that worried him, especially when he ended the call so abruptly, and was trying to reach him again to no avail. Finally hanging up on the answering machine, Michael was lost in thought when Brian walked in.

“Hey Mikey, what’re your plans for the night?” Brian asked in his carefree way.

“Huh?”

“I asked what your plans are for the night. Is something wrong?”

“Uh…no….I mean, I don’t know. I think there might be something wrong with Justin,” Michael admitted, still looking at the phone in his hand.

At the mention of Justin’s name, Brian felt a catch in his chest, but pushed it away. “What do you mean?”

“Well, we were supposed to be working on Rage tonight, but someone called out sick so I’m stuck here. When I called to tell him, he seemed so out of it. I could tell there was something wrong,” Michael explained.

“Did you ask him about it?”

“I would’ve, but he didn’t give me a chance. He just said he’d talk to me tomorrow and hung up before I had time to react. I didn’t even get to say good bye.”

Brian immediately began to worry. He knew that Justin’s WASP upbringing prevented him from being rude, especially to a friend. “Maybe he was in the shower or something,” he suggested.

“I doubt it. I was supposed to be there fifteen minutes ago. I doubt if he was in the shower. I tried calling right back but he didn’t answer. He had to be there. We’d just hung up. Do you think you could…?” Michael’s voice trailed off.

“What Mikey?”

“Do you think you could go over there and check on him? I know you two don’t really like each other, but I’m really worried about him. All you have to do is make sure that he’s okay. It’ll take like five minutes. He doesn’t live too far from here.” Michael wondered if sending Brian was a good idea, but he didn’t know what else to do. He couldn’t close up the shop that early and he was worried about his friend.

Brian sighed. He’d managed to avoid Justin for over a week and now he was being forced to face the other man for the first time since the day after their truce. Yet if Michael was really worried about him, then maybe someone needed to check up on him and see what was going on. “Alright, what’s his address?”

Brian pretended to listen to the directions that Michael was giving him, since he already knew where he was going, and then promised to call as soon as he talked to Justin before heading to the blond’s apartment.

Justin splashed some cold water on his face before heading towards the kitchen and the bottle of beam he kept there. Forgoing a glass, Justin brought the bottle to his lips and drank, ignoring the burn of the amber liquid as it rolled down his throat. He needed to be numb so that he could go to his mother and sister and help them through the devastating loss. Downing a few more sips, he made his way to the couch, barely noticing the darkness that was overtaking the small apartment. He suddenly heard a knock on the door and tried to ignore it. There wasn’t anyone that he wanted to see at the moment. He waited a few moments, hoping that the person would go away, but when the knocking persisted, he sighed and made his way to the door, surprised to find Brian on the other side.

“Brian!”

“Hey there, Sunshine. Are you going to let me in?” Brian asked, using the nickname that Debbie had chosen for him.

Justin stepped back in stunned silence as Brian walked past him and entered the room. “What are you doing here?”

“I went to see Mikey and he was worried about you. He said that you didn’t sound right and that you all but hung up on him. He asked me to come by and check on you. By the looks of things, he wasn’t far off the mark.” Brian took in the darkened room and the bottle of beam on the table and knew something was up.

“Yeah, I’m sorry about that. I’ll apologize to him later. I’m just dealing with some family stuff right now and my mind isn’t with it,” Justin explained, feeling the tears building behind his eyes. He needed to get Brian out of there. “But as you can see, I’m fine. Tell Michael that I’ll call him tomorrow.”

“Not so fast, Sunshine. It appears that you’re trying to get rid of me. Do you want to talk about whatever has you drinking alone in the dark?”

“No…I told you, it’s just family stuff. I’m okay,” Justin tried to assure him, failing miserably. “Now if there’s nothing else.”

“Justin.”

“Look Brian, I said I’m fine. It’s nothing for you to…” his voice broke off with a sob, his emotions coming to the surface.

Brian saw the anguish in Justin’s face as he broke down and held out his arms in support, startled when the blond threw himself into his arms and cried. Still being clueless as to what was wrong, Brian led Justin to the couch and lowered them both down, while giving Justin time to calm down. When the sobs turned to soft hiccups, Brian pulled back and using his hand, forced Justin to look up at him.

“Now, do you want to tell me what has you so upset? I’m not always the bastard that everyone thinks I am,” Brian said softly.

“My father…he’s…he’s gone. He collapsed at work and they called an ambulance…but it was too late.” Justin said, the words sounding foreign to his own ears. There had to be some mistake. He father couldn’t be dead. He just couldn’t be.

“Shit, Justin, I’m sorry. Why didn’t you say anything to Mikey? He’s your friend and I’m sure he would’ve been here for you,” Brian said, stunned by Justin’s words.

“I know…but…I have to be strong for my mother and sister. I…can’t fall apart. They need me right now.” Justin got up, embarrassed by his breakdown and walked over to the window, starting out at the city below.

Brian could see the slump of Justin’s shoulders and felt for the man. He’d never been close to his own family, but knew from talking to Mikey that the Taylor’s were a close knit family. He slowly got up and approached Justin, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. “I know that this isn’t easy for you, but you can’t turn off your feelings to make others feel better.”

”That’s funny coming from you, Brian. What do you know about feelings?” Justin laughed bitterly.

“I know enough to know that keeping things inside will only make it harder for you in the end.”

“I’m fine Brian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to get to my mother’s house. She’s waiting for me,” Justin took a step away from Brian and stumbled from the alcohol he drank and the emotions he was feeling.

“Justin, you’re in no condition to drive right now. Let me call Mikey for you,” Brian said as he reached out and steadied the man.

“No, I don’t want him to know right now. He’s got to work and I’m not going to pull him away from his shop,” Justin replied sternly.

Brian sighed at Justin’s stubbornness. “Fine, let’s go. I’ll drive you.”

“You?” Justin asked incredulously. “Brian, you don’t have to do that. It’s Friday night. I’m sure you’re anxious to get to Babylon or something.”

“It’s no big deal. The boys of Babylon aren’t going anywhere. They’ll all still be there on their knees waiting for me when I get there,” Brian teased.

“Your arrogance is amazing,” Justin laughed.

“It’s not arrogance. It’s self assurance. There’s a difference. Besides, you’ve had me. Wouldn’t you say I have a reason to be…self assured?”

Justin wanted to say something cleaver, but he couldn’t. Brian was right. He had every reason to be self assured. It was the best fuck of Justin’s life. “Alright, let’s go.”

The ride to Justin’s family home was made in comfortable silence. Brian knew that Justin was distraught and wanted to give him some time to take in all that happened before he had to face his family. He was also trying to figure out why he had agreed to drive him to begin with. It wasn’t Brian’s style to offer himself to others unless it had to do with Mikey. Or even one of the other schleps of their group. New people were never let in before; until Justin appeared and caused Brian to react out of character. Spending the night was his first slip. A morning fuck was the second and now this. The next thing Brian knew he’d be going to meetings at the GLC and looking at china patterns. Brian visibility shuddered at the thought.

Justin watched the scenery go by, conscious of sitting so close to Brian. He was still surprised that the older man offered him a ride. They never liked each other and aside from the drunken night when they got carried away, they hardly even spoke to each other. Now Brian was driving him to his mother’s, helping him get through the worst night of his life. If Justin didn’t watch himself, he’d start actually liking the guy and that wasn’t a good idea. The last thing he needed was to fall under the Kinney charm that he’d heard so much about. “Turn left up there,” Justin said when he saw they were approaching his old neighborhood.

A few moments later, the jeep pulled up outside a huge white house with a picket fence. Brian couldn’t help but notice the difference between the house Justin grew up in and the one the Kinney’s called home. Just one more thing they didn’t have in common. Justin brought him out of his thoughts.

“Thanks for the ride, Brian. I really appreciate it. Please don’t say anything to Michael just yet. I’ll call him tomorrow. I’d just rather not deal with anyone right now.”

“It’s your choice. Just remember that he’ll be there if you need him.” Brian noticed the sadness in Justin’s eyes and he actually felt bad for him. Brian could care less if anything happened to his old man, but obviously Justin loved his father very much and was really affected by his sudden death.

“Later,” Justin said as he climbed out of the jeep.

Brian mumbled a reply and watched as Justin made his way into the house before taking off and heading to Babylon. The only problem was that once he was there, he couldn’t seem to get the sad blue eyes out of his mind. He cruised a few guys, but his lack of interest was very disturbing. By midnight, when it was obvious that he wasn’t really into the whole seek and fuck scene, Brian made his way back to the jeep, headed in the direction of Justin’s mother’s, refusing to think about his actions.

Justin had entered the house to find his mother in a crying heap on the couch. When she realized that she wasn’t alone, she did her best to pull herself together, but failed miserably. It took all of Justin’s strength to keep himself from falling apart while he consoled his mother and sister. He was the man of the family now, so he had to push aside his own feelings and help them through. It was his duty and he wouldn’t let them down. By midnight, both females were sound asleep and Justin was feeling very restless. He’d paced the house for awhile, drinking some of his father’s old scotch, and reliving memories that rushed his mind as he looked around at the house he grew up in. He couldn’t believe that his father was gone. It happened so suddenly; so fast that Justin’s brain hadn’t had time to process it yet. What would they do now? How would the family survive such a devastating loss? When Justin felt the walls closing in, he scribbled his mother a note in case she woke up, claiming that he needed to get out for awhile and walked out into the quiet night. He didn’t know where he was going; only that he couldn’t stay there any longer. As he walked down the street, he was so lost in thought that he never heard the sound of the car behind him or of someone approaching until he felt a hand on his shoulder, making him jump in fear.

“Take it easy, Sunshine. It’s only me,” Brian said softly, trying to comfort the other man.

“Brian? What are you doing here?” Justin asked incredulously.

“Pickings were slim tonight, so I cut out early. The question is what are you doing here? It’s the middle of the night. You shouldn’t be out walking the streets,” Brian replied wondering why he cared.

“I had to get out. I just couldn’t stay there any longer. There are just too many memories…” Justin’s voice trailed off as he fought the urge to cry.

“Come on,” Brian said softly as he led Justin to the jeep.

Once they were both inside, Brian took off, heading away from the house. Justin was grateful to be getting away but was surprised when he realized that they weren’t going in the direction of his apartment. “Brian, where are we going?”

Brian just looked over and smiled before focusing on the road, refusing to offer any hints of their destination causing Justin to become confused. As they headed away from the city, his confusion grew even more, but he kept quiet waiting to see where Brian was taking him. He was surprised a short time later when Brian pulled the jeep onto a deserted dirt road.

“Brian, where are we?”

“I’d tell you, but then I’d have to kill you. If Mikey knew about this place I’d never have a moment’s peace,” Brian chuckled as he parked the jeep off to the side, grabbing a small flash light from inside the glove compartment before jumping out.

Justin hesitantly followed and climbed out, joining Brian at the hood of the jeep. He felt Brian grab his hand and gently pull him towards a small trail. They walked through the darkened trail hand in hand, neither one of them saying anything until they got to their destination. He looked over to where the light was shining and realized it was a small clearing that had a large rock sitting right in the middle of it. The trees were sparse enough that the night sky could be seen clearly and Justin was amazed at the view of the moon and stars. He felt Brian let go of his hand and was disappointed by the loss as he watched Brian climb up and plant himself in the middle of the rock, sitting with his legs folded in front of him. Still confused as to why they were there, Justin copied his movements and pretty soon they were sitting side by side together under the stars. If it was anyone else, Justin would have called it romantic, but knowing Brian the way that he did, he shook those thoughts away and just looked up into the darkness waiting for Brian to say something.

“What I was young, I never really got along with my parents. They hated me at first sight,” Brian began softly. He wasn’t sure why he even brought Justin there, let alone why he was sharing a part of himself with the blond. All he knew was that he hated the memory of those sad blue eyes and wanted to make that sadness go away.

“Brian, I’m sure they didn’t hate you.”

“Oh, but they did Sunshine. You see, I was an accident that Joanie couldn’t fix because of her religious beliefs, which if you think about it is funny. The Lord wouldn’t let her take my life before it began, but he had no problem letting her stand by while my old man beat the shit out of me every other day. Anyway, the only one who was ever nice to me was my grandmother on my father’s side. She was the only one who ever paid any attention to the bruises that I had and knew that something was going on. I used to turn to her when things got too bad and she would comfort me in ways that no one else could. When I was fourteen, we moved to Pittsburgh and away from Grandmom Kinney. Michael and Debbie became my protectors after that, but my grandmother was always just a phone call away until I turned sixteen. She died one night in her sleep. That night, I got in my car and started driving recklessly, convinced that I didn’t want to go on anymore. Stupid, I know, but that’s the mind of a teenager. Something made me drive down this dark dirt road and I ended up here. I sat here all night watching the stars and wondering what I was going to do without her. I was just about to head back to the car when I looked up and saw a shooting star. Some of the things my grandmother said to me while I was growing up came to mind and I knew then that she was still there, watching over me. I made up my mind to finish school and get the hell away from my parents and become something bigger then I ever imagined. I was going to do it for me, but also to show her that her faith in me wasn’t wasted,” Brian sighed as he remembered that night.

“Wow, so you’re not the asshole that everyone thinks you are,” Justin teased, trying to lighten the mood.

“Oh, I’m an asshole alright. I just have a little sliver of decency in me that no one knows about,” Brian replied quietly. “Except you.”

Justin looked deep into Brian’s eyes and was surprised by what he saw there. Gone was the hard assed attitude and arrogance. What was left was a man with feelings and compassion. Someone that Justin hardly recognized, but felt he had connected with on the night they shared. Slowly he reached up and placed his hand behind Brian’s neck, hesitating before pulling him down and into a soft kiss. It was meant to be brief, a thank you for bringing him there and sharing a part of himself, but it quickly turned into something more as their mutual attraction took over. Brian’s tongue began to push its way into Justin’s mouth, which Justin immediately accepted. They relished in the taste of each other as their hands found their way to the other’s clothing and quickly began to remove the unwanted barriers. Moments later they were sprawled out together on the rock, oblivious to the cold, hard piece of nature beneath them. Memories of lost loved ones momentarily forgotten while they lost themselves in each other and when Brian finally entered Justin, there was no one left on the earth but them.

Once they were done and finally satisfied, they laid together under the stars lost in thought. Brian was confused by what had happened, but Justin wasn’t. He felt the strange connection between them the last time they were together and although he didn’t understand it, he knew it was there. He waited patiently for Brian to say something, knowing the other man was trying to come to grips with what had happened. He’d broken his own rules to his one fuck only policy and that had to be something that didn’t sit right with him.

“I guess we better get back, huh?” Brian said a short time later after giving up on thinking.

“Brian, I don’t know exactly what’s happening between us but you don’t have to be afraid. I’m not going to try to force you into anything. I’m a little confused by it all myself. How about if we just put it behind us and carry on as we have? You know where to find me if you need me,” Justin said as he got up and began searching for his clothes.

Brian didn’t respond, instead he tried pushing what had just happened out of his mind. Justin was a good fuck. That was all. Nothing was happening between them. It couldn’t. Brian didn’t need anyone.

By the time Brian pulled up outside the house for the second time that night, he was anxious to get Justin out of his jeep and out of his mind. “Later,” he whispered.

“Later…and thanks again.”

Brian watched to make sure Justin got inside safely before peeling away in a rush to forget all that had happened.

The next morning Brian woke up to a pounding headache, more from the emotions he felt the night before than anything he might have had to drink. He still couldn’t believe that he shared his past with anyone, never mind that it was Justin. Refusing to think about the blond anymore, Brian climbed out of bed and showered before heading to the diner. It was too late to meet the guys for breakfast, so Brian sat alone and drank his coffee before heading to the comic book store. Michael practically jumped him the minute he walked through the door.

“You asshole! I waited all night for you to call me. Did you see Justin? Is everything alright?”

“Sorry Mikey, something came up. Justin was fine. He just had some family stuff to deal with. He was on his way out as I got there,” Brian lied, using his mask to hide the truth.

“What kind of family stuff?” Michael questioned.

“How the fuck should I know? Did you really think he was going to open up to me? We’re not exactly friends, you know,” Brian replied angrily.

“I know, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to take it out on you. I’m just worried about him. I keep calling him but no one answers at his apartment and his cell phone is off. Maybe I should…” his next words were interrupted by the sound of the phone ringing.

Brian watched Michael on the phone and realized quickly that it was Justin. He had to force himself to act disinterested while inside he was anxious to talk to the younger man and see how he was doing. When Michael finally hung up the phone, Brian waited for him to share what he learned, knowing it wouldn’t take long.

“That was Justin,” Michael said.

“I figured,” Brian replied dryly.

“The family shit he was going through was his father dying. I can’t believe he didn’t tell me! I would have closed up the shop and been there for him,” Michael ranted, obviously upset by Justin’s call. “I know we haven’t known each other very long, but I still thought we were friends. Why didn’t he call me immediately?”

“Michael, calm down,” Brian demanded gently. “Maybe he just wanted to be alone for awhile. Not everyone needs to be surrounded by people when going through something like that. He called you now, so obviously he considers you to be a friend. How did he sound?”

“I don’t know. Detached, I guess. Like he was talking about it happening to someone else, not him. I offered to stop by after work, but he’s staying at his mother’s house until after the funeral. It’s on Monday, so I guess I’d better let Ma and the others know. They really like Justin so I’m sure they’ll want to be there. I wouldn’t imagine you’d want to go.”

If only Michael knew how much he wanted to be there. “I’ll go. I can’t be absent from the family gathering. What would everyone think of me?” Brian teased, trying to cover his tracks.

“That you’re the self centered asshole that we all know and love?” Michael replied with a smirk.

“Funny Mikey, very funny. Let me know what time the services are on Monday and I’ll clear my schedule. I’d better get going. I have a lot of work to do this weekend. Brown Athletics is requesting a new idea and I have to be brilliant.”

“You always are,” Michael assured him, kissing him goodbye.

Once Brian was gone, he headed back to the loft, determined to get some work done. He hit the play button on his answering machine and was walking into the kitchen to get a bottle of water when he heard Justin’s voice calling out through the quiet loft.

“Hey Brian, its Justin. I just wanted to thank you again for last night. I guess you’re not home…I’ll just talk to you later.”

Brian reached for the phone, ready to call Justin back when he thought better of it. He was with his family, where he belonged. There was no need for him to call. Instead, he threw himself into his work and was surprised hours later to notice the sun had gone down without him realizing it. He ordered dinner to be delivered and by the time 10:00 rolled around the thought of going out didn’t appeal to him; something that never happened before on a Saturday night. He was in bed by midnight with all the lights off when the phone rang. Looking at the caller ID, he was surprised to see that it was Justin calling from his parents’ house.

“Hey,” he said softly when he answered.

“Brian, what are you doing there?” Justin asked in surprise.

“I live here, remember?” Brian laughed.

“I know…I just didn’t think you’d be home this early on a Saturday night. I’m not interrupting anything, am I?” Visions of Brian fucking some nameless trick entered his mind but he pushed them away.

“No, I wouldn’t have answered the phone if you were. Why are you calling me if you didn’t think I’d be home?” Brian asked.

“I…uh…don’t know, really. I was just sitting here in the dark thinking when I decided to call. I don’t have your cell number, so this was the best I could do.” Justin knew it was a lame excuse, but he didn’t know what to say. He could only imagine what Brian would think if he told him the truth. That he just wanted to hear the older man’s voice, even if it was on a machine.

“I see. Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I guess. We got all of the arrangements made. My mom was pretty upset through it all so I made most of the decisions. I hope I made the right ones. My sister is taking this pretty hard. She doesn’t come out of her room much and when she does you can tell by looking at her that she’s been crying. Tomorrow most of the family is coming in so I’ll be going back to my apartment to allow someone else to have my old room. My grandparents are here now and they seem pretty weak. I guess it’s not easy to lose a son, no matter how old they are.” Justin could tell he was rambling, but he couldn’t seem to stop it. Talking was the only thing keeping him from crying.

“Okay, you’ve told me about everyone else, but that’s not what I asked. I asked how you’re doing,” Brian prodded.

“I don’t really know. I’m not sure I’ve accepted everything yet. Between taking care of my mother and sister, now my grandparents, too…I guess I really haven’t had time to think about what’s going to happen next. I mean, there’s so much to do. I’m also thinking that I might have to give up my apartment and move back in here to help out,” Justin sighed at the thought.

“What? Why would you give up your apartment? I know you’re mother’s having a hard time right now, but she’ll be okay. She just needs to grieve a little first. Hang on to your apartment. You’re going to need it. Have you eaten anything today?”

“Not really. I’m not that hungry,” Justin admitted quietly.

“I’m picking you up in twenty minutes. Be ready.”

Justin was about to object when the line went dead signaling that Brian had hung up. He grabbed the jeans he’d discarded earlier and got dressed as ordered and scribbled another note for his mother before going outside to wait for Brian to arrive. Once he settled in the jeep he looked over at Brian and voiced the question that had been plaguing him since their phone conversation.

“Why are you being so nice to me? You hate me.”

“I never said I hated you, Justin,” Brian replied before noticing the skeptical look that Justin was giving him. “Well, you hate me, too.”

“I used to. Not anymore,” Justin corrected softly.

“Me neither,” Brian whispered before they both fell into a comfortable silence.

A half hour later, Brian and Justin were the only ones sitting in the all night diner out on the interstate. Brian insisted that Justin order a real meal and refused to leave until he finished it, so Justin sat there quietly picking at his food while Brian observed him, unsure of what to say to make things better. He wasn’t even sure why it mattered so much. He only knew that it did.

“Brian,” Justin started when he couldn’t take the silence anymore. “I appreciate all that you’re doing for me, but I’m fine, really. I just need to get through the next few days and I’ll be okay.”

“Eat,” Brian demanded.

“But…”

“Eat; we’ll talk when you’re done.” Brian left no room for discussion so Justin slowly started eating, surprised by how hungry he actually was. By the time the waitress came to remove his plate there was nothing left.

“Wow, I didn’t think I was that hungry,” Justin admitted sheepishly. Brian gave him his best ‘I told you so’ look causing Justin to laugh. “You’re very proud of yourself, aren’t you?”

“Of course I am,” Brian replied with a smile. “Now let’s get out of here.”

On the ride back, Justin opened up to Brian a little, telling him about his childhood and what his father had been like. Brian envied him and his past, wishing he’d been raised in a warm loving home instead of the igloo that Jack and Joan provided. It was nice to see some of the pain and sadness disappear for awhile, but it was short lived. As soon as they pulled up outside the house Justin’s mood changed suddenly as he remembered that the memories he was sharing were all he had left of his father. When Brian killed the engine Justin turned to him, tears glistening in his eyes.

“I feel like I should be stronger. I’m twenty two years old. I should be able to handle this on my own, but I can’t. My dad was my dad. He was supposed to be here to chase away the bad things in life, but now that something bad has happened, he’s not here to help me. I know that sounds selfish, but he left me alone to handle things for him and I don’t know if I can.”

“Justin, I won’t say that I know what you’re going through. I don’t know how I’d feel if my old man died, but I don’t think I’d be upset about it. All I can say is that you’re stronger than you think. You survived prom night, and you’ll survive this too. Just stop thinking that you’re not allowed to grieve. It’s great that you want to be there for your family, but you don’t have to be superman. You’re allowed to fall apart just like everyone else,” Brian assured him, not sure of where the comforting words were coming from.

“But what happens if I fall apart and I can’t pull it together again? Then what?”

“That’s not going to happen. No one is going to let that happen, I promise.”

Justin nodded his head, his emotions so close to the surface. He leaned in and kissed Brian quickly before jumping out of the jeep and heading inside, barely saying goodbye as he went. He needed to get away from Brian and be alone. Not only did he need to think about what father would want him to do now that he’s gone, but on top of that, he had a bigger problem. What to do with the fact that he was slowly falling in love with Brian.

Sunday was a long day for Justin. His family was finally coming together and the house that seemed so empty only two days before was suddenly filled to capacity with relatives from all over the place. He was seeing aunts, uncles, and cousins he hadn’t seen in years; each one offering their condolences and wanting to help. By the time 9:00 rolled around he was ready to get back to his apartment. Jennifer insisted he take her car so that he could be back early before the services and Justin was grateful for that. The thought of taking a bus just didn’t appeal to him. As he entered the small apartment and shed his sweatshirt, his eyes noticed a package off in the corner that wasn’t there before with a note attached to it from the super. Apparently it was delivered to the leasing office late Friday afternoon and he wasn’t home so the super brought it up for him while he was there to fix the leaking pipe in the bathroom. When he saw the return address his hands started shaking and tears began running down his face. He staggered to the couch and sat down while running a hand across the name on the front. It was from his father. Taking a few minutes to pull himself together, Justin finally opened envelope that was attached to the front of the package and read the note inside.

Justin,

I know your mother and I have been giving you a hard time about moving out, but it’s only because we love you and want to protect you. I understand your need for independence. Hell, I moved out before I even graduated from college. Here’s a little something to tell you how proud I am of you. You’re the best son a man could ever ask for.

Love,
Dad

P.S. Don’t tell your mother. This is between us. She thinks I’m still on her side and I’d like to keep it that way. You know how uncomfortable the couch can be.

Justin laughed through his tears and he read the last part. He always thought it was his mother’s idea to have him stay at home. Now he was sure. Carefully placing the note aside, he opened the box to find a beautiful art case, complete with everything an artist would need inside. The gift said everything that he’d always known. That his father approved of the life he was choosing to live. As the tears poured down his face, Justin looked upwards and said a silent thank you to his father, hoping that he was up in heaven watching him. It was the best present he ever received.

Monday came around way too quickly for Justin’s taste. He woke up with a heavy heart, trying to come to grips with the fact that they were going to be burying his father. The sun was shining, which felt strange to him. Why would the sun shine on such a horrible day? Dragging himself out of bed, he showered slowly, wishing he could stop the clock for just a little while longer and thought about what the day held for them all. There was no doubt that his mother would be distraught, and poor Molly was falling to pieces. He needed to hold it all together for just bit longer, then he’d be able to have the break down he’d been keeping inside since Friday. Once Justin was dressed, he made his way outside and drove over to his parents’ house. He could hear some quiet laughter as he opened the door and stayed back to listen to what was being said. His family was sitting around the living room telling stories of his father’s early years and although it was sad to know he was gone, listening to those who loved him talk about the good times made Justin feel a little better. He took a deep breath before making his presence known and joined in on the story telling. Before long it was time to go and the entire family made their way to the funeral home. Justin sat with his mother, sister, and grandparents in the front pew, unable to take his eyes off his father laid out before them. He hated to see him lying lifeless in the box. It wasn’t the father he had shared his life with. As the reverend led the service, Justin thought about all that he wanted to say to honor the man who had given him a wonderful life, and when the time came he was more than ready. He took his place at the podium and looked out over the faces around the room, thankful that his father was loved by so many. Taking a deep breath, he began to pay tribute to Craig Taylor.

“As you all know, my father was a wonderful man to his friends and family. He was always there for those who needed him without ever expecting anything in return. My childhood was filled with love and laughter because of him and my mother, both of whom were the best parents any child could ask for, but I think the thing that stands out most to me was the day I came out to them. For those of you who may not know, I’m gay. It was something that was very hard for me to admit to; even to myself. When I turned seventeen I decided it was time to tell my parents. I wasn’t really worried about telling my mother. I guess I always knew that she would accept me for who I was. My biggest concern was in telling Dad. He spent so many years trying to teach me how to be a man. We talked about what it was like to be a husband and father, and he longed for the day when I would graduate from college and settle down to start a family. I was so worried about disappointing him that I didn’t sleep for days. When I finally found the courage to tell him, I was terrified. I was sure he was going to throw a fit, but he didn’t. He sat there for a minute, letting it all soak in and then he looked me in the eye and told me that it didn’t matter; that I was his son and he loved me no matter what. Then he made a lame joke about how I was on my own in the relationship department because he’d spent twenty five years trying to figure women out and he still didn’t get them. He said he wasn’t about to try to figure out men.”

Justin paused and wiped his eyes while others in the room laughed at the memory he was sharing. He smiled before continuing.

“Craig Taylor was a wonderful man and an amazing husband and father and I just hope that one day I will be as great a man as he was.”

When Justin was finished he turned towards the casket and walked over, placing a soft kiss on his father’s cheek before making his way back to his seat. As he sat down, he caught sight of Brian sitting along side of Michael and smiled, stunned to see that he took off work to be there for him. It meant more to Justin than anything else.

After the service, they all went to the cemetery where Justin stood by and watched his father being lowered into the ground. He tried so hard to be strong, but he couldn’t hold back the tears anymore, and as he clung to his mother and his sister he finally let go of the anguish he’d been feeling. Brian was watching from afar wishing he was in a position to offer comfort to the poor man, but with Michael standing guard, along with Justin’s family Brian stayed back and watched the blond fall apart, feeling helpless. Eventually everyone started leaving the cemetery but Justin continued to stand there looking down at the casket. His mother and Michael were trying to get him to leave but it was as if Justin wasn’t really there. He didn’t respond to their efforts and Brian finally stepped in to help.

“Michael, why don’t you take Mrs. Taylor back to the car and give Justin and me a minute alone?”

“What? Why would I do that?” Michael asked incredulously, refraining from pointing out the hatred that Brian and Justin shared in front of Justin’s mother.

“I think I might be able to help,” Brian said, noticing the confused look on Michael’s face. “Trust me on this one, Mikey.”

Michael continued to stare at Brian for a few more moments before doing as he was asked and leading Jennifer away.

Brian waited until Michael and Jennifer were out of sight before going up behind Justin and laying a gentle hand on his shoulder. “Justin, it’s time to say good bye,” he said softly.

“I don’t think I can, Brian. All this time I’ve been fooling myself. It wasn’t real before. Now, the thought of walking away and leaving him behind…” A sob ripped from deep down inside, startling both Brian and Justin. “I just don’t know if I can do it,” he whispered.

“Yes you can. I know it’s not easy. Hell, it’s one of the hardest things you’ll ever do, but you have to. Your father isn’t in there. He’s been gone since Friday. You have to say good bye so that you can move on,” Brian ignored the emotions that were evident in his voice. “You have to move on and become that great man that you want to be. It’s what your father would have wanted.”

Justin listened as Brian spoke, knowing that he was right and trying to come to grips with it all. His father was gone and standing alongside his grave wasn’t going to change that. He wasn’t even aware of the tears that started falling once again as he turned and threw himself into Brian’s waiting arms. He allowed himself the comfort that those arms were offering, praying for the strength to walk away. He took a few deep breaths before pulling back and looking up into Brian’s hazel eyes. “Thank you for being here.”

“Anytime Sunshine,” Brian whispered, running a hand along Justin’s cheek. “Now we better get back before your mother starts worrying even more.”

“Will you stay? For a little while longer? Or do you have to get back to work?” Justin asked, hating the neediness he heard in his voice.

“I’m here for as long as you need me,” Brian answered honestly.

Justin just nodded his head and took one last look towards the hole in the ground before taking Brian’s hand and leading them away. They found Jennifer and Michael waiting for them by the limo. Michael still had the confused look on his face, but Jennifer smiled with relief when she saw Justin heading in her direction.

“Honey, are you okay?” she said as the approached.

“I think so, Mom,” Justin replied as he let go of Brian’s hand to hug his mother. “I’m sorry about that. I didn’t mean to lose it back there.”

“It’s okay Sweetheart. I know how much you loved your father. You’re allowed to break down. I was getting worried about you.”

“I was trying to be strong for you and Molly,” Justin explained softly.

“You don’t have to be strong for me, Justin. I’m the parent here, remember. It’s not easy, but we’ll all survive this. I promise,” Jennifer assured him, hugging him once again. She mouthed a silent thank you to Brian who just shrugged with slight embarrassment. “Now we better get going. There’s a house full of people waiting for us. Are you boys coming back with us?” She looked expectantly at Brian and Michael.

“I am, but I think Brian has to…”

“We’ll be there,” Brian promised, stopping Michael mid-sentence.

Jennifer smiled at them and then led Justin to the awaiting limo, happy that Justin had such good friends. Once the car was moving, Michael turned to Brian with all sorts of questions running through his head.

“Since when did you and Justin become so close? How did you get him to leave? What did you say to him? And I thought you were going back to the office?”

“Slow down Mikey. Justin and I aren’t close. We barely know each other,” Brian lied. “I just told him the truth; that his father isn’t in that box back there. He’s been gone since Friday. And I was going back to the office, but now I’m not. I’m the owner for fuck’s sake. I can take the afternoon off if I want to. Now we better get going.”

Michael watched in amazement as Brian started walking towards the jeep, wondering what Brian was hiding from him. He knew it wasn’t the time to question it, but he intended to find out what was going on.

The gathering lasted longer than anyone expected and before Brian realized it, nighttime had arrived. Everyone was finally started to leave and he could see the dark circles that were forming under Justin’s eyes. He pulled the younger man aside discretely, concerned by the mask that was once again in place.

“Justin, how are you doing?”

“I’m fine Brian. Really. I know I still have issues to deal with, but now is not the time or place.”

“Where are you staying tonight? Do you need a lift to your apartment?” Brian asked, accepting Justin’s reply.

“Yeah, that would be great. I was going to ask Michael, but I know Ben’s waiting for him and since he’s not feeling good I don’t want to keep Michael out too long,” Justin replied.

“Okay, why don’t you go say your good byes and I’ll wait for you in the jeep.” Brian grazed a hand across Justin’s cheek before turning and heading in Michael’s direction, leaving Justin behind warmed by his action.

“Hey Mikey, why don’t you go home to Ben? Everyone’s leaving now and I’m going to give Justin a ride home,” Brian said as he approached his friend.

“Brian, what’s going on with you two? The last I knew you hated each other and now it’s as if you’re best friends,” Michael questioned.

“Now Mikey, you know that you’re my best friend. I’m just being nice to Justin because his father just died. I’m sure that once this is all over we’ll go back to our mutual dislike for each other,” Brian said, wondering if what he was saying was true. Aside from their night and morning after together they really hadn’t seen each other much before Craig Taylor died. He couldn’t help but wonder what would happen next.

“Brian,” Michael whined.

“Run along, Mikey. The good professor could use a little TLC.”

Michael knew there was no use arguing so he said good bye to those he knew and left, more confused than ever by Brian’s behavior.

Brian found Jennifer alone in the kitchen and went to once again offer his sympathies. “Mrs. Taylor.”

“Brian, please call me Jennifer. Thank you again for helping Justin this afternoon. I don’t know what we would’ve done if you hadn’t been there. He seems to respond to you in a way he doesn’t with anyone else. I’m glad he has you in his life,” Jennifer said, wondering what position Brian actually held in her son’s life. She’d never heard his name mentioned before, but in the last couple of days, Brian was all Justin seemed to talk about.

Brian laughed inwardly at Jennifer’s words. He could only imagine what she would think if she knew that Justin was just a former trick to him; because that’s all he was, just a trick. And if Brian kept telling himself that, he might actually start believing it. “I’m glad I could help and I’m very sorry for your loss. I never met your husband, but it sounds as if he was a great man.”

“He was. Thank you Brian.” Jennifer’s eyes misted up at the mention of Craig, but before she could say anymore she saw Justin walk in. “Sweetheart, there you are. I was just talking to your friend Brian.”

“My friend Brian,” Justin parroted with amusement. He and Brian hadn’t actually become friends. They fucked and then Brian helped him though the hardest time in his life. Was that considered friendship? He wasn’t sure. “Mom, I’m going to get going now.”

“I’ll leave you two alone. Take care of yourself, Mrs. Tay…I mean Jennifer.” Brian smiled and glanced at Justin before walking out of the kitchen to give mother and son a few minutes alone.

“Justin, are you sure you don’t want to stay here tonight? Aunt Stacy and Uncle John left so there’s more than enough room.”

“No Mom, that’s okay. I think I’d rather sleep in my own bed. Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine,” Justin assured her.

“You’re my son. It’s my job to worry,” she teased. “Do you want to take my car? I don’t have to go anywhere until tomorrow afternoon.”

“No, Brian’s going to give me a ride home.”

“He seems like a nice man. How come I’ve never heard you mention him before?”

Justin laughed out loud at Jennifer’s description. “I’m sure he’d love to hear himself described as a nice man. He’s Michael’s best friend. I’ve never mentioned him before because we hate each other. We only started getting along because he happened to stop by on Friday after I talked to you. He’s been really great for the last few days but I’m sure he’ll go back to hating me in time.”

“I wouldn’t be too sure of that, Justin. I saw the way he’s been looking at you all day. That isn’t a look of hate.” Jennifer saw a strange look cross Justin’s face and decided not to say anything more at the moment. “Well, as long as you’re sure you want to go home, I won’t try and stop you. I love you, Justin. You know that don’t you?”

“I know Mom. I love you, too.” Justin pulled him mother to him, hugging her tight as he held back the emotions that were threatening to surface. “I’ll call you tomorrow.”

Jennifer pulled back and looked into Justin’s troubled eyes. “You call me if you need anything, alright?”

“I will, I promise.”

Justin finally made his way outside and into the jeep, wiping at the tears that had managed to slide down his face. “Alright, let’s go,” he said softly as he buckled his seatbelt.

Brian nodded and started the jeep in silence, giving Justin time to pull himself together. The ride went by quickly and soon Brian was parking out in front of Justin’s apartment building. He killed the engine and turned to the blond, waiting for him to speak.

“Well I guess this is it,” Justin finally said.

“This is what? You make it sound like we’re never going to see each other again,” Brian chuckled.

“Of course we’ll see each other again, but let’s face it Brian. It’s not going to be like this anymore. We were never exactly friends before, remember?” Justin pointed out.

“No, we weren’t but that was before,” Brian replied softly.

Justin nodded his head and glanced back to his building, suddenly wishing he had someone waiting for him upstairs.

“Are you okay?” Brian asked, noticing the hesitation in Justin.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Justin assured him. “You wouldn’t want to come up for a drink or something would you?”

Brian didn’t know how to respond. He wanted more than anything to go upstairs with Justin, but a drink was the last thing on his mind. He hadn’t been able to take his eyes off Justin all day and couldn’t help but think about their past encounters, but that wasn’t what Justin needed right now. Would he be able to go up and be a friend? His thoughts were interrupted when Justin finally spoke again.

“Never mind, I’m sure you would rather get home.”

“It’s not that, Justin. I just think that our going upstairs could be a bad idea. We don’t have a really good track record when it comes to being alone together. I don’t want to take advantage of the situation. You’ve had a rough few days,” Brian explained.

“What if I told you that I wouldn’t mind if you took advantage of the situation?” Justin whispered huskily.

“Justin,” Brian warned, trying to push away his sudden desire.

“I don’t want to remember. Help me forget.”

The need in Justin’s voice killed any resolve that Brian had to leave as he silently pulled his keys from the ignition and climbed out of the jeep. Together the entered the building and made their way upstairs. Justin barely had the door closed before he felt himself being pulled towards Brian for a deep kiss. For a brief moment, Justin wondered if he made the right decision by asking Brian up considering the feelings he was beginning to have for the older man, but he pushed his doubts away as he lost himself in Brian’s touch. He’d worry about the consequences later. At that moment, all he wanted was Brian.

Justin felt himself being drawn out of sleep by the sound of someone talking softly in the living room. It only took a moment for him to remember what had happened earlier and realize that it was Brian talking on the phone. Glancing at the clock, he realized that he’s only been asleep for a short time. He dragged himself out of bed, throwing on a pair of sweats before making his way out of the bedroom but before he could make his presence known, the one sided conversation made his blood run cold.

“I told you Mikey, the poor guy’s father just died. What would you like me to do? Kick him while he’s down? Even I can be nice when I have to be. Don’t worry; I’m sure everything will go back to normal in a few days.”

Justin listened to Brian explaining his reasons for being nice to Justin and suddenly he felt like a fool. He was actually starting to think that Brian cared about him. That maybe they’d be able to move their lack of friendship to a new level and now it appeared that Brian was just being nice. Taking pity on the poor kid whose father just died. As he stood there, contemplating what he should do next; Brian turned around and spotted him, surprised to see that Justin was awake.

“Listen Mikey, I gotta go. Someone’s at the door. I’ll call you tomorrow.” Brian disconnected the call, noticing the strange look on Justin’s face. “Hey, I didn’t realize that you were awake.”

“Obviously,” Justin replied dryly. “I guess you probably want to get going. I wouldn’t want to force you be nice any longer than you have to be.”

“What?” Brian asked in confusion. “What are you talking about?”

“Forget it Brian. You’ve done you good deed. Now everything can go back to normal.” Justin hated the bitterness he heard in his voice but he couldn’t help it. Brian’s words had stung.

Brian was momentarily confused by Justin’s change in attitude until he suddenly realized that Justin was just repeating his words. Apparently he had overheard him on the phone with Mikey and misunderstood why he was saying those things. “Justin, didn’t your mother teach you that it’s not nice to eavesdrop?”

“Just go, Brian.”

“Mikey called and was questioning me on what was happening between us. How was I supposed to answer that? I don’t have a fucking clue what’s going on,” Brian laughed, hoping to ease the tension in the room. When he saw the skeptical look Justin was giving him, he continued. “Look, what was I supposed to say? I stopped by like he asked me to on Friday to check on you and took advantage of you while you were vulnerable to get my needs met? That’s what Michael would have assumed if I told him about the last few days.”

“Is that what you were doing?” Justin asked softly.

Brian moved closer, pulling Justin into his arms. “No, that’s not what I was doing. I don’t know exactly what’s going on here, but I don’t have to take advantage of anyone to get my needs met. I’m here because I want to be. That’s the best I can offer you right now. Is that enough or do you still want me to go?”

Justin looked up into Brian’s eyes and knew that was the last thing he wanted. He wanted Brian to stay for as long as he was willing to. “I don’t want you to go. I’m sorry for jumping to conclusions. I shouldn’t have listened to your conversation in the first place.”

“That’s right, you shouldn’t have. Next time just ask me, okay?”

“Okay, I will.”

“Good, now how are you feeling? Are you hungry? You didn’t eat much at your mother’s house,” Brian pointed out, slipping back into protective mode. It was after midnight and Justin hadn’t really eaten all day.

“Maybe a little. I have the makings for a salad in the fridge. I could just throw it all together and we could have that,” Justin suggested as he headed towards the kitchen.

“Sounds good to me. Then I should probably head home. I have to be at work early tomorrow and all my clothes are there.”

“Oh…okay,” Justin replied, trying to hide his disappointment. “I’m kind of tired anyway.”

Brian could hear the disappointment in Justin’s voice and thought about staying, but he needed some time to think and when he was with Justin, thinking was the last thing on his mind.

Once Justin had finished the salad, they sat down at the table and ate in silence. Brian glanced over at Justin a few times and could see his fatigue building quickly. By the time they were done, Justin was almost asleep in his bowl.

“Justin, why don’t I clean up here while you get into bed? I’ll come up and say good bye when I’m done.”

Justin wanted to object, but his exhaustion was taking over and he didn’t have the energy to fight it. He nodded his agreement and headed to the bedroom, leaving Brian to take care of the mess.

Brian quickly washed their dishes, something that he rarely did in his own place, and then went into the bedroom to find Justin sound asleep. He finished dressing quietly and wrote Justin a quick note before leaving the blond to his rest. After all the drama of the weekend, Brian was pretty worn out and it didn’t take him long once he got to the loft before he, too was sound asleep.

Justin woke up a little disoriented and looked at the clock, surprised to see that it was almost noon. He rolled over, wishing that Brian were beside him when he found the note that the older man had left.

Justin,

Either I wash dishes really slow or you were really tired. I’d go with second one. I hope you slept well. Give me a call when you wake up. I programmed my work number along with my cell number into your phone.

Later,
Brian

Justin smiled as he reached over and grabbed his cell phone. Sure enough, both of Brian’s numbers were there and he immediately dialed his office number.

“Good morning, thank you for calling Kennetik. This is Julia, how may I help you?” A cheerful voice answered.

“Hi, I’d like to speak to Brian Kinney.”

“One moment, I’ll transfer you to his assistant,” the voice said before placing him on hold. He waited a few moments before another cheerful voice picked up.

“Brian Kinney’s office.”

“Hi, I’d like to speak to Brian,” Justin repeated.

“He’s in a meeting. Can I take a message?”

“Uh…sure. Could you just tell him Justin called?”

“Justin? I’m sorry, I’m Cynthia, Brian’s assistant. Hang on for a second. I have strict orders to put your call through.”

Justin smiled to himself as he waited for Brian to get on the phone. He wasn’t sure what was going to happen between them, but knowing that Brian was willing to interrupt his day to take his call was enough for the moment. His thoughts were interrupted when Brian got on the line.

“Hey Justin, how are you feeling?”

“I’m feeling pretty good, especially since I managed to get almost twelve hours of sleep. Sorry about passing out like that last night. I didn’t realize that I was so tired,” Justin explained.

“That’s okay. You needed your sleep. So what are your plans for the day?”

“Well, I thought about going over to Mom’s and helping her go through some of Dad’s things. She shouldn’t have to do it alone.”

“Don’t you think it’s a little soon for that? You both need some time to grieve first,” Brian said, concerned about Justin’s ability to handle the task right away.

“Maybe, but as long as all of his things are spread around the house, my mother is going to have a rough time. I’d rather help her go through it all now so that she doesn’t have reminders of him in every corner of the house, you know?” Justin replied softly.

Brian could see Justin’s point, but that didn’t stop him from worrying. “Okay, how about if you go help her this afternoon and then we can go out to dinner when you’re done. I’ll pick you up at her place around 6:00.”

“Brian, you don’t have to do that,” Justin told him.

“Yes I do. I’m hungry and I don’t cook.” Brian knew he sounded lame with the excuse but he wasn’t ready to admit how much he enjoyed Justin’s company yet.

“Alright, pick me up when you’re done, but I’m buying. It’s the least I can do after all you’ve done for me,” Justin agreed.

“I don’t think so, Sunshine. I haven’t really done anything besides help a friend, but if you insist on repaying me somehow you could always blow me after dinner,” Brian teased, thinking about having Justin’s warm mouth wrapped around him.

“I planned on doing that, too. See you at six.” Justin hung up the phone with a smile, looking forward to the end of the day.

Brian growled as he hung up the phone, willing down the erection that Justin caused before heading back into his meeting.

Things between Brian and Justin settled into a regular routine after that. Brian usually spent three to four nights a week over at Justin’s apartment, where they would watch movies or just sit around and talk without the interruptions of their friends. Of course the nights always ended with the two of them in bed, but neither of them minded or commented on their relationship. Justin kept telling himself that they were growing closer everyday, while Brian tried to tell himself that they were just friends. No one in the family knew how close they’d become. While they were out amongst their friends they always played it cool, more like acquaintances than two men who shared their bed more often than not. Things finally came to a head about three months after their new found friendship began.

Justin was working on the second edition of Rage with Michael when Brian walked into Justin’s apartment without knocking.

“Sunshine, I’m here. What’s for dinner,” Brian called out, oblivious to Michael’s presence.

“Brian, what are you doing here?” Michael asked in shock.

“Mikey,” Brian replied, just as surprised. “I didn’t realize that you were going to be here.” Brian glanced over at Justin.

“Bri…Brian, didn’t you get my message? Michael and I had to cancel our afternoon at the shop because he got a new shipment in, so he suggested that we work together here tonight. You weren’t in the office today so I left a message on your cell.” Justin could see the anger radiating from Brian’s hazel eyes.

“I didn’t get it,” he replied dryly.

“Alright you two, tell me what’s going on. I’ve known something’s been up for awhile now and I think I have a right to know,” Michael said, glancing back and forth between the two men.

“Brian?” Justin asked, giving Brian the opportunity to explain their situation.

Brian looked at Justin briefly before turning to Michael. “It’s nothing Mikey. You know that Justin and I agreed to get along for you. We were talking one day and he said that he needed to find a job that pays better then what he’s been making, so I agreed to come over here and help him decided what to do. I figured I’d explain the whole concept behind art in advertising to him and see if he was interested in pursuing that. He agreed to make me dinner as a way of thanking me for my help.” The lie slipped off Brian’s tongue easily for a man who prided himself on honesty and he was pleased until he saw the look of pain and anger in Justin’s blue eyes.

Justin couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He knew they agreed to keep their relationship or whatever it was a secret for awhile, but he had no idea Brian would go to such great lengths to keep the family from knowing about them. He’d been foolish enough to assume that Brian just needed time to come to terms with things before telling everyone about them. He’d been wrong. Brian never had any intention of letting others know about how close they’d become. The pain in his heart was almost unbearable and he was anxious to get both Brian and Michael out of his apartment so that he could mourn in private. Mourn the loss of the man he had hopelessly fallen in love with.

“Yeah, Brian was nice enough to offer his expertise, but I don’t really think I need your help anymore. Things suddenly became clear to me tonight. I know what it is that I want to do and I don’t need your help anymore. Thanks for the offer, but you can go.” Justin hated the detachment he heard in his voice, but he refused to show his true emotions.

Brian was stunned at Justin’s demeanor but didn’t question him on it. Michael was still there, watching them closely and he didn’t want to discuss anything in front of him. He’d have to wait until later and call the blond. Surely he was only acting for Michael’s benefit. “Okay, well if you change your mind give me a call. Mikey, do you want to hit Woody’s?”

“Um…I can’t right now. Justin and I aren’t finished here. Why don’t you go ahead and I’ll meet up with you later,” Michael sensed something serious was going on and he wanted to get Justin alone to question him about it.

“It’s okay Michael. We can just finish this tomorrow.” Justin started cleaning up the papers that were spread out on the table in front of him.

“Well at least let me help you clean up. Brian, I’ll meet you in a little bit.” Michael left no room for argument.

“Yeah, whatever. Justin,” Brian began before seeing the look on Justin’s face. He cringed inwardly at what he saw. “I’ll see you around,” he finally said before walking back out the door he entered moments earlier.

Michael helped Justin clean up their mess before grabbing him gently by the arm and forcing the younger man to face him. “Okay, now that our mess is cleaned up, do you want to tell me what’s going on with you and Brian?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Justin replied innocently.

“Oh come off it, Justin. You don’t think I’m actually dumb enough to believe Brian’s explanation, do you? Brian walked in here like he’s been doing it for awhile now. This isn’t the first time he’s come for dinner, is it?” When Michael saw Justin’s hesitation, he continued. “You can talk to me Justin. I’ve known Brian since we were fourteen. I might be able to help you.”

“There’s nothing that you can do. Brian made it perfectly clear how he feels,” Justin replied softly.

“Why don’t you start by telling me exactly what’s been going on with you two?”

Justin sighed as he sat down; deciding that he needed to talk to someone about Brian and Michael was probably the best person for that. “It started the night I went to dinner at Deb’s with everyone; the night we told them about Rage. Brian somehow figured out that I was the kid that was bashed at my prom. After the fight we had outside, I went to Woody’s for a few drinks. Brian showed up and we talked. We agreed to call a truce for your sake. I was pretty drunk; we both were, so Brian drove me home. One thing led to another and we fucked.” Justin stared off, reliving that night and the next morning.

“That was why you overslept the next day? Because you were up fucking with Brian all night?” Michael asked incredulously.

“Yeah. Aside from seeing him at your shop later that day, we didn’t speak again until the night my father died. You sent him over to check up on me and he showed up while I was drowning my sorrows. He was really great with me that whole weekend. Always checking up on me, making sure I was eating and forcing me to grieve for my dad. It was as if he was a different person. He wasn’t that narcissistic asshole I learned to hate. From there we just kind of fell into a habit of spending time together. We didn’t really talk about it, but he just started coming over three or four nights a week for dinner or whatever. We always ended up in bed and it was beginning to feel like we were in a real relationship. I guess I just got caught up in it all. I was actually dumb enough to believe that…” Justin’s voice trailed off, unsure of how much he wanted to say.

“Believe what, Justin?” Michael prodded.

“Believe that he actually cared about me. Pretty stupid, huh?” Justin wiped his eyes, feeling the wetness there.

“Let me get this straight. For the last three months you two have been sneaking around and spending most of your time together. No, I don’t think it’s stupid to think he cares. He obviously does,” Michael said in astonishment.

“What? How can you say that? After the way he just walked out? I gave him the opportunity to admit to what we’ve been doing and he lied! Mr. Honesty lied to his best friend! What does that tell you?” Justin couldn’t believe that Michael would be defending Brian like he was.

“It tells me that he cares more than he’s willing to let on. That, my friend says a lot.” Seeing the confusion on Justin’s face caused Michael to chuckle. “Don’t you see? If what you two have didn’t matter, he wouldn’t have sacrificed his beliefs and lied to me. He would have been honest and told me what was going on.”

“I don’t understand,” Justin said softly.

“Brian doesn’t believe in love and relationships. He never has, so I imagine he’s been telling himself that whatever’s been going on with you guys meant nothing, but when faced with a direct confrontation he knew he wouldn’t be able to ignore the obvious. The minute he was called on your relationship he lied and ran away rather than face what’s been right in front of him. The question is how do you feel about him?”

Justin looked away for a moment, before turning back to face his friend. “I love him, Michael,” he replied softly.

“Then you need to tell him that.”

“Are you out of your mind?” Justin exclaimed as he jumped up from the couch and began pacing. “He’d laugh in my face.”

“Maybe; but maybe not. Brian Kinney, Mr. One-fuck-only has not only broken all the rules where you’re concerned, but he’s allowed himself to fall into a relationship with you without ever telling anyone. He’s even given up most of his tricking. That’s huge,” Michael pointed out.

“How do you know he’s given up tricking?” Justin asked, intrigued.

“Well, we never really see him out anymore, since he’s always with you, and I don’t know the last time I’ve seen him in the back room. Come to think of it, when we were out the other night, he told every guy that hit on him that he wasn’t interested. I thought it was because we were talking and he didn’t want the interruption. Talk about being stupid. Now come on, we’ve got to go.” Michael grabbed his jacket and headed for the door.

“Wait? Where are we going?”

“Brian’s waiting for us at Woody’s, remember?”

Justin stared at Michael, wondering if he had the strength to confront Brian about their relationship, but when he imagined his life without Brian in it he knew he didn’t have a choice. He loved the man enough to not give up without a fight. Grabbing his own jacket, he followed Michael out of his apartment, determined to win back his man.

Brian was sitting at the bar, waiting for Michael when he heard Justin call him from behind. He swiveled around and came face to face with the blond.

“Justin, what are you doing here?”

“I’m here to tell you what an asshole you are for lying to Michael and denying what’s been going on between us!” Justin exclaimed, trying not to let his voice rise too much.

“Look Justin,” Brian began before Justin interrupted him.

“No, you look; whether or not you want to admit it, we’ve been carrying on a relationship for months now. I’ve been very happy with it and I thought that you were, too. Don’t you think it’s about time for you to admit it to yourself, as well as the rest of your family?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Brian scoffed as he reached for his glass of beam.

“I’m talking about all the nights we spend together. The dinner’s we share either at my place or when we go out. I’m talking about the movies we watch together or the long discussions we have on every topic imaginable. I’m talking about the mind blowing sex we have over and over again. Does any of this ring any bells with you?” Justin had managed to lower his voice somewhat so that the other patrons couldn’t hear him, but he was on a roll. “Not to mention your lack of tricking. If that’s not a relationship, then I don’t know what is.”

“Justin, you know I don’t believe in relationships,” Brian replied weakly.

“No, I don’t know that. I used to believe that, but not anymore. What we have is a relationship whether you choose to believe it or not and you’re about to loose the best thing that ever happened to you if you don’t admit that there’s something between us.” Justin took a few steps, closing the gap between them before speaking softly so that only Brian could hear. “I love you damn it, but I refuse to be your little secret anymore. So you’ve either got to admit that you care about me and put aside your I-don’t-believe-in-love-and-relationships bullshit and be honest with me or I’m walking out that door and you’re on your own. What’s it going to be?”

Brian was stunned and he wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do. He’d been struggling with himself for months, trying to tell himself that Justin wasn’t more than just a friend, but it was a losing battle. Rule number two in the Kinney manual was that you didn’t fuck your friends, yet he and Justin’s sex life was more active than any couple he knew. Justin was an intelligent guy. They would spend hours talking about a variety of subjects, from politics to the latest movies and novels. He’d never met anyone that could match him both intellectually as well as in sexual stamina. Justin was right. If he let the blond walk away, he would loose the best thing that ever happened to him. He’d loose his chance at happiness.

Justin watched a mixture of emotions cross Brian’s face while he waited for his future to be decided for him. If Brian couldn’t admit that he cared, Justin would indeed walk away, his heart shattering more with each step he took, but he didn’t have a choice. He was done denying what they had for Brian. He refused to be treated as if he didn’t matter anymore. As the silent moments ticked by, Justin began to lose hope. He began to feel as if he lost the battle and it was time to go home and lick his wounds in silence while he tried so hard to forget the man who mattered most to him. He sighed in frustration and turned to walk away, fighting the tears that were threatening to fall when he heard Brian’s voice, which was barely about a whisper.

“Don’t go.”

“What?” Justin asked, fearing that he misunderstood.

“I said don’t go,” Brian repeated. “You’re right, what we’ve had…it’s…I,” Brian stammered, unable to express what he wanted to say. “I don’t know if I can…”

“It’s okay Brian, I’ll teach you how. In fact, why don’t we go back to my place now for your first lesson in boyfriend 101? I’ll even make you dinner first.” Justin put out his hand and waited anxiously for Brian to make his final decision. It seemed like an eternity as he waited, until he finally saw Brian reach out and take his hand. Speechless with emotion, Justin pulled Brian off his barstool and led him out of the bar, glancing over at Michael who had been watching the exchange from a darkened corner and smiling. He didn’t think it was going to be an easy road, but it was one he was willing to travel if Brian was by his side.


Seven months later…

“Is that the last of them?” Brian asked as he returned to the apartment.

“That’s it. I didn’t realize that I had so much stuff,” Justin replied with a smile. “A person can accumulate a lot of shit in a year, huh?”

“You’re telling me. I’m still not sure where we’re going to put it all. My loft isn’t that big, you know.”

“I told you before; most of these boxes are going in my mother’s attic as soon as she closes on the townhouse. There’s no point in moving it into the house just to move it again when she moves next month,” Justin sighed, tired of the same old conversation.

“They’d better. It’s going to be hard to fuck you in every corner of the loft when there are boxes of your shit in every corner,” Brian teased.

“If having my shit around the loft is going to bother you that much, I could always resign my lease. The landlord hasn’t found a new tenant yet,” Justin reminded him.

“Not a chance, Sunshine. I’ve spent the last year running back and forth from my loft to your apartment. I can’t afford the gas anymore. Have you seen the prices lately?” Brian teased.

Justin laughed out loud. “You know that I love you, right?”

“I know Justin, me too.” Brian replied tenderly. He may not have gotten the hang of the whole relationship thing down pat just yet, but he was an eager student and Justin was a great teacher and the best thing that ever happened to him. When he thought back to when they’d first met he couldn’t help but smile. The experts say that there’s a fine line between love and hate and although they had it rough in the beginning, they had fallen on the right side of the line. It was something that Brian was extremely thankful for.


The end
12/17/04

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