Breaking Internal Barriers

Chapter 9

On Monday morning Justin once again found himself hiding out in his office avoiding everyone. He had spent the remainder of the weekend locked in his loft, trying to figure out how he had let himself become involved with Brian. By Sunday night he had faced the reality of the situation. He had fallen in love with the man. Despite all the pep talks he had given himself over the last few months, he wasn’t able to keep the distance that he normally had with his tricks and now he was left alone and heart broken. Now he had to find a way to move on, working with Brian every day knowing that he could never have him. His thoughts were interrupted when there was a soft knock at the door.

“Come in, Daph,” he called, knowing who was on the other side.

“Hey Justin, how was your weekend?” Daphne asked before noticing the dark circles under his eyes. “Okay, what the hell did he do now?”

“Who?” Justin asked casually.

“Don’t give me that shit, Justin. You know exactly who I mean. Brian’s the only man I know that can cause you to look like that. What happened since you left on Friday?” Daphne demanded gently.

“Nothing happened. We just decided that we were better off as friends instead of fuck buddies. It’s no big deal. Now if you would kindly go back to your desk, I have to get ready for the meeting,” Justin replied trying to keep his feelings in check.

Daphne knew that she wouldn’t get anywhere by pursuing the subject further at the moment so she turned and left the office without another word.

Justin sighed at Daphne’s departure. He wanted to open up to her; to admit what he had been feeling ever since he left Brian’s loft on Friday night, but he couldn’t do it. He needed to work this out on his own. He needed to just lock himself away for awhile and try to forget the hazel eyed man that made him break the rules that he had spent years following. With that thought in mind he headed for the conference room to start his day.

*******************

Brian walked into the meeting with his head down trying to avoid the blue eyes that he knew would be watching him. Ever since Justin had walked out on him the other night, Brian had been trying to come up with a way to put the blond out of his head. Unfortunately, nothing worked. Everywhere he turned there were constant reminders of Justin and the time they spent together. It was ridiculous really. After spending years keeping everyone at arms length, how did this man manage to get through his walls? How did he manage to work his way into a heart that had sworn off love and relationships? Luckily Alex appeared moments later to begin the meeting, forcing Brian’s thoughts away from Justin and on to the business at hand. He’d have more time to think about Justin later, which he was sure he would do.

After the meeting concluded and everyone had left the room except for Alex, Justin approached his boss hesitantly.

“Alex?”

“Hey Justin, is everything okay? You seemed rather quiet and distant during the meeting,” she asked in concern.

“Actually, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I need some time off. I know its short notice, but I was wondering if it would be okay if I took the rest of the week off?” Justin asked hearing some shakiness in his voice.

“What’s wrong? Is there something that I can do?”

“No, I just need to work some things out in my head, that’s all. I promise to come back next Monday all refreshed and ready to go. I’ll even give you the information of where I’ll be as soon as I book something in case you need to reach me for anything. I’ll leave it with Daphne,” Justin offered, wanting to escape the look of worry Alex was giving him.

“Well, you’re right. This isn’t a lot of notice, but I know you’ve been really stressed out lately. You haven’t seemed like yourself for the last few months. Go ahead and get out of here. Just remember that I’m here if you need me. I hope you feel better soon. I worry about you,” she admitted, pulling Justin into a comforting hug.

“Thanks Alex, I will. I’ll see you next week,” Justin assured her before heading back to his office.

He was thankful when he saw that Daphne’s desk was empty. He really didn’t want to have another conversation with her until he got himself together. Maybe running away wasn’t the answer, but he didn’t know what else to do. These feelings were all so new to him and he wasn’t sure how to react. As soon as he reached his desk he saw the note that Daphne had left for him.

Justin,

I just wanted to remind you that I had a dentist appointment this morning. I told you about it two weeks ago. I’ll be back after lunch. You’d better be ready to spill your guts by then.

Love,

Daphne

Justin breathed a sigh of relief. He immediately called the airlines and booked a flight to Puerto Rico. A friend of his had just gotten back from there and told him how nice it was. It would be the perfect place to disappear for a few days. He imagined himself touring the rain forest or shopping in Old San Juan and couldn’t wait to see what he could sketch. Once all his travel arrangements were made he left a note for Daphne and headed out, pleased that he didn’t run in to Brian before his exit. He had six days to get the man out of his head before he lost his mind and he had every intention of doing just that.

*******************

Daphne arrived back at the office a little after noon. She saw the note Justin had left for her and let her anger get the better of her. Without thinking of the consequences, she headed straight to the source of the problem.

“Hey Daphne, how’s it going?” Cynthia asked as she saw Daphne approach.

“Don’t ask. Is that asshole boss of yours in his office?”

“Yes, but he’s in the middle of something,” Cynthia replied on deaf ears. Daphne was already barging in without waiting for a reply. Cynthia jumped up from her desk and followed the irate woman.

“You Bastard!” Daphne addressed Brian, who was surprised by her outburst.

“It’s nice to see you, too Daphne. Is there something I can do for you?” Brian replied, calmly.

“Yeah, as the matter of fact there is. You can fix this immediately,” she demanded, tossing him the note Justin left for her.

Brian eyed her suspiciously before picking up the note and reading it to himself.

Daphne,

Please don’t be angry. I needed to get away for a few days and get my head together. I stupidly allowed myself to fall in love, going against everything I believe in and look where it got me? I’m going to take the rest of the week and try to forget I ever met Brian Kinney so when I get back things can go back to normal and we can forget this ever happened. I’m giving you my itinerary in case Alex needs me, but please don’t try to contact me. Give me the time I need to grieve so that I can move on. I promise I’ll be okay and I’ll call you when I return on Sunday.

Love,

Justin

Brian read the letter a couple of times, trying to hold back the emotions that were bubbling up to the surface. He finally took a deep breath and looked up to find two pairs of eyes watching him, waiting for his reaction.

“What do you want me to do about this?”

“I want you to go get him. Tell him what an ass you are and tell him you love him,” Daphne answered, noticing a pained look cross Brian’s face.

“Daphne…”

”Don’t say it, Kinney. Don’t you dare stand there and tell me you don’t love him. I know what I’ve seen. What both Cynthia and I have been witness to over the last couple of months. You and Justin are crazy about each other, only you’re both too damn stubborn to admit it to each other. Well, this is your last chance. If you don’t go after him you will lose him for good. Is that what you want? Because if it is, you’re even dumber than I thought. Justin is a wonderful man and you would be lucky to have him. Don’t let your pride and those stupid rules you live by allow you to make the biggest mistake of your life!” Daphne exclaimed.

Cynthia watched Daphne in action, shocked by the way she was talking to Brian. She looked over at her boss and saw an expression she’d never seen before. “Brian?”

Brian stood up and walked out of his office without saying a word to the two woman who were  standing there watching him.

“Daphne, I don’t know if that was such a good idea. Brian Kinney doesn’t do ultimatums,” Cynthia said once Brian was out of ear shot.

“Well that’s just too fucking bad. I can’t sit by and watch the most important person in my life fall apart and not do something about it. If Brian doesn’t like it he can fire me. My only concern is Justin. You didn’t see him Cyn. He’s hurting so bad and he won’t let anyone help him. I had to do something. Maybe it won’t work, but I had to try to reach Brian before it’s too late,” Daphne explained solemnly.

“Well, I guess it’s all up to Brian now. We’ll just have to sit back and wait to see what happens,” Cynthia replied, praying that her boss would take the opportunity he had been given.

*******************

Brian stormed out of his office and headed to the rest room at the end of the hall. He had to get away from the questing eyes that were on him. He still clutched the note that Justin had left for Daphne and took a few minutes to read it again, his emotions conflicted. Justin claimed that he had fallen in love. Could that be true? And if it was, what did that mean for them? Brian tried to figure out if he could possibly be in love with the blond, but what did he know? Could the feelings he had for Justin be love? He thought back over the last few months; about all the time that they had spent together and imagined how lonely his life would be if he never had anymore of those moments. Having Justin for all those months changed him somehow. He no longer wanted the life he had once enjoyed. The thought of spending all of his free time tricking with complete strangers, never getting close to anyone didn’t have the appeal it once had. He enjoyed having someone to talk to, someone to share things with. He used to think that sex with the same person would get boring, but with Justin it had only gotten better. The thrill of anonymous sex was replaced with the excitement of knowing Justin intimately enough to know what he liked. He was able to enhance Justin’s pleasure by knowing and using all those secret places that turned him on, and was rewarded when Justin had done the same for him.

“Shit, I think I’m in love,” Brian whispered to the empty bathroom.

Making his decision, he washed his hands and splashed some water on his face then headed towards Alex’s office, determined to follow through with his plan.

“Hey Brian, what’s up?” Alex asked when she saw Brian enter her office.

“I need the rest of the week off,” Brian stated confidently.

“Brian now’s not a good time. Justin’s already taken the week off,”

“I know,” Brian interrupted her reply.

“Then you know that I need you here,” she started before realization dawned on her. She had figured that there was something going on between them months ago, but chose to ignore it since it wasn’t really any of her business. “Oh,” she all but whispered.

“Yeah,” Brian replied quietly. He sensed that she figured things out and waited for her reaction.

“You both have one week to work things out and get your asses back to work or you’re both fired,” Alex said, although her voice lacked the sincerity it needed to be affective. They both knew that she would never fire them over the situation.

“Thanks Boss,” Brian smiled before turning towards the door.

“Oh, and Brian?”

Brian turned back around and met Alex’s gaze.

“Good luck,” she offered.

“Thanks. I think I’ll need it,” Brian laughed before leaving the room.

*******************

Justin glanced at the clock and saw that it was just after ten. He wondered where Brian was and what he was doing. He knew that he took the trip to forget all about the man, but his mind had been on nothing else since he arrived earlier that day. He looked around the room he had reserved at the Westin and wondered what the trip would be like if Brian was with him. The white sandy private beach, the crystal blue water; the extra large king size bed in the center of the room. His friend was right. Puerto Rico was a beautiful place, but if Brian was at his side, it would have been even better. He heard a soft knock on the door and rose from the bed. It was awfully quick for room service, but then again he was staying in a four star hotel. His breath caught in his throat when he pulled open the door and found Brian on the other side.

“What are you doing here?”

“I could ask you the same thing. Aren’t you going to invite me in?” Brian asked casually, keeping his voice even.

Justin was speechless, so he stepped aside to allow Brian entrance, closing the door behind him.

“Nice place. Care to tell me why you took off?”

“I wanted to be alone. A concept that was obviously lost on you. Care to tell me why you’re here? “

“So, how’s the service around here?” Brian asked, avoiding Justin’s question.

Justin sighed at Brian’s avoidance. “How did you find me?”

“How do you think? Who’d you tell?”

“Daphne? She’s fired the minute I get home,” Justin stated angrily.

“Assuming that you have a job when you get back home,” Brian laughed bitterly.

“What? Why wouldn’t I have a job when I get back?” Justin asked in confusion.

“Because Alex told me we have one week to work things out and get back or we were fired,” Brian explained.

“What? How does she know about…us?”

“Come on, Justin. She’s not stupid. Apparently everyone knows.”

“Everyone? Who’s everyone?”

“Alex, Daphne, Cynthia…we must have been the talk of the office.”

“But how…you know what? It doesn’t matter. There is no us anymore. There never really was,” Justin admitted quietly.

“Do you actually believe that?”

“That’s the agreement we made, remember? We were fuck buddies…nothing more; it was just a matter of convenience,” Justin replied.

Brian grimaced at his words being used against him. “Then why are you here?”

“Because…because…I just needed to get away.”

“Then why am I here?” Brian prodded.

“I don’t know. You still haven’t answered that for me,” Justin pointed out, holding back the tears that he could feel building behind his eyes.

“Maybe because it’s more than that? Maybe because the thought of not having you in my life outside the office was more than I could take?”

“Are you saying…?”

“Yes.”

“But what about…?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“But Brian…”

“Look Justin, what do you want me to say? That you changed me? That you made me see things in a whole different way? That since you came along I realized how empty my life was and how meaningless the tricking is when you go home to an empty loft at the end of the night?”

Justin watched Brian admitting his feelings in shock. Everything he was saying match the same things that Justin had been admitting to himself for the last three days and he didn’t know which was stronger; his feelings of joy or sheer terror. “So where do we go from here?”

“I was thinking the bed,” Brian teased. Sharing feelings can take a lot out of a person and Brian felt as if he needed to lighten things up a bit.

“Brian…”

“Justin, neither of us knows what’s going to happen next. Can’t we just admit that we are more than fuck buddies and let it be for now? We have the next six days to figure things out, but right now all I want to do is strip off your clothes and fuck you senseless.”

“Always the romantic,” Justin giggled.

Brian slowly approached Justin and pulled him in his arms, placing his lips against his ear and whispering, “Let me show you what you mean to me. Let me make love to you.”

Justin took Brian’s words for what they were meant to be; a declaration of his feelings and an unspoken promise that everything was going to be okay. They would find a way to work everything out. Of that, Justin had no doubt.

“I’d thought you’d never ask,” Justin whispered, his voice think with emotion.

Brian led Justin to the bed and proceeded to show Justin just how much he cared. Everything and everyone else was forgotten.

*******************

“Justin, are you sure you want to sell your loft? I told you that I would put mine on the market,” Brian said as they boarded the plane on Sunday. Once again he was trying to change Justin’s mind. He hadn’t had his place for very long so it wasn’t like he was attached to it.

“I told you, Brian, its okay. I’ve been thinking about selling it for awhile now. I need more space and yours is definitely bigger than mine. In fact, I called my mother this morning and told her I would be stopping during the week to discuss it,” Justin admitted with a smile.

“What about Alex? Did you call her, too?” Brian tried to sound annoyed, but deep down inside he was happy that Justin was anxious to tell everyone about their relationship.

“Maybe,” Justin replied looking away guilty.

Brian laughed. “So what did the boss have to say?”

“Let’s see, I believe her words were ‘Thank God, maybe now we’ll get some work done around here’. Oh, and she said we better be on time tomorrow or she was going to kick our asses. Apparently she had a rough week and blames us for taking off and deserting her. We are going to have to do some major ass kissing when we get back,” Justin joked.

“The only ass I’m going to be kissing is yours, right before I fuck you into the mattress,” Brian replied, his voice growing husky.

“There’s that romantic side again,” Justin teased, feeling his cock twitch at Brian’s words.

“I am to please.”

“That you do, Kinney. That you do,” Justin replied honestly.

Sunday had come way too fast for the men. They had spent their days exploring the island enjoying their time together, and their nights talking and making love into the early morning hours. Not all the details of their relationship had been worked out by the time they boarded the plane, but they admitted their love for one another and taking that step was the biggest obstacle of all. Everything else would fall into place over the next couple of months while they put Justin’s loft up for sale and adjusted to living together. Some people may think that they were rushing things, but they knew better. After spending so many years running away from love, they decided it was time to grab hold of it and see where it took them. Life was too short and they wanted to make the most out of it.

The End

7/04/04

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