Going the Distance

Chapter 6

When Brian walked into his room that night he was happy that his roommate was still out. He had a lot to think about and wanted to be alone with his thoughts. He wasn’t sure how to handle the situation with Justin now. When he had planned to move to Pittsburgh he had hoped that he and Justin would begin a relationship together, but now it was a lot more complicated. His attraction to the blond was intense, stronger than he ever imagined, but he was worried about being with someone who was blind. Little things that everyone always took for granted like going to the movies was something that wouldn’t appeal to Justin. What would they do while they were together? It wasn’t a matter of discriminating against his disability; it was a matter of being unsure of where to go next.

Pushing away those thoughts, Brian finished unpacking and took a shower before lying on his bed to think some more. As confused as he was, shutting Justin out of his life was obviously not an option. He was too drawn to the blond; too connected to just walk away. Sighing over his dilemma, he jumped slightly when the door opened and Ben walked in.

“Hey, how was your night?” Ben asked with interest.

“Good, how was yours?”

“Okay, the guys and I headed over to one of the local pizza joints. It’s where all the college kids hang out apparently. We just sat around and bullshitted most of the night. It’s a shame you couldn’t have been there. It’s a good way to get to know everyone,” Ben explained, noticing a troubled look on his roommate’s face. “Is everything okay?”

“That seems to be the question of the day,” Brian replied dryly.

“Look Brian, I know we don’t know each other that well, but we are living together now so if you want to talk about it, I’m a good listener.”

Brian thought about refusing, but then realized that it might help to have someone else’s opinion of the situation and he really didn’t have anywhere else to turn. “Almost a year ago I met someone in a chat room online. We seemed to hit it off right away and became fast friends. That’s one of the reasons why I came here for school. So we would be living in the same place. Because of the space between us we obviously never discussed the possibility of a relationship, but I had hoped that if we lived in the same city, something would spark between us. I didn’t let on that I was moving here, instead choosing the element of surprise. Well, I was the one who got the surprise. It turns out that he’s blind and never told me. I found out when I showed up on his doorstep this morning.”

“Wow, that’s a lot for someone to take in…wait, did you say he?” Ben asked in confusion.

‘Shit’ Brian thought to himself. He was so confused by recent events that he didn’t think about what he would be admitting. “Yeah, I’m gay. I hope that doesn’t present a problem for you. I swear I’m not one of those people who try to turn straight men gay.”

Ben laughed at Brian’s reply. “That’s a good thing, since you’d have a hell of a time here. I’m already gay.”

“No shit,” Brian chuckled.

“Well, I guess that makes things a lot easier on us. I was wondering how I was going to break the news. Anyway, back to your situation. So this person is blind. Is that the real problem or is something else?”

“His name is Justin and see, that’s the thing. At first I was upset that he kept it from me, but once he explained why he did it, I kind of understood. He had no idea that a conversation in a chat room late one night would lead to something more. The problem is that it has. I really like him and trust him, despite his not telling me, and I think he feels the same way,” Brian replied.

“Okay, so what are you not sure about? Is he ugly? Disfigured? Walking around with a hump on his back?” Ben teased.

Brian laughed at Ben’s teasing. “No, it’s just that I’ve never been around someone who’s blind before. I don’t know how to act. I mean, I don’t even know what we’d do if we were to hang out. I obviously can’t take him to the movies or anything. What do blind people do with their days? God, I sound like such an ass,” Brian sighed dramatically.

“No you don’t. You sound like someone who has a lot of questions. Questions that you should be asking him. I’m sure he will understand if you’re honest with him. I have an uncle that only has one leg. He lives an active life because he learned how to live with his handicap, just like I’m sure Justin has. Talk to him and let him know what you are thinking and I’m sure he will be more that happy to let you know what he can and can’t do.”

Brian thought about what Ben was suggesting and knew that he was right. He suddenly felt better about things and couldn’t wait to call Justin just to hear his voice. “Thanks Ben, I appreciate your help.”

“No problem, now why don’t I go downstairs for awhile? I believe you have a phone call to make,” Ben said with a smile as he headed towards the door.

“Yes I do and when I’m done how about I join you downstairs and you can introduce me to some of the others? I think it’s about time I got to meet some of the people I’ll be living with for the next four years.”

“Cool, I’ll see you in a bit. Good luck.”

Brian waited until Ben was gone before reaching for the phone.

“Hello?”

“Hey,” Brian replied softly.

“Brian, are you all settled in?”

“Yep, all unpacked and ready to go. Is your family’s little gathering over now?”

“No, but once you left it didn’t have the appeal it once had so I’ve been in my room listening to my stereo. So, what would you like to do tomorrow? I mean, do you still want to get together?” Justin asked apprehensively. He had been worried that Brian would change his mind.

“Well, I kind of wanted to talk to you about that,” Brian admitted.

“Oh…it’s okay if you changed your mind, Brian. I won’t hold you to anything,” Justin replied, trying to keep the disappointment out of his voice.

“No, I didn’t change my mind. I would still like to see you tomorrow. It’s just that…”

Justin could tell that Brian was trying to say something and wondered what was stopping him. Brian had always said what was on his mind before. “Brian, you can tell me anything. Is there something wrong?”

“Look, I have to be honest with you. I’m a little nervous about this.”

“You mean because I’m blind?” Justin offered cautiously.

“Yes, but not for the reason you think. I’ve just…never been around a blind person before and I don’t want to fuck things up. Shit! I mean…”

“Brian, just tell me what you’re worried about exactly. I promise I won’t be offended,” Justin assured him.

“I don’t know what to do when were together, you know? I mean, look, when Mikey and I would hang out, sometimes we’d go to the movies or the arcade. Obviously those are not things you would be interested in doing. I don’t want to sound like a jerk, but I don’t know what it is that you do. Am I making any sense?” Brian asked quietly.

Justin giggled. “Yes, you are making perfect sense. I’ll admit that I’ve never been to the movies before, but that’s because usually it’s easier to stay at home where no one is around to yell at Daphne and I for talking while she’s telling me how hot the stars are. As for video games, I can honestly say that I’ve never played them before, but there are other things we can do. There’s a lake not too far from here that rents canoes. How about if we do something like that? I wouldn’t be the best person to steer, but I can carry my own when it comes to paddling.”

Brian was relieved by Justin’s response. It was obvious that he wasn’t offended by Brian’s concerns. “That sounds good, although I’ll have to check out the public transportation system first. I can’t keep borrowing Ben’s car everyday. He was nice enough to loan it to me today. I have some money saved so I should have a car soon, but until then I’m stuck on the bus.”

“That’s not a problem. I’ll just have Daphne drive us. She doesn’t have much of a life outside of me anyway. I’m sure she won’t mind,” Justin assured him with a chuckle.

“Okay, why don’t you call me in the morning after you talk to Daphne and let me know what time to be ready?” Brian suggested, giving Justin his phone number.

“Cool, I guess I’ll talk to you in the morning. Good night, Brian.”

“Good night, Justin.”

Brian hung up the phone with a smile on his face. He was looking forward to spending the day with Justin and had a spring in his step as he headed downstairs to meet up with Ben.

“Hey, how’d it go?” Ben asked when he spotted Brian approaching.

“It went good. We are going canoeing tomorrow, provided that his friend Daphne will drive us there. Thanks for the advice. You were right. He wasn’t offended by my question.”

“Cool. Hey, how about if I give Daphne a call? We can all go together. This way you can spend some time with Justin and I can see Daphne again. We were pretty good friend’s years ago, but haven’t seen much of each other in the last couple of years,” Ben explained, wanting to help his new friend.

“That sounds like a great idea. I would much rather have a canoe for two than three,” Brian laughed in reply.

The next morning Ben placed a call to his old friend Daphne and it was agreed upon that she would go to Justin’s and Ben would drive them all to the lake. As Ben pulled the car up outside Justin’s house, Brian saw Daphne and Justin sitting on the front step waiting for them. He smiled at the sight of the blond waiting for him.

“Shit, you have it bad, don’t you?” Ben asked, noticing the look on Brian’s face.

“Huh? What do you mean?” Brian was confused by Ben’s statement.

“You look like you want to swallow him up whole,” Ben teased with a smile.

“No, but I wouldn’t mind taking a few bites,” Brian admitted with a chuckle.

Once Daphne and Justin were in the car and Ben and Justin had been introduced, the foursome was on their way. The lake wasn’t too far from Justin’s house and soon after their arrival, Brian found himself alone with Justin drifting along the lake.

“This was a good idea. I’m glad you thought of it,” Brian said to Justin while he looked around at their surroundings.

“Yeah, Daphne and I used to come here all the time just to get away from our parents. Especially when mine found out I was gay. They were pretty upset at first. I don’t think it was because of their only son being gay. I’m pretty sure it had more to do with what it was going to do to me, you know?”

“Going to do to you?” Brian asked in confusion.

“Well, I’m already at a disadvantage with being blind. I think they were afraid that being blind and gay was like a death sentence for me. They eventually got over it, although I know that most of their friends don’t know about me. My father is a little weird about admitting that his son likes cock,” Justin laughed teasingly.

“Well I for one am glad that his son likes cock,” Brian admitted quietly.

Justin’s heart beat a little faster at Brian’s admission. They grew silent for awhile after that, both lost in thought as they paddled across the water. Finally Brian spoke up once again.

“There’s a clearing over on the left. Do you want to go take a break and stretch your legs a bit?”

“Yeah, that sounds like a good idea. Are Ben and Daphne anywhere around us?”

Brian looked around but didn’t see any signs of their friends. “No, I think we lost them,” he chuckled in reply.

“Good, I love Daphne, but she tends to be a little over protective when it comes to me sometimes.”

“I’ve noticed that myself,” Brian laughed as he steered their canoe towards land. Once he got the boat on land he helped Justin up and out and directed him towards a large rock, obviously placed there for people to sit on.

Justin allowed Brian to steer him towards a place to sit, trying hard not to let his nervousness show. He wasn’t sure how he was supposed to act around Brian. The circumstances of their relationship hadn’t been established yet and he didn’t want to force Brian into anything and he didn’t want to look like a fool. Brian eased some of the questions running through his mind when he took Justin’s hand in his. They sat there for awhile just holding hands when Justin decided to be honest and tell Brian what was on his mind.

“Brian, I know you said we need to take things slow and see what happens between us, but I can’t help but wonder…I mean, I don’t expect you to declare your undying love for me, but I’m not really sure how I’m supposed to act around you.”

“Justin, I don’t want to act around me. I just want you to be yourself,” Brian replied quietly.

“I know, I don’t mean it like that. I mean…” he stopped mid-sentence, suddenly feeling foolish for saying anything.

“You mean what?” Brian prodded noticing the blush that began to appear on Justin’s cheeks. “Justin, don’t be embarrassed. Just tell me what you’re thinking.”

“I was thinking about how badly I want to kiss you but I wasn’t sure if you wanted me to kiss you so I guess I was just wondering if that’s something that I can do or if you would rather I didn’t,” Justin blurted out without taking a breath in between. He was so nervous that he could feel himself shaking.

Brian smiled at Justin’s nervous rambling. He thought it was endearing that Justin would be nervous about kissing him, but he knew it was his insecurities and inexperience that caused him to question where they stood. Without words, Brian leaned in gently and placed a soft kiss on Justin’s waiting lips, lingering for a moment before pulling away. He couldn’t help but grin at the smile that broke out on Justin’s face.

“Does that answer your question?” Brian teased.

“Uh…yeah, I think so,” Justin replied weakly, still a little shaky from nervousness.

They sat there together for a little while longer, holding hands and talking about what the immediate future held. Brian’s classes were starting in another week and he needed to get a part time job to help him get a car and support himself. The scholarship covered his housing and his books, but he needed to be able to have a life outside of school. As he spoke, Brian noticed that Justin got quiet and wondered what he was thinking about.

“Well, I guess we better get back in the water,” Justin suggested, trying to keep the emotions out of his voice.

“Justin, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing, it’s just getting late and I don’t want to make Daphne and Ben have to wait for us,” he explained calmly.

Brian knew that Justin was keeping something from him, but he decided not to push it right then. They had a nice afternoon and he didn’t want it to end on a bad note.

They made their way back to the dock and turned in their canoe before finding Ben and Daphne waiting for them.

“Hey guys, did you have a good time?” Daphne asked, noticing Justin’s blue mood from a few feet away.

“Yeah, it was great. Are we ready to go?” Justin asked suddenly.

Daphne glared at Brian, the unspoken question of what had happened in her eyes, but saw Brian shrug in confusion. He obviously had no idea what brought on Justin’s mood. “We’re ready, let’s go.”

The ride back to Justin’s was done in relative silence with Ben trying to keep some conversation going between them. Once they pulled up outside Justin’s house he tried to make a quick getaway, but Brian refused to let him go. “Justin, can I talk to you for a minute?”

Justin wanted to get away and go to his room to be alone, but knew he had no way to get out of listening to Brian so he nodded his head slightly and allowed Brian to lead him away from the others.

“Okay, out with it,” Brian demanded gently.

“Out with what?”

“Out with whatever it is that has you so upset.”

“I’m not upset. I’m just tired. It was a long day,” Justin lied.

“Bullshit, Justin. I can tell something is bothering you, now why don’t you try telling me what it is?”

“Look Brian, it’s no big deal. I guess you can say that for the first time since we started talking I’ve realized how different we really are. I was stupid to think that there could ever be anything between us. While we were so far away from each other I was able to pretend that I was someone I wasn’t. I can’t do that anymore,” Justin sighed, trying to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall.

“What are you talking about? I don’t understand,” Brian said in confusion.

“You’re eighteen years old, out on your own for the first time. In college, getting ready to find a job, buy a car: and I’m happy for you. The last thing you need is to be saddled with some dumb blind kid with no future!” Justin snapped, losing the battle with his tears.

“Justin, you are not some dumb kid with no future. Where is this coming from?” Brian was getting angry at Justin’s words.

“You know what? I can’t do this right now. I have to go. Daphne! Daphne, come here!” Justin yelled, needing to get away.

Daphne came right over at Justin’s distress. “What’s the matter, Justin? Why are you yelling?”

“I need to go inside,” he said, reaching out to take her arm.

“Okay, clam down. I’ll take you inside,” she soothed, looking towards Brian for answers. He looked as confused as she was.

“Justin, I’ll call you later,” Brian called out weakly.

“Don’t bother.”

“Justin, I’m calling you later and you better be ready to talk. Otherwise I will be banging on your door and I don’t think your parents would be happy with that,” Brian assured him.

Justin didn’t reply. He just continued to let Daphne lead him into the house.

“What was that all about?” Ben asked as Brian climbed back into the car.

“I have no idea, but I plan on finding out real soon,” Brian replied sadly. He was having such a good time with Justin and refused to let himself be pushed away. Whatever it was that was bothering Justin, he was determined to find out what it was and fix it. He didn’t move 3000 miles away to be shut out of Justin’s life.


End of part 6
7/26/04

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